Does "It takes a village" include

[Jean in Newcastle]

the idea of other people in your community correcting your child? When you are there? Only when you're not there? Do you feel like you hold to "it takes a village" on some things but not on others? No agenda here . . . just wondering how this all hangs together.

[Georgiana Daniels]

My particular village includes close family or other adults we choose to leave our children with for a specific period of time (like Sunday school teachers.)

 

Random strangers? Not even a fat chance.

[Impish]

I've honestly never been of the 'village' mindset. I love the idea of a community, but I've never experienced it. Its just so far out of my experience that I can't honestly picture what it would be like.

 

Karyn can discipline my kids. She babysits them, and I trust her completely. Anyone else? *snort*

[Joker]

I know growing up that close friends, family or people from our small town would correct us if we got out of line. I never remember anyone doing this in front of my parents. I would not be ok with someone I don't know correcting my child in front of me. Trying to help me would be fine, but not actually speaking to and correcting my child while I stand next to them.

[ocelotmom]

Correcting other people's children for the health and safety of everyone involved, when certain values are known to be shared, or with an otherwise genuine desire to be helpful? Sure.

 

Correcting other people's children because they're not living up to your subjective values or with a goal of shaming their parents? No.

[Elizabeth in WA]

Well, as I said int he other square, I am not a fan of "It takes a village." However, I do think children's behavior in the public square is open to public comment even when their parent(s) is present and that this can be very helpful to children who for whatever reason (including special needs like Asperger's) are oblivious to societal expectations and general public reaction to their behavior. I don't think this is a judgment on the parenting skills of the parent, present or otherwise, but a fact of behaving in such as way as to draw negative attention to oneself in a public place. I suppose I see this as an extension of natural consequences: public correction is a natural consequence of public misbehavior.

[RanchGirl]

When out and about in the world, I only correct other people's children in cases of urgent safety issues, and then afterward I let the parent know what happened and why I felt i had to step in immediately. I do try to gently guide the friends of my children when they are specifically in my care (overnights, carrides, etc.), but again the focus is mainly safety and also keeping things running smoothly, making sure everyone is are warm and safe and happy - don't forget your snow boots, yes you need to wear long pants since it's 40 degrees out - that kind of stuff.

 

General behavior/attitude is really up to the parent IMO. I wouldn't want my friends to try to train my children or deal with ongoing behavior, but I would want them to let me know if they observed an ongoing problem. It really peeves me when total strangers try to butt into a situation they know nothing about, especially when I am right there overseeing things.

 

An example of a safety issue (and also protecting my own child): once at a football game I told someone else's child to stop climbing onto the top of a portapottie (that my child happened to be inside), apparently in order to see inside. Actually I had rather strong words for the child, I was quite hot about it. When I saw him again at a basketball game a few days later, I sought out the mother to explain to her what happened and why I spoke to him harshly. He (naturally) hadn't mentioned the incident to her at all! She thanked me and apologized on her son's behalf. He did not apologize to my son, nor did she ask him to. Thankfully, we don't run into them often and this child is not part of my son's circle of friends.

[ChristusG]

I don't really like the village LOL. I have to approve the members of my small, intimate village that I allow to correct or discipline my children. Close, trusted family members, Sunday school teachers, etc. Random people whom I have no idea of their moral values....no, I don't want to give them a part of helping to raise my children.

[regentrude]

I expect others to correct children when safety is at stake and an immediate response is necessary: if they see a child in harms way, or a child on the verge of harming another child, they should step in and say something. Whether the mother is there and inattentive, or whether the kid is alone, makes no difference.

I have interfered in stick battles that got dangerous, have stopped little kids from running into a lake or in the street, have taken dangerous items from toddlers who were not mine.

 

I think others should speak up if a child's behavior is affecting them: strangers do not have to tolerate a child who is rude to them or their kids, or who is destroying their or their kid's property. There are certain societal norms about behaving towards one another, and if the parent does not take care of that, the other adult is perfectly entitled to tell the kid.

