Date Night...Necessary or Not?

[Dustybug]

A friend of mine and I were having a discussion about whether or not date night is necessary for a marriage to thrive and survive for the long haul.

 

She thinks that it is vital. She and her DH budget for date night at least monthly, even if it means shirking slightly on another bill in order to do it. If they don't have funds, they will send their children off to their rooms for an hour or two and they are not permitted to come out while she and her husband have a picnic out front or play a board game, etc. They just celebrated their 10th anniversary.

 

I think it can be fun and beneficial but isn't completely necessary for a healthy marriage. My DH works long, hard hours on 2nd shift. The only time he is available is in the mornings. Our children are with us 99.9% of the time. We rarely use babysitters because we only know a few people who we trust. DH's family lives nearby but doesn't help out much in that arena (and we don't like to leave the children with them too much for a variety of reasons). We don't have extra in our budget much for outings and when we do, we prefer to take our children with us. We just like being together as a complete family unit. A few years ago, this same friend gave me a hard time because we took our kids with us to celebrate our anniversary (we went hiking at the place where we had our first date). When DH is home, he wants to see his children because he works so much. He isn't going to want to send them off to their rooms, etc. We've had rough spots in our marriage in the beginning, but that had to do with other things aside from a date night. We pulled through and we're stronger than ever now. We get out alone roughly twice a year. We've been married for almost 7 years.

 

What does the Hive think? Are "date nights" vital to the survival of a marriage?

[DawnM]

There are a lot of things our society thinks are vital that we don't do. I am quite sure we are fine without these "vitally important" societal norms.

[spaceman]

I vote yes.

 

We don't short other bills to budget for them though. You could certainly have a free date.

 

And we shoot for every week and have one at least 3 times a month.

 

 

 

But, I'm still young in the marriage game. We've been married 8 years.

[KAR120C]

But fun doesn't have to come in the same form for everyone. I like going out with my husband, but I like working on projects with him too, or cooking a nice dinner together, or watching TV, or talking about a book we're both reading.

 

So I generally agree that time spent with a spouse is an excellent thing, and worth making a priority, I don't think it has to be "date night" in the same way your friend does.

[mom31257]

We've been happily married for 21 years without an established date night.

[Desert Rat]

It depends on the marriage. For mine, we need the time to reconnect, tune everyone else out, and just be together. My parents take the boys for an overnighter. We usually hit antique stores and dinner. It's not really about romance; it's about not having distractions and focusing 100% on each other. We talk a lot! We laugh a lot!

We usually try to do this 3-4 times a year. Our lives are very stressful and busy. We both work. The kids are in at least 3 activities at any given time. We dedicate ourselves to our kids.

When we start bickering and feeling distant, I usually arrange a night with my mom. It's like magic. We're strong and healthy again the next day.

I think we started out really strong. We were married 6 years before we had kids. But our marriage needs some time alone.

[SKL]

No, it's not necessary. In fact, it's rather a new phenomenon. For that matter, so is sleeping in a bed apart from the latest baby. Somehow folks have magically figured it out over the centuries.

[shanvan]

I think whether they are 'vital' or not is going to vary according to many factors--- the personalities of the couple, the season of life they are experiencing, the size of the home and whether or not they can have privacy, the amount of time they spend with kids, etc.

 

When my kids were younger I did not see the need for date night. Now that they are older and life is more hectic, and we have more things, and the house is harder to keep clean, and I am planning and orchestrating so many activities, I am finding date night to be more necessary.

 

I need to get away from the house and all the things in it that remind me of all the things I have to do. If I get out with my Dh it helps me remember he is not just the person who can't remember we have this or that to do, or the curriculum advisor, or the person who threw his clothes in the corner this morning, etc. And, I also need for Dh to see that I am not just the person who plans lessons, provides taxi service, makes appointments, supervises household chores, etc.

 

Oh, yes, we both enjoy a quiet evening away from questions like "where is my bag for dog club, or where did you put....?"

 

It helps us remember who we are beyond the daily grind and I find it more necessary now than ever. That doesn't mean it happens as much as I'd like. :glare:

[Outdoorsy Type]

It's necessary for some couples, and it's not for others. Whatever side you fall on does not make you (general you) better or worse than anyone else.

