Nakia Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 We do not allow our daughters to go to sleepovers. They do sleep over with my mother once a month or so, but that's it! Their friends are more than welcome to sleep over here. My oldest daughter's best friend's mother (that's a mouthful!) does not seem to understand our position. I explained that we do not do sleepovers, very kind and firm, the first 2 or 3 times they asked. But around the 4th time, when the mom looked at Anna and said, "I am going to talk your mom into letting you spend the night at our house one way or the other!" in a half-joking kind of way, I had had enough. I pulled her aside and told her that she is not to pull that again because we would not be persuaded and that she was potentially ruining our daughters' friendship. I thought we had reached an understanding, but alas, I was wrong. Last week, the mom told me that her daughter is having a birthday party/sleepover next month, and they would like Anna to attend. Again, I very firmly explained that Anna can not sleep over, but that we would be happy to let her come for the evening's festivities (cook-out, miniature golf, etc). There was a misunderstanding of some sort where both my dd and hers ended up in tears, and I am fully certain that the mother had something to do with it. I am tired of dealing with this. Why can't people respect other parents' decisions? This is the same family that lets their 10 year old watch Twilight, but is appalled that my dd reads Harry Potter. And this is the same family that refuses to let their 17 year old speak to boys or get a license and claim their daughters cannot leave home until they marry. Do I tell them what I think about their decisions or question them in front of their children? NOPE! It's none of my business how they raise their daughters. I am really feeling especially irritated because the mom will be Anna's AWANA leader next year. She has been the leader of Anna's group for the past two years, but I have been a teacher in the class, too. I will not be in Trek next year with Anna. I am not crazy about that situation or the AWANA program in general. If not for the fact that our daughters love each other so much, I would put an end to the whole relationship. But the girls are great friends, and Anna would be devastated if I didn't allow them to be friends. And this is clearly a mother problem. The daughter is a sweet sweet child that I love as well. I have the feeling that as the years go on, the friendship might fade because our families have very different views on so many things. Okay, just needed to get that off my chest. LOL! Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 The only thing I would suggest is to put into place a no sleep over at all policy. That includes no sleep overs at your house. It really isn't fair for one child to get to sleep over but to not host a sleep over. The mom may be feeling untrusted because while she trusts her kids to you you don't reciprocate the feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 The only thing I would suggest is to put into place a no sleep over at all policy. That includes no sleep overs at your house. It really isn't fair for one child to get to sleep over but to not host a sleep over. The mom may be feeling untrusted because while she trusts her kids to you you don't reciprocate the feeling. You might be right about that, and it has crossed my mind. None of Anna's other friends' moms seem to mind or push so hard. And without going into details there are some trust issues. And with one exception, every time this girl has spent the night, it has been when the mom needed a babysitter. Again, we love her and don't mind having her, but it has almost always been for the mom's convenience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 The only thing I would suggest is to put into place a no sleep over at all policy. That includes no sleep overs at your house. It really isn't fair for one child to get to sleep over but to not host a sleep over. The mom may be feeling untrusted because while she trusts her kids to you you don't reciprocate the feeling. :iagree:I understand your view, although it's not what we did. However, I would be deeply offended if you thought it was okay for my child to stay overnight at your house but not okay for yours to come to mine. I would take that very personally as it is a double standard, and I would feel untrusted. If you didn't do sleepovers in either direction, I would not take it personally. Hope that makes sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I wonder if the mom thinks you will become more flexible as you get to know her since she trusts you with her daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Reasons like that are why I've very very careful about who spends the night and when. Sadly all it will take is one bit of innuendo to ruin dh's good name. So I allow sleep overs almost always when he is working night shift or is out of town. The only exception is with the daughter of our very good friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 It would seem odd that you would invite others to sleep over at your house and not let your dd to sleep over at their house. I'm sure that's why the other mother asks to have your dd over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Okay, I am beginning to think we are weird or making a weird decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) it doesn't seem that terribly weird to me. i have a friend here that has my daughter spend the night often