BeckyFL Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) We don't have tons of money and we have a vacation scheduled for the end of this month to take ds snowboarding. Dh knows I am a bit stressed about the money and he also knows I don't like to spend money on things unless we have the money AND can get a good deal. Tonight he came home and had ds help him (he doesn't use the computer) buy something online secretly. I told him not to forget that we are going on vacation and I hope he's not spending money, etc etc etc. He said he wanted to get my daughter and I something nice for Valentine's Day. It was supposed to be a secret, but I got the email confirmation (since it came to my email address) and it was almost $70 for roses, a teddy bear and a small box of chocolates. It looks like it might have been advertised for $39.99 (I've heard the ads on talk radio) but then they added charges. I'm kind of wishing we could cancel this. On one hand, I'm thinking it was a nice gesture and I should just keep my mouth shut. On the other hand, I'm thinking that if you really want to give someone something, shouldn't it be something that they would want or at least feel good about? He also knows ds and I will be out of town Tues-Fri for lab intensives this week, so even if they come Monday I won't be able to enjoy them. Still, it was a nice thought. I just feel a little sick about that much money. Anyone want to chime in here? Edited February 11, 2012 by BeckyFL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pqr Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Leave it be. Husbands (and I am speaking as one) sometimes misread wives or try to do something that falls flat. You can either make him feel bad and at the same time make yourself feel guilty or simply leave it be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Leave it be. Husbands (and I am speaking as one) sometimes misread wives or try to do something that falls flat. You can either make him feel bad and at the same time make yourself feel guilty or simply leave it be. :iagree:100%. Unless it gets in the way of food & shelter, leave it be. Let him have the pleasure of treating you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 The first such things from Hubby, I said thank you, but please not again. The second one, was thank you but not again. The third was take it back or give it to someone else. He never did that again. After this long, if your husband is impulsive enough or dense enough to do this, I don't think correcting the situation is going to sink in. Sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 That kind of thing infuriates me, but I agree that you should not say anything now. I think it will just make things worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coffeetime Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Unless it gets in the way of food & shelter, leave it be. Let him have the pleasure of treating you. :iagree: He loves you and wanted to do something sweet. Don't ruin it for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 :iagree:100%. Unless it gets in the way of food & shelter, leave it be. Let him have the pleasure of treating you. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 :iagree: He loves you and wanted to do something sweet. Don't ruin it for him. He is also setting a good example for your ds on how to treat his mother (and some day in the future, his wife) on holidays. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Rip him a new one :D Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rtcrmine Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I'd feel the exact same as you. That being said I wouldn't ruin it for him. As a man he needs to do this for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Don't be a spoil sport. He wanted to suprise you. Act surprised. Say thank you. Mean it. And then move on. I assume the man earns money? So let him spend it on you. It makes him happy to be good to his girls. Don't ruin it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I'd feel the exact same as you. That being said I wouldn't ruin it for him. As a man he needs to do this for you. No he doesn't. A man ought to respect his wife's feelings, and not disregard them. Suppressing ones true reactions to such actions and pretending one is pleased (when it is the opposite of the truth) is mentally unheathful and is living a lie. Find your voice. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 If my DH sent me flowers I would be so overjoyed even if it was expensive. I can count the gift from DH on hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 No he doesn't. A man ought to respect his wife's feelings, and not disregard them. Suppressing ones true reactions to such actions and pretending one is pleased (when it is the opposite of the truth) is mentally unheathful and is living a lie. Find your voice. Bill I don't think people are telling her to suppress her feelings but are rather saying that there is a broader perspective of looking at his intent to celebrate his wife and daughter. Of course, if his generosity is at the expense of being able to provide food and shelter then he needs to curb it. But generosity can have a healthy place in a marriage ( as well as other relationships). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I don't think people are telling her to suppress her feelings but are rather saying that there is a broader perspective of looking at his intent to celebrate his wife and daughter. Of course, if his generosity is at the expense of being able to provide food and shelter then he needs to curb it. But generosity can have a healthy place in a marriage ( as well as other relationships). Causing stress on a partner by spending money that is in short supply frivolously and against that partner's wishes is not my idea of generosity. People most certainly are telling her to bury her feelings and not to say anything. Not me. If you want to celebrate people you follow their wishes and respect their feelings. That's what I think anyway. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 If you want to celebrate people you follow their wishes and respect their feelings. That's what I think anyway. :iagree: :iagree:But this isn't a new bride. By the list of children, she's known this fellow for awhile (;)). I'd save my steam for truly expensive indulgences. I got lucky in that hubby is only cavalier with his own money, not mine. Now that only I work, he is much more in control of the buying-women-presents urge. (But I do believe my mother got more flowers from him than all other males put together, and he only knew her the last 5 years of her life.) But I do feel the "do unto others" patter should be "do unto others as they desire to you do unto them". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Rip him a new one :D Bill I agree, but gently. I'd wait until we were away, and bring the dead roses to eat for dinner. ;) I have said it stinks that I handle all our finances because it totaly killed the romance bit in my dh. But, being solvent is a lot more important to our partnership than me feeling like a pursued young woman. And, he knows that clearly at this point, just by some frank discussion. (Though, not right at the moment that he gave a frivolous gift. Later, always l-a-t-e-r.) FTR, this year, we got each other a new ladder for Valentine's Day. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Gifts are to be taken thankfully. I'm sorry I don't see the need to complain especially right now when there are people who are barely feeding their family due to job losses and such. So many women who either have lost their husbands or simply don't have one would be grateful. I am not in any way trying to sound mean or anything but I just don't see this as a reason to complain or get angry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Leave it be. Husbands (and I am speaking as one) sometimes misread wives or try to do something that falls flat. You can either make him feel bad and at the same time make yourself feel guilty or simply leave it be. :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Personally, I'd cancel the order and take him to Target on Saturday to buy roses, chocolate and a teddy bear to enjoy over the weekend. With the other $30-40 I'd get him a treat too. But my dh is a bargain hunter and would be pleased to get the same stuff at half the price, your results may vary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) For pete's sake, be gracious and thank him. How would you like it if you wanted to give someone a nice gift and they said they didn't want it? Talk about rejection. There's a line between expressing your wishes and being witchy. Really, is it going to break you? Does he do this all the time? Otoh, go ahead and pitch one. Maybe next year he'll get some flowers for someone else. Edited February 11, 2012 by Remudamom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I wouldn't say anything now. Accept the gift and try to enjoy it. BUT, the next time a gift giving opportunity comes up and you would prefer he not spend the money, sit down with him and discuss it. Make sure he knows you mean it and aren't being coy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Thank him, kiss him, act surprised...then send them to me, because I know I'm not getting anything for Valentine's Day and miss getting flowers :) Seriously, don't ruin this for him. He loves you. Maybe he found a way to make a wee bit extra to spend on you or has rebudgeted a few things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) We don't have tons of money and we have a vacation scheduled for the end of this month to take ds snowboarding. Dh knows I am a bit stressed about the money and he also knows I don't like to spend money on things unless we have the money AND can get a good deal. Tonight he came home and had ds help him (he doesn't use the computer) buy something online secretly. I told him not to forget that we are going on vacation and I hope he's not spending money, etc etc etc. He said he wanted to get my daughter and I something nice for Valentine's Day. It was supposed to be a secret, but I got the email confirmation (since it came to my email address) and it was almost $70 for roses, a teddy bear and a small box of chocolates. It looks like it might have been advertised for $39.99 (I've heard the ads on talk radio) but then they added charges. I'm kind of wishing we could cancel this. On one hand, I'm thinking it was a nice gesture and I should just keep my mouth shut. On the other hand, I'm thinking that if you really want to give someone something, shouldn't it be something that they would want or at least feel good about? He also knows ds and I will be out of town Tues-Fri for lab intensives this week, so even if they come Monday I won't be able to enjoy them. Still, it was a nice thought. I just feel a little sick about that much money. Anyone want to chime in here? I have questions before I can answer. :D Does he usually get you and your DD something for Valentine's? Will your DD be home on Valentine's to enjoy the gift/flowers even if you are not? If so, I would let it go. I would also let it go if he has a history of lovely gestures on Valentine's Day, because this would be considered something that would fall within your normal purchasing pattern, not an extra thing he did even though you were concerned about money. If he never really makes grand gestures for Valentine's Day and this was a first time, it's a tricky situation because it is sweet, somehow thoughtful and thoughtless at the same time, poor guy. I would personally be most upset at the idea of the flowers arriving just as I leave (or even after) and what a waste that would be. And yes, I would be perturbed if he didn't seem to have been listening to my money worries. I tend to agree with the idea of respecting the recipient's wishes as being the best definition of generosity. Here, DH knows that I appreciate flowers very much but, at my request, he only buys them on my birthday and our anniversary because the prices are so ridiculously inflated at Valentine's Day and Mother's Day. That said, I don't know how I would