JennifersLost Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I'm out of ideas. I don't need to be sniped at; just need good advice. We run a fairly strict house with expectations that our kids will behave a certain way, abide by certain rules, pitch in without complaining when asked, and so on. We've always been like that. We homeschooled our boys for years, but they went back to public school a few years ago to finish up there. (One has graduated). So - our almost 18 yo dropped out of school. With three weeks left to go before he would graduate. I'm not kidding. This didn't happen out of nowhere - it has been escalating for the last year and a half, and believe me we have tried every carrot and stick to keep him going - and his school has, too - and he has dug in his feet and refused. It's not the classes - he gets straight A's when he wants to. It's not a public school/homeschool thing - there's no way he'd consider homeschooling at this point. This particular child has always been harder to parent than my others - he's a mastermind at manipulation, and always drags his feet, tries to get out of work, does a lousy job, and so on. It's so frustrating. During this whole process, he's forfeited the right to his computer, ipod, itouch, cell phone and so on because of being defiant, lying, flunking, etc. He has no electronics at this point. His idea was that he'd quit school, find a second job and move out. He figured it would be easy. Weeks later he still hasn't found a second job, and is nowhere near affording an apartment. It would be hard for him to find a place anyway. Our older son (almost 20) was looking for a new apartment this week and got turned down everywhere he called because of his age. He's actually probably moving home next week until something opens up. An 18 yo is going to find it just about impossible in this tight rental market. So here's the problem. According to our rules, the son who dropped out has to either be in school full time, work full time or do half school/half work. Right now he only works two 8-hr shifts a week. We told him that if he wasn't going back to school and couldn't find a job, he needed to make up the difference (24 hours) working on our property - he couldn't just sit on his butt and do nothing. He has refused. He won't listen, will walk out of a room if we talk to him; is being a total PITA. DH and I are both fried. My son turns 18 in March. Dh's position is either he does a total transformation and signs up for school, finds work, or works for us AND does a 180 in attitude, or we kick him out. I don't have any better answers. I never in a million years thought I would consider throwing a kid out, but I don't see an alternative. I have no idea where he'd go. I don't really think he'd have any options except the local homeless shelter - which is conveniently only a few blocks from our house. :) What would you do? P.S. - drugs aren't involved and neither is alcohol. I'm 100% sure of that. A lot of this is fury that his cousin is getting to go to a top-end private college in the US totally paid for by his family, including semesters abroad and so on, and the deal we've offered our kids is two years at the local college and two at a University in the Canadian province we live in - we pay half and the kids pay half. It's completely do-able, they'd graduate with very little debt and there are tremendous experiences to be had here, too, so I don't feel bad about this at all. So - to get an idea of my son's thinking; if he can't have the all-expenses-paid college experience, he just won't even graduate from high school. I'm open to hearing advice. I believe my son is having a colossal hissy fit that life isn't handing him what he wants a silver platter, and he'll go to any length to let the world know how disappointed he is. I'm just not ready to let him take the rest of the family down with him. Help - ideas to help him change his mind and get back moving in a positive direction? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 no advice just a hug :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I'd go w/your dh's plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Is joining the military an option? :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Is joining the military an option? :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: No because he is not graduating. And I have no advice because I have teens too. Sorry. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1bassoon Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I'd go w/your dh's plan. :iagree: And ftr, I'm really, really sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1bassoon Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Gah. Double-post. Dumb slow board. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 We had to kick our 18 yo out because he was acting like your son. It was very hard to do that,especially when I heard he was sleeping in hi car. But, it was totally his choice. He is 30 now and our relationship was not irreparably damaged by that time. I am sorry that you are going through this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Double post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Triple post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Quadruple! It's a gift....and a curse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Have you and your dh ruled out possible mental health issues? It was just something that went through my mind as I read your post. If you don't believe there are any underlying issues, I would go with your dh's plan. We verbally laid out a similar plan for our dd who will be 18 in July. She is now taking college classes and is actively looking for a job and has a much better attitude. The threat worked - but we were also prepared to follow through. One other option to give your son - if he won't work for you or go to school he could be spending 8 hours a day looking for a full time job (making the job hunt his "job" right now). He would be expected to leave the house every day by 8:30 am and not return until after 5pm. It might not do any good but he would be gone all day. If he's