at their home (every sunday actually), but her little girl can't sleep out. i'm fine with it. i assume there is a deeper reason to it all. i know it's not personal. my home is lovely, as is my family. plus, the little girl adores us. now, if the little girl could sleep out with others and not at our home only, well...that would rub me the wrong way. but i know it's a rule that she cannot sleep out at all. i just assume something in their past has caused suspicion, even in the most trusting of circumstances....so i just let it go and pray it all works out as they hope. i myself can be particular about where my daughter can spend the night out - so i understand somewhat, especially if there are things taking place there you don't feel comfortable with. Edited May 31, 2011 by mytwomonkeys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane in CO Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Okay, I am beginning to think we are weird or making a weird decision. No, not weird for not letting your DD spend the night at a friend's house (we don't let our DS do that either), just in most situations I have seen it is simply a no sleepovers at all policy. I find it is much easier that way...no hurt feelings! Diane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Nakia, you are not weird. :001_smile: You need to communicate with Anna that she cannot let the other mother try to manipulate you by getting the girls involved. Let her know that if this continues she may lose her friend. Then explain to the mother ONE LAST TIME that you are not EVER going to allow your daughter to sleep over - that it is nothing personal, just your family's rule and not to involve the girls in her tries (manipulation) to get you to change it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Okay, I am beginning to think we are weird or making a weird decision. I don't think that you are weird. Sleep overs aren't a developmental milestone. But I think you are sending a signal that suggests that sleepovers at your house are ok, but sleepovers at the neighbor's house are not ok. It makes it look like what you object to is not young kids' having a friend over for the night, but any sleepover that you are not in control of. I would probably stop hosting sleep overs if you want to not hear about them any more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mo2 Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 However, I would be deeply offended if you thought it was okay for my child to stay overnight at your house but not okay for yours to come to mine. I would take that very personally as it is a double standard, and I would feel untrusted. If you didn't do sleepovers in either direction, I would not take it personally. Hope that makes sense. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I don't think that you are weird. Sleep overs aren't a developmental milestone. But I think you are sending a signal that suggests that sleepovers at your house are ok, but sleepovers at the neighbor's house are not ok. It makes it look like what you object to is not young kids' having a friend over for the night, but any sleepover that you are not in control of. I would probably stop hosting sleep overs if you want to not hear about them any more. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 You're not weird. I would much rather have dd's friends sleep over at my house-I can control the food, the choice of movie, etc. All of that is out of my control at another person's house. Yes, I don't trust the judgement of other parents. So it is a double standard. Actually, I am opposed to sleepovers anywhere-but dh and I compromised and allow friends to stay over here. I did alot of sleepovers as a kid/teen and lots of bad stuff went on. Drinking, experimenting (sexual and otherwise), ouija boards and seances, sneaking out, watching R and X rated movies...I remain convinced that nothing really good can come out of having a sleepover. My parents didn't have a clue and all the girls I hung out with were "good girls", my parents knew their parents, etc. Jennifer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabrett Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Okay, I am beginning to think we are weird or making a weird decision. I do think it is a weird decision. I would be very offended if I entrused my dc with you, but you wouldn't entrust you dc with me, assuming there isn't an issues with my families trustibility. If you had a 'no sleep over at all' policy, I wouldn't think twice, but having a double standard is very offensive.....almost like you are implying that your family is better/safer than mine. If I didn't feel comfortable letting my dc spend the night at other people's houses, I wouldn't let others spend the night at mine. Also, if I found out that you wouldn't let you dc sleep over at my house after my dc slept over at yours, I wouldn't let my dc go back to yours because I would have been very hurt by your actions. Double standards are never good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I never liked sleepovers much. Our dc rarely went to someone else's house. On occasion a friend would stay over here. They were much happier. I picked them up at 10 or 11pm at sleepovers. I would just tell your dd that it's not going to happen no matter what the other mother says and you don't want any tears over it. :) She'll understand even if the other mother doesn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I also do not allow sleepovers, for the most part. Dd has spent the night with her friend next