Did your relationship with your young adult improve when they moved out?

[Hyacinth]

DS is almost 21, itching to launch into adulthood. He’s polite to us, but there’s no…I don’t know…warmth? Interest in us? Desire to be anywhere near us 😁?

He has a plan for a decent job and an apartment within the next 3-4 months. 
It’s a fine plan—I’m not worried about him or his future.

I do wonder, though, if that warm, affectionate, easygoing son of ours will return at some point. I mostly take this day by day and give him lots of space and grace. But I’m sad. I miss him.

If any of you can relate and have a happy ending story to share, I’d love to read it. 

[marbel]

Mine did.  I had noticed that my daughter was increasingly annoyed with home life and was just ready to fly. There weren't any big fights or anything but, yeah, I'd say there was disinterest and a desire to be away. She moved into a house 10 minutes away with 3 friends from college, loves it, and things are much better all around. When she visits, she enjoys her brother instead of being annoyed by him. She and I have always gotten along but our time together now is much sweeter. It's good! 

[Annie Elle]

For me, my relationship with my parents did greatly improve after I moved out. After our oldest son moved out, it was easier to treat him like an adult. I no longer had to remind him to do his parts of the chores and to clean up after himself. He moved across the state and when he comes now, it’s a special time. He’s getting married at our house this weekend. I love his fiancé and she’s perfect for him. I truly enjoy the relationship we have with them. 

[Bambam]

The first one was a little rocky at first, obviously anxious to leave home, went to college and at first was very adversarial, and then something changed, and she was a sweet girl again. Our relationship has gotten better, we aren't super close, but we ask advice from each other and listen and give serious consideration to any input the other offers. 

The last one is another story, I'm perplexed and just in holding mode waiting to see what is next. 

 

[cjzimmer1]

I've had to fly the next.  First one we never had any issues with when he lived at home and always had a close relationship and talked daily when he lived here.  He moved out when he got married.  We don't see or talk to him very often at all anymore even though he only lives a few minutes away.  It's the nature of things and while I totally understand it, it would be nice to see and talk to him a bit more often.

Second one we had a difficult time with but much of it related to his schedule.  He worked nights and slept during the day.  But he's a very light sleeper and the fact that we were home all day doing school and life meant we were regularly disturbing his sleep.  He was tired and cranky but we were doing our very best to be quiet but with a young boy in the house that was difficult.  He moved out and it's been wonderful for all involved.  He comes home to do things with his younger siblings 2-3 times a week and we always visit when he stops by.

So it probably depends on the nature of why they are moving out but in your case I think you have strong reason to hope it will improve.  

[Heartstrings]

None of my kids have moved out yet, but I can say that my relationship with my Dad did improve significantly when I moved out as a young adult.  We just cannot live together.  I can overlook things at a distance that are harder to ignore when you live with someone.  

 

I have a really good relationship with my adult son that I hope we'll maintain once he moves out.  He's so much fun at this point. 

[Laura Corin]

Yes, it did.  They matured and sorted out some of their own issues.  They also came to appreciate us more, I think, once they were not stuck in the teenage-irritation stage.

[Matryoshka]

Yes, it did.  And one has even moved back in now and we're still doing well - I think they just needed that time to spread their wings and establish themselves as an adult in their own right.

I used to say that I thought only one kid would ever even be welcome to move back in - she was even-tempered and created no drama.  She's the only one who hasn't.  But the other two have really matured and we have a great relationship (they both had big emotions/drama, which was often aimed our way - especially mine - and couldn't wait to get away from us).  Those early young adult years are hard!!!

[Carrie12345]

One of mine was becoming a serious pain in the tush at home. Grumbly, snotty, unhelpful. We actually told her she had to leave (after giving a serious final warning.)

She is a peach now. Seriously! Visits, calls, exchanging TikTok’s. It’s lovely.

[lmrich]

For  our son - YES! 

For our middle child - a daughter - no  - but   only because she was super easy to live with and we  got to chat a lot  more; now  it is harder to find time to just casually be together 

 

[chiguirre]

3 hours ago, Hyacinth said:

I do wonder, though, if that warm, affectionate, easygoing son of ours will return at some point. I mostly take this day by day and give him lots of space and grace. But I’m sad. I miss him.

I wouldn't expect your son to "return" because he'll change as he becomes an independent adult. My relationship with my dd has changed and gotten much better now that she knows she can adult successfully. It's stressful to be on the verge of adulthood, there's a lot to worry about and a lot of pressure from societal and parental expectations. Once you've established yourself as a productive adult that can support themselves, it's easier to remember why you like your parents.

[SKL]

In my general observations and personal experience (me with my mom), yes.

One exception is a family member who moved in with a boyfriend whose family has very different views from her FOO.  I don't know what all has gone on behind the scenes, but the young woman has been estranged from her FOO for years now.  The estrangement happened years after she moved out though.

[catz]

I have a son that just graduated college this spring.  He likes visiting home.  But he had to move home for a couple months after graduation while job searching and you could tell he just wasn't super fond of being there.  Though he has always been polite.   I do think a job search at that age can feel all encompassing and life or death and that they're excited to launch and don't want to answer your dumb questions all day long.  🤣🤪  We are not particularly nosy or over bearing parents either.   

I will say in the past month he got a job in his city of choice, got his first apartment on his own (he has his own 1 bedroom), got a brand new car, we thrifted together a modicum of furniture to get started, started getting meal plans.  And oh my gosh, it's not like he is who he is when he was a young teen.  But he babbles happily when we talk to him or see him now.  We have so much more to talk about when we aren't in each others faces all the time and he is doing what he needs to do.  I love seeing my young adults flourish!  ❤️  

There is definitely hope!  

Edited October 9, 2023 by catz

[Hyacinth]

3 hours ago, catz said:

…they're excited to launch and don't want to answer your dumb questions all day long.  🤣🤪  

This made me laugh out loud! It’s our entire relationship in 15 words. 😁😁😁

[catz]

4 minutes ago, Hyacinth said:

This made me laugh out loud! It’s our entire relationship in 15 words. 😁😁😁

In solidarity!  🤣❤️  

[annandatje]

What improved my relationships with my adult children was when I started treating them as roommates while they were still living at home.

[City Mouse]

Yes!
Things that caused conflict when she lived at home don’t cause conflict when she has her own place. Now it is none of my business how she keeps her place, if she cleans her bathroom, or if she leaves food on the floor. 

[Ottakee]

Greatly improved.

[fraidycat]

Mine has only just moved into dorms for university this fall, so not fully launched, but I have probably spoken more to her on the phone in the past 5 weeks than we did in person in 5 months before she moved out. I let her set the communication pace. She calls me several times per day. 
 

I assume that will taper off as she settles in and meets more people, but it is a relationship improvement.

[kathyl]

It sounds like your ds is doing great and I'm sure he'll resurface at some point.  🙂 

Edited October 17, 2023 by kathyl

[Clarita]

I have a healthier relationship with my mom when she moved away. Less warmth though because she was unhealthily my everything for a while. 

I think being apart gave us the space to both grow up. (Weird to say about my mom, but she needed to have someone in her life to tell her her faults. I couldn't be that person when I was living with her, but now we actually have more open conversations where I tell her she is being ridiculous.) 

[freesia]

Yes, it has. Ds 1 acts more capable and mature when he’s not living with us. We have a great relationship. 
 

Dd1 always wanted privacy and independence. She went 3500 miles and another country away from us to college DURING COVID. She told me not to expect her to text as much as ds and then proceeded to text more and ask to FaceTime weekly. I think she needed space and control. It’s been awesome. 
 

Ds 2 just left for college. Oh my goodness he was in full irritable teen mode when he left. And I can join the too many questions club too. He rarely texts—once a week he’ll text—I am alive. Last week, though, I got some chatty newsy texts ( well, for him—not newsy dd like texts.) So, that relationship is on progress but I have hope. 

[Corraleno]

I have one kid who never went through a rebellious teen phase, dreaded going far from home for college, and still texts me nearly every day, and another who was SUPER prickly and unpleasant as a teen and made sure I knew she was just counting the days until she turned 18 and could move out — which is exactly what she did. Eventually she figured out that I was not actually the source of all her problems and that her bf was in fact the lazy, abusive jerk I always said he was, so she moved back home and now we have a wonderful relationship. The moody, snotty, glowering 17 yr old is now a cheerful, helpful, responsible 21 yr old who works, takes classes, asks (and follows!) my advice, and often brings me random little gifts like a cute plant or my favorite candy.

[Tap]

It did help with my xh's relationships, but I think it was because the kids got older, and they finally had some things in common to talk about.

 

My relationship has changes with my adult children, but I wouldn't say better or worse, just different. 

 

 

[sassenach]

1000%, even with the kids that aren't hard to live with. Ds21 is currently home. When he has lived away, he makes a point to call and check in. When he lives at home, it's a lot less intentional communication. Dd26 is truly hard to live with and we have a pretty good relationship with her as a fully launched adult. Dd19 is a joy but maybe a little less prickly when she's not at home. These young adults need their breathing room.

 

[Resilient]

Oh yes.  Very much so.  FWIW, 
with young men, age 23-24 is sort of a corner-turning time re: improved relationship with family.  Our counselor told us this and it pretty much worked out that way.  

[gardenmom5]

I have three fully independent.  with three of my four adult children, the relationships are more of adults, and different than when they were teens or even college students.

The one who was most challenging prior to moving out, has only become more challenging.  sibs, have voiced (among other things) how much they enjoy the lack of drama at family gatherings.   I have to remind them 'the one' is still my child and I still love them.   

I remember being the 10 year old rejoicing the overly dramatic sibling didn't go with us on vacation.  But now I see the parent perspective too.

Edited October 10, 2023 by gardenmom5

[Ginevra]

100% true for me with each kid. For one thing, it helps *me* if I can’t constantly see/evaluate what my kid is doing and the choices they are making. If they are right there, It’s more difficult for me to just shut up and let them make their own way, which I recognize as a “me” problem. But still.