 

DH and I go out once every month or two. Sometimes more often, sometimes less.

[Heatherwith4]

It is or us. But not weekly, and we don't shirk other bills to go out. We can do cheap things, or intentionally stay up after kids are in bed to watch a movie. We are also blessed that DH "only" works about 50 hrs. a week.

[Dustybug]

I think whether they are 'vital' or not is going to vary according to many factors--- the personalities of the couple, the season of life they are experiencing, the size of the home and whether or not they can have privacy, the amount of time they spend with kids, etc.

 

When my kids were younger I did not see the need for date night. Now that they are older and life is more hectic, and we have more things, and the house is harder to keep clean, and I am planning and orchestrating so many activities, I am finding date night to be more necessary.

 

I need to get away from the house and all the things in it that remind me of all the things I have to do. If I get out with my Dh it helps me remember he is not just the person who can't remember we have this or that to do, or the curriculum advisor, or the person who threw his clothes in the corner this morning, etc. And, I also need for Dh to see that I am not just the person who plans lessons, provides taxi service, makes appointments, supervises household chores, etc.

 

Oh, yes, we both enjoy a quiet evening away from questions like "where is my bag for dog club, or where did you put....?"

 

It helps us remember who we are beyond the daily grind and I find it more necessary now than ever. That doesn't mean it happens as much as I'd like. :glare:

 

Wait! The house gets HARDER to keep clean?!? :blink::scared::svengo:

[Night Elf]

I'm not sure I would say necessary for the survival of a marriage, but they sure are a way to reconnect every so often. Life throws a lot at us and it's very easy to get so caught up in the daily responsibilities that it can be hard to see and nurture an important relationship. When our kids were younger, date night was never more than an hour. The kids could watch tv for that long so if we wanted to just enjoy time alone with a glass of wine, it was fairly easy to do. We still have date night. We love going out to eat, just the two of us, to be in each other's company without an audience. Necessary, no. Beneficial, yes.

[Dustybug]

It's necessary for some couples, and it's not for others. Whatever side you fall on does not make you (general you) better or worse than anyone else.

 

DH and I go out once every month or two. Sometimes more often, sometimes less.

 

See, this I can agree with...that it depends on the couple. I get baffled by the "every couple MUST do this to be happy" line of thought though.

[Kelly1730]

Necessary? No.........nice?, yes:) I'm not sure why your friend is giving you a hard time about this at all. What works in her marriage is not necessarily what will work in your marriage, for a variety of reasons. I have often thought about establishing a regular date night for dh and I but it never really worked out that way. We take advantage of when my mom keeps the kids overnight or when our older dd is home to babysit but it doesn't happen all that often, every couple months or so. Somehow we've managed to be married for going on 32 years without that "vital" scheduled date night.:tongue_smilie:

[Amber in SJ]

I say yes. Date night has saved my sanity often. Deep in the trenches of day to day mothering, I need something to look forward to. We have been married for 22 years.

 

When our children were little date night was less frequent, but we still tried for a weekly date night. We had some "in home" dates, but those were not as successful because the kids were "there." The more successful "in home" dates occurred when we would swap evening playdates with another couple. We would drop off our kids with a treat (home made baked goods) and something fun for the kids to do (movie) and then go home for 2-3 hours for our date. Then we would switch with the other couple & we'd take their kids.

 

Free dates can be found. Take a picnic to a local park. Look for discounts to things at unusual times. Look for free sporting events. Take a long walk.

 

When I thought I didn't want to go on date night, my excuses were many. I was tired, I needed to get the kids' school work ready for tomorrow, the house was a mess, I couldn't leave a sink full of dishes, I couldn't remember the last time I showered, but dh would take me out anyway. It is important that we spend time focused on just each other. It helped me remember that I was not just a milk producing, diaper changing, baby tending machine. It helps us remember that we are still the people who fell madly in love all those years ago.

 

Now our Thursday night, date night is almost sacred (:tongue_smilie:) The kids know that one of the bigs has to be home to watch the littles. The negotiation can be fierce. It has come up at church often when dh refuses to schedule meetings or any activities on Thursday.

 

When the youth at our church were asked to think of marriage role models Dh & I were listed on the top 5 "Most Romantic Marriage" list which is funny because every other couple on the list were newly married and in the cutie-pie stage. I attribute some of this to date night not because the dates are important, but the commitment to keeping our relationship vital and growing is important.