door, but ds came running home right before it was time to sleep. This father and I at least in the same book! The neighbor boy has also spent a night here. Other than the neighbor, I do not let mine sleep out. I also do not like others sleeping here. I don't think it's weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 We have a no-sleepover policy and it has been difficult to defend. If someone wants to get ridiculous about it, I tell them that it is my husband's policy, and it is nonnegotiable. With one persistent invitor, I told her my dh had implemented this rule due to a childhood molestation of one of his extended family members. I just don't get the whole sleepover thing, anyway. There are enough daylight hours to have all the fun you want. As dh says, nothing good is likely to happen between midnight and five a.m. anyway, and the next day is a wash due to cranky, tired out kids. At the grade school/middle school slumber parties I attended, I have memories of tears, hurt feelings and lots of inappropriate discussions. Why enable that kind of experience? I would be uncomfortable allowing my dd to be under the influence of someone who has openly encouraged my child to question my parenting decisions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Okay, I am beginning to think we are weird or making a weird decision. I agree with the others that you are not weird. But I also agree with the others to make the policy uniform--no sleepovers either way. If you want to be wily :D, you could say to the mom, "You know, I've been rethinking our sleepover policy. I know you've had a concern. <pause, let her anticipate whatever she likes> We've decided that we it would be best not to even have sleepovers at our house to make things more fair. We think it would be most consistent to cut sleepovers out altogether. So, please do not mention sleepovers either way to my daughter. Thanks!" Then you can watch her jaw drop when she loses her free babysitting. Hopefully, one of two things will happen: 1) She will get mad and the friendship will go away at her behest or 2) She will drop the subject. I know you said your daughter loves this girl, but honestly, if the Mom is toxic, it's not going to be a good situation for your daughter in the long run, anyway. And I would find another AWANA troop, personally. (People who continue to triangulate and undermine my authority by continually approaching my child about a forbidden topic = toxic, to me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oak Knoll Mom Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 (edited) The only thing I would suggest is to put into place a no sleep over at all policy. That includes no sleep overs at your house. It really isn't fair for one child to get to sleep over but to not host a sleep over. The mom may be feeling untrusted because while she trusts her kids to you you don't reciprocate the feeling. :iagree: Edited May 31, 2011 by Oak Knoll Mom didn't read the whole thread. Just adding my "I agree" to the above. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I don't think you are weird, because I have the same policy in place for my 9yo son. He has a friend that we allow to come for sleepovers, but he isn't allowed to stay over there. It's a combination of reasons, originally because we didn't know the family very well and it was out of our comfort zone. They clearly feel differently and have different standards/rules about letting their son go to sleepovers. Now I feel like I know the family better (the mom anyway), but my 9yo is still not mature enough to sleep away from our home. She is respectful of our feelings, and we are respectful of hers. Beyond the sleepover thing, they have some dietary restrictions related to religion, and we make sure we have food/drink available that are okay for her kids to have when they are over. We limit types of tv and video games, and she makes sure there are other things to play/watch when my kids are there for a playdate. To me, it sounds like this woman is disrespectful of your family's rules, and that's a red flag to me. I would for sure limit sleepovers to my own house because of it, and if she gets to the point where she prefers not to let her dd stay over because of that, then so be it. I don't think it's always a matter of not trusting another family (although in this case it sounds like it is). Some kids just don't do well away from home. And some families have different comfort levels and different rules. I'm okay with that as long as everyone is respectful and kind about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I think AuntieM and WTMCassandra are spot on. I don't think you're weird at all. You have the right to choose what your dc do, and do not, do. IMO a true friend will accept this, even if their own choices and views are different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Okay, I am beginning to think we are weird or making a weird decision. I really don't think it's weird at all. I just think, like pp have said, think its unfair to the other families for you to have their children over but not reciprocate. We actually have the same policy but do not have others over. (With the exception of cousins.) I would hate to make them feel untrustworthy when what it comes down to is our personal conviction/stand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KS_ Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 The only thing I would suggest is to put into place a no sleep over at all policy. That includes no sleep overs at your house. It really isn't fair for one child to get to sleep over but to not host a sleep over. The mom may be feeling untrusted because while she trusts her kids to you you don't reciprocate the feeling. I agree. We don't do sleepovers - but that includes sleepovers at our house, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 We too have a no sleepover policy, either way. I'm not sure why anyone would try to do it one way only, without expecting some kind of drama? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msjones Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Well, Nakia, you are weird, at least when compared to most of today's parents. But that could probably be said of most of us here on this board. When I was a kid, most of the trouble I found was at sleepovers. Older brothers, p#rn, alcohol, smoking (not just cigarettes), sneaking out at night. None of the parents ever knew we were doing these things. We were the straight-A girls from church, after all. I wonder if any of them ever knew... I am a fan of the half-sleepover. Kids come until 11:00. They have time to watch a movie, be rowdy, whatever, but all with us still awake and within earshot-- and then we bring the kids back to their houses at 11:00, nice and tired and ready for bed. Stick with your plan. This mom sounds like a pain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I wouldn't even call this a double standard. There's nothing wrong with letting the child stay at your house and not letting yours sleep over there. It's Nakia's standard. She doesn't owe the other mom any explanation, justification or whatevercation. It's her kid. Her rules. Her business. If the other mother wants to get her panties in a wad over it that's her problem. Just tell her to stop making it the children's problem. We only did sleepovers with one other family. One. Period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandymom Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 We have the same policy (unless we REALLY know the parents on a personal basis). My kids can't even go over to anyone else's house during the day unless we know the parents (although we are a little more lax with this). My kids are more than welcome to have other children here. My reasoning is this....I know that in my home, my children and other children will be safe from surroundings, older siblings, and adults. They will be supervised at all times. At others' homes, I don't know that. Honestly, I don't care if it seems "fair" to other parents....my kids are my priority. We've also never had anyone complain, and I am flabbergasted at how many parents let their children come to my house and have no idea who we are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Well our two oldest spend the night at their friends' house (both the friends are from one family), but the friends do not spend the night here. It is because while my children have spent the night away from us with grandparents and my sister since they were old enough to be weaned, their friends have never really spent the night away from their parents and just aren't ready yet. I do not feel weird about it at all. The children of this family are left in my care frequently and I feel that I am trusted by their mother. I suppose if she had told me that the kids would never be allowed to spend the night here I might feel differently. FTR- We do not allow our children to sleep over with any other non-family members. (We also do not allow our children to sleep over with several family members; it is definitely a trust thing.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 Wow, lots of opinions! But of course, that's the nature of the WTM boards and why I love you guys! I will go ahead and be blatantly honest about my feelings on the matter. I don't have to explain or defend our parenting choices to anyone. That was the whole point of this thread. I don't get why parents try to undermine each other's parental authority and question each other's decisions. Patrick and I did not arrive at this decision lightly, and we don't intend to waiver. It is a trust issue. It is a safety issue. It is a control issue. And I'm okay with that. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 We pretty much have the same policy. No sleepovers. My 11 yr old son has been allowed to stay with my cousin (we are very close) and my parents, but that is it. He had one friend from a lousey home that was always welcome to spend the night with us, but we were never concerned there because we knew there would never be any reciprocation from that kid's family. Earlier this year a boy stayed many weekends with us while his dad was very ill and his mom was at the hospital. Once the dad was home though we never allowed them to reciprocate. They are smokers and allow things I don't approve of. Then I started hearing about the sister's boyfriend threatening to harm her family if she didn't do as the boyfriend demanded. Um, no. My son will not be staying in that house if there are open threats of domestic violence. In addition, their son can be a real problem and try to bully our son if allowed. I have allowed my son to stay and play at their house for a couple of hours one afternoon, but nothing longer than that. Honestly, it may be never that I find another family that I would allow my son to stay with overnight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Love2Smile Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I have not read all the replies, but we do NOT do sleepovers either. Period. But I think you should have it both ways, it sends