S/O Ultrasound gender disappointment

[ChrisOR]

Has anyone else, besides me, experienced disappointment over the gender of your unborn baby? And then the guilt over feeling disappointed over gender in spite of the healthy baby? I'm assuming others have since we moms have such complex emotions. :001_unsure:

 

I have three children in this order -- DS, DD, DS -- and expecting another DS in 8 weeks. This is the only baby we've learned the gender of prior to the big day. I much prefer the surprise, now that I've gone through disappointment during this pregnancy. I've never been disappointed at the birth, after going through 9 months of anticipation culminating in the relief at the birth. However, a friend of mine said maybe it was a good thing to know early this time, because what if I had been disappointed after his birth.

 

Anyway, DH and I both hoped for another girl for DD to have a sister and also because its been quite awhile since we've had a little baby girl around. DH told me the disappointment was not abnormal, and that it wasn't unusual to take some time to work through that. He, too, was disappointed but is so much more logical about things, he was over it much quicker.

 

Silly things were bugging me like knowing that we have a stash of lovely girl clothing, and the stash of hand-me-down boy clothing is getting kind of ratty after two boys already. For quite a few weeks, I knew in my head that God planned this little one just to be who he is, but my heart didn't feel it yet.

 

I've worked through it now and am getting excited about the baby. Sewing for him has been a good project.

[Carrie12345]

A little bit.

 

Naming #4 was such a HUGE ordeal that I have to admit I was sort of hoping for a girl. We never argue over girl names! So, here we are, at 19weeks+, and completely avoiding naming this boy.

 

Granted, having another boy will make rooming situations easier, but still. This poor kid may be referred to as Number Five until he picks his own name!

[kalanamak]

I don't know if I would have. I always wanted a girl, until I was pregnant, and then I hoped for a boy because hubby already has daughters, and he is "all male" (not macho) and I wanted it for him. Additionally, my dad was 94 when kiddo was born, and I was really happy I could name a child after him. I think it was some sunshine in his last 3 years.

 

And, as the years have rolled by, I became aware there are tomboy moms, like myself, who have, and struggle with, girly-girl daughters. My longing for a daughter turned into apprehension. Honestly, I look at girls clothes nowadays, and I think "TG I have a boy".

 

But would I have been disappointed? I guess I'll never know. :)

Edited July 30, 2010 by kalanamak

[The Girls' Mom]

I was. I had always wanted a boy. We had DD1, and I was ok with it. Then I was pregnant with the twins. There were NO boy grandchildren. EVeryone shared in my excitement/hope that with TWO babies at least one HAD to be a boy. Then, nope, both girls. I actually cried.

 

That said, I now LOVE having 3 girls. I can't imagine it any other way. They are so rough and tumble sometimes it scares me what boys would have been like with my dh's genes! :lol: I decided that it was a good thing God knows better than we do.

[Tabrett]

First dc was a girl. I wanted a boy with dc # 2 and cried in the car after the ultrasound. I LOVE my dd and wouldn't trade her for any boy! I just wanted a boy really bad. I have had 2 boys since! You are so emotional when you are pregnant. I was embarrassed at how I reacted, but it passed. All is good!

[mamato3 all-boy boys]

I was disappointed in finding out the gender of ds#3. I really, really wanted a girl so that there could be a granddaughter on my side (my brother has 3 boys in addition to my boys). Fo whateve reason ds11 (who was at the time)wanted a baby sister. The technician whispered the gender to ds11 and it was he who told us we were having a boy. My heart just broke for my oldest!

 

As I adjusted to the news, I was reminded of one of my first dates with my husband -- I told him I wanted 3 boys. And in more recent years (especially around Easter), I'm reminded that what I really wanted was a doll -- or a rent-a-daughter so that I could dress her in adorable clothes.

 

I know now that God had a plan for our family, and I'm more than content.

[....]