not willing to follow your rules or get serious about a job hunt/higher education then it's time to show him the door. It really stinks to be in that spot, but sometimes these kids need hard knock reality. I'm sorry. Please let us know how things go. I pray he has an awakening and appreciates the chances you are offering him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I like your dh's plan, as well. Give him notice that this is what you will be doing and then, if he doesn't get with the program, follow through. :grouphug: I'm sorry, mama. The hug is for your mama heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I like your dh's plan, as well. Give him notice that this is what you will be doing and then, if he doesn't get with the program, follow through. :grouphug: I'm sorry, mama. The hug is for your mama heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Sounds like you will have to do dh's plan. I'd give notice that on X day if he isn't in school or working full time: You emove all electronics including cell phone, pack a bag and tent for him, meet him in the driveway because the locks have been changed. And no. He isn't camping in the backyard. But you really hope he will stop by for Sunday dinner. Then go to your bedroom and bawl for a couple days. (((hugs))) ETA: to be clear, I would have. Heart to heart about his future and his options and whatever that date would be, it would be after his 18th birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 From reading between the lines, it seems like there might be a massive disconnect between you two and your son. When a relationship has deteriorated that much, it's usually more than just being annoyed about having to pay some for college. I'd put the relationship first and try to really communicate with him. He's still seventeen, so I think kicking him out is a bit premature. A lot of teenage boys are nowhere near adulthood at seventeen. And don't be so sure about drugs or alcohol not being a problem. My mom was absolutely, 100% convinced that my brother had never smoked weed. Would have bet her life on it. Meanwhile, my brother was posting on facebook about the awesome weed he'd scored... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I believe my son is having a colossal hissy fit that life isn't handing him what he wants a silver platter, and he'll go to any length to let the world know how disappointed he is. I'm just not ready to let him take the rest of the family down with him. Help - ideas to help him change his mind and get back moving in a positive direction? BTDT...so sorry, I know how painful it is to watch. Honestly, having BTDT and got the T-shirt, I would tell him exactly what you said here...quote yourself if necessary. You hit all the high points in these two sentences!! I'd tell him that grownups who live in the real world get tossed out on their *ss when they act like that, and that is exactly what will happen to him when he turns 18 unless he REALLY grows up and starts acting maturely in the next few months. Then, I'd do exactly that. Trust me, it will be harder on you than it is on him! He'll go to the homeless shelter, camp on a friend's couch, and find someone else to bum off of until they get as sick of his attitude as you did. Then, he'll get tossed again and or fired from a job or two for his attitude, and maybe he'll start realizing that he isn't quite such a special little angel after all. Then, perhaps, he'll start coming to you for advice and maybe considering going back to school. Then, if you are even luckier, you'll wake up one day and realize that somehow he became the man you hoped he would be, and even better...he thanks you for it! Yep, that really happened...toughest thing we ever did, but our special little angel is a really good man now and an even better Daddy! ;) Grandparenting is awesome and SO much easier than he ever was! You will be okay, says the T-shirt bearing Grandma. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 The basics of your plan sound fine -- as in, I get the logic of it -- but it sounds like you've gotten used to using a "strict family vocabulary" when this situation calls for a very different way of framing your decisions. It calls for businesslike-warm -- a radical change in attitude that allows each "side" of the issue to have both freedom and dignity. First: aknowledge that your decision rests entirely on you (plural you: yourself and dh). It is not a decision about your son, and it is not, fundamentally a "parenting" decision. It's a concrete decision regarding a basic household policy. Second: think about your policy in the abstract: "Under what circumstances are we willing to house our non-minor children?" Get detailed -- what factors matter to you? How will you be able to assess situations? How will you implement eviction? Will you house stuff? Etc? Third: write your son a business letter. You may live at home until the last day of the month of your 18th birthday without any cost of obligations. We love you and will take care if you as long as you remain a child under our roof. After that, You may stay as long as you like if you are in school... Working... Working for us... Paying room and board... If you do not meet those criteria but would like to stay, you can petition us on compassionate grounds. While you stay, you will conduct yourself with basic interpersonal respect towards everyone, including doing... (not as a child, just as would apply to a 'boarder' with basic standards of decency to his hosts) If we find that you do not meet the criteria to live here, we will give you a six week eviction notice with a specific date for you to either get square with us or move out. You can apply for this date to be extended, if you have reasonable grounds. If you plan to work for ud in order to stay, you must begin to do so at least one week before eviction. If you fail to move out on or before an eviction date, we will lock you out and pack you a suitcase. We will keep your belongings safe for up to 4 months after you move out, if you move out. As of right now, you do not meet the criteria to live at home after the end of the month of your