Help with a pretty big dilemma?

[cloversandlions]

I know I'm pretty new here, but I am really bowled over by how many amazing and thoughtful parents are here. I love it!

 

...so I hope you all won't mind with helping me think through this dilemma.

 

My MIL was dx'd with a brain tumor (glioblastoma, stage V) in late March. Despite a 6-week regimen of chemo and radiation, the tumor has grown and she is deteriorating rapidly.

 

My dh has been planning to take our children to see her, and I've been saying "Go now!" for over a month, but for a bunch of reasons, there hasn't been a good time. The primary reason is that they've just moved from their home of 40 years to a small apartment in another state. MIL didn't want to go.

 

MIL is beginning to forget names, but until this past Sunday, she remembered people. For awhile on Sunday, she had forgotten most everyone until the doctors placed her back on a steroid to reduce swelling. Her initial 9-month prognosis has been downgraded to 4-8 weeks; her tumor is nearly 7 cm and it is now a stage VI.

 

DH has booked flights for himself and our children to see her; they will be leaving in two weeks. My 10yo dd doesn't want to go. She loves her grandmother, and it's not that she doesn't want to see her, but she doesn't want to go without me - and I can't go. DD has been really, really upset - angry and sad and all the emotions in between - that we are *making* her go. I've tried to explain that her grandmother really wants to see them one more time (she does), and that one day, dd will be glad she went. A few minutes ago, however, dd started crying and said, "I'm not a rag doll, Mom. Why don't I have a say in this?"

 

DD is terrified that something is going to happen to me; for the last ~18 months, she has refused to do sleepovers. She also calls me frequently if I'm apart from her, but usually, if I leave the house, she comes with me.

 

I have discussed (briefly) with dh that if his mother's condition further deteriorates to the point where she will no longer recognize the children, that they each can choose whether or not to go - I don't want their last memory to be of a dying woman who doesn't even know who they are. My children adore their Nana, and she has been a doting grandmother. I want to grant her this important wish, but I feel like I'm damaging my daughter's very fragile ego, and further, I am causing more harm to our relationship than any good that will come from her seeing Nana one more time.

 

This will be a cross-country trip - from CA to FL - so it's not like we can hop in the car together. (We talked it over - it's too expensive.)

 

If you've gotten this far, what would you do (and why)?

 

Thanks ...

[Jennifer in MI]

Sorry to be quick here (dishes must get done) - but are you sure you can't go?

[claire up north]

Well, I would probably listen to my 10dd. I was in a similar situation at about her age, and I was old enough to understand the consequences of the decision.

 

My bigger concern is the anxiety she shows over your welfare. That doesn't sound too healthy to me, though maybe there are extenuating circumstances that I don't know about. (Aren't there always?? :001_smile:)

[Mary in VA]

:grouphug::grouphug: I don't have an answer for you, but the question that comes to my mind is, why doesn't your dd want to go? Is she afraid her grandmother will look different, not know her, be different? It might help to know the reason she feels this way, if she knows herself. If you find that out you may be able to calm her fears and talk her through it. Seeing a dying person can be scary, even for an adult.

 

Mary

[Caraway]

Why can't you go too?

[Sasharowan]

I don't have any solution for you, but I have been talking to a 16yo that was allowed to stay out of her grandfather's room when he was dying when she was 8yo and she really regrets now that she didn't say goodbye. Can she vocalize why she is so afraid for you? Maybe it is something that you can reassure her that you will be ok.

[LauraGB]

How long will they be gone?

 

At 10 years old, I would make her go and explain that she'll never get the opportunity to change that moment again in her lifetime. Have a heart to heart about ending days and hopefully she will see the significance in her going now, and change her focus from leaving you to being there for another.

 

:grouphug:

[abbeyej]

I'm so sorry...

 

This is complicated because it sounds to me like your daughter genuinely has an anxiety disorder of some sort. Probably nothing major, but her behavior and fears are outside the realm of "normal" for a 10yo child. ... If it weren't for that, I would be tempted to say, "Tell her to buck up! Of course she's not a rag doll, but this is important to your MIL and her needs in these last weeks of her life take precedence over the preferences of a 10yo." .... BUT I don't think you can say that with a child with an untreated anxiety disorder. And you probably can't help her control her anxiety enough to cope with this trip in such a short time.

 

So ... Ugh. :( I really am so very sorry.