 

Ok, off the date night soapbox, that I didn't even know I had!

 

Amber in SJ

[Embassy]

The actual going away from the home and doing stuff together on a specific night is unnecessary. Spending time together without the kids is important. You can do that a little everyday or on preplanned days of the week. You don't need to send the kids away to do that either. We just use the hours of time after they go to bed. FTR, we have never had a standard date night and we have been very happily married almost 15 years.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think whether they are 'vital' or not is going to vary according to many factors--- the personalities of the couple, the season of life they are experiencing, the size of the home and whether or not they can have privacy, the amount of time they spend with kids, etc.

 

When my kids were younger I did not see the need for date night. Now that they are older and life is more hectic, and we have more things, and the house is harder to keep clean, and I am planning and orchestrating so many activities, I am finding date night to be more necessary.

 

I need to get away from the house and all the things in it that remind me of all the things I have to do. If I get out with my Dh it helps me remember he is not just the person who can't remember we have this or that to do, or the curriculum advisor, or the person who threw his clothes in the corner this morning, etc. And, I also need for Dh to see that I am not just the person who plans lessons, provides taxi service, makes appointments, supervises household chores, etc.

 

Oh, yes, we both enjoy a quiet evening away from questions like "where is my bag for dog club, or where did you put....?"

 

It helps us remember who we are beyond the daily grind and I find it more necessary now than ever. That doesn't mean it happens as much as I'd like. :glare:

 

I agree with this. We do date nights now, but we didn't when our kids were little.

 

The actual going away from the home and doing stuff together on a specific night is unnecessary. Spending time together without the kids is important. You can do that a little everyday or on preplanned days of the week. You don't need to send the kids away to do that either. We just use the hours of time after they go to bed.

 

This becomes much more difficult as kids get older.

[sparrow]

We've been happily married for 18 years with nary a date night. I think it totally depends on the couple and really, their schedules.

 

Evenings have always been *our* time and our kids know that. They know that once they go to bed, they are to stay in bed. Luckily, we never had too much trouble with bedtime. They go in and read, if they're not tired. In the evenings dh and I watch a movie or a series on Netflix. We'll also just surf on our laptops, but we're always in the living room together.

 

Wait! The house gets HARDER to keep clean?!? :blink::scared::svengo:

 

:lol: If you have a whirling dervish mess maker like my daughter, yes.

[shanvan]

See, this I can agree with...that it depends on the couple. I get baffled by the "every couple MUST do this to be happy" line of thought though.

 

I am baffled by it too....same way I am baffled by the implied "if you need a date night there is something wrong with your marriage, you are not a strong person' line of thinking. Different people have different needs. That same holds true for marriages. Others needs are not your needs and vice versa. That about sums it up. :D

[Soror]

Actual date night, no. Time to reconnect with each other, yes. That can be accomplished at all times in many different ways. We rarely have dates and if we do they are often at home and with a child 18 months or under they will be with us. You have to find what works for you and your spouse, schedules, needs, etc. Quite often I delay quiet time until dh gets home so we can have time ourselves and we quite enjoy that. Regular night out doing various things is just not a viable option. Personally, I'm more of a homebody and don't like running that much. I'd much rather, quite often, have that time at home together and go out every once in a while.

[shanvan]

I agree with this. We do date nights now, but we didn't when our kids were little.

 

 

 

This becomes much more difficult as kids get older.

 

:iagree: This is the crux of the problem for us. Kids are older and staying up later. It is not easy to have alone time at our house. That's also where the size of the house come into play. Oh, and sound travels sooo well in our house, too.

[*Lulu*]

The actual going away from the home and doing stuff together on a specific night is unnecessary. Spending time together without the kids is important. You can do that a little everyday or on preplanned days of the week. You don't need to send the kids away to do that either. We just use the hours of time after they go to bed. FTR, we have never had a standard date night and we have been very happily married almost 15 years.