I did too...:blushing: I was very upset when I found out that we were actually having a second kid and that our second kid was a boy. I just thought we were going to have a girl and that would be our family. Boy, was I an idiot!! :lol: That was like 200 kids ago. I had a girl, a boy, another girl and then another girl. Geez, I don't even know if we're finished having kids yet! There's lightsabers, Barbies, sippy cups and Lego Star Wars all over our house. That boy is constantly swinging swords and toy guns around to protect his 2 yro sister from giant man-eating beetles and prehistoric raptors. Now, I couldn't imagine life without him flying fighter jets through the living room and doing combat rolls behind the couch. Wow, I never saw myself homeschooling either...:tongue_smilie:...things obviously don't work out they way they're planned. :lol: You sure do learn a lot about life when you become a parent. :D

Edited July 30, 2010 by starrbuck12

[Smithie]

I have learned the gender of all 3 of my kids, and I was disappointed that #1 was male. But I absolutely got over it, maybe even before he was born. Certainly in the instant that he was born.

 

Just feel how you feel, and let it pass. It WILL pass. You are an experienced mama who knows how to attach! Don't even worry about it.

[Scuff]

Everyone was hoping for a brother this time around. When the tech announced she was a girl, there was silence in the room. Now everyone's getting excited about a sister, but it did take time. :)

[Mom0012]

With my first, I was thrilled to find out he was a boy. I would have been equally thrilled to find out the baby was a girl. It didn't matter to me. When I was pregnant with my second, I desperately wanted a daughter. I knew I might not have any more children because part way through my pregnancy it became apparent that my son had some special needs, so I wanted a little girl so badly. Lucky for me, she was a girl. If not, I am sure I would have been terribly disappointed. Though, I know I would have recovered quickly enough once the little bundle of joy arrived.

 

I liked knowing the sex of my baby during pregnancy. I felt it really helped me bond with them before they were born.

 

Lisa

[Smithie]

"I liked knowing the sex of my baby during pregnancy. I felt it really helped me bond with them before they were born."

 

 

:iagree: Naming my children before they were born was huge to me.

[kokotg]

I was worried that I'd be disappointed at the ultrasound for number 3 if it was a boy (he is), but turns out mostly I just felt enormously relieved that I could stop obsessing over it. Once she said "boy" it was just like, "well, sure, of course he is" and seemed like a much smaller deal than it had five minutes earlier. Of course, I'm sure I'll do the same thing if there's ever a number four. And then I'll be fine with it when he's born, too ;)

[Mommyof4ks]

We had one dd and one ds, so we decided not to find out what our third was going to be. He was a boy, and for a couple of hours I was a bit disappointed. Now that my dd is 10, I am so glad that I only have one dd lol.

[Desert Rat]

I was a little disappointed when I found out #2 was another boy. I remember laying on the ultrasound table and the tech asked me if I wanted to know the sex. I looked over at the monitor and said, "It's another boy!" I was sad. I had dreams I was having a girl and even had picked out a name. So, I cried all the way home.....Then....I was fine. My MIL wasn't. I called to tell her. She hung up on me and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. I wanted to yell, "Hey! Talk to your son!" :) She still isn't a huge part of their lives, mostly because of their gender. Her loss.

Now adays, I'm thrilled to have boys. As a teen, I never enjoyed babysitting girls. I never was into barbies and all that jazz. I really think I was meant to be the mother of boys. And boys run on both sides so I have a feeling if I kept having babies, I would have had more boys.

[Sasharowan]

Has anyone else, besides me, experienced disappointment over the gender of your unborn baby? And then the guilt over feeling disappointed over gender in spite of the healthy baby? I'm assuming others have since we moms have such complex emotions. :001_unsure:

 

I have three children in this order -- DS, DD, DS -- and expecting another DS in 8 weeks. This is the only baby we've learned the gender of prior to the big day. I much prefer the surprise, now that I've gone through disappointment during this pregnancy. I've never been disappointed at the birth, after going through 9 months of anticipation culminating in the relief at the birth. However, a friend of mine said maybe it was a good thing to know early this time, because what if I had been disappointed after his birth.

 

Anyway, DH and I both hoped for another girl for DD to have a sister and also because its been quite awhile since we've had a little baby girl around. DH told me the disappointment was not abnormal, and that it wasn't unusual to take some time to work through that. He, too, was disappointed but is so much more logical about things, he was over it much quicker.

 

Silly things were bugging me like knowing that we have a stash of lovely girl clothing, and the stash of hand-me-down boy clothing is getting kind of ratty after two boys already. For quite a few weeks, I knew in my head that God planned this little one just to be who he is, but my heart didn't feel it yet.

 

I've worked through it now and am getting excited about the baby. Sewing for him has been a good project.

 

I could have written this, except the sewing part. I had Ds1, DD, Ds2, and we were expecting Ds3 to be a girl. WHen the ultrasound tech said definite boy, I was pulling up statistics looking for how often US were wrong. Dd was very upset. We got over and loved Ds3 once he was here. DD is now starting puberty and wishing he was a sister all over again or else that he will go live in the room with the other boys and she can have her own room.

[elegantlion]

And, as the years have rolled by, I became aware there are tomboy moms, like myself, who have, and struggle with, girly-girl daughters. My longing for a daughter turned into apprehension. Honestly, I look at girls clothes nowadays, and I think "TG I have a boy".

 

But would I have been disappointed? I guess I'll never know. :)

 

:iagree: I think I would have been disappointed if we had been expecting a girl. I was a tomboy and wanted tonka trucks and hot wheels, things that I had played with as a child. I didn't want to play with dolls or have to explain to people why we bought Tonka for a girl. I didn't want to think about explaining menstrual cycles and the that was a gift to all women so we could bare children. Frankly it's all been a PITA to me, no "happy periods" here. :lol: Seriously I thought about that when I was pregnant.

 

I am very glad we had a boy, he's been a joy.

[abbeyej]

I was so *happy* when the ultrasound told me one thing. It was what I wanted. ... 4 months later? *Not* what I got. ;) And you know, I was disappointed at all. Just as you said, once that baby was in my arms, I was thrilled to death. :)

 

So no, I haven't experienced the disappointment with the ultrasound that you had. ... But I did really think I wanted a girl, and I was told I was having a girl (they showed me on the ultrasound the three little lines)... And I got a boy. I swore I didn't know anything about how to raise a boy. Dh and I had both thought we wanted a girl. Thought we were having a girl... But once ds was here? It was all okay.

 

I know you feel disappointed now. And angry and frustrated with yourself for feeling that way.

 

But I'm sure that once you have this baby in your arms, that'll all fade away.

[texasmama]

I have been disappointed twice in the ultrasound room. I got over the disappointment quickly both times. The biggest disappointment I experienced in the ultrasound room was that one of my babies had a birth defect. I didn't ever "get over" that during the pg.

[ChrisOR]

Thanks all. You're sweet! I wish I'd have posted this weeks ago, when the disappointment was really raw. I'm thankful that I'm working beyond it and truly beginning to feel thankful for the new little boy. I knew thankfulness was what I needed. At the births of my others, I felt happy, relieved, thrilled, content. None of those "birth moment" emotions were coming to me upon the ultrasound "moment" (and weeks following). That's when I realized I just needed gratitude now and those birth moments will come at the birth.

 

Honestly, this was one of my first reactions ... "a girl would have felt like getting a treat/dessert, while another boy feels like getting vegetables." The funny thing is that last year, I realized I absolutely cannot indulge in sugar without wreaking havoc on my system, so God had already worked a concrete lesson out for me. So even when I wasn't feeling thankful or accepting with my heart, I could understand with my head that He knew what is best for our family ... another boy.

[ChrisOR]

Once she said "boy" it was just like, "well, sure, of course he is"

 

How funny ... this was my first thought about being told DS1 was a boy at his birth. "Of course he is!"

[Geek]

I never found out the gender of my first two: a boy, then a girl. I experienced the disappointment of #2 being a girl after she was born, and it was NOT fun. (I have had a lot of problems in my relationship with my mom and was actually hoping to just have sons.)

 

So when I was preggers with #3, I found out near the end. I am so glad I did because by then I wanted another girl, LOL! I found out I was expecting a little boy and it gave me some time to get used to the idea before the birth. Of course I did in no time flat and everything was fine. Now, of course, I couldn't imagine things any other way.

 

Whew. It felt good to get that off my chest. Thanks for asking. :lol:

[FourSweetBoys]

You are totally normal so don't feel bad :) I was disappointed when I found out #3 and #4 were boys. More so with #4 because I knew then I would never have a girl. I was over it quickly and, of course, wouldn't trade them for all of the girls in the world! I remember right after the sonograms hoping maybe they were wrong and i WAS having a girl after all. After they were born, I did find myself checking to make sure they were indeed still boys but only because i had grown to love the idea of being a mommy to all boys and didn't want them to be girls. LOL There are many moms who have gender disappointment at first but trust me...it won't last. Just don't feel like a bad mommy for having it! :grouphug:

[Outdoorsy Type]

I have 3 boys. When I found out my 3rd, I wasn't sad about having him. I loved him right then and there. But I cried a bit knowing I would never have a daughter.

[Violet Crown]

No emotional response to anything is blameworthy when you're pregnant.:grouphug:

 

When I was pregnant with #3, I knew because of my age it was unlikely there would be another one, and if it was another girl, then it was all girls for us. During the ultrasound, I watched my husband's face instead of the screen. When the technician said "It's definitely a girl," dh grinned hugely. Later he said, "We won't have to repaint the pink and purple upstairs!"

 

All three are Daddy's girls and worship him. It's no wonder he was thrilled to have another girl. I surprised myself by being really happy about it, too; though I think mostly because dh was so thrilled.

[fairfarmhand]

You will all find me very bizarre, but I had three girls first and when I was expecting #4 I wanted another GIRL. Sort of like, I knew what girls were like, I was used to girls so please don't rock my boat. We really expected that we would have a fourth girl. My dh just barely came to the ultrasound "Why should I come? I know what it's going to be."

 

I was STUNNED that I was having a son. This was a surprise pregnancy, and I'd just gotten over the shock/ disappointment of being pregnant (again) when I found out it was a boy. Took me awhile to come to terms with that....like when he was six months old!

 

But I love him so much and he fits in our family. God really DID know what he was doing....imagine that!

 

ETA: Coming to terms meaning, not that I didn't love him but that Iwasn't so sure about raising a boy.

Edited July 31, 2010 by fairfarmhand

[patchfire]

it was just like, "well, sure, of course he is"

 

This is pretty much how it happened for me with ds, though I found out at the birth, not during pregnancy.

 

I found out with both my girls, and I *knew* they were girls from the get-go. But... when I was pregnant with ds, on some level, I wanted another girl. I had an idea in my head of having all girls. I purposely didn't seek out an ultrasound, mainly because I would have had to go to that effort, but I think on some level, I knew he was a boy, and I wanted to avoid that disappointment. Because I know it would have been there, when I was still pregnant. Once he was born? Nada.

[mycalling]

Son #1 - Thrilled

Son #2 - Thrilled #1 would have a brother

Twins / Son #3 and Daughter #1 - I wanted 2 more boys, everyone else wanted 2 girls...no one wanted one of each

...stress was on to make her a sister...

 

Everything was different, everyone told me it was a girl...for sure!...

Son #4 - Cried the whole way home then every time I thought of him for days. I would have LOVED to have been pregnant with boy/girl twins again. It wasn't that I was having him. I was crying over the loss of the daughter I had built in my mind, how great it would be for my daughters to have each other so close in age and grow up together.

 

Son #5 - I told everyone else that he was a he before we even knew

Son #6, currently pregnant with - I knew since there was only one, it was a boy. I made it almost all the way home from the u/s before crying, but I was done by the time we walked in the door. This was my last hope for a close-enough in age sister for my daughter. She has her older half-sister, but she is honestly a horrible sister to her.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

I was! I desperately wanted a boy.

 

When I had my ultrasound, I was told by the tech that she was "almost certain" it was a girl. I was happy she was healthy, but slightly disappointed it was a girl.

Fast forward.... I was in the hospital for about 2 weeks before I gave birth being observed. I had ultrasounds every other day and EVERY time she was still a girl.

I had a csection and the first thing I said after she was born was "Is it a boy??!?" :lol:I really wanted a boy!!

 

She's a girl. A wonderful, beautiful, perfect little girl who I am thrilled to have. She loves to play with race cars, go to ballet, play and watch sports, play with baby dolls... I have it all wrapped in one package. :D God knew what he was doing, I just needed to accept it.

[SproutMamaK]

Sons #1 & 2 we didn't find out until the birth. Though I loved both of them, I was kind of hoping for a girl with #1 and REALLY hoping for a girl with #2. I wasn't disappointed, persay, but more like, "Oh, guess no pink this time! [sigh] Oh my goodness, look at his big blue eyes!" It wasn't like I was disappointed in my kids for who they were, but man did it hurt to walk through all those cute pink clothes at the front of the store to the blue section at the back (seriously do they do that to make us cry?!?!?!).

 

With #3 we found out. I'd been prepping myself the whole time that is was okay it's a boy, it's okay if it's a boy, it's okay if it's a boy... knowing that I REALLY wanted that girl so I could buy some pink. ;) But when the ultrasound showed he was a boy, I felt the strangest sense of... relief, almost. I'd expected to be disappointed, but I was totally content with it. Excited, even.

 

We're hoping to try for #4 within the next year, and I can honestly say I don't care either way. I'd love a girl - but I love my boys SO much, I honestly can't imagine not bringing anther boy into this house. Plus I have neices now, so I have an outlet for the whole, "I MUST buy that pink dress!" thing. :lol:

[Lolly]

I had always envisioned myself with a whole houseful of boys. I did not like little girls. I did not like frilly. I did not like pink. I did not like squeals of glee. I liked rough and tumble. Pg#1 and I had a real certain feeling that the baby was a boy. The ultrasound showed girl. I was definitely disappointed. I didn't even really believe it was true until she was born. With the twins, we were expecting identical, the ultrasound showed one twin to be female. The whole way, I had felt they were girls. Twin one wouldn't show us anything, but hey, identical would mean girl! They were both girls. However, they were most certainly fraternal instead of identical. Last one came along and as much as I had ever wanted a whole houseful of boys, I now wanted a whole houseful of girls. I knew girls. I had girl toys. I had girl clothes. I had a boy. Dh was overjoyed. I was almost devastated. It is all good. I don't know what I would do without my boy!:D

[Athome]

With our first I so wanted a girl, and found out it was a boy. I was bummed. Of course not for long and once he was boy of course he was such a blessing. Then with #2 I enjoyed our first boy so much I wanted a whole football team! Of course it was a girl. Strike 2! Bummed again, but of course nothing that some pink and frills couldn't cure. #3 was fair game since we had one of each already. Another girl. Love it!!

 

Don't worry and don't be so hard on yourself. Hormones certainly help us set our hearts mightly on things and make disappointment feel worse. Give it time and you'll be so in love with your little guy you wouldn't give him up. Congrats!!!

[asta]

This thread is so completely, utterly alien to me I can't even express it.

 

"Be ready?" For WHAT? Onesies? A blanket? Color coordinated nursing?

 

Me and two of my siblings had a visible birth defect. There were no ultrasounds in the 1960s. I'm relatively certain my mom would have liked to have been "ready" for THAT. But gender? Has anyone here taken a step back and looked at how shallow being disappointed at gender is considering the infant mortality rate in the United States (a FIRST world country)?

 

Happy with a healthy baby,

 

 

asta

[ChrisOR]

This thread is so completely, utterly alien to me I can't even express it.

 

 

 

That's kind of my point ... the emotion of it was something I never expected to feel. Why would I care what gender my healthy baby is? My DH is so wise and tells me not to try to analyze emotions because they do mislead us into murky thinking. The truth is, of course, I am ecstatic that my baby is healthy. Its probably the only reason I could even find room in my thoughts to experience disappointment in the gender.

 

I'm actually thankful to experience this unexpected emotion because now I can understand it in others. I never did before.

[BakersDozen]

Has anyone here taken a step back and looked at how shallow being disappointed at gender is considering the infant mortality rate in the United States (a FIRST world country)?

 

Today as I was holding my 9-day old son I was thinking back to my reaction as the u/s tech announced that baby was a boy. I am filled with guilt that I felt any disappointment at all, that I actually cried in the car afterwards, that I had to take not just a day but weeks to come around to the idea of not having another girl. The guilt was overwhelming because I did understand how lucky I was, that a devastating birth defect could have been announced instead or that my baby could have died. I know full well how shallow my reaction was but the thing is, it was an instant reaction that came out of nowhere and no matter how much I would have liked to ignore it, I couldn't. For women like myself it can be very difficult to admit to having such a reaction because we know the condemnation we may receive from those who have not experienced what we have.

 

In an ideal world we would all embrace and rejoice over our babies no matter which gender they are. Other things might also happen in an ideal world such as not being disappointed/grieved over a surprise pregnancy. Children are a gift and a blessing so we should ideally never have a negative reaction or thought toward them, right? But it doesn't work that way, unfortunately, so the best we can do is to take the chance and open ourselves up to others to ask for help or encouragement as we work through these shallow reactions we have.

[ChrisOR]

LuvnMySun ... your entire post was really encouraging. Before feeling this way, I would never have understood how a mother of both genders or one who has had gone through the loss of babies could even care what the next one would be.

[seanana]

OOOHHHH! I will never forget the embarassment of lying on the ultrasound table crying while they told me I was expecting DD #4. "I said, it 's not that I don't love girls, it's just that my husband will want to do this again next year!" Our Sophia is a lovely blessing and was followed by 2 brothers. Take consolation in the fact that as soon as you see your beautiful child and hold him in your arms, you will be filled with joy!:001_smile:

[BakersDozen]

 

Before feeling this way, I would never have understood how a mother of both genders or one who has had gone through the loss of babies could even care what the next one would be.

The fact that I have had both genders and that I have had so many losses makes how I reacted even worse as far as guilt goes. Truly, I was horrified with myself. This babe I have now was a twin yet I lost one at 8 weeks, so all day after the u/s I kept telling myself that it didn't matter, I had one healthy baby when I could have lost both. It was such a struggle and I absolutely hate that it was that way.

[mazakaal]

I was. I had 2ds and was pregnant again. When I was in for the u/s, the tech said, "Oh, it looks like a girl." Then she did more measuring and at the end got a 'different angle' I guess and suddenly changed her mind and thought it was a boy. I was gutted. Dh has 3 brothers, no sisters, 4 nephews, only 1 neice, 7 uncles and only one aunt on his dad's side and I thought that his male side of the family just couldn't produce females! I went through a grieving process because I thought I had to accept that I'd never have a girl. Irrational, I know, but I was pregnant - what can I say. Anyway, dc #3 ended up being a girl! After I gave birth on my knees, dh told me it was a girl - I couldn't see anything because of my position - and I didn't believe him. Seriously. I didn't believe it was a girl until the midwife confirmed it. :lol: I know. I'm a little crazy.

[chris's girl]

I think it's the first time I've admitted it, but I was disappointed to find out this baby is a girl. :(

Our kids come in sets--older girls, boys, younger girls. But now, with this baby's being a girl, the pattern is broken. It's not really a big deal to me, but I was SO sad for our boys who just KNEW they were getting a brother. We brought them all into the room so we could all find out together, and the tech pointed out the anatomy and said "princess", and our boys just immediately showed their disappointment.

But, 6 weeks later, we are all over it. Our boys know how much they love their baby sister and that this one will be no different. Their being ok with it makes me feel much better.

God has a plan for each child and I can't wait to see who this special little person is. :)

[Peela]

I think it is natural.

With my first I was sure we were having a boy. I had always pictured myself with a boy. When we had the ultrasound they werent allowed to tell us gender (hospital rules) and we asked the lady could she please tell us...she said....how many little girl clothes do you have? ....and you know, we took that the wrong way and STILL presumed we were having a boy. We felt her, and she felt so strong, we used to call her Titan when she was still in the womb. It was just a feeling we had about her, who we thought was a he. Even though I started wearing pink in that pregnancy and had never worn it before in my life!

 

So when she was born....I was not disappointed- I was shocked though! And thrilled! I feel my sweet girl, who is very strong minded and wholesome, has been the healing balm I needed because my own past before her was full of trauma. She turned me into a mother, and it was the best thing in my life. She was easy and cruisy and smiley and a charmer. Still is!

 

But I would have been happy to have another girl, too. We didnt know ds's gender before he was born either, because his legs were curled up for the ultrasound. I am sure dh preferred a boy- he has an older dd too - but neither of us would let ourselves go there. We consciously knew we would accept whatever we were given and not complain at all. And along came a boy. A grumpy, colicky, crotchety, clingy, gorgeous boy who adores his mother like nothing else ( well, especially when he was little- now he is too cool to show it so much.) I loved having a boy (and still do)!

 

If I was to have another child...I really wouldnt mind which gender. I might have a slight inclination toward a girl, but my girl is my easy kid so that might be why! My boy has made me grow and stretch like my girl never did. He has been so good for me and made me very tender and patient...and much more understanding of men!

 

I do imagine it is very common to want one gender or the other. And I guess you just have to grieve a little bit, then get on with it and love the one you have!

[Carrie12345]

Has anyone here taken a step back and looked at how shallow being disappointed at gender is considering the infant mortality rate in the United States (a FIRST world country)?

asta

 

Having spent more than a week believing that this baby WOULD die, no, I don't see anything shallow about this conversation at all.

 

I haven't seen anyone mention wanting to trade their children in for a different model, or be rid of them all together. Some just have natural, usually hormonal, reactions to hearing the news. I don't see how that makes anyone evil, or less thankful for a live baby.

[mamato3 all-boy boys]

When the technician said "It's definitely a girl," dh grinned hugely. Later he said, "We won't have to repaint the pink and purple upstairs!"

 

*giggling*

My dh was thrilled to have another boy. He said something along the lines of, "with another boy, at least I know what I'm doing!" :lol:

[poolehall]

When I went in for my 2nd ds's ultrasound, I was really nervous because I knew I would feel guilty if I was sad to find out I was having another boy. To make matters worse, the ultrasound machine recorded the audio of what we were saying along with the video of the baby. So, when the doctor told me it was a boy I was heard in the background saying something like "I thought so." The disappointment is very obvious even though I was trying to hide it.

 

In the car I immediately started talking about how much fun it would be to raise two boys, they would be close, etc. I felt so guilty that I was disappointed.

 

Somehow when the boys were preschoolers, somebody accidentally taped a show over the ultrasound video so I no longer have "evidence". :lol:

 

The boys have a very close relationship, spend most of their time together, etc. It has been a good thing. Yes, I always did want a daughter, but I'm okay with not having one.

[Scuff]

They're different dreams/desires. Of coarse we were happy with a healthy baby. I'm sure most everyone here would say the same. But with my DS being the only boy of 8 grandkids, we're surrounded by girls. Another little boy to play trucks and trains with would have been nice. Ds really wanted a little brother to teach how to play legos. Someone who wanted to and didn't ask him to play babies instead. He got over it quickly, as did the rest of us. We're all happy for a baby, whoever she is. They pray every night for her health, so we don't take that for granted. But there were still hopes that died when she was a girl and not a brother, which causes initial disappointment. Different hopes than those for a healthy baby. Trust me, if she had instead announced that the baby was sick and dying, we would not be over it right now.

[Jennifer in MI]

I never found out the sex before my babies were born. I didn't even have an u/s until #3 (to check for twins) and #4 (I was bleeding).

 

I had two boys when the third was born. I was just SURE he was a girl during the pregnancy. I really wanted a girl. But, when he was born, I wasn't disappointed at all. Shocked, yes. I kept looking at him and thinking, "But, you were supposed to be a girl!!"

 

With my fourth, I really wanted a boy. Really. I thought it'd be fun to be the mom of 4 boys! Plus we already had the clothes, toys, etc. When she was born, I was SHOCKED!!!! I got to announce the sex and I couldn't believe it. I am SO happy to have a girl now. What a blessing she is.

[sagira]

I'm pregnant with #3 now (13 weeks tomorrow), and I have a boy and a girl already. I really don't mind which one I get. I do lean a bit towards girl, as my daughter has scores of adorable, pricey clothes given to her. In addition, I admire my dd's independence and dh's family leans heavily towards boys. In fact, there are only a few girls here and there. Dh's dad is one out of 8 - 6 boys, 2 girls. Dh's mom has 3 boys, 1 girl.

 

Pregnancy is a time of odd feelings, upheaval in hormones, and mixed emotions. I'm still having to accept my neutral feelings toward this baby. No joy, no anger, just.. Oh well. Whatever. Feeling down. Feeling like my freedom is being encroached upon. I felt and sometimes still feel guilty about these feelings, but they are my feelings. I don't act upon them, I just feel them. Not looking forward to labor, delivery, more discomfort, less time to myself. So yes, even though I don't worry about the gender, I do understand that one can be disappointed about gender. It's not something you can help feeling sometimes.

[Pippen]

I didn't find out with any of mine, but once I was at the hospital when a man and two young daughters walked out of an ob/gyn office. The man was carrying a sonogram image and one of the girls didn't look very happy. I asked if they had just got to see a picture of their new baby brother or sister and one of the girls promptly burst into tears and cried, "It's a sister and I really wanted a baby brother."

 

It was pretty cute. :)

[Geek]

This thread is so completely, utterly alien to me I can't even express it.

 

"Be ready?" For WHAT? Onesies? A blanket? Color coordinated nursing?

 

Me and two of my siblings had a visible birth defect. There were no ultrasounds in the 1960s. I'm relatively certain my mom would have liked to have been "ready" for THAT. But gender? Has anyone here taken a step back and looked at how shallow being disappointed at gender is considering the infant mortality rate in the United States (a FIRST world country)?

 

Happy with a healthy baby,

 

 

asta

We aren't discussing rational reactions, asta. Feelings aren't shallow; they just are. And quite often they can't be helped.

 

If I were being shallow I would have wallowed in self-pity over this. I did not. I wasn't pleased with my emotional reaction and set out to deal with it in a rational manner.

[NanceXToo]

This is VERY NORMAL.

 

When I was pregnant with my son, I knew he would be my last baby. And because I had two girls already, I REALLY wanted him to be a boy. As it turns out, he was. I was so happy when I found out! If I had been told he was a girl instead, I am sure I would have felt a little bit of disappointment.

 

There's always somebody in conversations like this who starts the whole 'you should be happy no matter what you get, how could you be disappointed blah blah blah' type of lecture, but whatever. It does not mean I'd be devastated and crying. It does not mean I'd trade her in for a boy. It does not mean I'd love her less than my other daughters. It does not mean I'd spend my life being disappointed. It simply means I'd have a bit of wistful mourning for something that would not be. And then I'd move on to loving and appreciating what was.

 

It hardly makes one a bad person or shallow or unappreciative or uncaring about infant mortality or people who can't have children or anything else along those lines.

[Hockey Mom]

I was so disappointed that my youngest wasn't a girl that I asked the doctor if we could check again to be sure.

 

However, when to doctor sent me to Maternal Fetal Medicine for a high-tech u/s, THAT doctor told me that based on the size of my baby's kidneys, it was likely he could be born with Down's. The only way to know for sure was an amnio. Immediately, the gender didn't seem so important anymore. We refused the amnio, and my baby had big kidneys because he was a big baby (weighed over 10lbs at birth).

 

My two boys are 14 months apart. They are best friends and constant companions. I wouldn't have it any other way. :)