 

I would say... Discuss it with your husband. Then talk to your daughter. Let it know that this event has brought her anxiety issues to a head for you and you've recognized that 1) she can't be expected to go on this trip without you at this time, 2) she *must* get treatment for her anxiety. (This will likely involve counseling and perhaps a medication, at least short term.) If she suddenly states that she can handle the trip and will do anything to avoid going to the doctor about her anxiety, well, maybe she can go on the trip. (It may or may not mean that she has control over her anxiety -- but you can observe how well she manages to cope and for how long.) Or she may burst into tears and thank you.

 

But I tend to be a pretty hard-nosed mama, and I just don't think -- given what's been going on with her for months! -- that you can assume this is something she can just overcome on her own.

[kalanamak]

I would let a 10 year old with a strong opinion on this issue have his/her way. Your husband needs to be there for her, not distracted by a distressed child.

[Stephrhena]

I would send her as well. She can never get that time back if she doesn't go. If she is so afraid for you, perhaps she can call you or you call her at set times every day. Then she would have the peace of mind that she will be talking to you soon.

[LaxMom]

I've never heard of anyone regret taking the opportunity to say goodbye, but I have heard regrets about not doing so.

 

I, too, would be more concerned about her concern for you. And I would seek therapy for it. Worry/concern is one thing. This is adversely affecting her life and that's the tipping point for when to seek therapy.

[Lolly]

I would not make her go. When mil was dying, we gave our children the choice of visiting or not. (She was all of 5 minutes away.) Only one went to visit. She was able to recognize and visit. She never even questioned why the others didn't come. In your situation, I would try to find a way to go with them if at all possible. If not, I would allow dd to stay home with me.:grouphug:

[katilac]

If possible, I would go as well.

 

I would *very gently* tell her that it's not about what she wants, it's about what grandma wants. I would emphathize with her fears, but explain that something can happen to you whether dd is with you or not; she cannot prevent bad things from happening. And grandma is going to die whether she goes to see her or not. I'd tell her that it's oh so hard, and I know that, I do, but sometimes we have to do very hard things for the people we love.

 

I would brainstorm ways to make it easier for her, but yes, I do think I would make her go. Not to the extent of forcing her into the room, but if she makes the trip and knows it's expected of her, she will likely at least step in and be seen. Make sure she knows that you are doing it for her sake as well as grandma's, so that she has no regrets down the line.

 

If she truly falls apart at the idea and absolutely cannot step up, then I guess I'd keep her home and tell grandma she was too ill to come, but I'd be bringing her to a counselor to address anxiety issues if it's truly that bad.

 

I also wanted to touch on what you said about grandma getting to the point of not recognizing people. Just be aware that this can come and go - she might be unaware or unconcious at one point, and rally at other times to be perfectly aware and lucid. When my sister was dying, she woke up and made eye contact and spoke briefly with me when we all thought she was far past the point of doing so. And dying people can often still hear what is being said even when they can't respond or open their eyes, so it can be well worth going (and also well worth watching your words!).

[Harriet Vane]

If possible, I would go as well.

 

I would *very gently* tell her that it's not about what she wants, it's about what grandma wants. I would emphathize with her fears, but explain that something can happen to you whether dd is with you or not; she cannot prevent bad things from happening. And grandma is going to die whether she goes to see her or not. I'd tell her that it's oh so hard, and I know that, I do, but sometimes we have to do very hard things for the people we love.

 

I would brainstorm ways to make it easier for her, but yes, I do think I would make her go. Not to the extent of forcing her into the room, but if she makes the trip and knows it's expected of her, she will likely at least step in and be seen. Make sure she knows that you are doing it for her sake as well as grandma's, so that she has no regrets down the line.

 

If she truly falls apart at the idea and absolutely cannot step up, then I guess I'd keep her home and tell grandma she was too ill to come, but I'd be bringing her to a counselor to address anxiety issues if it's truly that bad.

 

I also wanted to touch on what you said about grandma getting to the point of not recognizing people. Just be aware that this can come and go - she might be unaware or unconcious at one point, and rally at other times to be perfectly aware and lucid. When my sister was dying, she woke up and made eye contact and spoke briefly with me when we all thought she was far past the point of doing so. And dying people can often still hear what is being said even when they can't respond or open their eyes, so it can be well worth going (and also well worth watching your words!).

:iagree:

 

Just this past January, I helped five children visit with their mother as she lay dying, and I helped them again after she had passed on to come in to the room one more time to say goodbye. My aunt (more like a sister) had been ill for nearly seven years. I spent years helping the children visit their mother in hospitals and the nursing home.

