Date Night...Necessary or Not?

[Samiam]

I don't think date nights are required for a good marriage, but they are nice. It's all about the phase of life you are in, IMHO. We didnt' have date nights for many years, when our children were very young and we were in the thick of young children. Now that oldest DS is 14, and able to watch our younger ones, who are pretty responsible anyway, for their age, we have left them for 2-3 hours occasionally go just go eat lunch and run a few errands. While I would have never said I needed a date night, wow, it has been refreshing to be with my husband as just a couple, not Mommy and Daddy. We can laugh, be silly, make lewd jokes, etc....just be a couple of adults without having to worry, at the moment, about teaching table manners, helping children cut food, telling people to keep their hands off each other, etc.

[shanvan]

My dh doesn't go to work until late morning and doesn't come home until the kids are in bed (at least the younger 2).

 

There are so many variables out there. It is nonsensical to me for anyone to state date nights in the standard fashion are necessary. Families and couples are different with different schedules.

 

Equally nonsensical to say they are not necessary. Just sayin'

[Lizzie in Ma]

We've been happily married for 21 years without an established date night.

 

Us too.

[Embassy]

Equally nonsensical to say they are not necessary. Just sayin'

 

:iagree:

[shanvan]

:iagree:

:lol: Glad you took that the way I meant it. I was worried I sounded like a smart alec!

[LisaKinVA]

In the 15 years my dh and I have been married, we have *never* had official "date nights." We do make time for each other, though. We "chat" via messenger during the day (not long, simple stuff), we spend an hour or two together in the evenings, weekends bring more "together" time (just spent an hour over breakfast with him talking).

 

While I don't think "date nights" are necessary, I do think making time for each other *is* Even if it means plugging in a DVD (or two) for the kids and you and dh just go into another room to talk.

[*Lulu*]

We have teenagers, not young kids. On a typical day, my dh gets up at 5:00 am, comes back home for breakfast, is back to work by 8:00 or 8:30 and gets home at 7 pm. We eat dinner, spend some family time, the kids usually go to bed just before we do. We don't have kid-free time on week-days anymore. That is why I said that it was easier when they were younger. DH typically worked a little less and the kids went to bed sooner.

 

 

 

This is why we have date nights.

 

 

Back to the thread in general, we did *not* do regular date nights until my eldest was around 14. That was sort of the age when we had to leave the house to discuss anything. If your kids aren't teens, then my experience does not even apply to you yet. when my kids were younger, almost all of our "dates" were work functions.

 

I don't think all of our alone time would be classified as a formal date by most people, either. Once a week we might do lunch, this is partly a working lunch. I do a lot of volunteering that directly involves his job, and we often have details to work out. Once a week we run errands. Once a week we actually do dinner or a grown-up movie or a fun activity. That is the sort of alone time that we get.

 

Editing to clarify: I don't think anything is universally critical to the success of a marriage. But, I do think people should keep their options open where possible.

 

 

I can totally see this as ours get older. Although, since DH and I are homebodies to start with, I can see us trying to find activities that get the kids to go out so we can be alone at home! :tongue_smilie:

[PeacefulChaos]

Oh, boy. I haven't read the replies, but I've seen this topic get a little heated before - for some reason, people can get up in arms about this... hopefully that isn't the case thus far.

Anyway, I don't think date night is necessary. Honestly, the phrase makes me cringe - I just feel like it is way overused.

I think that married couples can make time for each other and talk to each other and not have everything revolve around the kids without designating a 'date night' every month or whatever. I think that some people DO think it is necessary, and whatever floats their boat...

For example, DH and I don't do date nights. We talk to each other all the time and have a very healthy marriage (though I guarantee that there are some people out there -like your friend -who believe this impossible without date night). If we ever are out by ourselves it isn't as a 'date' - maybe there is a movie we wanted to see (currently, Batman and Spiderman are both on the list); occasionally I'll have a doctor's appointment that he needs to drive me to that is just much easier without the kids; etc. We do have dinner and a movie for our anniversary usually. I still cringe at the 'date' term though - we're married, not dating. :lol: We have times when the kids aren't around that we can talk to each other - we don't force them into their rooms and tell them not to come out, but a lot of times when DH gets home from work, the boys are outside playing and Pink is in her room. At night the kids go to bed before we do. On days when DH is off, the kids are usually playing all over the place, etc. There are tons of times when we can be talking or whatever, and yes, we may get interrupted by a kid, but we're ok with that.

We also don't do vacations without the kids - maybe if we had a lot of money and could afford multiple vacations each year we would go away without the kids for a weekend - I don't know because that isn't our situation. :tongue_smilie: As it is now, we have limited funds to do stuff with, and I would MUCH rather use it to have fun as a family - our kids are only with us for a relatively short period of time in comparison, after all - than do something that leaves them out. We take our vacations and weekends to go to GWL, the beach together, family vacations, etc.