 

The "villager", IMO, is NOT entitled to push her personal values on a stranger's child. I do NOT appreciate my DD getting told she will go to h*ll for wearing pants (this happened, seriously). They should not interfere with my kids' nutrition or the way they dress or what they read.

[Mejane]

I think if a child throws a plate of nicely-prepared food to the floor and the mom doesn't correct him, the village should feel free to. ;)

[Sebastian (a lady)]

the idea of other people in your community correcting your child? When you are there? Only when you're not there? Do you feel like you hold to "it takes a village" on some things but not on others? No agenda here . . . just wondering how this all hangs together.

 

I think there is a difference between correcting and denigrating.

 

And I think that the approach at a common event (scouting, church outing, hs group field trip) can assume a closer bond than if it is just a random encounter at a public place (a store, a park). Likewise if the kid is someone you know (child of a friend) rather than an anonymous child.

 

I have, for example, asked kids I knew in our neighborhood where their bike helmet was. And I would mention it to their parent next time I said it. Not in a snarky way, but just as a passing comment. On the other hand, the neighbors pretty much remembered my ds going to the ER after wrecking his bike.

 

FWIW, we were on the receiving end of some correction this weekend at the end of a scout campout. One of my kids had to be counseled for something that was probably unintentional and thoughtless, but that was perceived as something else. I hope that he takes the correction to heart. It is an area I've been warning him about for a while. In this case, I think he did need the outside correction to drive home the idea that this habit he's picked up isn't appreciated by others.

 

Were my kids doing something wrong while playing in the neighborhood or visiting the library, I would appreciate another adult stopping to tell them what they are doing is unsafe or a nuisance. And I would hope to get a polite heads up from the other adult too.

 

But as a disclaimer, we've spent that last ten years or so living in either military housing or government housing overseas. It was driven home to us that we were living in a fishbowl and that the poor actions of one military member or American would reflect poorly on all (it's not unknown for a base in Japan to have several days of lockdown, where there is not liberty, after an altercation involving a military member). I made sure that my kids read every single article about the teens at a nearby base who pulled a prank that nearly killed a Japanese woman and resulted in one of the teens being tried for attempted murder. (They strung a rope across a dark road, which she hit while riding a moped.)

[*Lulu*]

In some situations I have corrected other people's children in front of them. When I have it was either an issue of safety, (i.e. do not swing the baseball bat so close to your friend's head), property destruction, (i.e. do not break the legs off of the doll), or oblivion, (i.e. Mom is on the phone and does not realize that one sibling is torturing another, etc.). In the case of the latter, I have only corrected in cases where I knew pretty well how the parent would handle the situation.

 

Only once has a stranger stepped in to provide "discipline" to my children in a helpful way. When I was VERY pregnant with #3, my 20m.o. took off in a store; a sweet woman grabbed her before she could completely escape and told her very sternly how she had to stay with her mother. At that moment that woman was a real blessing.

[Liz CA]

the idea of other people in your community correcting your child? When you are there? Only when you're not there? Do you feel like you hold to "it takes a village" on some things but not on others? No agenda here . . . just wondering how this all hangs together.

 

I don't subscribe to the village principle. It is, however nice when neighbors have similar principles because then you maybe (just maybe) worry less about what the kids are hearing while they are playing in the neighbors' front yard.

When I was little, the whole town (the adults anyway :lol:) had pretty much the same core beliefs. That was LOOOOONG ago. :001_smile:

[eternalknot]

In my village it does.