 

My aunt had a brain tumor. Before the first year after diagnosis was up, a surgery left her seriously brain-damaged with dementia. Over her final two years the dementia and anxiety increased even as her body twisted, sickened, and shut down. It wasn't easy or pretty.

 

Is there any way at all that you can go too?

 

Aside from that, I like Katilac's advice above. Having walked this path, I have no regrets about helping the kids with these difficult visits, and I believe that the kids have no regrets either. I especially think of the middle child of the five, who really, really struggled with the visits. She told both her father and I, multiple times, that she is/was glad that she continued visiting. Believe me, she needed ALL our help to do this.

 

On a more practical note, here are some tricks that helped us with the visits:

 

--Prep ahead of time. Make sure the kids have some idea of what their grandmother will look like. Perhaps even role-play a conversation ahead of time. Make sure they know how repetitious the conversation may be, or conversely, how quiet it may be.

 

--Make sure the kids have something to occupy their hands with. When I took the kids to visit their mother I always also brought a craft for them. Something simple--something that will not require too much thought or attention. Sometimes it was knitting or coloring or cutting magazine pictures to paste with glue sticks or simple sewing. It's a real relief to have a little distraction from the intensity.

 

--Be prepared to hold a child on your lap or in your arms in some way.

 

--Be prepared to prompt the child to know what to say. "Tell Grandma about your soccer game." The child may say only one sentence, so then you can say, "Remember the goal you kicked? Tell her about that goal." You may need to prompt the entire conversation, but it will flow and get easier as you go along. Active coaching really, really helps.

 

--You can also help the child know how to touch their grandmother. I used to take my aunt's hand in mine and hold it a minute, and then say to the child on my lap, "Your mother loves to feel your touch. Just hold her hand like I'm doing." Sometimes I might rest my own hand on the child's hand in a light, snuggly way (though never, ever forcing the child to touch). The kids seemed to appreciate knowing what to do and having me right there to help them do it. It helped that their mother would smile radiantly when they did touch her--out of all that she forgot and lost, she never, ever forgot her children.

[Hunter's Moon]

I'm not a parent so take this with a grain of salt ;) But, I do have some experience this type of situation from your daughter's POV.

 

A traumatic experience happened within our family when I was 9/10. I had the worst possible separation anxiety from my mother. I had to constantly be touching her, hear her voice, or see her in some way. It required a lot of therapy but I eventually get over the anxiety. I had nightmares of her being taken from me and no one understood how severe the anxiety was to me. It might have been irrational, but it was real.

 

Also, regarding the dying grandmother, my grandmother passed when I was 14. She had dementia and many strokes. I visited her in the nursing home with my mother a few times but she was always yelling and fighting the help the nurses and aides were trying to give her. It broke my heart and was so hard to see. I decided that when it was her time to die, I wouldn't visit. My parents respected my decision and I appreciate that they did. I regret not seeing her one last time, but I also have better memories of her. One of the last times I saw her she was just getting over an episode of yelling and crying and she looked up at me and told me how beautiful I was and she said my name. I wanted to remember her that way, not what the disease made her.

 

Just thought I'd share a personal story because it may help you with your decision. At 10, I felt like no one was listening to my very real emotions and that didn't help the situation at all. If anything, it worsened it and made me more insecure and irrational.

[OLG]

So hard. My concern is that your dd is scared - scared about her grandmother dying and needs the comfort of her mother. If you feel it is terribly important for her to be there, then maybe you can find a way to go too. If not, let her stay home. Not everyone handles/processes death in the same way and ten is a difficult time for a young girl as far as emotions go. Be gentle with her. So sorry.

[justamouse]

I would try to go if I were you.

 

If she doesn't want to go, I wouldn't make her. Both my grandparents were sick and close by but no one every made me go and I'm happy that I have such wonderful memories of them, not memories of htem sick and dying.

 

We didn't allow our kids to see their dying of Alzheimer's grandfather at the end, either. Let them remember him as they did. The wake and funeral were traumatic enough, they didn't need to see the rest.

 

ETA, if the grandmother is cognizant at the time of visiting, I might ask her to go, BUT I'd be there, too.

Edited August 3, 2011 by justamouse

[Nakia]

I have a 10 year old. I would not make her go.

