Now mom called...

[Aubrey]

ETA: Sleep + chocolate.

 

1. Dh says the breathing issue is serious. He ALWAYS underestimates things, so for that alone, CO is the better choice.

 

2. Some of y'all took my camping suggestion seriously, & eventually I thought of this: we go ahead & move now, but the week of Mom's surgery, we could go camping or something like that. We haven't had a real day off in something like 6 years. I assume we can't afford for dh to be off of work, so we'd either have to stay close enough that he could work & come "home" to a vacation. Hehehe. Or take mom up on her offer to pay Aug rent--but instead pay for the camping, which would be MUCH cheaper.

 

3. Mom has been like this all of my life *until* she got dx'd w/ ADHD. The rx for that has made our relationship COMPLETELY different in the last year. Her last visit when she got upset w/ 2yo, she forgot to take her rx the whole time she was here. Right now, she's been off of it for 3 weeks--her dr referred her to a psychologist to get a better diagnosis & rx & thought that mom would follow through faster if she didn't have her medicine. Which is sort-of true, but the psych hasn't returned her phone calls, so that has backfired, & mom's a wreck. She called a few minutes ago, though, just to tell me she'd made an appt w/ her dr for Wed. I feel certain from what I've heard of this dr over the years that mom will get the rx she needs.

 

4. I'm going to stick to telling her we'll make the basement work w/out a room upstairs.

 

5. It looks like there is a dr in CO that dh could see for a fee we could pay. Again, even if the air quality weren't better, that alone makes the decision, imo.

 

6. State Aid: You guys know what a volatile issue that is on these boards. This is one that I won't discuss *at all* here. I've seen both sides mercilessly blasted. I'd rather tell you my opinion on politics & religion any day. ;)

 

7. I've had a cherry bubble bath & the good ice w/ really wet water, lol, the stuff that didn't sell on Sat looks like it's selling quickly on Craig's List now, & I've braved talking to mom: she responded the way I knew she would--whatever we decide will be wonderful & she can't wait. The fact that she's already called her dr (which I'd decided to ask her to do) gives me hope. I really think that w/ her med, things will be manageable. And I think that a fresh start & a smaller financial burden will give dh the emotional boost he needs to get a job. Breathing might help w/ that, too, lol.

 

.................................................

We spent the afternoon w/ mil telling us why moving to CO is such a bad idea. In the kind of way that makes you really look forward to 70 degree weather. ;)

 

Then mom called. Oh. my. goodness. Is there anywhere we'd be allowed to just live in a tent? And can we trade something for a tent? :tongue_smilie:

 

There are the details: she's REALLY afraid we won't have enough space, so she REALLY wants us to have one of the bedrooms upstairs, too--I have told her I think that it's important for us to just use the bedroom/living room in the basement. Boundaries, you know. I don't want her to feel any more imposed upon than one does when someone's living w/ you.

 

But she keeps going on about us needing another room, so I finally said ok, because, you know, another room would be really helpful. The living room isn't even an enclosed, private room--it's kind-of split level, open to the rest of the house.

 

So then she starts going into the RULES of this extra room. It's...humiliating.

 

Then she tells me she hopes we won't come until next month. :confused: We've packed/sold everything. We talked to her ahead of time about a move date (Weds), & she said how glad she was that we'd be there to help her when she had foot surgery 8/1.

 

Now she says she's afraid that there will be too much work if we're there, & she'll feel obligated to help us get situated, & she really needed to rest that week. :confused: That even if I tried to get her to sit down, she'd lie to me & say her foot didn't hurt & help anyway.

 

I don't know what to say. Of course we can wait to come, but then she offered to pay our rent for Aug if we'd just not come until after 8/8. I don't know what to make of that. We have to pay Aug no matter what--our lease isn't up until 9/30. We were going to come sooner for dh's health & to save on utilities & to hopefully have more time to find an OB. But we don't HAVE to. She told me she'd been in tears praying that she was lonely, begging God that we'd come, & now...she's asking us to wait.

 

Help me. Does she mean wait? Or "don't come"? I told her about mil's offer for us to go there, but she still insists she wants us. She's stressed out trying to get the house ready, but she won't leave it alone & let me do it when I get there. But she's stressed about weird stuff--tape & bed work on HER bathroom *ceiling* that's not done well enough. Flat paint that's been used to touch up a glossy trim.

 

I told her we'd fix it for her when we get there, but then she starts telling me she needs to have carpet put in our part of the house. I don't know. She never completely makes sense, but...I'm worried.

 

And I have only slept about 6 hrs in the last 3 days, & dh is up late working on school, & my brother randomly showed up at my house tonight, & 4yo went to bed MAD at me that she didn't get a nap today. I was only able to console her by promising her 2 tomorrow. :confused:

 

We've had a stomach bug or pregnancy yuck or something all weekend. And running to the bathroom in the middle of the night 7mos pg is bad enough if you don't have to climb over boxes & dodge the obstacles that dh thought would be better all over the room than against the wall where a saner person put them.

 

But that's beside the point. I'm worried, stressed, & scared. I'm *extremely* oversensitive on a good day. And my relationship w/ my mother...is indescribable. I'd be embarrassed to try in one post anyway. She gets her feelings hurt easily, but she also has trouble sending/receiving communication, & she's not...always...logical. Volatile combination.

 

Oh freaking good golly what am I going to do.

Edited July 25, 2011 by Aubrey

[elfgivas]

tents are lovely ;)....

 

truly lovely. when i was nursing babies, it was my favourite place to be.... like a giant warm cozy nest :001_smile:.

