Which party would you pick?

[Audrey]

I'm at the point of just flipping a coin on this because I feel that, no matter what we do, we'll be in the doghouse later with someone or other.

 

The background is this: My dh's mother died in 2001. Since then, my SIL has been taking turns with me to host a xmas or New Year's family get together which my MIL always did. It's our attempt to keep a very large family in touch when the "touchstone" (my MIL) has gone. About a year after MIL died, FIL remarried. This person and I are diametrical opposites on the faith scale, but despite that I respect her, even if it is hard to like her sometimes. It would be easier to like her if she didn't feel called to convert my son behind my back every chance she gets. :glare: Yet, she's part of the family and my philosophy on that is "get along even if you have to fake it."

 

The situation is this: My SIL (who I really like) is having a big family xmas party this year. This was planned back in September. She sent everyone "save the date" notes and a chatty email asking us all to come. There's even a funny theme to it. She sent the invitations at the beginning of November for everyone to RSVP, and pretty much everyone RSVP'ed "yes."

 

Then, last week FIL's wife decided that she was going to host a family gathering -- the same day as SILs party. She called everyone to let us know. She didn't really "ask" anyone to come. She stated that, of course she knew we were coming "to show your love for (FIL)."

 

So now we're all conflicted -- and divided. There are clearly 2 camps in this debate. Camp A that says we should go where FIL is, and Camp B that says FILs wife crossed a line. SIL doesn't think she should take Camp A's suggestion to cancel her party. MIL won't even talk to Camp B or SIL. Not going to either one isn't really an option, because it's still a statement of taking sides by taking neither side.

 

So, my dilemma is (if you've bothered to read this far).... I have to pick a party. Like I said at the beginning, I'm at the point of flipping a coin. Which party would you pick? If you have a really good rationale for why I should pick that, please let me know, because I have a feeling I'm going to have to explain it over and over and over again.

Edited November 27, 2010 by Audrey

[Mejane]

Because sil's party was announced first, I'd go there. Not to mention you'll probably have a much better time. ;)

[lionfamily1999]

I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful.

[MamaT]

I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful.

 

:iagree:

[Disney Dreaming]

I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful.

 

:iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful.

 

Ultimately, I agree. I've had to deal with this before (although not with actual family) and I always go with the established group, not the person looking to take over. Be prepared for ugly consequences. :glare:

[kalanamak]

I'd go to SIL, and send an "I'm so sorry I can't come, but I RSVP'd long ago, we will see you another time".

 

You could consider sitting them both out and writing a note to both. I would do that if SIL could reasonably change her date, but is refusing to out of anger. Although I understand the anger......

 

:grouphug: An example of why I hate the hols.

[Corraleno]

I'd definitely go to SIL's party. The fact that MIL decided to host her own party on exactly the same day, knowing perfectly well that it would cause a lot of family drama and conflict, tells me that her primary motivation is to prove that she's the new queen bee in the family. I think she's being rude and selfish, and if she really wants to force the family to choose between her and SIL, then she's going to have to deal with the consequences of people choosing SIL. She's being a bully and I would stand up to her. Good for your SIL for not backing down. :thumbup1:

 

Jackie

[Jen in PA]

I'd go to SIL, and send an "I'm so sorry I can't come, but I RSVP'd long ago, we will see you another time".

 

 

:iagree:

[Audrey]

I'd go to SIL, and send an "I'm so sorry I can't come, but I RSVP'd long ago, we will see you another time".

 

You could consider sitting them both out and writing a note to both. I would do that if SIL could reasonably change her date, but is refusing to out of anger. Although I understand the anger......

 

:grouphug: An example of why I hate the hols.

 

 

She could change the date, but she'd lose her deposit on the extra tables, chairs and party ware stuff that she booked months ago, and it is unlikely that she could book it all for another date when we are this close to the party season. (We are normally a group of about 50-70 people, so that stuff is necessary to pull it all off.)

[bettyandbob]

I'm assuming FIL's wife knew about SIL's party. If she did it was rude to plan one at the same time.

 

Whether or not FIL wife knew about the party, SIL invited you first. and you had plans to attend that, so go to SIL's party.

[Daisy]

I feel the flu coming on.

 

I agree with the others though. SIL's plans came first. If I had to choose I'd go with SIL's party.

Edited November 27, 2010 by Daisy

[NanceXToo]

Because sil's party was announced first, I'd go there. Not to mention you'll probably have a much better time. ;)

 

:iagree:

 

"I'm sorry, SIL already announced her party for a while back, and we do not think it would be polite to change our plans at this time."