birthday. If you continue to not meet the criteria, your eviction date will be xyz. We prefer that you make this as easy as possible on yourself, so it is important for you to know your options as an adult. Sincerely, Fourth: after he has had his copy for a while, print another copy and get him to sign that he has read and understood it. If nessisary, give him the eviction notice at the right time. In the meantime treat him with detached warmth and really lower your expectations of his conduct to "not causing excessive trouble" rather than "acting like a good son should". Show unconditional love, but not intrusively.., more like you are a solid someone who is strong and "there for him" but not that interested in training him or helping him very much. Work on your own feelings instead... He's launching... He's not that good at it, but that's fine... He'll figure it out, and he can handle the process of figuring it out. Really. He can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 No advice, I'm sorry. Many hugs. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Is there any reason family counseling with a professional would be a bad idea? Even one visit for a try out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 :grouphug: Therapy? I'm sorry. I've always liked you a great deal, and I am sad to know it's so hard with your son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 :grouphug: No advice. I'm sorry your family is going through this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKshanmar Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Also BTDT... First one launched beautifully. Second one kicked out. Bolt's advice is right on. We had rules that he was unwilling to live by. On his 18th birthday, he moved to his friends house, then his girlfriend's house. The ironic part was that he was still homeschooling his whole senior year! He graduated barely. I was afraid he was just going to float, but he had a coach really step up and encourage him to go to a jr. college where he could play football. And that seemed to be a great turning point. Something will do that for your son too. Our son just came home for Christmas break, the first time he had lived here for a year and a half. It went well, not perfect, but well. I cried for months, when it was going on, and it is good to be on the other side of it! Hang in there. That phrase "tough love" isn't near as fun as it sounds. It is love and it is tough. Probably tougher on the parents than the kid, but they don't realize that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKshanmar Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Also BTDT... First one launched beautifully. Second one kicked out. Bolt's advice is right on. We had rules that he was unwilling to live by. On his 18th birthday, he moved to his friends house, then his girlfriend's house. The ironic part was that he was still homeschooling his whole senior year! He graduated barely. I was afraid he was just going to float, but he had a coach really step up and encourage him to go to a jr. college where he could play football. And that seemed to be a great turning point. Something will do that for your son too. Our son just came home for Christmas break, the first time he had lived here for a year and a half. It went well, not perfect, but well. I cried for months, when it was going on, and it is good to be on the other side of it! Hang in there. That phrase "tough love" isn't near as fun as it sounds. It is love and it is tough. Probably tougher on the parents than the kid, but they don't realize that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Is he like this with everyone or just you? I am wondering if maybe it would do him (and you) good if you inquired into whether relatives might give him a place to stay for six months or so, with the same kind of conditions you would set. Maybe the American relatives? This is only a good idea, though, if you think he is likely to try harder and be less belligerent with others. I don't know whether he could get a work visa, but if he has the ability it might give him some time. Give him a chance to get away, regroup, reflect, and think about a better long term plan. Would any relatives in relatively interesting places give him that opportunity? Maybe he could even live with the American relatives and arrange to go to get a GED (equivalency degree) and then try out community college near them. Just trying to think of other options. I don't know where you live in Canada. I know you still want him to make something of himself, and it sounds like he is bright. Perhaps he is so mired in his own frustration and envy that he can't see beyond it and make a plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKshanmar Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Ugh! Sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 THank you all for the hugs and understanding. It helps so much to know others have "been there/done that" and survived. I forgot to say that right now we have come to basic terms for the next six weeks until he's 18: He can sleep here and eat breakfast and dinner here. He has to leave the house by 9am and can't return until dinner time each day. We ask him to head downstairs to the rec room/his room in the evenings (he gets to be with his siblings - just not up in the main area of the house because he walks around saying things to piss us off and we don't need it.) It was all we could think of to do once he began to refuse to follow our rules. I'm going to ask the counselor I see from time to time tomorrow what her advice is. I have asked my son if he wanted to talk to someone - to come up with a plan or talk over his anger, etc., but he refuses and I can't "make" him. Sending him to relatives isn't an option right now. I will type up all the info for him - I think that's a good idea - so is having him sign a copy. Another thing I didn't mention before is that for all his stated desire to move out, he hasn't saved a dime. I think he has about $100 to his name right now. He has spent every penny he's earned since getting a job last spring. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I hope you work it out, Jennifer. It's a difficult age for some kids, and it sounds like he is wearing you down. I am so sorry. Big hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I think your plan is the right one. Life ISN'T fair, that's completely true - but there's nothing for your DS to gain by giving up what he does have in a tantrum over what he doesn't. I'd keep doing exactly what you are doing, and kick him out when he's 18 if he doesn't have a better plan. A little dose of reality will help a lot. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracesteacher Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I have not been near your shoes as my dd is only 6 however I watched my parents kick my oldest brother out of the house twice and then feeling bad for doing so then letting the youngest barely graduate hs then do nothing but play video games. While I would LOVE to tell you the oldest is a Executive for Boeing he is not but he figured out his life and is living it on his terms. He is married to the same woman for 20 plus years and two wonderful boys. The youngest child is 23 and does NOTHING all day and video games all night. My mom is a sick and who needs him to help her and I get calls to come over because mom needs to eat and he doesnt feel like walking to go get her anything to eat (dad works full time and there is plenty of food in the house but he wont cook or drive) or mom needs to do this or that. Dad wants to do the tough love he did with the rest of us but mom thinks it was mean (he is the baby and there is about 15 years between the last two). At 23 (24 soon) he has never worked a day in his life nor has even been behind the wheel of the car that mom and dad bought him or any other. dad has to take off work or I need to take mom to her every appt My husband and I have discussed this at length because he was the student that would sign up on mom and dad dime and then drop all the classes but the "fun" ones. His mom even said she would buy him the car of his choice if he would just graduate. I never had that option but I knew mom and dad would kick me out if I did not work full time and contribute (plus I had to pay for my own car and insurance hubby never did) I knew I would not do well in college so I found a full time job that grew in to a great job hubby worked part time and partied (till he met me and I made him shape up ;) ). They would have been OK if I went to college but it was still on my dime. My hubby and I agree that what my parents did was better. They gave me (and three of my sibling) tough love and we are all productive members of society (no we were not all kicked out only the oldest in fact two of us lived there in to our 20s). If I had not met my hubby he believes that he would have continued signing up for classes going the first weeks and then going back to hanging out and working part time and by Oct or Feb never or rarely going to classes or most of them. He knew that he could and with me he couldnt. His mom gave him all kinds of carrots (cakes cookies anything she could think of) With us as harsh as our friends think I am with our dd I have high expectations of her and will with great pain do what my dad did to my oldest brother and kick him out and then go to my room and not come out for as long as it takes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PachiSusan Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I don't have any advice, but I can offer a warm hug! I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 :grouphug: no advice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 It's so hard, I know. I have to think there might be mental health issues--maybe just some sort of stressor he's not telling you about, and he's stuck. Is he really wanting to go to Uni? Could you tell him a new plan--maybe that you will pay a certain amt for college, anywhere, and once the $ is out, it's out, but he can use the total sum for anywhere? Perhaps with one year under his belt, he would be motivated to continue on his own. IDK--just getting unstuck, like breaking out a frozen sled, sometimes requires both shifts in thinking and action, and a burst of energy. Tons of hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I have a friend who had an issue similar to yours - son homeschooled and then finished at the local public. Son made some really poor decisions and they kicked him out before he was 18. When the police found him living on the street, they tok him home and told the parents they couldn't kick him out before 18. They are still responsible for him. That could be a difference between US and Canada, but I did want to point that out. Your hands may be tied there for a couple months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I have not btdt, but I know several people in their 20s and 30s who were in your son's situation. Every one that got kicked out is now doing fine, some better than others, and they all still get along with the parents after the initial rough patch. The ones that didn't get kicked out are still at home with a bad attitude and no job/school. :grouphug: You've put toddler parenting in perspective! Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 As much as I hate to say it, I think that some people do have an over the top sense of entitlement. I don't know what it is in the water but I see many homeless young people who obviously had decent families. I don't know why they are choosing this path, but I have worked with at least one who changed his life completely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildcat Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amydavis Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I don't have any advice, just wanted to tell you I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can only imagine how much it hurts to have this happening with your son. I know it would be so hard to follow through with your husband's plan, but I honestly think it's probably what you'll have to do. I agree with everyone saying to spell out exactly what is required of him, if he expects to continue living at home. Good luck, and lots of