DB in NJ Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I am desperately trying to understand something, and I'm finding it impossible. I'll explain further once I get some answers (don't want people commenting on the situation; I'm sincerely looking for whether or not you can envision any possible circumstance under which you would leave your dh and children and go off to start a new life). Anyone??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 No. There's not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I could probably leave dh if I had to, but not dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 In my own particular circumstances, absolutely not, never, noway, nohow. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I could probably leave dh if I had to, but not dd. :iagree::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I might leave them if I thought they were better off without me than with me. But I can't imagine a scenario where that would be true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bumbledeb Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I can't imagine anything realistic. If my life was in danger, or if my remaining put my children's lives in danger.... Can't think how that could ever come up, but under those circumstances, I might consider leaving. Leaving would have such a detrimental effect upon my children. I would have to be either very selfish or perhaps very depressed (ie, mistakenly believing that they would be better off without me) to leave them, no matter how essential I believed it would be to my own happiness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 She dropped off her boy with Dad and chased after some man on the other side of the country. That is usually how it works, isn't it? The only circumstances that come to mind are that of political persecution like juntas or WWII type stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lulubelle Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 There is absolutely no logical reason for it! Some form of depression that formed over years of unhappiness and lack of healthy communication and possibly getting married too young (and coming from a dysfunctional family and creating your own dysfunctional family). These are two reasons my mom was the first to leave for one year while I was young and then the same reasons my father left the following year and never came back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wagnfun Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I could probably leave dh if I had to, but not dd. :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 But I know a few men who have and a couple of women. I do think that DH is every bit the parent that I am, so if for some reason, we had to be in different states, the kids would probably be just as happy with him as with me - happier, perhaps. Out of my own selfishness, I would really really want them with me. And I think they want and deserve both of us. When DH was active duty, long tours were always a possibility (never a reality for us, thank God). I know it was just heart wrenching for them to leave for months at a time - sometimes over a year. I can't imagine doing that, even for a noble reason, and DH and I were *so* glad to get out of the military so that we wouldn't have to face that. And I should say that DH served 20 years and certainly WOULD have done that if called upon by his country. So I am reluctant to judge people who have to make this decision. It's not what I want for my family. I think DH is every bit as important to my children as I am. But while I say, "I can't imagine" I know that many people are living that temporary reality right now in service to their country. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 No. I can imagine some nightmare situations where I'd have to leave my children and dh to go die if it meant they'd live. I honestly can't imagine leaving my family to go start a new life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Macrina Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I might leave them if I thought they were better off without me than with me. But I can't imagine a scenario where that would be true. Yes to this I can't imagine anything realistic. If my life was in danger, or if my remaining put my children's lives in danger.... Can't think how that could ever come up, but under those circumstances, I might consider leaving. And that No. There's not. And that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 The only way I could even imagine leaving my children would be if staying would cause them serious harm (like serious mental illness.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Absolutely not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 No, I can't imagine it unless it was for some extreme situation. Many women from the Philippines go to work overseas, for example, because there are literally no jobs in their home country. It's the only way for them to feed their family and pay for their children's education. I can see doing it if the alternative is the whole family starving. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LizzyBee Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 No I can't imagine ever leaving my kids. Maybe if I became so mentally ill that I thought they'd be better off without me, but I don't anticipate that happening. I do have a good friend though who left her dd and dh because her dh was abusive and had threatened to kill her if she ever tried to take dd. She filed for custody and won. But the ongoing battles between the dh and my friend damaged their dd and her relationships with both parents. It was a sad situation with no good solution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I've certainly heard of cases where someone has given up their child (usually from a 3rd world country) to adoption so that the child could get health care, or a better life. But that isn't the mother doing the leaving exactly. And it is motivated by love and a certain kind of unselfishness that wants the best for the child. I've heard of cases where the mom has left - usually for a man - and all of those cases have been (from outside looking in) motivated by selfishness. I can't quite imagine a situation where domestic violence would necessitate leaving the child with