Ok, am I the only one who will not allow sleepovers?

[Georgiana Daniels]

We had AWESOME sleepovers as a kid, and I smile just thinking about all the good times.

 

That said, I'm not a fan. Prefer to keep my kids at home with us. Just feels safer.

[Catwoman]

I think it is ludicrous to suggest that sleepovers are one of the great joys of childhood and that kids who don't host or attend them are somehow missing out on all sorts of incredibly wonderful memories.

 

I also think it's ridiculous to assume that bad things happen at all (or even most) sleepovers.

 

What I believe is entirely reasonable is that if a parent is fine with sleepovers, they should let their kids go to them and they should host sleepovers in their own homes, and I don't think anyone has the right to suggest that they are uncaring or negligent because of it.

 

I also believe it is entirely reasonable if a parent decides not to allow sleepovers -- whatever the reason -- and that they shouldn't be ridiculed or called paranoid as a result.

 

There is no "right" answer to this debate. Parents have to follow their own instincts and do what they feel is right for their own families.

 

In our case, my ds has no interest whatsoever in sleepovers, so I guess I've dodged a bullet so far -- no decisions have needed to be made! :D

[WTMCassandra]

Didn't have time to read all the replies, but nope, no sleepovers happening here. No way, no how.

[WiseOwlKnits]

Lily has been going on sleepovers with friends since she was 5. Her whole group of friends started them around Kindergarten. We have sleepovers with Lily and her BFF every month or two (alternating hosting). Lily even had a slumber party this summer with 3 other girls. They watched movies, did their toenails, played games, etc. It was a blast!

 

John hasn't gone on a sleepover at all yet, but I think it's a boy thing - none of his peer group is doing sleepovers yet. And Mia obviously isn't doing sleepovers yet. :)

[KrissiK]

My boys are 8 & 9 and have had friends sleep over. It's not a problem. Well, not in the way the OP fears. It's more of a problem with them not falling asleep till midnight and lots of smells coming from the bedroom. I wouldn't say sleepovers are a necessary part of childhood, but my kids enjoy them.

 

I am editing this to add that my kids' sleepovers are not the "slumber party" type of sleepover, but rather having a close friend of the family over to spend the night. And I would be very picky about who I allowed my kid to spend the night with. We don't even allow them inside the neighbors' houses because we don't know who's going to be there.

[phathui5]

We stopped allowing sleepovers when we learned that the kids' friend's mom's live-in boyfriend/future husband was a convicted sex offender. He was arrested for violating the terms of his parole when the police found out he was talking to the neighbor kids. Yup, he was actually just talking to them. But he wasn't allowed around minors and the family hadn't told anyone. I feel like I can't know most people well enough to have my kids spending the night there.

 

There are exceptions, though. We have friends back east who are practically family where I would let the kids spend as much time there as they wanted day or night.

[butterflymommy]

I don't allow them because I'm concerned about sexually predatory behavior and they just seem to involve so much drama... my 10 y.o. went to one this summer, she begged so hard and i thought maybe I was being uptight, so I let her go. I'm STILL hearing sordid tales about what took place and the 1,000 arguments the girls got in. And once they were back at school this year those girls from the sleepover "turned" on DD and are no longer her friend. And sure enough she wasn't invited back to the next sleepover. Sigh. Maybe this stuff works out swimmingly for some people but not over here.

 

I experienced peer molestation at sleepovers and knew a girl who was molested by a dad at a sleepover... also I know a social worker who said that she never allows sleepovers based on all the sexual abuse stories she has heard related to sleepovers. It's just not worth the risk IMO.

[nd293]

I hated sleepovers as a child! Dd12 enjoys them, and I allow them. So far the issue of group sleepovers / sleepover parties has not come up, and I'm happy to keep it that way - issues of peer pressure seem to me to be the most immediate concern. Dd knows that I would not allow sleepovers at certain houses - it's a case-by-case judgement based on what I know of the children, level of parental supervision, family dynamics etc.

 

As it happens, Ds-nearly-6 is at his first ever sleepover right now. I see the mother and children regularly, and have met the father occasionally, including one weekend camping trip. In a perfect world ds's first sleepover would be with family or life long friends, but that's not our reality. Right now I'm still expecting to get an 11pm call to collect him!

[ByGrace3]

We don't do sleepovers except at my parents and my sisters houses. Thankfully two of my sisters have kids my dd's age so it works out quite nicely. I allow all the sleepovers they want at our house. I have heard way too many stories of unfortunate events at sleepovers. I will do everything I can for my children to not be a statistic.

[Pawz4me]

We don't do sleepovers.

 

Our boys are both introverts who shudder at the thought of having to share their space with someone else, or even worse having to share some unfamiliar place with another person. DH and I were the same way as kids. Both of us attempted sleepovers to fit in, and both of us have confessed to each other that we found every minute to be torture. Our boys haven't even slept over with either of their grandmothers, both of whom they adore. They'll spend all day with them, but at night they want to be at home in their own bed.

 

In general I don't think sleepovers are all that big around here. I rarely here any of the neighbor kids talk about sleepovers, and neither of my very outgoing, extroverted nieces do sleepovers.

[ByGrace3]

 

 

Based on this and your OP, I'd highly encourage you to get educated on the real information regarding predators, and ways to protect your family.

 

I'd begin with the book Protecting The Gift.

 

And, just a hint, you CAN spot a predator before it's too late.

 

As far as the questions in the OP, the assertions in it and premise are not a match for my life orientation. However, I am pro sleepever for my kids. We have hosted more than they've attended, but all 3 of mine have had sleepover fun for years now.