 

:iagree: This is our experience as well, only for the past 12 years, not 15. :001_smile:

 

We will, every few weeks, send the kids to bed 30 min. early and pop in a movie or turn on a show we both enjoy and just relax together. However, the most important connecting we do is not necessarily on our "date night". We have family business meeting weekly, (some parts of the meeting are conducted with the kids but most is just us), we have family game night once a week and DH and I will sometimes come back and play a grudge match of a game once the kids are in bed, and we have about an hour each night between when the last kid is asleep and when DH goes to bed that is all ours.

 

As far as an out of the house, just the two of us date? We have had an average of 2 a year. (If we count all the times we went with a nursing in a sling as well.) :tongue_smilie:

 

People who want to tell you their way of managing a part of thier life is THE way are very tiring to me. Hope you can find a nice way to tell your friend to back up and and whoa with the forceful advice. :grouphug:

[marbel]

I have been criticized roundly by other women for saying that my husband and I don't need a date night every x amount of time. Hate to say it but my Christian friends are the worst.

 

They enjoy predicting the end of my marriage, I think.

 

My husband and I find we go through periods where we are disconnected because of work, studies, whatever. We recognize those periods and know we will get through them. When they are over, we breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy time with each other, one way or another... not necessarily a formal date.

 

We might go out for dinner occasionally, or otherwise out without the kids. We also have time for togetherness after they go to bed at night or when they are out on their own activities. We have some plans for the week in August when both kids will be away at camp!

 

So, for my marriage, date nights are not vital. I think those who find them vital should take them. I can't even dream of shorting a bill to have a date night. Sorry to go all judgmental, but imo that is way more damaging to a marriage than not having a date night. Where are they going that they need to short a bill, anyway? Starbucks is a pretty cheap date.

 

Anytime someone tells me something is vital to my life, I tend to tune them out. ;);) I enjoy learning how other people live, and certainly learn from others, of course. So I might take ideas from someone, but not instruction, kwim? ;)

[Denisemomof4]

Your kids are VERY young. I don't think it is necessary at that age unless one of you thinks it is. It is what YOUR marriage wants and needs are that matters.

 

I will say that dh and I get to go on more dates lately and I am taking advantage of that now because I don't know if it will last. I don't know how things will be when dd9 will become a teen as she has issues. We are LOVING our time alone on date day/night. LOVING it.

[Impish]

For me, yes. Notice I say for ME, not for us.

 

Date night is the one escape I get from the house and kids now that we live in a very small town. There's not even a coffee shop that I could go to, alone, to get a bit of a break. Date night is the only 'out' I have.

 

Our 'date night' usually consists of grabbing something to eat on the way to grocery shop. :lol:

 

Wolf would likely be fine w/out it. We do make a point of alone time at home, so the actual act of going out isn't as vital to him as it is to me.

[Mimm]

I think it's vitally important that a couple spends time alone together regularly. It doesn't have to be terribly often, but one evening a month doesn't sound very unreasonable. It can be as simple as going for a walk around the block without the kids a couple times a week. Something where the couple is able to spend time just being together without the distractions and interruptions of the kids.

[shanvan]

Wait! The house gets HARDER to keep clean?!? :blink::scared::svengo:

 

Well, it doesn't have to. For us it did. Maybe b/c we got a 3rd dog, or b/c we are out for Dc's activities so often, or b/c as they grew we began to acquire more books and more things and less time to deal with them.

 

Right now our house is almost like an episode of clean house b/c we have spent all week on county fair prep. Our time spent at home included pulling out every art and craft supply we could find, packing up what we would take to the fair and leaving no time for cleaning up. Yesterday when we got home lots of things were left right where they fell b/c we were all so tired. There is still dog hair on the floor surrounding the grooming table. I was trying to get laundry done (why did I think that was a good idea:confused:) and I have no clue where Ds left off (one of his jobs). There are piles of books everywhere b/c before fair time I was deciding what to use, what to sell, what to donate. You get the idea. Throughout the school year we will have weeks like this b/c of various 4H projects.

 

So, I don't know if your house will get harder to clean. It will depend on...

 

1. how good you are at getting rid of curriculum and supplies you didn't use and never will (a whole thread on this going on now)

2. how many outside activities you have and how many things you need to keep them going (Dd needed a dog! to continue in 4H dog club--that creates a huge mess)

3. whether or not you are home enough to clean up the mess you have made.