proceed if I were you in this situation. I would probably mention that I'm so sorry but I got the e-mail and how incredibly sweet and thoughtful it was but Sweetie, Honey, do you remember that I'm going to be out of town and how sad I won't be here to enjoy the flowers... See if he wants to cancel. On the other hand, is it even possible to cancel? You might want to investigate that before thinking about it any further. If you can't cancel, no way would I bring it up! ETA: I had DH read the thread and he said he thinks you should let it go. And furthermore, he says he is buying me flowers on Valentine's and has always wanted to, price increase be darned! :lol: Edited February 11, 2012 by Alte Veste Academy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicAnn Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 For pete's sake, be gracious and thank him. How would you like it if you wanted to give someone a nice gift and they said they didn't want it? Talk about rejection. There's a line between expressing your wishes and being witchy. Really, is it going to break you? Does he do this all the time? Otoh, go ahead and pitch one. Maybe next year he'll get some flowers for someone else. Agreed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Causing stress on a partner by spending money that is in short supply frivolously and against that partner's wishes is not my idea of generosity. People most certainly are telling her to bury her feelings and not to say anything. Not me. If you want to celebrate people you follow their wishes and respect their feelings. That's what I think anyway. Bill But frivolous is in the eye of the beholder. I understand money stress. I also handle all the finances in our family. I've learned to tell dh before holidays and whenever he gets that shopping gleam in his eye "This is how much money we have to spend on anything extra right now." (And I would subtract how much was needed for the trip before I told him the amount.) Other than that, I've learned to lighten up on the "frivolous" aspect because even if it isn't always the best value monetarily, it can be investing in the relationship. And I don't mean that dh is investing in me, because I'm more tight with the money and do worry. I mean that giving him enjoyment in gift giving is investing in HIM. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Speaking as someone who's DH forgets Valentine's Day and birthdays- take it with a smile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I mean that giving him enjoyment in gift giving is investing in HIM. :iagree: Imho, Jean is right-on here. I've learned after 20 years together, that I can do great damage in taking the joy away from my dh when HE wants to invest in me by surprising me. It's not fair to him. I also agree with a pp that he is teaching your son how to show love to the women in his life. Now, if you are in extreme financial straights (this will cost food & shelter as another said), then I would gently explain to him AFTER you have graciously accepted the gift that while you love his sentiments, there are financial worries and responsibilities that need to occur first. This could also be explained to your son as well. It could create a great family discussion of free ways to show love - make things, write letters or poems, do things for each other that are above and beyond the norm... If you have been financially tight for a long time, dh may be frustrated with that and just want to buy you something because he feels you and dd deserve it. He may not care anymore and feel a sacrifice can be made in another area because he wants so much to show his love. Gently discuss this with him because his feelings need to be validated in this as well. We don't celebrate Valentine's day here as dh announced when we were dating that he believes it's a materialistic, retailer-created holiday and he should show me his love all the time, not just for one day of the year. Enjoy your surprise! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) How is it showing love if you disrespect your partners wishes and cause them stress? It is teaching a boy a lesson. The wrong lesson. If the gift is for the man's pleasure it is not an unselfish act. You want to raise selfish boys? This is the way to do it. Bill Edited February 11, 2012 by Spy Car Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 People show love in different ways. Put him before yourself. It's a good investment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 :iagree:100%. Unless it gets in the way of food & shelter, leave it be. Let him have the pleasure of treating you. Yes, this. DH and I have not been able to afford to exchange gifts for Valentine's Day, Christmas, our birthdays, or our anniversary for the past several years, and he, in particular, likes giving gifts. Let your DH treat you, and enjoy it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 How is it showing love if you disrespect your partners wishes and cause them stress? It is teaching a boy a lesson. The wrong lesson. If the gift is form the man's pleasure it is not an unselfish act. You want to raise selfish boys? This is the way to do it. Bill But Bill, partner's wishes go both ways. Stress can go both ways. To me, the stated intent of wanting to get something nice for his wife and daughter is a good wish. I doubt his wish is to get something that she hates. Yes, if she is allergic to flowers and chocolate, then getting them would be rather thoughtless. But not getting the best deal, in and of itself, isn't thoughtless UNLESS he knew that he had only $X to play with and that only. Simply knowing that money is "tight" isn't enough. At least it isn't for my dh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Personally, I'd cancel the order and take him to Target on Saturday to buy roses, chocolate and a teddy bear to enjoy over the weekend. With the other $30-40 I'd get him a treat too. But my dh is a bargain hunter and would be pleased to get the same stuff at half the price, your results may vary. If my husband did that to me, canceled an order, it would really hurt my feelings. Big time. We're not talking about someone spending hundreds on an extravagance. People need to be grateful the gifts, especially when they obviously come from the heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyh Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Although it may cause you some stress, it also is his way of showing love. Some people's love language is gift giving. Don't take that from him. I feel the same way about spending money... and dh knows it. Although sometimes he respects that/ or understands where I am at, other times he does spend (IMO) frivolously and I work to smile and enjoy his generosity. If not I would be stealing his joy of showing me love in the way that he likes to show love. (Not to say he doesn't show me love in other ways) Enjoy it. Be grateful. Think about how happy he was to provide something for you instead of looking at it as $ signs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zoo Keeper Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 We don't celebrate Valentine's day here as dh announced when we were dating that he believes it's a materialistic, retailer-created holiday and he should show me his love all the time, not just for one day of the year. Enjoy your surprise! :) Did our husbands read the same book or something? :lol: Every year I hear about how it is sooo outrageous that flowers cost twice as much on one day of the year....and how he won't be another lemming going off the cliff... FTR, I do get treated well on our wedding anniversary. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 But Bill, partner's wishes go both ways. Stress can go both ways. To me, the stated intent of wanting to get something nice for his wife and daughter is a good wish. I doubt his wish is to get something that she hates. Yes, if she is allergic to flowers and chocolate, then getting them would be rather thoughtless. But not getting the best deal, in and of itself, isn't thoughtless UNLESS he knew that he had only $X to play with and that only. Simply knowing that money is "tight" isn't enough. At least it isn't for my dh. But Jean, there are plenty of thoughtful ways to show love and affection other than spending money on flowers that she won't be around to enjoy (at inflated prices no less) or on Teddy bears, or other items the wife does not value. I think gift-giving ought to be about making the recipient feel good rather than satisfying ones own desires. Otherwise its really not a selfless act, yes? Better to be thoughtful. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 DH got me I diamond earrings several years ago and we din't really have the extra to spend on them. I already had a pair the exact same size! I told him it was a waste of money and he knew I was not happy. He hadn't put any thought into what I might actually like. In fact, I don't even like diamond earrings. If I had found out about it before he bought them I would have made him cancel the order, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 But Jean, there are plenty of thoughtful ways to show love and affection other than spending money on flowers that she won't be around to enjoy (at inflated prices no less) or on Teddy bears, or other items the wife does not value. I think gift-giving ought to be about making the recipient feel good rather than satisfying ones own desires. Otherwise its really not a selfless act, yes? Better to be thoughtful. Bill Yes, I agree. But some people do not have that much imagination. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Yes, I agree. But some people do not have that much imagination. But isn't this a big part of the problem? Thoughtless and unimaginative gifts are not the way to honor a spouse. I'm sure you agree. If the OP was a woman who lived to get Teddy bears and flowers every year it would be a different story. Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 But Jean, there are plenty of thoughtful ways to show love and affection other than spending money on flowers that she won't be around to enjoy (at inflated prices no less) or on Teddy bears, or other items the wife does not value. I think gift-giving ought to be about making the recipient feel good rather than satisfying ones own desires. Otherwise its really not a selfless act, yes? Better to be thoughtful. Bill Do you really think he bought the flowers to be selfish? I'm sure he thinks he is making his wife happy. Not all gifts are a hit. It is the thought that counts and I'm sure this guy thinks he is doing the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 But isn't this a big part of the problem? Thoughtless and unimaginative gifts are not the way to honor a spouse. I'm sure you agree. If the OP was a woman who lived to get Teddy bears and flowers every year it would be a different story. Bill But see, if I were to make "imaginative" a requirement on gifts from my particular spouse, then he would give up. He just does not have the imaginative gene. I am jealous when I hear of very imaginative and creative men! For me, it's part of accepting the person I married. I think there is a certain validity to "it's the thought that counts" but that thought is in wanting to honor his wife, not in how imaginative the thought is! Of course, I don't know the OP and her husband. Perhaps he is much more imaginative than my husband and this is a cop out for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 People always say it's the thought that counts but I don't feel that always applies 100% as stated. I feel that what counts most is that someone has given thought, from my perspective, as to what I would like to receive, not what the giver would like to give regardless of the recipient's feelings. But other people feel differently and that's the disconnect. When I am buying a gift for someone, I don't think about what I like or what most people would like. I think about what they like. To me, that is the thought that counts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 I'd be mad if my spouse had the "doesnotlistentome" gene. Exactly my issue with this scenario. (But I still feel I need