 

 

I have never disagreed outright with anyone on this board ever....but I am saying here, you are dead wrong. You CANNOT always spot it before it is too late. I consider myself a very good judge of character, am extremely sensitive about this type of thing, I have a background in social work, my Dh is a licensed mental health counselor, we are trained to look for it. A few years ago it came out that someone was molesting people we know. These were all people we are very close with. No one had a clue. Not one single suspicion.

 

You may weigh the cost benefit analysis and come out that you are ok to have your kids sleep over, but that does not mean those of us who have abstained from this choice are delusional.

 

I know of a girl who was molested at a sleepover of friends they knew well. I have plenty of other stories but that one alone is enough to say it is not worth it. Am I delusional? No, I am careful. Am I overprotective? You bet. Over 1/2 of the girls in my family have been molested. I may be jaded by experience, but not delusional.

[DarlaS]

My inclination is to just not do them. That said, one of my kids has been on one sleepover at the house of a family I trust.

 

Just last summer we turned down an invitation from a new friend. Three days ago the friend's father was arrested for domestic violence after beating the snot out of the girl's mother. We knew there were issues with this kind of thing in the past (The ten year old girl told us all her family secrets within minutes of meeting us--including the fact that her mom once had a restraining order against her dad! :ohmy: )

 

There are other concerns with having your child stay with another family beyond molestation. You just never really know people (unless of course their kid really talks a mile a minute, then you get to know quite a bit about them.)

[Chris in VA]

For me, there's a difference between a sleepover party, with several girls sleeping over, and a sleepover, which is just one.

I'm fine with both, but I have found the older the kids, the more likely they will do something they shouldn't.

 

That said, I know the two families of girls dd has spent the night with, and I'm secure in letting her go to either a party there or a one-on-one.

 

But if you aren't, you aren't. No biggie.

 

And I do think they are one of childhood's great joys, but we don't all get to experience all the great joys--again, no biggie.

[katiejane]

This thread made me smile. My d is at a sleep over right now. We have never had any problems other that a bit of crankiness the next day. All my kids have been allowed to sleep at friends houses where we know the parents really well. Most of their friends are homeschooled friends from church where we have known their parents for 20+ years. They have had wonderful times and I have never had to deal with the kids learning anything they shouldn't have.

 

I am trained in child protection and that taught me that abuse can happen in a matter of seconds. We cannot have our eyes on our children 24/7. We just can't. We need to teach our kids about how to protect themselves as well as us watching out for them. I do not want my kids to grow up with the message that every adult is a potential abuser. I do not think that is healthy or realistic. The majority of adults are not abusers.

[Joanne]

I have never disagreed outright with anyone on this board ever....but I am saying here, you are dead wrong. You CANNOT always spot it before it is too late. I consider myself a very good judge of character, am extremely sensitive about this type of thing, I have a background in social work, my Dh is a licensed mental health counselor, we are trained to look for it. A few years ago it came out that someone was molesting people we know. These were all people we are very close with. No one had a clue. Not one single suspicion.

 

You may weigh the cost benefit analysis and come out that you are ok to have your kids sleep over, but that does not mean those of us who have abstained from this choice are delusional.

 

I know of a girl who was molested at a sleepover of friends they knew well. I have plenty of other stories but that one alone is enough to say it is not worth it. Am I delusional? No, I am careful. Am I overprotective? You bet. Over 1/2 of the girls in my family have been molested. I may be jaded by experience, but not delusional.

 

 

I never said anything about "delusional".

 

I'm a victim of sexual molestation, and I am also a trained and licensed mental health professional.

 

You can't stop/prevent/spot every circumstance. However, the post I was responding to was this:

 

 

 

I'm floored. With all we know now about predators, how absolutely *incapable* we are of spotting them until it's TOO LATE, I will never allow another adult to take care of my child at night. Period.

 

 

 

And that is patently *false*. And inaccurate. And dangerous.

 

I can't speak to your situation and the people you've known and the experiences you've had. I can only speak to my knowledge, experience, and observations. In that regard, I believe predators give us information about themeselves. This information, if we are trained to identify it, assists with prevention.

[Kathryn]

DS1 definitely won't do sleepovers other than with grandma because of his autism. I expect DS2 won't either because we don't feel the risks are worth the reward. I went to plenty of sleepovers and we were pretty much always poorly supervised and got into all sorts of situations we shouldn't have. DH was abused by multiple people his parents trusted with his care as well as waking up to a life threatening situation when a father came home drunk as they slept and started beating his friend with a shovel for eating all of the chicken. DH escaped through the window when the friend told his dad that it was DH who ate the chicken and ran home in the middle of the night. Again, this was a family his parents knew and trusted. Perhaps it's overreacting, but we're okay with that. I make no judgment on those who allow it.

[Stayseeliz]

I answered earlier but to me it's not just the chance of abuse. That is huge for me since you never know someone. But it's just everything they could be exposed to. Do they have guns, pornogrpahy, open access to the internet or cable tv? There are a lot of things that I work hard from shielding my kids from and I'm not going to let it all be undone because they want to spend the night at a friend's house. It's just not worth it to me. I got an education from Playgirl magazine at a friend's way before I should've known anything about anything.

[Impish]

Yes, yes you are.

