Who is the Spiritual Leader in Your Household

[Barry Goldwater]

It's an intentionally vague question, because I'm curious also how you choose to define 'leader.' Any takers?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sure. In one sense, dh is because he tries to take the spiritual pulse of the whole family. He will often talk to me about what kinds of things he think the kids should know and how to direct them. He does lead our family Bible study at night but it is a time when any of us can ask questions or contribute.

 

In another sense, I am because I am with them 24/7 and we talk about spiritual things all through the day.

[Peela]

Dh and I both, pretty equally, in our own way. As Jean says....being the one with the kids the most, there is a lot of spiritual leadership going on in that way. But dh contributes in his own way. We do not particularly defer to each other though...we just both share as we see fit.

We both are of the understanding that our goal, as well as our day to day reality, is to "be a light unto yourself", so there is no external authority....although guidance can be sought and/or received from many places. It must always resonate within.

We do not teach the kids to succumb/surrender to an external spiritual authority but we do provide guidance to the best of our ability.

[Ellie]

Mr. Ellie, but neither of us believes that I have no responsibility in the spiritual formation of our dc.

[milovany]

Mr. Ellie, but neither of us believes that I have no responsibility in the spiritual formation of our dc.

 

:iagree:

[Barb_]

Probably me. Rich is more focused on the practicalities of family life and doesn't really take on a role of mentor or guide in matters of the heart or spirit. That's more my realm.

 

Barb

[OnTheBrink]

It's either me or the 12 year old. I win because I'm older, bigger and pay the bills. :lol:

[*********]

God, Jesus, my husband, and me. In that order, always.

[Diane in CO]

Me, as DH is not religious.

[Scarlett]

It's either me or the 12 year old. I win because I'm older, bigger and pay the bills. :lol:

 

Yep. Here too.

 

Even when I was married, I took the lead for mysel and ds. Lack of spirituality from my XH in general was much of the problem that led to him thinking it would be a wise decision to do what he did that led to the end of our marriage.

 

But I do believe that husband should be the leaders of their families....spiritually and in every other way. When they won't step up to the plate responsibility falls to wife/mother.

[naturegirl7]

It is really a shared "job" in our house.

DH is agnostic so he is no leadership help in the spiritual realm. I guess I "lead" - more like share/live my beliefs and values with them. Thankfully, even though DH does not believe in most of what I am teaching DS, he is totally on board with it and reinforces it too.

DS also has quite a bit of autonomy due to the nature of our beliefs - we are currently going to the local UU church cuz he was requesting to go to church. I followed his lead there, but chose the church I liked best based upon my own beliefs and values (rather than his recommendation of "the big one on the way home" LOL).

[asta]

Leader?

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

The kids, but mostly the 6 yr. old. He is the one with the most interest in spirituality.

[Mallorie]

God, Jesus, my husband, and me. In that order, always.

 

That is our house as well. :)

[simka2]

Whoever is present at the spiritual moment!

[Sophia]

My husband is the spiritual leader.

I do more of the teaching because I'm home more, but he's definitely the leader.

 

Dh and I did not become Christians until several years into our marriage. I was converted first, he converted shortly thereafter.

 

Now that our dc are teens, I am grateful for God's grace in this matter.

Dh has a strong personality, is the "fun" parent, and is extremely intelligent.

His influence is huge with our children and his leadership in spiritual matters means a lot~even if he's not home to do the actual bible reading with them.

[Nestof3]

I know what you are getting at.

 

Honestly? I do much more leading. My husband goes in spurts, and he's usually responding out of anger when he does get motivated. He doesn't really spend much time guiding and directing. He will read the Bible every now and then, but I don't see just reading scripture as the same thing as allowing oneself to be on call all day addressing the spiritual and emotional needs of children.

 

He spends time with our boys, though, doing fun things.

[Guest janainaz]

We both are. We both share things with our kids. Every day, every moment some kind of opportunity presents itself to teach some truth about God and life and love. My dh takes my sons for walks and has great conversations with them, often bringing scripture to life. I spend time talking to my kids and when something is on my heart, I share it.

 

But most importantly, our children are watching us. They learn from our mistakes and they learn from the good things we do also. They learn from the way we love them. So it's equal, I believe.

[sparrow]

10 yo ds. He has the most thought provoking spirituality questions and statements. My 8 yo dd is perpetually in the position to say, "why do you think that?" and "how do you know that?". He's pretty solid in his beliefs and defends them.