 

I don't care of someone corrects my kid while I'm standing there. I may not always agree with someone's assessment of the situation (or of my kid), but I think the lesson there is that regardless of what I think my kids should know that there are (a range of) social standards in existence. The reality of life is that they won't grow up answering only to me, but to a larger society. It's important for me that they learn to be aware of how their behavior affects and is perceived by others, even if the end result is that we're okay with their behavior. It's the oblivion that I'm trying to avoid; the "I am an island unto myself" bubble that I see many adults waltzing through life in, seemingly unaware of the fact that the sun, moon and stars revolve collectively around all of us - not just one of us, in isolation, LOL. An example:

 

I've had strangers tell my daughter to stop singing (in line at the grocery store), clearly of the children are to be seen and not heard mindset. Honestly, if it was annoying to them it's good for her to be aware of that; she now has knowledge that she can either act on, or not, by stopping or by continuing as she was. It's easy for me to block out her noises, or consider them minor annoyances as opposed to major interruptions of my checkout-magazine-flipping or coupon-readying time. I don't make my daughter stop, nor do I defend her. I let her take in the situation and decide for herself what she'd like to do. Sometimes she'll continue to sing, albeit more quietly, and sometimes she'll stop entirely - just depends on her mood and the person she's interacting with. Either way, it's always an opportunity to discuss a myriad of related topics once we're back in private -- our manners, the manners of others, awareness of others, respect for others, et cetera, taking into account both our behavior as well as the other person's.

 

FWIW I come from a culture where children answer to all adults, not just ones that birthed them. I had no problems with it as a child, so it's something that doesn't register wrong to me as an adult. I've observed that the way one views the Village's responsibilities or parameters is very intertwined with her culture - be it ethnic, regional, or even class, among other things. My kids' dad still gets upset when people in my own family discipline our kids; to me that seems a natural extention of my siblings' obligation to helping raise the children in our extended family. He grew up in a small, white, upper-middle class family, which was not my childhood experience at all.

[Mommy22alyns]

I don't care for "the village." It's pretty much outside my realm of experience too. I have only corrected someone else's child once, when they pushed my children out of their chairs onto the floor. :glare:

[Dolphin]

Correcting other people's children for the health and safety of everyone involved, when certain values are known to be shared, or with an otherwise genuine desire to be helpful? Sure.

 

Correcting other people's children because they're not living up to your subjective values or with a goal of shaming their parents? No.

:iagree:

[Hoggirl]

but every time I see the "It takes a village" comment, I always think, "Yeah, well there's likely a village idiot or two in there as well!" :D

 

I'm silly.

[Sputterduck]

I *love* it when people correct my child! It is GREAT for him to have it reinforced that people other than me have expectations about his behavior. Love it. It's a great day when it happens.

[Liz CA]

but every time I see the "It takes a village" comment, I always think, "Yeah, well there's likely a village idiot or two in there as well!" :D

 

I'm silly.

 

Or perhaps very much spot on!

[Farrar]

It's hard to define exactly...

 

But, if I'm not right there, then sure, correct my kid about safety or rules. By all means. I would hope someone would! If I am there, and it's not absolutely urgent, I would prefer if people point it out to me (I might not know that, say, that step is loose so it's a bad idea to run there or something). But with close friends, like the other parents in my co-op (it's only a few families), then I would feel 100% fine with them correcting my kids directly and we've actually discussed this, so that helps make it clear. And we do it right in front of each other too.

 

The times when I feel like it gets weird or unclear are when strangers have a different idea of what's okay than I do. Like, I let my kids roam free and run around in places (parks, the arboretum, the Nat'l Mall) that they know well and I've had people who clearly think they're UNSAFE fuss at them to get back to their parents. If they're actually doing something wrong - harassing people, in people's way even, then that's one thing, but they're just running around trees or in circles in an open field or walking on a trail they have hiked a million times. :glare: I've had adults be intimidating to my kids and tell them they were doing something wrong when they absolutely were not. And I've had people try to get in between me and my kids when I'm trying to discipline them - like, they're doing something minor wrong at the library and I'm very obviously in the middle of giving it to them over it and the librarian comes over to fuss at them about it too, even though they've already stopped and I've clearly corrected them and they clearly look a bit ashamed. That's so not helpful.