Anyway, that is just us. I think that a lot of people have this idea that if they don't do date nights, their kids will move out and then they 'won't know their spouse anymore' - I think that's not the case. I don't think date night is necessary for that - I think communication with your spouse is necessary for that. It isn't like because we don't go out to dinner or something every month our marriage will just fall apart when we don't have any kids in the house - the idea of that just baffles me. Going out on a date doesn't have anything to do with it.

Oh, and we've been married 11 years.

[gardenmom5]

I think it is less about the "date" (though that's certainly nice) and more about regularly spending time as D__ and C___. not mom and dad. we've had time alone where he's not allowed to talk about work, and I don't talk about kids - we talk about "us". as a team. we're just each other becasue *that's* the relationship that continues when the kids eventually grow up and move away.

 

There are many things you can do to spend time together that doesn't require much money. taking a walk, hiking, just going out for ice cream, watching the sunset/sunrise. etc. dh and I recently went to the zoo with no kids. I enjoyed it because I can't just "look at the animals" if dudeling is with me.

[Mrs Mungo]

I can totally see this as ours get older. Although, since DH and I are homebodies to start with, I can see us trying to find activities that get the kids to go out so we can be alone at home! :tongue_smilie:

 

That would be nice. Recently, we had the house to ourselves for a few hours for the first time, ever. The trouble is that they are all in different activities at different times. :tongue_smilie:

 

For example, DH and I don't do date nights. We talk to each other all the time and have a very healthy marriage (though I guarantee that there are some people out there -like your friend -who believe this impossible without date night). If we ever are out by ourselves it isn't as a 'date' - maybe there is a movie we wanted to see (currently, Batman and Spiderman are both on the list); occasionally I'll have a doctor's appointment that he needs to drive me to that is just much easier without the kids; etc. We do have dinner and a movie for our anniversary usually.

 

Sounds to me like you have as many dates as I do, you just don't like calling them that.

 

I still cringe at the 'date' term though - we're married, not dating. :lol: We have times when the kids aren't around that we can talk to each other - we don't force them into their rooms and tell them not to come out, but a lot of times when DH gets home from work, the boys are outside playing and Pink is in her room. At night the kids go to bed before we do. On days when DH is off, the kids are usually playing all over the place, etc. There are tons of times when we can be talking or whatever, and yes, we may get interrupted by a kid, but we're ok with that.

 

This will likely be different when they are teens. People should re-evaluate as needs and circumstances change. That is all I am saying. :)

[PeacefulChaos]

See, this I can agree with...that it depends on the couple. I get baffled by the "every couple MUST do this to be happy" line of thought though.

 

:iagree: with you on this.

I think I come off very against people who believe date nights are necessary - I don't mean to. I really don't care what others do in their marriages - I'm glad if they find what works for them! :)

I do tend to get a little defensive of my position because we know so many people IRL who (like your friend lol) believe that date nights are absolutely necessary, and seem to think that our marriage is/will be a failure without them. I don't think anyone can speak for another couple's marriage in that regard.

[sparrow]

I guess the reason it's not hard for us to have alone time, despite our kids being older, is that dh and I are both night owls. We regularly stay up until 1am. Our kids are typically in their rooms between 9:30-10pm That means we have at least 3 hours every night.

[catz]

Haven't read the responses. I think it totally depends on the couple. If the woman in question, NEEDS that set in stone time to reconnect with her husband, I think it's fine and it's awesome they have a tool that works for their marriage.

 

Most of the time, my DH and I get a date night a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less. It depends what activities are going on for the kids and what their grandparents schedules look like. We usually get no reprieve for a couple months in the winter when they're out of town. YMMV! We got 2 date nights this month (so far!) :D

[Mommyof4ks]

I don't know if it is vital, but it sure is fun. :001_smile: Dh and I try to go out without the kids (any outing without kids is a date for us lol) a couple of times a month. Of course we just started dance lessons, so now we have a built in activity weekly. In the past we have built things together, remodeled the house together, and so on. I think the important thing is just spending time together, and that is something that so many couples do not do in today's society. Both parents work, the kids have activities every night, and couples have their own hobbies and friends that keep them apart, so for some people dates are the only alone time they have. I know several couples like that, so it depends on your lifestyle.

[Julie in CA]

Hmm..we normally have 4 hours between bedtime for the oldest (10 pm) and our bedtime. Do most people have less time than this that is kid-free in their day?