 

you might try telling her that you've sold everything, given notice, planned the move and need to come when you'd planned.... but that you'll just drop all the stuff off at her place and go camping til the 8th if that would help her....

 

fwiw,

ann

[Unicorn.]

Oh my. Just :grouphug: lots, and lots of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Caitilin]

Oh, Aubrey.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Lord have mercy.

At this point, I think you really do need to go to CO, mom or no mom. Praying for you tonight.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Pink Fairy]

Everything is ten times harder during late pregnancy, so you are already a hero for holding it all together and planning a move. :hurray:

 

(Tiptoeing here) Is it crazy to ask if you have a backup plan in case living with your mom is unbearable?

[Elizabeth in MN]

Let me start out by saying that my Mom and I live together.

 

That said, when I moved in with my Mom she had a similar reaction. She wanted us to come and was very excited. Then she started worrying about the house. All the things she had put off and ignored suddenly jumped out to her because she was embarrassed by what she had put up with. It was good enough for her but not good enough for her grandbaby if you now what I mean. I had to move in with her or my daughter and I would have been homeless. I swear every other word out of my mouth was "We'll work it out."

 

And we did ! It took a while and lots of talking but it has all worked out. Working out the rules, it's a soul-sucking experience to say the least. But it needs to be done ahead of time. There will be adjustments to the rules when you are living together.

 

Tell your mom flat out that you've got to come out Wednesday. Tell her it's because of the baby and needing to get everything ready for it. That will help her anxiety ease up. Tell her carpet would be a bad idea with children around - it'll get stained too easily. Keep telling her it's going to be okay, and keep reminding yourself of that fact.

 

:grouphug:

[helena]

Let me start out by saying that my Mom and I live together.

 

That said, when I moved in with my Mom she had a similar reaction. She wanted us to come and was very excited. Then she started worrying about the house. All the things she had put off and ignored suddenly jumped out to her because she was embarrassed by what she had put up with. It was good enough for her but not good enough for her grandbaby if you now what I mean. I had to move in with her or my daughter and I would have been homeless. I swear every other word out of my mouth was "We'll work it out."

 

And we did ! It took a while and lots of talking but it has all worked out. Working out the rules, it's a soul-sucking experience to say the least. But it needs to be done ahead of time. There will be adjustments to the rules when you are living together.

 

Tell your mom flat out that you've got to come out Wednesday. Tell her it's because of the baby and needing to get everything ready for it. That will help her anxiety ease up. Tell her carpet would be a bad idea with children around - it'll get stained too easily. Keep telling her it's going to be okay, and keep reminding yourself of that fact.

 

:grouphug:

 

I hope you get flooded with this type of grounded and reasonable response, and that they help you have some peace and clarity about what to do.

Sorry things are so tough right now.

:grouphug:

[Aubrey]

Let me start out by saying that my Mom and I live together.

 

That said, when I moved in with my Mom she had a similar reaction. She wanted us to come and was very excited. Then she started worrying about the house. All the things she had put off and ignored suddenly jumped out to her because she was embarrassed by what she had put up with. It was good enough for her but not good enough for her grandbaby if you now what I mean. I had to move in with her or my daughter and I would have been homeless. I swear every other word out of my mouth was "We'll work it out."

 

I think she's OCD & has started hoarding. I haven't been to her house in 10 years (she comes here), but she's got an appt to see somebody. She wants to put carpet in the basement because it's cement right now, but she wants wood later.

 

She said we could keep our stuff in the garage if we needed to because it was empty; a month later she started telling me all the stuff we can't bring because the garage was full. :confused:

 

I think I understand your mom's response; I don't think that's what my mom's doing.

 

And we did ! It took a while and lots of talking but it has all worked out. Working out the rules, it's a soul-sucking experience to say the least. But it needs to be done ahead of time. There will be adjustments to the rules when you are living together.

 

Again...I think this is a different issue. Last time she was here, she freaked out that my 2yo got up from the dining table w/ food. She threatened to take his dinner away, spank him, & put him to bed. She was only here 3 days. He was excited & distracted because she was here. And he's 2.

 

Knowing we're going to stay w/ her, I've been working on this, although it's not normally an issue that means THAT much to me. He stays at the table ok if the adults are there, kwim?

 

So her first rule is no food in the kids' room. Well...that's obvious, but ok. So I told her I'd been working on *keeping it at the table.* To me, that's a big difference.

 

2nd rule: no toys in the bedroom. They need to stay downstairs because she wants that bedroom to stay "really clean & peaceful" for them so they can sleep in it. Coming from someone who lives alone in a 2 story house plus basement & can barely walk through it.

 

I had no intention of sending toys up w/ them, but I HAD NO INTENTION OF GIVING THEM AN UPSTAIRS ROOM TO BEGIN WITH BECAUSE OF EXACTLY THIS TYPE OF THING.

 

And I don't know about you, but "clothes & sleeping" are the messiest things my kids do. Keeping THOSE things clean would take every moment of every day. Maybe that means I'm a terrible mother & I'm raising slobs, but there's no hoping she means some reasonable version of clean. Last time she rented an apt, she recaulked it because imperfect caulking makes her crazy & the guy that was sent out to redo it did a bad job, accd to mom.

 

Tell your mom flat out that you've got to come out Wednesday. Tell her it's because of the baby and needing to get everything ready for it. That will help her anxiety ease up. Tell her carpet would be a bad idea with children around - it'll get stained too easily. Keep telling her it's going to be okay, and keep reminding yourself of that fact.

