Wedding contribution/gift from parents to child questions

[Kassia]

Ds3 is the first of our kids to get married and the wedding will be late spring/early summer.  No plans yet, other than they want a very simple small wedding.  His fiance is from another country and will be moving to the U.S. at that time on a fiance (K1) visa.  She has no money at all and there won't be any contribution from her family. 

I know this varies by family and financial situations but I have no idea what we *should* contribute to the wedding and give as a gift.  I feel like this is going to set a precedent for my other kids and I want to be fair.  DH is retiring at the end of the month and we have a ton of medical/dental expenses (probably around $6,000 this month), but we do have plenty saved.  

I'm wondering what others did for their kids' weddings and gifts.  And, for those of you with more than one child married, did you keep it pretty even between kids? 

 

[QueenCat]

Neither of ours are married yet. We have specific savings for both, although I very much doubt my younger will ever get married. When the eldest gets married, we'll use those funds. We expect to pay for the rehearsal dinner and will give him & his future spouse the rest to use as they wish. Rehearsal dinners are big in our family, so that means the wedding party, close family, and all out-of-town guests will be invited. This will likely be in a rented space with a catered meal & open bar. I'm hoping there will be a nice chunk left to give that they can use as a down payment on a home, if they wish.

The youngest will likely get all of it as a downpayment on a house unless I'm way wrong about his future. 

The exact amounts won't be the same unless these things happen close together. Both of their funds are in interest-bearing accounts that will continue to grow. They both had equal amounts put in them to start.

All of that said, you should not do anything that is not comfortable for YOUR budget or YOUR family. 

[Kassia]

6 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

Neither of ours are married yet. We have specific savings for both, although I very much doubt my younger will ever get married. When the eldest gets married, we'll use those funds. We expect to pay for the rehearsal dinner and will give him & his future spouse the rest to use as they wish. Rehearsal dinners are big in our family, so that means the wedding party, close family, and all out-of-town guests will be invited. This will likely be in a rented space with a catered meal & open bar. I'm hoping there will be a nice chunk left to give that they can use as a down payment on a home, if they wish.

The youngest will likely get all of it as a downpayment on a house unless I'm way wrong about his future. 

The exact amounts won't be the same unless these things happen close together. Both of their funds are in interest-bearing accounts that will continue to grow. They both had equal amounts put in them to start.

All of that said, you should not do anything that is not comfortable for YOUR budget or YOUR family. 

Thank you!  Interesting that you actually have specific savings for both.  Sounds like a significant amount of money.  I don't really know what is comfortable for our budget.  We were prepared for college, but never really gave weddings a thought until now.  

[Tina]

Our dd is marrying this spring.  We made the decision 8 years ago that we'd give them each $X000 toward their wedding. Wedding/shower gifts are a separate item, and I guess we look at their immediate needs, too.  So no, not all even outside of that amount.  I'll just pick something on their list that they need and will probably use for a long time as our gift.  Of course, the kids don't realize the differences outside of the set amount.  Dd is doing a much smaller wedding than ds did, but prices have risen tremendously, so the smaller wedding is probably a good idea right now.  Venues for a reception are $3000-$5000 right now!  Crazy!!

College- the deal was we paid the first two years.

 

Edited January 4 by Tina

[Anne]

Two of ours are married - the amounts they each received were similar although not identical. 

I second the importance of making sure whatever you give is comfortable for your budget!!

Another thought is that if you give dc#1 a small amount and later find that you are in a better financial situation when dc#2 comes along, you can always even things up at that point.

Anne

[Junie]

My two oldest are married.

We followed tradition -- we paid for our son's rehearsal dinner and paid for our daughter's wedding.  We gave her a budget and told her that anything above that she would be responsible to pay for.

We expect to potentially pay for four more weddings.

I am wondering if I will reconsider later and give ds and his wife the same amount of money, but it would have been inappropriate to pay for their wedding, as it would have likely been an offense to her family.

 

Edited January 5 by Junie

[Bambam]

One of our daughters is married. They decided to not have a wedding, which was a complete and total surprise because she has always dreamed of a wedding/wearing a fancy dress/what her bridesmaids would wear/etc. We gave a lump sum comfortable for us. 
The other daughter is not married, and I would be surprised if she gets married ever, but time will tell. At that point or sooner, we will have to figure out what to do. 

We did pay for 9 semesters of college for each. One got a BS, while the other got a BS + MS in that time.  Prices increased during that time, so one costs more than the other.  It's hard to figure out how to be fair, because technically one got more $$$ spent on her college education - but to a great extent that was because prices increased (rents went up 50% plus other general costs increased!)

[teachermom2834]

Gosh I just don’t know what we will do. We have just done our best to get everyone what they needed through college and launch and it was not equal. Not in what they needed or what we could do. Now my dd is in a private high school that costs more than what we paid for anyone’s college so we have not been even around here. We have figured we would make it up on the back end for the older kids we couldn’t help as much. If everything had to be even no one would have gotten what they needed. 
 

Now as we look at weddings it is going to be all over the place. I think oldest two will get married in the next couple years and it is two extremes. Oldest has a girlfriend that comes from extreme wealth (like her family might want a prenup) and second ds has a girlfriend whose parents will help with nothing. I am sure the rehearsal dinner for the oldest will be several magnitudes more expensive than the entire wedding for the second son. So we can’t pay for an adequate rehearsal dinner even if we want to for the oldest 😭and maybe could do the whole tiny wedding for the second.

