s/o MIL thread: what is your reaction to this statement

[Halftime Hope]

< Do not expect your traditions to be carried on by your son and HIS family, and do not expect to be included in their traditions >

 

Do you agree with this or disagree, or somewhere in between? For perspective, could you please add what kind of relationship you have with your ILs or dh has with your parents.

 

(I'm not picking on the person who posted this, just feeling a bit blue over the prospect of such a possibility.)

 

Personally, the idea that my kids might not carry on any of our traditions and might not include us in any of *their* traditions makes me feel a bit teary, but what do I know? I'm not there yet.

 

I know that I had great relationships with both my parents and dh's parents, and while we haven't carried on all the family traditions, we have carried on a number of them, and we most certainly have included both sets of parents in a lot of our family's doings. All things being equal, then, wouldn't it be reasonable to expect that my kids will find a similar balance?

 

Sniff, sniff...

[twoforjoy]

I'm fine with the idea of my kids not carrying on our traditions. I would be hurt, I think, if they didn't include us in theirs.

[Night Elf]

hmm. My first thought is what happens if the parents of each spouse have vastly different traditions and both sets expect the newly married couple to follow THEIR traditions. That's a hurt waiting to happen.

 

I do hope that my children will include me in their lives and not just drop off the face of the earth when they get busy with their own lives. I may call occasionally to say hello but I won't be calling daily or even weekly because I don't want to be that kind of person. I also hope that they live close enough that I can see them on a regular basis, but dd13 has already told me her dream is to move to London. She promised we could Skype every couple of weeks. :tongue_smilie:

[melissel]

I agree with the statement, but I won't say that it wouldn't hurt either way!

[KristinaBreece]

As to my relationships with the older generation.... DH & I get along better with my parents (and my step parents) than with his. I *think*, though, that if you asked them, they would all say we're "closer" to his parents, because they're pushier & we're "keep the peace" kind of people. (In labor with DS, I found myself apologizing to everyone as I was kicking them out of my delivery room. "I'm not trying to be a b*tch... I just want this time alone with my DH.")

 

We spend more holidays (the actual day) with his parents & are kind of forming our own holiday traditions with our kids & my parents. Like, F/MIL INSIST in having Christmas brunch at their house like they always did when DH was a kid. Since he's an only child, we don't want to leave them alone on Christmas. My brothers spend Christmas day with my parents (for now, that is-- this will surely change as they get older. So far I'm the only one with a family.) and then DH & I take our DC to have Christmas with my parents some time within the week after the 25th.

 

So, we've kept a lot of DH's parents traditions & included my parents in our new traditions. If my MIL weren't so... vocal, things would probably be less "her way," but I would also probably resent her a lot less than I do. I just think each family should be able to decide how & with who to spend their holiday time... especially when kids are involved. Holidays are stressful enough without trying to weigh what MIL wants, too.

[KnitWit]

I did not marry an American. There were vast differences in some of our family dynamics and traditions. I thought we did a pretty great job of blending it all, but my mother took every. single. thing. that we did different to her *personally*. My dh's family acted like their way was the only way. It has made for some HARD times.

 

I have already begun giving MY children the FREEDOM to be completely different from me! I have told them as they get older that when they have their own families, they might do the same, or they might be totally different, but *I* am not threatened by that and *I* will SUPPORT them.

 

I also refuse to ruin my kids' holidays by connecting my worth to them by how much of it they spend with *me*. In fact, I have told them all, with a bigger family and more potential spouses, it will be next to impossible to make *holiday magic* together and that we need to pick a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT time of year that can be *ours*.

 

Just my opinions, but I think the best gift we can give our grown kids is to utterly and completely LET GO. :)

[Cheryl in NM]

< Do not expect your traditions to be carried on by your son and HIS family, and do not expect to be included in their traditions >

 

 

I think the important word in this statement is "expect". Don't expect that "every" tradition will be carried on. Did you carry on every tradition from your childhood? Did your Dh? What about if the traditions conflicted? Have you always included your in-laws in your "new" traditions? Has your Dh? What if it was something you knew your in-laws wouldn't enjoy? Would that preclude you starting that tradition?

 

I think you've probably got your "mommie" blinders on. It's important for families to have traditions that are important to them as a family. Sometimes that mean carrying on old ones, sometimes it means beginning new ones and sometimes, usually, it's a combination of both. I think grace, compassion and understanding are key here.

 

Dh has no problem with my mom (dad passed away before marriage) and has been great about different traditions with the different men my mom has been married to during our marriage.

 

I have 3 mothers-in-law. One doesn't like us and doesn't want us around. She thinks we are sniffing around for money (she has no reason to think this, but this is the way her children behave), but she's married to Dh dad so we just extend grace and spend time with him. There are no traditions here. My other mother-in-law is Dh's step-mom that helped raise him. She is wonderful, love us and the kids, but doesn't expect anything from us except letters and phone calls. My mother-in-law, Dh's mother, is excellent. It does irritate me that she insists we come for Christmas every year because it's hard to leave all our animals and get someone to take care of them, especially at Christmas, but I love her and couldn't bear to disappoint her by not going. I figure, someday she'll be gone and then I'll host Christmas, but I'll miss her terribly.