[Rebookie]

I'm probably the only one out there on this... But in my opinion my child doesn't make those types of decisions yet. This trip is not about her. It's about Grandma. If I was dying I would be heartbroken if my grand baby didn't come, because she was having a baby fit/control issue. I think it should be a lesson for her that life isn't always about what we want to do, but a sacrifice sometimes for the good of the whole.

 

That is my opinion and either way I support you on what you decide! I would like to know how this all turns out! =)

[Desert Rat]

I wouldn't force her either. You've gotten a lot of opinions on both sides. My reasoning is that I'm a very visual person. I remember people by how they look the last time I see them. As a kid, my parents let me avoid going up to caskets, seeing people in their last moments, etc. for this very reason. As an adult, I suck it up and deal with it. But at 10? I'm glad my parents let me choose.

[veggiegal]

If possible, I would go as well.

 

I would *very gently* tell her that it's not about what she wants, it's about what grandma wants. I would emphathize with her fears, but explain that something can happen to you whether dd is with you or not; she cannot prevent bad things from happening. And grandma is going to die whether she goes to see her or not. I'd tell her that it's oh so hard, and I know that, I do, but sometimes we have to do very hard things for the people we love.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I'd talk with her (at 10, she's not a little kid anymore, yet not an adult either) about how she does indeed have a say--but so does grandma. And grandma wants her there to see her one last time. I'd probably, if push came to shove, force her to go, but I'd work really hard for her to understand why. I'd ask her to think about things from grandma's perspective, or your hubby's, or whoever else outside her own. I might even turn the tables and ask her what she would do in your shoes, one day in the future with a daughter of her own. This is one of those times when kids can realize it ain't so easy being a grown up.

 

I'd also work hard to figure out what is underlying her reluctance to go, and talk about whatever comes up.

 

I feel for you. When I was 13, my grandma was dying in hospital and I accompanied my father solo to visit her one last time (my mother and younger brother stayed home). It was also across the country. It was a tough thing to do, absolutely, but I am very glad now that I had that chance to say goodbye, and to see another side of adult life (my father's and aunt's grief) I had no idea about. And I even had to fly home alone as my father was staying to help sort out the estate. (He's the eldest child). It was hard, sad, and scary but I am very very glad I went, because that was a one time thing where there were no do-overs. My thoughts on this are also strongly influenced by my dad telling me on that trip that when someone is dying and they want you there, you go. Period. And you visit and smile and hold their hand, and that is the world to them. My dad and I were never close, and still aren't, but that was one thing I remember from that trip and, upon reflection, I still strongly agree with. The look on my grandma's face when we walked in her room--utter joy. And relief. She could let go now....

 

Good luck with your decision and discussion.

[Imprimis]

1) I would not make her go.

2) I would address her anxiety issues.

:grouphug:

[cloversandlions]

Oh dear. So many of the things that each of you has mentioned have crossed my mind while I've been trying to figure this out.

 

Let me see if I can answer some of the questions:

 

- No, I don't think I can go. It's a financial decision as well as a practical one. I know I can really only afford to go once - either now, or to the funeral. My MIL, although occasionally a bit cantankerous :), was kind to me and there were no problems between us, but it's the grandchildren she wants to see. Her first two grandchildren are grown (dh's sister is 11 years older than he is, and she had her first child in her early 20s, whereas dh was 32 when our first baby was born), so it's the younger three (and especially her two granddaughters - not because she showed favoritism, but she loved everything about little girls...brushing their hair, cooking with them, etc.) that she wants to see. She asked dh specifically to please bring them out one more time.

 

- I don't know what's causing dd's anxiety. I've thought of counseling, but her worries generally are not debilitating: it's just that this time, it's Really Big. What might have triggered these concerns? I really don't know, but I noticed that she went from a very confident, very outgoing, tenacious and even daring little girl, to one who seemed to lose herself, once she was dx'd with dyslexia (suspected three years ago; dx'd two years ago). It was as if the she was sucker-punched and she hasn't fully recovered. The other thing - the only thing I can think of - is that she's seen two of our cats die. One was attacked and mauled by a loose dog, and she was the first one to see it. The other? Gosh, it was awful - my gentle, sweet, loving daughter was jumping on my bed, and jumped off right at the same time that the foster kitten staying with us darted under her. It was traumatic, with blood everywhere (carpet, floor, my bedding, all over me...). I didn't know what happened - how does a tiny kitten just suddenly start bleeding profusely? I didn't know she'd been on the bed, and at the time, I could only guess that our older cat had attacked the kitten (he'd been less than friendly up until then). I held the kitten, trying frantically to get in my van to take it to the vet, but of course, it was too late. The next day, she came to me crying, saying she'd killed the kitten, and she hadn't known how to tell me. I knew it was an accident, but my heart broke because I saw how much she blamed herself. Over and over this came up (for many months), and I reassured her that I knew it was an accident, and that I was sorry that she was struggling with this.