mixed messages otherwise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I agree with that it needs to work both ways. My kids have done a couple sleepovers. But only with very close and trusted families. If I didn't feel comfortable having my child sleep at a particular friend's house, I wouldn't allow that child to sleep at my house. I could see where that could seem inconsistent and lead to hurt feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiKC Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Okay, I am beginning to think we are weird or making a weird decision. No you are not and I totally see where you are coming from. I would not be offended if someone said no sleepovers except at their house. I'd think they were a bit of a control freak, but certainly wouldn't take it personally. I am a bit like you. I don't say absolutely no sleepovers, but I don't like them. Not so much because of trust issues or the dad or anything like that. But things go on at sleepovers I don't like - staying up way the heck later than I'd like them to (I'm talking 8 year-olds up until midnight, which then ruins our weekend) is the main issue. But just even watching movies I'm not keen on. And I am tired of having to announce first "we don't allow PG-13 movies". For so many reasons it is easier to say "no". I let kids stay up late here for the rare sleepovers we do, but not until insane hours of the night. It does sound like enough people here say they'd be offended, so maybe that is the issue with the woman. But I totally get you and don't think you're weird at all. If you want to continue with this rule, maybe you could tell people that there have been a few problems with sleepovers and it is too awkward to tell some people no and others yes, as well as difficult and confusing for your kids. (Even if this stretching the truth). So you all decided long ago that it was easier to just say no to all. Good luck with that woman. She'd be getting on my nerves with her pushing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I will go ahead and be blatantly honest about my feelings on the matter. I don't have to explain or defend our parenting choices to anyone. That was the whole point of this thread. I don't get why parents try to undermine each other's parental authority and question each other's decisions. Patrick and I did not arrive at this decision lightly, and we don't intend to waiver. It is a trust issue. It is a safety issue. It is a control issue. And I'm okay with that. :001_smile: None of us have to explain our choices, unless we choose to. For me, it was awkward that it was only going one way until I read that it was because she asked you to watch her child, and that is how she ended up at your house. I posted that before seeing how she ends up at your house. And the mom undermining you is a major issue, imho... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joy at Home Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I wouldn't even call this a double standard. There's nothing wrong with letting the child stay at your house and not letting yours sleep over there. It's Nakia's standard. She doesn't owe the other mom any explanation, justification or whatevercation. It's her kid. Her rules. Her business. If the other mother wants to get her panties in a wad over it that's her problem. Just tell her to stop making it the children's problem. We only did sleepovers with one other family. One. Period. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Wow--I had no idea so many families were against sleepovers. No judgement meant by that comment--I'm just surprised. My kids love them, and I don't mind hosting them, either. But to each her own! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joy at Home Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 We have the same policy (unless we REALLY know the parents on a personal basis). My kids can't even go over to anyone else's house during the day unless we know the parents (although we are a little more lax with this). My kids are more than welcome to have other children here. My reasoning is this....I know that in my home, my children and other children will be safe from surroundings, older siblings, and adults. They will be supervised at all times. At others' homes, I don't know that. Honestly, I don't care if it seems "fair" to other parents....my kids are my priority. We've also never had anyone complain, and I am flabbergasted at how many parents let their children come to my house and have no idea who we are. :iagree: Really, something along the lines of, "we don't allow dd to sleep over friends' houses, but if your dd would like to sleep over ours, she's more than welcome" does not seem at all odd to me. You can choose to take offense, but in the end you don't HAVE to understand my parenting choice. It's not like Nakia is allowing her dd to sleep over other friends' houses and not this friend. It's a family rule that she not do sleepovers away from home. If she decides to invite friends to sleep over instead, great. If a mom chooses to take offense, well that's her choice. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 We allow sleep overs, but really, really don't get the refusal to respect others' parenting choices. (she types, while being completely horrified at parents allowing their you girls to watch Twilight... Not this person in particular. I know a 7 year old who stays up & watches w/ mom. Of course, I wouldn't be inserting myself in their girl night to discuss it) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 However, I would be deeply offended if you thought it was okay for my child to stay overnight at your house but not okay for yours to come to mine. I would take that very personally as it is a double standard, and I would feel untrusted. If you didn't do sleepovers in either direction, I would not take it personally. Hope that makes sense. I would not take it personally at all. Maybe it's just me, but I know that different parents have different reasons for rules or decisions in their own families that don't have anything to do with me. Even so, if I somehow came across as "untrustable" to someone -- so be it. I know that I watch kids carefully. I know who I am. And if someone else doesn't trust me, well, that's about them. And likely experiences from their past. And, no, I don't take it personally. Our children are so precious and we're all just doing the very best we can. I think it's ridiculous that this mom can't take "no" for an answer. That, in and of itself, is concerning. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Classically Minded Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 We have a no sleepover policy as well. I met a lady from another country that attended an event I was at, she stated that she can't understand why Americans are so into the sleepover thing. They don't do it in her country, simply because it isn't a good idea to put curious children together in a situation like that. Then, we know others whose children have had bad things happen at sleepovers that are irreversible and will carry life-long effects. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinF Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I don't think you are weird at all and we have much the same policy. Where we are now it isn't an issue. All our friends have the same policy we have "no sleepovers". In AL we were friends with one family that we didn't feel comfortable having the boys sleep over at their house. The mom did call us a couple of time and we watched her boys and we are fine with that. Our house, our rules and we supervise. We had one other family that we were extremely close too and one night they had to watch our kids during an emergency and we had to watch theirs one night during an emergency. Other than that my children have never slept over at anyones house except family. We are particularly careful for many of the same reasons others listed (inappropriate discussions, p*rn, alcohol all being available). We simply tell people that dh isn't comfortable when his children aren't at home which is true. He worries about them and it isn't worth his peace of mind for the childhood rite of sleepovers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I would not take it personally at all. Maybe it's just me, but I know that different parents have different reasons for rules or decisions in their own families that don't have anything to do with me. Even so, if I somehow came across as "untrustable" to someone -- so be it. I know that I watch kids carefully. I know who I am. And if someone else doesn't trust me, well, that's about them. And likely experiences from their past. And, no, I don't take it personally. Our children are so precious and we're all just doing the very best we can. I think it's ridiculous that this mom can't take "no" for an answer. That, in and of itself, is concerning. Alley Read my other note, later in the thread... I do think the other mother's undermining is unacceptable. I didn't say she should send her child there. I also didn't know in my first post that the other mom was asking her to watch her child overnight. That makes the situation a little different. However, if it were me, I would probably be hurt that I wasn't trusted, because I like to be liked, and if you don't trust me, you don't really like me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imprimis Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Really, something along the lines of, "we don't allow dd to sleep over friends' houses, but if your dd would like to sleep over ours, she's more than welcome" does not seem at all odd to me. You can choose to take offense, but in the end you don't HAVE to understand my parenting choice. It's not like Nakia is allowing her dd to sleep over other friends' houses and not this friend. It's a family rule that she not do sleepovers away from home. If she decides to invite friends to sleep over instead, great. If a mom chooses to take offense, well that's her choice. Lisa :iagree: And, the bolded above, is almost exactly how we respond to other parents who ask our kids to spend the night. We've even taken other kids on short vacations with our family, but again, it's not something we would allow our kids to do. It's just how we do things. And, honestly it's never been an issue for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mosaicmind Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 My parents did what you are doing and I quickly got the reputation of being the weird girl. I lost many friends over the fact that i couldn't sleep over at their house because they knew their were other girls who could. It was horrible for me and I have not gotten over the fact that my parents were literally the only ones out of every one I knew who would not allow us to sleep over. I agree with the other posters who say that you are sending a message that the neighbors aren't good enough for you to have your dd sleep over but your house is perfectly safe for them to sleep over. I honestly, if I were the mom, wouldn't allow my dd to sleep at your house anymore. But, that's me. We do not allow our daughters to go to sleepovers. They do sleep over with my mother once a month or so, but that's it! Their friends are more than welcome to sleep over here. My oldest daughter's best friend's mother (that's a mouthful!) does not seem to understand our position. I explained that we do not do sleepovers, very kind and firm, the first 2 or 3 times they asked. But around the 4th time, when the mom looked at Anna and said, "I am going to talk your mom into letting you spend the night at our house one way or the other!" in a half-joking kind of way, I had had enough. I pulled her aside and told her that she is not to pull that again because we would not be persuaded and that she was potentially ruining our daughters' friendship. I thought we had reached an understanding, but alas, I was wrong. Last week, the mom told me that her daughter is having a birthday party/sleepover next month, and they would like Anna to attend. Again, I very firmly explained that Anna can not sleep over, but that we would be happy to let her come for the evening's festivities (cook-out, miniature golf, etc). There was a misunderstanding of some sort where both my dd and hers ended up in tears, and I am fully certain that the mother had something to do with it. I am tired of dealing with this. Why can't people respect other parents' decisions? This is the same family that lets their 10 year old watch Twilight, but is appalled that my dd reads Harry Potter. And this is the same family that refuses to let their 17 year old speak to boys or get a license and claim their daughters cannot leave home until they marry. Do I tell them what I think about their decisions or question them in front of their children? NOPE! It's none of my business how they raise their daughters. I am really feeling especially irritated because the mom will be Anna's AWANA leader next year. She has been the leader of Anna's group for the past two years, but I have been a teacher in the class, too. I will not be in Trek next year with Anna. I am not crazy about that situation or the AWANA program in general. If not for the fact that our daughters love each other so much, I would put an end to the whole relationship. But the girls are great friends, and Anna would be devastated if I didn't allow them to be friends. And this is clearly a mother problem. The daughter is a sweet sweet child that I love as well. I have the feeling that as the years go on, the friendship might fade because our families have very different views on so many things. Okay, just needed to get that off my chest. LOL! Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koerarmoca Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 We host sleepovers, but my girls do not attend them. The one time we did allow them RIGHT NEXT DOOR we where awoken by police lights because 2 of the girls where fist fighting in the street at 2 am (mine where sleeping I woke them and took them home) Never again. Another sleepover (not my kids) ended in some really bad things that I wont discuss on the open board. but yeah no sleepovers, ever. I am ok with it if other parents tried to get my kids to "convince" me I would have no issue pulling them to the carpet and telling them "It ain't happenin'! back off my kid!" I don't think you are crazy at all ;) I call it playing it safe! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 I wouldn't even call this a double standard. There's nothing wrong with letting the child stay at your house and not letting yours sleep over there. It's Nakia's standard. She doesn't owe the other mom any explanation, justification or whatevercation. It's her kid. Her rules. Her business. If the other mother wants to get her panties in a wad over it that's her problem. Just tell her to stop making it the children's problem. We only did sleepovers with one other family. One. Period. :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 It is a trust issue. It is a safety issue. It is a control issue. And I'm okay with that. :001_smile: Good for you! Stick to your guns, and don't feel like you 'have' to stop having sleepovers at your place because other people here said you should. That's poppycock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted June 1, 2011 Author Share Posted June 1, 2011 My parents did what you are doing and I quickly got the reputation of being the weird girl. I lost many friends over the fact that i couldn't sleep over at their house because they knew their were other girls who could. It was horrible for me and I have not gotten over the fact that my parents were literally the only ones out of every one I knew who would not allow us to sleep over. I agree with the other posters who say that you are sending a message that the neighbors aren't good enough for you to have your dd sleep over but your house is perfectly safe for them to sleep over. I honestly, if I were the mom, wouldn't allow my dd to sleep at your house anymore. But, that's me. I'm sorry that happened to you and that you have such long lasting effects from it, but I am not worried about my kids being the "weird" ones. I want them to learn that we don't do things just because others do. We don't have to follow the crowd. And I want them to know that we make decisions based on what we believe to be right regardless of what others say or do. And if the other mom doesn't want her kid at my house, so be it. We aren't begging people to let their kids come here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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