 

:grouphug:

 

I tried to tell her cement would be fine. She won't listen, but then she complains about how expensive it is to fix up the basement. She keeps hiring "friends" to do the work & getting ripped off, so it IS getting expensive, but she won't stop even when I tell her I'd rather do it all myself.

 

She spent an hour getting stuff at Home Depot yesterday to fix the bathroom ceiling herself. Then left her buggy & went to Lowe's & did the same thing. Then she sat in her car & cried because she was so upset that she paid the guy who was supposed to fix the ceiling instead of insisting that he FIX it. She cried again on the phone w/ me for an hour last night.

 

Today she called & said she'd decided to hire him again. :confused:

 

When my dad died, she called me & told me that he was a terrible man & had never done a good thing in his life. Then she hung up on me & wouldn't talk to me for 6 mos. Later she "forgave" me, but she told me she'd planned to never talk to me again.

 

That's not how she is most of the time, but I'm on edge around her because to this day I don't know what she thinks I said that set her off. This is only one example of this type of behavior: it's a pattern.

 

Please don't think I'm stupid to plan to live with her. The flip side is she'd bend over backwards to make sure we could homeschool & goes out of her way to be supportive of other details in our lives that are often points of derision for others.

 

She was diagnosed w/ ADHD about a year ago, & until her last visit things have been SO much easier between us. On her last visit, she'd forgotten to take her rx. Right now, she's been w/out it for 3 weeks--her dr is in the process of trying to change it.

 

So I know this is more than just her, but it's the her I grew up with. And...I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know if I SHOULD.

 

Dh thinks the worst thing that could happen is we move out--somewhere in CO or back to TX. It costs some money, but that's it. He's such an idealist. I wish that were the worst that could happen. He thought the worst that would happen if seminary didn't work out was that he'd get another job & go back to an ordinary life.

[Aubrey]

Everything is ten times harder during late pregnancy, so you are already a hero for holding it all together and planning a move. :hurray:

 

(Tiptoeing here) Is it crazy to ask if you have a backup plan in case living with your mom is unbearable?

 

Backup plan...there is one other thing we could do instead of living w/ mom: as of yesterday, mil has said we could live w/ her. Did you read THAT thread? :svengo:

 

Once we move out there, though? If we could do something else, we'd never consider living with family.

 

The alternatives I've thought of in the last month are not appropriate for the internet. :(

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

:grouphug::grouphug: I have been reading your threads and I wish there was something I could say to help. I am glad you have a safe place here to vent. I come from a family of gossips; anything I said would get back to the person I was venting about :tongue_smilie: May the Lord bless you and keep you.

[TheReader]

No advice, but I will pray. I'm sorry things are getting so weird lately.

[grace'smom]

This is a pretty random thing to day- but as for the concrete floor... They have concrete paint you can use on the floor and it looks nice enough. The floor stays cold and hard though.

 

Good luck to you. My sister moved in with my parents for six years after her divorce. She just moved out recently, and I am proud to say all family members are still speaking, LOL.

[Chris in VA]

Just a minor thing--could she buy a few rugs from Walmart to make the floor nicer without a lot of expense? We have concrete (covered in some sort of tile) in our basement schoolroom, and I've put rugs (like, 5x7 size, I think) under the table and by the couch. They are only about $25 or so, and easy to clean (tho I ended up tossing two of them because they were the favorite place for the cat to barf...).

 

I'm focusing my advice on this tiny detail because, honestly, your post is a little overwhelming! :001_smile: Sorry life is kinda difficult for ya right now. :grouphug:

Edited July 25, 2011 by Chris in VA

[Harriet Vane]

Just. move.

 

--You really, really need to be settled and have found a midwife earlier rather than later. You have a baby on the way.

 

--You know that your mother's fussing is not going to make it any easier to move in a month than to take care of it now. Just come, on schedule.

 

--Once there, define whose space is whose and draw those boundaries, over and over, as often as necessary. Your mother has NO RIGHT to tell you whether or not your kids can have toys in their bedroom--that's overstepping into YOUR parenting. I think things will go MUCH better if you can just get there and get to work--waiting will make you ALL CRAZY (said with love, of course).

[Chris in VA]

nevermind.

Edited July 25, 2011 by Chris in VA

[FaithManor]

Aubrey :grouphug: :grouphug:,

 

I am SOOOOOOOO SORRY. Your stress level must be through the roof. My only suggestion is that you dig in your heels, go, and be polite but firm. Your mom sounds like she may be OCD enough that a good consult and some mild meds may make all the difference in the world to her quality of living and that is something you might be able to facilitate for her once there.

 

I am concerned about your husband. Though you have hinted that your mil is the more appropriate grandparent and therefore things might be better for the kids, I'd still be worried about his asthma getting worse. A bit higher elevation and less humid climate would probably be much better for his lungs.

 

You could consider saying something to your mother such as, "Mom, we thank you for the offer of the bedroom upstairs. At some point, we may take you up on that. But, with the move and such big changes in the children's lives at this time, we are concerned that being away from us at night may disrupt their sleep patterns. We are going to garage sale for some rugs, toss blankets and bedrolls on the floor, and let them stay with us in the basement until we think they are ready for another transition."

 

If she does turn out to be OCD and the doctor treats it, using the upstairs bedroom at a later date, may turn out better. I'll be praying that your dh finds work right away and you will be able to rent your own apartment or house soon.

 

Faith

[ma23peas]

I'm in the minority here, but I still believe you should stay where you are at least until you have the baby and things are settled....(financially more stable)....I did not read earlier about your husband's health issues...maybe lung issues? If that's the case, sometimes a move even within the same area helps, we have had 'sick' houses where something in that particular house was driving our breathing crazy (we have 2 asthmatics)...

