So, do you feel a need to have breaks from your children?

[KIN]

I"m on vacation with dh, our kids and MIL right now. We are having a wonderful time, but I've been realizing I need a vacation with just dh or myself and some girlfriends. I feel a bit guilty about it! Am I just being selfish to want a weekend to myself with no dishes, no diapers, no laundry, no meals, and so on?? So, do you get time to yourself? How much? When? Any weekends away?

[Jennifer in MI]

Oh man!! I can so relate to this!!! I have never done it because my kids have been too young to leave (with the exception of ds#3, but he had medical issues that made me too nervous to leave him!). But, this year we, as a family, took a real "vacation." It meant we stayed somewhere where we went out to eat for EVERY meal. We were at a hotel and had someone cleaning our room every day. Our entertainment was all taken care of. We had a BLAST. I was SOOOO relaxed and it felt like a true vacation.

 

I now differentiate between trips (ie those where you visit family or attend a wedding, or tour a city every day) and vacations. Sounds like you need a vacation!!! LOL

 

Not that there's anything against getting away with friends or your dh. It'll be a while before I can do that though!

[Karenciavo]

I don't feel like I need them, but I do enjoy them when they occur.

[JFSinIL]

Isn't that the purpose of a bathroom? Wait - doesn't work. They still find me.:glare:

 

Actually, last June it worked out that all FOUR kid's camps were the same week (I'm talking two Girl Scout camps, and the special needs camp where one twin is a counselor and his brother an attendee.) We spent three days at a bed and breakfast in Galena, IL and it was GREAT!!!! My kids were 15, 15, 13 and 11 at the time...so it had been a while since we had a break! (Does my going to the hospital with pneumonia back when we had only 3 kids count as a break? Sure felt like one!)

[lynn]

Yes, an hour or so everyday when I run. I also go to my moms or sisters for a weekend a couple times a year. DH and I try for one long weekend a year.

[Elm in NJ]

Yes I do. I go to London alone for 10 days (although I took my 12 year old with me last year) but the exchange rate is so ridiculous these days, I am thinking of finding a quiet farm area in August a few hours from here where I can just go for the weekend alone:D. I need a few days to myself before we start school again.

 

Elmeryl(with J12, C9, R7, L,7)

[MamaReese]

Yes, I think they are much needed and I am a better wife/mother because of it. Twice a year about 10-15 of us moms go away for the weekend. We rent a house within 1-2 hours of home and just have a fun girls weekend.

[percytruffle]

Of course you're not being selfish to want time with dh without the kids and the responsibilities that come with them :D . If you can afford to do it time wise and financially, you should. Time spent on your marriage is always well invested. It's the best thing you can do for your kids. If it's time away with girlfriends you need then do that. We all have different needs to fullfill and different ways to recharge our batteries.

 

That said, when my dc were young we never had a break from them, ever. We lived near no family and couldn't afford to go anywhere either. I would have loved to have had a break, but I made it through with my sanity still intact, for the most part ;).

[JennifersLost]

You know, as a mom with older kids now who is beginning to get more time "alone", I wish I had never spent one second of my life being guilty for wanting time to myself. I would never make dh guilty for wanting that. Now that the kids are bigger I never put a guilt trip on them for wanting time alone.

 

So....

 

EVERYONE STOP FEELING GUILTY!

 

It is normal to want to be alone. Completely normal. If you can't have that time now, don't feel guilty for wanting it. Let yourself be sad for not getting it, do what you can to plan for future breaks and move on.

 

Even mommies are human beings and it is okay for us to be fully rounded.

 

Remember - whatever you do while the kids are young will be what they think is expected of them when they're grownup. Do you want your daughters to feel like martyrs?

 

Didn't think so! :001_smile:

[Jenny in Atl]

You have to remember most of us are not around large extended families. If you look back in history, most families never raised kids all on their own. There were always others to help, to support you in the caring for your children; grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc.

 

I never felt a strong need to be away when mine were little, but now that they are older, I treasure a night out with my dh. it happens very rarely but when it does, it's magic.

[klmama]

That's why, right now, they are all outside talking to the neighbor kids while I sit here online, getting a little sanity break. :)

 

We've never taken more than an overnight away from them, but I think I'm ready to do it. The last time we went on vacation, the place we stayed was pretty empty so they gave us an upgrade to a two-room suite. Oh. My. It was wonderful to be able to shut a door between us at bedtime. They could wiggle and chatter for awhile without disturbing us, and we could talk without disturbing them. It was almost like having a private vacation. I hope the next time we go somewhere we can afford to spend the extra to get something like that again!