hugs. Keep us posted on how things turn out. I'll be thinking of you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 It's important not to "require" anything (as far as staying longer Than the month of his birthday -- I think your structure around him not staying home all day makes sense). But the wording "requirement" -- That's authority-language that isn't going to help him make level-headed choices. It's going to add to his sense of alienation. Instead, what you need are simple criteria by-which he is "free" to stay if he likes. Just "terms of service" -- nothing moral about them, nothing parental, nothing like that at all. Basically, the exact same terms under-which you would house *any* young man. If he wants to stay, he knows how -- but nothing is "required". It's just information. The decision is his, and to make it he needs clear specific information (and nothing more). It's important to change this vocabulary and 'style of thinking' about your home and your son -- even in your own thought life. Managing your self talk is a powerful way to change everything about difficult situations. You need to actually see yourself (plural) as providing an open door to his freedom, with respect in your heart... Not as having requirements an a consiquence if he fails to comply... Not as incentives and dis-incentives for him to do the things you want him to do. That will break your heart and hurt everyone more than is truly nessisary... And my advice about self-talk is aimed at trying to prevent as much pain as can be prevented. (Because I know some people take self-talk advice as some kind of nit-picky personal criticism, and I wouldn't want it to hit you that way.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 almost funny, i'm practicaly the opposite history and opposite place and same problem. I am very laid back parent, but my daughter had a terrible attitude. She wanted to drop out of school and move out when she was 16, and almost did, but it fell through (my mom was going to take her in, out of state, but basically changed her mind). She DID manage to graduate high school (most credits were through community college, but she did drop the extra classes), and the day she turned 18 she moved in w her bf at his moms house (across the country). she came back and wanted to finish up her 2-year degree and get a job. she could not find a job but did well in school and ended up applying and getting in to a local college. but things started deteriorating. Well, seh DOES have mental health issues, our whole family does, but she was just getting meaner and meaner and was sure that being in my house was what made her crazy. My mom has taken her in. In some ways, dh and I are not happy, because my mom will spoil her and make her totally dependent, like she has with my sister. But at least she has her in therapy. and . . she's not here. We can have a peaceful home and focus on the younger kids. I really like that comment about the kids who were kicked out doing better than the kids who werent. But its out of my hands for now . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I believe my son is having a colossal hissy fit that life isn't handing him what he wants a silver platter, and he'll go to any length to let the world know how disappointed he is. I'm just not ready to let him take the rest of the family down with him. Help - ideas to help him change his mind and get back moving in a positive direction? We are having similar problems with our son; he won't work or go to school. He did graduate from high school. The school informed us a few weeks before graduation that he would not graduate because he was failing PE. Yes, PE. He talked to the teacher and he gave our son a D so he could graduate. He won't help with anything around the house or at our business because he doesn't want to. He did sign a contract with us in early December, which spelled out what we wanted him to do in lieu of working. He has not honored that contract at all. He dropped out of community college in October. The deal has always been that he would either work or go to college and work part-time. If his semester or cumulative GPA fell below 3.0, we would not pay for college. I made him an appointment with a therapist for next week, and I don't know if it will be helpful or if he'll go. I think he plans to go so that he can manipulate the therapist into talking us out kicking him out. That will not work. He thinks therapists are all stupid, all teachers are stupid, and we are stupid. On 12/27, we gave him 2 months to find a job or move out. He's got 5 weeks to go, and he has no interest in finding a job. The reason? It is a waste of his time to work for minimum wage! He was interested in joining the Navy this summer, but now he refuses to consider it because he is a pacifist. He could live with relatives, but he doesn't want to. My relatives won't put up with this behavior, so it is no wonder. Plus they are not the easiest people to live with. His last day to live here is February 28. The next day, DH will drop him off in town, give him a cell phone (flip) with minutes on it, a little bit of money, a list of agencies to call about homeless shelters, and a reminder that the library has computers he can use and a local newspaper. If he refuses to leave, we will call the State Police. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I'd see about getting him an appointment with a mental health professional NOW - before he turns 18 and can flat out refuse to go. When he balks, remind him that turning 18 means he will be LEAVING the house - as adults, you and your husband can do as YOU like, too - and that includes not supporting another ADULT. If/when he gets jobs, he can find his won place or pay rent to you. Full-time school means not having to pay rent. My now 19-yr-old oldest dd had a major attitude when she hit 18 that she was now an adult and we could not tell her what to do. Once I pointed out that I was also an adult and didn't have to support someone not in school full-time she did a double take. She is now a full-time community college student. tried to post this earlier but boards were down... Just calmly go over what will happen when he turns 18 - and then walk away. Let him think over it. He will most likely realize he needs to get back in school one way or another. If not - then a spell in the homeless shelter or trying to mooch off friends may make him come around. If his older sibling can help point out that "Dude - you gotta go to school" etc. it may help. In this economy it is hard for the kids to find jobs, even part-time. My dd thought she and three friends - only one of whom had a job - could rent a place together last year. I pointed out that none of them had the money for the deposit required, nor any credit history, and that no one would rent to them w/o jobs. She found I was right! (duh!). The kids really are kind of stuck - if they don't go to college they can't really move on with their lives. But they have to realize that - we can't tell them anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 It goes without saying, but is so important I think it worth saying anyway: don't make any conditions, "threats", ultimatums etc that you aren't going to stick with. Drawing a line in the sand and then backing away over and over is a TERRIBLE lesson, and can make a right monster of a person who learns only this as a coping path: that just sticking to their stubborn guns will get the grown-ups to back down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 double post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 His last day to live here is February 28. The next day, DH will drop him off in town, give him a cell phone (flip) with minutes on it, a little bit of money, a list of agencies to call about homeless shelters, and a reminder that the library has computers he can use and a local newspaper. If he refuses to leave, we will call the State Police. I'm so sorry you're going through such a similar situation! My son's last day is March 17. I wasn't sure he came home last night - he worked really late and managed to slip in after I fell asleep without waking me up like he usually does (the door kind of sticks and makes a big noise when opened/shut) so when I got up this morning I didn't know if he had or not. Needless to say, the anxiety was immense but I told myself that some time in the next two months he won't come home, and I have to be ready for that. On the good side, he's smart, he's strong, he's a fully capable young man and he's been a good employee/worked well with other adults. He seems to save his dysfunctions mainly for home. I'm so frustrated because this could be so easy if he wanted it to. I have to remember this is his choice. He could choose to make it easy or choose to make it hard. He could choose to enter adulthood with a diploma and a college degree or he can choose not to. He can choose to live at home for free (following our guidelines) or he can choose not to. Ultimately what's so hard is that this is his choice and he's not making the choice I want him to. I wish it was easy for him to find a job/rental and that he could move out under his own terms like he wants to - I certainly don't need to smother him. I just need my house to run well and not to be treated like crud by the people who live with me, no matter what age they are. It is so helpful to hear from people who've been in my shoes. Luckily I've heard enough stories to know that this, too, shall pass. It's just no fun being in the middle of it, let me tell you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I might add - I think deep down it helps the kid to know that IF they truly fall flat on their faces trying to make it on their own, that you have their back and WILL let them come back home - IF they do follow the rules of full-time school or p/t school p/t work (whatever). You are a safety net - just not a push-over. The choice is theirs. Follow house rules and have a place to live and support while in school - or flounder in the real world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Life ISN'T fair, that's completely true - but there's nothing for your DS to gain by giving up what he does have in a tantrum over what he doesn't. I just love the sentence above. OP, I do not have any BTDT advice for you, but I think you and your DH are on the right track. As you said earlier, it is his choice, and all you can do is do your best to inform him fully of the consequences of each option, then stand back and wait for him to choose. I can imagine how difficult that is to do. My DS is only 11, but I have already had numerous conversations with him about "getting in his own way" - pointing out that it is his attitude/irresponsibility/whatever that prevented him from achieving his goal. He doesn't seem to "get it" just yet, but I am so hopeful that someday it will click. Someday really stinking soon. Hugs and strength to you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I'm so sorry you're stuggling with this. I haven't BTDT . . . yet, but it won't surprise me if we end up there with our son one of these days. I often say that parenting this kid is like attempting to telepathically steer the Titanic through that field of icebergs on the strength of sheer will. No wonder I'm exhausted all the time. One small thing I wanted to add: I don't know what state you're in, but you might want to check the laws regarding child support. In some places, ridiculous as this is, parents can be forced to pay for or subsidize college costs for their kids over the age of 18. It doesn't sound like yours will be in school, but I keep reading posts that mention kicking a kid out the day after his 18th birthday, and it makes me a little worried. I wish you and your family the best as you navigate this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 On the good side, he's smart, he's strong, he's a fully capable young man and he's been a good employee/worked well with other adults. He seems to save his dysfunctions mainly for home. This is good news. Being able to functions with others is good news!!!! I'd push ahead with a exit plan, jettison the counselor, gird your loins, and cross your fingers. I suspect everything will work out fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.