Does anyone else have the wrong personality to get along with other women?

[angela in ohio]

Please tell me I am not alone!!

 

I am a matter-of-fact, action-taking kind of person. I don't want to sit around with other ladies and gush about how wonderful they are so that they know I like them. I will do anything to help anyone, though. Really. I have spent days on end helping friends and even strangers. I jokingly say I have a "man personality," which sounds wierd as I am a very girly wife and not really manly in any other way. Honest! :D But I don't go for listening to emotions when they are misguided or I can help fix the situation. I tend to want to get to the point as quickly as possible, rather than wallowing in feelings. Some (few) people really appreciate this, but I am finding some women think I don't like them, which then causes problems.

 

I read the Love Languages book a while ago, and I am going to do it again. I do get that different people respond to different things.

 

I guess I am just asking if anyone is like this, and whether you decided to start giving people what they want or whether you just let them deal with how you are. I keep getting "backlash" from not giving people what they want, and I can't figure out whether to stand strong or to take this as a sign that I should change.

[Renee in NC]

Why is that a man personality? I don't think I have ever in my life gushed at someone to show them how much I like them!:confused: Oh wait - does that mean I have a man personality too?:lol:

[angela in ohio]

Why is that a man personality? I don't think I have ever in my life gushed at someone to show them how much I like them!:confused: Oh wait - does that mean I have a man personality too?:lol:

 

You know the stereo-typical Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing? Women are emotional and men just want to fix things.

[Renee in NC]

You know the stereo-typical Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing? Women are emotional and men just want to fix things.

 

Then I am androgynous - I am an emotional person who wants to fix everything!:lol::lol:

[LaxMom]

Yes. Or, at least, I used to think that until I met a "better class" of women. :D While they are very in touch with feeling and emotion, they are action types.

 

Renee - the idea is that men hear a problem and immediately configure a solution; women hear a problem and commiserate. Evidently, our people will talk a situation into little pieces, but finding a solution doesn't play into the discussion.

 

ETA: There is often (outside of my circle) mutual flabbergasting when another woman complains about something and I suggest a solution... she doesn't want one and I miss that memo. Heehee.

Edited September 1, 2009 by MyCrazyHouse

[Shelly in IL]

When I am the worst "non-woman" is when there is a committee of just women running something, and it seems common sense goes out the window. I do not like to belong to "groups" of women only.

[MariannNOVA]

the idea is that men hear a problem and immediately configure a solution; women hear a problem and commiserate.

 

That explains alot -- 'solution configuration' s/b my first and middle name. 'Commiseration' should not take up more than about 26 seconds, in my book.

[Prudent]

I'm like that, you're not alone.

 

Another thing that makes it hard for me to relate to women is what I called the pampered princess personality. I'm a SAHM, and generally ascribe to traditional household roles. But some of the women at my church would be floored if they knew I painted two bathrooms and all the doors and trim in my house this summer. That's a man's job :001_huh:

 

They also would be dumbfounded if I let them know that basically all our clothing, dishes, books, and furnishings are from thrift stores. Most of the women I know talk about shopping and buying things all the time. I truly have nothing to add to those conversations.

 

I do try to relate to other women, I think it's beneficial. But I spend a lot of time trying to overlook an abundance of differences and find some common ground.

[LaxMom]

That explains alot -- 'solution configuration' s/b my first and middle name. 'Commiseration' should not take up more than about 26 seconds, in my book.

:lol: Is that how long it takes to say "Oh, wow, that stinks! You should think about..."

 

Which is my touchy-feely version of "Huh. You should..."

[AlmiraGulch]

When I am the worst "non-woman" is when there is a committee of just women running something, and it seems common sense goes out the window. I do not like to belong to "groups" of women only.

Oh my gosh...you are not kidding.

 

I absolutely cannot participate in PTA or anything like that anymore. "Those" women made me want to poke my own eye out!!!! I really appreciate their taking the time...I promise. I just can't be a part of it. I find that things that should take 15 minutes end up taking 2 hours with 3 follow up meetings scheduled.

 

So, to answer the original question....I'm much more Mars than Venus. Very action oriented, problem solver, non-emotional.

 

I do love my girlfriends, though. Don't know what I'd do without them.

[cajun.classical]

Please tell me I am not alone!!

 

I am a matter-of-fact, action-taking kind of person. I don't want to sit around with other ladies and gush about how wonderful they are so that they know I like them. I will do anything to help anyone, though. Really. I have spent days on end helping friends and even strangers. I jokingly say I have a "man personality," which sounds wierd as I am a very girly wife and not really manly in any other way. Honest! :D But I don't go for listening to emotions when they are misguided or I can help fix the situation. I tend to want to get to the point as quickly as possible, rather than wallowing in feelings. Some (few) people really appreciate this, but I am finding some women think I don't like them, which then causes problems.

 

I read the Love Languages book a while ago, and I am going to do it again. I do get that different people respond to different things.

 

I guess I am just asking if anyone is like this, and whether you decided to start giving people what they want or whether you just let them deal with how you are. I keep getting "backlash" from not giving people what they want, and I can't figure out whether to stand strong or to take this as a sign that I should change.

 

I have been told so many times that I have a "man's brain." And I don't much get along with other women either--especially GROUPS of women.

 

I've made my peace with it. I try to be kind and to find common ground where I can, but I think people are generally getting used to having different expectations for me.

 

When I was younger, I was much more hard-core "this is me. take it or leave it." I ended up hurting a lot of people--or I should say that they were hurt. I didn't do it intentionally. I was just being me and they didn't know how to interpret. I've mellowed substantially and have tried to find ways to interact with other women that still feels like me.

 

Basically, I have tried to become more aware that many women--and men too--end up feeling rejected by me and I've tried to be more sensitive to that. Since I've mellowed I'm finding that people are not so desperate for my approval and attention and much less likely to try to engage me in ways I'm not comfortable.

 

Does any of this make sense?

[RoughCollie]

I found out a long time ago that if I give advice to someone when they tell me their problems, they don't follow it. Many people prefer to keep their problems -- they like having those problems, for some reason unbeknownst to me. So if someone wants to yap about their problems, they can pay me $200/hour to listen -- otherwise, hire a professional. I don't have time to be jerked around by anyone with problems that they like to keep around. It is a different story when the person is earnestly seeking advice and plans to solve their problem, whether they take my advice or not.

 

I don't talk about my DH or my kids IRL, and I'm not keen on hearing about anyone else's DH or kids either. It's one thing to make a few positive comments -- it's another to go on and on about it. I come here if I need advice about the kids because I like getting good advice from a variety of points of view.

 

Pretty much, I guess I don't solicit comments on my personal life, and I don't pay attention to volunteered opinions either.

 

I sometimes think I am a curmudgeon.

 

When all 4 kids were still in diapers and in the midst of being potty-trained, I took them to a play group in our town. I was excited about it because I'd get to talk to the adults.

 

Well, they were talking about potty-training! What would I want to do that for? I was already living it at home and I sure didn't want to talk about it.

 

That's the way it always is when I get around groups of women I don't know well. They bore me. I do not want to participate in conversation about kids, teachers, husbands, shopping, clothes, make-up, hair styles, t.v. shows, movies, or community and school events.

 

Sometimes I wonder if that is the "getting to know you" stage, and then I think, nah. I did not go through a stage like that with my closest IRL friends.

 

My IRL friends are different (sadly, we do not live in the same place any more). We briefly catch up on our personal lives and then we talk about all sorts of other things -- books, cooking, sustainable living, the environment, religion, politics, blah, blah, blah. It's fun. Kind of like it is here.

 

I am nice and polite to people most of the time, don't get me wrong. I don't go around hurting people's feelings if I can help it. I'm not anywhere close to being a doormat, though.

 

I've been told I "think like a man". I prefer to believe that I think like the intelligent person I am.

Edited September 1, 2009 by RoughCollie

[Tree House Academy]

I don't have a hard time getting along with ALL women...but I definitely have a certain "type" that I make friends with. Generally, it is because we share the same views and the same sense of humor. Those I don't get along with, I usually never come around to developing a friendship with. I can be cordial from afar, but I tend to know when I meet someone whose personality will clash with mine, so I don't even bother.

[Dirtroad]

I don't like women's groups and avoid them like the plague.... too much fluffy! I do not particpate in women only committees or Bible studies. I went on a women's retreat several years back & was absolutely exhausted when I returned (some "retreat").

 

I don't like to shop. I don't like to browse. I don' t like popculture, clothes or trends. I don't like talking about feelings and emotions. I never fit in. And, in most ways, I am so THANKFUL!!!:lol: If there is a need, get to work on it... don't discuss it & analyze it. Just roll up your sleeves!!!

 

I was speaking to a women one time and when she left (rather put out & confused).... a friend/guy sitting with me started laughing. I didn't get it. He said, "You grew up with guys didn't you! "

I said, "yeah, why?"

He said, "Because you talk like one....".... eureka moment for me!

 

I just don't fit in. But all is well...

[Danestress]

I don't think being matter of fact it an impediment to having female friends. My experience is not that women sit around and "gush about how wonderful they are." Most of my friend have much more to offer than that, but then I select my friends based on characteristics that allow me to really enjoy them, and gushing would be a problem for me. Just because someone goes to my church or lives in my neighborhood does not mean we are going to be friends.

 

It sounds like you don't really like the women around you, and maybe they pick up on that? 'Doing things' for people while feeling critical about their personalities isn't likely to help you make friends, and those probably aren't the people you WANT to be friends with anyway. Are there any women you actually like and want to be friends with? Some women really don't feel like they "need" girl friends.

 

I'm not sure what back lash you are getting, but I do think that you have a choice how emotionally close you want to be with people and I certainly wouldn't let someone pressure me into being emotionally intimate when I don't want to be.

[Carrie12345]

For me, the sex of a person doesn't matter. I've found myself becoming increasingly judgmental lately, and few people meet my "standards". I've actually been discussing this with dh over the past few days. I do a semi-decent job of hiding these feelings in most scenarios, but they sometimes slip out through my tone, facial expressions, or body language.

 

I am perfectly content having a very limited pool of friends. I don't want to spend a lot of time with people I don't enjoy. But I'm desperately working on my ability to politely socialize with a wider variety of people. My homeschooled children are so much better at it than I am! ;)

[jujsky]

I have a friend who sounds just like you, and I like her honesty and her "Let's Fix This" attitude. She is still sympathetic, but she doesn't let you wallow in misery. She has said that she acts like more of a man than a woman (even though she is also very domestic and very much a mom) and that her husband is emotionally more like a woman in their relationship. It just balances, I guess.

[angela in ohio]

It sounds like you don't really like the women around you, and maybe they pick up on that? 'Doing things' for people while feeling critical about their personalities isn't likely to help you make friends, and those probably aren't the people you WANT to be friends with anyway. Are there any women you actually like and want to be friends with? Some women really don't feel like they "need" girl friends.

 

If I didn't like them, I wouldn't care whether I relate to them well. I also wouldn't care to try to help them if I didn't like them. I don't have a judgement about what they are like, I am just realizing that we are different. I don't necessarily want to be close friends with them, but we are together by circumstances, and I need to keep peace with them. They seek my help, and I give it. I just don't think they like the way I give it. :D I'm trying to decide if I change the way I help and the way I realte to them, or if I keep on with what I am doing and let them adjust to me.

 

My close friends tend to have a personality more like mine. As I said, I have a few people in my life who appreciate the way I am. Those are my close friends.

[angela in ohio]

Basically, I have tried to become more aware that many women--and men too--end up feeling rejected by me and I've tried to be more sensitive to that. Since I've mellowed I'm finding that people are not so desperate for my approval and attention and much less likely to try to engage me in ways I'm not comfortable.

 

Does any of this make sense?

 

That is incredibly helpful. Thank you! The approval and attention thing is the problem a lot of the time...

[angela in ohio]

:lol: Is that how long it takes to say "Oh, wow, that stinks! You should think about..."

 

Which is my touchy-feely version of "Huh. You should..."

 

:D

[HeathenMom]

i am and have always been 'one of the guys'. i get along much better with men and really can only have relationships with women when i can keep them at arms length...of course, i've often wondered if abnormally drama-filled women are drawn to me for some reason.

[Osmosis Mom]

Yes. Or, at least, I used to think that until I met a "better class" of women. :D While they are very in touch with feeling and emotion, they are action types.

 

Renee - the idea is that men hear a problem and immediately configure a solution; women hear a problem and commiserate. Evidently, our people will talk a situation into little pieces, but finding a solution doesn't play into the discussion.

 

ETA: There is often (outside of my circle) mutual flabbergasting when another woman complains about something and I suggest a solution... she doesn't want one and I miss that memo. Heehee.

 

 

LOL!! I am definitely a man in wolf's clothes then. I have learned, though, over the years to hold back all the advice I have. Geez, I could have solved the world crisis by now if only people had listened....

[TravelingChris]

Have any of you done the Myers Briggs test? Both my middle daughter and I are INTJ and we always think we are more like males. That is because we are seriously analytical thinkers and also rathr non-emotional. I am trying to break the news gently to my middle that even though she is like this and naturally gravitates towards boys for hanging out, that will have to be changing. I found that out in college where boys I thought could simply be my friends turned out to eventually want more than that.

[Dawn in OH]

I find it incredibly difficult to form bonds or friendships with other women. We just don't seem to have much in common.

 

First of all, I'm pretty blunt and honest. Don't ask me if that dress makes you look fat if you aren't prepared to get the truth.

 

I don't play head games. I don't manipulate, nor will I be manipulated.

 

There's more to life than shopping. While I like to have nice things, shopping is my least favorite thing to talk about.

 

I don't want to play the compare our children game.

 

I don't whine and complain to the degree most women I know do. I've got better things to do with my time, and complaining never fixed anything.

 

While my husband is far from perfect, I don't want to sit around and play the "bash my husband game".

 

I don't want to gossip about our other "friends" just as I wouldn't want them to gossip about me.

 

I'm going to say what I mean and mean what I say. There's no hidden agenda, there's no secret code.

 

I don't have the time or the desire to be bothered with persons (male or female) that are insistent upon doing or discussing any of the above. There are much more productive ways to spend my time and I have far too many interests in life to waste time on those things.

[Danestress]

is that there are women who you want to get along with and be on friendly terms with, but who you don't necessarily want to be "close" friends with.

 

I'm not sure what the gap is between the help you give and the help they want. Is it that they want more intangible "listening, nurturing etc" rather than more practical help? Even if you try to meet their expectation of those more "womany/motherly" nurturing and talking type helps, you may never really satisfy them because you don't feel like it's really "you." I tend to think you should stick with what you are good at. But I'm not really sure what to do with their backlash.

[Jami]

I'm probably wired a little more like you are (as is my mother, so that was my main model). I know I get along fabulously with Angelina ;) and other people on the more blunt? masculine? side of the spectrum. But I have a wide mix of friends and I think it displays wisdom to speak to them in a way that they can relate to without trying to be someone else, if you know what I mean.

 

The people I gravitate towards are certainly more like I am in temperament. I've been trying to get to know some of the other wives of dh's coworkers. And it's a struggle to know how to relate sometimes. They have younger children and tend to shop, decorate, and go to the gym to fill their days. They're all very sweet. But I get the feeling of high school again when I'm obviously the nerd. :lol:

[Night Elf]

Yes. I know something is wrong with how I interact with people because I can't keep a friend to save my life. I know I'm very talkative but I feel I'm extremely generous and caring. Maybe I need to be less talkative and a bit unfeeling to distance myself? Though I really don't see how that can be a good foundation for a friendship. Obviously I'm clueless. No, you aren't alone.

 

I should add I'm all emotion and have no desire to fix anything because I never have a clue on how to fix things. My DH and I know that if I'm not looking for a solution to something but instead just want to vent, I start the conversation by announcing to him that I need a listener not a handy man. :)

Edited September 1, 2009 by Night Elf

[angela in ohio]

to speak to them in a way that they can relate to without trying to be someone else, if you know what I mean.

 

 

I think this is what I need to do, but figuring out how to actually balance it is going to be tricky.

 

Thank you for putting it into words. :001_smile:

[Sweetpeach]

is that there are women who you want to get along with and be on friendly terms with, but who you don't necessarily want to be "close" friends with.

 

 

 

I have a few near&dears who I super enjoy and fill up my relational tank.

 

I also interact with a church-full of women who I enjoy extending the Kingdom with, doing meaningful activity with but not women with whom I want to share my deepest me. I enjoy coffee with the girls, but not coffee with every group of girls on my radar.

 

It gets very tricky to draw loving boundaries with women who want more of you. Rejection issues surface; church-life interactions can get touchy. I want to go the distance with people but I don't think I can go super-close with every woman on my radar.

 

It's finding the balance between who will be my near&dears and how I will walk authentically and lovingly with the women who aren't so close to my heart, in a personal, relational way that doesn't leave a bitter or distant taste in their mouths.

T

 

ps: what this thread is all about is what took me most by surprise when I came on staff in January. The hardest part of "leading" is staying connected with everyone in a meaningful way but not so close that the relationships make me crazy!

Edited September 1, 2009 by Sweetpeach

[Retired]

Well most women don't like me.

 

I can't stand to be in a group of women talking about their problems and when you actually give them a solution. Oh, she is horrible, she doesn't really like us, she is so critical. :confused:

 

They really just want you to go oh poor think, oh you can't help it

 

I like debate and deep conversation, not gossip.

 

I hate shopping. Why do women want to go on shopping dates?

 

I am a fixer by nature. I really want to help people. I have learned to keep my mouth shut around women They don't want solutions. They just want to vent.

 

I also do household maintenance. I paint, clean out water heaters, plumbing. I can do everything around the house my DH does. He is gone often and I am not paying for a service person.

 

I can't stand to hear someone whining about my DH want do something. I say well its easy, this how you do it, do it yourself. I even offer to come over and show them and help them. I have had a few women that really wanted the learn. I helped a friend install her new dishwasher. It had been siting in the garage for a couple of months. We had it installed in 2 hours. I loved her dh's face. He really was impressed with her.

 

Oh and I am not a amazon or anything. I am a petite little women and followed my dad around and learned everything about home maintenance when I was young.

 

I had one lady tell me how can your DH feel like a man if you do his work. I told her he would think I was lazy if all I did was sit around making list for him when I had the brains to do it myself.

 

My DH loves that I only leave the large maintenance projects. He painted the outside of the house. I could of done it, did plenty with my dad. But I wanted him to feel needed:D

[OnTheBrink]

I find it incredibly difficult to form bonds or friendships with other women. We just don't seem to have much in common.

 

First of all, I'm pretty blunt and honest. Don't ask me if that dress makes you look fat if you aren't prepared to get the truth.

 

I don't play head games. I don't manipulate, nor will I be manipulated.

 

There's more to life than shopping. While I like to have nice things, shopping is my least favorite thing to talk about.

 

I don't want to play the compare our children game.

 

I don't whine and complain to the degree most women I know do. I've got better things to do with my time, and complaining never fixed anything.

 

While my husband is far from perfect, I don't want to sit around and play the "bash my husband game".

 

I don't want to gossip about our other "friends" just as I wouldn't want them to gossip about me.

 

I'm going to say what I mean and mean what I say. There's no hidden agenda, there's no secret code.

 

I don't have the time or the desire to be bothered with persons (male or female) that are insistent upon doing or discussing any of the above. There are much more productive ways to spend my time and I have far too many interests in life to waste time on those things.

 

MY TWIN! :grouphug:

 

I abhor the head games, manipulation garbage. I can not stand whining. In fact, I intentionally avoid women who whine. And, I say what I mean. If I say yes, it's yes. If I say no, it's no. It's not an invitation to nag me about if I'm sure about it. It's either yes or no.

 

I'm blunt, too. If I'm in the middle of some big thing and you ask if I would like some help, expect me to either say, "Yes, X, Y, and Z need to be done" or "No thanks; I've got it." Also, I can't stand long, drawn out stories where I'm sitting there wondering if there's a point anywhere in the near future. Give me the bottom line, then fill me in on details.

 

I spent so many years with emotional manipulation, head games, flattery and BS, that I can spot it within a nanosecond. Expect to be called on it!

 

So, yeah; I don't have many women I call "friends." And, most of the women I do consider to be friends are the same as I!

[Michelle My Bell]

Angela,

 

Since I know you in real life, let me just say that I like you the way you are. In fact, I think we are a lot alike. I LOVE the womanly arts and all that involves but I can't stand emotional outbreaks and I prefer that when women get together, that we have fun and enjoy our time. I have no desire get emotional and "share".

 

There are a select few, all of them in my immediate family,that I open my emotions with. Actually, I am just NOT that emotional of a person, however like you that doesn't mean I don't deeply love or that I can't get hurt. I just choose to keep those feelings to myself and my family. Please don't let people try to make you into what they think you should be. God created you to be who you are.

 

God Bless,

Michelle

[sadiegirl]

I don't think of myself as having problems connecting with people but this last time that we moved, we moved to a smaller town where everyone seems to everyone. I have always envied those that seem to just fall into friendships easily. I have had a difficult time connecting and finding friends. I am in a monthly Bible study and yet noone seems to show interest in taking outside of that time. I feel lonely alot here even though I have my kids and a fantastic husband. I depend on my friendships from previous places we have lived but yet I find that those are hard to maintain without seeing them often.

[KidsHappen]

I don't have a people personality. People make me uncomfortable. I much prefer to be alone and am hoping to become a hermit when my children leave home.

 

It's not that I don't care or that I am not willing to help. I care deeply and would do just about anything to help friends but I prefer to do the kinds of helping that I can do alone. Need someone to feed your cat while you are away, no problem. Bake something for you, sure. Run and errand or pick something up for you while I am out, absolutely. I am best at expressing myself in writing and my love language is acts of service. But I find interacting with people to be stressful and draining.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I live in an area which is somewhat known for snotty women. I discovered exactly what this meant at my son's T-ball games, where I couldn't even get anyone to make eye contact to say hello. It's ridiculous. And, I think the only pastime of the majority of them is shopping at high-end retailers and driving around the suburbs in their brand new Hummers. (Boy, I am on a judmental roll this morning (see Duggar post)!). Needless to say, I'm not into joining groups in this community, either. I always thought I didn't get along with women, either, but I discovered there are women out there who share a similar viewpoint to me, and have made a nice little circle of women friends. It's very refreshing. I do enjoy spending time with them, because we talk about our kids, of course, but also about books we've read, projects we want to do, trips we'd like to take, etc.

Edited September 1, 2009 by thescrappyhomeschooler

[Jami]

Just more musing...

 

I know for myself, I have to be careful not to allow my more opinionated or blunt personality to be an excuse for unkindness. Even if I don't intend to hurt feelings, it's better sometimes if I just honestly don't give advice because I don't think I can do it in a way that won't be hurtful. Unless...it's a sister in Christ to whom I have a responsibility to lovingly challenge. But even then, I think the example we see from Christ is to speak to people where they're at. To adapt our style somewhat. Or Paul, who knew that to some audiences he needed to be very firm and blunt. And to others, more gentle.

 

I mentioned above that my mother is a pretty straightforward, no nonsense woman. She'd rather have a discussion about a book or go on a mission trip and *do* service than shop, decorate, etc. that some of her peers prefer. But, she also used to be more obviously critical and even as her daughter, it was hard to ask for advice and not feel like she wasn't hearing the whole story because she didn't use "feeling" words but tended to just give blunt solutions. She's softened some over the years, the more she understands God's grace and that she can afford to be more gracious as well. It's not up to her to make sure someone gets the right choice into their heads, there's freedom in that. In just sympathetic listening without having to have an opinion or offer a solution. I think it's an Ecclesiastes issue--a time to speak and a time to keep silent. And a wise person learns better and better how to adapt to a mix of people.

[Matryoshka]

I have quite a few close women friends, and I couldn't survive without them. But...

 

None of them talk about shopping, make-up, hair, the gym, or any of that inane crap that would make me want to kill them. I'm sure there are lots of women like that out there, but I say two sentences to them and run away, so I don't much notice their existence. This is why I can't live in a subdivision - I think those places are filled with those women, and I'd be a pariah.

 

Most of the homeschooling moms I've met in IRL are down-to-earth, independent minded, and intelligent. Well, again, maybe it's my "no tolerance for twits" radar - there may have been some that weren't but I haven't paid attention to them.

 

I'm an ENTP, well the P is close to a J, and the E is also near the I line, but the NT part is clear. Very analytical, not emotional. I don't hang out with men much anymore - since I've been married it seems weird to me to hang out with men other than dh. Before I was married I hung out with a bunch of guys (none of whom I ever dated) that would go out every Friday night to eat - really argumentative types. I loved it. There were two other gals in the group originally, but I ended up being the only one left standing. I like argumentative types (and some, though not all, of my good girlfriends are argumentative, blunt and prickly. I seem to be drawn to that).

 

Although my best friend and my dh are not argumentative. I've found the people I'm around that much can't be or it can get out of control. I try not to be argumentative on the board for the same reason - I can argue a point for fun, but too much can be draining.

[Garga]

Oh, I'm such a fixer! That's why I love these boards! Someone posts a problem and I can swoop in and give them excellent advice that they should take immediately and it will solve all their problems! :D

 

And since it's a board, I can do away with any pleasantries beforehand. Look at this example:

 

Someone posts: "I'm at my wit's end! It's driving me nuts. We can't get to any of our fun stuff in the afternoon because my son dawdles and won't finish his work on time."

 

Me: "Tell him that if he works too slowly he'll have to finish his work after dinner."

 

Wasn't that great!? Don't you love it!? Problem fixed!!! Didn't have to commiserate (unless I wanted to). Didn't have to make concerned faces. I could just get right to the solution.

 

Now, if only we could get the president and our senators on here asking for advice, I could fix the whole world!

[PineFarmMom]

 

I guess I am just asking if anyone is like this, and whether you decided to start giving people what they want or whether you just let them deal with how you are. I keep getting "backlash" from not giving people what they want, and I can't figure out whether to stand strong or to take this as a sign that I should change.

 

I get the same backlash. I used to be surrounded by friendships, but many of them were ankle-deep, and I was involved in the gushy. I found I could either follow the Lord or do all of the gushy things that would make people like me. I think there is a reason for people like you...I think you balance things. I had an older lady in my church when I was in my 20s. She told it like it was and I grew more from knowing her than from the 100 other gushy friends I had had before. We didn't have year-long conversations. She was kind and straightforward. What a treasure!! :) I'm to a point that I would prefer it to be me and God than for me to lack integrity by telling people what they want to hear or by listening to people tell me what I might want to hear.

 

To the person who said they can't be involved in women's committes, I'm with you. I've just had to walk away and realize that the frustration just wasn't worth it for me. I refuse to get involved in groups of women who gossip, who pat each other on the back to get approval, who make a meeting that could last 5 minutes go on for 3 hours. It usually involves gossip, 9 times out of 10, and I just can't do it.

 

My best, closest friend is long-distance and we pray together 3 or 4 times a week. We're to the point, encouraging each other, but call things like they are without crossing the line. I really haven't found anyone else willing to foster that type of friendship. I just walked away from a life-sucking "friendship" with someone who wanted to surround herself with liars. She desired people to gush over her martyrdom, help her bash her husband, and tell her what a hard-worker she was while he did nothing. I couldn't do it because it was a lie. He was a wonderful husband who put up with a bunch of crap from her. I walked away from it, not in anger, just distance, because she didn't like that I wouldn't pat her on the head and gush.

 

I don't think that it's an inability to get along with other women. I think it's called maturity!

[OhM]

Have any of you done the Myers Briggs test? Both my middle daughter and I are INTJ and we always think we are more like males. That is because we are seriously analytical thinkers and also rathr non-emotional. I am trying to break the news gently to my middle that even though she is like this and naturally gravitates towards boys for hanging out, that will have to be changing. I found that out in college where boys I thought could simply be my friends turned out to eventually want more than that.

 

Just getting ready to post this same thing.

 

I always thought that I just didn't do well in groups of women because I was out of practice - I was one of three in my upper level engineering classes in college, then worked in mostly-male offices and working groups for nearly 20 years.

 

Then I found my M-B profile - INTJ - and it all made sense! Being in a male-dominated profession was an indicator, not the cause.

 

And not to cast aspersions on anyone here,:D but I have to say that I've seen enought to know that there's another side to "I get along with men better..." I don't know how many times I've heard that from other women and then come to find out it's because they are so much more successful with flirting when the group is primarily men. :lol:

[Jugglin'5]

When I am the worst "non-woman" is when there is a committee of just women running something, and it seems common sense goes out the window. I do not like to belong to "groups" of women only.

 

:iagree:

 

Very occasionally, I tell my dh something that I don't want a solution to, I'm just venting, and he says, "Why didn't you warn me that this is your female brain talking instead of your male? You have to prepare me." :lol:

 

I also tend to gravitate to male conversations at church and parties - I can only take so much talk about childbirth, cooking, natural remedies, and health/hormone issues.

[Jugglin'5]

Have any of you done the Myers Briggs test? Both my middle daughter and I are INTJ and we always think we are more like males. That is because we are seriously analytical thinkers and also rathr non-emotional. I am trying to break the news gently to my middle that even though she is like this and naturally gravitates towards boys for hanging out, that will have to be changing. I found that out in college where boys I thought could simply be my friends turned out to eventually want more than that.

 

I ususally come out ISTJ or INTJ, too. MY dh says he's surprised my head doesn't tilt to the left all the time, lol. I'm not blunt though - in real life I am very non-confrontational.

[mirth]

I can't stand emotional outbreaks and I prefer that when women get together, that we have fun and enjoy our time. I have no desire get emotional and "share".

 

I dread this as well. Further, I don't even own a single pair of capri pants.

[Lisa in Jax]

Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs personality survey? If not, try to find it online and see what it says. I'm betting that you're an ESTJ/ISTJ. That personality style is called "the administrator." ESTJ/ISTJs are "tell me the problem and I'll help you fix it!," "I know what should be done, and I can do it!" or "Let me organize that for you!" people.

 

I'm an ESTJ. We are usually *not* "the talk about it and do nothing type" and we tend to see the world in terms of what should be, and in terms of what should be DONE, lol. It sometimes annoys women (and men) who are more concerned about feelings than actions.

 

I have few *close* female friends b/c I am very blunt (though I try very hard to be KIND) and b/c I don't play the emotional games that some women do. In other words, I tend to say how I feel, and I expect others to do so. Don't make me GUESS how you feel! Just TELL me! ;-) If you want me to beg you to tell me how you feel, or you expect me to figure it out w/o any FACTS (LOL), I'm lost.

 

Lisa

[Erica in PA]

Please tell me I am not alone!!

 

I am a matter-of-fact, action-taking kind of person. I don't want to sit around with other ladies and gush about how wonderful they are so that they know I like them. I will do anything to help anyone, though. Really. I have spent days on end helping friends and even strangers. I jokingly say I have a "man personality," which sounds wierd as I am a very girly wife and not really manly in any other way. Honest! :D But I don't go for listening to emotions when they are misguided or I can help fix the situation. I tend to want to get to the point as quickly as possible, rather than wallowing in feelings. Some (few) people really appreciate this, but I am finding some women think I don't like them, which then causes problems.

 

I read the Love Languages book a while ago, and I am going to do it again. I do get that different people respond to different things.

 

I guess I am just asking if anyone is like this, and whether you decided to start giving people what they want or whether you just let them deal with how you are. I keep getting "backlash" from not giving people what they want, and I can't figure out whether to stand strong or to take this as a sign that I should change.

 

You're not alone!!! I am very much the same way. A lot of things that are viewed as "female" personality traits don't fit me at all, and in fact I find them sort of superficial. When I try to read books on being a godly wife and mother, I invariably come away from them very irritated. Things like talks over tea or flower arranging do *not* speak to my soul, thank you very much. Like you, I prefer to get to the point, and help solve problems rather than dwell in them. People who need lots of praise and affection all the time rather annoy me. ;)

 

I do try, where possible, to give people what they want, because I realize that my way of doing things isn't necessarily any better then their way. But I can't do that all the time, and I don't beat myself up for not being exactly what some people might think I should be.

[elegantlion]

I'm not a fixer, but I'm a blunt tell-it-like-it-is with a side of sarcasm type of gal. I'm highly emotional but keep a lot of that to myself. I too prefer the company of "the guys" to most groups of women. I'm not as my friends would say "a girlie girl".

 

In high school all but 2 of my friends were guys, a fact I had to reexplain to dh as I started getting befriended on facebook by some of them.

 

I tried to be graceful and delicate for a while, but it didn't work. I'm over 40 now and I'm just me, take it or leave it. I did learn some tact and how to listen and smile. However, I'm more likely to take my stress out on the punching bag in the garage than pick up the phone and call a girlfriend.

[ElizabethB]

Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs personality survey? If not, try to find it online and see what it says. I'm betting that you're an ESTJ/ISTJ. That personality style is called "the administrator." ESTJ/ISTJs are "tell me the problem and I'll help you fix it!," "I know what should be done, and I can do it!" or "Let me organize that for you!" people.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I'm an INTP, not many woman are INTPs. Most of my good friends are NF's, it's hard to find other female NTs.

 

Here's my thoughts on personality and learning, with a link to humanmetrics where you can take the MBTI test for free.

 

http://www.thephonicspage.org/Other/personalitytypea.html

[Matryoshka]

Don't make me GUESS how you feel! Just TELL me! ;-) If you want me to beg you to tell me how you feel, or you expect me to figure it out w/o any FACTS (LOL), I'm lost.

 

 

I'm not necessarily this way with feelings, but I sure am with stuff like gifts, or *things* people want. Don't make me guess! And I won't make you guess.

 

I don't give a rat's patootie if my dh gets me some great gift, or any gift at all, for birthday, anniversary, Christmas. If I want something, I'll tell him. If I don't, I'm fine with nothing. And I expect him to give me the same courtesy. If you don't tell me you want something, how do I know what you want? And I don't want to figure it out.

 

It even annoys me when other people try to guess or give me some random gift. Usually it's something I have no need for and I think "great, now what am I going to do with this?"

[Mrs Mungo]

:iagree:

 

I'm an INTP, not many woman are INTPs. Most of my good friends are NF's, it's hard to find other female NTs.

 

Here's my thoughts on personality and learning, with a link to humanmetrics where you can take the MBTI test for free.

 

http://www.thephonicspage.org/Other/personalitytypea.html

 

:iagree: I'm an ENTJ. I won't serve on committees with women anymore, it just ends badly. I do fine on committees made up of mostly men.

[HayesW]

Sounds like my kind of friend. We offer advice, help find solutions, and even though we are alway sthere when someone needs a shoulder to cry on, we also will take dinner, clean your house, watch your kids, and get you to the doctor if that's what you need!