 

And now back to the original question...date nights (and you can see why I might want to run away from my house sometimes :D)

 

[PinkInTheBlue]

Necessary? I don't know if I'd go that far but I do know set-aside alone time as often as possible makes an enormous difference to my relationship; enormous. I believe it's very important to continue to strengthen and build your separate relationship while raising kids. I'm not just a mom. I'm also a woman and individual.

 

I like being able to go out to dinner and the bookstore or whatever when we can. However most of the time our "time" is a closed door after the youngest is in bed.

[Embassy]

Hmm..we normally have 4 hours between bedtime for the oldest (10 pm) and our bedtime. Do most people have less time than this that is kid-free in their day?

 

I work for many of those hours (although I'm in the same room as dh), but we have a couple nights a week where I don't work.

[ksr5377]

I don't think an official date night is important, but I do think that finding time specifically for DH and I to talk and spend time together is essential. Sometimes it's on a date night and sometimes it's just making sure to hang out together after we get all the kids to bed.

[shanvan]

Hmm..we normally have 4 hours between bedtime for the oldest (10 pm) and our bedtime. Do most people have less time than this that is kid-free in their day?

 

I work for many of those hours (although I'm in the same room as dh), but we have a couple nights a week where I don't work.

 

Well, if your oldest goes to bed at 10 and you go to bed at 11pm then that isn't much time. I am really tired at that point anyway, so time spent w/ Dh hubby isn't going to amount to much. As several posters have said, it's going to vary according to many factors.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

We don't have a date night. We have some time talking alone together when he gets home from work, several days each week, and that seems to be very important for us. We just shoo the kids away when we want to talk alone, and they respect that.

 

Mostly we reconnect after the kids go to bed. It's hard because we have a very small house and the teenagers don't obligingly go to sleep at 8pm anymore! But I claim that time for DH and me, several evenings per week, even though the rest of the time we stay very available for our teens to talk to us and spend time together as a family.

 

I don't know, I guess I'm saying we have no real schedules. We talk about our marriage often to make sure we both think we're OK. We try to respect everybody's needs for both togetherness and privacy as desired through the week and not according to a schedule.

 

We look forward to going lots of places together when the kids grow up, basically picking up where we left off when we started raising a family. We were just talking about this last night, making plans.

 

I think we have the basic working-poor marriage arrangement. It's all about the kids and our responsibilities and we're too poor for babysitters and dates, but we purposely stay very connected to each other and take good care of each other. This way of 'doing marriage' is what my parents and grandparents modeled for me, and it's worked in my marriage for 18 years.

Edited July 21, 2012 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Excelsior! Academy]

Marriage can vary through different seasons. We spent a large chunk of our early marriage with dh in college and getting established in his career. This included moving to different locations 2x. During this time we had only little children and were tight financially. We didn't spend any date type activities alone ever for the first 5 years or so of our marriage. Actually in reality it was closer to 12. We grew very distant. For us it was vital to take some time to reconnect. Difficult due to finances and potential babysitting, but vital. Now we didn't delay bills to go to the movies or anything, but we did start trying to get to know one another better. A healthy marriage sets up a foundation for secure children. It may not be needed in every marriage, but any marriage is worth doing whatever it takes to keep it going. For us starting to date was the key.

[Mom22ns]

Having been married for 22 years and having had fewer than 20 "dates" in that time, I think I can safely say that "Date night" is not a critical concept. Now that the kids are older, we are starting to have more time alone again and it is nice. We are working to make sure that we have things in common other than the kids for when they are gone. :001_unsure:

[6packofun]

I vote who cares? Some people will have date nights and swear they keep their marriage together and some people will practically brag about not needing no stinkin' date night! I think that as long as children are not neglected--which is the REALLY important issue--then couples can use whatever tools or words to describe time spent on the relationship alone for a little bit that they want.

 

Date night couples aren't "weaker" or more immature or automatically more selfish for feeling that they need a regular time alone. I find motherhood exhausting, don't feel one bit guilty for that because it's my personality and MY life that is exhausting, LOL. That said, we don't have a date night and I could care less what other couples do as long as they're not taking significant time away from their kiddos. I think this is much more possible to do if your children are in public school, btw, not to bring out the homeschool vs. public school guns here. I just think that logistically, ps and/or working parents have much less time with their kids and have signed on for a busier life that *requires* intentional time WITH the kids, maybe not more time without them. But that doesn't mean a date night is wrong, either.