[Cheryl in NM]

A few years ago about 10 of us mom's went in on a resort suite. We ate, sat in the sauna, swam, drank, danced. It was only one night and it was a blast!

[Sue G in PA]

Time spent on your marriage is always well invested. It's the best thing you can do for your kids.

 

 

:iagree: I want my children to know how important my marriage to their father is. They know that they are important to us, but that our marriage is equally as important...if not more so. My dh and I don't get out for dates often and weekends away are even more scarce. BUT, we do TRY to do this once in a while to reconnect. As for my OWN time away by myself or with girlfriends...I find that I NEED that. I need time to recharge my batteries. I need time to laugh and cry and talk to human beings taller than 4ft and who understand what I'm dealing with on a daily basis, KWIM? My favorite places to go? Scrapbooking weekends at Sandy Cove, hs conferences, an overnight at a friend's house while their dh has her kids (doesn't happen very often). Once a month I go to dinner w/ friends from my old church to stay connected and get encouraged.

[Ellie]

for me, going grocery shopping alone, or a night out with [girlfriends, dh, all by me onesie] was enough. But I did want that little bit of time on a fairly regular basis.

 

Happily, dh was amenable to that, and perfectly capable of ministering at home to the dc when I was gone.:D

[Carol in Cal.]

I enjoy breaks from DH, but DD is so easy to be around that I never really feel the need to get away from her. The difference? With DD, I can get space while she is there by telling her that I need to not talk for a little while. This does not work with DH. At all.

[dangermom]

Oh yes. I'm something of an introvert, so daily quiet time is pretty essential to me; we have that after lunch. I would love to get a weekend away with my husband, but so far we haven't managed it, largely because of his heavy work schedule. We're working on it, though.

 

We try to go on dates every week. They are very important to us, and the kind of refuel me for the next week. I really feel it when it doesn't happen (like last weekend!).

 

I like to have evenings out with girlfriends every so often--tonight is my book club and I'm looking forward to that. Sometimes we just meet for an ice-cream cone or something for a birthday. And in a few weeks I get to go on a sort of women's weekend thingy done by my church, with two friends. I don't do it every year, but I would like to!

 

So, yes, I need time without the kids to stay sane. It makes me much happier to see them when I get enough of it. And I think they benefit from it too--they love having their babysitter come over, or special time just with Dad, or a sleepover at Grandma's (twice so far, hoping for more).

[Tracey in TX]

I value time alone to regroup and renew my commitment to my family. I go away for a week annually. This year will be the first time my family leaves me and I stay at home. As the children get older I don't need it as much, but still appreciate the temporary serenity. Someday they'll all be gone and I'll miss the mayhem. Until then I'd like to enjoy the craziness...to do so I need the "me" time.

 

Don't feel guilty!

[Doran]

All of these have been heard coming from my lips, said, of course, with a great big smile...in combination with a big hairy eyeball. :D

 

"I love you, dearly. But if I don't get a little space you may not like me much."

 

"You have invaded my bubble. Go away, and don't come back for half an hour."

 

"Guys, Mom needs a break. Go play in traffic."

 

"People, I'm gonna blow. Back away from the mothership!"

 

 

These are just the dailies. A more endearing approach is usually implemented for nights away, weekends away, etc.

 

"Kids, your father and I need to go remember why we like each other. We'll be back...eventually. (Heh)"

 

"We're off! You can tell us all about your new jobs when we come back."

 

"When's your next birthday? I'll be home by then."

 

 

Seriously, we tease about it, but our children know that our marriage came before children and that it is imperative for us to honor that by creating space for us. Likewise, dh and my children know I'm a better mother for having spent some time away. I am part of a women's group which meets twice a month, on Monday nights. I've participated in this kind of group off and on for years, and my family members all know that it contributes to my sanity.

 

I agree with JennifersLost -- there is zero guilt (well, okay, maybe a tad - I'm just so gooooood at guilt!), because in the end it is the best course of action for everyone.

[jmgconner]

I love having date nights with my DH. My MIL generally announces when she'll be off work to DH, suggesting he take me out on a date. Don't you love her? :D Zero guilt here. But, it took me a long time to get to this point. When DH and I were first together and my DS would have to leave for his weekend visitation with his bio-dad, I would cry and mope all weekend long. It literally took me years to get over that and realize what I was missing out on. Now that we have four children, I really cherish that time to get out of the house with just DH. Every Sunday afternoon, DMIL watches the children so that DH and I can go grocery shopping together. We love our grocery shopping dates. :lol:

 

I'm beginning to work up to alone time. I'm thinking the bookstore or browsing the local craft store sounds like so much fun!