 

So it's tough - people have different values and different ideas of what's safe or even different understandings of the rules of a place. Ugh, now I'm running over in my head all the adults who have tried to interfere in my parenting. A few weeks ago, I actually had a cab pull over and try to tell me not to let my kids wait at the curb without me. :glare:

[snickelfritz]

The "village" made up of people who know my child? Yes, I expect them to intervene. I would not expect them to do so if I am involved in the situation, unless safety is at stake. I see the benefit of this village being when I'm NOT around.

 

A stranger, in a non-safety scenario, when I'm involved in the situation? Um..... They aren't my village. I can see situations where parents could use help. To me, that would be someone already involved. Like the child's own cub scout leader.

Edited May 2, 2011 by snickelfritz

[Murphy101]

First off I don't buy into the whole village theory in general.

 

the idea of other people in your community correcting your child?

 

define "correcting"?

spanking? or giving other punishments? no.

telling my child to say "thank you" or "sorry" or "don't run inside" or "be nice" or other such comparable things? fine by me.

 

When you are there? Only when you're not there?

 

If I'm there, I probably view it as social affirmation.

Unless, of course, they are saying something I don't agree with, then I'll probably just roll my eyes.

If I'm not there, then my kid should follow the rules of those who are there or come home.

 

Do you feel like you hold to "it takes a village" on some things but not on others?

 

I don't hold to "it takes a village" at all. If someone says something, then it's conversation or opinion, not helping to raise my kids. If they think otherwise when they say something to me, then that's their ego problem.:)

 

I wouldn't view my telling a kid to mind their manners as me tryng to be a part of some village parenting network. Usually I view it as a polite way to get a kid being rude to stop being rude. Preferably the parent will step in or out or whatever to resolve the situation. If the parent disagrees with me, that's fine by me. Free country and all that. I have ZERO desire to parent kids that aren't mine.

[Photo Ninja]

I don't believe the "It takes a village to raise a child" is a true statement, so no, I don't buy into it. It doesn't take a village.

 

That said, if my child is in danger and for some reason I am not aware of it, I would hope that a responsible person would step in and get involved. This is not because 'it takes a village', but because it is the right thing to do. If my child is doing something wrong (really wrong, not just something that happens to bother one individual), then I hope that person will speak up to me, if I am there, but to my child if I am not.

 

The problem is that too often total strangers who try to correct a child are doing it because they personally don't like what the child is doing, not because the child is actually doing something wrong or dangerous.

 

I have always been fine with my friends correcting my child if I am not around to do it myself. I trust my friends and wouldn't leave my children with them if I didn't think they would share my values and behavioral expectations. I don't want my friends to allow my dc to behave incorrectly, and I want my dc to respect other adults who are appropriately correcting them.

[Remudamom]

My village knows me well enough to mind it's own business.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

My village knows me well enough to mind it's own business.

 

:lol:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know this is the second thread I've started about the village. It actually wasn't motivated by any other thread on the board. But I was raised in a country that "takes a village to raise it's children." If someone sees a child dancing around having to go to the bathroom, whoever's closest grabs the child and has them go (in the ditch in front of everyone!) It was actually a bit of a cultural struggle for me because inside my home we had the American autonomy and nuclear family, outside the home everyone was my "aunt", "uncle", "Grandma", "Grandpa". In this society, you learned to behave because everyone literally was watching you! (This was doubly true if you were a foreigner as I was.)

 

My dh's family's village is more centered around extended family. But they regularly swap children - even for a couple of years! if it is more convenient for one child to be in one location over another. When I was pregnant with ds13, my MIL told me that she would raise the baby so that I could work and I could have him on the weekends. It took me a long time to realize that this was not the same affront to boundaries because of the cultural understanding of family. (We still said, " No thank you.")

[bettyandbob]

If I'm not there and my dc is behaving inappropriately, I have no problem with another adult him/her "specific behavior" is wrong. For this I am imagining the 8-12 year child on the playground or at neighborhood pool without parent. Kids in this age group test things out. If I'm out with my dc on the playground and neighbor kid is cursing I have no problem telling him it's inappropriate. If my dc were doing and another parent heard him/her, I'd be glad if I found out later that someone called him/her on it.