 

We don't have alot of family traditions so maybe I don't have a keen understanding of this issue. I'm also not a mil yet, so I might really be full of it. Just my two cents.

[DianeW88]

Well, I think you'll have more luck with your daughters carrying on your traditions than your sons. He will just naturally follow the lead of his wife on family traditions and they will probably be those that her family followed.

 

I also think that whether or not in-laws will be included in their children's families and traditions hinges almost completely on the behavior of the in-laws. I also think that young families need time to bond and find their own identity. Sometimes that means NOT including the in-laws.

[pageta]

They will have traditions that you will be included in and they will have traditions you won't be included.

 

For instance, don't expect to be with them for EVERY Christmas. That's a privilege, not a right. It isn't fair to expect families to spend the day with both sides of the extended family. They will include you somehow in their traditions, but don't have expectations for how you will be included. Let them come up with their own traditions.

 

And don't get hung up on traditions. We spend holidays with family, but we don't have traditions per se that have to be followed every year no matter what. We don't go see the 4th of July parade every year, but we have many years. Christmas has been different every year depending on what the options were. At one point, my family was too far away to visit at Christmas. Now they are closer, and dh happens to get a week off work over the holidays so that is when we drive to see them instead of spending time with local family.

 

The fewer expectations you have, the more open you will be to embracing the things you do get to do with your kids.

[Daisy]

I think the important word is expect.

 

I live 3,000 miles away from my parents. My husband lives 1,000 miles away from his parents.

 

We've created our own traditions and they don't include extended family.

 

That isn't because we've set out to exclude them but rather that is what life has handed us.

 

I don't think in-laws and parents should EXPECT their children to do x,y, or z. Those expectations inevitably lead to disappointment at best and bitterness at worst.

 

I have fine relationships with my parents and in-laws. They just live so far away that they just don't really figure into our day-to-day activities.

[ChristusG]

In most families (not all), the wife seems to be the tradition maker and the one who carries on previous traditions.

 

DH didn't really come from a family with any traditions....so there wasn't really any to carry on. I, however, love traditions. And I do try to include MIL in them....but she lives two states away. So when she's down, say at Christmas time, she participates in our tradition of having a birthday party for Jesus. It's a great time. We do have more time and traditions with my own family, but that's because we live in the same town as they do. My own parents have never participated in the birthday party for Jesus though...they are back at home by that time on Christmas night.

[meggie]

I think the key word is EXPECT.

 

Let them grow and develop their own family. They will probably keep their favorite ones going. But they might not be able to make it out for Christmas. Don't whine and moan about it. I don't know anything that will make a SIL/DIL dislike you more than expecting and demanding things of them.

 

Invite. That is the best way to go.

[Mejane]

I agree with the statement, but I won't say that it wouldn't hurt either way!

 

This.

[SailorMom]

< Do not expect your traditions to be carried on by your son and HIS family, and do not expect to be included in their traditions >

 

Do you agree with this or disagree, or somewhere in between? For perspective, could you please add what kind of relationship you have with your ILs or dh has with your parents.

 

.

 

First - I don't think that is specific to sons - it could apply to daughters as well. That said, DH and i have tried very hard to incorporate a bit of each of our families' traditions into our lives, and we absolutely try to include the parents :) I think this really depends on the dynamic in all of the relationships....

[ocelotmom]

I would hope that we would have traditions that they found worth carrying on, but I'd fully expect them to integrate traditions from the other spouse's family as well, and create their own.

 

It would be nice to be included, but I'm going to respect that they have to live their own life, and what they feel is right for their family may not always coincide with my personal preferences.

[Crimson Wife]

hmm. My first thought is what happens if the parents of each spouse have vastly different traditions and both sets expect the newly married couple to follow THEIR traditions. That's a hurt waiting to happen.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

My IL's and my parents have rather different traditions and it's impossible for us to follow all of both. So we pick & choose which of his family's traditions to carry on, which of mine, and where we decide to diverge from both to make our own traditions.

 

I have a good relationship with my IL's most of the time. Right now things are a bit strained with my MIL because she has turned into Mom-of-Bridezilla the past couple of months. :glare: I don't know how much of it is SIL putting her up to it and how much is MIL (DH and I suspect a bit of both).

[MinivanMom]

< Do not expect your traditions to be carried on by your son and HIS family, and do not expect to be included in their traditions >

 

Do you agree with this or disagree, or somewhere in between? For perspective, could you please add what kind of relationship you have with your ILs or dh has with your parents.

 

I agree with this statement, but I would alter son to children. I don't think it's reasonable to expect our children to carry on our traditions or to expect them to include extended family in all of their new traditions. If we expect nothing, then we can be pleasantly surprised when they continue some of our traditions and include us in some of their traditions. It's important to remember that a husband and wife may have vastly different traditions, making it impossible to continue all traditions or include all extended family all of the time. If they take some traditions from each spouse and come up with a few new traditions of their own then of course they can only continue a few traditions from each family. Since mom is often the one organizing that type of stuff, sometimes more traditions from her background get carried on. I think the same goes for including extended family. I know couples who live far away from both sets of grandparents. Both sides want them to visit for a week long reunion every summer, but that takes all two weeks of the husband's vacation for the year with no time for their own family. Most women would visit their own family without their husband, but many wouldn't feel comfortable doing this with their in-laws . . . so, yeah, sometimes the paternal extended family doesn't get as much. It's usually not out of spite, though.