[Jen in PA]

She could change the date, but she'd lose her deposit on the extra tables, chairs and party ware stuff that she booked months ago. We are normally a group of about 50-70 people.

 

I think it's less about the fact that she could change the date and more about the fact that she shouldn't have to. We have been through similar things where family didn't understand that we felt uncomfortable reneging on prior commitments, so I have just made it a firm policy that plans are set, and hope they understand.

[Meriwether]

You had already sent an RSVP to SIL's party, so you were already commited to that date.

 

 

 

My extended family rearranged their family Christmas (a process involving 30 plus families and all their inlaws) the Christmas after Dh and I were engaged so that Dh wouldn't have to miss his family Christmas to come meet everyone. My future MIL changed the date of their family Christmas from the traditional Saturday after Christmas (which is when my extended family had intended to have their Christmas) to the same date my extended family had moved their Christmas to. Then she blamed me when Dh missed his family Christmas. Don't play that game. Everyone who said yes to SIL's party should be there.

[gardening momma]

So, my dilemma is (if you've bothered to read this far).... I have to pick a party. Like I said at the beginning, I'm at the point of flipping a coin. Which party would you pick? If you have a really good rationale for why I should pick that, please let me know, because I have a feeling I'm going to have to explain it over and over and over again.

Go to SIL's party. The party was planned a long time ago, you RSVP'd already, you really want to go (at least it sounds that way to me), and you know that it would be rude to ask her to cancel it in favor of a party that just came up.

Edited November 27, 2010 by gardening momma

[Miss Marple]

SIL's party because you already made a commitment. And you can tell the MIL camp that good people always stand by their commitments. And turn it back on her, "surely you can understand, MIL, that if I back out on a commitment to SIL that you could hardly trust me to honor any commitment I make to *you*."

[gardening momma]

You could consider sitting them both out and writing a note to both. I would do that if SIL could reasonably change her date, but is refusing to out of anger. Although I understand the anger......

I don't think anyone could reasonably change the date of a party planned for months and with affirmative RSVP's--that would be inconsiderate--the guests have saved the date for this. It would be reasonable to expect MIL to change her date, since hers has not been in the works for long.

[Mrs Mungo]

SIL's party because you already made a commitment. And you can tell the MIL camp that good people always stand by their commitments. And turn it back on her, "surely you can understand, MIL, that if I back out on a commitment to SIL that you could hardly trust me to honor any commitment I make to *you*."

 

I agree. However, it's worth pointing out that I am not really a group person. I will pick the side I think is morally correct and stick to my guns, no matter how detrimental it may be to myself. It's a failing of mine not to be a peacemaker by nature. So, you may not want to take my advice.

[kalanamak]

She could change the date, but she'd lose her deposit on the extra tables, chairs and party ware stuff that she booked months ago, and it is unlikely that she could book it all for another date when we are this close to the party season. (We are normally a group of about 50-70 people, so that stuff is necessary to pull it all off.)

 

Stick with SIL. Are the times and locations amenable to stopping by on the way home at MIL?

[Liz CA]

I'd definitely go to SIL's party. The fact that MIL decided to host her own party on exactly the same day, knowing perfectly well that it would cause a lot of family drama and conflict, tells me that her primary motivation is to prove that she's the new queen bee in the family. I think she's being rude and selfish, and if she really wants to force the family to choose between her and SIL, then she's going to have to deal with the consequences of people choosing SIL. She's being a bully and I would stand up to her. Good for your SIL for not backing down. :thumbup1:

 

 

 

Bingo! How rude! She did know about SIl's party, right? After your SIL is going through all the prep and what not, it's very rude to schedule something on the same day. I'd go to SIL's party.

[Word Nerd]

I would side with your SIL. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I can't imagine why MIL would choose that date knowing that your SIL already has plans for a gathering except that she wants to cause drama or show who's the boss.

[Starr]

You have already rsvp'd to a party. That's where you go. It's the polite thing to do. Give FIL wife a copy of Miss Manners for Christmas. :D

[Audrey]

Stick with SIL. Are the times and locations amenable to stopping by on the way home at MIL?

 

Sort of, yes. SIL lives about an hour away. FIL and wife live in the town near me (about 10 minutes).

[Audrey]

Bingo! How rude! She did know about SIl's party, right? After your SIL is going through all the prep and what not, it's very rude to schedule something on the same day. I'd go to SIL's party.

 

 

 

Oh yes! She knew because, of course she and FIL were at the top of the list of invitees to SILs party.

