OrganicAnn Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I don't know if this was covered in any post. Is there any way people could go to both parties? Is there a chance of one party could be at noon and one for the evening? But I voted with the vast majority of go to SIL. It is just bad manners all round to RSVP and then throw a party on the same day. It would also technically be bad manners to go to FILs wife's party, but more than manners are involved here. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) I would be most happy to add FIL's wife to the rotation of who host the winter get-together. I think that SIL would not mind sharing the load, too -- except that this move has really hurt SIL in a way that I don't think I quite understand. I mean... I would be hurt, but SIL seems to be taking it very, very personally. I'm hurting for her because of that. It's more than just MIL interfering and planning a party the same day...SIL had a party planned, and now the guests are dropping out and going elsewhere. It can be very disheartening when people don't come to your party. Worse when they had planned to and then back out, worse still when they defect to go to another relative's party. Reminds me of: It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to Cry if I want to, cry if I want to You would cry too if it happened to you Edited November 28, 2010 by gardening momma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted November 28, 2010 Author Share Posted November 28, 2010 It's more than just MIL interfering and planning a party the same day...SIL had a party planned, and now the guests are dropping out and going elsewhere. It can be very disheartening when people don't come to your party. Worse when they had planned to and then back out, worse still when they defect to go to another relative's party. So you're it's not a matter of taking a rejection once, but many times over? That, I can understand. Looking at it that way actually makes me kind of ... ticked off. Enough so that I think I'm feeling my inner Southern girl get her hackles up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 It's more than just MIL interfering and planning a party the same day...SIL had a party planned, and now the guests are dropping out and going elsewhere. It can be very disheartening when people don't come to your party. Worse when they had planned to and then back out, worse still when they defect to go to another relative's party. Reminds me of: It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to Cry if I want to, cry if I want to You would cry too if it happened to you :iagree: I'm still traumatized from friends dropping out of coming to a party I threw when I was 12. (I'm joking...but only sort of.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I don't know, but she has called all of FIL's children about it. SIL's party also included all the extended family of dh's mother's siblings and several cousins (who were all raised with my dh and his siblings, so they're all like siblings anyway). I don't know if those folks have been contacted or not. It might be awkward for your MIL to be included in the rotation with you and your SIL, because either (1) she'd need to invite your FIL's first wife's relatives (which, from what you've said about her, doesn't seem like something she'd be happy about), or (2) your family wouldn't get to see that side of the family every 3rd year. Maybe you need 2 holiday parties, one that includes both sides of your DH's family, hosted by you or your SIL, and one that includes MIL and her side of the family, hosted by her. She just needs to pick a different date for her party this year, and check with everyone next year so the two parties don't conflict. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 Never have I seen the Hive so united. Your FIL's wife has accomplished something I never thought possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted November 28, 2010 Author Share Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) It might be awkward for your MIL to be included in the rotation with you and your SIL, because either (1) she'd need to invite your FIL's first wife's relatives (which, from what you've said about her, doesn't seem like something she'd be happy about), or (2) your family wouldn't get to see that side of the family every 3rd year. Maybe you need 2 holiday parties, one that includes both sides of your DH's family, hosted by you or your SIL, and one that includes MIL and her side of the family, hosted by her. She just needs to pick a different date for her party this year, and check with everyone next year so the two parties don't conflict. Jackie But, we do invite BOTH of her daughters and her sisters who live nearby to the family get-together every year. Her one daughter, with whom she had a falling out, never comes, but the other daughter and the sisters do always come. It's not like anyone has tried to shut her or her family out -- quite the opposite, as we've always gone out of our way to make sure they are included. I'd never dealt with second-families before (or re-married, or whatever is), but I figured, as I'm sure the rest of us did, that everyone needed to be included since it was a bigger family now. I have to say, I'm really resenting that someone keeps bringing in a bunch of drama when it wasn't necessary. Edited November 28, 2010 by Audrey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 So you're it's not a matter of taking a rejection once, but many times over? That, I can understand. Looking at it that way actually makes me kind of ... ticked off. Enough so that I think I'm feeling my inner Southern girl get her hackles up. Yes. It's a combination of many things...MIL's shenanigans; planning a great party, but guests back out; multiple guests backing out; guests abandoning your party for someone else's party (that's a big downer); potential party failure (not enough guests for sufficient mingling/socializing); lots of money wasted; etc... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 Has anyone reminded you MIL that this is the date of the party the SIL set way back in .......? That would be my thought. Did she do it on purpose? Or did she just completely space on the date, and not realize the chaos she is causing? With older folks, you always have to factor in the absent-minded possibility. I would treat her (MIL) kindly in case this is the story. Either way, the answer is clearly the same. There is no way I would help someone plan an annual event, one where they'd actually done a "hold the date" thing, and then cancel for another party that included much the same people. It's the plot of every tween sitcom eventually, because, frankly, that's the age when people learn that party-jumping is unkind. "Sorry, we'd love to come but we can't - that is the date of SIL's party and we've been helping her plan it for months. I'm guessing that will be a problem with some of your other guests too. I assume you didn't realize it was the same day! That's a bit awkward! I hope SIL doesn't think you did it on purpose - you might want to make sure she knows it was a mistake! Perhaps we can get together another time. I hope you can come to SIL's!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 But, we do invite BOTH of her daughters and her sisters who live nearby to the family get-together every year. Her one daughter, with whom she had a falling out, never comes, but the other daughter and the sisters do always come. It's not like anyone has tried to shut her or her family out -- quite the opposite, as we've always gone out of our way to make sure they are included. I'd never dealt with second-families before (or re-married, or whatever is), but I figured, as I'm sure the rest of us did, that everyone needed to be included since it was a bigger family now. I have to say, I'm really resenting that someone keeps bringing in a bunch of drama when it wasn't necessary. Oh, I didn't mean to imply that you guys were excluding her side, just that she may want to exclude DH's mother's side — that may even be part of why she's throwing this party. As in, "I'm the matriarch now, everything should revolve around me, and I don't want first wife's relatives around any more." Maybe 2 parties would be better so that she can be queen bee of her own party every year, without having to make small talk with lots of people who remind her that her husband had a long and happy life, and an entirely different family, before he ever met her, kwim? Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted November 28, 2010 Author Share Posted November 28, 2010 I want to thank everyone for their input. If there was any doubt in my mind before, I think that a 99% Hive consensus has made my decision quite clear. I also appreciate that many of you were able to see things in this situation that I could not. It is sometimes hard to see the bigger picture when you're one of the figures right in it. I didn't want to be angry about this, but I think that, after reading all of this (with my dh, btw) that I should be at least a bit miffed, not just for myself, but for the other parties involved here. Dh has said, as far as he's concerned, this may very well be that straw that breaks the camel's back. He's quite ticked, and really resenting the manipulation overall. So.... We're going to SIL's party, and if FIL's wife crosses my path in the meantime, I may be pushed to go all Southern on her a**, bless her heart! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anneofalamo Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 bless her heart! :lol: this made me laugh so hard, with an awesome attitude like that, you are gonna be just fine!! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Cindie2dds Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 Because sil's party was announced first, I'd go there. Not to mention you'll probably have a much better time. ;) I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Cindie2dds Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 We're going to SIL's party, and if FIL's wife crosses my path in the meantime, I may be pushed to go all Southern on her a**, bless her heart! :lol: :lol: :lol: Oh, I would love to be a fly on the wall then! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 So you're it's not a matter of taking a rejection once, but many times over? That, I can understand. Looking at it that way actually makes me kind of ... ticked off. Enough so that I think I'm feeling my inner Southern girl get her hackles up. Exactly — not only did MIL purposefully stab your SIL in the back, she's doing everything she can to manipulate the rest of the family into sticking the knife in, too. It sounds like your SIL put a lot of time and effort and planning into this party, and she was probably really excited about it. Now, with everything up in the air because of MIL's stunt, she's probably feeling really betrayed and stressing out over not knowing who is or isn't coming or if she'll be sitting there all alone with a bunch of ruined food. Even if almost everyone eventually chooses SIL's party, MIL has already spoiled it by creating so much drama and conflict that most people will end up hurt and upset no matter where they go, so the atmosphere is bound to be tense. Seems like a no-win situation for your poor SIL. :( Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I'm at the point of just flipping a coin on this because I feel that, no matter what we do, we'll be in the doghouse later with someone or other. The background is this: My dh's mother died in 2001. Since then, my SIL has been taking turns with me to host a xmas or New Year's family get together which my MIL always did. It's our attempt to keep a very large family in touch when the "touchstone" (my MIL) has gone. About a year after MIL died, FIL remarried. This person and I are diametrical opposites on the faith scale, but despite that I respect her, even if it is hard to like her sometimes. It would be easier to like her if she didn't feel called to convert my son behind my back every chance she gets. :glare: Yet, she's part of the family and my philosophy on that is "get along even if you have to fake it." The situation is this: My SIL (who I really like) is having a big family xmas party this year. This was planned back in September. She sent everyone "save the date" notes and a chatty email asking us all to come. There's even a funny theme to it. She sent the invitations at the beginning of November for everyone to RSVP, and pretty much everyone RSVP'ed "yes." Then, last week FIL's wife decided that she was going to host a family gathering -- the same day as SILs party. She called everyone to let us know. She didn't really "ask" anyone to come. She stated that, of course she knew we were coming "to show your love for (FIL)." So now we're all conflicted -- and divided. There are clearly 2 camps in this debate. Camp A that says we should go where FIL is, and Camp B that says FILs wife crossed a line. SIL doesn't think she should take Camp A's suggestion to cancel her party. MIL won't even talk to Camp B or SIL. Not going to either one isn't really an option, because it's still a statement of taking sides by taking neither side. So, my dilemma is (if you've bothered to read this far).... I have to pick a party. Like I said at the beginning, I'm at the point of flipping a coin. Which party would you pick? If you have a really good rationale for why I should pick that, please let me know, because I have a feeling I'm going to have to explain it over and over and over again. You already had plans, FIL's wife is being unreasonable by expecting everyone to drop any and all plans they had before and run to go to HER party. You already committed to go to SIL's party, you should honor your previously made committment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tutor Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I would go to SIL's party because it has been a family tradition for years (from MIL to SIL) and there isn't any reason to change the tradition. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I'm shocked... no one chose "other." This is a moment in history. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akmommy Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 Well, it doesn't matter at this point, but I think your MIL is being a horse's @$$ and there's no way I'd attend her party. I don't do emotional manipulation. At all. Good for you for sticking to the original plans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 SIL seems to be taking it very, very personally. I'm hurting for her because of that. She started hosting as a way to stay connected to her mother. I am sure that every year, at that party, she finds ways to refresh wonderful memories of her mother. I'll bet new wife senses that too, unconsciously, thus the replacement party of her own. :grouphug: It really stinks that FIL's wife is placing everyone in this position. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 SIL and if you can make it to FILs then drop over as sort of a "regrets"... I'd also give him a heads up so he knows you're doing anything against him !! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 SIL's party was on the calendar first. That's the way we play at our house. First come, first served as far as the calendar goes. "I'm sorry, I can't come to your shindig I've already got a shindig scheduled for that day." Weren't FIL/MIL invited to SIL's party back in Sept? How rude can she be scheduling on top of that and putting everyone in such a bind. Maybe I missed something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 She could change the date, but she'd lose her deposit on the extra tables, chairs and party ware stuff that she booked months ago, and it is unlikely that she could book it all for another date when we are this close to the party season. (We are normally a group of about 50-70 people, so that stuff is necessary to pull it all off.) No, No...losing a deposit and not being able to re-book this close to Christmas means she can't change the date, imo. Plus 70 people have had this on their calendar since Sept. and have presumably made plans around this date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I would go to SIL's, assuming that is also what dh wants, since you already RSVP'ed. It seems totally obvious. BUT, I can also see a possible side for MIL... it would be