 

The kitten episode hasn't come up in a long time, but I try very hard to shield her from anything that shows violence toward animals, while also trying to talk about the circle of life. We recently found an injured barn owl and brought it home. It was already in shock, and had died by the next morning. My friend kindly offered to let us bury the owl on her property, which I think helped dd feel better, but mostly, she was distressed that so much harm comes to animals because of people (cars, etc.).

 

And there may be other things that bother her; I don't know, and she claims not to know, either. She knows Nana is dying, and she says she wants to see her, but "not now". I've tried explaining that "later" really isn't an option, and she knows that, too.

 

Oh! And a third thing - dd was really (really, really, really) crushed when she discovered that the Tooth Fairy didn't exist. She discovered this by writing a note to the TF asking for wings instead of money. What's a Tooth Fairy to do on such short notice? ::sigh:: When we talked about it later, I asked her why she wanted wings, and she said that she "just wanted to get away from it all". She has asked many times why she was born if there is so much pain in the world. A friend on an email list I belong to, when I described all of this more fully, said this seemed a lot like "existential depression", which is common in gifted, very sensitive children. (I don't know if dd is gifted; although her K teacher said she should be moved to 2nd grade, she said she didn't believe in that, so would only promote to 1st...which is when I made the decision to bring her home. Once we discovered the dyslexia [and now, the more I see, possibly dyscalculia], she really withdrew from anything academic. She's mostly been unschooled for the last 18 months.)

 

The problem with taking her to a counselor is that, when the subject has been broached (only ever as 'maybe you mght talk to someone who might be able to help you talk about some of the things that are bothering you'), she says, "Will you be with me, mom?" followed by, "I don't want to talk to anyone else," and "Why? Do you think there's something wrong with me?".

 

Back to the problem at hand: I'm still torn. If this were anything less serious, it would be easy to say she needn't go. But I'm not convinced that she won't regret it later on. On the other hand, and with all due respect and love for my MIL, she is the one who is dying, and it's my dd who will have to live with any emotional trauma that she might experience if she's force to go.

 

And no, my dh will not understand. At all. :( He's very much a black-and-white kind of guy, and he just thinks that dd is being stubborn (and that I'm coddling her by even considering letting her not go).

 

I am so grateful for all of your replies; I have much to consider.

[Anne]

If you can only go once, go now and take your daughter. Skip the funeral.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Anne, who lost her dearly beloved mil 1-1/2 years ago...

[Rosie_0801]

If you can only go once, go now and take your daughter. Skip the funeral.

 

:iagree:

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[milovany]

If you can only go once, go now and take your daughter. Skip the funeral.

 

I really agree with this, too. I did this in the last year and a half with my Gramma. I flew to see her about a year before she died and spent a wonderful three days with her. She passed away this past February and her memorial service was last month. Because we'd spent the money for me to fly out there, and because I was content with our final time together, I chose not to stress our finances further by taking another trip for the memorial service. Go, if you can, with your daughter and family now.

Edited August 3, 2011 by milovaný

[Kathleen in VA]

If you can only go once, go now and take your daughter. Skip the funeral.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

 

:iagree:You really are between a rock and a hard place. Just wanted to add - I can relate very much to what your dd is feeling. When I was a teen I had big time anxiety issues and no one took me seriously. It was devastating. I felt so very, very helpless. I absolutely would not make her go without you so, if you can only go once, go with your daughter. She needs you to take her fears seriously even if they might be irrational.

[Harriet Vane]

If you can only go once, go now and take your daughter. Skip the funeral.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Anne, who lost her dearly beloved mil 1-1/2 years ago...

 

:iagree:

 

I don't minimize the thought you put into this at all. I advise this specifically because your daughter is vulnerable. I would put my efforts into helping her do this very difficult thing rather than attending a large funeral. I know it's a hard choice.

[Lolly]

If you can only go once, go now and take your daughter. Skip the funeral.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Anne, who lost her dearly beloved mil 1-1/2 years ago...