 

If I'm there and someone doesn't like what my dc is doing, I'd want that adult to tell me so first.

 

I had a horrible experience 3 days ago. My youngest was attending an adaptive tumbling class for the first time. The gym facility was amazing, the coach was amazing. However, while there were a few 10-12 year old girls hanging out, I think they had an activity after ds. There was no adult for these girls (parent or coach). While the adaptive class was learning forward rolls across the gym one girl ran on to the mats in front the moms from the adaptive and said to her friends "do you think this should count as tumbling", she glanced at the adaptive class and proceeded to do an awkward forward roll and smirked. I desperately wanted to stand up and slap her. Instead I went to look for a coach/adult which I could not find. Since it was new environment for me I thought it would be more of scene to say something to her. If I'd been going to this class for a while I would have found a way to say something. And if my dd ever did anything so mocking and cruel, I'd want whoever witnessed to call her on it immediately.

 

When I was growing up, most places I went some adult knew me. That presence was an external control added to my internal controls to my behavior. It was a good check while I was testing the boundaries of independence. People move around so much these days, very often kids are in situations where no adults know them. And not knowing the kids makes an adult less likely to step in, so that external reminder to monitor behavior is gone. I think it adds to the reasons our society is less civil, and just plain meaner today.

[4everHis]

Correcting other people's children for the health and safety of everyone involved, when certain values are known to be shared, or with an otherwise genuine desire to be helpful? Sure.

 

Correcting other people's children because they're not living up to your subjective values or with a goal of shaming their parents? No.

 

Didn't think this would bother me if someone corrected my child, I'm pretty laid back and was raised in a village, but this almost sent me through the roof. I don't mind someone asking my kids to 'be quieter', 'don't run in the house' that kind of thing but this adult told my kid to sit down while dh & I were both standing there and it was obviously because they didn't like the way we were handling the situation. . .it's been over a year, I still feel frustrated.

[Rosie_0801]

Only once has a stranger stepped in to provide "discipline" to my children in a helpful way. When I was VERY pregnant with #3, my 20m.o. took off in a store; a sweet woman grabbed her before she could completely escape and told her very sternly how she had to stay with her mother. At that moment that woman was a real blessing.

 

I had the opposite experience. A middle aged woman smirked at me and moved out of my tot's way as I came waddling at top speed (not fast, lol) out of the shop and down the mall to try and catch her. Thanks, Love.

 

I really do think the village should stop runaway toddlers. I think the village should take toddlers down off the table instead of telling me to come and get them off. If you are a playgroup assistant, isn't it your job? I think if the village would rather my tot didn't drink out of the fish tank, the village should take him down off the chair and consider keeping the chair somewhere less handy.

 

I don't think the village should fault my children for what they are doing while I supervise when they don't even know where their own even though the site rules are to supervise your children. :glare:

 

Rosie

[nono]

the idea of other people in your community correcting your child? When you are there? Only when you're not there? Do you feel like you hold to "it takes a village" on some things but not on others? No agenda here . . . just wondering how this all hangs together.

 

Jean, you know, I'm not much of an "It Takes a Village" fan, not because I think it is a bad premise, but because I think it gives the lazy an invitation to not do the primary parenting. Which means more work for the rest of us...

 

However, I can't say that anyone who's corrected my child in my presence has been wrong. (All verbal corrections, simply delivered, not berating). I'm grateful, and impressed that someone can get off the block faster than I can occasionally! :tongue_smilie:

 

If someone does so with more intensity than I would have, I generally deal with it with my kids, explaining how they (since it is usually both of them) transgressed against the adult's sense of what was proper in the situation.

 

We live in a pretty laid-back area though, so there's not a lot of de facto "rules" which my kids are breaking.

 

Make sense?

[Daisy]

Personally I miss the community of adults who used to correct children. When I was a kid I knew the old lady at church, the mom down the street, and the father coming home from work would all give us a tongue-lashing for throwing water balloons at cars (or whatever we were doing. Uhm, yeah).