So I don’t know but I do think we have to come up with a dollar amount and give it as a wedding gift to use for the wedding or for setting up house or however they see fit.  We gave second ds a car which we never did for oldest so I am comfortable with the number being higher for oldest (making it up on the back end).  
 

So sorry I am no help but I do think I will be facing this with two sons in a short time. 
 

It is embarrassing to not be able to do the traditional rehearsal dinner but I know I can’t do it to their expectations. 

[Tina]

1 hour ago, Junie said:

My two oldest are married.

We followed tradition -- we paid for our son's rehearsal dinner and paid for our daughter's wedding.  We gave her a budget and told her that anything above that she would be responsible to pay for.

We expect to potentially four more weddings.

I am wondering if I will reconsider later and give ds and his wife the same amount of money, but it would have been inappropriate to pay for their wedding, as it would have likely been an offense to her family.

 

That's a lot of weddings!  🙂

[Tina]

On 1/4/2024 at 4:28 PM, teachermom2834 said:

Gosh I just don’t know what we will do. We have just done our best to get everyone what they needed through college and launch and it was not equal. Not in what they needed or what we could do. Now my dd is in a private high school that costs more than what we paid for anyone’s college so we have not been even around here. We have figured we would make it up on the back end for the older kids we couldn’t help as much. If everything had to be even no one would have gotten what they needed. 
 

Now as we look at weddings it is going to be all over the place. I think oldest two will get married in the next couple years and it is two extremes. Oldest has a girlfriend that comes from extreme wealth (like her family might want a prenup) and second ds has a girlfriend whose parents will help with nothing. I am sure the rehearsal dinner for the oldest will be several magnitudes more expensive than the entire wedding for the second son. So we can’t pay for an adequate rehearsal dinner even if we want to for the oldest 😭and maybe could do the whole tiny wedding for the second.

So I don’t know but I do think we have to come up with a dollar amount and give it as a wedding gift to use for the wedding or for setting up house or however they see fit.  We gave second ds a car which we never did for oldest so I am comfortable with the number being higher for oldest (making it up on the back end).  
 

So sorry I am no help but I do think I will be facing this with two sons in a short time. 
 

It is embarrassing to not be able to do the traditional rehearsal dinner but I know I can’t do it to their expectations. 

We have used our garage to host all the graduation parties, so it was a natural for us to do the groom's dinner there, and do it with friends' help.  Sounds like that won't work for you.  We had set an amount so the kids knew what to expect.  Everyone makes it go as far as they can and then are on their own.  We want the kids taking some ownership and paying for some of it, too.    BTW, the groom's dinner was beside the wedding money and gift.  Those were separate items in my mind. 

Editted to add dh is willing to spend more on dd's wedding now.  We'll see.  

 

Edited January 9 by Tina

[PronghornD]

My husband is retired, and I am definitely not earning big bucks. We've let our child know that paying for weddings is not something we can do. Perhaps in the end we will give a little, but I don't personally see it as the parent's responsibility when people getting married are full-fledged, working adults. I think the tradition of parents paying is rooted in the times when people got married in their teens.

[Kassia]

29 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

 

Now as we look at weddings it is going to be all over the place. I think oldest two will get married in the next couple years and it is two extremes. Oldest has a girlfriend that comes from extreme wealth (like her family might want a prenup) and second ds has a girlfriend whose parents will help with nothing. I am sure the rehearsal dinner for the oldest will be several magnitudes more expensive than the entire wedding for the second son. So we can’t pay for an adequate rehearsal dinner even if we want to for the oldest 😭and maybe could do the whole tiny wedding for the second.

So I don’t know but I do think we have to come up with a dollar amount and give it as a wedding gift to use for the wedding or for setting up house or however they see fit.  

It is embarrassing to not be able to do the traditional rehearsal dinner but I know I can’t do it to their expectations. 

We have a similar issue with ds1's gf coming from extreme wealth and a HUGE family and ds3's fiance coming from nothing and she'll have no family.  I don't see how we'll pay for a rehearsal dinner when the time comes for ds1 and his gf to get married, but we'll have to figure that out when the time comes.  Please don't feel embarrassed for not being able to do the traditional rehearsal dinner!  Just like everyone advised me above, do what you're comfortable with and that will be enough.  ❤️  

I didn't think about the fact that college wasn't fair and even other things with the kids while they were growing up - even things like braces, medical expenses, sports...but it seems like weddings are different and I can't explain why.  

 

[Ellie]

2 hours ago, Kassia said:

Ds3 is the first of our kids to get married and the wedding will be late spring/early summer.  No plans yet, other than they want a very simple small wedding.  His fiance is from another country and will be moving to the U.S. at that time on a fiance (K1) visa.  She has no money at all and there won't be any contribution from her family. 

I know this varies by family and financial situations but I have no idea what we *should* contribute to the wedding and give as a gift.  I feel like this is going to set a precedent for my other kids and I want to be fair.  DH is retiring at the end of the month and we have a ton of medical/dental expenses (probably around $6,000 this month), but we do have plenty saved.  