extremely difficult to go to an annual event held in honor of your husband's first wife. And to have that be the family Christmas as well. It may also be difficult for FIL? And it's pretty clear from what you've said that no one in the family really has a fondness for FIL's new wife. Just a possibility, and believe me, I am not one to go in for manipulative MIL tricks... I've been a victim of them for years. So, while I would go to SIL's this year, I would also have dh call FIL directly and ask him what's up, and would they like to host Christmas Eve, or New Year's, or whatever, and is the party being held annually in honor of his first wife a problem for him or his 'new wife' (which is a weird way to refer to a woman who has been married to him for 6 years). Because I think an honest, open conversation could go a long way to avoiding future problems here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful. :iagree: I would decline going to mil's party and say something like "I am so sorry I cannot come to your party because I already agreed to go to SIL's. I would have loved to attend your party and I am so disappointed it was not on a different day than SIL's party. :tongue_smilie: If MIL is going to get rude about people not attending her party instead of SIL's party I would not concern myself with that . There's no point in being rude with her. Let that be just her problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I'm wondering if MIL is trying to manufacture a "reason" to be "rejected" and angry at various people who will naturally be attending SIL's party instead of her own party. It sounds like she is wanting to get a "war" going. Maybe she is the type that likes negative drama and/or negative attention. I would step back and try not to get drawn into it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I really do not understand why some families put their family members in the position of "choosing" when (if) it can be easily avoided. I know that conflicting schedules cannot always be avoided but when they can be it seems much kinder to me to not expect people to "choose". Since my grown dd has been married we have gone out of our way to not over book her and her dh on the holidays. For example, when she has told me that her MIL was having everyone over on Christmas Eve I would say then how about you coming to our house on Christmas Day and so on like that.My dd has told me she liked it better when we spent time together on separate days because it wasn't as tiring as going to two houses on the same day. I would hate to be in the position, if it could be avoided, of making my children "choose" between relatives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 Were not FIL and MIL aware of SIL's party? Invited to it? It would be a weird affront to purposely schedule a competing party. Why didn't anyone SAY that to her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom in High Heels Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 Such a united Hive! Will wonders never cease? So, I'm dying to know when these parties are being held and when we can get a report on what happened. Living and ocean away from our families means we have no family drama at the holidays (hurrah!) so I need to experience the drama vicariously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grace'smom Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 Such a united Hive! Will wonders never cease? So, I'm dying to know when these parties are being held and when we can get a report on what happened. Living and ocean away from our families means we have no family drama at the holidays (hurrah!) so I need to experience the drama vicariously. :iagree:I am really interested in hearing the rest of the story. There are so many unanswered questions....:lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 (edited) What camp is FIL in? What has he said about all this? I would definitely go to SIL's party b/c she asked first and fwiw I think it is awful what new MIL is doing! I am assuming she knew about the party? I don't envy you in having to deal with her :grouphug:. I would not give in to her craziness but I would call FIL and ask him why he has not talked some sense into her (ok I would not really do that but I would want to! I would talk directly to him bc I would want to make sure he heard my reason for not coming and there were no misunderstandings). Just out of curioustity those that RSVP to the first party and now think they should go to the other party, what is their reasoning? How are they justifying that> ETA:dh would make the call I am pretty sure Edited November 28, 2010 by kwg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysparkler Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I'd go with SIL. It was already on the calendar and mil knew that. Her planning a party over top of it is mean and spiteful. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