 

My husband frequently corrects children right in front of their parents. Usually it is over their treatment of their parents or grandparents. He is a school teacher though and used to just correcting bad-mouthing misbehaving kids.

 

When I see kids clearly misbehaving in public (tween boys running & chasing each other through Costco is the most recent example), I tell them to cut it out.

 

I don't mind having people tell my kids to stop doing something.

 

HOWEVER, If I'm standing nearby, I appreciate the courtesy of you assuming that I'd like to know so I can deal with it myself.

[nd293]

I would not be ok with someone I don't know correcting my child in front of me. Trying to help me would be fine, but not actually speaking to and correcting my child while I stand next to them.

 

:iagree:, more or less. I am OK with someone else correcting something I didn't see, or that directly affects them, if I haven't dealt with it. But correcting my child when I am there and dealing with the situation (even if my response is not to the other person's liking) is extremely offensive. My sister and I took a holiday together with kids, which will never happen again thanks to this.

 

HOWEVER, If I'm standing nearby, I appreciate the courtesy of you assuming that I'd like to know so I can deal with it myself.

 

... and the courtesy of assuming that I am competent enough to deal with it!

Edited May 3, 2011 by nd293

[Canadianmumof5]

:iagree:, more or less. I am OK with someone else correcting something I didn't see, or that directly affects them, if I haven't dealt with it. But correcting my child when I am there and dealing with the situation (even if my response is not to the other person's liking) is extremely offensive. My sister and I took a holiday together with kids, which will never happen again thanks to this.

 

:iagree:

 

The best is when SIL/BIL think it is in their job description to do the parenting for us...when we are there. Always so much fun to watch people who don't have kids trying to act like mom/dad (said in a very sarcastic and annoyed tone of voice).....love these people who don't have kids and yet have all the answers on how to raise and discipline them......

[6packofun]

LOL Yes, this. And if you're not sure you're IN someone's village, assume you're NOT.

[JeneralMom]

No village here. I am the parent and I decide what is right or wrong about my child's behaviour, not some stranger. I would hate having someone correct my child (i.e say sorry, or that was rude) while I am standing there. The only example I can think of (which I have been trying to think of since the other thread) is once in the grocery store a clerk asked my eldest if he wanted some store dollar thing they had. He said "yes, thank you" and she held it back and said "say yes, ma'am." I quickly corrected her and firmly stated "we do not use ma'am and you will give my child the dollar."

 

Safety issues - yes. If my kid is swinging crazy on a swing and can't see the littles behind him/her, then definitely say something.

 

But, issues of subjectiveness - manners, behaviour, etc. do not correct my child. Even my family is not allowed to correct my child in front of me.

[eternalknot]

I know this is the second thread I've started about the village. It actually wasn't motivated by any other thread on the board. But I was raised in a country that "takes a village to raise it's children." If someone sees a child dancing around having to go to the bathroom, whoever's closest grabs the child and has them go (in the ditch in front of everyone!) It was actually a bit of a cultural struggle for me because inside my home we had the American autonomy and nuclear family, outside the home everyone was my "aunt", "uncle", "Grandma", "Grandpa". In this society, you learned to behave because everyone literally was watching you! (This was doubly true if you were a foreigner as I was.)

 

My dh's family's village is more centered around extended family. But they regularly swap children - even for a couple of years! if it is more convenient for one child to be in one location over another. When I was pregnant with ds13, my MIL told me that she would raise the baby so that I could work and I could have him on the weekends. It took me a long time to realize that this was not the same affront to boundaries because of the cultural understanding of family. (We still said, " No thank you.")

 

It sounds like you grew up in a place very much like my own - to the point that female adults were referred to as aunties, male adults were referred to as uncles ... even if it was just the cab driver, donut store lady, or random person on the street. And like your husband's family, it's not uncommon in my family to have a revolving door of various relatives staying - for weeks, months, even years. In my culture, grandparents play an active role in the caregiving of children.