I moved being 36 weeks pregnant and had 4 weeks to find a doctor..(my job actually promoted me 2000 miles away being that far along!) and if I had all you had going on it would have been a large hardship on the family...why not give your mil a chance for 6 months so that your husband can focus on his job/career...I am so sorry, this is tough! Praying for peace for you!

[MelanieM]

Oh wow. :grouphug: :grouphug: Well, I'm going to be in the minority and say I would stay put. A big factor for me would be that you haven't been to your mother's house in 10 yrs, you think she's a hoarder and you say there's no room to walk through the house. What if you get there and you can't even fit yourselves in, much less your stuff? Also, if it really is that bad, it's not going to be a great place for someone with asthma.

 

You've been presented with an alternative that in many ways sounds better -- private space you can actually evaluate before moving in, living with people that you've said are better grandparents, avoidance of moving fees, continued employment (there's no job waiting for you in CO, right?), ability to remain with your current care provider for your pregnancy... The only positives that seem to be counting for the move are 1) potentially better climate for health (I know that's a big one, but it's not really a guarantee) and 2) the fact that you've already decided to go and it kind of sucks to change mid-stream. Is that enough?

 

Honestly, if this many things came up for me days before I was due to move, I would take it as a sign that it wasn't the right time to go. That doesn't mean it will never be the right time but, for me, I wouldn't ignore everything and plow through anyway.

[brehon]

Just. move.

 

--You really, really need to be settled and have found a midwife earlier rather than later. You have a baby on the way.

 

--You know that your mother's fussing is not going to make it any easier to move in a month than to take care of it now. Just come, on schedule.

 

--Once there, define whose space is whose and draw those boundaries, over and over, as often as necessary. Your mother has NO RIGHT to tell you whether or not your kids can have toys in their bedroom--that's overstepping into YOUR parenting. I think things will go MUCH better if you can just get there and get to work--waiting will make you ALL CRAZY (said with love, of course).

 

:iagree: You know I'm 3.5 hours south of you and it's been crazy all over the state. Your poor dh's lungs need a bit of help right now. I'm not sure what else to say as I don't want to overstep any boundaries. You're family seems to be doing that just fine on their own w/o some random online person doing the same. :tongue_smilie:

 

[Mom0012]

:grouphug:

 

I think I would strongly start considering your MIL's offer again. I think you mentioned that your husband was taking classes that you feel may improve his job prospects and that you don't think the job market will be different in CO. In that case, it sounds like your MIL is more stable and would be the better person to live with. Plus, it will be easier on you with the pregnancy and all around. (Though, personally, the weather in CO vs. TX would be the one thing that would call to me to go with your mother.)

 

Maybe discuss your MIL's offer with your mother (if you haven't already) and see how she responds. That may tell you a lot about how she really feels about you moving in with her.

 

Lisa

[Impish]

I'm genuinely worried.

 

First, you haven't been to your Mom's in 10 yrs. And you think she's a hoarder.

 

If that is true, her home may be completely wrong for not only you and the kids, but make it so your dh cannot handle being there with his asthma. If its full of dust, etc, how will he manage? Some places are just so unsafe...what if your Mom's is one of them?

 

I'm frightened for you.

:grouphug:

[Avila]

I'm genuinely worried.

 

First, you haven't been to your Mom's in 10 yrs. And you think she's a hoarder.

 

If that is true, her home may be completely wrong for not only you and the kids, but make it so your dh cannot handle being there with his asthma. If its full of dust, etc, how will he manage? Some places are just so unsafe...what if your Mom's is one of them?

 

I'm frightened for you.

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

:grouphug: But I would seriously be considering MIL's offer. Living with a hoarder would be terrible for an asthmatic. And if she IS a hoarder, she will not be able to easily get rid of her stuff to make any room for you, no matter how badly she may want to. OCD goes along with the hoarding, but treatment is a long road and most hoarders will relapse.

 

Any way you could go visit and help with the surgery without bringing all your stuff and committing to living there?

[texasmama]

:grouphug: Read the Boundaries book so you can gather your courage. Tell her that you are coming and that it will all work out. It sounds like she is anxious about you guys moving in and it is spilling over onto all sorts of things that don't really matter (carpet in the bedroom). When you get there, don't ask her to do much for your family. Have dh fix/help with everything he can. Don't let HER anxiety be yours.:grouphug:

[lmrich]

For the flooring we put down foam interlocking pieces on our cement floor (meant to go under excercise equipment or for toddler areas); it really cushions the floor and warms it up a good bit.

 

I had massive ankle reconstruction work done this summer on my right foot. So your mom may not be in the same situation (could be minor work), but I couldn't drive for 7 weeks. I can't do the laundry etc... What was she planning on doing if you didn't come?

 

Can she send you pictures of her house and your space?

[Karen in CO]

:grouphug: Oh honey. It sounds to me like it wouldn't be any easier to move in with your mother next month or the month after. It also sounds like she might really need you. Just keep repeating, "We'll work it out."

 

 

Do you have siblings? It would be good to have more family members to help with her.

 

Since you are moving SOMEWHERE Wednesday, maybe move in with mil until the baby comes then go to your mom's on some sort of trip or have someone else go on your behalf to see what type of situation you are walking into.

 

Roads also go in both directions. If you get to your mom's and it looks like an episode from that tv show, you can turn around and go back to TX.

 

Tents are very nice. Most campgrounds only allow you to stay 2 weeks at a time then you'd need to move to a different campground or a different spot. Many campgrounds in CO have hot showers. Some even have cabins and yurts you can rent. ;)

 

:grouphug:

[texasmama]

Oh dear, I've now read the entire thread...talk about a rock and a hard space. See if she will send you pictures of the basement and any other parts of the house she is willing to send so you can evaluate if she is truly a hoarder, in which case your family would likely be better off with the in laws.