home4school Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 So after FIL & MIL rsvp'd yes to SIL's party, MIL planned her own on the same day, inviting some of the same guests, right? Did MIL invite SIL to her party? I can't even imagine! I was wondering if MIL contacted SIL and changed her rsvp to SIL's party? Either she's got a manipulative streak a mile wide or she's suffering from some ailment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I'd go with SIL for many of the reasons already stated. She has tradition on her side as well as being the first invite out there which you have already said yes to. On the surface your FIL's wife seems a bit antagonistic in how she planned her party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsrevmeg Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I'd definitely go to SIL's party. The fact that MIL decided to host her own party on exactly the same day, knowing perfectly well that it would cause a lot of family drama and conflict, tells me that her primary motivation is to prove that she's the new queen bee in the family. I think she's being rude and selfish, and if she really wants to force the family to choose between her and SIL, then she's going to have to deal with the consequences of people choosing SIL. She's being a bully and I would stand up to her. Good for your SIL for not backing down. :thumbup1: Jackie :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabeth in IL Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I agree with those who said to have a frank conversation with FIL. He knows (or needs to know) that SIL (his daughter) had her party scheduled months ago with deposit money involved so there was no way she could change her date. I would also ask him flat out why he RSVP'd "yes" to SIL's party and is now having his own party on the same date. Even though MIL probably did the RSVPing and party planning, he was included and knew about it. It needs to be brought to his attention that he is being rude through his wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I'd definitely go to SIL's party. The fact that MIL decided to host her own party on exactly the same day, knowing perfectly well that it would cause a lot of family drama and conflict, tells me that her primary motivation is to prove that she's the new queen bee in the family. I think she's being rude and selfish, and if she really wants to force the family to choose between her and SIL, then she's going to have to deal with the consequences of people choosing SIL. She's being a bully and I would stand up to her. Good for your SIL for not backing down. :thumbup1: Jackie :iagree: If she knew about SIL's party-- and I assume she was even invited to that party--she's just trying to leverage some control. She's being manipulative, and when people do that, I tend to try to thwart them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I would speak to your father, personally, and ask him why they would host a party on the same day sil was going to, and sil had been planning this for months. If he says that his wife is doing this because it's the tradition and you had it last year, I'd tell him that you already rsvp'd to sil's party and that's where you'd be going. Let him know that you assumed he'd be going there as well and you hope his feelings wouldn't be hurt. If he does say his feelings would be hurt, let him know that it would be in bad taste to back out of a party you already said you'd attend MONTHS ago, because you instead decided to attend another. Surely he wouldn't want you to do that to him. I'd leave the wife out of this entirely. What she did was rude, but clearly it had to have gone by him first. Suggest they maybe have a New Years party? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I have an additional watch out. My FIL wife was manipulative. Her manipulations destroyed FILs relationship with 2 out of 3 children. They wanted a relationship with their dad and she blocked it. She blocked it to the point that when FIL had a massive stroke she called us and told dh to arrive in the airport in her town and her daughter would pick him up--only then would dh learn the hospital his dad was in. This was orchestrated to prevent dh's sisters from seeing their dad before he died. One of them made it. The other did not. Visit with your FIL because you love him. Visit some other time than during the party you planned to attend already. Showing up at FIL's wife's party doesn't mean you love your FIL anymore than not showing up means you don't. :grouphug: That is evil. Your poor SIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I haven't read all the responses but I picked SIL's party because she announced it first and I'm assuming you already RSVP'd back at that time. Even if you didn't RSVP I'm sure somewhere along the way you've given SIL the inclination that you're coming. To turn around and say no now would damage the relationship with someone you really care about. If FIL's wife gets offended, well, she chose the same date. Once she realized it was the same day as SIL's she should have called it off or switched dates. It sounds like she's being manipulative. Does FIL realize the dates conflict? I would think he would want to be at his daughter's party with the rest of the family as well. My only thought is that maybe FIL's wife is feeling left out and would like to share in the hosting duties once in a while. If this is the case, she hasn't handled it very well but it's what she did. Maybe SIL could suggest to her that she host the party next year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I don't doubt that this is part of why she does some of the things she does. Their marriage was terribly soon after dh's mother passed away, and she, herself, had lost her husband just shortly before that (like maybe a month earlier). The suddenness of their marriage caused a rift between her and one of her own daughters (she has 2 daughters, no sons) that has never mended. As far as I know, she and her daughter still do not speak. There was some resentment from some of dh's siblings, too (there are 7 all together), but, for the most part, that was kept between the siblings as no one would dream of saying anything to FIL. As a group, we all said what we felt (to each other -- not to FIL), but everyone agreed that what FIL chose to do was none of our business. As far as I know, no one has said anything, and I believe that most of that initial resentment has resolved itself. I would be most happy to add FIL's wife to the rotation of who host the winter get-together. I think that SIL would not mind sharing the load, too -- except that this move has really hurt SIL in a way that I don't think I quite understand. I mean... I would be hurt, but SIL seems to be taking it very, very personally. I'm hurting for her because of that. I can't say that I understand FIL's wife at all. I don't "get" how she thinks this will work for her. I also don't understand why FIL just prefers to be oblivious to everything. It's a passive-aggressive dynamic that I just can't wrap my brain around. I'm sorry, but it's just so far out of my reach of understanding. I wonder if she is trying to see who is on "her side." Maybe she want some big family battle and wants to know who will line up with whom. Now WHY she would want that, I don't know. I hate stuff like this. It makes me go::willy_nilly: inside my head! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I don't think he had much, if anything to do with this. He is a person who prefers to remain in the dark when it comes to family plans, or plans of any kind, for that matter. He does know about it because he mentioned it to my dh (just off-handedly), but my dh says he thinks his dad is under the impression that the other party is going to be cancelled or moved. :confused: I think I'd have to explain to him point blank that this is just NOT done. I'd explain that lots of money has been put into this party that will be lost if it is canceled or moved, and that when someone RSVPs that they are going to attend a party it is incredibly rude and inconsiderate to then decide to host a party on the same day. I wouldn't 'let' him remain in the dark at all- I'd make him choose whether he condones being a complete ass or not, then you all can let go of ANY guilt about not going to MIL's party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertDweller Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I voted SIL's party. I've had situations come up like this with my kids, of course without all the drama. I've taught them that when you make plans with someone and are then invited to do something else on that same day, it is rude to cancel your plans with the first person. Even if the second invite sounds more fun or is with someone you would rather spend time with. Your MIL is wrong for what she's doing. I wouldn't go just because she's being manipulative. I don't like when people do that. But, that aside, you've already got plans. You would be wrong to now change your plans when you've already told SIL that you will be there. Two wrongs don't make a right. If MIL gets mad it's her own fault. She's the one trying to control the situation and make a mess of things. Not you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I want to thank everyone for their input. If there was any doubt in my mind before, I think that a 99% Hive consensus has made my decision quite clear. I also appreciate that many of you were able to see things in this situation that I could not. It is sometimes hard to see the bigger picture when you're one of the figures right in it. I didn't want to be angry about this, but I think that, after reading all of this (with my dh, btw) that I should be at least a bit miffed, not just for myself, but for the other parties involved here. Dh has said, as far as he's concerned, this may very well be that straw that breaks the camel's back. He's quite ticked, and really resenting the manipulation overall. So.... We're going to SIL's party, and if FIL's wife crosses my path in the meantime, I may be pushed to go all Southern on her a**, bless her heart! What I bolded is one of the greatest things about this board! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danivdp Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I just want to say I LOVE that nobody voted for MIL's party!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted November 28, 2010 Author Share Posted November 28, 2010 Such a united Hive! Will wonders never cease? So, I'm dying to know when these parties are being held and when we can get a report on what happened. Living and ocean away from our families means we have no family drama at the holidays (hurrah!) so I need to experience the drama vicariously. The parties aren't until Dec. 18. I'll update. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 We're going to SIL's party, and if FIL's wife crosses my path in the meantime, I may be pushed to go all Southern on her a**, bless her heart! Good for you! It sounds to me like you're FIL's wife was making a power play, and I hope it completely backfires on her! Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted November 28, 2010 Share Posted November 28, 2010 I just want to say I LOVE that nobody voted for MIL's party!! Somebody just did. Someone just couldn't bear having the hive in agreement? :confused: Bet they don't have the guts to speak up. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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