 

I have many siblings, and those that have married outside of our culture have all struggled with this; moreso than struggling with interfaith or interracial marriages, it's been a challenge to find a livable middle ground between such different (ethnic) cultural norms. I'm very partial to how I was raised, perhaps just because it's most familiar and comfortable, but my husband and I settled in a place that felt good to both of us and proved to be a great middle ground that married the best of each of our ways. His influence hasn't so much affected how *I* parent our kids, but it keeps me from making faux pas in the community I currently live in (where social ways are more in line with his preferences and the way he was raised).

[BlessedMom]

Definitely not a fan in any way of the "It takes a village" concept.

[Jenny in Florida]

My particular village includes close family or other adults we choose to leave our children with for a specific period of time (like Sunday school teachers.)

 

Random strangers? Not even a fat chance.

 

Bingo.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like you grew up in a place very much like my own - to the point that female adults were referred to as aunties, male adults were referred to as uncles ... even if it was just the cab driver, donut store lady, or random person on the street. And like your husband's family, it's not uncommon in my family to have a revolving door of various relatives staying - for weeks, months, even years. In my culture, grandparents play an active role in the caregiving of children.

 

I have many siblings, and those that have married outside of our culture have all struggled with this; moreso than struggling with interfaith or interracial marriages, it's been a challenge to find a livable middle ground between such different (ethnic) cultural norms. I'm very partial to how I was raised, perhaps just because it's most familiar and comfortable, but my husband and I settled in a place that felt good to both of us and proved to be a great middle ground that married the best of each of our ways. His influence hasn't so much affected how *I* parent our kids, but it keeps me from making faux pas in the community I currently live in (where social ways are more in line with his preferences and the way he was raised).

 

Yes! I've found an Asian soul sister;)

[Haiku]

the idea of other people in your community correcting your child?

 

Sure, why not? As long as they are not mean to my child, I think it's utterly fine for my child to be aware that his or her behavior impacts a range of people and that people will respond to it.

 

Honestly, I have never understood the huge aversion some people have to anyone else daring to correct their little darlings. I find it odd and, honestly, rather pompous.

 

But I also don't have the mortal dread and suspicion of strangers/other people that I see in many other people, the kind of fear that I see encouraged in books like Protecting the Gift.

 

Tara

[twoxcell]

I'm of the mindset that if a child is in danger or they are putting someone else in danger then by all means step in appropriately. Please do not walk past me in the grocery store and say some corrective remark to my child when I'm right there and clearly taking care of them. Do please stop my 2 year old who is running away from me towards danger, and don't stand there with a dumb look on your face as I chase them pregnant or holding an infant.

[Haiku]

Do please stop my 2 year old who is running away from me towards danger, and don't stand there with a dumb look on your face as I chase them pregnant or holding an infant.

 

Perhaps the person is not doing anything because the last time he or she tried, he or she was screamed at by some mom who went ballistic that a stranger touched her child.

 

In this case, I would be standing there with a dumb look on my face. I grabbed (not roughly) a child who was about to get his fingers jammed in a door and got screamed at by the lunatic mom who obviously assumed that I, standing there with my three children, was some sort of kidnapping child molester who was about to spirit her child out of the store for nefarious purposes. I guess she preferred some broken fingers to a concerned stranger.

 

I don't think we can blame other people for not responding in ways that seem logical or helpful to us when there are so many people who lose it when we try to behave logically or helpfully.

 

Tara

[twoxcell]

I understand that people may be scared of that but I have had this happen even at places were I knew people. I would rather save a kid from running in to the street then worry about someone getting mad. Many times all someone would have to do is get in front of a child or tell them to stop. That would at least slow them down.

[Geek]

My husband frequently corrects children right in front of their parents. Usually it is over their treatment of their parents or grandparents. He is a school teacher though and used to just correcting bad-mouthing misbehaving kids.

How interesting for someone to use such disrespectful, insulting methods to correct disrespect and insult. :001_huh:

 

Your husband and I would butt heads because I wouldn't want him teaching such values to my children through his actions.