[OLG]

I haven't read all the replies so sorry if this is a repeat....

 

From where I sit and with only tidbits of info, I think your mother NEEDS you there. It sounds like she has managed to sweep under the rug lots of changes in her own life (and maybe mental health too) that she doesn't want you to see. Now that you are coming to LIVE with her, she is having a hard time accepting that you will see the realities of her life. The scattered and see-saw responses you are getting seem indicative of something amiss at least to me. As difficult as it is to take charge of the situation given ALL that you are bearing, it might be the time for you to just be definitive with her. Tell her how it needs to be and reassure her that you love her and no matter what shape the house is in (or she is in!) you will work it out together. I went thru something similar with my Dad as he aged. They develop habits and their become adept at hiding physical and mental changes from their kids and I think it is only natural that they feel they need to do this. Be gentle on yourself and your Mom but stick with your plan. Prayers and :grouphug:

[jenL]

I'm with others who have stated concern over your mom being a hoarder. My first thought while reading was, "What if they get there and there's no room?" If you could somehow find out what the house looks like right now, I think it would help you immensely in this decision. Getting pictures is a good idea.

 

I know you are in a very tough place right now, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. I tend to err on the side of caution and choose the most stable option for the entire picture (mil?). Could you go there temporarily, let dh finish his classes, have the baby, and then scope out CO a bit more (maybe go somewhere other than your mom's or really see what your mom's house is like)?

 

THere are no easy options here. I'm sorry you are going through this. Please continue to vent, as we are here to listen, and it's healthy for you and the baby to get it all out. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Moxie]

:grouphug:

 

Just remember that this doesn't have to be permanent. Do whatever is best for you and the baby right now. I think that would be living with the in-laws until the baby is born (I get that that isn't a wonderful option but it sounds like the best one for now). If that doesn't work, after you have the baby and your mother is on her new medicine, you can move if you still want to.

[littleWMN]

All I can say is that I've read a few of your threads and you have MY mom, my MIL, my BIL. Seriously, it's scary. I don't know what to say. I'm concerned your mom is not stable enough to live with.

[Jan in SC]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this!

 

Is there someone that can go to your Mom's house and give you an honest assessment of how it is? A relative? A board member with a welcome to CO basket? As a person with asthma, I would really want to know.

 

If the house passes inspection, just go.

[elegantlion]

Just. move.

 

--You really, really need to be settled and have found a midwife earlier rather than later. You have a baby on the way.

 

--You know that your mother's fussing is not going to make it any easier to move in a month than to take care of it now. Just come, on schedule.

 

--Once there, define whose space is whose and draw those boundaries, over and over, as often as necessary. Your mother has NO RIGHT to tell you whether or not your kids can have toys in their bedroom--that's overstepping into YOUR parenting. I think things will go MUCH better if you can just get there and get to work--waiting will make you ALL CRAZY (said with love, of course).

 

I lean in this camp, but the hoarding aspect concerns me. Oh honey, I pray and worry about you and your family. You all need a break, you need a place where you can relax and allow your family to heal a little. If my basement were liveable you could bring your family to my house.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I don't know how I missed the hoarding aspect. That would concern me, esp if your husband doesn't have an asthma plan to help him monitor and regulate his asthma. But I understand you can't control that part of the equation.

 

I totally agree with having your mom send you pics of the basement. If she's truly hoarding, it's going to be a real challenge. That may be why she is so picky about the upstairs bedroom--I've heard some hoarders keep one or two spaces clean as a sort of safe place so they can tell themselves it's not that bad.

 

Anyway, maybe if you get more information you can make a better decision. I'm so sorry you are in this predicament.

[Orthodox6]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this!

 

Is there someone that can go to your Mom's house and give you an honest assessment of how it is? A relative? A board member with a welcome to CO basket? As a person with asthma, I would really want to know.

 

If the house passes inspection, just go.

 

This sounds like a good idea, although it would have to happen ASAP, and your mother may get her dander up if she figures out that her home and her habits are been considered.

 

I'm going to "do a 180" and reverse my earlier-expressed hesitancy about your m-i-l's offer.

(1) Baby due in two months. Birth caregivers generally do not accept late-term newcomers. Plus you would be spending time interviewing to find the right person.

(2) Mom is a hoarder. If you are using that term clinically, then you might have an impossible situation. Some people hoard only certain types of things (my mother fits this), others hoard everything possible (the unbelievable news stories one reads). A "thing" provides surface for dust/dirt to settle. Now multiply by a gazillion and consider the implications for asthma.

(2-a) Mom is not going to change her hoarding, nor her inflexible rules. She does not sound like the storybook "jolly grandma", who adores her grandkids' noise and high-level activity.

(3) The Colorado economy is not, best as I understand it, as strong as the DFW Metroplex economy. It stinks here, but it stinks worse elsewhere in the country.

(4) If m-i-l's accommodations become unsuitable, it is much easier to jump ship and find a place to live here, where you have established network of friends and contacts.

(5) Taxes. Cost of living. As much as I dislike living here, I can't afford to move anywhere that features taxes on food and with a state income tax. Colorado does not levy the first, but it does the second. I have no "wiggle room", and your family appears not to have any, either.

 

As already posted, you've got that "rock and a hard place." A small, but well-meaning few of us are voting for "stay".