 

Wait, do you mean that your routine is that the oldest goes to bed at 10 p.m. and then you have 4 more hours? So...you normally go to bed at 2 a.m.? :001_huh:

[Embassy]

Wait, do you mean that your routine is that the oldest goes to bed at 10 p.m. and then you have 4 more hours? So...you normally go to bed at 2 a.m.? :001_huh:

 

Yes, that is our normal schedule.:tongue_smilie:

[Julie in CA]

Yes, that is our normal schedule.:tongue_smilie:

Uh...yeah, then I guess I would say that most couples have less time sans children than you do. ;)

[Dustybug]

Uh...yeah, then I guess I would say that most couples have less time sans children than you do. ;)

 

:iagree:

 

We have virtually no kid-free time since my DH works 2nd shift.

[JustGin]

We're approaching our 29th anniversary and I say YES! Doesn't have to be an evening, doesn't have to cost, but it must be time it's just the two of us. In our relational value system, our marriage comes first. Of course we love our children, of course we spend as much time as we can with them, but...in just a few short years they will go on to live their own lives and we will still have (Lord willing) 30-50 more years together. That's a lot of life still to go that doesn't revolve directly around the children. We don't want to wave bye-bye to the last child as he heads off into his future only to turn to each other and suddenly realize we are strangers IYKWIM. Relationships thrive on intimacy and that's pretty hard to accomplish without focused alone time. :)

Side note: I think when we make taking care of "us" as a couple a priority we also modal a healthy marriage to the children.

[LuvToRead]

Hmm..we normally have 4 hours between bedtime for the oldest (10 pm) and our bedtime. Do most people have less time than this that is kid-free in their day?

 

.

 

We usually don't have any kid free time. DH gets up at 4, and some days he doesn't get home from work until 7, or even as late as 9. (I do have to admit, because of the drought, this has drastically changed) He has a physically demanding job, so he is worn out when he gets home. Generally, he falls asleep on the couch before the girls go to bed.

 

We may go out 2 times a year, and it is just to eat. I can recall one movie we've seen together, alone, since becoming parents. We have been able to go away for 4 weekends in the last 10 years.

 

I don't think dates are vital, but they are nice.

[Embassy]

Uh...yeah, then I guess I would say that most couples have less time sans children than you do. ;)

 

Interesting...that would make my friend's comment make sense now. She was amazed that the only kid-free time we had was after the kids went to bed. It didn't seem lacking to me.

[proverbs356lady]

My dh and I have been happily married for 27 years and we've never had an established "date night". Some years we only got out 2-3 times a year. Now that the kids are older we have more free time together. It never bothered us and we always enjoyed the time with our children. So, for us, it hasn't been necessary.

 

As a side note, we usually ate dinners together as a family. After dinner, the kids often went off to play and dh and I would chat for a while. I think it's important to have time to communicate with each other.

[Nestof3]

I would say each couple has to decide how vital it is for them. It seems it is vital for your friends and not vital for you and your husband.

 

Vital for us? I like them. I'll never give up the chance to eat good food away from home. I sure do like going out.

 

I think it really is as simple as the fact that everyone is different. I know moms who don't enjoy alone time or feel they need it. Eh, different strokes for different folks.

 

Since my husband already had a child when I came into his life, we rarely had time alone. I came home from our honeymoon with an 8 year old waiting in the living room. I am the sort of person who would have really enjoyed a honeymoon phase. I am also an introvert who needs a lot of alone time.

Edited July 21, 2012 by nestof3

[Julie in CA]

Interesting...that would make my friend's comment make sense now. She was amazed that the only kid-free time we had was after the kids went to bed. It didn't seem lacking to me.

That would make more sense. I think most people probably go to bed considerably earlier than 2 a.m., and many probably go to bed at 10 or 11 p.m., leaving only an hour at most if the kids go to bed at 10 p.m.

[whitestavern]

I vote yes. There is nothing more important to dh and I than our marriage. We don't always go out of the house for financial reasons, but at least monthly we put the kids to bed early (or at least reading in their rooms) and make a nice dinner for ourselves. Sometimes we watch a movie. Sometimes we just go for a nice long walk.

 

Our dc are at an age where we feel comfortable leaving them so that helps as far as not adding a babysitter bill to the cost of an evening out.

[sassenach]

It's vital for my marriage. I have no opinion on other people's marriages. I would NOT skip a bill to spend money on a date. It's not hard to do a free date. Walk through a bookstore- free and fun.

[sassenach]

That would be nice. Recently, we had the house to ourselves for a few hours for the first time, ever. The trouble is that they are all in different activities at different times. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

We found ourselves alone at home for the first time in years recently. I gotta say, tea on the couch is a nice change.