 

I've carried on deeper spiritual conversations with my children than most adults I've dared speak with about it.

[Kathleen in VA]

Fathers are the spiritual leaders of the home no matter what. That's apart and aside from who's doing all the spiritual discussing and guiding. Dads lead, the family follows. It doesn't matter whether he wants to or not - he is leading. The question is where is he leading them?

 

If he's not "spiritual" (kind of a weird thing to say since everyone is spiritual - they may just not acknowledge it or talk about it), he's still leading. He may not be a very good leader, he may be leading people in the wrong direction, but whether he likes it or not, the dad is the spiritual leader of the home.

 

What about families where the dad is absent (and I don't mean mentally absent or simply working a lot)? The Bible says that God is the father of the orphan and the husband of the widow.

[yellowperch]

the baby. he brings such joy.

[Lightly Salted]

Mr. Ellie, but neither of us believes that I have no responsibility in the spiritual formation of our dc.

 

yes, that. He's the spiritual leader of the household, but we share in the teaching of our children.

[TravelingChris]

In many ways me but it is because I am in charge of planning. So I choose the churches we visit and everyone has a say in where we choose to attend. I think both DH and I talk about the Bible and morals equally. Any Bible Studies we have done as a family (or part of a family) has been led by me since dh isn't home enough at the right times to do this. It was one thing that really annoyed me about some early homeschooler leaders= insisting that the husbands lead any Bible Study in the homeschool. Well, when are they supposed to work? Dh is serving God's purpose in his life by defending our country. I am doing it by homeschooling our children.

[Teachin'Mine]

:iagree:

 

Milovany, Mr. Ellie is the spiritual leader of your family too??? :D

 

Sorry - couldn't resist. :tongue_smilie:

 

Both Mr. TM and me, and even dd, in different ways.

[hornblower]

We're equal, co-leading atheists.

 

:D

[Smithie]

The adults in this family are equal, co-leading heads of a Reform Jewish household. My husband is an atheist, mind you - but it's a Jewish mama that makes a Jewish home IMNSHO. I would not call myself the leader, though, even though the rhythm of the household moves to my sassy yiddishe beat :tongue_smilie:, because I don't expect my husband to bite his tongue about his non-belief. I'm actually very pleased that my children have as role models two adults who take DIFFERENT paths to the SAME conclusions about how to live a well-conducted life (I would say, "be a mensch," he would say, "contribute to the preservation and betterment of humanity and the natural world," but it all comes out in the wash).

[Daisy]

We honestly don't really do the leader thing, unless you count leading by example, but I'd suggest we are both doing that. Whether one or the other of us will have the greater influence over our children is yet to be determined. I'd love to discover that my children felt my husband had a greater influence over their spiritual lives than I did, because I so often fail. My husband is a steady rock.

 

We have a fairly equal division of labor in regards to the deliberate spiritual formation of our children. I teach Bible in the morning. Hubby leads devotions in the evening. Hubby daily works on Awana memory with one child and I work with the other. We both pray, discipline, disciple, reprove, and lead along the way as the opportunities arise.

 

I think the reason I wouldn't refer to it as who is the leader is simply because both parents need to have a rich spiritual life. We prefer to see it as an equal responsibility so that neither of us rests in the others spiritual progress.

[Jyniffrec]

Leader?

 

Yes, my sentiment as well.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I teach our faith. Their Daddy lives it out in front of their eyes.

 

He doesn't "teach" the boys, but they can see plainly that he embodies the doctrines and beliefs that I teach them every day.

 

He is also the one to participate with them in activities like serving at church, helping neighbors, taekwondo, and Civil Air Patrol. They see that he is like Atticus Finch: the same at home as he is in public.

 

I also often point to him as an example of various character traits, so I think I have helped them learn to respect him.

 

When the boys were younger, they asked me all their spiritual and philosophical questions because I was the one to teach them about spiritual and religious matters. Now they are tweens/teens and they are asking DH because they identify with him and want to be like him. I think this is very appropriate and I'm glad to see this development in their relationships with their father.