 

(I'm not picking on the person who posted this, just feeling a bit blue over the prospect of such a possibility.)

 

Personally, the idea that my kids might not carry on any of our traditions and might not include us in any of *their* traditions makes me feel a bit teary, but what do I know? I'm not there yet.

 

I don't think you should think about it that way. You are giving your children a full and happy childhood full of loving memories. It's great if they carry on some of those traditions, but it's okay if they don't. Either way you gave them love and memories. The love they give their own children is a reflection of that, even if it's communicated through different traditions.

 

I know that I had great relationships with both my parents and dh's parents, and while we haven't carried on all the family traditions, we have carried on a number of them, and we most certainly have included both sets of parents in a lot of our family's doings. All things being equal, then, wouldn't it be reasonable to expect that my kids will find a similar balance?

 

Sniff, sniff...

 

I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect your kids to find the same balance. They are different people than you and their future families will have a different atmosphere than your family. They have to find their own balance. Some couples want to include the grandparents in every single thing and other couples seem to need their space. If you go into it expecting them to do things the way you did, then you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

 

I have to confess that my own in-laws are ones who expected their children to do every single thing exactly the way they did it and to include them in every single thing. They push, they harass, and they bully in an effort to get their way. In the beginning of our marriage we favored them over my family and jumped through their hoops, because it was the easiest way to keep the peace. Nothing made them happy, though. Now we are estranged (although there's much more to that story, obviously). My husband's two sisters have both moved 2000 miles away from them to get a little space. It's sad, but my in-laws still don't get it. They just don't understand why their children "exclude" them or why they aren't allowed to raise their grandchildren (and, yes, that is their stated desire). I'm enjoying my family now. This is my chance to raise my children and create traditions. My children will raise my grandchildren.

[sassenach]

I agree with the statement. I would be crushed if they didn't include me in their lives, but not bothered at all if they had unique family traditions that didn't include me.

[Virg]

This reminds me of the saying, " A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son 'til he takes a wife."

 

My experience has been that sons are more likely to go along with their wives and their traditions. I think it depends a lot on where they live in proximity, how nice the in-laws are about it and what the traditions are.

 

My family goes along with all of my traditions for two main reasons; the traditions in my family were VERY strong and his family hates me. Growing up we had very set traditions that were tons of fun and I carried them onto my twins as a single mom and now to my family. (My brother on the other hand I can totally see ditching it all and letting his wife decide on all traditions.) Having his family dislike me and my DH taking my side (thank God!) has made it uncomfortable to participate in their traditions and theirs aren't as deep set.

 

I think (IME) another big reason is lots of men (not all) including my DH don't care all that much about holidays and seem to have NO idea how much work it takes to pull them off. They just let their wives do it all and then show up :)

 

 

I have learned from my experience though! I won't expect anything! I will welcome whomever my boys (girls of course too) marry with open arms even if I can't stand them, and I will be as understanding and accommodating as possible. I want to see my grandchildren lots!

[Impish]

I think the important word is expect.

Bingo.

 

Hope, pray, all good. But when you start putting expectations on other adults, thats when things can head south in a heartbeat.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I think it more along the lines that you can't expect things to stay the same.

 

It is silly to expect that when you add a new family member (DIL or SIL) that the family dynamic won't alter a bit, and you have to assume that there will be a few transition years while everyone figures out what works best.

 

I hope to keep all of our traditions fluid enough to allow for change in the family and still have a lovely time.

[Cera]

I think that is a very fair statement. It is the expectation of things that causes problems I think.

 

My husbands parents are divorced so I have two MIL's (they divorced when he was very young and he thinks of his stepmother as a mother).

 

I am very close with one set of inlaws. That MIL was at the birth of each of our children and we call her at least twice a week and make an effort to see her regularly and they are very close to our kids.

 

I am not close to the other set of inlaws. I make a cursory call at necessary holidays if my husband isn't around to do it. I haven't seen them in years and they have no relationship with our kids.

 

The only real difference between the two sets is that the MIL I am close to welcomed me in to the family as I am with no expectations and has always been happy to work with us to let us live our lives as we see fit. She is very happy to let us make our own choices. The other MIL is very controlling as far as what choices we should be making and has no qualms about telling us we are wrong.

 

I am now getting divorced and do not expect to ever talk to the MIL we haven't gotten along with again. The other MIL and I have already discussed our places in each others lives even though I will not be married to her son and I fully expect us to maintain a relationship and to share my children with her.

[BeckyFL]

What I'm thinking.... They are OUR traditions. If the kids enjoyed them and they meant a lot to them, they will continue them. If their spouse has a different tradition or they want to make a new one, they might not continue with ours. It's just a tradition. I don't want to be the mother-in-law who cries because things aren't being done the way that we did them. That only creates distance, resentment, etc. We just really have to realize that they have their own lives now and they will make their own decisions. I don't want to add pressure or guilt! If I do, I might not be seeing them as often as I would like!