[StephanieF]

SIL as you already said yes, how could you now say no. To MIL I would say that you have already been invited and she obviously forgot about SIL's party when she planned her own (unlikely!!)

 

Stephanie

[beaners]

Sort of, yes. SIL lives about an hour away. FIL and wife live in the town near me (about 10 minutes).

 

If it's reasonable then I'd just stop by after the other party. I'm the child of divorced parents, so I grew up with around half a dozen different stops for each holiday and annoying sense of duty to appease everyone. (Which explains why I don't mind holidays where I don't leave the house.) If it were me, I'd just say that you'll be going to the SIL's but you'd love to stop by and visit after that.

[mcconnellboys]

MIL is clearly in the wrong in doing what she's done. How inconsiderate after someone else has been planning a party for months to suddenly announce that you'll do one the same day, so ignore all her hard work! That's completely inappropriate.

 

I'd speak to FIL privately and tell him all this, in a nice way, of course. But I'd make it clear that I feel it would be very inappropriate to abandon the work SIL has done to attend a party announced very last minute by MIL on the same date/time. If she truly wishes to host a party, she should make it at a different date/time so that the family can attend both....

[Jean in Newcastle]

This wouldn't even be a debate for me: go to SIL's party. I dislike the manipulative nature of the "show your love for FIL" invitation. You obviously love him. Ditching a party that you've planned to go to since September is not necessary in order to show it.

[anneofalamo]

I would call FIL wife and say, 'I think you totally spaced that SIL is doing the party on this date", we would love to go to yours, but we have been planning to go to SIL since insert date. Please let us know if you are able to change it!?

Then a cute story of you son's antics and keep it light!

 

I am going on the thought that maybe maybe maybe she spaced SIL's party??? At least give her an out for it??

 

Then you will be the hero to all!

[Parrothead]

Go to SIL's party. See about arranging something soon after or just before with FIL so you can "show your love."

[justamouse]

I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful.

:iagree:

 

You already know she's manipulative for trying to get to ds behind your back-this is just another try to maneuver herself.

 

Feign left and go around.

[Danestress]

SILs because you already said you would, and you are someone who does what you say you are going to do.

 

I don't think FIL's wife has a leg to stand on here - she planned a party and invited you, but you had already agreed to attend a different party. This is not about whose side you are taking. MIL did not "cross a boundary." She just asked second.

[JFSinIL]

I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful.

 

yup. :001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

Oh yes! She knew because, of course she and FIL were at the top of the list of invitees to SILs party.

 

I would speak to your father, personally, and ask him why they would host a party on the same day sil was going to, and sil had been planning this for months. If he says that his wife is doing this because it's the tradition and you had it last year, I'd tell him that you already rsvp'd to sil's party and that's where you'd be going. Let him know that you assumed he'd be going there as well and you hope his feelings wouldn't be hurt. If he does say his feelings would be hurt, let him know that it would be in bad taste to back out of a party you already said you'd attend MONTHS ago, because you instead decided to attend another. Surely he wouldn't want you to do that to him.

 

I'd leave the wife out of this entirely. What she did was rude, but clearly it had to have gone by him first. Suggest they maybe have a New Years party?

[Plucky]

SIL's party because you already made a commitment. And you can tell the MIL camp that good people always stand by their commitments. And turn it back on her, "surely you can understand, MIL, that if I back out on a commitment to SIL that you could hardly trust me to honor any commitment I make to *you*."

 

:iagree:

 

I am shocked that a new mil would do that to a family.

[Denisemomof4]

This wouldn't even be a debate for me: go to SIL's party. I dislike the manipulative nature of the "show your love for FIL" invitation. You obviously love him. Ditching a party that you've planned to go to since September is not necessary in order to show it.

 

:iagree:Jean, you're SO wise.:001_smile:

[sagira]

It was announced first. You already made plans to go.

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree:

 

You already know she's manipulative for trying to get to ds behind your back-this is just another try to maneuver herself.

 

Feign left and go around.

 

:confused: I missed something. If this is true, then this is the second slight. I'd have a talk with FIL to let him know this is totally inappropriate and that she needs to stop trying to cause chaos in the family.

[TravelingChris]

I also picked SIL's party as did everyone else. You have to go to the party you rsvp'd first. It is outrageous that your new MIL did this and it is causing family problems. Explain to anyone who questions your decision that you had to go to the first response and can't change plans.

[Dawn in OH]

Because sil's party was announced first, I'd go there. Not to mention you'll probably have a much better time. ;)

 

:iagree:

 

 

I can't even begin to understand why the second party was planned knowing that SIL already planned a party and sent out invitations. Does she dislike SIL?