answers about the history of Valentine's gift giving in the OP's family before I give a firm opinion in this particular case. We don't know that she doesn't usually love flowers and candy. And the bear might be for the DD who, as far as we all know, might have a massive teddy bear collection. :lol:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 No he doesn't. A man ought to respect his wife's feelings, and not disregard them. Suppressing ones true reactions to such actions and pretending one is pleased (when it is the opposite of the truth) is mentally unheathful and is living a lie. Find your voice. Bill Causing stress on a partner by spending money that is in short supply frivolously and against that partner's wishes is not my idea of generosity. People most certainly are telling her to bury her feelings and not to say anything. Not me. If you want to celebrate people you follow their wishes and respect their feelings. That's what I think anyway.Bill How is it showing love if you disrespect your partners wishes and cause them stress? It is teaching a boy a lesson. The wrong lesson.If the gift is for the man's pleasure it is not an unselfish act. You want to raise selfish boys? This is the way to do it. Bill But Jean, there are plenty of thoughtful ways to show love and affection other than spending money on flowers that she won't be around to enjoy (at inflated prices no less) or on Teddy bears, or other items the wife does not value. I think gift-giving ought to be about making the recipient feel good rather than satisfying ones own desires. Otherwise its really not a selfless act, yes? Better to be thoughtful.Bill Bolded mine, but :iagree: 100% If dh did that, I would be the one who would be miserable and resentful, and that wouldn't do either of us any good. I would much rather him cook a nice dinner for me, or do something special w/ dd than spend money on frivolous things. And Bill, I :001_wub: the way you think! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 He may not have the imaginative gene, but I'd be mad if my spouse had the "doesnotlistentome" gene. If I tell my husband I'm concerned about finances and to please be careful with the money then I would consider it rather inconsiderate of him. If it was just one of these things where I don't ever spend money on myself (not that money is an issue) then ok. That is something else. In my marriage I need to be more specific than "please be careful with the money". My dh thinks he's being careful with money when I think he's being extravagant. He's not trying to ignore me or anything. It's just that "being careful" is an open-ended concept which means different things to different people. (It's the same way when a friend will say "I'm so broke" and then shows me the new outfit that they plan to buy.) I agree that thoughtfulness is good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twinmami01 Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 :iagree: He loves you and wanted to do something sweet. Don't ruin it for him. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 To me, there are separate issues. The first issue is that she didn't want him to spend money and said so when he was on the computer actively making the purchase. So basically he did it while she was saying please don't do it. The second issue is the fact that she's leaving town. It makes the purchase of flowers seem ill-timed, to say the least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 In my marriage I need to be more specific than "please be careful with the money". My dh thinks he's being careful with money when I think he's being extravagant. He's not trying to ignore me or anything. It's just that "being careful" is an open-ended concept which means different things to different people. (It's the same way when a friend will say "I'm so broke" and then shows me the new outfit that they plan to buy.) I agree that thoughtfulness is good! Same here... To dh, if I say it's a little tighter than normal, he'll ask on anything over about $100.... any less, he's still going to buy.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KS_ Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 But Jean, there are plenty of thoughtful ways to show love and affection other than spending money on flowers that she won't be around to enjoy (at inflated prices no less) or on Teddy bears, or other items the wife does not value. I think gift-giving ought to be about making the recipient feel good rather than satisfying ones own desires. Otherwise its really not a selfless act, yes? Better to be thoughtful. Bill I'm agreeing with Bill. Dh used to try to buy me gifts, because he's the type that shows his love that way, but they'd often be things, that while very thoughtful, were not something I really wanted, or felt was worth the money. And we talked about it, and now don't generally surprise each other with gifts for holidays. We do sometimes buy each other a specific gift, but usually with the other person helping choose (for instance, I bought dh a new gas tank for his truck, but he had to help order it so I made sure to get the right one, or he bought me a necklace, but I was there and agreed that I did like it and it was something I would wear). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Do you really think he bought the flowers to be selfish? I'm sure he thinks he is making his wife happy. Not all gifts are a hit. It is the thought that counts and I'm sure this guy thinks he is doing the right thing. I have been given a gift which I think the giver chose because of the "high" obtained from getting the gift. I had very little to do with it. I'm sure he thinks it is the "right" thing, but the reason he thinks it "right" could be "selfish" (I'm keeping up with Harry at work, I'm thinking I'm a great guy for doing this, Wow, look at this neat-o website .... and look what I can do all for a click of the button, etc) Some people has a bad habit of spending money for entertainment. Perhaps the OP has just seen too much of this to appreciate the gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.