 

:grouphug:

Edited July 25, 2011 by Orthodox6

[Aubrey]

Oh wow. :grouphug: :grouphug: Well, I'm going to be in the minority and say I would stay put. A big factor for me would be that you haven't been to your mother's house in 10 yrs,

 

She's moved several times in that time.

 

you think she's a hoarder and you say there's no room to walk through the house.

 

These are her words.

 

What if you get there and you can't even fit yourselves in, much less your stuff?

 

She's emptied the basement.

 

Also, if it really is that bad, it's not going to be a great place for someone with asthma.

 

This isn't going to make sense, but Mom's a clean freak. She does have trouble w/ STUFF, but she's kind-of germaphobic. Will that make a difference? I don't know.

 

You've been presented with an alternative that in many ways sounds better -- private space

 

The levels of privacy at the two houses are similar, assuming we don't take the extra room at mom's house. Mil has 2 rooms separated from the main part of the house by a breezeway, but they're not really air-conditioned. Kitchen would be shared in both cases.

 

you can actually evaluate before moving in,

 

We've lived there before.

 

living with people that you've said are better grandparents, avoidance of moving fees,

 

It would be a lot cheaper (of course not free).

 

continued employment (there's no job waiting for you in CO, right?),

 

This is important. We're not going to CO w/out a job. Dh does have to talk to them again, because *on Friday* (how rude), they told him they don't use independent contractors in CO. They use another co. They've offered to help dh get employed by the other co. That would be worked out before we go.

 

His job here is not good--not worth staying for, not worth going to CO for. He's a courier, delivering human tissue for surgery or sensitive machinery, etc. He gets paid by the job. That means some days he's busy & does ok; other days, if there's no work, he makes next to nothing.

 

The air lately has meant that he can't drive during the day any more. The work at night is even more sparse than during the day, which is often paying 1/2 what he'd make in a day last year. Last year was so little we could barely pay bills. Last week there was a night he worked 14 hours for $50 BEFORE taking out gas expenses, toll expenses, etc.

 

For all intents & purposes, I'd say he doesn't have a REAL job in either place.

 

ability to remain with your current care provider for your pregnancy...

 

This one's big.

 

The only positives that seem to be counting for the move are 1) potentially better climate for health (I know that's a big one, but it's not really a guarantee) and

 

We've checked the ozone statistics, & broadly speaking, i think this is as much of a guarantee as you can get. Specifically house-to-house--mil's house has always been bad for dh, too. Among a host of things, they have a cat. When we go for the day at Christmas, etc, he always comes home a little sick. Not hugely (usually), but worth knowing that would be hard on him, too.

 

2) the fact that you've already decided to go and it kind of sucks to change mid-stream. Is that enough?

 

Well, no. We wouldn't make a decision based on that alone. But you're referring to the other thread. I don't see changing such a big decision just because someone asks you to at the last minute.

 

Honestly, if this many things came up for me days before I was due to move, I would take it as a sign that it wasn't the right time to go. That doesn't mean it will never be the right time but, for me, I wouldn't ignore everything and plow through anyway.

 

I know. That's why I don't know what to do.

[FaithManor]

Well, speaking from experience with a niece who has asthma, mil's having a cat is definitely not in her favor since you have shared spaces such as the kitchen to deal with. My niece's asthma did not respond kindly to the presence of a cat and my brother and his wife always kept a cat, despite the doctor's warning, because they said it was unfair to the rest of the family to give up their love of cats for just one person. (UHMMM don't ask me how I feel about that situation because that would be a subject for another thread.)

 

Also, if your mother is a regular deep cleaner, then the environment sounds better for your dh's lungs.

 

The less than ideal option, though this may make sense for your family, might be as hard as this sounds, for you and kidlets to move into mil's quarters and birth baby here with your current provider, while dh moves into his mil's, thereby helping his lungs, and giving him a chance to look for work in a healthier environment. You and the kids plus new baby would come when he secures a job. It would also give him the chance to scope out the situation at your mom's and see how his asthma does there all the while living out of a couple of suitcases so you don't have to pay the expenses of moving so far.

 

But again, sometimes we get called to rotten choices like that, and other times there is no amount of "fiscal" sense that can be placed ahead of keeping the family together.

 

So, I just throw that out there as a possible option and I'm very well aware of just how crappy that option really is!

 

Hugs,

Faith

[snickelfritz]

Aubrey, didn't you say in a previous post that your MIL would be much better help during/ after the baby?

 

With the various situations and what little it's possible to know over the Internet......I would strongly consider staying.

 

It seems like the big con there is the way she waited until the last minute to offer and the fact you don't get a weather change for your dh. The first aspect is one that can be overlooked as easily as you would have to overlook your mom acting so suddenly weird about coming now. The second, my not be helped if your moms house is full of stuff.

 

People are weird. Our parents are rarely the simplistic, no strings attached, cookie baking, craft making, grandparents that we imagine they SHOULD be.

[amy g.]

The situation with your mom does not sound like it would be good at all. You have done a good maintaining a relationship with a difficult parent. I'm afraid that your moving in with her will stress her to the point where she behaves so inappropriately that the relationship will not be salvageable.

 

If your MIL will not get rid of her cat, that sounds like it won't work either. I'd sure ask her, and see if she would be willing to do it.

[Pretty in Pink]

:grouphug:

 

It sounds like the living situation is going to be stressful any way that you handle it. Your stuff is already boxed up. Just go now as you had planned. At least it will give you a bit more time to help her get her house in order before baby arrives.