[gardening momma]

I'd leave the wife out of this entirely. What she did was rude, but clearly it had to have gone by him first. Suggest they maybe have a New Years party?

I don't see why this clearly had to have gone by him first. Maybe she decided to get the party plans changed and then tell him that everyone's coming over to their place instead. Maybe she already has told him that. Either way, I'd still talk to him, let him know that you need to go to the party you RSVP'd to, and that you'd love to see him and MIL on another day.

[Mrs Mungo]

I will add one other thing-if new MIL wants to take a turn hosting, offer to put her in the rotation for next year or suggest she start a new tradition (such as a New Year's party, as suggested by someone else) of her own. If she's too much of a queen bee type, it might not go over well, but I would make the offer.

[mommaduck]

I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful.

:iagree: If SIL's was the normal family party, then it included FIL/stepMIL. There is more to the story here and apparently the new wife doesn't want to go to SIL's, so she intentionally planned a party on top of SIL's and it pulling the guilt card to strong arm people into attending and leaving SIL in the mud. Nope, I don't play those games.

[BeckyFL]

I chose SIL because you already RSVP'd and it had been planned first. I would explain this to MIL... "We're so sorry, but when we discussed this, we believe we have to honor our commitment since we already promised SIL that we would attend."

[bettyandbob]

I have an additional watch out. My FIL wife was manipulative. Her manipulations destroyed FILs relationship with 2 out of 3 children. They wanted a relationship with their dad and she blocked it. She blocked it to the point that when FIL had a massive stroke she called us and told dh to arrive in the airport in her town and her daughter would pick him up--only then would dh learn the hospital his dad was in. This was orchestrated to prevent dh's sisters from seeing their dad before he died. One of them made it. The other did not.

 

Visit with your FIL because you love him. Visit some other time than during the party you planned to attend already. Showing up at FIL's wife's party doesn't mean you love your FIL anymore than not showing up means you don't.

[gardening momma]

I can't even begin to understand why the second party was planned knowing that SIL already planned a party and sent out invitations. Does she dislike SIL?

Maybe she's one of those people who wants things her way and doesn't see why other people don't want it that way too.

 

My birthday is fairly close to my SIL's birthday, so we always celebrate together, usually at one of our houses (with FIL, MIL, all BIL's with their wives & their children who live in this area...this is about 14 people total). This year, birthday-SIL told me it would be nice if we went out to a restaurant instead. I thought it was a great idea. We only had 2 other families to check with, FIL & MIL and another BIL/SIL. BIL/SIL was fine with it, but MIL didn't like the idea (there was not a financial hindrance), and talked birthday-SIL into agreeing to have a get-together at MIL's house. When I heard about it, I said no way. It's OUR birthdays we're celebrating, WE want to go out, and the only ones who might have a problem financially (us, other BIL/SIL and birthday-SIL) were ok with it and agreed to go out. Plans were changed back to the restaurant (I had birthday-SIL's dh talk to his mom).

[amydavis]

I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful.

 

:iagree:

 

I haven't read past this response, but I agree with this. Planning a party when there is obviously a party already planned, is rude. I can see including MIL in the party rotation, so that she gets next year, and then you, etc. But she cannot simply take over this year when it's been planned so far in advance. Quite frankly, I don't see how the other camp finds that they are showing love to their father by being blatantly rude and encouraging rude behavior on the part of his new wife. I'm surprised he would condone this. Just my .02.

[Corraleno]

So now we're all conflicted -- and divided. There are clearly 2 camps in this debate. Camp A that says we should go where FIL is, and Camp B that says FILs wife crossed a line. SIL doesn't think she should take Camp A's suggestion to cancel her party. MIL won't even talk to Camp B or SIL.

I feel badly for your SIL that anyone is even thinking of caving into to MIL's power play. I understand the impulse to just "get along" and avoid conflict, but IME this inevitably leads to a situation where the "accommodaters" in the family are forever getting run over and taken advantage of by the most self-centered and demanding members. The bullies always manage to make it look like other people are "causing trouble" whenever they don't get their way, even though the exact opposite is true. Making it clear to MIL from the get-go that she will not be allowed to damage and divide your family may "cause trouble" now, but it might spare you a lot of problems in the future!

 

Jackie

[Mejane]

I feel badly for your SIL that anyone is even thinking of caving into to MIL's power play.

 

:iagree:What's up with those A campers?

 

Just curious... what does your hubby say?