the abuser and the wife going - I would think that in a worst case scenario the wife could leave if she were in immediate danger and the kids were hidden from her and then report the abuse to authorities so that the children would be safe. But I could see the possibility of that happening and then the court ruling in favor of the abuser if he/she were secretive enough. If I were the abuser I would think that if I were clear-headed enough to want to leave for their protection that I would be clear-headed enough to seek counseling or medication or supervision or some way to still be with my children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin M Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Never, ever, ever. When I watched about woman leaving their children during the floods in new orleans - I couldn't imagine walking away from my child. When I've watched tv shows showing dangerous scenarios and leaving child behind - I couldn't imagine doing it. My heart is ripped out of my chest, each time I see stories of people being separated from their children. I, personally, wouldn't be able to ever leave my child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Sure. If I felt I was harming my children by living in the same home with them, I'd leave. It would be the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I could do anything for their well-being, even break my own heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 When ds was born, I was deeply depressed and thought that everyone would be better off if I moved away. However, medication changed that. I can see women leaving if they had addiction or mental illness issues that they needed to deal with and could only deal with them away from the family. I know women who've left poor countries to earn money for the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drama_mama Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 without giving details yes I can imagine doing so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DB in NJ Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Well, it appears we're all on the same page. In October, my sister called to tell me she was getting a divorce. She said that they agreed they wanted to "divorce well." There was a house across the street for sale; bil would buy it so he'd be nearby, and everyone would be happy and well-adjusted and fine. Once she announced her divorce, her "relationship" with an online "friend" changed from friendship to, uh, more. Although they had never met irl, they *knew* this was meant to be. So even though she was still living with bil, hadn't even separated -- hadn't even begun sleeping in separate beds -- she changed the plans from bil moving in across the street to her and the kids moving to Canada. So much for "divorcing well." Great. Mr. Canada, who works with special needs kids, decides he's been there done that and doesn't want little kids. At the same time, my bil told her there's no way he'd agree to her taking the kids to Canada. Her and Mr. Canada break up, and she cancels a trip she had planned to meet him. Great. Suddenly, she has a change of heart and says the kids will spend a few months here, and a few months there. Mr. Canada says no way; bil says no way. She plans another visit to Canada. Leaving the day after Christmas. Great. For some reason, the 2nd trip gets cancelled. For some reason, they make up and agree to her visiting in January. Third time's a charm, I guess, because she went. Was supposed to be there for 10 days, lost her passport (yeah, right), and ended up staying for 2 weeks. Great. She came home and announced that she'd be moving to Canada without the kids. Says this is her last chance for happiness and for her to finally live the life she wants. Great. I now have 2 broken hearted, special needs kids (hers) not to mention my own 3 who are having a real hard time with this. She is refusing to speak to me, my mother, my dh, everyone. Great. She's leaving on Saturday, Valentine's Day. Great. Hope she's happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
runamuk Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I can't forsee a situation in which I would leave my husband and our children. I have a friend who did this just a few months ago. She decided she didn't want to be married to him anymore or deal with the stress of work and a family (they have two children), so she packed her bags and left. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 (edited) Some form of depression This was my thought when I read the OP, too. Like you, Lauren, because it runs in my family I feel I need to be vigilant for the signs of it. Depression in moms, like in anyone else, can take the form of an overactive self-critic. What if a mom's internal voice was telling her that she wasn't good enough, she was hurting them, she was awful, she should get out of their way so they could live their lives, "they're better off without me," etc. Ironically, a not depressed but selfish woman would say those things out loud to get attention, but a woman who is actually deeply depressed would remain silent, not wanting to burden anyone with it. Then, once she left, she'd have that peaceful happiness of the suicidal just before they kill themselves -- that sense that this disaster of a life was finally over, yay, thank goodness. And boy would that make her look bad. Mental illness is an ugly monster. Edited February 12, 2009 by dragons in the flower bed hasty grammar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Oh, and if I were in a traumatic situation (a natural disaster or war . . .) and I had one child who could not go on and if I stayed with him the rest of my family would perish - then, I suppose so. But in today's society and situations where we have options for getting help, then it is much different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 That's horrible, and I am sorry for you for the kids, for your kids, for your parents - everyone. Divorce just impacts so many people beyond the actual divorcing couple, and this is sort of the "sister divorce nightmare" I guess. ((((Donna)))) Just remember, your sister probably doesn't see this as "leaving" her kids. As unrealistic as it is, she's probably imagining that they will have a lot of time together during holidays, and that the kids will eventually come live with her. I know, it's crazy, but my guess is that she's engaged in a lot of wishful thinking, and that whatever is wrong with her, it's mostly due to blinders. ((((((Donna))))) I just have to give you another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anissarobert Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Donna-:grouphug: I can't comprehend what would make a mother act this way. My friend's sister did the same thing though. In my view, (which might be unpopular with some) it is never right to put your wants before your children's needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabeline Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I might leave them if I thought they were better off without me than with me. But I can't imagine a scenario where that would be true. I can't immagine ever leaving my dc or my dh but maybe if I was somehow a danger to them or something like that, but that would never happen. I just thought of something. Maybe if I contracted a highly spreadable, fatal disease, I might want to stay away from them so they didn't get it too. But otherwise no, I could never leave them, they are my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachGirl Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 In my own particular circumstances, absolutely not, never, noway, nohow. Janet :iagree: I would never be able to leave my daughter. Her father already doesn't care about her, she deserves to have a parent who puts her first. I will ALWAYS be there for her, no matter what! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
squirtymomma Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Donna, I'm so sorry. I honestly think that a habit of self-centeredness can turn into a mental disorder (not that everyone or even most people with a mental disorder got there that way), and people can get to the point where they believe their own lies. I hope she'll come to her senses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I'm sorry that she is making these decisions. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Well, it appears we're all on the same page. In October, my sister called to tell me she was getting a divorce. She said that they agreed they wanted to "divorce well." There was a house across the street for sale; bil would buy it so he'd be nearby, and everyone would be happy and well-adjusted and fine. Once she announced her divorce, her "relationship" with an online "friend" changed from friendship to, uh, more. Although they had never met irl, they *knew* this was meant to be. So even though she was still living with bil, hadn't even separated -- hadn't even begun sleeping in separate beds -- she changed the plans from bil moving in across the street to her and the kids moving to Canada. So much for "divorcing well." Great. Mr. Canada, who works with special needs kids, decides he's been there done that and doesn't want little kids. At the same time, my bil told her there's no way he'd agree to her taking the kids to Canada. Her and Mr. Canada break up, and she cancels a trip she had planned to meet him. Great. Suddenly, she has a change of heart and says the kids will spend a few months here, and a few months there. Mr. Canada says no way; bil says no way. She plans another visit to Canada. Leaving the day after Christmas. Great. For some reason, the 2nd trip gets cancelled. For some reason, they make up and agree to her visiting in January. Third time's a charm, I guess, because she went. Was supposed to be there for 10 days, lost her passport (yeah, right), and ended up staying for 2 weeks. Great. She came home and announced that she'd be moving to Canada without the kids. Says this is her last chance for happiness and for her to finally live the life she wants. Great. I now have 2 broken hearted, special needs kids (hers) not to mention my own 3 who are having a real hard time with this. She is refusing to speak to me, my mother, my dh, everyone. Great. She's leaving on Saturday, Valentine's Day. Great. Hope she's happy. Donna, So sorry for you and your family. My SIL and BIL have been through a really messy ugly divorce these past two years. The hardest part was seeing BIL's seeming change in personality and seeing him say very hurtful horrible things to his kids. I couldn't imagine that happening to either dh or I ever. I guess I can imagine divorce (not saying I ever would...but I can imagine it) but I can't imagine getting to the point where I would hurt my kids. I'm sure it's incredibly hard for you to see her do this. I know from our experience that divorce can hurt the whole extended family. I also know that we have been able to be somewhat of a healing presence to our nieces and nephew. It will never make up for their Dad but it's something. I'm sure your nieces/nephews are lucky to have you in their life. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Yes, if mental illness on my part was making life impossible for me being part of the family unit. This happened with my aunt, so I can see that sometimes a mom, isn't a good mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I am so very, very sorry. I will pray for your family, and especially for the kids. I will also pray that she sees the truth clearly and turns back and makes amends for this terrible wrong. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabeline Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Never, ever, ever. When I watched about woman leaving their children during the floods in new orleans - I couldn't imagine walking away from my child. When I've watched tv shows showing dangerous scenarios and leaving child behind - I couldn't imagine doing it. My heart is ripped out of my chest, each time I see stories of people being separated from their children. I, personally, wouldn't be able to ever leave my child. Yes, everytime I see that in a movie, I picture myself being dragged away kicking and screaming from my children. I could never just walk away from them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Donna, I am so sorry that is happening to your family. Your sister has decided to pursue a life of reckless selfishness (which, as others have mentioned, is a common reason moms leave their kids). At least she's leaving them with their dad and not doing something worse. Does anybody else remember what Susan Smith did for a new boyfriend? :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Death... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 (HUGS) I can't imagine me leaving my ds. My dad was basically abandoned twice. His parents divorced when he was 5 and he saw his dad, my grandfather, twice more during his lifetime. His mother then left him to be raised by his grandparents so she could "seek her way in the world." When his grandmother died, I was about 12, he cried like a baby. When his own mother died a year later he shed not a tear. My parents have been married 49 years and I know it took years before my dad believed she wasn't going to just up and leave him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat19 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 :grouphug: My aunt did this years ago. She left her husband and kids(a teen and 2 younger) and went to Las Vegas. She says she did it because her husband was different then what we seen. Well, she moved to Vegas and in with a man right away. Says that the man didn't make her leave her family. It was extremely hard for everyone. She left on my Grandmother's(her mom) birthday. It took her kids(now in late teens and 20')s a long time before they would even talk to her, they didn't want anything to do with her. The relationship is fine now. It's really hard and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 This was my thought when I read the OP, too. Like you, Lauren, because it runs in my family I feel I need to be vigilant for the signs of it. Depression in moms, like in anyone else, can take the form of an overactive self-critic. What if a mom was telling her she wasn't good enough, she was hurting them, she was awful, she should get out of their way so they could live their lives, they're better off without me, etc. Ironically, a not depressed but selfish woman would say those things out loud to get attention, but a woman who is actually deeply depressed would remain silent, not wanting to burden anyone with it. Then, once she left, she'd have that peaceful happiness of the suicidal just before they kill themselves -- that sense that this disaster of a life was finally over, yay, thank goodness. And boy would that make her look bad. Mental illness is an ugly monster. :iagree: Been there...around the summer of 2002. I was trying to decide whether I'd abandon the family or kill myself. I decided I couldn't live knowing I had abandoned myself so began making plans for suicide. The only thing I was waiting for was the right day to put my plans into action. Fortunately, I had a friend who talked to me on the phone daily, sometimes hours a day. It kept me alive until I finally found a support group which further kept me alive until I got medication. I'm okay now...not even on meds these days...but always vigilant in watching for it to reappear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 (edited) I remember you posting earlier this week as to the "reason." I thought it was just NUTS then, and I don't feel any differently now. I can't imagine leaving my children for ANY reason, ever - other than death. I know a mother (unfortunately the mother of one of my best guy-friends in highschool) who took who own life due to mental illness. She thought she was doing them all a FAVOR. She totally ruined their lives. :( Edited February 11, 2009 by Tree House Academy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 :iagree: Been there...around the summer of 2002. I was trying to decide whether I'd abandon the family or kill myself. I decided I couldn't live knowing I had abandoned myself so began making plans for suicide. The only thing I was waiting for was the right day to put my plans into action. Fortunately, I had a friend who talked to me on the phone daily, sometimes hours a day. It kept me alive until I finally found a support group which further kept me alive until I got medication. I'm okay now...not even on meds these days...but always vigilant in watching for it to reappear. (HUGS) :grouphug: I'm glad you are better. Thank you for sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 I am desperately trying to understand something, and I'm finding it impossible. I'll explain further once I get some answers (don't want people commenting on the situation; I'm sincerely looking for whether or not you can envision any possible circumstance under which you would leave your dh and children and go off to start a new life). Anyone??? If I thought there was something so wrong with me I could not mentally be good to my children. If I were a hopeless drunk, e.g. and they would be better off not seeing me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepy Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 I now have 2 broken hearted, special needs kids (hers) not to mention my own 3 who are having a real hard time with this. She is refusing to speak to me, my mother, my dh, everyone. Great. She's leaving on Saturday, Valentine's Day. Great. Hope she's happy. Oh Donna, that is horrible. :crying: Gosh... that's just more than any child should have to deal with. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetsouthern Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 nope never. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vettechmomof2 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 (edited) nope, never! I just read all of the other posts and I am so sorry for your whole family and what they are going through and will continue to go through. Hang in there. Edited February 12, 2009 by vettechmomof2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Our neighbor's wife of 24 years up and left her dh and two children to move in with a 22 year old male. Two years later she was back; her dh took her back. Her daughters haven't forgiven her, though. She might very well change her mind. Then what? Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Death is the only time I will leave my children. That won't be by choice, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Donna-:grouphug: I can't comprehend what would make a mother act this way. My friend's sister did the same thing though. In my view, (which might be unpopular with some) it is never right to put your wants before your children's needs. :iagree::iagree::iagree:And a child needs his mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.