 

:iagree:You are needed now. The funeral will most likely be much easier than this visit.

[Merry]

then I think you should go with your dd to see your mil and skip the funeral. I would try following Strider's advice on how to help your dd deal with the visit.

[gardenmom5]

DD is terrified that something is going to happen to me; for the last ~18 months, she has refused to do sleepovers. She also calls me frequently if I'm apart from her, but usually, if I leave the house, she comes with me.

 

...

 

a bigger concern for me is your daughter's seperation anxiety is this extreme when she's 10. Did something happen 18months ago? Has she seen her dr to discuss a possible underlying anxiety-type disorder?

 

My neice was 10 when my brother wanted to bring her to see my mother. mother was unconcious, on IV's, breathing tube, monitors for everything, experiencing myoclonic convultions, more tubes, etc. I'm glad his paramedic son talked him out of it. no ten year old needs that memory.

 

I'd get your dd into her ped within the next two weeks and chat with him about her anxiety before considering strongly encouraging her to see nana. anxiety tends to blow things out of proprotion, and if she's dealing with excess anxiety, you don't know "later she'll be glad she saw nana". whether nana can recognize her or not, nana will physical changes and not be the nana she knows. I would encourage your husband to see his mother and judge the "normalcy" of her physical appearance before taking any children into her room. Kids don't process the same way as adults.

[Scarlett]

If you can only go once, go now and take your daughter. Skip the funeral.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Anne, who lost her dearly beloved mil 1-1/2 years ago...

 

:iagree:

 

Also, much of what you have described about your dd is JUST like my ds11. He saw 'the big picture' of pain and death all around him at a very young age. He also HATES to be away from me over night....won't hardly go to his grandparents an hour away anymore.

 

I'm currently VERY worried that XH is going to exercise his legal right for a week's vacation with ds and take him far away which will lead to all sorts of anxiety on ds's part. I've tried to be very upbeat and positive about the possibility but he is very UNenthused.

 

I believe the current situation is urgent given that your MIL is dying. I would therefore make a drastic change of plans such as going with your family now and skipping the funeral.

[gardenmom5]

- I don't know what's causing dd's anxiety. I've thought of counseling, but her worries generally are not debilitating: it's just that this time, it's Really Big.

Oh! And a third thing - dd was really (really, really, really) crushed when she discovered that the Tooth Fairy didn't exist. She discovered this by writing a note to the TF asking for wings instead of money. What's a Tooth Fairy to do on such short notice? ::sigh:: When we talked about it later, I asked her why she wanted wings, and she said that she "just wanted to get away from it all". She has asked many times why she was born if there is so much pain in the world.

.

 

not letting you out of your home without her for 18 months is debilitating. Not able to go anywhere without you is debilitating.

some of the same underlying things that cause dyslexia can also cause anxiety. and if she has dyscaulcula, well, that too orgininates in the same part of the brain. The anxiety is real, and should be treated, and not just by "talking".:grouphug:

 

unless you have a drama queen (or she is regularly in the presence of one), a 10yo "wanting to get away from it all" is not normal.

 

I want to add my sister had anxiety disorder at that age (or something similar - it was the 60's) and she was treated with "talking therapy". since she couldn't think of anything to say - she'd make stuff up. *she* is the one who says she made stuff up. considering she admits she "signed off" for herself on all her girl scout badges (adults don't write that way, or with crayon when they need an actual inital/signature. I saw the book.), I believe her.

Edited August 3, 2011 by gardenmom5

[Parrothead]

I'm in the "if you can go only once, go now so your dd can also go" crowd. If you go now, can you just leave your return open ended and stay until the funeral?

 

Your dh needs to read up on anxiety disorders. They are very real and your dd may need professional help.

 

As soon as you get back, take your dd to the pediatrician and discuss options for helping her with her anxiety.

[regentrude]

If you can only go once, go now and take your daughter. Skip the funeral.

 

 

:iagree:

[dirty ethel rackham]

Oh dear. So many of the things that each of you has mentioned have crossed my mind while I've been trying to figure this out.