[KungFuPanda]

The actual going away from the home and doing stuff together on a specific night is unnecessary. Spending time together without the kids is important. You can do that a little everyday or on preplanned days of the week. You don't need to send the kids away to do that either. We just use the hours of time after they go to bed. FTR, we have never had a standard date night and we have been very happily married almost 15 years.

 

 

Do you have teenagers? There is no "hours of time when they go to bed."

 

I think it's necessary for some but not others. Some couples just crave more time to be truly alone with each other than other couples. People need different things, so I wouldn't poo-poo the idea either way. There seems to be an underlying tone that the argument is

 

"If you had a stronger, more mature marriage you wouldn't NEED date night!"

 

"If you had a passionate, more vital marriage you would!"

Edited July 21, 2012 by KungFuPanda

[Kathryn]

There are a lot of things our society thinks are vital that we don't do. I am quite sure we are fine without these "vitally important" societal norms.

 

See, this I can agree with...that it depends on the couple. I get baffled by the "every couple MUST do this to be happy" line of thought though.

 

:iagree: just because some people think they NEED it doesn't mean everyone does. And when you have small children and no helpful family, there's no such thing as a free date. We have drifted apart, but we are still committed to our marriage. If and when we want to spend time together, we do. It doesn't matter that there are children around. Most of the time, we happen to enjoy their company.

[FiveOaksAcademy]

What does the Hive think? Are "date nights" vital to the survival of a marriage?

 

The way you choose to run your marriage, the things that make the two of you happy, the choices you make or choose not to make don't have to match that of anyone around you!!! I have gotten to the point where I have to sit and pray over an issue before I will adopt someone else's family paradigms as my own, even if they sound wonderful and appear to be the be-all end-all. Unless it is a command in scripture, and a clear command that hasn't had someone tweaking some odd verse to make it fit their point, I evaluate it and let God, my husband and myself be the deciders!!

 

We just had our 19th anniversary. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband. We have fun, we live in peace with one another about 90% of the time :D, we have good conversations, just overall a good life together. We go on dates maybe 3 or 4 times a year. We'd like to do it more, but that time will come when our kids are older. It is not THE key to our happiness...I think I'd be worried if it was!!! Our time together will morph and change and sometimes look like one thing and other times it will look like something else. I'd tell her that it sounds like a wonderful thing for her and her husband but that doesn't mean it has to be for you and yours, that you two are very happy with the way you do things now, then say something matter-of-fact to let her know you aren't interested in further comments. :001_smile:

 

BTW, your hiking anniversary sounds like a great time!!

[beaners]

I doubt date night is the determiner of marriage success. My grandparents took care of my siblings and me every Friday night during my childhood, and my parents still divorced while I was in elementary school. My husband and I have been on one "date" in the last 4 years, unless you count that alone time in the labor and delivery room at the hospital. :tongue_smilie:

 

Yes, our children are young, but I've seen plenty examples of healthy marriages that didn't do this. I've also seen good marriages that did. It wouldn't even be on my radar.

[MrsBasil]

I think it depends on the couple.

 

For my husband they are vital and I've grown to like them. He works 14-16 hour days, so when he's home we like to build in some couple time. Our kids are young, so that sometimes is a movie/ game night. Other times we get out of the house, which is nice for me as I don't have a car when he's at work.

 

I have no opionion on what other couples need!

[Soror]

We go to sleep usually at the same time as the kids, so we don't have time alone at night, thus why the afternoon time is nice. I like my time to myself in the am and dh has to get up early for work so that works for us and our schedule.

 

 

I have gotten to the point where I have to sit and pray over an issue before I will adopt someone else's family paradigms as my own, even if they sound wonderful and appear to be the be-all end-all. Unless it is a command in scripture, and a clear command that hasn't had someone tweaking some odd verse to make it fit their point, I evaluate it and let God, my husband and myself be the deciders!!

 

I totally agree with this. I/we will consider something if it seems reasonable(and is of course moral) then we will pray and think but in the end it is our decision. Too many people elevate minor items to be life/death or salvation issues when they are not. It drives me crazy when regular humans are made out to be some kind of god that we all have to follow and do exactly what they say. There is no one, other than God, that knows all the answers about everything. I'm not drinking anyone's cool-aid, if that makes me arrogant, so be it. But we will discern for ourselves and ask God and hope for guidance. There are right and wrong in life but also much that is up to us to choose.