[Erica in PA]

We spent the afternoon w/ mil telling us why moving to CO is such a bad idea. In the kind of way that makes you really look forward to 70 degree weather. ;)

 

Then mom called. Oh. my. goodness. Is there anywhere we'd be allowed to just live in a tent? And can we trade something for a tent? :tongue_smilie:

 

There are the details: she's REALLY afraid we won't have enough space, so she REALLY wants us to have one of the bedrooms upstairs, too--I have told her I think that it's important for us to just use the bedroom/living room in the basement. Boundaries, you know. I don't want her to feel any more imposed upon than one does when someone's living w/ you.

 

But she keeps going on about us needing another room, so I finally said ok, because, you know, another room would be really helpful. The living room isn't even an enclosed, private room--it's kind-of split level, open to the rest of the house.

 

So then she starts going into the RULES of this extra room. It's...humiliating.

 

Then she tells me she hopes we won't come until next month. :confused: We've packed/sold everything. We talked to her ahead of time about a move date (Weds), & she said how glad she was that we'd be there to help her when she had foot surgery 8/1.

 

Now she says she's afraid that there will be too much work if we're there, & she'll feel obligated to help us get situated, & she really needed to rest that week. :confused: That even if I tried to get her to sit down, she'd lie to me & say her foot didn't hurt & help anyway.

 

I don't know what to say. Of course we can wait to come, but then she offered to pay our rent for Aug if we'd just not come until after 8/8. I don't know what to make of that. We have to pay Aug no matter what--our lease isn't up until 9/30. We were going to come sooner for dh's health & to save on utilities & to hopefully have more time to find an OB. But we don't HAVE to. She told me she'd been in tears praying that she was lonely, begging God that we'd come, & now...she's asking us to wait.

 

Help me. Does she mean wait? Or "don't come"? I told her about mil's offer for us to go there, but she still insists she wants us. She's stressed out trying to get the house ready, but she won't leave it alone & let me do it when I get there. But she's stressed about weird stuff--tape & bed work on HER bathroom *ceiling* that's not done well enough. Flat paint that's been used to touch up a glossy trim.

 

I told her we'd fix it for her when we get there, but then she starts telling me she needs to have carpet put in our part of the house. I don't know. She never completely makes sense, but...I'm worried.

 

And I have only slept about 6 hrs in the last 3 days, & dh is up late working on school, & my brother randomly showed up at my house tonight, & 4yo went to bed MAD at me that she didn't get a nap today. I was only able to console her by promising her 2 tomorrow. :confused:

 

We've had a stomach bug or pregnancy yuck or something all weekend. And running to the bathroom in the middle of the night 7mos pg is bad enough if you don't have to climb over boxes & dodge the obstacles that dh thought would be better all over the room than against the wall where a saner person put them.

 

But that's beside the point. I'm worried, stressed, & scared. I'm *extremely* oversensitive on a good day. And my relationship w/ my mother...is indescribable. I'd be embarrassed to try in one post anyway. She gets her feelings hurt easily, but she also has trouble sending/receiving communication, & she's not...always...logical. Volatile combination.

 

Oh freaking good golly what am I going to do.

 

I may have missed more explanation, but do you absolutely have to move in with someone? To be honest, neither your mom nor your mother in law sound like they have the laid back, helpful, selfless attitude that is required to live happily with another family. If these little things are such a problem up front, what is it going to look like when they have to deal with all the difficulties and stresses of having constant company, many of whom are young children!! The more details I read about both situations, it doesn't seem like either is a really good one. Can you stay where you are? Or is there a compelling reason why you need to move in with one of these family members? If not, I would cancel the moving plans and stay put.

[Aubrey]

I may have missed more explanation, but do you absolutely have to move in with someone? To be honest, neither your mom nor your mother in law sound like they have the laid back, helpful, selfless attitude that is required to live happily with another family. If these little things are such a problem up front, what is it going to look like when they have to deal with all the difficulties and stresses of having constant company, many of whom are young children!! The more details I read about both situations, it doesn't seem like either is a really good one. Can you stay where you are? Or is there a compelling reason why you need to move in with one of these family members? If not, I would cancel the moving plans and stay put.

 

On the one hand, I'm so glad you see it that way. It's a nightmare to have to think about moving in w/ family in the first place, & under these circumstances? Wow.

 

On the other hand...well, I don't think people move in w/ family for fun. Of course there's a compelling reason. Last month we couldn't buy groceries. Our water was almost turned off. Now dh's job is paying 1/2 what it paid last month, & that's w/ working extra hours. He's started having breathing problems related to the air. He's working nights to avoid the ozone, but nights pay worse than days.

 

Yesterday, we drove to church & the children's museum & home. By the time we got home, he couldn't breathe. He stayed inside the house either sitting at the desk or sleeping until 9 this morning. When he got up to get dressed & go in (he has to turn in paperwork on Mon mornings), getting dressed left him out of breath.

 

He's applied for every kind of job there is, from real business jobs to minimum wage teenager jobs to gas station clerks. He hasn't gotten called back on anything. We've contacted friends, & occasionally, there's a job available, he's promised an interview, & we never hear back & calls are not returned. It's excruciating.

[FaithManor]

Aubrey, that fact that he had such a hard time breathing yesteday really scares me. I think if you are reasonably assured that he is going to do better in Colorado, then he needs to go. Even if you stay behind with mil until the baby is born, I think he needs to go. He can live with your mom out of a suitcase while he finds work, but he needs to go. You, the kidlets, and new little one need him in as good a health as is manageable!!!!

 

Faith

[heartosunshine]

I live in the Denver metro area of CO. Today there's an "ozone warning" and the pollen counts have been through the roof all Spring/Summer. I don't know if this would affect your dh's health. The alternative, staying put & living with your mil (and the cat) probably would not be good for his health, either. It's a very difficult decision. I'm not sure where in CO your mother lives, but feel free to pm me if I can answer any questions for you about the area.