 

Let me see if I can answer some of the questions:

 

- No, I don't think I can go. It's a financial decision as well as a practical one. I know I can really only afford to go once - either now, or to the funeral. My MIL, although occasionally a bit cantankerous :), was kind to me and there were no problems between us, but it's the grandchildren she wants to see. Her first two grandchildren are grown (dh's sister is 11 years older than he is, and she had her first child in her early 20s, whereas dh was 32 when our first baby was born), so it's the younger three (and especially her two granddaughters - not because she showed favoritism, but she loved everything about little girls...brushing their hair, cooking with them, etc.) that she wants to see. She asked dh specifically to please bring them out one more time.

.

 

I would go now with your dd and skip the funeral. Now is about honoring a dying woman's last wish. The funeral is about the living. Everyone would understand you not going to both.

 

Your daughter sounds like she needs counseling. Her anxieties are debilitating as they are getting in the way of her living a normal life. Her attitude about her learning disabilities would be reason enough for me. The animal incidents only added fuel to the fire for someone of her sensitive temperament. This is a adult decision, not one to be made by a child. If she asks if something is wrong with her, simply tell her that she needs a little help dealing with some things. Just like you go to the doctor for strep throat or a broken bone, we go to the counselor to help learn how to deal with these kinds of issues. Don't treat it like a permanent condition or a character flaw, but an problem that needs solving and you are turning to the experts or "coaches."

 

My son needed counseling for depression and social anxiety. I met with some resistance on it, but I put my foot down and made it happen. We had to go through 2 different counselors before we found the right fit. Don't be afraid to change if you don't get a good vibe. Also, you should get some one-on-one time with the counselor and you should be able to sit in with her until she feels comfortable for you to leave (and be outside in the waiting room.)

[all4them]

She sounds JUST LIKE ME at about the age of 11 or 12. It is VERY unhealthy for her to worry about you so much and it IS hurting her worse then you know.

I was dx with an anxiety disorder later in life. My life would have been SO much more pleasent if my parents had sought help for me.

 

PLEASE get her some help ASAP!!!!

 

Don't make her go. DON'T make her feel guilty, she will carry this for life.

[cloversandlions]

She sounds JUST LIKE ME at about the age of 11 or 12. It is VERY unhealthy for her to worry about you so much and it IS hurting her worse then you know.

I was dx with an anxiety disorder later in life. My life would have been SO much more pleasent if my parents had sought help for me.

 

PLEASE get her some help ASAP!!!!

 

Don't make her go. DON'T make her feel guilty, she will carry this for life.

 

Hard words to read, but thank you. Checking our options - if the plane is sold out, or if the ticket price has reached an absolutely "out of our range" price, I will let her stay home.

 

And start looking for help for my girl. Thank you again.

[OH_Homeschooler]

My older sister has always had bad separation issues. She tells stories from before I was born. My mom was in the hospital for depression and my sister was sent to visit my aunt for a week or so, and she really didn't want to go. She has always blamed this event for her ongoing separation anxiety. I don't know that it really was the cause or if she simply already had the anxiety and that made the trip even more traumatic for her.

 

I'm inclined to think that my sister already had anxiety (we're an anxious bunch, all medicated at some point), and that you don't really need a "trigger" for it to become debilitating. I think it would be very helpful for you to try to get your DD some help now and nip it in the bud.

[ColoNative]

If you can only go once, go now and take your daughter. Skip the funeral.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Anne, who lost her dearly beloved mil 1-1/2 years ago...

 

:iagree:

[soonermomma]

I totally understand what it is like to deal with a child with anxiety. My dd who is now 8 was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and mild depression. The only thing that had changed in our lives was the birth of our twins, but we don't really know what triggered it. I dealt with a lot of the same issues you have described. My dd was still in public school at that point, which was a nightmare. Her anxiety would get so bad it would literally make her feel ill. She had bad headaches and a lot of stomach aches. We tried several different medications, but the side effects were just too much. I pulled her out of school last November and began homeschooling and she is doing so much better. She is much more social and rarely has anxiety. She is still pretty clingy to me, but I think a lot of that is just her personality.

 

My advice is, if you can't go, and she feels that strongly about not going, then don't send her. If she is forced in to a situation with her anxiety already being that high, it is likely to send her in to a horrible anxiety attack, which wouldn't be good for her, MIL or DH.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you. I know this is a very difficult thing for a mother to go through. I hope she can learn some coping skills to make things easier for her.

[zookeeper]

Coming from someone whose mother has brain cancer, I'd make her go. Especially if your MIL is aware of what's going on and awareness can come and go in the end. I'm sure she wants to see her grandchildren one last time. Your daughter doesn't have to spend great quantities of time with her if it makes her uncomfortable.