 

and your children will grow up to be maladjusted freaks that hang out under the porch and eat stray cats.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I"m not assuming sleepovers will result in molestation, but I just think it's a totally unnecessary risk. As HomeschoolMamaOfTwo perhaps more judiciously pointed out, my kids are too young right now so perhaps I'm jumping the gun a bit. Still, the statistics for child sexual abuse are out. of. this. world. and I am loathe to hand physical custody of my child to anyone while he/she gets changed and goes to bed.

 

For the ages of your children, I definitely would be opposed. Children that age cannot advocate for themselves and should only be left in the care of people who you trust completely. Back to your original post, I don't think sleepovers are a necessary part of childhood (I don't remember enjoying them all that much) and I am not a huge fan, but not out of fears of molestation. If I that were my reason, my kids would never have been in a sport or scouts or anything that would put them in contact with other adults without me present. I mostly dislike the junk food, lack of sleep, and crankiness the next day.

 

However, as my children got older, more independent and more able to discern inappropriate attention, I have allowed it. My boys were never really into them, mostly because it wasn't as common among their friends. The only sleep overs they did were through scouts and only with scout groups that strictly followed the BSA rules. Dh was there most of the time and they were old enough and well instructed on how to recognize inappropriate attention and to report it to another adult. With dd12, we only started allowing them in the last year - usually in larger groups, and ONLY after we were knew she had the confidence to stand up for herself and call us if anything made her uncomfortable.

[Wheres Toto]

Unfortunately anything that can happen at a sleep-over, can happen at any time of day. Unless you never let your children out of your sight there are risks. But, if you make sure your kids are educated and trust you enough to come to you with concerns, you can minimize a lot of that risk.

 

People are talking about only letting sleep-overs with trusted family members - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents - statistically speaking these are the most likely molesters. Even the one poster talked about her grandfather being the molester and no one thinking anything of it.

 

My younger two haven't done sleep-overs except baby sitting situations with grandparents. My oldest did a ton of sleep-overs when she was younger. With school friends, with dance friends, at hotels (well supervised), at our home, at friends homes, with one other friend, with groups of friends. Yes she may be cranky the next day but I'm not going to deny my kids childhood experiences because they might be a little tired and cranky (assuming they don't have any chronic health conditions). We've done concerts, sports events, vacations, shows, trips to NYC - many many things that may disrupt their normal sleep schedule and result in being a little extra tired (the holidays alone do that even if we don't go anywhere). That's part of enjoying life, IMO.

[Um_2_4]

My kids are also young, but we won't be doing any sleepovers, not just b/c of the issue in 1st post, but for a multitude of additional reasons...like the misinformation that someone mentioned...

Just dosen't fit with our family...not to mention my memories of sleepovers was not the best....

[Wabi Sabi]

Both of my kids love sleepovers. I do sincerely believe that they WOULD be missing out if we didn't allow them. Clearly you may feel very differently depending upon your family's views on such things.

 

That being said, it goes without saying that they only spend the night with families we trust and know well. I realize that doesn't make us immune to something bad happening, but well, that's life. Everyday we take risks just by getting out of bed. All I can do is educate my kids and trust my instincts. I refuse to become someone who views everyone as potential abusers.

 

Our circle of friends does one on one sleepovers, never big groups of children all sleeping over together. My son even has regular sleepovers with female friends/cousins. They're still so young, sweet and innocent at this age. I'm not worried about the kinds of things they might overhear or learn about from other children because we're already very open with them about sex, drugs and such. And really, kids are just as likely to get misinformation from other kids at church, at school, in a class, on the playground...

[A.Balaban]

I think there is a huge difference in the dynamic between just one girl and her friend, and one girl and a group of friends. Most of my sleepovers that I had were with one girl/one friend. Most of the time, if I wanted more than one friend over I would host the sleepover party myself.

 

As far as my kids go, my son does spend nights at his dad's apartment now. His dad has a roommate who shares his apartment. I have to accept my limitations. My kids have both spend nights at my mom's house, too.

 

But, my kids are too young for sleepovers at friends. I'll chime in again in 5-7 years. :coolgleamA:

[MiniBlondes]

I'm not exactly against sleepovers, but I'm not pro-sleepover either. I basically ride the fence here. We have allowed them on certain occasions. My best friend of 20 years has a daughter the same age as my oldest, and she has a birthday sleepover every year. We go to those. I also attend to help my friend manage the chaos. My girls have a friend in the neighborhood who would have a sleepover EVERY SINGLE DAY if she could. It gets rather annoying. We allow those too, in moderation. I don't like it that much, but it has more to do with the cranky/sleeplessness and the ODing on sugar that the mother allows. Also, the last time they were there, they watched Twilight, which I did not appreciate. Anyway... it's less to do with fear of molestation and more to do with my not being comfortable of letting go of the control of what goes into their minds and bodies.

 

Recently, I've begun to suggest they sleep over here instead. I want to foster the friendship, but not promote the vampire-obsessed culture and high fructose corn syrup. :)

[Wabi Sabi]

As I read about sleep deprived children, vampire and junk food culture, sneaking out at night and porn I'm beginning to realize that the kind of sleepovers my kids have are very different from the sleepovers you've all described. They go over to a friend's house, they play, they eat dinner with the family, they go to bed at a reasonable time, they wake up in the morning to play some more, eat a big stack of pancakes and run to hide when I come later to pick them up. :tongue_smilie:

[Parrothead]

I'm not against sleep overs. I think they can be fun. But dd does not like to sleep away from home. She has on two occasions and she did try sleep away camp once. When she has children I'm sure she will be anti-sleep over.