[CyndiLJ]

You know, for hundreds of years there was no such thing as "Date Night" nor a necessity for it. For hundreds of years people lived in one room, and there was no necessity for 2000 sq.ft. homes. For hundreds of years parents slept with children, children slept in multiples in one bed. For hundreds of years families rarely took a vacation. For hundreds of years families homeschooled :D

 

We have been married 26 years, quite happily, without Date Night. I am not saying it isn't perhaps a good idea, but more important is the need to carve out time to catch up, to listen to one another, to talk about what is going on. For us, that has happened when we tell them honestly "Leave mom and dad alone for awhile, go play, we need to talk." and we do it when it is not a big issue on the table, but when we have had little time to connect. We go out maybe once a year without the kids. Now that they are getting a little older, we sometimes have an hour here or there with the house empty, but not all that often.

 

What our 21st century minds see as "necessity" is really more a heartfelt desire than a true necessity. That's OK too! But sometimes I think it can lead to dissatisfaction with the way our lives are, when we read about others who are able to have such "necessities" regularly. We forget that all of us were created differently, and we also forget that we live in an era when we are privileged to be able to make something a necessity that once would have been a delightful treat.

 

Cindy

[Caroline]

I don't think date night is necessary, but it's a lot of fun.

[Joani]

I don't think date night is necessary, but it's a lot of fun.

:iagree: We have a weekly date night right now, but it's certainly not necessary. We have three kids who are old enough to babysit, so going out one evening per week isn't hurting our budget and it's not a big hassle. If it were, we wouldn't go out nearly as much.

[In the Rain]

If you and your dh are happy with the arrangement you have, don't worry about what your friend thinks. When my kids were younger, I preferred the hours at home after they were in bed to time out of the house. It was easier for me to relax knowing they were asleep, rather than wondering what was going on and what kind of fall-out there would be the following day. My dh has always wanted "date night" out. Because it was important to him, we traded date night child care with friends.

 

We moved cross-country and lost our regular date night trading friends. Now he loves to play cards at Dairy Queen while the kids are at Wednesday night church activities. :lol: Ice cream, cards, the undivided attention of his wife- he's a happy camper. :lol:

 

ETA: We occasionally have nicer dates too. That is just a weekly time together he really looks forward to.

[LittleIzumi]

I think it helps a lot, but it's not necessary. We didn't go on dates for years (too busy),a nd now we go out sometimes and it's wonderful and fun, but we did make it through the no-date years just fine.

[fraidycat]

This reminds me of the "hard work" post. No, date night (out of the house, spending money) is not necessary. Being intentional in your thoughts and actions toward your spouse is. Uninterrupted, alone time is very nice and beneficial, but that can happen after the kids are in bed, before they are up in the morning, or in the middle of a weekend afternoon they are sent to another room apart from you with explicit Red, White & Blue** rules, or however you can make it work as a couple.

 

**Red, White, & Blue = Blood, Bones, Breathing. If someone is not bleeding, no broken bones are sticking out anywhere, or nobody's lips are blue then Do Not Interrupt.

[Catwoman]

There are a lot of things our society thinks are vital that we don't do. I am quite sure we are fine without these "vitally important" societal norms.

 

:iagree:

[angela in ohio]

No. There have been seasons where we had date nights and seasons where we haven't, and it hasn't affected our marriage one way or the other. When dc were little, we didn't leave them with sitters, so dh and I would date *every* evening in our home. Now we are busier and there are bigger people around, so we go out for dates. It works out the same way.

[Alice]

For some marriages, yes. For some, no. Meaning that every marriage is different and the things that are essential to make marriage work vary from couple to couple.

 

For your friend, it sounds like yes. For you, it sounds like no. For us, it’s more fun and we enjoy it but I wouldn’t say it’s essential to have a “date night”. It is essential for us to have some kind of time to connect alone, even if that’s just talking in bed at night or chatting early in the morning. I also don’t feel like the only time we connect as a couple is when the kids aren’t around. We can all be together and enjoy time as a family and have that strengthen our marriage.

[acablue]

It's not necessary for us, but it could be for some people. We play in a basketball league one night a week in the winter, and our kids go to bed around 8:30, so we don't feel like we need to have real "dates" to spend quality time together.

[laundrycrisis]

What does the Hive think? Are "date nights" vital to the survival of a marriage?

 

I sure hope not because they are not even an option for DH and I yet. We have no local family, a child with special behavioral needs that make it next to impossible for us to just hire some sitter we don't know, makes teen sitters a no-go, and our friends have their own kids to deal with and we know ours is a handful, so we won't ask them for that. Plus they would never want to swap with us, because they all have local family to provide them with date-night sitting. We are lucky to get a date night once a year when my mom visits from out of state.

[Plucky]

It was vital for my marriage and my dh works a ton. When we were broke and didn't use babysitters (I was very picky) we would put the kids to bed or rent a long movie for them. We need time just together for a variety of reasons - to reconnect, to recharge from the kids etc. Now we go on dates about 1-2 times a month usually at lunch.

 

I think that some people don't need dates, but that's okay, too. Really we are all different and so are our marriages. :)