 

:grouphug:

[Danestress]

He can live with your mom out of a suitcase while he finds work, but he needs to go. You, the kidlets, and new little one need him in as good a health as is manageable!!!!

 

Faith

 

How about if he went ahead and moved out with your Mom and helped her get all the household things done and started looking for jobs? He can help her post-surgically and see what kinds of job opportunities present themselves.

 

Your Mom already offered to pay August rent, so maybe you could stay there for a few weeks. I know things are tight. I am a tad worried, though, that the hoarding thing will be a nightmare. If your DH could take a look at it, that would help.

 

I know you are pregnant, though, and anxious to get settled yourself.

[Create Your Ritual]

Hi Aubrey, first off I just wanted to send you all my good thoughts and prayers. This is indeed a trying time for you, and being pregnant during trying times isn't all that helpful.

 

Ultimately you are in survival mode right now and in need of just basic essentials for your family, so not moving really isn't an option. Sure there are going to be difficulties settling into someone else's home. This isn't going to be a cake walk for sure. I have a hard time when my mom comes to my house to visit, I can't imagine moving in with her.

 

All that said, you will make it work if it must be done. I think it's important though for you mom to have a realistic view of what a house full of kids actually looks like. I know with her surgery and all, that she may not be able to be much of a help, but I can tell you honestly that just having the acceptance that comes from her knowing you are their mom, and you know what's best for them, is a hard one for grandma's to do sometimes.

 

For me, it's more about what is not being said between my mom and me that makes the air and space around us so uncomfortable. That is not healthy for anyone if it can't all be laid out on the table. I think she is doing a very nice thing here offering her home to you all, but I can't imagine how it's going to go if she doesn't want toys here or there. It would be one thing if you were public schooling right now, as they wouldn't all be there all day, but it's unrealistic and will put everyone on edge if you have to try to get your kids to sit on their hands all day.

 

I would honestly rather take state assistance, and move into state housing, than I would live under someone else's roof. It just makes so much of a difference on your well being to have personal space and be under your own direction. Even if it means being shoved into a smaller space. It's still YOUR space. You call the shots.

 

I will be praying you find resolution, and that dh gets to feeling better and finds steady employment soon. Keep us posted and we all will keep praying!

[gaillardia]

To me it sounds like your mom vents to you, she is worried about her surgery, she is worried she won't be able to be a good mom and grandma to you and your kids, she probably doesn't have much self-confidence because there is no one to talk to about her decisions and the things that are going on. She talks to you because you and she are close.

 

Did you sell your one van and now only have one van?

It doesn't sound like your husband should stick around since he's not getting any responses, but then sometimes responses to job apps can take a month, or more.

I don't even have asthma, but I live probably a half hour from where you are and the air quality is affecting me and my family too. I don't even live near the city!

I hope your pm box isn't full.:grouphug:

[Create Your Ritual]

On another note about dh's breathing. I wanted to at least share some thoughts about what I have learned working with a naturopath here in WA State for the past 8 years.

 

If this is an asthma type reaction, or an allergy, then for sure meds need to be in place for that point when you can't breathe well or your oxygen levels are low. I think I remember you all doing a gluten free thing, right?

 

Our entire family is O+ blood type, and for us that means no gluten and mostly meats, nuts, veggies & fruit. We do eat rice and gluten free foods. We use Dr. D'Adamo's eat right for your type and Geno Type diet. At this point it's second nature to us. Following that diet for one's blood type will oe a great deal to lowering the histamine reaction and the inflammation that is going on. For someone having an allergic type reaction I would add that quercetin/nettle would be a great supplement as it lowers the histamine response just enough to not have them reacting to EVERYTHING they come across. If gluten is the issue, I would steer far away. Also essential fatty acids (like what is found in fish oil) can be very helpful in reducing overall inflammation.

 

Ultimately he may always react to this, but one can reduce the other things in life that already have them so full up that when the next thing comes it puts them over the top each time. No, I am certainly not a doctor. This is just advice and a place to start with rebuilding his health. This is like the kind of advice your ND would give you on your first visit... along with blood tests. Those, I can't do, but I can at least offer my two cents worth about nutrition and the healing powers that food and supplements can have.

 

Good luck Aubrey.

[KungFuPanda]

I feel for you. We went through 2 1/2 years of truly impossible situations and have spent the last year recovering from major financial, emotional, and physical health tragedies. It's a terrifying, depressing way to live and you have to keep chanting "This too shall pass."

 

If your mom has a cleared out basement AND a spare room AND she's a clean freak, it doesn't sound like the type of hoarding that can damage anyone's health. What if you think of the move as an extended visit? Unpack only what you can't live without and leave the rest ready to go.

 

I'd say go, because you TRIED staying and it got you nowhere. Your husband will never breathe easier where you are and a move could open up his daytime prospects. Line up that OB appt. now and go in time to make the appt. even if it's sooner than the month your mother requested. I don't think you'd be worse off than you are right now, so you may as well try a new location. Your husband just needs one decent job to begin getting you back on your feet. If he is the only breadwinner in the family, then protecting his health is VERY important for your longterm stability.

 

HTH

[dangermom]

Oh my goodness. I have no idea what you should do--talk about impossible choices--but you have my sympathy and prayers. :grouphug:

[Aubrey]

I just called my sister to tell her what's going on. Her suggestion? She'd talk to her dh & see if they could take my 2 big kids for a few months.

 

She means well, she means well, she means well.