Anyone feels guilty staying home and husband working?

[dands]

I am currently entertaining this thought and feel i have to make worth the day in school, cleaning, painting, gardening etc...

I feel guilty if i just relax a bit. Even to watching 1 hr news.

Anyone feel the same?

[m0mmaBuck]

Yes. All the time.

[Just Robyn]

I do feel that if he is working, I should be too (in the form of housework or homeschooling). I don't feel guilty for taking breaks. I would feel guilty if I did very little several days in a row. Everyone needs to recharge or else burn out. If you let yourself burn out you'll probably get even less done for a longer period of time (like half a day, or even days, instead of an hour).

[newbie]

No

[Ginevra]

I don't know that guilty is the word, but I feel sorry for dh with his current work situation. I don't like that it's all on his shoulders to make the proverbial doughnuts and the economic downturn has been very bad for his business. I can help him by supporting his business secretarially, but I can't actually get plumbing work for him, nor can I do plumbing when he gets a mini-boon of business.

 

I do fantasize about being able to make a certain amount of money myself, so that he would have more options about how to execute his business.

[holdoll]

No, I don't. My workday only ends when I go to bed. I believe it's merely that my work schedule, ie, home school, housework, cooking, errands, etc. is different from his. He's off evenings, I am not. He's off weekends, I am not.

[patchfire]

Honestly? No.

 

Dh has one fulltime job - going to the office.

 

*He* says I have three - 'homemaker,' SAHM, and homeschool teacher/mom. (I agree with him!) We try to divide up the homemaking duties so that it's more like he has 1.5 jobs and I have 2.5. ;)

 

But, no, I don't feel guilty. We work as a partnership, and right now in our lives, he's the one who can bring in a larger income, which we need to make the partnership/team work. The family is a unit, and we're greater than the sum of our parts. I don't feel guilty simply because society view his role as more valuable than mine.

[home4school]

I battled with this often, especially in the summer if we were, say at the pool. I told my dh and he told me I was being silly. It makes him proud of himself that he's able to provide for us in a way that allows me to stay home with our boys and even goof off and play at the pool with them. Plus, he reminded me how much off a whirlwind days are during school and that I should enjoy my breaks when I can!

 

Actually, he had reconstructive knee surgery a couple of years ago and was out of work for over three months. We continued our daily routine of chores and school best we could. He was amazed at how much I actually do in a day. He commented to everyone how he just never really grasped how much a SAHM really does.

 

I bet if you talked to your dh, he'd feel the same way!

 

Blessings,

Kim

[KS_]

No, I don't. My workday only ends when I go to bed. I believe it's merely that my work schedule, ie, home school, housework, cooking, errands, etc. is different from his. He's off evenings, I am not. He's off weekends, I am not.

 

I agree - I don't feel guilty. I work hard at home, and take care of most of the yardwork, too (except I can't run the weed eater very well. . .) And where he has more relaxation time on the weekends, I'm still doing work (weekends are when I do laundry).

[Sue G in PA]

I do, sometimes. When I am at my worst (emotionally) and cannot seem to get anything done...then I feel guilty. Which, of course, doesn't make the emotional problems any better. :glare: Dh does not enjoy his job anymore and so I do feel very anxious for him. When I am at my best and getting things done, then I do not feel guilty one bit. I'm constantly on the go. Hardly a time to rest. AND, I have 7 children with me 24/7. It is a trade-off and one that we discussed before we even had kids. Now that money is so tight and I'm not working I do often feel guilty b/c I am not contributing financially much. But, it is what it is.

[KJsMom]

Sometimes. When he is working particularly hard or we have unexpected expenses I wish I was doing something to help. Like the pp, I dream up different ways to bring in some cash. I work hard to cut costs wherever I can and I don't do any *recreational spending*, but sometimes I don't feel like it's enough. How sad is it that we work so hard to raise and educate our children, take care of our homes and families, and all the myriad of things that involves, but we feel guilty because we *don't work*? :confused:

[AHASRADA]

Does your dh feel guilty when he is reading the paper, watching the news or CSI, etc. and you are cooking dinner, getting the kids washed up and ready for bed, reading bedtime stories, getting prepared for the next day's lessons, etc.?

 

You both have jobs, they are both challenging and exhausting in their own ways, and have their own schedules. I'm sure if you did a true comparison, your work hours would be at least equal, with yours likely outweighing his.

 

Thinking you are not working as much as dh simply because your work schedule is more flexible, is like saying your kids aren't learning as much at home because you don't follow the public school schedule. Hmm, care to re-think your "guilt"? ;)

[spradlin02]

Nope.

[elegantlion]

No, I don't feel guilty. My contributions to our household don't garner a paycheck, but many of my actions save us money. It's more cost effective for me to stay home.

 

I also don't feel guilty if I relax. I get up get ready for school, teach school, then we both take a break. Then I'm back at it for dinner, clean up, etc.

 

We've been very laid back this summer and honestly a bit lazy, but I don't feel guilty. It's been a great time of refreshing our minds and resting our souls.

[T'smom]

I don't feel guilty. I've worked and I've been at home and for me at least, working is so. much. easier. I really do believe that I'm doing the best thing for my kids by being home, but sometimes it's overwhelmingly hard for me. Lack of adult conversation, lack of intellectual stimulation, (somebody please tell me that this will get better as kids get older!), and even a reason to dress nicely every day all play into this. Now my husband enjoys his work, I would feel badly if he did something every day that he hated, in order to support us. But his day-to-day working life is enjoyable and he gets PLENTY of downtime at home, while I'm still doing dishes and laundry. He plays rec league sports twice a week. If I could get a job that paid as much as he makes and he was willing to stay home I'd trade places with him in a heartbeat. (but see, that sounds so nice- instead of saying 'stay home', we should say- do all the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, and all the other mind-numbingly boring things we do all. day. long.) So, no, I don't feel guilty. I often feel envious.

Maybe you could ease your guilt by thinking of all the things you do for him. Fixing dinner, making sure he has clean clothes, etc.

[WarriorMama]

I am currently entertaining this thought and feel i have to make worth the day in school, cleaning, painting, gardening etc...

I feel guilty if i just relax a bit. Even to watching 1 hr news.

Anyone feel the same?

 

I do sometimes feel guilty, but not for relaxing or because I think he's doing something harder or more important than I am (because I work HARD, and I bet you do too!).

 

I feel guilty that he doesn't enjoy his work (and downright hates it some days) but has to do it for the money, while I am doing what I want to do by staying home with the kids. And I feel bad that he's gone long hours and gets to spend far less time with them than I do, and I know he misses it. I feel bad every time I tell him about the awesome new thing the baby did, or the funny thing that happened...that he wasn't there to see. THAT'S what makes me feel guilty from time to time. :crying:

[Impish]

No, not about being at home while he is at work.

 

Although, granted, part of that may be because I do have an income. The only 'benefit' from being assaulted and disabled at work is that there is financial compensation :glare:

 

I *do* feel guilty about being disabled and all the stuff I can't do, which can vary wildly from one hour to another (and never on the plus side) though.

[CalicoKat]

nada. zilch.

 

I'm not the one getting new clothing each year, business lunches daily, new cars frequently, cool gadgets, daily conversation with adults, and pay raises yearly.

 

Right now he should be happy I'm not on strike.

[MyBlueLobsters]

Honestly? No.

 

Dh has one fulltime job - going to the office.

 

*He* says I have three - 'homemaker,' SAHM, and homeschool teacher/mom. (I agree with him!) We try to divide up the homemaking duties so that it's more like he has 1.5 jobs and I have 2.5. ;)

 

But, no, I don't feel guilty. We work as a partnership, and right now in our lives, he's the one who can bring in a larger income, which we need to make the partnership/team work. The family is a unit, and we're greater than the sum of our parts. I don't feel guilty simply because society view his role as more valuable than mine.

 

100% totally agree!

[MyBlueLobsters]

nada. zilch.

 

I'm not the one getting new clothing each year, business lunches daily, new cars frequently, cool gadgets, daily conversation with adults, and pay raises yearly.

 

Right now he should be happy I'm not on strike.

 

:D

[orangearrow]

I feel badly that I have a job that I love - air conditioned - with three of the BEST co-workers anyone could imagine. We get to go on field trips, chat with friends, read interesting books and learn new things.

 

While dh has a hot, physically demanding job that wears him out. He is a high-energy person and when he comes home, he doesn't sit and relax until late in to the evening. He builds, he plays with the kids, he does tons of stuff around the house, he does the laundry if I've gotten behind... whatever he sees needing done - he does it.

 

So, I feel badly that he works so hard so that we can "enjoy" our job of teaching and learning and wish there were something substantial I could do to make his job easier - the way HE makes MY job easier.

 

So, yeah. I feel guilt. Quite often. None of it is "put on me" by him, though. It's all in my own head.

 

That doesn't make it any easier to deal with. So, I try to work hard at what I do. I don't take shortcuts with our kids' education and try to keep the house up to par. I feel a lot better when he comes in after a long day's work if I know, in my own heart, that I've been working hard that day as well.

Edited July 20, 2010 by orangearrow

[dands]

My husband does not enjoy the job he does. He works for the county and had to take lower income job to assure he survives the laying off. We struggled wilth finances before and we are struggling harder now. He comes home very exhausted and with headaches all the time. He doesn't look happy most of the time. My job and duties is the same as you ladies. 24/7 with 5 kids. Never go to sleep until the last person does. With God's help i make my own income to buy our homeschool curriculum. And help with some bills and food. Yet, i wish i could help more. I do not like seing his sad countenance each day as he leaves home to work.

[Kim in Appalachia]

My dh and I are a team. We are working together for our family. He has a paying job, and I take care of the kids, home, and him. If something were to happen to him where he could not work, then I would take up that part.

 

The idea that both spouses have to provide an income is strange. Both have to work hard, and together, but that does not mean that both have to have a paying job.

 

Because many families have 2 working outside of the home parents outside help is needed to fill the gap. That mean daycare, extended school hours, fast food restaurants and prepackaged food, nursing homes (for help with parents as they age), etc...

 

Being home has been so devalued, it really is sad.

[daffodil]

No, I don't feel guilty. We're a team, and we're both working hard for the good of the family. It probably helps that we both love our jobs. :)

[kwickimom]

Not at all. Mostly because I do everthing (cleaning, scheduling, carting kids around, bills, mowing etc) So even if i only do it all 3 days out of the week all he has to do is go to work and come home. He gets to drive to work in silence, eat lunch in peace,come home and unwind. The kids are always soley my responisibility, even on vacation. he gets a full week off every year to hunt, and everytime I visit my family he gets to do nothing.

 

I suppose if he pitched in more or let me have a vacation or anything I may feel a little different. :D

[Susan in TX]

No, I don't. My workday only ends when I go to bed. I believe it's merely that my work schedule, ie, home school, housework, cooking, errands, etc. is different from his. He's off evenings, I am not. He's off weekends, I am not.

 

:iagree: But my workday doesn't end when I go to bed. I have a nursing toddler and I'm on call 24/7.

 

That said, I do feel guilty when I'm not working during the day, but that's because the only way I can get a break and do anything that's just for me is to neglect something else that needs to be done.

 

Susan in TX

[Wheres Toto]

Most of the time I don't. When I do feel bad it's mainly because I am a really, really bad housekeeper. I do get the basics done - dishes, laundry, cleaning - but things are usually cluttered and messy (although part of that is that our house is very small). DH is very supportive, doesn't complain and actually cooks dinner every night.

[Rosy]

Only when I've been out running around for days on end doing fun things with the kids and DH ends up having to pitch in and help with the cleaning. He doesn't mind unless I've let things go for a long time (which does happen, right now it's our room) or it's something he can't help with (like filing papers).

[Dawn in OH]

No, I don't feel guilty at all. I did feel somewhat guilty in the early years at a time when money was tight, but I no longer feel that way.

 

I work very hard at home and he knows that. He has even commented more than once on how much extra work and how many more added expenses he would have if I were also working outside the home.

[teachermom2834]

We are a team and he really values what I do for the family. For starters, he wouldn't switch jobs with me for anything. He tries hard but I can see the relief on his face when he is going back to the office after a few days off. He would much rather be out working than home working.

 

Also, he would not want me working because he wouldn't want to pick up the slack that would involve. I cannot picture him getting a call to go pick up a sick kid in the middle of the work day. Surely if I worked we would have to split covering those kind of calls (there would be many with 4 kids). He really likes that he doesn't have to schedule meetings, etc. around kid stuff. That's my job.

 

All that said, dh is pretty helpful at home and will come home when needed to deal with a family emergency or sick kid. But, he wouldn't like to lift 50% of that load, as he would if I were working outside the home as well.

 

We're a team. It works for us. I do have friends whose husbands like to throw it up to them, though. My dh has never done that.

[ChristusG]

No, I don't feel guilty. There are trade-off's to each job. He gets up early each day, goes to work whether its raining or shining, has to deal with people, has to go even if he doesn't feel 100% that day, has to answer to someone, etc. However, when he comes home, he's done with his job. He's home in the evenings....he's home on the weekends....he talks to adults all day long.

 

Me, I rarely have "time off." Sure, I may sit down during the day. I may even scrapbook some days....but I'm still "on duty." If the kids need something, I have to do it. If a kid wakes in the middle of the night, I'm the one on it because he has to go to work the next day. I'm never really off the clock, so to speak.

 

Do I envy his position? No...but my position sure is a lot of hard work too. I'm just glad I get to do it from my home. I'm glad I don't have to drive to work in the rain, get kids up and ready in the mornings, deal with a boss, attend work if I'm not feeling well, etc.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I am currently entertaining this thought and feel i have to make worth the day in school, cleaning, painting, gardening etc...

I feel guilty if i just relax a bit. Even to watching 1 hr news.

Anyone feel the same?

 

YES YES YES! My dh works 12-14 hours a day, 6 days a week. I feel like such a slacker if I don't make the most of each hour. Thankfully, he doesn't ever put this guilt on me, but I do feel the drive to be productive.

[flobee76]

I felt guilty in the beginning of parenthood... but NOT ANYMORE!

 

I am like those whose work-day does not end until I go to bed. But, even then, it doesn't end because I have a toddler who still wakes several times during the night.

 

Even if I am not actually "hands-on" with the kids, I am still working: folding laundry, planning meals, prepping meals, planning for school, researching nutrition, etc.

 

I also wanted to add that my husband leaves his job at the end of the day. I am always at work, no matter where I go.

[forty-two]

I don't feel an ounce of guilt about not bringing in a paycheck, though I felt for dh when he had a job he *hated*, b/c I enjoy being home.

 

I don't feel guilty about taking breaks here and there, but I do feel guilt when I'm really slacking off. Dh works hard at his job, and so should I, especially b/c when he's home we (more or less) equally contribute to chores/childcare.

[home4school]

My husband does not enjoy the job he does. He works for the county and had to take lower income job to assure he survives the laying off. We struggled wilth finances before and we are struggling harder now. He comes home very exhausted and with headaches all the time. He doesn't look happy most of the time. My job and duties is the same as you ladies. 24/7 with 5 kids. Never go to sleep until the last person does. With God's help i make my own income to buy our homeschool curriculum. And help with some bills and food. Yet, i wish i could help more. I do not like seing his sad countenance each day as he leaves home to work.

 

I understand what you mean. My dh doesn't love his job either and some days he gets sooo frustrated. It seems those days just happen to be the ones where the kids and I have gone to the pool or on a field trip.:(

 

We were just talking the other day about him being kind of down and out and he was saying he really wished we could go on vacation this year. But, we can't. No money. If I worked.....

 

But over the last 15 years, I have seen God provide for us financially. Always just what we need, no more, no less. A vacation here and there, just not this year.

 

Perhaps this is a season for him at his job and hopefully he can move back up or at least to one he could be happier in soon. Things are so hard for people right now. But, we just have to trust we will come thru the other side.

 

I know seeing him down and out must put more pressure on you and contribute to your feeling of guilt. But I'm sure he's glad he can provide for you to stay home with your 5 littles.

 

:grouphug: Kim

[sarawatsonim]

What I feel guilty about is him having the stress on his shoulders to ensure we have enough money. Dh is a goldsmith of his family run business so he doesn't get an hourly wage, he gets paid by work that comes in. So the stress begins because no work coming in = no money. When I was working FT at least my income was a guaranteed pay check for us, so the stress was lower. I don't feel guilty over the fact of being a sahm though. I think I do enough work here to cover my share.:001_smile: In our recent move, I was even the one who packed 98% of the house on my own while he sat on the couch an watched from a distance :glare:. I just wish money wasn't so tight.

[Food4Thought]

My gut reaction is that, no, I don't feel guilty. But reading your sentence about "making it up" with gardening, cooking, cleaning - yes, that's me. I do feel like I need to earn my worth.

 

However, if I get burnt out, I have a tendency to get sick (or "crash" as my family calls it, and lay in bed doing nothing for a few days). To prevent that, I don't feel guilty about taking breaks, watching a movie in the middle of the day when I feel like it, or reading a "fluff" novel to give myself a break from homeschool planning. I know I work hard. DH knows it too.

[ScoutTN]

Not a bit. I am doing what God has called and equipped me to do and so is he. I love being a SAHM and a HS mom.

I do often get a break - like right now - when my kids are resting. But he doesn't have the constant demands of children every minute at work. Each situation has it's own inherent difficulties and upsides.

[FriedClams]

I work just as hard as my husband, I just don't get paid for it. We've talked about it - even as "easy" as my job can appear DH does not want it. Ever. He's good for a weekend, but that's about it. I joke with him that my pace is easier, but my days are much longer. My hours now stink, but when the kids are in college I suspect they'll be a lot better. ;) So no. No guilt here.

[littlebug42]

I do on occasion when that stupid "Super-Mom" voice in me starts talking. I feel bad that I can't do better with the house etc and I would like to be the Susie Homemaker that has excellent, well balanced meals for three meals a day but I have to make myself take a reality check. My dh works a 40 hour week but I also work nights, 28-30 hours a week, in addition to homeschooling and the homemaker duties. I am constantly sleep deprived. It's a miracle that I accomplish what I do. I think he has it easy comparatively.

[silver]

No, I don't. I do work part time from home--but I bring in a small fraction of what my husband makes, so I don't think that makes a difference in my case.

 

If my husband is sick, he can stay home and relax. If I'm sick, I still have to do all my duties--and often have to take care of sick kids on top of it.

 

My husband's coworkers never scream uncontrollably. I have a baby with me all day.

 

My husband was home sick with strep about a month ago. He mostly napped and laid on the couch watching movies and tv with our son. My husband said that although he was not 100% better when he went back to work, he was glad to not be a "stay at home dad" all day. And he wasn't even doing everything that a typical stay at home parent would do!

 

My husband works hard at his job. I know that some days he probably wishes he didn't have to do it. But I think if we were independently wealthy that he would still choose to go out and work. Whereas I would quit my part time job and continue to stay home in that same situation.

[Love2Smile]

I have yet to read all the other replies, but NO I do not feel guilty at all, and my husband would be upset if I did. IMO I work just as hard and have equal albiet different responsibilities.

[Love2Smile]

No. It's a division of labor but I'm not just the house maid or the cook. I am raising our children, his children. Being the best wife, mother, homemaker I can be requires taking care of myself and taking care of myself means resting sometimes.

 

This arraignment was our agreement before we got married and no, I don't feel like I have to "earn" my way.

 

I enjoy caring for my home and family but I don't feel the need to prove my worth or somehow justify not producing income. If I don't care for our home, the kids, my dh; who will? I could pay someone to do a much better job of cooking and cleaning and even teaching, but I can't pay anyone to LOVE my family. That is why I am here, why I cook and clean and teach, because I love them more than anyone else could.

Well said!

[golfcartmama]

I feel badly that I have a job that I love - air conditioned - with three of the BEST co-workers anyone could imagine. We get to go on field trips, chat with friends, read interesting books and learn new things.

 

While dh has a hot, physically demanding job that wears him out. He is a high-energy person and when he comes home, he doesn't sit and relax until late in to the evening. He builds, he plays with the kids, he does tons of stuff around the house, he does the laundry if I've gotten behind... whatever he sees needing done - he does it.

 

So, I feel badly that he works so hard so that we can "enjoy" our job of teaching and learning and wish there were something substantial I could do to make his job easier - the way HE makes MY job easier.

 

So, yeah. I feel guilt. Quite often. None of it is "put on me" by him, though. It's all in my own head.

 

That doesn't make it any easier to deal with. So, I try to work hard at what I do. I don't take shortcuts with our kids' education and try to keep the house up to par. I feel a lot better when he comes in after a long day's work if I know, in my own heart, that I've been working hard that day as well.

:iagree: This is my situation exactly!

[alpidarkomama]

We are both always working for the good of the family, and also taking care of ourselves for the good of the family. So, if I need a little nap in the middle of the day so I can keep on being a good mama, I feel no guilt taking it! And I am quite sure DH far more enjoys being greeted by a happy, refreshed wife when he comes home from a long day at work. Who is actually earning the money is really irrelevant. Money is being earned and the family is being cared for.

[QueenCat]

No. We're a team. Just because I don't get paid to do my work doesn't make what I do less valuable. When I worked, family life was a lot harder as more had to be done in less time, by both of us.

[oasis]

Maybe this will make you feel better about what you do! :001_smile:

 

I'm a full-time working mom, and I envy the stay-at-home parents!

 

My husband is the stay-at-home parent, but he doesn't do laundry, dishes, bathroom cleaning, paying bills, etc. He cooks, and sometimes clears the clutter, and that's it.

 

I leave the house at 6 a.m., and a lot of times don't get home until 6 p.m. I'm sooo tired, but then there's the homeschooling to do with my 6-year-old daughter (hubby says our 4-year-old son interferes too much to do schooling during the day while I'm gone), and mountains of laundry, and two sinks full of dishes.

 

Besides that, the house is a total disaster. Hubby and kids are home all day to trash it, and when I get home, you cannot tell any housework was done the day before (if I did, in fact, get to any housework!)

 

We also have a side business, and I run everything on the business side. I try to do some of that work while I'm at my full-time job, but lots of days I'm also working on our side business stuff after my full-time job. I feel like I'm always working, working, working.

 

We're in a lot of debt, and I'm working hard to get us out of it. I started an eBay store to try to help make more ends meet, but really I don't spend enough time listing stuff to make it worthwhile. I wish my dh would help with the eBay thing, but he's not interested. :glare:

 

If I could stay at home during the day, at least I could do laundry throughout the day, and not be squishing all this housework into four hours of the day, while also attempting to work on our side business, and homeschool our daughter.

 

I look forward to a day when it's not so busy!

[JennyD]

Never. As others have said, we both work -- he just happens to be the one who gets paid.

 

I'm pretty sure that we both secretly think that we have the better end of the deal, though. :001_smile:

[nono]

Maybe this will make you feel better about what you do! :001_smile:

 

I'm a full-time working mom, and I envy the stay-at-home parents!

 

My husband is the stay-at-home parent, but he doesn't do laundry, dishes, bathroom cleaning, paying bills, etc. He cooks, and sometimes clears the clutter, and that's it.

 

I leave the house at 6 a.m., and a lot of times don't get home until 6 p.m. I'm sooo tired, but then there's the homeschooling to do with my 6-year-old daughter (hubby says our 4-year-old son interferes too much to do schooling during the day while I'm gone), and mountains of laundry, and two sinks full of dishes.

 

Besides that, the house is a total disaster. Hubby and kids are home all day to trash it, and when I get home, you cannot tell any housework was done the day before (if I did, in fact, get to any housework!)

 

We also have a side business, and I run everything on the business side. I try to do some of that work while I'm at my full-time job, but lots of days I'm also working on our side business stuff after my full-time job. I feel like I'm always working, working, working.

 

We're in a lot of debt, and I'm working hard to get us out of it. I started an eBay store to try to help make more ends meet, but really I don't spend enough time listing stuff to make it worthwhile. I wish my dh would help with the eBay thing, but he's not interested. :glare:

 

If I could stay at home during the day, at least I could do laundry throughout the day, and not be squishing all this housework into four hours of the day, while also attempting to work on our side business, and homeschool our daughter.

 

I look forward to a day when it's not so busy!

 

Hmmm. You need an agent to renegotiate your contract! ;)

 

Guilty? Not me. After 5 years of staying home, my husband and I have now worked an equal number of full-time years. I earned my way into staying home. :)

[rlowetx]

Funny, in our house it's the reverse. We both used to work together and loved our jobs. Staying home is harder than going to the office, in both of our opinions. If he doesn't do something right, it isn't going to scar anyone for life and send them into therapy :lol:

 

I hate errands and taking care of the yard and shopping and he knows it kills me not to be involved in the projects at work...so he comes home and cooks often and we clean the house as a family on the weekends. The office is much easier.