Edited July 21, 2012 by soror

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's necessary for some couples, and it's not for others. Whatever side you fall on does not make you (general you) better or worse than anyone else.

 

 

 

:iagree:

[Dustybug]

The actual going away from the home and doing stuff together on a specific night is unnecessary. Spending time together without the kids is important. You can do that a little everyday or on preplanned days of the week. You don't need to send the kids away to do that either. We just use the hours of time after they go to bed. FTR, we have never had a standard date night and we have been very happily married almost 15 years.

 

We used to do this, but DH now does shift work and is gone from between 1-2PM until 11:30 or later. I try to wait up for him to at least tell him goodnight, but there's no "quality" to that time.

 

I have been criticized roundly by other women for saying that my husband and I don't need a date night every x amount of time. Hate to say it but my Christian friends are the worst.

 

They enjoy predicting the end of my marriage, I think.

 

My husband and I find we go through periods where we are disconnected because of work, studies, whatever. We recognize those periods and know we will get through them. When they are over, we breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy time with each other, one way or another... not necessarily a formal date.

 

We might go out for dinner occasionally, or otherwise out without the kids. We also have time for togetherness after they go to bed at night or when they are out on their own activities. We have some plans for the week in August when both kids will be away at camp!

 

So, for my marriage, date nights are not vital. I think those who find them vital should take them. I can't even dream of shorting a bill to have a date night. Sorry to go all judgmental, but imo that is way more damaging to a marriage than not having a date night. Where are they going that they need to short a bill, anyway? Starbucks is a pretty cheap date.

 

Anytime someone tells me something is vital to my life, I tend to tune them out. ;);) I enjoy learning how other people live, and certainly learn from others, of course. So I might take ideas from someone, but not instruction, kwim? ;)

 

I don't think they short bills extensively, but this family is a lot like mine where there isn't a ton of extra. In our house sometimes even $10 extra is carefully planned for. We don't use or own credit cards and this family only uses theirs in extreme emergencies as they just became completely debt free except for their mortgage.

 

Necessary? I don't know if I'd go that far but I do know set-aside alone time as often as possible makes an enormous difference to my relationship; enormous. I believe it's very important to continue to strengthen and build your separate relationship while raising kids. I'm not just a mom. I'm also a woman and individual.

 

I like being able to go out to dinner and the bookstore or whatever when we can. However most of the time our "time" is a closed door after the youngest is in bed.

 

This makes sense to me.

 

I like your new profile pic btw!

[shanvan]

Do you have teenagers? There is no "hours of time when they go to bed."

 

Yes, I find that people with younger kids who go to bed early often think date night is not necessary and never will be. That's what I thought back when my kids went to bed at 7pm....also embarrassed to say I judged those who thought it was. I knew we would never need it. Ha! That all changed--not that it will for everyone, but it's important to realize we all have different needs at different times, and even our own needs can change. I'm pretty sure I won't think date nights are necessary once my kids are grown and out of the house! And, I'll probably miss all the things that I find so annoying now.

 

I think it's necessary for some but not others. Some couples just crave more time to be truly alone with each other than other couples. People need different things, so I wouldn't poo-poo the idea either way. There seems to be an underlying tone that the argument is

 

"If you had a stronger, more mature marriage you wouldn't NEED date night!"

 

"If you had a passionate, more vital marriage you would!"

 

:iagree: It's necessary for some and not for others. You do what works for you and your family.

 

And :iagree: about the underlying tone. Hopefully, I haven't contributed to either tone. Like another poster mentioned I don't really care if you do or don't find them necessary as long as you are doing what is healthy for your marriage.

[LaxMom]

There are a lot of things our society thinks are vital that we don't do. I am quite sure we are fine without these "vitally important" societal norms.

 

:iagree: As with all things that are very personal and specific to the people involved, it's vitally important only if it's vitally important to the couple.

[Mrs Mungo]

Hmm..we normally have 4 hours between bedtime for the oldest (10 pm) and our bedtime. Do most people have less time than this that is kid-free in their day?