 

This has all been a very trusting and organic thing in our home. We never made a decision to lead our home this way. For awhile I was enamored of the patriarchy-teaching homeschoolers and I was frustrated that my DH did not "cast a vision" or "take dominion" or whatever verbs he was supposed to demonstrate...and that was so foolish of me! I am thankful that I didn't linger in that place. I credit the Holy Spirit for reminding me that I loved Mike and trusted him as he was and I didn't really want him to try to re-invent himself to fit some silly notion of mine. I let him be himself and he lets me be myself.

 

I teach Bible stories and doctrine, I choose homeschool curriculum, and I've even chosen churches for us to attend. Still there is an unsaid strength of character in my husband. He would never let anyone decide for him what he would believe or what he would do. This is obvious to our boys. Mama doesn't make Daddy do anything. He goes along because he agrees.

 

When he does venture a Biblical or spiritual teaching moment, his words have the effect of a stone falling into a well and we all just hush. We lean forward to hear what he's thinking.

 

I'm a babbling brook :lol: offering a steady stream of teaching and talking. He listens, and waits to be sure someone is ready to listen to what he has to say. Guess who is probably more effective in the long run? Sometimes I feel that I'm teaching knowledge and he is teaching wisdom.

[lllll]

..

[Impish]

God, Jesus, my husband, and me. In that order, always.

 

But I do believe that husband should be the leaders of their families....spiritually and in every other way. When they won't step up to the plate responsibility falls to wife/mother.

:iagree:

[Jan in SC]

I feel a little awkward speaking for my dh, but here goes:

 

Our marriage is intertwined. I'm sure we each take turns leading, but it would not speak well of our marriage if we weren't able to ebb and flow.

[tricia]

I am my children know that the ultimate authority in our home is daddy. And we teach the children that my word is his word when he is not around because he has delegated it to me.

[Nestof3]

Oops. I had posted on the wrong thread. I meant to post on the Netflix thread.

Edited July 24, 2010 by nestof3

[MamaT]

I am my children know that the ultimate authority in our home is daddy. And we teach the children that my word is his word when he is not around because he has delegated it to me.

 

This is how it goes in our house too.

[Joanne]

The Holy Spirit in the many forms, whispers, events, guidings and leadings he takes.

 

There is absolutely, positively, 100% not a hierarchy of leadership between the adults in this family. With the exception of aging issues, there never will be.

[milovany]

Milovany' date=' Mr. Ellie is the spiritual leader of your family too??? :D

[/quote']

 

:smilielol5:

 

Well, I almost met Ellie once, but no, have never come close to meeting Mr. Ellie.

[milovany]

Duplicate post.

[Joanne]

:smilielol5:

 

Well, I almost met Ellie once, but no, have never come close to meeting Mr. Ellie.

 

I've met Mr. and Mrs. Ellie! :D Served them coffee in new mugs I got from our my then newly combined household. I may not share Ellie's perspective on everything, but we share enough perspective and online history to *care*.

 

:grouphug::)

[sbgrace]

My husband.

I think we transmit spiritual values to our kids via our lives--it's caught more than taught and they are very likely to live out what they see lived out. Good or bad. I guess in that way I agree with the PP though I think both parents have influence. Anyone vibrantly living their faith is going to lead positively by the impact on their day to day life I think. My husband is ahead of me in that area. Though, I am better at teaching/explaining concepts to their level! I also carry out the planned curriculum parts of our bible instruction.

Edited July 25, 2010 by sbgrace

[Rosie_0801]

Me in so far as anyone is, I guess. It's kind of a weird question for our situation. I'm the one who proposes certain actions, dh goes along with them. I might be suggesting these things for my own spiritual fulfillment, but he goes along with them for other reasons, since my spirituality and his are quite different; both in what we believe, and what we feel we need to do about it. He will take a more active role in guiding the kids when they are big enough for navel gazing style contemplations :)

 

Spiritual leader still doesn't make much sense though, since our household is comprised of two adults of different spiritual persuasions, and two very small people who are only old enough to have spiritual potential, not yet their own spirituality. Neither dh or I care what the dc's spirituality turns out to be, only that they use their manners about it.

 

Rosie

[keptwoman]

We're equal, co-leading atheists.

 

:D

Yep.

 

Neither dh or I care what the dc's spirituality turns out to be, only that they use their manners about it.

 

Rosie

 

Bingo. The idea that I would "lead" my children in their spiritual journey is anathema to me. It's their path, only they can take the lead on it. For me to lead them would be wrong in the strongest sense of the word.

Edited July 25, 2010 by keptwoman

[Tap]

I would say I am in the sense that I am the adult who takes care of the kids both physically and emotionally. Dh isn't really connected to the kids on a 'talk about the tough or complicated topics' level. He is more of a 'lets go kayaking' dad and the conversations revolve around the task at hand. Dh isn't spiritual in the least. I have conversation regarding spirituality quite often with my kids.

 

Ds15 is the most religious of all of us. Due to this, he is the most biblically educated. He has a profound faith for his age, but is still young and takes everything at face value. I wouldn't call him the spiritual leader, but he is definitely the 'spiritual student' in our family.

[Greta]

Me, as DH is not religious.

 

My husband is not at all religious. He has no spiritual beliefs which he wishes to share with our daughter.

 

I have gone on quite a spiritual journey during my daughter's life, and she has been my companion on that journey. I don't know to what extent I "lead" her, though, as I am trying to find my own way and not qualified to lead anyone!!!! In fact, at times I have been quite certain that she was the one teaching and enlightening me! :001_smile:

 

We have recently, Glory be to God, found our spiritual home in the Orthodox Church. My daughter loved it from the first, and will be getting baptized and chrismated soon. I, however, will have to wait awhile as my priest believes I am not quite ready just yet. So, again, I hardly think I am the one in the lead! :D I just pray that the Holy Spirit leads us both, and that we have the good sense to follow.

[smrtmama]

We are each the leader of our own soul and heart and mind, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[HRAAB]

I find this such an odd question... I can't envision a scenario in which either Yitzchak or I were trying 'lead' the other, in any way shape or form, but especially not spiritually.

 

(A corny kids' song is now running through my head: "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; dont' walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend and together we will walk in the ways of Hashem. V'Ahavta L'rayacha Kamocha, zeh klal gadol baTorah (Love your fellow as yourself, this is a great/major [fundamental] principle in the Torah.))

 

 

Leadership in a marriage doesn't make any sense to me - it seems to go against the ideal of becoming one flesh - and it certainly has never been applicable for us, in any context.

 

All of our decisions are made by genuine consensus (and we've been happily married for a long time now & never had any significant conflict).

 

We work on our individual spiritual growth, we talk and study together... and talk some more to decide what choices would best fit with our shared values and goals for our family, we consult our Rav for guidance as appropriate, and try to keep growing in our Torah study, middos, and mitzvah observance.

 

Sometimes one of us has an inspiration and the momentum to help us in a certain area or direction... sometimes its the other one... always it is implemented together.

 

:iagree::iagree: And I'm not religious nor is my dh particularly. I think this question only makes sense and is understood from a more literal Biblical Christian perspective. Dh and I were both raised Catholic, and our understanding is much more in line with Eliana's response.

[Garga]

This is hard to explain.

 

DH and I are practically clones of each other. We are the same...we are rarely on different pages about anything: money, parenting, religious beliefs.

 

DH doesn't sit down with me or the kids and "lead" bible studies, but he does take a lot of time to study and understand why we believe what we believe. Sometimes I go to him when I don't understand something in the bible (like those violent OT stories in the other threads) and I ask him what he's learned about it and we hash it out together until we both feel we understand it. But it's not like he gives me the final say and then I believe as he tells me to.

 

DH and I are equally committed to our God and neither of us "tells" the other what to do...we just both naturally seem to do the same thing.

 

And as far as the kids, I do most of the structured "bible study" with them, since we consider it a homeschool class. (Math, reading, history, bible, science, art.) I get more daily opportunities to point out our faith in action to the kids, since I'm with them more hours, but DH also talks with the boys about spiritual things in the limited time he has with them.

Edited July 26, 2010 by Garga

[Mommyfaithe]

It's an intentionally vague question, because I'm curious also how you choose to define 'leader.' Any takers?

 

I like to think it is my husband who is ultimately responsible for raising our children in the Lord however, it is me who does the Bible study, Bible memory, and it is me who walks and talks throughout the day.

 

I guess it is a shared leadership with him spiritually guiding ME (which he does as an awesome God-fearing man) and ME guiding our children with his assistance.

 

Faithe

[Jean in Newcastle]

My Christian perspective is that the spiritual leadership has more to do with exposing the children to certain perspectives and material. All of us have our own faith and our own relationship with God.

[Angie in VA]

I've met Mr. and Mrs. Ellie!

 

Me too! :)