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

Daily, I enjoy having a break away to chat on the phone for a few minutes with a friend, to read a few chapters in a book, or to soak in the tub. But dh and I only get a date night about once a month or two and it's very refreshing. It's not so much about being away from my children, but being with my dh alone! I'd like a little more of that!:001_smile:

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I need time completely alone to recharge and re-appreciate. If my head is too cluttered, I can't seem to be as focused on what I need to in order to be a good mother and wife. Dh will take the kids camping or to visit family for a weekend here and there. Sometimes I don't spend any of the time with anyone other than my cats. Sometimes, I am in need of time with friends. But I always do better when I have the space I need to recharge. I don't feel guilty for doing something that makes me feel better and that benefits my family as well.

Different people have different needs. If I ignore them, it does not do me or my family any good. We are all better off if I listen to what my head is telling me to do!

[Audrey]

I don't feel like I need them, but I do enjoy them when they occur.

:iagree:

[Sasharowan]

I have two girlfriends that have birthdays the same month as I do. We usually leave the kids with the dads for a full day at least and go do something fun like a water park. We are thinking about trying a night out this year since the youngest of the crew will be 2 1/2 and is mine. I'm perfectly willing to leave him with dad overnight. :)

[Danestress]

My twins are ten, and I find that a perfectly wonderful age. I really don't feel like I need a break from them much.

 

But when they were younger, yes. And when my eldest was a teenager, even more. Definitely. But I can pretty much soak all day in how fun ten year olds are!

 

I don't think anyone should ever feel guilty for needing time off, though. What I sometimes feel guilty about is how much I would love time alone BY MYSELF rather than with DH. I mean, I love date nights with DH and I love little trips with him, but one thing I would really love is to have a weekend for just me. Alone. One. Person.

[Elaine]

Isn't that the purpose of a bathroom? Wait - doesn't work. They still find me.:glare:

 

:lol: So true! We have 4 bathrooms and they still find me!:D

[3lilreds in NC]

When they were little, I sure did. With the girlies being a year apart, I nearly lost my mind there for a while. Some would state that I did lose it and have not yet found it again. :D

 

Now that they're a little older, it's gotten easier. Emma can talk the ear off a dead horse, but she and Abbie entertain each other well enough for the most part that it's not too bad. And that Schmooey, well, he's the best baby ever and although I wish he'd go to bed a little earlier some nights I just love being around him all the time.

 

I love when we have grandparents visit so dh and I can have a date. Sometimes when we go to Michigan my folks will keep the kids and we can go somewhere over night - that is always lovely. I don't know if we can do that this year with the boy, but there's always next year.

 

I guess I'm in a place right now where I don't "need" it like I have in the past, and like I'm sure I will in the future. I do miss getting to go out to my stitching night, but more because it's the only 2 hours per week that I got to do anything crafty and fun than a need to be away from the children.

 

I sure know how that need feels, though. Phew.

[nancypants]

I tell ya, even though I wasn't feeling well enough to fully enjoy the silence, I really needed the break today! Hubby and I are hoping to take our first weekend getaway EVER sometime this Summer... But our summer plans may be changing so I don't know if we will be able to do it as we won't be near family with whom we could leave the children. :sad:

[Peek a Boo]

for me, going grocery shopping alone, or a night out with [girlfriends, dh, all by me onesie] was enough. But I did want that little bit of time on a fairly regular basis.

 

Happily, dh was amenable to that, and perfectly capable of ministering at home to the dc when I was gone.:D

 

This is me also. Too much time away and i actually miss them.

It throws me off :)

 

But short spurts of away time a couple times a week? An hour here, 30 minutes there? You bet. I don't need too much time to regroup.

[Stacia]

I guess I'm probably the polar opposite of most on the boards. It's not so much needing time away as it is just a way of life for our family. We all do our own thing, at times. We are very close-knit & loving but don't see pursuing different interests/spending time apart as being the antithesis of being a very close family.

 

That said, it is probably waaaayyyy helpful that both sets of grandparents live w/in miles of us & all of them are still very active & love spending time w/ the grandkids. Just because dh & I spend time alone while the kids hang out w/ the grandparents, we don't see it as spending time apart but as building great memories w/ each other (dh & I) & that the kids are creating some great memories w/ their grandparents.

 

Prior to kids, dh & I loved to travel a lot. We slowed down a little bit after the kids were born, but have still done various trips together while the kids stayed w/ my parents (anywhere from a couple of days up to 2 weeks). We also travel as a family too (our immediate family &/or extended family members going along). The in-laws often have the kids over on Friday evenings (along w/ a cousin) for dinner & just-being-together time... meaning dh & I often get to go out then. My parents love for any of us to come hang out at their house. Just this evening, the kids & I hung out w/ my parents while dh vegged at home (just got back from a business trip & was tired). Hanging out together is normal. Hanging out apart from each other is normal.

 

Dh & I are equal parents as far as parenting/taking care of the kids. So, dh or I can easily run to the store, or an errand, or to the coffee shop to meet a friend, or go to a book club meeting, or whatever (sanity break) & it's not a big deal. It just is.

 

I've also taken the kids on trips many times w/out dh -- he stays home working & I'll take the kids to Charleston (sis lives there & parents have a beach home there we can use) or to DC or somewhere. Though I'm sure he misses us, I think he always breathes a little sigh of relief when we head off for a week or two, lol. (He gets the tv all to himself!) ;) And that's fine.

 

We are a family. We are part of a larger, loving extended family. And, we are individual human beings too. It's all good & it's all normal, imo.

[Amy in Orlando]

I really need time alone each day to be able to function at my best. I love spending time with my kids and dh, together and apart. But, if I don't get time alone, I'm useless. Fortunately my kids are old enough to get this and dh has always understood. It's so much easier now that the boys are older. Just this weekend, the kids spent time with my parents and dh and I went to the beach for a night! It's been years since we've been able to do that. It was great for all of us. And, I have no guilt about any of this.

[*anj*]

 

"People, I'm gonna blow. Back away from the mothership!"

 

 

"When's your next birthday? I'll be home by then."

 

 

These cracked me up. We have another one. I'll say "Step away from The Mom. Step away from The Mom." They always laugh and get the not-so-subtle hint.

 

I cannot tell you how much I crave time away from my children sometimes. I am finding that as they've gotten older I don't feel that I need it quite as often, but I need it nonetheless. I enjoy going on retreats and to conferences where I'll get some spiritual renewal as well.

Dh and I haven't been away together alone in years. I mean, probably 5 years. We need to do that again soon. But in the meantime we have a lock on our bedroom door. That's another good way to make sure everyone in the family understands that we (dh and I) have a long-standing relationship that is separate from our relationship with them. We don't get to go out alone as often as we'd like, but are sure to get our privacy here at home.;)

[Amy loves Bud]

Yep. I usually do something right after school is out. I've been to Cancun with a girlfriend, Boston to visit my brother, to China on a mission trip and to San Francisco with Bud. Last year I was so pregnant I didn't bother with it, and this year I'm nursing, so I won't be going anywhere.

 

But next year, I'm on the road, baby. And I'm not the type who needs time away on a day to day basis. It never really occurs to me. But it is really nice to have a couple of days to unwind and be without responsibilities after the school year is over.

[Peela]

When they were little, I would get "touched out" and need a physical break from them. But dh always worked from home, so when he had a break he wold send me to my room, or out of the house. I got breaks. my younger was very clingy and demanding (the Boy), despite attachment parenting, sharing my bed, BF till he was 3.5 etc- so overall, it never seemed like quite enough space and I always felt a little overloaded. But then they got older, more independent.

By the time the kids were 6/7 ish, dh and I would go for walks, or to the shops, while they watched tv. Or I would go out somewhere leaving the kids at home sometimes while dh worked at home. I know people in the U.S. find that horrifying, that kids that young are left without more direct supervision, and most people here don't do it either, but these two kids just happen to be sensible and down to earth, and they knew emergency routines, neighbours etc, and it just felt ok to us. My step daughter however was not a sensible kid and even though she is 5 years older than my oldest, we never left her in charge- they were safer without her there.

 

Now, I get heaps of space. They do their own thing. I have afternoon naps most days, and often spend a couple of hours in the afternoon, the evening AND the early morning, alone. I am naturally an "alone" type person, I love and need lots of space. And I get it.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I'm extremely ready to get away and have a few days to myself. It's been really hectic, and, frankly, I need to be alone!!!!!

 

I want to sit, watch chick flicks, read a book, and do nothing for noone except myself for about 3 days. :D

[Tammyla]

I didn't/don't live near family. There were no long breaks when they were young, but dh made sure I always had a little me time. My kids are older and we have plenty of time now:D. Mine grew up so quickly.;)

[Kim in Appalachia]

I find it in small batches, like when I run or do Pilates (which I prefer to do at the end of our school day if I can), or maybe a long bath.

 

I find it with my husband. We take "date" afternoons. Not often, maybe once every 2 months.

 

I also try to get a vacation away, I prefer this with my husband. :) This we do maybe every two to three years. Just a weekend.

 

I've gone on weekend retreats with my church, that is also very nice.

 

I need time that is quiet, where I can be alone and think.

 

I think these times are important. I find it helps me out.

[PineFarmMom]

Isn't that the purpose of a bathroom? Wait - doesn't work. They still find me.:glare:

quote]

 

Maybe they find you, but I've found that if I lock my bedroom door, THEN go in my bathroom, I can't hear them calling me quite as clearly and they can't get to me. lol

 

The answer, Yes, I do find I need a break from my kids.

 

Teresa

[Marie in Oh]

just me, a book, no phone, and a nice big tub. I am very social and never dreamed I would ever want ot go away alone. But after homeschooling and mothering 6 kids, it sounds blissful right now. HOw things have changed.

 

I would also relish a weekend away with my dh. But babysitting is always an issue-- the grandmas are incapable of caring for all of them. We'd have to split them omongst friends and most of our friends have large broods as well, so, not much of an option. It would be nice though.

[nutmeg]

...no dishes....no laundry, no meals, and so on???

These are the things I need a break from; not my kids. :001_smile:

[angela in ohio]

Yep, every night at 8:00 PM sharp, I get time to myself (well, with dh usually) for several hours. It is enough to keep me sane. Sometimes 8:00 comes at 7:45, it it's been a very rough day, LOL... :001_smile:

[LaMere Academy]

YES, I would love to just drive 5 miles to the ocean and get a beach side hotel room and be ALONE for 3 days. My dh says he would let me...I wonder if I actually made plans to go, if he would have any issues with it. I just want to be alone, to read, to think to lay on the beach and not have to watch anyone. To eat alone...all that good stuff. I know I could do it and I think I'm going to make it happen this summer.

[my2kidsmom]

It would be nice to have some alone time, but if I don't get it, I'm not going to go nuts or anything like that :).

 

I would really like to have a couple of days to be by myself, but then I know I would find myself missing my kids. DH has been working late for the past couple of months and there are at least 2-3 days each week that I am responsible for the kids and their every need from the time they wake up to the time they go to bed. DH is great about helping with them and doing the bedtime routine and spending time with them. Usually on Saturdays he gives me some time, if I ask, to run out and shop by myself. I usually still ask DD is she wants to go along with me. Sometimes she does and we have a great "mother-daughter" day without ds. She really likes spending time alone with me without her little brother.

 

But, a break would be nice.

[Kari C in SC]

Remember - whatever you do while the kids are young will be what they think is expected of them when they're grownup. Do you want your daughters to feel like martyrs?

 

Didn't think so! :001_smile:

 

This is very good advice. My dh and I have always gotten at least a weekend away here and there. A couple years ago, we went to St. John for our 15th anniversary. We liked it so much that we went back the next year. I remember my mom telling me if we could afford it we should go. She said she waited until she was in her 40's to do stuff with my dad and then he got sick when he was 48. He was really sick for the next 9 years until he died. She wishes she had taken more weekend trips and weeklong vacations with him while she had the chance.

 

So, my answer to this question is YES, I do plan time away from my kids. I always come back a better mommy. If my marriage is better than my family is better.

 

I used to get away with my sister-in-law for just a mommy weekend. We got to do that twice before she passed away. I am forever thankful that I didn't let mommy guilt keep me from making those memories with her.

[profmom]

I don't feel like I need them, but I do enjoy them when they occur.

 

I agree with Karen, with the exception of their bedtimes -- I do seem to "need" this break at the end of each day. We try to have them tucked in with their books at 8:00 and then lights out at 9:00. If it gets much later or if they keep popping out for drinks or to mention this or that, I can feel myself wanting to respond in a less-than-patient tone, which must be confusing for them since I was able to sweetly tell them good night just minutes earlier! I'm sure you guys understand -- it's so nice to be off-work, no longer on-call, done answering questions, and finished mentally keeping track of what everyone is doing (and whether it's what they should be doing( for the day. :)

 

So, in summary: early bedtimes :thumbup1:

kids up late :thumbdown:

 

:D

[profmom]

Yep, every night at 8:00 PM sharp, I get time to myself (well, with dh usually) for several hours. It is enough to keep me sane. Sometimes 8:00 comes at 7:45, it it's been a very rough day, LOL... :001_smile:

 

:D I understand!

 

I also thought I'd add that I remember needing an afternoon break too when I had a baby (during her nap). I would either take a nap too, or just have a quiet time in my room for a bit -- then come out ready to be put on my mom hat again.