 

We have had kids over here. For a few years we were hosting sleep overs every couple of weeks. Then we moved. Now our friends lean more toward sleep overs in emergency circumstances. They aren't against sleep overs in theory, but would prefer than they not happen every weekend.

 

We did on two separate occasions host a little girl who refused to sleep. Both were obnoxious and were never invited back.

[Word Nerd]

My niece had sleepovers with the daughter mentioned in this horrible story several times when they were in grade school. My sister felt that she knew the family and never had any reason to suspect my niece would not be safe in their home—and she was. For all outward appearances, the father seemed like a nice guy and a loving, involved parent. My sister and niece both genuinely liked him, and it was difficult to conceive how in the world the person they thought they knew previously could do something so awful. I know that this is just an anecdote—and a freak, extreme one at that. But it does illustrate that our personal judgment of another person's character is fallible, no matter how perceptive we believe ourselves to be.

 

I'm not anti-sleepover, but I keep them to a minimum and am selective about allowing them. Sleepovers are fun, but in my kids they usually also have negative effects the next day that make me question whether my kids' amusement is worth it.

[I.Dup.]

We made the choice to allow sleepovers for dd at one family's house. She got really close to their 2 girls and they are a devout Catholic family. We did know that there had been sexual molestation in their family by an older brother who they are no longer in contact with. This was something they had worked through for years. I figured it was even safer since it had come out into the light.

 

However, they allow their girls quite a bit of freedom and the parents go to bed well before the girls do. They are allowed on the internet and on youtube late into the night. That makes me uncomfortable. We aren't very close with this family anymore, so it hasn't been an issue lately.

 

There is sexual molestation and perversion going on in SO many families. :(

[Trish]

Re: the day vs night thing (that kids can be endangered at any time of day, so why worry about sleepovers), I do think it makes a difference. During the day if a kid feels uncomfortable they can readily call a parent. At night they might be relucant to do the same. Even if you tell them it's okay. Because calling a parent in the middle of a night will create a scene of sorts, no matter what. And things are just different at night in terms of where your mind is, and your comfort level. Something can be happening to you and you can actually wonder, is this really happening?

 

It's easy to say we give our kids "the tools" to protect themselves from Inappropriate Whatever, and yeah, you can tell them that a thousand times. but then when Whomever's Sibling gets out the pornography or the whatever to look at, most kids don't want to be "the one" who has to call their parent or kick up any kind of fuss. So they pretend not to be scared and go along with that. No matter how well you've prepped them beforehand. And for me, I just think more clearly during the day. I'm less rational at night for a variety of reasons, and the middle of the night, forget it.

[Wheres Toto]

I guess it depends on the kid to a large extent. My daughter did sleep-overs without a problem from the time she was 5 or 6, but when she was 8 (when I divorced her dad) she started having a problem staying over anywhere. Even friends that she had slept over many many times before. I started getting phone calls in the middle of the night and made many trips to pick her up. I guess a kid having their own cell phone would make this easier and less uncomfortable for them, but none of the parents my kids stayed over with ever had a problem with her calling me. I would not have a kid sleep-over my house unless I had a phone number for the parents and knew they would be reachable.

[fairfarmhand]

I don;t think that by not allowing sleepovers you are making your child miss out on one of the joys of childhood. People use the same reasoning for advocating against homeschooling.

 

However, I do allow them with select close friends and family but not till my kids are older than 7-8.

 

Don;t decieve yourself that by disallowing them that your kids will automatically be exempt from predators or bad friendship behaviors. They can all occur unless you are with your children 100% of the time/

[Ghee]

I allow sleepovers, but only with parents that I know and am friends with. As a cheer coach to my daughters team, I've met a couple of moms that I know but am just acquaintances with....I don't know that we'd allow sleepovers with all of them. Maybe one or two whom I know through other outlets, as well. Of course, we live in a small town and I grew up with most of the parents. It makes a difference. When we move, we will have to start all over in the getting to know the parents department.

 

My only issues with not allowing sleepovers due to fear of molestation is that A) That is a pretty sweeping accusation against everyone. I'd be afraid I was making my children overly fearful of people without just cause and 2) Will you allow no play dates of any kind? A predator will molest a kid at a play date at noon on Sunday just as quickly as 11 pm on Friday night. A predator will molest a kid in a public bathroom, yet I have to allow my younger son to go in alone sometimes. We have talked about personal safety and I wait right (and I mean RIGHT) outside the door if he isn't going in with a brother or his father. But I don't say "I'll be right here if someone attempts to molest you", because, to me, that would sew fear where it isn't necessarily justified. You need to be protective of your boundaries, but I don't want to feel like everyone I meet is out to touch me or harm me otherwise.

 

OP, do you really feel that you don't know any adults that you feel fairly confident would NOT molest your child? It is okay to decide whether to allow sleepovers on a case by case basis. My dd had sleepovers with two good friends, there was another little girl in the group whose mother was a little nuts. I wasn't afraid that she would harm my daughter, I was afraid that she would spin some tail about what my daughter had "done" at the sleepover if she got mad at us (and she got mad at people all the time), so we always said no when the issue came up.

 

Not trying to be Paul on Mad About You with the A and 2 thing, but the sunglasses smilie needs to go. Just sayin.

[Wabi Sabi]

Perhaps I will feel differently as my children get older, but for now I have no reason to be concerned about the influence of older siblings exposing my kids to inappropriate things. My ds and his friends ARE the older siblings. They're all very sweet children. My kids are just lucky, I suppose, to have such a nice group of friends with lovely families.

[happyWImom]

My dc are 8 & 10, and they haven't had/done any yet-without me, that is. We have stayed at family friends, and vice versa, so they have felt they've experienced the sleepover. But, we definitely have not let them stay up all night or anything.

 

When I was young, I don't think I started sleep overs until jr. high, and that's when my dc will, too. And, not just at anyone's house; they will have to be friends that I know well & know the parents well. In fact, the friends that they have now are children who's mom/parents I am friends with.

[swellmomma]

I had a blanket no sleepovers policy for years. and then one night I decided to let the kids go to one, after all allow them to go to scout and guide camps etc too. The mother left all the kids home alone and went to the bar and got drunk. At that time my kids were 9 & 10. I flipped out of course when I found out and then went back to a blanket no sleepovers policy, after all this family proved my concerns were valid. SKip forward to this past summer. I let the kids have their best friend sleep over here, all 3 had a blast(my 2 big kids and the boy). At the time we were considering if we had the means to take him in for the current school year so it was no big deal to have him over. A couple weekends later he had them to his house. I was worried the whole time, but that boy has his head on his shoulders. and my kids were older and more vocal if they saw something wrong (they were both 13 with ds turning 14 just a couple weeks later). It went very well. Jan 3 my dd13 has a sleepover at her dance studio, which to me equals more like a camp than a sleepover, but she came to me last night and thanked me for allowing sleepovers again so she could go. I was not going to tell her it was never a question in this case (she earned that sleepover as a prize for attaining a certain number of stretch minutes this term, all the girls that did will be featured in next year's calendar and get the sleepover).

 

Anyway, I no longer believe in a blanket no sleep over policy but I also do not believe in them having sleepovers with every friend that asks. I need to know and trust the family, the kids, see my kids behaviours around said family and kid. There is a lot of trust involved. So I will not automatically say no, but the people I allow them to go to sleepovers with are few and far between. THe kids accept this fully and are happy they get to go with the ones I allow.

[TranquilMind]

There is an education.com poll going around on Facebook and I simply can't believe the responses I'm reading. Almost everyone is for sleepovers, and thinks that parents who don't like or won't allow them are robbing their kids of their childhood.

 

I'm floored. With all we know now about predators, how absolutely *incapable* we are of spotting them until it's TOO LATE, I will never allow another adult to take care of my child at night. Period.

 

I don't see the point, anyway. I had sleepovers, but they were not a defining part of my childhood, and frankly, there was some sexual experimentation at one (not involving me, but still)...

 

Am I the only one? What says the Hive?

 

 

Your oldest is only 7. I had very rigid rules then too.

 

We did very few sleepovers for my girl, and only with trusted people. She didn't like them anyway, and likes to sleep.

 

My son occasionally stays at the home of his best friend of the last 8 years. We know the parents well.

 

So, there might be exceptions in the future, but as a rule, sleepovers for very young children and with people you don't know well are not a good idea, in my view. I don't know that you can categorically declare "never" though.

[joannqn]

My 12, 10, and 5 year olds have all gone on sleepovers, and we have hosted sleepovers for the older two.

 

I agree with Joanne; a sexual predator can be spotted before they strike your children. You need to be knowledgeable in how predators work. You need to train your children so they don't fall victim. You must be willing to trust your gut. Predators watch families before they even make the first move, and the first move will never get them in trouble. If you and your children don't fall for that first move or even the second or third, your children will be safe.

[AimeeM]

As I read about sleep deprived children, vampire and junk food culture, sneaking out at night and porn I'm beginning to realize that the kind of sleepovers my kids have are very different from the sleepovers you've all described. They go over to a friend's house, they play, they eat dinner with the family, they go to bed at a reasonable time, they wake up in the morning to play some more, eat a big stack of pancakes and run to hide when I come later to pick them up. :tongue_smilie:

Staying up late, eating junk food, and watching movies were some of the greatest things about sleepovers when I was a kid! I don't think p*rn came into the picture until I was in my later teens... and at that point, most children will (whether by themselves or in a group) get curious. It was never a deviate thing - more like Susie found a magazine under mom's bed and showed it to us. Lol.

[MinivanMom]

Re: the day vs night thing (that kids can be endangered at any time of day, so why worry about sleepovers), I do think it makes a difference. During the day if a kid feels uncomfortable they can readily call a parent. At night they might be relucant to do the same. Even if you tell them it's okay. Because calling a parent in the middle of a night will create a scene of sorts, no matter what. And things are just different at night in terms of where your mind is, and your comfort level. Something can be happening to you and you can actually wonder, is this really happening?

 

It's easy to say we give our kids "the tools" to protect themselves from Inappropriate Whatever, and yeah, you can tell them that a thousand times. but then when Whomever's Sibling gets out the pornography or the whatever to look at, most kids don't want to be "the one" who has to call their parent or kick up any kind of fuss. So they pretend not to be scared and go along with that. No matter how well you've prepped them beforehand. And for me, I just think more clearly during the day. I'm less rational at night for a variety of reasons, and the middle of the night, forget it.

 

I agree. Nighttime is different than daytime. It allows you a different degree of privacy and access. It can make it harder to seek help if a situation arises.

 

I went to plenty of sleepovers as a child, but I would not consider them the greatest joy of my childhood or anything like that. I never experienced anything horrible, but I know plenty of other people who did. Due to some of the things friends and family members experienced, we do not allow sleepovers. Of course, my children are fairly young, so it's quite possible that I will allow sleepovers with a close, trusted friend when they are older. Never say never. At this age, though, I don't see the point. I just don't think that there is anything super magical about the hours of 11 pm - 6 am. My kids can have fun with their friends during waking hours when there are adults who are awake to supervise the activities and to go to for help if need be.