 

I work for many of those hours (although I'm in the same room as dh), but we have a couple nights a week where I don't work.

 

We have teenagers, not young kids. On a typical day, my dh gets up at 5:00 am, comes back home for breakfast, is back to work by 8:00 or 8:30 and gets home at 7 pm. We eat dinner, spend some family time, the kids usually go to bed just before we do. We don't have kid-free time on week-days anymore. That is why I said that it was easier when they were younger. DH typically worked a little less and the kids went to bed sooner.

 

We are working to make sure that we have things in common other than the kids for when they are gone. :001_unsure:

 

This is why we have date nights.

 

 

Back to the thread in general, we did *not* do regular date nights until my eldest was around 14. That was sort of the age when we had to leave the house to discuss anything. If your kids aren't teens, then my experience does not even apply to you yet. when my kids were younger, almost all of our "dates" were work functions.

 

I don't think all of our alone time would be classified as a formal date by most people, either. Once a week we might do lunch, this is partly a working lunch. I do a lot of volunteering that directly involves his job, and we often have details to work out. Once a week we run errands. Once a week we actually do dinner or a grown-up movie or a fun activity. That is the sort of alone time that we get.

 

Editing to clarify: I don't think anything is universally critical to the success of a marriage. But, I do think people should keep their options open where possible.

Edited July 21, 2012 by Mrs Mungo

[happypamama]

My husband and I have been on one "date" in the last 4 years, unless you count that alone time in the labor and delivery room at the hospital. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

I'm telling DH that the two minutes we spent alone together during DS3's birth when the older kids were outside counts as a date. Yes! :001_smile:

 

Seriously, though, the last time DH and I went somewhere, just the two of us, no children, and not even any other couples, was almost six years and two children ago. It *was* nice. It was quiet and fancy and relaxing and pleasant. It was also extraordinarily expensive (New Year's Eve at a fancy restaurant in downtown historic Gettysburg) and totally not necessary to the care and keeping of our marriage. (We did go out to a movie this past winter, but we took the baby with us.)

 

I don't think date night is necessary to every marriage, but I think it's nice for couples to take time to spend together, and not necessarily just for teA. It's nice to have evenings where you watch a grown-up show/movie or chat or play a game without the kids. I can remember my parents feeding us and putting us to bed a little early on Friday nights, and then they'd have a nice dinner and some time together afterwards, even though nights out were very rare for them. I'm sure that all fell apart when we were teens and I got a boyfriend, but I know when I was a tween, they'd still put the littles to bed, and I'd just hang out in my room by myself for a while (which wasn't a big deal; I was happy to read on my own anyway).

[Embassy]

Do you have teenagers? There is no "hours of time when they go to bed."

 

 

No. When I have teenagers we could leave the house at that time, I guess. We don't normally go to bed until 2 so even with teenagers and staying home I think we will have time. I don't expect to allow my teens to stay up till 2 on a regular basis. My oldest goes to bed at 10 right now.

[zenjenn]

I think it is vital that couples spend private time together connecting away from their kids. However, I don't think it has to be out at a restaurant or venue. It can be in your own bedroom talking, watching a movie, playing a game, etc. If the kids are old enough, taking an evening walk together, too.

 

I think the getting away thing is particularly helpful for couples where getting this alone time at home is not practical or if the demands at home are extraordinary and intrusive(disabled children or grandparents at home, etc.) Or even just young kids/babies. I know when my kids were infants/toddlers I appreciated a night AWAY. Now that they are a bit older, I don't feel it is as necessary. They can be off doing their own thing and I/we get our share of peace and quiet.

[Embassy]

We have teenagers, not young kids. On a typical day, my dh gets up at 5:00 am, comes back home for breakfast, is back to work by 8:00 or 8:30 and gets home at 7 pm. We eat dinner, spend some family time, the kids usually go to bed just before we do. We don't have kid-free time on week-days anymore. That is why I said that it was easier when they were younger. DH typically worked a little less and the kids went to bed sooner.

 

 

My dh doesn't go to work until late morning and doesn't come home until the kids are in bed (at least the younger 2).

 

There are so many variables out there. It is nonsensical to me for anyone to state date nights in the standard fashion are necessary. Families and couples are different with different schedules.