[SonshineLearner]

How interesting for someone to use such disrespectful, insulting methods to correct disrespect and insult. :001_huh:

 

Your husband and I would butt heads because I wouldn't want him teaching such values to my children through his actions.

 

How is that bad? :confused: Kid says, "DUMB MOM, you never even graduated from Highschool and you're a loser." Teacher says, "That just doesn't sound right; she is trying to be a good mom and learning is a life long process. You should try to speak in a more respectful manner."

 

I would applaud the Teacher, and offer the mom a shrug/hug whatever <seemed> appropriate... ;)

[lionfamily1999]

Sure, why not? As long as they are not mean to my child, I think it's utterly fine for my child to be aware that his or her behavior impacts a range of people and that people will respond to it.

 

Honestly, I have never understood the huge aversion some people have to anyone else daring to correct their little darlings. I find it odd and, honestly, rather pompous.

 

But I also don't have the mortal dread and suspicion of strangers/other people that I see in many other people, the kind of fear that I see encouraged in books like Protecting the Gift.

 

Tara

:iagree: Now, I have turned into a raving lunatic when someone has been rude to my child or corrected a behavior that didn't need correcting (iykwIm). Maybe not a raving lunatic, but I wanted to become a raving lunatic :lol:

 

It is, imo, a matter of learning that your behavior effects those around you and, often, they will respond.

[Joker]

How interesting for someone to use such disrespectful, insulting methods to correct disrespect and insult. :001_huh:

 

Your husband and I would butt heads because I wouldn't want him teaching such values to my children through his actions.

 

I didn't see her say he used insulting methods. I am not one for the whole village mentality at all but I also come from a family of school teachers. My older brother teaches/coaches in small town Texas and I cannot believe some of the stories he has but they are real. He has gone to the county jail for some of his students (because the police ask him to come) and heard the filth coming out of their mouths directed at their parents. He does step in and let them know its not ok and they need to clean up their act. He is trying to help them. I am not in the situation of many of those parents so my preferences are different but it doesn't mean I can't see where someone in authority (such as a teacher/coach) might make a difference for some of those kids.

[ocelotmom]

But I also don't have the mortal dread and suspicion of strangers/other people that I see in many other people, the kind of fear that I see encouraged in books like Protecting the Gift.

Not to sidetrack, but I think it's interesting that you took that interpretation away from Protecting the Gift, since I got completely the opposite message, and tend to recommend it as the anti-"Stranger Danger" book.

[mytwomonkeys]

my "village" includes family and and very few friends. it does not include strangers or acquaintances. if i am present when my child is misbehaving, i do not like it when someone joins in to discipline my child alongside me. even if they are on "my side" or simply trying to reinforce what i am saying- i find it is not helpful, but rather annoying and undermining me. the exception to this rule, however, is if we are at someone's house and they have specific rules that need to be defined and my child needs to be told what they are (usually, i'm strict when visiting someone's house though, so it really isn't an issue often). if my child is in the care of someone else & i am not there, i fully expect them to behave in that person's care & receive consequences or correction if they are out of line.

[LibraryLover]

I don't know. If it's some harmless Nervous Nellie I wouldn't really care about her advising not jumping on the stairs while I'm holding my kids' hand? I can always tell my children later that she said something because she cared, because she was afraid, because her eyes aren't as good as they uised to be and it seems dangerous to her. Whatever. I just don't think that sort of interaction is devastating to a child. So meh.

 

The woman telling the kid at the scout meeting to be nice to his mother? Another meh. The kid probably should get a clue how his behavior looks to others. There was no harm done there, no cruelty, no danger.

 

The guy at the library who tells the kid to walk or not play with the buttons in the elevator. Also meh, don't care if the mother is there. That's life. You can say something to the person, "Thank you, I am handling it" and get on with your life.

 

People who are mean? The nasty brute who yells at a kid in parking lot for walking too slowly? Don't like it, find it scary.

Edited May 3, 2011 by LibraryLover