I'm wondering what others did for their kids' weddings and gifts.  And, for those of you with more than one child married, did you keep it pretty even between kids? 

 

We never thought about there being a difference between "contributing" to the wedding itself and a gift. o_0 I have two daughters, both of whom were older when they were married, and the paid for most things on their own. We would have been willing to pay for everything, as long as it was a small scale--no $30,000 wedding here! For older dd, we paid for flowers, the venu (which was outside at a park, which had a nice amphitheater), and the reception afterwards at our house, which included a burrito bar and cake. For younger dd, whose future inlaws paid for most things [insert long story], we paid for the flowers and for her wedding photos.

I did buy gifts for their bridal showers (each dd had one shower).

[Sneezyone]

We haven't saved for wedding expenses and haven't contemplated it yet but I suspect we will give something between 10-15K EITHER toward a wedding or a home down payment.

[Kassia]

It's all so complicated!  I remember when my kids were in college and their friends/roommates were all over the place with what their parents contributed to college.  Some had to pay for everything while others had parents who covered all expenses.  We were comfortable with how we handled college expenses, but really confused on how to handle weddings.  

[teachermom2834]

19 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

We haven't saved for wedding expenses and haven't contemplated it yet but I suspect we will give something between 10-15K EITHER toward a wedding or a home down payment.

I think this is about where we will end up hopefully. This set amount and then I plan to be the most easy going and delightful MIL and not have any opinions or demands regarding the wedding and related festivities. 😊

[Ginevra]

One daughter married; two sons with no prospects to marry soon. We did contribute about half of the expenses for the wedding. It was a traditional-style wedding, though. We essentially paid for these items: Photography, Caterer, DJ, her gown, attire for myself, dh and both sons, who were in the wedding, and some other incidentals (gift/card box, bubbles for send-off, s’mores stuff at firepit, etc.) 

Dd did not have an expectation that we also give them a gift after this contribution to the wedding. I did, however, make an album for them (and a copy for me) as a gift. 
 

I don’t know exactly how this will play out when my sons get married. I don’t really have an illusion that the amount of money will be “the same”. There are too many variables. Maybe they marry people with a lot of family wealth and the bride’s family already expects to spend a lot. Maybe they already have a household and don’t need or want a down payment for a house or something like that. Maybe the two sons could marry into very different situations and it will not be possible to do the identical thing for each of them. 🤷🏻‍♀️ So I keep options open and will cross that bridge when I come to it. 
 

PS.: It was/is my hope that my kids will have traditional “party” weddings. I do not particularly want them to elope or do a backyard BBQ type wedding or get married alone in Aruba. I know some parents *want* their kids to pick these cheaper options, but I don’t share that view. I like for it to be a big party where the families of each come together, and the important people who have been part of the couples’ lives witness it. 

[cjzimmer1]

1 hour ago, PronghornD said:

My husband is retired, and I am definitely not earning big bucks. We've let our child know that paying for weddings is not something we can do. Perhaps in the end we will give a little, but I don't personally see it as the parent's responsibility when people getting married are full-fledged, working adults. I think the tradition of parents paying is rooted in the times when people got married in their teens.

This is how we are.  My kids have always known we aren't paying for the wedding. We can't even afford to pay for or contribute to college other than offering free room and board so something optional like a fancy wedding just isn't happening.  Ds got married last year.  Future in laws offered a certain budget and plans were made to stay within that budget.  It was significantly more than DS wanted to spend on a wedding but her family had a specific vision they wanted so he just went along with it since they were paying.  Some things changed for them and they were struggling to meet their commitment but by that point it was too late to change anything that would save them money.  They asked us to chip in.  While I felt bad saying no, at that point we weren't even sure if younger siblings would get to go to the wedding as we weren't sure we could scrape up enough to get them there (it was a significant distance away).  Things worked out in the end but yeah we definitely aren't following tradition in this family.  When I got married my DH and I were making more than my parents.  There was absolutely no reason to expect them to pay for it.  And with a large family and a small income, my funds are going to support the people living in the home not those moving out.

[Sneezyone]

29 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I think this is about where we will end up hopefully. This set amount and then I plan to be the most easy going and delightful MIL and not have any opinions or demands regarding the wedding and related festivities. 😊

We are covering undergrad and first cars so this feels AMPLY generous to us.

[Ginevra]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

Now as we look at weddings it is going to be all over the place. I think oldest two will get married in the next couple years and it is two extremes. Oldest has a girlfriend that comes from extreme wealth (like her family might want a prenup) and second ds has a girlfriend whose parents will help with nothing. I am sure the rehearsal dinner for the oldest will be several magnitudes more expensive than the entire wedding for the second son. So we can’t pay for an adequate rehearsal dinner even if we want to for the oldest 😭and maybe could do the whole tiny wedding for the second.

This is *exactly* why I think you can drive yourself man trying to be “equal”. It’s just not possible to be equal. 
 

Two of my kids went to private high school, but one went to public. So, does that mean I “owe” the public schooler $50,000? 😏😄There are other things too that can keep it from being equal, like, say, one of your kids runs cross country but another is an equestrian. Or one has ten thousand private lessons on a musical instrument but the other is happy playing with lego. 
 

I think you just need to keep it from *seeming* like you’ll do anything for one child but you give the scraps to another child. All the kids hopefully get the message that you’ll move heaven and earth to do what you can for them but you’re not going to sink into debt trying to be equal. 

[Sneezyone]

10 minutes ago, Ginevra said:

This is *exactly* why I think you can drive yourself man trying to be “equal”. It’s just not possible to be equal. 
 

Two of my kids went to private high school, but one went to public. So, does that mean I “owe” the public schooler $50,000? 😏😄There are other things too that can keep it from being equal, like, say, one of your kids runs cross country but another is an equestrian. Or one has ten thousand private lessons on a musical instrument but the other is happy playing with lego. 
 

I think you just need to keep it from *seeming* like you’ll do anything for one child but you give the scraps to another child. All the kids hopefully get the message that you’ll move heaven and earth to do what you can for them but you’re not going to sink into debt trying to be equal. 

I never wanted my kids to feel like choosing to scrimp with their undergrad choice or choosing to work their butts off for scholarships, was merely something that freed up money for the sib who made different choices. We definitely equalized the offerings. DD got DH's GI Bill but we saved a roughly equal amount in a 529 for DS. We offered the same deal with their first cars and will do the same for their weddings/homes. This has turned out to be even more important b/c oldest is in a same-sex relationship. It's really a lot less about the actual dollar amount than the principle. We will give you each what we can and how you choose to use it/allocate it is up to you.

Edited January 5 by Sneezyone

[teachermom2834]

Just now, Ginevra said:

This is *exactly* why I think you can drive yourself man trying to be “equal”. It’s just not possible to be equal. 
 

Two of my kids went to private high school, but one went to public. So, does that mean I “owe” the public schooler $50,000? 😏😄There are other things too that can keep it from being equal, like, say, one of your kids runs cross country but another is an equestrian. Or one has ten thousand private lessons on a musical instrument but the other is happy playing with lego. 
 

I think you just need to keep it from *seeming* like you’ll do anything for one child but you give the scraps to another child. All the kids hopefully get the message that you’ll move heaven and earth to do what you can for them but you’re not going to sink into debt trying to be equal. 

Agreed.  Things just haven't been equal but everyone has had what they needed to the best of our (limited!) ability. Oldest played travel ball. Second is the only one we gave a car to. Different needs came at different times and there are ten years between oldest and youngest.  We can afford private school for my youngest. Should she not get it just because we couldn't have done it earlier or x 4 kids? 

We would have moved heaven and earth to get all our kids to adulthood with what they needed and I can't write checks to even it up. I've always been amazed at people that said each kid gets exactly a set amount of money for college or cars or wedding or whatever. There are just too many variables for that to work for me at all.

My youngest, my dd, is definitely reaping financial benefits of her birth position. But her parents are tired and she misses having siblings at home and she doesn't remember grandparents that have passed away. So there is only so much of making everything equal all the time. 

(and I absolutely may spend more on the expensive wedding because it feels necessary due to the setting...I'm not above my own feelings and social pressure and setting influencing me)

[Sneezyone]

36 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

Agreed.  Things just haven't been equal but everyone has had what they needed to the best of our (limited!) ability. Oldest played travel ball. Second is the only one we gave a car to. Different needs came at different times and there are ten years between oldest and youngest.  We can afford private school for my youngest. Should she not get it just because we couldn't have done it earlier or x 4 kids? 

We would have moved heaven and earth to get all our kids to adulthood with what they needed and I can't write checks to even it up. I've always been amazed at people that said each kid gets exactly a set amount of money for college or cars or wedding or whatever. There are just too many variables for that to work for me at all.

My youngest, my dd, is definitely reaping financial benefits of her birth position. But her parents are tired and she misses having siblings at home and she doesn't remember grandparents that have passed away. So there is only so much of making everything equal all the time. 

(and I absolutely may spend more on the expensive wedding because it feels necessary due to the setting...I'm not above my own feelings and social pressure and setting influencing me)

Mine are only 3 years apart and that does make a difference. We planned, from the beginning, with this in mind. We didn't have the benefit of accidental children. Both were very much planned, intentional and expensive.

ETA: My story is complicated, and that colors my view, but I lived with this dynamic of the younger sib in private schools, handed brand new cars, and on...and on...and on. I am STILL supporting that sib today. I would, as a parent, have been sending reparations gifts (my mental concept) to help my older kids advance their lives, goals and families vs. spend so disproportionately on a singular younger child. Money won't make up for time spent with relatives and can set unreasonably high expectations for what 'launch-life' looks like, meanwhile young adult kids may struggle and never say a word because they're conditioned not to.

Edited January 5 by Sneezyone

[SHP]

Each child is different. A child who wants a large wedding and needs help paying for it will not get as large of a cash gift.

[Harriet Vane]

We gave both kids an equal amount of money and called it "launching money." They were welcome to use it on any aspect of wedding or setting up for real life.

Other than that, we also covered lodging and food for our family (the four of us) at wedding time. (Both weddings were out of state for us.)

[katilac]

We always told our kids that our wedding gift was a good education, but it's worked out to where we will be able to gift them some money as well - not enough for an entire wedding, but some money for whatever they wish to use it for. 

Wedding and/or launching money will definitely be equal. 

[TechWife]

I haven’t given any thought to this, TBH. My dh and I paid for our wedding. Neither set of parents was in a position to contribute & it didn’t occur to us to expect them to do so. I guess that’s why I haven’t thought of it. 

[Ginevra]

1 hour ago, Sneezyone said:

I never wanted my kids to feel like choosing to scrimp with their undergrad choice or choosing to work their butts off for scholarships, was merely something that freed up money for the sib who made different choices. We definitely equalized the offerings. DD got DH's GI Bill but we saved a roughly equal amount in a 529 for DS. We offered the same deal with their first cars and will do the same for their weddings/homes. This has turned out to be even more important b/c oldest is in a same-sex relationship. It's really a lot less about the actual dollar amount than the principle. We will give you each what we can and how you choose to use it/allocate it is up to you.

We didn’t have that dynamic in our family. We had a different financial situation for one than for the other two, so there were some realities that simply *were*. It’s true for cars, too. One of my sons was in an accident and totaled the car he drove. The total insurance settlement was insufficient to replace the car lost, though. (I know this is typical.) So we have put up money for the difference, which is a loan, not a gift. But still…is he getting more than the other two kids who didn’t wreck a car? This car also costs more than any car we provided for the other two. One kid drove a 20-year old car because that’s what we had to spare. Granted, nobody’s being given a Corvette, but for cars we just do the best we can to get them into something until they are established enough to obtain their own car totally on their own. 

[Sneezyone]

Just now, TechWife said:

I haven’t given any thought to this, TBH. My dh and I paid for our wedding. Neither set of parents was in a position to contribute & it didn’t occur to us to expect them to do so. I guess that’s why I haven’t thought of it. 

Mostly, same, we eloped vs. taking a dime from anyone else. We didn't have their support, financial or otherwise.

Just now, Ginevra said:

We didn’t have that dynamic in our family. We had a different financial situation for one than for the other two, so there were some realities that simply *were*. It’s true for cars, too. One of my sons was in an accident and totaled the car he drove. The total insurance settlement was insufficient to replace the car lost, though. (I know this is typical.) So we have put up money for the difference, which is a loan, not a gift. But still…is he getting more than the other two kids who didn’t wreck a car? This car also costs more than any car we provided for the other two. One kid drove a 20-year old car because that’s what we had to spare. Granted, nobody’s being given a Corvette, but for cars we just do the best we can to get them into something until they are established enough to obtain their own car totally on their own. 

Understand. That disparity feels a lot smaller than what I experienced.

[Tap]

Xh and I paid about $5000 towards my daughter's wedding in 2019. I paid for all the dresses/tuxes, rentals etc.  She planned a small wedding (40) at her husband's grandparent's beautiful home. The aunt is a high end florist, My xh had access to free linens. Son officiated. Friend did music. I did most of the appetizers/drinks myself (ordered BBQ delivered for main meal) Husband's mom did photography. All of the above items were donated 100% by the person involved. My friend gave a big discount on cake.  I figure it would have been between around $10-$12,000 without all of the freebees. It was beautiful!!! 

 

For ds (not engaged but will within the year)....I plan to give him half of that amount and I will suggest xh give him the same (so it will total $5000). I will just give him the $$ upfront and say to apply it at will to the wedding, reception, rehearsal, honeymoon etc.  One amount and it is done. Spend it where they want, but that is the amount I will contribute. I am paying for my piano to be repaired as a gift to him and his to be bride. DS is a pastor so he will have many people in attendance. She is one of 11 kids, grew up in a different church and has a huge family. The wedding really can't be small unless they elope! I figure giving them the money upfront will eliminate all of the questions and hard conversations about budget and what we are willing to pay for.  She plays piano for weddings, so she already has specific ideas about what she wants. I figure it will be easier for her and her family to just plan it all and not have other opinions involved! 

Edited January 5 by Tap

[dsmith]

When my brother-in-law married last year, it was understood that nothing would come from my mother-in-law, and they didn't expect anything. It was a second marriage for him, so they had put in $$ for his first marriage. Now mil is retired and a widow, so financial circumstances didn't allow for anything beyond a $500 wedding gift. This was the bride's first wedding and she comes from some money, so her parents were more than happy to cover everything, including the rehearsal dinner, and were adamant that she not contribute anything after losing her husband to Covid. They had quite a large wedding at an expensive country club, with the best cocktail hour I've ever experienced! 

I think it's important to figure out what you can and can't do for each of your kids, and be upfront about it with them. So many couples are opting for much more reasonable weddings nowadays, and many are expecting to have to save and contribute a good portion. 

[Arcadia]

17 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

I've always been amazed at people that said each kid gets exactly a set amount of money for college or cars or wedding or whatever.

My husband’s side and my side goes by set amounts. How it works is that for college, the “amount” was for a bachelors degree at the local state university commuting from home. So if it cost $3k per semester when my much older cousin went to college and $6k per semester when I went to college, our parents would just pay.

The only relative that bought cars for his kids is my husband’s uncle. He set the budget to an entry level sedan e.g Corolla, Civic and his kids can top up if they want to buy a Lexus, BMW sedan, etc. 
 

For weddings, a set amount was given. It is just easier because some of my aunts have six children which means six sets of in-laws to negotiate wedding dinners with (if all get married). Having a fixed sum like $20k per kid means that the in-laws are not going to be haggling over having a more expensive wedding.  In my culture, wedding dinner planning can be an extremely emotionally charged event if either parents want to brag. We had that issue with my in-laws which is one of the reasons MIL wasn’t happy that we didn’t host an expensive sit down wedding dinner. FIL was neutral and his relatives were happily complimenting on our simple catered  lunch. 

[Faith-manor]

Since there is a six year gap between Dd and next oldest, we have said we are willing to pay the cost of an outdoor or modestly priced venue for 75 people, no more, simple meal, desserts, non alcoholic beverages, the photographers fees but not the enlargements and the photographer chosen cannot be charging more than the median/average for the local area, boutonniere, and candles and table runners for the tables or mom made decorations - I am very good at this by the way. We would also be willing to pay a reasonable fee for the officiant. Our other three are sons, so we didn't offer to pay for wedding gowns or bridal bouquet. Mark and I pulled off dd's wedding, same size, as a mostly do it yourself with a caterer, and expect the same from our sons unless their fiance comes from a family who wants to pay a money for a more lavish wedding. We didn't set a specific price tag because with inflation, they would not be able to have what DD had for the amount we spent ten years ago.

Last year, eldest ds settled down with our darling dil. They wanted almost nothing just because they are not people who value the pomp and circumstance of it all. Ds didn't even attend his college graduation because it was "too much". So it was " friend ordained online" in the backyard with whomever felt like showing up, and then about 30 people to a local restaurant. I took table runners and candle jars tied with tartan plaid, and placed them on the tables, and we took a couple of lighted, potted trees that I rented from a florist, stuck them in a corner, hung white gossamer (leftover from a different event I decorated) which we back lit with icicle lights, and a few other things on an end table to create a little focal point. Everyone took pictures with their own cameras and phones, and sent them the pics by email. It was extremely laid back. Since we didn't get in the ballpark of what we spent on dd, we gave them the balance as a cash gift.

Our two bachelors are probably eternal bachelors. They have other plans for life than settling down in romantic relationships. That might change, but I seriously doubt it. They will eventually get cash gifts as well. One thought they had was that if Mark and I buy a piece of property up north for camping, fishing, outdoor recreation, they would take the cash gifts to help them build a nice cabin/tiny house on the property. They love to fish, hike, and kayak. I could easily see them choosing that option.

 

[Arcadia]

Traditional patriarchal Chinese culture is that the groom’s family pays for the wedding dinner (though lunch is becoming acceptable). So if my kids marry a Chinese, we are supposed to pay the bulk of the wedding expenses with the bridal couple paying the rest. The bridal couple gets cash gifts though from family and friends which partially offsets the cost of the wedding dinner. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

We didn't set a specific price tag because with inflation, they would not be able to have what DD had for the amount we spent ten years ago.

Last year, eldest ds settled down with our darling dil. They wanted almost nothing just because they are not people who value the pomp and circumstance of it all. Ds didn't even attend his college graduation because it was "too much". So it was " friend ordained online" in the backyard with whomever felt like showing up, and then about 30 people to a local restaurant. 

 

 

Thank you!  DH mentioned inflation as an issue with a set amount per child.

Ds3 (and dd) didn't attend their college graduations either.  And ds3 seems to indicate for now that they plan on something very similar to your ds' wedding,  but they think dd might become ordained online to perform the ceremony.  He mentioned having the ceremony at home, but I didn't think that was a good idea (our yard gets very wet and muddy) and I thought we should have a real photographer (I'm pretty sure ds wouldn't want that).  Maybe I should reconsider on both.  

[Arcadia]

8 minutes ago, Kassia said:

He mentioned having the ceremony at home, but I didn't think that was a good idea (our yard gets very wet and muddy) and I thought we should have a real photographer (I'm pretty sure ds wouldn't want that).  Maybe I should reconsider on both.  

Our wedding photos were taken free by my brother and my friends (some of them are freelance photographers). We took photos before the wedding and on the day itself.

As for your yard being potentially wet and muddy, I think it depends on their guest list. Our wedding lunch was very informal so our guests could come in jeans, T-shirts and sneakers if they wished. I think one of my husband’s cousin did turn up in flip flops 🙂 

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Our wedding photos were taken free by my brother and my friends (some of them are freelance photographers). We took photos before the wedding and on the day itself.

As for your yard being potentially wet and muddy, I think it depends on their guest list. Our wedding lunch was very informal so our guests could come in jeans, T-shirts and sneakers if they wished. I think one of my husband’s cousin did turn up in flip flops 🙂 

Thank you!  As of now, it will only be immediate family (siblings and their SOs).  If we do it at home, we would have to invite MIL and maybe some other in-laws, but I really really want to avoid that since that will ruin the day for me.  Ds3 lives three hours away so I'm hoping we can just have it there but it's so much easier for all the siblings to travel here since they can stay at home instead of needing lodging.  Interesting about the casual dress.  I didn't consider that.  I guess it's up to the wedding couple.  

[Faith-manor]

6 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Thank you!  DH mentioned inflation as an issue with a set amount per child.

Ds3 (and dd) didn't attend their college graduations either.  And ds3 seems to indicate for now that they plan on something very similar to your ds' wedding,  but they think dd might become ordained online to perform the ceremony.  He mentioned having the ceremony at home, but I didn't think that was a good idea (our yard gets very wet and muddy) and I thought we should have a real photographer (I'm pretty sure ds wouldn't want that).  Maybe I should reconsider on both.  

Kassia, I don't know where you are at, but maybe check state parks. From May-early October, outdoor weddings are super easy in Michigan if one is just willing to rent a picnic pavilion at one of the state parks. Even city parks sometimes have gorgeous views and nice places to take pictures. Michigan state parks are not cost prohibitive to rent a standard picnic pavilion in the day use area. We held a family event at one right on Lake Huron. Gorgeous view. Modern bathhouse for everyone to use, picnic tables and grills. I think we paid $200. For a wedding, one could easily walk out on the beach and just get married, and it would be very pretty. 

I just decorated a wedding on Belle Isle. They got the Woodside shelter across the road from the modern bathrooms. Picnic tables to seat easily 100, though they had only 65. The key was just ordering restaurant food and having someone go get it, and then renting the chafing dishes for serving. They wanted something pretty amazing looking, but I still pulled it off on quite a low budget. The bride, myself, and bridal party collected bud vases and beautiful jars from thrift stores. I paid $30 to a local lumber man to cut 30 - 2.5" thick wood slabs, and we put those in there centers of the tables with vases that had baby's breath (cheap, and you get A LOT) in a single bunch) and a peach rose in each vase, and then three slabs and a collection of very nice glassware on each with peach roses and baby's breath. I then lined the tables with seeded eucalyptus which I also bought in bulk. I have a couple 5 gallon buckets of it. The decorating was a gift to the brides, one of whom is an honorary daughter of ours. She paid for tablecloths and runners, but I have no idea what she paid for those. We gifted LUSH bridal bouquets that I hired done to take that off my plate, and I still only had $500 in all of that. If it had been done in summer, I could have used zinnias from my own yard.

[Kassia]

@Faith-manorwow, you do a beautiful job.  

We have an amazing park system here but everything gets booked on January 1st when they open up for reservations and we don't have a wedding date set yet.  Maybe only weekends are booked and we can get a weekday.  I'll have to wait and see.  I'm in NE Ohio, not far from Lake Erie so I guess the beach would be an option - I hadn't thought of that.  But I hate worrying about weather and ours is frequently lousy (which is the reason for our muddy wet yard).

[Faith-manor]

16 hours ago, Kassia said:

@Faith-manorwow, you do a beautiful job.  

We have an amazing park system here but everything gets booked on January 1st when they open up for reservations and we don't have a wedding date set yet.  Maybe only weekends are booked and we can get a weekday.  I'll have to wait and see.  I'm in NE Ohio, not far from Lake Erie so I guess the beach would be an option - I hadn't thought of that.  But I hate worrying about weather and ours is frequently lousy (which is the reason for our muddy wet yard).

Yes, I worry about that too. I wondered if this couple would end up rained out because that is a huge possibility for kids September here, but they got lucky and it was a beautiful day.

Venues are just so expensive now. I think the lowest price, indoor option I have seen is a restaurant in our county that does a decent buffet, and you can rent their conference room (which is small, so maybe 50 people) if you pre-pay for 50 people which would be about $1000. But that includes beverages, and a couple staffers to bus tables and refill drinks. It isn't pretty inside, but it isn't ugly. I would call it a rather neutral space. So one could plunk table runners and floating candles in jars on the tables to make it look a little special.

Edited January 6 by Faith-manor
Typos

[Arcadia]

23 minutes ago, Kassia said:

DH mentioned inflation as an issue with a set amount per child.

Inflation is a very tricky issue. My brother is 9 years younger. However, both of us married after my dad has retired. So what my parents contributed were from their savings. They basically cash out a certificate of deposit each for their contribution to our wedding expenses. My husband’s basic pay has been the same since 2013 when he started in his current job. The bonus/flexible portion is actually lower than last year. If our kids marry as late as we did, my husband would be retired. We would also be cashing out CDs for our wedding contribution. My dad has a decent pension and a great health plan as part of his pension benefits. My husband doesn’t so we would be penny pinching a lot more than my parents had to. 
My husband is the youngest. FIL’s pay was the same for all three children’s weddings (1996, 2000, 2003). My in-laws gave the same amount for all three children. 
A close friend married in her late 30s and her dad has already passed away. Her older brother by two years married in his mid 20s. So parental contribution was much less for her just because of circumstances.

[kathyl]

nm

Edited May 30 by kathyl

[J-rap]

Three of our kids are married now.  We never thought too hard about it, and our kids generally like things nice but simple.   Our ds had been living on his own and working a good job for quite some time, and he and his wife paid for most of it themselves.  (I think her family contributed some.)  It was fairly small -- around 75 people, mostly family with just a few close friends.  Venue was very cool but also very affordable.  Ds and his wife are both from big families so lots of siblings to help with everything.  We gave them a cash gift.

Our dd was married in another country (required for visa reasons) and had a small, simple but classy wedding, which cost under $2,000 because everything was so much cheaper there.   Of course we did have to pay for plane tickets to get there. 🙂  We contributed toward their honeymoon because they were pretty young and broke.

Another dd was married in another country too -- where she's living and going to school -- during the pandemic.  We couldn't fly there, and since it was during the pandemic they could only have 10 people at their ceremony.  That was fine with her -- she never wanted a big ceremony at all.  When they were finally able to travel, we held a small outdoor reception for them here at a park pavilion.  We decorated it ourselves and picked up food in bulk (as opposed to per plate) from a local restaurant that caters.  It was all very pretty in a beautiful setting.  Probably that whole thing cost around $1500.   We also gave them a cash gift.

There's no right or wrong way of doing this!  This is just what worked for us.

 

 

[BusyMom5]

🤯 I don't even want to think about this question!  My oldest has asked me a few times what the wedding budget is.  I have no idea.  5K? 10?  25? (Okay, that last one is way too high)  I do know the year it will probably be, we will have 3 kids in college.  I'm afraid to give her a number- I told her I'd rather hear what they want when that time comes, and we will go from there.  

We are planning to pay for 4 years of college for all of them, and hopefully a car at some point (oldest has hers). But with college, also no way for it to be even either.   I think sometimes kids just have to be uneven!  

[Kassia]

Thanks so much to everyone for sharing!  I love reading all the responses!  

[Frances]

T

Edited January 6 by Frances

[iamonlyone]

I'm guessing we'll give about $10,000 each. That's what youngest dd's wedding last May cost. I don't know if our older two will get married or not. We're in the camp that we haven't given exact equal amounts, but have helped each child where we could through the years. (Paid for most of four years of college for youngest, college courses and ballet expenses for oldest who is a professional dancer, and trade school and help with cars for middle.)

We also did give our youngest a wedding gift. My mom gave me a nice stand mixer when I was a young adult, and I continued the tradition of gifting the couple a nice KitchenAid mixer and wrapped the box in a cloth shower curtain from their wish list. (These two were needing all of the traditional starting-out household items.)

Edited to add: Since our youngest was the first to marry, I was working more hours than when the kids were at home. We are able to live on my husband's salary, so I have been able to apply my earnings to help our adult kids. We would have done things differently (contributed less to many areas) if we didn't have my extra income stream.

Edited January 6 by iamonlyone

[Rosla]

Our children won't get married soon, so we have time, but we want to put money aside for college first and only then think about their weddings. If we can afford it, we will contribute money.

My niece had a small wedding last summer. My sister and her husband couldn't help much financially. They contacted fabulove jewelry customer service and bought engraved bracelets as gifts for the bride and groom and also helped to organize the event in their backyard. You know, I liked that wedding even more than those big events I attended several times. Everything was simple but nice, and the atmosphere was warm. 

Edited January 17 by Rosla

[Condessa]

This is very interesting to me.  My kids are not near this stage yet, but we are expecting and there is going to be a fifteen year difference in ages between our oldest and youngest children, which makes things more complicated in trying to be fair across siblings.  I don’t feel that the dollar amounts given to each child always need to be exactly the same, but I don’t want one child to lack opportunities that another has been given by us, or one child to get greater support from us because they chose more expensive options.  My current plan is to offer the amount of college tuition at my and dh’s alma mater to each kid for their higher education at the time they need it (towards whatever school or other education/career advancement path they choose), so that the dollar amounts won’t be the same between my oldest and youngest kids, but it will hopefully be equitable contributions and not vary based on kids’ school choices.  

I’m not sure how to apply a similar adjustment to weddings.  We currently have accounts that we are trying to save up $X per kid in, part to be able to offer towards helping them afford to serve a religious mission if they so choose and part to them at marriage, either for wedding expenses or to help them starting out.  I like the idea of these totaling up the same, as boys’ missions in our church cost more as they are longer and girls’ family wedding contributions are traditionally more.  But weddings will likely cost more to put on fifteen years later, so that an equal contribution will effectively be less help.  And do you choose an age at which to just gift that wedding money anyway, rather than have a child who doesn’t marry never be offered that help?  I don’t feel the same way about giving the mission money if they choose not to serve, or giving the college money if they don’t choose further education of some kind.  I want to make those worthwhile opportunities in life more easily attainable for my kids should they choose to pursue them, just as I will facilitate each kid participating in one fine art and one athletic extracurricular if they so choose, but I feel no need to give the kid who chooses to only do one or neither of those growing up a check to even up money spent.  Marriage is different, though, as options and opportunities are going to be so different for different people.

[Tina]

On 1/4/2024 at 6:12 PM, Ginevra said:

PS.: It was/is my hope that my kids will have traditional “party” weddings. I do not particularly want them to elope or do a backyard BBQ type wedding or get married alone in Aruba. I know some parents *want* their kids to pick these cheaper options, but I don’t share that view. I like for it to be a big party where the families of each come together, and the important people who have been part of the couples’ lives witness it. 

Yes-- this.  And we have a good sized family that likes to get together for special occasions regularly.  So far-- interestingly, our two have chosen someone with a smaller family.  We have lost a number of family members in the last couple years, and with dd moving her wedding up to April, there will be a few more who won't make it then.  😞   But- it makes sense for the couple as he'll be deployed.