[PeacefulChaos]

I didn't read all the responses, but I have two reactions to the OP:

1. Your opinion is very valid and fine *for you*.

2. Please don't assume that people who choose differently than you are somehow less informed or are making bad parenting decisions.

People have all different opinions on all different issues. Sometimes I think that the prevalence of the internet - and social media, in particular - has made the mommy wars much worse. I think we all know far too much about the lives of others - the PERSONAL lives of others - that we wouldn't know otherwise, and it has made us (general 'us') all more judgmental or more prone to second guess ourselves or some combination of both.

Anyway.

As for us, we haven't had it come up yet. My kids spend the night at my IL's house sometimes. If we lived close to my grandparents they could spend the night there, too. As far as other people, well, it all just depends. We would have to take it on a case-by-case basis. Link's best friend just moved to Texas over the summer, and that's the only person I can think of who would've had him over for a sleepover. We know their family well and we would have allowed it. There are other friends that we wouldn't. We are totally open to having sleepovers at our house, however - aforementioned best friend stayed at our house overnight for Link's birthday last year (another boy was invited but didn't want to spend the night), and spent an entire weekend here while his parents were house hunting in Texas.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I think it's one of those things that everyone decides on for themselves, and every decision is just as valid as the next.

[justLisa]

Both of my kids love sleepovers. I do sincerely believe that they WOULD be missing out if we didn't allow them. Clearly you may feel very differently depending upon your family's views on such things.

 

That being said, it goes without saying that they only spend the night with families we trust and know well. I realize that doesn't make us immune to something bad happening, but well, that's life. Everyday we take risks just by getting out of bed. All I can do is educate my kids and trust my instincts. I refuse to become someone who views everyone as potential abusers.

 

Our circle of friends does one on one sleepovers, never big groups of children all sleeping over together. My son even has regular sleepovers with female friends/cousins. They're still so young, sweet and innocent at this age. I'm not worried about the kinds of things they might overhear or learn about from other children because we're already very open with them about sex, drugs and such. And really, kids are just as likely to get misinformation from other kids at church, at school, in a class, on the playground...

 

 

I could have posted similar.

 

We have 3 families close enough for sleepovers right now. I am SO thankful for the great family that dd spends time with. It has been so good for her to be out on her own for one night with a good friend and loving parents. Their home operates much different than ours and I think it has been positive for dd to experience. We have kids here often. The kids love it. They also spend the night at my parents every Friday which is like our second home. They have best friends on the block and have sleepovers there too. My mom is an awesome grandma. They are like the neighborhood grandparents. I never even think about sexual predators. I mean obviously I am educated about it, but no I don't think about it when my kids are at other's homes, because I know the parents.

[swellmomma]

Now that I am reading more replies I have 2 more thoughts. Those that have a blanket no sleepovers rule do you also disallow going on camps etc? There is still parents of a child(generally that is who volunteers to be a leader for most things), many children, over night and with the added hiccup of distance with no way for the child to call parents. Do you allow them to camps with scouting, or church group or guiding or any of those sorts of programs? What makes those different than a sleep over with a trusted friend?

 

My other thought is in regards to the nonsense some got up to and the perception of ruined childhood. I slept over at my best friend's house ever friday and saturday for years growing up. It became my safe place. Things were not great at home I needed the escape. If I was not babysitting for someone on those days I was usually at her place. I do think that not having that would have ruined my childhood. Almost all my good memories occured with her family. That said her family had different values than mine and the first time I tasted hard liquor was at her place, her parents let us have a taste of the drinks they were mixing for company. And when I went camping with them for a week at 11 years old they were going to let me shoot their gun but then changed their mind at the last minute. I found out later from my mom she would have been fine with that anyway. We would play, watch a movie, have some popcorn, play board games with her brother and parents, and as we grew talk about the boys at school etc. ANd then sleep. We would get up in the morning, have breakfast, do some chores together and head out to play with the rest of the neighborhood (once older we usually headed over to someone else's house to hang out) and that was that.

 

When I was in high school though hanging out with a different group, in grade 12 we got up to hijinks, nothing overly terrible but nothing I would want my girls to do (such as run topless-though in a bra) across the foot bridge over the busiest road in that town on a dare. Actually truth or dare was popular whether we attended a slumber party or just hung out in someone's backyard. The rest of my sleepovers were not actually allowed sleepovers. It was me sneaking out of my house to "sleepover" at my boyfriend's place.

 

Anyway, I think with a trusted family/friend and kids too young to hop in the car with their friends to go find trouble sleepovers are generally speaking a good thing. Do I think a childhood will be ruined without them, not necessarily, but I do think there are many children that would find that. Now generally those of us on this board do not have dysfunctional things going on in thier home, so perhaps having your home be the place were sleepovers take place, give your kids the experience while still offering what you consider a safe situation, and who knows the sleepovers at your home may in fact become the best memories another child grows up with.

[Trish]

My 12, 10, and 5 year olds have all gone on sleepovers, and we have hosted sleepovers for the older two.

 

I agree with Joanne; a sexual predator can be spotted before they strike your children. You need to be knowledgeable in how predators work. You need to train your children so they don't fall victim. You must be willing to trust your gut. Predators watch families before they even make the first move, and the first move will never get them in trouble. If you and your children don't fall for that first move or even the second or third, your children will be safe.

 

There's some overconfidence for you.

 

Even people with gut feelings can be wrong, in either direction.

[boscopup]

My oldest has been to sleepovers 3 times, and will go to another one tonight. The first time, he was about 4 years old. It was with his friend who is about 6 months older (they're the same grade). The parents have VERY similar beliefs as us with regards to religion, modesty, discipline, etc. I trust that family completely. I've known them a very long time. I also knew that the boys would be well supervised with both parents present at all times. I was glad we'd tried this out once, because just a few months later, I had to leave DS1 at this family's house so we could get up at dark thirty and take DS2 to get tubes in his ears at the hospital. We picked up DS1 on the way home. Worked out quite nicely. At that time, DS1 slept in pullups, and so did his friend. He didn't need anyone changing him (though I'm perfectly fine with this woman changing my boys, and she has done so while babysitting them when they were younger).

 

DS has done a Cub Scout den sleepover once. His birthday party sleepover tonight is with the family mentioned above. There will be a few other kids at this one, but these are all fairly sheltered kids, and they're young. I don't think anything appropriate will be going on. And again, both parents will be present at all times. It's not a free for all. They'll eat pizza, play board games, watch a movie or two (and they're really tame movies, because one mom was concerned about her original movie ideas which were movies I'd be perfectly fine with my son watching). They'll then go to sleep and have a good breakfast in the morning.

 

As I read about sleep deprived children, vampire and junk food culture, sneaking out at night and porn I'm beginning to realize that the kind of sleepovers my kids have are very different from the sleepovers you've all described. They go over to a friend's house, they play, they eat dinner with the family, they go to bed at a reasonable time, they wake up in the morning to play some more, eat a big stack of pancakes and run to hide when I come later to pick them up. :tongue_smilie:

 

Exactly. Of course, my kids are young, so any sleepover they go to is not likely to be a very late night. ;)

 

Exactly. Last time I checked (and it's not like I keep up on the research), a child was more likely to be molested by a family member than a stranger. Look, we don't willy nilly send our kids out with a sleeping bag to some unknown address and wave bye bye. But a night here or there at the home of a friend? Or having friends spend the night here? Kids love doing it. It's fun. It's harmless. I don't understand the paranoia.

 

Ditto. Honestly, I think my kids are more likely to be in a car accident than to be molested by trusted friends at a sleepover, and I still drive them everywhere. If you're going to go by anecdotal stories, you might as well keep your children away from their own father, because how many families have a father molesting his own children? At some point, I have to trust someone. I trust my DH. I trust my parents. I trust my close friends.

[Elinor Everywhere]

As I read about sleep deprived children, vampire and junk food culture, sneaking out at night and porn I'm beginning to realize that the kind of sleepovers my kids have are very different from the sleepovers you've all described. They go over to a friend's house, they play, they eat dinner with the family, they go to bed at a reasonable time, they wake up in the morning to play some more, eat a big stack of pancakes and run to hide when I come later to pick them up. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

This is my experience, too, and it was the same when I was a kid (a long, long time ago :tongue_smilie: ). My dd has been doing sleepovers for years, and the girls love to stay up giggling half the night. When she was younger, they would paint each other's toenails, play games, watch movies, etc. Eating popcorn, staying up late, then getting up in the morning for a big breakfast is very good, and in my opinion, perfectly clean fun.

 

My ds doesn't have a lot of friends, so he doesn't do many sleepovers. When we lived on our sailboat in the summer, his best friend's dad had the boat next to us, and the boys would sometimes sleep on their boat (by themselves). It was like camping in the back yard. They'd stay up late fishing, raid our boat for more food, talk and then fall asleep, only to be up by 6am the next day fishing again. My ds was 11-13 during this time.

 

Maybe we live in a Pollyanna world, or maybe we're just extremely lucky. But for my family (and my sister and her kids and my brother and his kids....) sleepovers have always been fun and innocent.

 

On the other hand, my kids are now 15, so I suspect if THEY are going to be the cause of any unwanted behaviors, it would begin around now. Strangely (and perhaps backwards), I feel more reluctant now, and once they and their friends are driving, I'll be stricter yet.

[justLisa]

My oldest has been to sleepovers 3 times, and will go to another one tonight. The first time, he was about 4 years old. It was with his friend who is about 6 months older (they're the same grade). The parents have VERY similar beliefs as us with regards to religion, modesty, discipline, etc. I trust that family completely. I've known them a very long time. I also knew that the boys would be well supervised with both parents present at all times. I was glad we'd tried this out once, because just a few months later, I had to leave DS1 at this family's house so we could get up at dark thirty and take DS2 to get tubes in his ears at the hospital. We picked up DS1 on the way home. Worked out quite nicely. At that time, DS1 slept in pullups, and so did his friend. He didn't need anyone changing him (though I'm perfectly fine with this woman changing my boys, and she has done so while babysitting them when they were younger).

 

DS has done a Cub Scout den sleepover once. His birthday party sleepover tonight is with the family mentioned above. There will be a few other kids at this one, but these are all fairly sheltered kids, and they're young. I don't think anything appropriate will be going on. And again, both parents will be present at all times. It's not a free for all. They'll eat pizza, play board games, watch a movie or two (and they're really tame movies, because one mom was concerned about her original movie ideas which were movies I'd be perfectly fine with my son watching). They'll then go to sleep and have a good breakfast in the morning.

 

 

 

Exactly. Of course, my kids are young, so any sleepover they go to is not likely to be a very late night. ;)

 

 

 

Ditto. Honestly, I think my kids are more likely to be in a car accident than to be molested by trusted friends at a sleepover, and I still drive them everywhere. If you're going to go by anecdotal stories, you might as well keep your children away from their own father, because how many families have a father molesting his own children? At some point, I have to trust someone. I trust my DH. I trust my parents. I trust my close friends.

 

Always a voice of reason :D

 

And I feel the same way

[Jenny in Florida]

Re: the day vs night thing (that kids can be endangered at any time of day, so why worry about sleepovers), I do think it makes a difference. During the day if a kid feels uncomfortable they can readily call a parent. At night they might be relucant to do the same. Even if you tell them it's okay. Because calling a parent in the middle of a night will create a scene of sorts, no matter what. And things are just different at night in terms of where your mind is, and your comfort level. Something can be happening to you and you can actually wonder, is this really happening?

 

It's easy to say we give our kids "the tools" to protect themselves from Inappropriate Whatever, and yeah, you can tell them that a thousand times. but then when Whomever's Sibling gets out the pornography or the whatever to look at, most kids don't want to be "the one" who has to call their parent or kick up any kind of fuss. So they pretend not to be scared and go along with that. No matter how well you've prepped them beforehand. And for me, I just think more clearly during the day. I'm less rational at night for a variety of reasons, and the middle of the night, forget it.

 

That's an interesting perspective.

 

One of the many reasons my kids had their own cell phones relatively early (something that also draws expressions of disbelief and head-shaking around here sometimes) is that I wanted them to be able to get in touch with us whenever they wanted/needed to do so as soon as we started leaving them anywhere without us.

 

Neither of mine has the slightest hesitation calling or, even better because it's more discrete, texting me to ask for plausible deniability to get out of any questionable situation. They both know that their dad and I are always ready and willing to be the bad guy and provide cover for them. At various times, I've worked out code words before they go to events, so that they can call me and say something that sounds innocuous and know I'll be there to collect them in 10 minutes. They have both been taught -- and have followed through -- to feel free at any moment in which they get uncomfortable for any reason to tell companions how their awful, unreasonable parents are insisting they go home right now.

 

No fuss. No muss. Either of them can easily and discretely text me and either tell me what's going on or just use the code word. I'll call back so others can hear the phone ring, and then go get him/her.

 

They also know perfectly well that I don't really sleep when they are out. So, waking me up in the middle of the night is never really a big concern.

 

Heck, my daughter has been known to text me at 2:00 a.m. because she's bored and wants to chat, or because something happened where she is that she knows I will find funny.

 

I've also never seen any evidence that either of them is seriously impaired late at night. They have both spent a lot of time in theatres and have put in a lot of late hours working on shows. It doesn't seem to have done either one any harm.

 

In general, I do not want my kids to believe they are helpless or targets just waiting for victimization unless I keep them "safely" under my wing at all times. Each of them will be going out into the world, and they need to be strong enough to handle whatever they find there. I much prefer they have a chance to practice and make a few minor mistakes while we parents are still close enough to help them manage the fall out, that they have a chance to work those "muscles" of judgement, discretion and navigating tough situations so they get stronger before they have to manage on their own.

 

It reminds me of when my son was little. He was a climber as a toddler, climbed before he walked. And his mission in life was to climb the highest slide or use the biggest piece of play equipment on every playground. It drove my husband crazy, and he'd follow the kid around pulling him off things and trying to re-direct him to "safe" options. Our son would cry, wait until no one was looking, and then head back to the big-kid area.

 

My own response was different. I chose to follow him around the playground, holding out my arms underneath him when he climbed. I figured he was going to do what he was going to do, no matter what we had to say about it. So, he had better learn to do it well and know that I trusted he could handle it (so he wouldn't be nervous). When necessary, I gave instructions about how to do things more safely, and I made rules about only going to certain pieces of equipment when I was with him. But, mostly, he explored and learned and got better and stronger as a result of having more (supervised) freedom to explore.

 

A decade later, I've decided that experience is a pretty decent metophor for parenting through a variety of stages.

[Gentlemommy]

We have had sleepovers here, but so far my kids haven't spent the night with anyone other than family. Both of my older dd's (7 and 4) regularly spend the night at either my moms house or my in laws. Dd1 also spent one night at my best friends house, when dd2 was admitted to the hospital two years ago. (I was my best friends nanny, and we trust their family completely. We've known them since before I had the kids.)

But generally, no, we don't allow our kids to have sleep overs at friends houses, but are willing to host them anytime!

[Word Nerd]

 

 

No fuss. No muss. Either of them can easily and discretely text me and either tell me what's going on or just use the code word. I'll call back so others can hear the phone ring, and then go get him/her.

 

 

A codeword is a really good idea, not just for sleepovers but as my older DD continues to gain more independence and spend more time at games and other activities without me. She already carries a cell phone with her at all times.

[momtoamiracle]

We haven't really gotten to this point yet, my son has only stayed over at my moms house. There are certain people I would let him stay with. People I know a nd trust and who respect my views on things, so I feel they wouldn't allow him to look at porn and such.

 

I slept over at friends houses and loved it. But they were very close friends of my parents as well. When I got to be a teenager tho there were some terrible things happening at the slumber parties so I wasn't allowed to go to them. Somehow my mom found out. Years later one of the girls told me yes, it did happen. I am very grateful my mom protected me and wouldn't allow me to go to those parties. It wasn't an adult doing the molesting, it was other kids.