 

There are a few things that I feel really strongly about... breast feeding and daycare are two of them. Honestly, I am just going to have to go into the whole experience being supportive of whatever they choose. If I'm asked, I can give my thoughts. I think we'll be asked more often if we aren't the ones expecting everything to be done that way that WE want them. kwim? The way that I see it is that my job is to encourage, exhort, to come up alongside with help when I am asked for it, but to continue to love and respect when I'm not asked.

[TheReader]

I'm not entirely sure how to answer.

 

DH & I did not really carry on either of our parents traditions exactly, but set out to merge them and create our own. So, if either his mom or mine showed up and observed unaware, our home would not reflect what either of us grew up with. As far as I know, both our moms are okay with that.

 

Likewise, I would hope that my boys are not so set on doing things "just like Mom did" once they marry that they won't bend and incorporate whatever traditions are important to their future wives. I've had certain things thrust upon me because That Is The Way It Is (ie, handed down via dh by his mom), though not in relation to holidays, and it feels awful to be the wife/new partner and know that your MIL still has more pull over her boy/your husband than you do. And that such thing is being done only because that's how she did it and no other reason matters (nor can argument be heard on the thing). So, I hope my boys don't ever do that to their wives, about holidays or anything else.

 

As far as incorporating our moms/in-laws into our new traditions (or my boys one day including us in theirs), if I'm reading the original statement correctly I'm picturing things like, "Hey, Mom, we've made a tradition with the kids that every Christmas Eve Eve we'll decorate gingerbread houses and cookies, and *of course!* we want you to come over and be a part of that!"

 

If that's what is meant in the original statement, I have to say I don't see that as realistic. Even when we lived in the same town as both our moms, we had 4 sets of parents to contend with (my divorced parents, his divorced parents). And of course we each have a sibling who's married w/kids. So, us creating a new tradition such as Gingerbread Houses 2 nights before Christmas is just not something it would ever dawn on me to invite any of the grandparents over for, ya know?

 

But, if the original statement meant things like creating a time/space/day to include the grandparents in our holiday festivities (going to Grandma's for Christmas Eve, for ex; or spending Thanksgiving always with this grandma, not that one, or whatever) then yes, of course we find ways to see our parents at holidays (as we're able).

 

Now, what that looks like for us here is Skyping the grandparents and opening presents over video. Or calling on birthdays. Or things like that. No big fancy (or even little but meaningful) traditions, just "Christmas, let's go visit Grandma" type things. And I guess that's all the expectation or hope I have for my boys; it's hard to fit 2 sets of parents (his and hers) into your new life.

 

I know that accommodating all the parents is HARD for us, and I appreciate those of our parents who accept, gladly, that they will see us a week before or after the Big Event and not the day of, vs. those of our parents who moan and groan and guilt trip because we left too early from their house on Christmas Eve to go to another obligation and get the kids home and in bed in time for Santa/Mom & Dad to do our thing.

 

I guess rather than building up expectations of how I hope my boys will be, or in what ways they'll include me in their lives, I just focus on the relationship I/we have with each of them now and trust that the good relationship will hold true once they're adults and married with children of their own. And I focus on how I want to behave as the MIL so that my DIL appreciates me and feels comfortable enough to welcome me into their home or to put me off a day or two because she knows I'm the mom who won't be angry or hurt not to be seen at 8 am on Christmas Day, ya know? Rather worry about the part I can control (my response and relationship with these people) than the part I can't control (what their future lives might look like).

[myfunnybunch]

I agree, sort of. When my sons marry, I expect that they will want to continue some of our family traditions, incorporate traditions from their wives' families, and create some of their own. Actually, I expect the same will happen in our daughters' marriages as well.

 

An awful lot of conflict between MIL/DIL seems to arise when MIL expects that DIL will be a wife and mother in exactly the same way the MIL was a wife and mother. I will be sad at not spending holidays exactly the same way, or if my children give up some of the family traditions that we have loved together. But I will have had my time to create the family life I want and love; they will need their time to create their dreams, hopefully with someone they cherish enough to respect and incorporate their dreams and traditions too.

 

But I get where you're coming from. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[RahRah]

DH and I have similar backgrounds and pretty close to same holiday traditions, that we're carrying on and also adding to or eliminating things we didn't really like or think necessary.

 

We live only a mile or so from his parents, they're a tad annoying, but we include them if we're in town (DH isn't particularly close to his mom, but is with his dad) - but since MIL tries to orchestrate our lives according to her wants and needs, and can e very difficult when she doesn't get her way or she feels slighted in any way (even perceived slights that aren't there), we've started to actually go away on holidays when we can to escape her demands (no flames please!) on holidays. We've tried to do things with them, but it's always too much drama for the holidays and that is NOT the tradition we want our kids to remember.

 

My parents live on the east coast, so they try to do every other year here for things like Christmas or Thanksgiving - if they come for Thanksgiving, we won't see them at Christmas, my sister will and vice versa the next year. A couple of years ago we did a destination Christmas, so my parents and my sister and her family were all there - it was really nice, but expensive!

[Nestof3]

I would say I agree with that statement. Having raised one to 21, I realize that he and his future wife are going to figure out how to do things that works for the two of them. I am sure they will not model ours in every way.

 

I'm fine with that. I would not be married to someone who just does things the way he was brought up without including me in on those tradition decisions. He and his wife will have to decide how to celebrate things, how to raise their children, and what works for their marriage. I have felt the annoyance of family members not agreeing with us, so I don't want my sons to feel that.

 

I am more concerned about who he chooses for his future wife. :glare: That's where I am right now.

[eternalknot]

< Do not expect your traditions to be carried on by your son and HIS family, and do not expect to be included in their traditions >

 

Do you agree with this or disagree, or somewhere in between? For perspective, could you please add what kind of relationship you have with your ILs or dh has with your parents.

 

I disagreed with it when I first read it, and disagree with it still. More than that, though, I find it sad that this is the prevailing belief (here or anywhere.)

 

I won't apologize for having expectations of my son, or of my daughter for that matter. That's not to say that those expectations will be realized ... or that they come with contingencies or guilt, but those expectations are definitely there. Openly there, even now and my eldest is but 10 years old.

 

I do not think it's a gender thing. I have four brothers and four sisters, and we've all coupled with people whose traditions aren't as strong as are ours ... whose family relationships aren't as tightly knit as are ours. Everyone who married into our family has pretty much taken on our traditions and ways as the dominant influence within their smaller nuclear families. They've all added bits and pieces from their own families of origin and traditions, and maybe we're the odd bunch that does include our entire extended family in the mix.

 

People who have married my siblings routinely attend events held by people related to my husband (get that? My brothers' wives get together with my husband's aunts and even with my husband's sister's husband's family!) My husband's grandmother's annual Catholic, Slavic feast day party wouldn't be the same without my 90 year old Buddhist Asian grandmother in attendance. My grandmother flies in just for it every year, and has for the past 15.

 

I do expect my children to carry on my traditions, and to include me in the traditions shared by their future families. No, not all of our traditions - and certainly not at the expense of their partners' - but yes, some of our traditions should be represented. And yes, I expect that our family bonds are such that my kids will continue the 'tradition' (if you will) of including our extended family in this very important area of life -- even if they marry outside of our culture. Maybe I'm setting myself up for disappointment, only time will tell. But even if that's the case, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it rather than letting the vague possibility of such bridge alter my expectations in and of the present.

 

(FWIW I married someone of a different race, faith, and from a different continent so I know it can be accomplished ... if it's wanted to be.)

[Night Elf]

This reminds me of the saying, " A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son 'til he takes a wife."

 

My mom once said that to my sister as a compliment that she appreciated the nice relationship they had. My sister, who had an infant son, took it as an insult and was totally ticked off at my mom for being so insensitive.

 

Anyway, I thought long and hard about that saying. What does it really mean? To me, it gives the impression that a daughter should still listen to her parents while a son is expected to become his own person and the head of his own family. But if he marries someone's daughter, how does that work? Does his wife listen to him or to her parents? It's an interesting debate.

[mcconnellboys]

Well, I hope that we might have some traditions that my children will want to continue along with us, but if they want to adopt new ones, that will be okay, too, as long as we're included. It's not the "tradition" or the doing of a "thing" that matters to me, it's the togetherness....

[Rosie_0801]

I agree with the statement, but I won't say that it wouldn't hurt either way!

 

:iagree: I think if I want my kids to visit me, I should be nice to them, and really, really nice to my son and daughter in law. I'm thinking this is the reason grandmas traditionally bake cookies. :D

 

My inlaws decided they didn't like me before we even met and talk to their son as though they are filling out a survey form, but grumble that he doesn't show up often. :rolleyes: That saying " A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son 'til he takes a wife" is a self fulfilling prophecy- around here, anyway. It's really not a good idea to suggest to your son's SO that you care far more about him than she does :lol:

 

Lucky for me, I had a set of fabulous grandparents, so I am pretty sure I learned how to be a fabulous grandma too. The key seems to be:

 

1. Be nice to your children and sons in law; be especially nice to your daughters in law.

2. Have a house full of things that may be touched.

3. Say "Oh! Is that so?" in a very sincere manner whenever your grandkids present any newly learned fact.

3. Provide apple pie and ice cream with every meal.

 

Or so I learned from my grandparents :D

 

:)

Rosie

[Murphy101]

What traditions are we talking?

 

I expect them to retain the Catholic faith and raise my grandchildren catholic.

 

I expect them to always have each others back whenever possible and to unite in crisis.

 

I expect to them to care about and share in major events in each others lives as much as they are able.

 

I would like them to make an effort to communicate with each other and me.

 

I might not be able to share in all their traditions, but I still hope to hear about their lives.

 

For example someone mentioned making Ginger bread houses. Sure I don't need to be there, but I'd love a phone call telling me about it. Or pictures.

 

I'd love to have them all come over for each holiday, but I know that isn't likely to be realistic and I'd rather have a great close talk on the phone regularly and enjoy visits when we can relationship with my grown children and their spouses than argue over how to celebrate Christmas.

[arghmatey]

< Do not expect your traditions to be carried on by your son and HIS family, and do not expect to be included in their traditions >

 

Do you agree with this or disagree, or somewhere in between? For perspective, could you please add what kind of relationship you have with your ILs or dh has with your parents.

 

(I'm not picking on the person who posted this, just feeling a bit blue over the prospect of such a possibility.)

 

Personally, the idea that my kids might not carry on any of our traditions and might not include us in any of *their* traditions makes me feel a bit teary, but what do I know? I'm not there yet.

 

I know that I had great relationships with both my parents and dh's parents, and while we haven't carried on all the family traditions, we have carried on a number of them, and we most certainly have included both sets of parents in a lot of our family's doings. All things being equal, then, wouldn't it be reasonable to expect that my kids will find a similar balance?

 

Sniff, sniff...

 

I don't feel picked on! Lol

 

The key word is "expect". SO and I carry on some of our parents' traditions, but we come up with many of our own.

 

We usually include our parents.

 

The point is, many MILs attempt to force their grown children into their own traditions, and that's a really good way to drive away your DIL. It comes across as entitlement, and the pushback usually doesn't end in the MIL's favor.

 

I am a member of an advice board for DIL's, and this is a huge issue.

[arghmatey]

I used the word "son" because the poster was a mother of boys--only boys, no daughters. Applied to others, yes, it should be "children".

[meggie]

I disagreed with it when I first read it, and disagree with it still. More than that, though, I find it sad that this is the prevailing belief (here or anywhere.)

 

I won't apologize for having expectations of my son, or of my daughter for that matter. That's not to say that those expectations will be realized ... or that they come with contingencies or guilt, but those expectations are definitely there. Openly there, even now and my eldest is but 10 years old.

 

I do not think it's a gender thing. I have four brothers and four sisters, and we've all coupled with people whose traditions aren't as strong as are ours ... whose family relationships aren't as tightly knit as are ours. Everyone who married into our family has pretty much taken on our traditions and ways as the dominant influence within their smaller nuclear families. They've all added bits and pieces from their own families of origin and traditions, and maybe we're the odd bunch that does include our entire extended family in the mix.

 

People who have married my siblings routinely attend events held by people related to my husband (get that? My brothers' wives get together with my husband's aunts and even with my husband's sister's husband's family!) My husband's grandmother's annual Catholic, Slavic feast day party wouldn't be the same without my 90 year old Buddhist Asian grandmother in attendance. My grandmother flies in just for it every year, and has for the past 15.

 

I do expect my children to carry on my traditions, and to include me in the traditions shared by their future families. No, not all of our traditions - and certainly not at the expense of their partners' - but yes, some of our traditions should be represented. And yes, I expect that our family bonds are such that my kids will continue the 'tradition' (if you will) of including our extended family in this very important area of life -- even if they marry outside of our culture. Maybe I'm setting myself up for disappointment, only time will tell. But even if that's the case, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it rather than letting the vague possibility of such bridge alter my expectations in and of the present.

 

(FWIW I married someone of a different race, faith, and from a different continent so I know it can be accomplished ... if it's wanted to be.)

 

Do you mean expect as in you have no reason to doubt that it will happen or expect as in if it doesn't happen, you will try to make it happen? What would you do if your children and his/her spouses decided to not follow any of your traditions? Would you say, "Well they're adults, they can live as they please" or would you complain, nag or otherwise try to manipulate them to do what you want? I hope this doesn't come across as snarky, I'm genuinely curious.

 

I have no doubt that my children will continue on with some of our traditions, but I won't ever try to force them to do any of them. Is that what you mean?

[Gratia271]

< Do not expect your traditions to be carried on by your son and HIS family, and do not expect to be included in their traditions >

 

Do you agree with this or disagree, or somewhere in between? For perspective, could you please add what kind of relationship you have with your ILs or dh has with your parents.

 

(I'm not picking on the person who posted this, just feeling a bit blue over the prospect of such a possibility.)

 

Personally, the idea that my kids might not carry on any of our traditions and might not include us in any of *their* traditions makes me feel a bit teary, but what do I know? I'm not there yet.

 

I know that I had great relationships with both my parents and dh's parents, and while we haven't carried on all the family traditions, we have carried on a number of them, and we most certainly have included both sets of parents in a lot of our family's doings. All things being equal, then, wouldn't it be reasonable to expect that my kids will find a similar balance?

 

Sniff, sniff...

 

It is difficult for me to answer this insofar as I am married to a man who doesn't have a relationship with his parents. Sadly, he was not what they wanted him to be so there was no real relationship from about middle school forward, unless you count abuse. Their religion precluded them from accepting a son who disagreed with them. To this day, I am surprised that a mother would rather lose a son than respect his right to his own beliefs. I wasn't surprised by his father, whose vision of a son was realized in the firstborn. Too bad for the other three sons he went on to have.

 

In any case, they "credit" me with the loss of their son. The fact is they would not relent on trying to make him something he wasn't. The last time I talked to his mother I was 18 years old sitting in her living room when she asked me what she could do to heal the relationship with him. I told her she could either accept him for who he was, or she would lose him. She chose her religion over her relationship. Her choice... her loss.

 

Years later they took interest in us again when they discovered we had children. When oldest was five years old, they sent her a birthday card. I''ll never forgot her reaction. She said, "Daddy, if they didn't want you, why would they want me because I am yours?"

 

Regarding DH relationship with my parents, they are truly his parents now. My mom was also rejected by her biological parents (raised by an aunt), and there has always been a deep bond between them. I sometimes think she likes him more than me. :tongue_smilie:

 

Regarding traditions, we have many of our own traditions alongside those we grew up with. We just go with the flow and create new traditions as we go. I don't care a whit about my children adopting our traditions; it would break my heart to not be part of their lives just as I know it would break my parents' heart to not be part of our lives. For me, family is everything... and that it includes all generations that are living. We are together a lot, though we have our space too.

 

Given my husband's upbringing, we try every.single.day to let our children know that they are loved and accepted for who they are and regardless of what they do. Hopefully, that will spill over into loving relationships with the partners they choose one day (far in the distant future:tongue_smilie:) .

[elfgivas]

expectations aren't so helpful, i don't think.

 

being kind, loving, giving, welcoming, interested ..... with our parents and our children now, will lead to good relationships later. what those relationships look like will depend on so many things. i reckon we raise them, love them, and let them go.... mostly, they come back.

 

we seem to have good relationships with our inlaws and son in law and married daughter.... its fun when they carry on some of our traditions, but not at all necessary. their call. but we're all pretty intentional about behaving towards one another in a loving fashion.... whatever we determine that to be at the time.

 

i really do think that having great relationships with our parents that our kids see, and having great relationships with our children now is where i want to put my energy..... then whatever will be will be down the road.

 

fwiw,

ann

[kolamum]

Yes, I fully agree with it. While I might hope that the fun things we've done with them as children would be carried on, I respect the fact that the spouse coming into my children's relationships will bring their own traditions with them.

 

That likely means there'd be a merging of the two traditions and they'll settle on something completely different. Let's just hope that as Grandma{s} we can make our own traditions with our grandbabies ;)

[eternalknot]

Do you mean expect as in you have no reason to doubt that it will happen or expect as in if it doesn't happen, you will try to make it happen? What would you do if your children and his/her spouses decided to not follow any of your traditions? Would you say, "Well they're adults, they can live as they please" or would you complain, nag or otherwise try to manipulate them to do what you want? I hope this doesn't come across as snarky, I'm genuinely curious.

 

I have no doubt that my children will continue on with some of our traditions, but I won't ever try to force them to do any of them. Is that what you mean?

 

I definitely didn't read any snark in your words, and I do believe that it's a question sparked from genuine curiosity :).

 

I don't mean expect in either of those ways -- it's not an issue of doubt (or security) nor will it become an issue of force (or allowance). I expect this of my kids much the same way that I expect them to .... say, wash their hands after using the toilet. Or to leave their shoes by the door. I fully expect that they will continue many of our family's traditions in this same manner ... it's just what I expect them to do! Will they necessarily do it? No, not necessarily. That doesn't change my expectation of them, though. If my son wears his shoes inside because "real quickly" he needs to run in and grab something from the table and he's too lazy to remove his shoes, he has not fulfilled my expectation ... but my expectations don't and haven't changed. I still expect him to remove his shoes before coming into the house. I don't nag, I don't manipulate, ... but I do re-state the expectation and I don't hide my disappointment. Once I've said my piece, it's done with until the next offense - at which point we do the dance all over again.

 

This is how I assume we'll continue to treat these things, even as the issues become larger and perhaps more emotionally-charged. It's how things work currently within my larger, extended family. I have a good model from which to follow.

 

I don't know that this makes it any clearer LOL. Sometimes my expectations leave me disappointed; sometimes they don't. Either way, they are what they are ... and they are no secret to anyone. What's important to me is my family. I'm not going to sacrifice my kids on the altar of our traditions. That said, I'm also not going to hide or deny my expectation that these kids have a duty to the family that sometimes supercedes their own individual desires. It's not popular 'round these parts, but it's how we do it. I don't expect 100% compliance, but I do expect some. On the big issues, and with the big traditions.

 

If my kids chose to not follow any of our traditions, I'd respect the distance they were putting between us. To not follow any tradition would sting like the slap in the face it's intended to be; to me that's very different from marrying together a variety of traditions brought to the relationship by each of the couple. I'd probably go all Joy Luck Club mom if that were to happen; unapologetically. That's a different thing entirely, though, IMO.

[tex-mex]

Well, I think you'll have more luck with your daughters carrying on your traditions than your sons. He will just naturally follow the lead of his wife on family traditions and they will probably be those that her family followed.

 

I also think that whether or not in-laws will be included in their children's families and traditions hinges almost completely on the behavior of the in-laws. I also think that young families need time to bond and find their own identity. Sometimes that means NOT including the in-laws.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[nd293]

We certainly haven't consciously carried on traditions from our parents, but I suppose some of them do continue. But we have definitely sought to include my mother where practical.

 

I guess if I were going to rewrite that statement it would read:

 

< Do not expect your traditions to be carried on by your son and HIS family, and be willing to choose to be included in their traditions even if it means relinquishing some of your own >

 

For instance, we grew up celebrating Christmas as a large extended family gathering, so when dh and I began to live together we chose to have a dinner and gift exchange on Christmas Eve, as that was more personal than the wonderful but chaotic family Christmas. My Mom joined us in that, even though it was not a tradition in our house growing up.

[mom31257]

When you marry someone you become a member of the spouse's family. I think you should be included in their traditions, at least your spouse should be included in your own, and you should probably create some unique to the two of you.

 

I don't know if a MIL said this to a future DIL or the other way around, but if my future MIL said that to me, I would have seriously questioned my decision to marry her son. I would not want to be a part of a family with that attitude.

[Mrs Mungo]

We carry on some traditions from each side of the family, we also have our own.

 

Our parents are not much involved because we have never lived near them.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I have always found that it is much better for me not to have expectations of people. People are people and they will delightfully surprise or horribly disappoint you in any number of circumstances. Your children are the same way. All you can do is impart your knowledge, morals and traditions and hope they turn out the way you would like.

 

Being in an interreligious marriage has both my spouse and I doing things differently from our traditions. We have received some negative input from both mothers, but we're still going to do things our way. They have learned to keep their opinions to themselves for the most part in order to have a continued relationship with their grandchildren.

 

I expect my children to make different choices than I would. If they choose to have different traditions than we have, I may be a little sad that that phase of my life is over, and may hope they include me in their new traditions, but I would not expect it.

[keptwoman]

I think that part of becoming a family is creating your own traditions. Usually they are a combination of traditions handed down from one or other of the extended families as well as completely new ones.

I expect my children to have their own family traditions, where they come from is anyones guess. I do think the wife has the largest say in how families operate and what traditions they follow. I hope that my boys wives will want us involved in their lives and to that end I hope that I can be a good MIL who does not annoy the DIL, but I don't know how easy that will be since annoying MILs seem almost universal.

[keptwoman]

There are a few things that I feel really strongly about... breast feeding and daycare are two of them. Honestly, I am just going to have to go into the whole experience being supportive of whatever they choose. If I'm asked, I can give my thoughts. I think we'll be asked more often if we aren't the ones expecting everything to be done that way that WE want them. kwim? The way that I see it is that my job is to encourage, exhort, to come up alongside with help when I am asked for it, but to continue to love and respect when I'm not asked.

 

Right with you on this one. If I have a DIL or DD who does not commit to breastfeeding, I'm going to have a really rough time keeping my mouth shut and I suspect DH will hear a LOT of venting. Actually, knowing his opinion on the issue, it might be me making him be quiet, he is very vocal about the benefits of breastfeeding. At least we'll be able to rant to each other :tongue_smilie:

[Donna]

I hope my children make their own traditions with their own families when the time comes. If they decide to carry on with some of our traditions or their spouses' family traditions that would be fine as well. I do hope to be included in their lives, though.

 

I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. They live 4 miles away and are involved in our everyday lives and I wouldn't want it any other way. We chose to live where we live specifically so my kids could grow up knowing their grandparents the way they do.

 

My husband's mother has passed and his father choses not to be involved in our lives though he has always been welcomed and doesn't live far away (45 min) but that is his own loss...he's too involved in his own life to be in anyone else's which is very sad.

[Trish]

I think it's nice that young, new families can establish traditions all their own. It's also nice when they choose to carry on certain traditions that they value from their own childhoods. Including grandparents is a separate issue, but it's always nice to be included.

 

I reallly don't have particular expectations as to what my kids will or won't carry forward into their own families. I don't do everything the way my parents did, why would they?

[Murphy101]

Right with you on this one. If I have a DIL or DD who does not commit to breastfeeding, I'm going to have a really rough time keeping my mouth shut and I suspect DH will hear a LOT of venting. Actually, knowing his opinion on the issue, it might be me making him be quiet, he is very vocal about the benefits of breastfeeding. At least we'll be able to rant to each other :tongue_smilie:

 

I would really encourage breastfeeding, but otherwise I'd bite my tongue in understanding.

 

Now if they decide to be cry it out parents - oh no. It will take everything I have to not spaz. God forbid they go the ezzos/pearls route! I will NOT be able to keep quiet. I will probably alternate between deep concern, anger, and copious weeping.

 

I don't expect them to raise their kids exactly like we have. In fact, I hope they don't bc I hope they learn from our mistakes. But there are a very few select issues I'd have a very hard time with. Mostly bc consider it borderline abusive.

[katilac]

I expect them to retain the Catholic faith and raise my grandchildren catholic.

 

 

This caught my attention, b/c it was quickly followed by a post about a son who changed religions, and so his parents choose to have no relationship with him. What does it mean to expect that they will remain Catholic? Does it mean you will be disappointed if they don't, does it mean you will try to persuade them at first but will interact with them no matter what, or does it mean you will cut off ties? Other?

 

Right with you on this one. If I have a DIL or DD who does not commit to breastfeeding, I'm going to have a really rough time keeping my mouth shut and I suspect DH will hear a LOT of venting. Actually, knowing his opinion on the issue, it might be me making him be quiet, he is very vocal about the benefits of breastfeeding. At least we'll be able to rant to each other :tongue_smilie:

 

Oh, dear, please do try! I think this and the daycare post are classic examples of what causes ongoing strife and a lack of closeness (if the in-laws give their opinion). These decisions absolutely belong to the parents, and no one else. When the time comes, just remember that there's no way your own offspring aren't aware of your strong feelings already, so curb the desire to speak on the issue 'just one time, then I'll let it go.' (I'm using the inclusive 'you' here, not addressing anyone in particular). Realize that they already know how you feel, and have taken that into account as much as they are willing to do.

 

A good counter-example would be in-laws who have very strong feelings about public school, and have a very rough time keeping their mouths shut and not telling you why should send your kids. Don't they sound like fun? :tongue_smilie: