Please help me feel better. I want a third and DH says no way

[Halcyon]

So. This has been ongoing for a couple of years. But now that I am the big 4-0 the desire to have my third has been intense. But DH absolutely does not want a third. We had a long discussion today, and I was so sad about it, and he was kind but very sure about his feelings. How do I get over my grief/sadness over this? I always wanted three children. And I knew he didn't, but I thought over time he would change his mind.

 

He is a wonderful father to our two fantastic boys. He just feels done. He wants more time to paint (his hobby), to enjoy his sons and have plenty of one-on-one time with each. Plus, financially, things are tough right now.

 

So it's not like I don't see where he's coming from. But a woman's biology is...a woman's biology. I want a third, and I'm beyond upset that really, there's no chance that he will change his mind.

[Starr]

Sorry :grouphug: I never got over it.

[Halcyon]

Sorry :grouphug: I never got over it.

 

Sigh. That's my fear. I mean, the grief won't always hurt so much, but I think that somewhere inside I'll always be sad about this. I am so grateful for my boys, please don't get me wrong. I appreciate how blessed I am, and how many women can't even have one child. But it doesn't change how I feel inside.

[May]

It's OK to always feel sad about it:grouphug: but I wouldn't share that feeling with my dh. He sounds like a wonderful husband and father:001_smile:

[HappyCrazyMama]

Sigh. That's my fear. I mean, the grief won't always hurt so much, but I think that somewhere inside I'll always be sad about this. I am so grateful for my boys, please don't get me wrong. I appreciate how blessed I am, and how many women can't even have one child. But it doesn't change how I feel inside.

 

:grouphug: It doesn't matter how many you have if you have the desire for another it's hard. When people ask if I'm going to have more I tell them I've been cut off but even though I joke sometimes it's just hard.:grouphug:

[Once Again]

I'm sorry for you. I am in the same situation.

[thepoteetteam]

You know....I didn't want more after our 3rd. Not at all. However, hubby quietly prayed for the Lord to change my heart and we now have 7 childrens. :) Sooooo, P R A Y!!!!!!

[littlebug42]

I mourned this loss as well. My husband is adamant that he does not want any more children. It is much the same circumstance. He is an excellent father to our daughters and loves them tremendously. He also has very sound reasons - we can't afford it, I have pregnancies that put me in the hospital etc. At first, it was hard for me to see it but I honestly am now at peace with it and I do not want any more children either. I think it would not be fair to my daughters now to take their mother away from them because honestly, I cannot function on any normal human level while pregnant. Also, my dear friend has a new baby and it reminds me of how hard they are and I just don't want to do it again anymore. I hope you can find peace with it as well.

[lswatson111304]

(((HUGS)))

I'm only 26, and DH is 30, but he says he is done. I'm taking the praying route. I know his reasons, and I understand, and logically he is right, but my heart and my body want another. So I'm going to pray for God to open this door, and DH's heart. Or, to put me at peace, if this is not His will.

[hornblower]

How about a puppy? :D

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I don't want to minimize your sadness & this is one of those hard issues with no real compromise position. The closest thing is a puppy. Or a pony.....

 

:grouphug: sorry you're feeling sad.

[Ali in OR]

Enjoy the stage of life that your kids are in now. It is easy to go on spontaneous walks or hikes, they're close enough in age to do things together, you can go to all of their sporting activities with ease. You can play board games in the evening, go bowling, go to the movies. You all have your health and your dh can provide for you. No matter what age you are or how many children you have, all of us at some point have to get used to the idea that child bearing is over. Go on and enjoy child rearing.

[jujsky]

I'm in the same boat. DH is done but I would love another. I actually don't even want another baby, but I'd love a toddler. DH has sound reasons for not wanting anymore, so like you I understand, respect, and accept those reasons, but it is really hard. My mom said she felt the same way until she hit 35, and then those intense feelings started to fade. I'm nearing 35 so I hope I have a similar experience.

[tiffijo1]

Glad to see that I am not the only mother who would like to have more children and am cut off! We have three daughters and I would love to have another or adopt. My husband is also very clear that we are not having any more!!

[Plucky]

I still drool at babies, especially the ones that look like mine. I'm looking forward to being a grandma (not for 8-10 yrs. hopefully). I still dream of being pregnant or having babies, last night I gave birth to kittens in my dream. LOL

 

While, I miss babies, I am loving the freedom I have. My kids can do almost everything for themselves. I can go out with my dh now. The kids don't wake up at dawn. I love, love, love the teens years. I am glad I'm not distracted by a 2 year old right now because my teens need me still.

 

If your dh hasn't had a vasectomy then he can't be entirely closed off from it. I became pregnant with two on birth control.

Edited August 20, 2010 by True Blue

[lauranc]

I am only just now at the point where I feel like I can get over the pain of not having a 4th. My husband was completely against it-- had some very valid reasons-- but it has been the cause of a lot of grief and a feeling of 'loss' for me.

 

However, now that my kids are older, I don't want another at all. I believe having 4 would have been a good decision, and all would be fine at this point; but having another child right now or in the future is not something I'm interested in anymore.

 

I am very focused on what I have-- living completely in the moment-- and that has been the biggest help to me. Seeing my blessings right here, right now has helped me move past a lot of the pain I was feeling. (although, I think I will always wonder 'what if')

[Sunkirst]

I'm in much the same situation, and it doesn't help that two of my best friends are newly pregnant. I think all the advice you've received is good (I've gotten 2 puppies in the past year, and they are well exercised, disciplined and loved!).

I keep reminding myself to lavish all the attention and affection that would go to a new baby on my beautiful children - to give them my very best, and to reinvest myself daily into all of the aspects of motherhood (big changes on the horizon with a 12 year old). Also, I'm looking back 13 years to that time before children and remembering those goals. My DH does not want any more children, but he is very willing to help me with my dreams (and we are in a much better place to pursue those dreams now). The more I move forward on personal growth, the less I feel that longing to feel a new life within. I don't know that it will ever fully depart, but it has lessened.

 

:grouphug:

[Halcyon]

I still drool at babies, especially the ones that look like mine. I'm looking forward to being a grandma (not for 8-10 yrs. hopefully). I still dream of being pregnant or having babies, last night I gave birth to kittens in my dream. LOL

 

While, I miss babies, I am loving the freedom I have. My kids can do almost everything for themselves. I can go out with my dh now. The kids don't wake up at dawn. I love, love, love the teens years. I am glad I'm distracted by a 2 year old right now because my teens need me still.

 

If your dh hasn't had a vasectomy then he can't be entirely closed off from it. I became pregnant with two on birth control.

 

 

He hasn't had a vasectomy, but wants one. I told him he can't. (if he can say 'no more babies' to me, then i get to say 'no vasectomy' to him. Just kidding. Sorta ;)

[Plucky]

How about a puppy? :D

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I don't want to minimize your sadness & this is one of those hard issues with no real compromise position. The closest thing is a puppy. Or a pony.....

 

:grouphug: sorry you're feeling sad.

 

Or a kitten. Pets can fill that void. I think there is a reason I have 4 cats & a dog. :lol:

[Greta]

It is hard. My dh said "no more" after just one. I'm 36 and I tell you, the last couple of years, my biological clock has not been ticking, it has been SCREAMING!!! I have shed many tears over this. My heart has ached in a way that I think my dh just can't comprehend.

 

But I have found my "mostly peace" with the situation. I can't claim I never have feelings of wanting another child any more, but 98% of the time I am happy with things the way they are. When I start feeling sad about it, I force myself to count my blessings. It might sound cheesy but I tell you it works - it sure works a lot better than feeling sorry for myself, though I can be pretty good at that at times! :D. I think about the fact that my dd and I both benefit from the very close-knit relationship we have, how much time and energy I have available for her. I think about the fact that being a small family gives us some freedoms and flexibility that large families don't have. And I think about the fact that financially we will be better able to give my dd some good experiences and a good start on her adult life.

 

I also count my blessings about what I don't have. For me, that post-pardum period was very hard both physically and emotionally. As grateful as I am to have had the experience of breastfeeding my daughter four times per night, I'm just fine not repeating that. ;). I'm not the best mom when it comes to the baby and toddler years. Dealing with that at the same time that I'd be dealing with my daughters early teen years would be . . . challenging.

 

I think about other people in my situation or in WORSE situations, like being unable to conceive, or seeing a child face a terminal illness, or dealing with the tragic loss of a child. Truly, I'm insanely blessed to have a healthy, happy child. It's nothing short of a miracle.

 

My faith has played a big role in my ability to find some peace as well, but I won't get into that too much in case you are not a person of faith.

 

But basically, reminding myself of the above, and doing it the moment those feelings of desire start so that I don't allow them to take root, really, truly helps.

 

Oh, another thing that has been very important for me is learning to trust my husband in this. He knows how much he can handle and how much he can't, and I have to honor that. Also, I know he has our dd's best interests in mind in his decision, and that is HUGE for me.

 

:grouphug: I am sorry. It's hard.

[kokotg]

Or a kitten. Pets can fill that void. I think there is a reason I have 4 cats & a dog. :lol:

 

I already have 3 dogs, 2 cats, and 10 chickens. I think I'm going to have to either have another baby or maybe get a turtle. I'm running out of baby substitutes!

[Wyndie]

It is hard. My dh said "no more" after just one. I'm 36 and I tell you, the last couple of years, my biological clock has not been ticking, it has been SCREAMING!!! I have shed many tears over this. My heart has ached in a way that I think my dh just can't comprehend.

 

But I have found my "mostly peace" with the situation. I can't claim I never have feelings of wanting another child any more, but 98% of the time I am happy with things the way they are. When I start feeling sad about it, I force myself to count my blessings. It might sound cheesy but I tell you it works - it sure works a lot better than feeling sorry for myself, though I can be pretty good at that at times! :D. I think about the fact that my dd and I both benefit from the very close-knit relationship we have, how much time and energy I have available for her. I think about the fact that being a small family gives us some freedoms and flexibility that large families don't have. And I think about the fact that financially we will be better able to give my dd some good experiences and a good start on her adult life.

 

I also count my blessings about what I don't have. For me, that post-pardum period was very hard both physically and emotionally. As grateful as I am to have had the experience of breastfeeding my daughter four times per night, I'm just fine not repeating that. ;). I'm not the best mom when it comes to the baby and toddler years. Dealing with that at the same time that I'd be dealing with my daughters early teen years would be . . . challenging.

 

I think about other people in my situation or in WORSE situations, like being unable to conceive, or seeing a child face a terminal illness, or dealing with the tragic loss of a child. Truly, I'm insanely blessed to have a healthy, happy child. It's nothing short of a miracle.

 

My faith has played a big role in my ability to find some peace as well, but I won't get into that too much in case you are not a person of faith.

 

But basically, reminding myself of the above, and doing it the moment those feelings of desire start so that I don't allow them to take root, really, truly helps.

 

Oh, another thing that has been very important for me is learning to trust my husband in this. He knows how much he can handle and how much he can't, and I have to honor that. Also, I know he has our dd's best interests in mind in his decision, and that is HUGE for me.

 

:grouphug: I am sorry. It's hard.

 

Thank you so much for this response. :grouphug:

[4besitos]

It is a hard place to be. I have always wanted (and I mean since 11 or 12) wanted 8 children. We have 4 and one miscarriage. I want to continue but my husband is at the done point. I just turned 43, my "baby" 4 in July. And I am heartbroken. I have prayed for peace for me and an open heart for him. It doesn't seem like I will get my 8....and there is grief that goes with the dream not reached. Especially one that is reacheable. I concentrate more on the peace for me prayers. And I try and find all the good things with the ages I have. It is hard...my closest friends are still growing their families. And it is bittersweet, happiness for them....sorrow for me.

[1bassoon]

I'm so sorry. . . .. .

 

I (obviously) haven't been there, so I hope this is encouraging to you. If not, please ignore me! (But hopefully not permanently ;))

 

One of the biggest blessings in my life was at a time when I had a pile of young'uns. A dear friend - who had two children, yet wanted more - took it as her mission to take one of my kids at a time, and love on them, and minister to me in that way. It was such a gift to me.

 

Perhaps you can turn your feelings of sadness into a heart of service?

 

I don't mean to minimize your anguish, and I hope this isn't hurtful. It's said with love and compassion - and I hope that comes across.

[Corraleno]

So. This has been ongoing for a couple of years. But now that I am the big 4-0 the desire to have my third has been intense. But DH absolutely does not want a third. We had a long discussion today, and I was so sad about it, and he was kind but very sure about his feelings. How do I get over my grief/sadness over this? I always wanted three children. And I knew he didn't, but I thought over time he would change his mind.

 

He is a wonderful father to our two fantastic boys. He just feels done. He wants more time to paint (his hobby), to enjoy his sons and have plenty of one-on-one time with each. Plus, financially, things are tough right now.

 

So it's not like I don't see where he's coming from. But a woman's biology is...a woman's biology. I want a third, and I'm beyond upset that really, there's no chance that he will change his mind.

Well, I'll play devil's advocate here....if you want another and he doesn't, why does he "win"? If his reasons for not wanting another child are that he wants to paint and spend time with your two boys, why would having another prevent him from doing those things? And yes, babies are expensive, but if you have to economize, it's certainly doable. Now, if your previous pregnancies were incredibly difficult and you were bed-ridden for months, or your life was put at risk, I can understand him not wanting to take that risk. But if you're going to spend the rest of your life grieving for a child you never had, so he can have more leisure time and disposable income right now, well that doesn't seem fair to me. He'll have plenty of time to paint and plenty of disposable income once the kids are grown and gone — you will have this grief and regret for the rest of your life. Can't you compromise some other way, instead of him getting his way and you being miserable?

 

After DS was born, I wasn't able to have any more bio kids for medical reasons. I desperately wanted another, although DH would have been fine with just one. There were many times when he felt that our journey through international adoption h*ll was just not worth it and wanted me to quit, but now that we have DD she's the absolute light of his life and he's soooo glad I never gave up.

 

I hope you can work something out that you will both be OK with. :grouphug:

 

Jackie

[at the beach]

:grouphug: I agree that a woman's biology is a woman's biology. I cannot tell you how fiercely I've wanted more children. It was at its worst between 40-43. It's subsiding recently to my relief. I can say that I do know not all women have this burning desire the way some do. I can't really relate to the women I know who tell me that they are perfectly happy to stop after one or two or none. We have three daughters. We struggled to have a second for years. I wanted just one more baby so desperately. I got pregnant out of the blue while we were considering fertility treatments. My first and second are eight years apart. Then, we got pregnant with our third and I felt like we'd hit the jackpot. But a few years later I yearned for more again. It didn't happen. When I had one child, I thought families with three kids were huge families. Now that I have three, I think four or five would have been nice. I had my last at 33, and I wish we'd have had more, but it wasn't meant to be. My husband and I both wanted more but I was much more driven about it. I finally tried to accept that I can't always have what I want and that by longing for what I don't have takes away from the beauty of what I do have. I truly am blessed.

 

As for your situation, I don't blame you for saying no to a V. I would never agree to that. And I'd expect my husband to honor my wishes, too, just as he is expecting you to honor his. I don't know what religion you are (if any), but I know that I'd be looking into spiritual couple counseling. And like someone else said, if you are sleeping together, the consequence could be another child. I think you should share your heartache over this with your husband. It would be unfair for you to shoulder the grief you feel on your own.

 

ETA: And I definitely agree with Jackie's post.

Edited August 20, 2010 by Violet

[Halcyon]

Well, I'll play devil's advocate here....if you want another and he doesn't, why does he "win"? If his reasons for not wanting another child are that he wants to paint and spend time with your two boys, why would having another prevent him from doing those things? And yes, babies are expensive, but if you have to economize, it's certainly doable. Now, if your previous pregnancies were incredibly difficult and you were bed-ridden for months, or your life was put at risk, I can understand him not wanting to take that risk. But if you're going to spend the rest of your life grieving for a child you never had, so he can have more leisure time and disposable income right now, well that doesn't seem fair to me. He'll have plenty of time to paint and plenty of disposable income once the kids are grown and gone — you will have this grief and regret for the rest of your life. Can't you compromise some other way, instead of him getting his way and you being miserable?

:grouphug:

 

Jackie

 

I went through this battle in my head too. Why does he get to 'win'? But I realize it's not about 'winning', but about working with him as a partner in life. And if my partner doesn't want something as big a deal as a kid, I know I need to honor that, much as I don't want to. I can't bring a kid into this world to a father who in any way resents him. I just can't. I need to know that he is 1000% behind me, behind our family, and behind a new addition.

 

I dream that one day he'll turn to me and say "Honey, I've been thinking. I think I've changed my mind."

 

A girl can dream, right?

[NanceXToo]

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

 

I have three. And lately I've been thinking I would love to have one more. I'm 37 and I'm starting to feel like I don't have much time left to have that choice be mine. That it will be too late soon.

 

But the choice already ISN'T mine because my husband said no. He doesn't want any more kids. He feels we have enough, that he doesn't want to "start over," that it's just getting easier to do things and to have people watch the kids if we want to go out and whatever.

 

And I'm like who cares about that?! A child is only so young that you have to worry about that kind of thing for such a very small percentage of his or her life (and yours!)

 

It makes me really sad. And kind of mad- like who is he to deny me a child if I want one?! Why should his desire not to have another child trump mine TO have one? Why would he fight me on that if it's important to me? What's THAT BAD about having kids and being a dad?! I know he'd love any new addition as much as he loves his other kids, so why act like it's such a horrible thing?

 

I resent that he's taking the choice away from me, and I feel like he doesn't really get it, because he can father kids til he's an old man. Women, on the other hand, have a window of opportunity, and it is pretty heart rending when you feel yours slipping away.

 

Sigh.

 

I have to try to content myself with the fact that my littlest is still only 4- I get to keep him home with me and homeschool and enjoy all of his childhood. And it IS kind of nice that he's getting a bit more independent, more well-behaved, a better listener, no more diapers, no more trunks full of strollers and portacribs every time we go somewhere, no more totally sleepless nights, we can be more spontaneous and do more things.

 

I'm trying to "look on the bright side."

 

But still I don't know if I'll ever entirely get over not being "allowed" to have one more baby. That is a very hard thing to take. I can't stand it myself. I'm honestly not sure how to fully come to terms with it. So I really do feel for you.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I went through this battle in my head too. Why does he get to 'win'? But I realize it's not about 'winning', but about working with him as a partner in life. And if my partner doesn't want something as big a deal as a kid, I know I need to honor that, much as I don't want to. I can't bring a kid into this world to a father who in any way resents him. I just can't. I need to know that he is 1000% behind me, behind our family, and behind a new addition.

 

I dream that one day he'll turn to me and say "Honey, I've been thinking. I think I've changed my mind."

 

A girl can dream, right?

 

I think this is the right attitude. I also think that doing the right thing doesn't make it one bit easier, and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

The hardest thing I have ever done in my whole entire life was to stop having babies. I also am waiting to get over it.

 

(In my case, I had hugely jeopardized my health with each baby because of my lupus. It wasn't until the last baby's health was also jeopardized that I realized that further pregnancies would probably lead to real loss and sadness for my family.)

[Halcyon]

I think this is the right attitude. I also think that doing the right thing doesn't make it one bit easier, and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

The hardest thing I have ever done in my whole entire life was to stop having babies. I also am waiting to get over it.

 

(In my case, I had hugely jeopardized my health with each baby because of my lupus. It wasn't until the last baby's health was also jeopardized that I realized that further pregnancies would probably lead to real loss and sadness for my family.)

 

Thank you for your kind words. Thank you everyone.

[HRAAB]

After we had three children, my dh was done. I wanted another. He didn't. I wanted one badly. He didn't. One day while we were driving I just broke down and sobbed. I am not a cryer. He pulled the car over and asked what was wrong. I told him. My heart was breaking. I wanted a baby. It wasn't logical. It was reasonable. I just was what it was, and the feeling was not going away. Later that evening he came to me and said if I truly felt that strongly about another child, and because I was the one to carry the child, give birth, nurse, etc., and because my fertility is limited, that he didn't feel he had the right to stand in my way and we should have another. Well, the other baby turned out to be twins!!! :lol: And once the twins were delivered, I knew I was done. Not once since then, have I felt the desire for more. Dh is so very, very glad we had another. When he found out it was twins, he was the proudest man around.

 

I'm thinking this might not make you feel better, but I'm sharing my story so you know things can change. Unless he has a vasectomy, there is hope. People change their minds. Please share your deepest feelings with him. I'm very glad I did because I do fear this is something that could have driven a wedge in our marriage.

[Halcyon]

After we had three children, my dh was done. I wanted another. He didn't. I wanted one badly. He didn't. One day while we were driving I just broke down and sobbed. I am not a cryer. He pulled the car over and asked what was wrong. I told him. My heart was breaking. I wanted a baby. It wasn't logical. It was reasonable. I just was what it was, and the feeling was not going away. Later that evening he came to me and said if I truly felt that strongly about another child, and because I was the one to carry the child, give birth, nurse, etc., and because my fertility is limited, that he didn't feel he had the right to stand in my way and we should have another. Well, the other baby turned out to be twins!!! :lol: And once the twins were delivered, I knew I was done. Not once since then, have I felt the desire for more. Dh is so very, very glad we had another. When he found out it was twins, he was the proudest man around.

 

I'm thinking this might not make you feel better, but I'm sharing my story so you know things can change. Unless he has a vasectomy, there is hope. People change their minds. Please share your deepest feelings with him. I'm very glad I did because I do fear this is something that could have driven a wedge in our marriage.

 

See, it's things like this that give me hope, which I don't know is a good thing or not. I don't know if I should stay 'hopeful' that he'll change his mind, or accept how he feels and move on. I feel if I stay 'hopeful' then I will always be on high alert to his feelings, any potential swaying of them, etc and not just simply live in the moment, be grateful for the way things are,etc. I don't want to be living for some mythical future moment where I will "finally get to be happy" (i say that in quotes because of course, I am HAPPY with my boys too!) because I get a third child. I want to live in the present. So part of me feels I should just accept the way things are, and stop thinking about it (Haha, as if that's possible to turn it off like a switch.).

 

I don't know if I should 'hope' for a change of heart on his part, when i really, really think that's unlikely. With tears in my eyes, I asked him today "are you really, truly sure?" and he said "Yes. Ii am sure. No more kids." He knows my heartbreak. But he still says no.

[katemary63]

I wanted more children after our third, DH did not. I waited and prayed.....9 years later he changed his mind. :D

 

I know that doesn't really help the OP since she is nearing 40, but you never know and there are other's who posted who are in the same boat but younger.

 

Having said that, I spent a lot of time thinking about this and I think I know what I would have done to help myself get over it. I think I would put my energy into something else very worth while. Like being a Big Sister, or doing good in some way for someone else. I'm not sure exactly what, my plan was to find something that satisfied that nurturing need I had. Of course, it is not a subsitute, but it is a way to make something positive out of it. (I still plan to volunteer at a neonatal unit when I'm too old to do anything else and just rock the babies!)

 

Sorry, But I also do not think it would be a good idea to make your DH feel bad about his decision. It wouldn't be not fair to him. And two children is such a blessing. You have to try to see the cup as half full and not half empty. (Cliche, I know...but true.) :grouphug:

[justamouse]

I can't even imagine. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[justamouse]

After we had three children, my dh was done. I wanted another. He didn't. I wanted one badly. He didn't. One day while we were driving I just broke down and sobbed. I am not a cryer. He pulled the car over and asked what was wrong. I told him. My heart was breaking. I wanted a baby. It wasn't logical. It was reasonable. I just was what it was, and the feeling was not going away. Later that evening he came to me and said if I truly felt that strongly about another child, and because I was the one to carry the child, give birth, nurse, etc., and because my fertility is limited, that he didn't feel he had the right to stand in my way and we should have another. Well, the other baby turned out to be twins!!! :lol: And once the twins were delivered, I knew I was done. Not once since then, have I felt the desire for more. Dh is so very, very glad we had another. When he found out it was twins, he was the proudest man around.

 

I'm thinking this might not make you feel better, but I'm sharing my story so you know things can change. Unless he has a vasectomy, there is hope. People change their minds. Please share your deepest feelings with him. I'm very glad I did because I do fear this is something that could have driven a wedge in our marriage.

 

That is the most wonderful story. It totally teared me up.

Edited August 21, 2010 by justamouse

[MistyJ]

I wasn't able to have more than 2, and my heart breaks almost daily. (My youngest is 10).

 

My heart was breaking today at church, and when I went out to my car, a couple my age, (40's) whom I know cannot have children, was just arriving. My pain won't stop, but I made a decision today that I can offer it up for infertile couples, since that is a pain I cannot imagine.

 

I do have 3 dogs.

[OrganicAnn]

I feel lucky to have one, since it could have been none. I focus on how lucky we are for what we have and not what we don't have.

[JennyD]

.

I keep reminding myself to lavish all the attention and affection that would go to a new baby on my beautiful children - to give them my very best, and to reinvest myself daily into all of the aspects of motherhood (big changes on the horizon with a 12 year old). Also, I'm looking back 13 years to that time before children and remembering those goals. My DH does not want any more children, but he is very willing to help me with my dreams (and we are in a much better place to pursue those dreams now). The more I move forward on personal growth, the less I feel that longing to feel a new life within. I don't know that it will ever fully depart, but it has lessened.

 

:grouphug:

 

This is so lovely, and such great advice.

[catz]

I wanted a 3rd for a LONG time. I turned 40 this year too. My husband has resisted. He got a vasectomy this year. Honestly, over the past couple years that desire has eased quite a bit. I feel gratitude for my 2 healthy kids and gratitude that I can homeschool them. Honestly, I can see 2 really is the right number for my DH in terms of balance. And we are comfortable financially, but things would change with more in terms of music lessons, activities, travel, etc.

 

I have a 42 year old friend who has no children and struggled going through IVF, which just makes my heart break for her. But my heart is full. :001_smile:

[catz]

This is so lovely, and such great advice.

 

Sunkirst - that was lovely. Thank you! That's exactly how I feel too.

[Joyfullyblessed]

I am sorry that you are going through this right now. I am a big believer that more children shouldn't be added to a family if both parties involved are not in agreement. I have seen this cause much tension in marriages. I would be another who suggests praying about this situation and allowing God to guide you, comfort you, and bring a peace to you with whatever happens.

 

I have an in-home childcare and so even though I am almost 39 and do not want any more children, I still get my baby fix daily M-F. I get them early in the morning (6:45) and keep them till 5:30 pm. I get to snuggle them, love on them, see all their wonderful accomplishments, etc... and then I give them back to the parents for the evening and night time. It is perfect! :)

 

However, I know that not everyone can have their own childcare. So, maybe working in the nursery at church would be something that would help you to get your baby fix. I don't know, I am simply providing some suggestions in hopes of helping you feel a little better.

 

Best wishes with everything and remember, pray! It is AMAZING what prayer can do.... AMAZING! :D

[ma23peas]

One of the greatest struggles! Self-directive-spouse...directive-spouse-self...spouse-self-directive....which one?

 

I truly feel that women do have a hormonal-deeply intrinsic drive to have children...some more than others...it's what I call the directive (go forth and multiply)...heck, I'm 42 and the past 6 months have tossed the idea of having a fourth (our youngest is 11)...I firmly believe it was all hormonally/directive driven...because when I really sat down and looked at the options...there are so many variables against us....dh working 2 jobs to work us out of debt from having 2 mortgages for 31 months...3 children in junior high/high school...physical limitations (I have back injuries related to car accident, but I'm fine 90% of the time, but pregnancy really stresses it)...but then I have to look outside of that box and even the negatives..

 

My spouse...I also believe that if you are not both in agreement, it can lead to insurmountable stressors...bringing a baby into this can be tragic for all...I firmly believe our allegiance as women should be first to God, then to our spouse, then to our children..we really should never be self-focused (as opposing as that is to what our culture tells us!) b/c if we have those three in balance, God handles our desires...He is looking out for our self...we don't have to.

 

Praying is the best medicine, but you need to get your thoughts in line with what is God's will....and having these discussions with husband is an excellent way for him to help see your struggles and get a prayer partner to help you clearly see the will for both of your lives...

 

I finally realized, if God wants to bring a baby into this family, it can be through foster care, or other means....(dh had a v) and if that time comes, dh and I would have to be in 100% agreement...we're serving Him not ourselves...so we've learned over time to not ever say never, God doesn't use that very often! :)

Tara

[amy g.]

I'm in the opposite situation. My husband will always want "just one more". He knows that, so from the beginning, he has said that I can decide how many and what spacing I want.

 

After the first three, I was overwhelmed, and said I was through, but after they were older, and independent, I wanted more.

 

It is such a blessing, that I was able to have two more at 40 and 43, but let me tell you, it has been HARD.

 

Yesterday, I went to the beach with my best friend, and I was complaining about how I do not have one second to myself, and I'm so worn out, and it is making me a less than ideal parent which is something I never wanted.

 

She gave me good support about how hard it must be, but she also shared her pain about only having one.

 

There are good and bad points of every family size. She was happier when she focused on how free her life is getting now that her only is getting older, and I was happier focusing on how lucky my kids are to have each other, and to be best friends.

[happyWImom]

 

I think about other people in my situation or in WORSE situations, like being unable to conceive, or seeing a child face a terminal illness, or dealing with the tragic loss of a child. Truly, I'm insanely blessed to have a healthy, happy child. It's nothing short of a miracle.

 

I am 43, and have been wanting another for years. But, my age is against me now, plus dh has had a vasectomy, plus we had infertility issues with the other 2. So, I just have to somehow accept it.:sad: I try to think the way Greta does-I am so blessed with the children I have now, and luckier than a lot of people. It doesn't make the wanting go away, though.

[Impish]

I just posted my own thread. I completely understand. :grouphug:

[Lolly]

I was happy with our first three. Fully content. (Dealt with infertility to get them here.) Then, #4 popped his little head into the family. I wanted #5 if it could just happen on its own like that. (Actually, I had dreamed of having 5 children for as long as I can remember. I know when I was 4 I told my grandmother that I was going to have 5.) Dh did NOT. I told him that if he didn't want more, he would need to take care of stopping it. He did. Since then, it hurt terribly at some times. The hurt dulls. It even went away. I was once again happy with the 4 we do have. Everyone at the same basic point of development and all that. A couple of days ago, I ran into an old friend who has kids the age of mine. (They moved about 10 years ago.) I was shocked to find out that they have a 3 yo. I got to see that precious child yesterday. Now, I desperately crave another one again. At least I do know that this feeling will pass. Again. At this point, I think I'll focus on those grandbabies that should be coming my way in the future...:D

[Audrey]

I went through this battle in my head too. Why does he get to 'win'? But I realize it's not about 'winning', but about working with him as a partner in life. And if my partner doesn't want something as big a deal as a kid, I know I need to honor that, much as I don't want to. I can't bring a kid into this world to a father who in any way resents him. I just can't. I need to know that he is 1000% behind me, behind our family, and behind a new addition.

 

 

 

 

That's really the crux of it. You can't compromise on an issue like this. You either have a kid or you don't. You can't half have a kid. It may not be easy, but being open about your reasons (both spouses) and trying to understand and respect the other will go a long way in reconciling the issue.

[Halcyon]

Thanks everyone. Sigh. I don't pray much, but I am praying now :)

[HappyCrazyMama]

Thanks everyone. Sigh. I don't pray much, but I am praying now :)

And it is certainly OK to dream and hope. I'm not giving up either until I suspect my season of fertility has passed. :grouphug: (I'm almost 39)

[WishboneDawn]

How about a puppy?

 

Not such a bad suggestion. I had a tough time accepting that two would be it. We recently got a puppy and all of a sudden I feel like a vacancy has been filled. That and I'm reminded just how hard a baby would be to deal with right now. :)

[melissel]

I just wanted to chime in with another "me too." For some reason, this longing has raised its head high over the last week or so :confused: My head is filled with memories and visions of babyhood and nursing :( But DH is also adamant that we're done.

 

I comfort myself with all of my own good reasons not to have another--for one, I'll need pelvic floor surgery if I have another, and I REALLY REALLY don't want that. But...even that's looking less formidable these days *sigh* And I can't even get a pet, because DH is allergic to everything!

 

You are not alone, and I'm sorry that you're grieving :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: