WWYD-issues with birth mother

[QueenCat]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

those images can be saved but maybe you can change your settings so the images disappear very quickly, so that might make it more difficult?

I didn't know they could be saved...

[Kassia]

4 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

I didn't know they could be saved...

yes, you can take screenshots but the sender does get a notification when that happens.  

[DawnM]

Grandma is 73 I think.   Something like that.

And I have to keep telling myself that neither grandma or bio dad showed up to do anything for Andrew.   The letter that went out to ALL of A's bio relatives said, "We are having a hearing to determine where A will be permanently placed.   The date and time are below.   You MUST show up to court at this time in order to be considered for any claim on A" or something similar.

Y'all, it broke my heart but NO ONE showed up.   Not one person from her or his family showed up.   Not the grandma or the bio dad.   So, that right there should make me angry enough to cut them off, but I was trying very hard not to cut all ties.

These people are cray cray.  

[gardenmom5]

On 6/13/2023 at 3:01 PM, DawnM said:

Agreed.  I have cut her off but apparently they have not .

You're stuck having to control things with the grandmother, since she won't control things with the mother.

[Jaybee]

52 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Grandma is 73 I think.   Something like that.

And I have to keep telling myself that neither grandma or bio dad showed up to do anything for Andrew.   The letter that went out to ALL of A's bio relatives said, "We are having a hearing to determine where A will be permanently placed.   The date and time are below.   You MUST show up to court at this time in order to be considered for any claim on A" or something similar.

Y'all, it broke my heart but NO ONE showed up.   Not one person from her or his family showed up.   Not the grandma or the bio dad.   So, that right there should make me angry enough to cut them off, but I was trying very hard not to cut all ties.

These people are cray cray.  

I'm so glad he now has you and your dh.

[Terabith]

Don't they live across the country from you?  I'm not sure it's a sign of disinterest if they couldn't manage a cross country trip.

[Shoeless]

4 hours ago, DawnM said:

Grandma is 73 I think.   Something like that.

And I have to keep telling myself that neither grandma or bio dad showed up to do anything for Andrew.   The letter that went out to ALL of A's bio relatives said, "We are having a hearing to determine where A will be permanently placed.   The date and time are below.   You MUST show up to court at this time in order to be considered for any claim on A" or something similar.

Y'all, it broke my heart but NO ONE showed up.   Not one person from her or his family showed up.   Not the grandma or the bio dad.   So, that right there should make me angry enough to cut them off, but I was trying very hard not to cut all ties.

These people are cray cray.  

Oh hon, I'd burn it all to the ground. They'd get nothing from me, ever, ever again. 

If it was a kid in my family, I'd walk barefoot from LA to Philly to stake a claim. 

[DawnM]

6 hours ago, Shoeless said:

Oh hon, I'd burn it all to the ground. They'd get nothing from me, ever, ever again. 

If it was a kid in my family, I'd walk barefoot from LA to Philly to stake a claim. 

RIGHT?   Hot coals one way barefoot and an ice storm  barefoot back!   

[DawnM]

10 hours ago, Terabith said:

Don't they live across the country from you?  I'm not sure it's a sign of disinterest if they couldn't manage a cross country trip.

No, court was where they are.   I am cross country and I am the only one who showed up!  Not one local person did.

And who cares if it is cross country even from them?   If they wanted to help this child, they could find a way.....I did!   And I would do it again and again, I would go overseas to claim rights to my child or my grand-child.

Edited June 15, 2023 by DawnM

[Faith-manor]

12 hours ago, DawnM said:

Grandma is 73 I think.   Something like that.

And I have to keep telling myself that neither grandma or bio dad showed up to do anything for Andrew.   The letter that went out to ALL of A's bio relatives said, "We are having a hearing to determine where A will be permanently placed.   The date and time are below.   You MUST show up to court at this time in order to be considered for any claim on A" or something similar.

Y'all, it broke my heart but NO ONE showed up.   Not one person from her or his family showed up.   Not the grandma or the bio dad.   So, that right there should make me angry enough to cut them off, but I was trying very hard not to cut all ties.

These people are cray cray.  

They are wicked. Bottom line. Abandoning a child like that, not giving a fig what happens to him, and then demanding photos/contact from adoptive parents? Totally depraved. Andrew is a pawn in their sadistic games. If grandma was not house bound and had some means of transport, she could have gotten herself to court to find out about her grandchild. She didn't. Bio dad is a whole lot of words I can't say here.

I truly think you can 100% cut these people off. You did your best, and they effed it up anyway. They can't be trusted. It is okay. Let yourself off the hook on this. Many many hugs for you, and thank you so much for providing a wonderful home and family for A! Your village thanks for you for loving him and making him your little boy.

[DawnM]

Just now, Faith-manor said:

They are wicked. Bottom line. Abandoning a child like that, not giving a fig what happens to him, and then demanding photos/contact from adoptive parents? Totally depraved. Andrew is a pawn in their sadistic games. If grandma was not house bound and had some means of transport, she could have gotten herself to court to find out about her grandchild. She didn't. Bio dad is a whole lot of words I can't say here.

I truly think you can 100% cut these people off. You did your best, and they effed it up anyway. They can't be trusted. It is okay. Let yourself off the hook on this. Many many hugs for you, and thank you so much for providing a wonderful home and family for A! Your village thanks for you for loving him and making him your little boy.

Thanks.

[SKL]

You know these people, I don't.  However, the good side of my heart (tiny as it is) wants to believe that those family members who aren't completely unfit did consider the child's best interests and did believe that your son would be better off having a clean break from that family's "care."

I had an uncle whose daughter became available for adoption for good reasons.  My mom wanted to adopt.  (Cousin was around my age.)  My dad said no, because if we did that, their mother would be at our house all the time, creating continued problems for all of us, especially for my cousin.  My cousin ended up in a good, safe, happy home, and we had a good cousin relationship as kids.

I understand that it seems sad that nobody local showed up for court.  But it might have been them wanting to not complicate a good thing for the child.  Had they shown up, your adoption might have been harder, taken longer to get closure, etc.  Birth mom would probably have been all over those who attended, making things harder for all involved.  As for the "nice enough" granny, didn't you say she lives with the child's evil father?  How could they even have occasional weekend visits?  It's also likely that they were legally advised that they don't have any actual rights, as is the case in many if not most states.

(Personally I don't know if I could have stayed away.  Imagining my nieces in that situation, well, I don't know ...  it's impossible to imagine in the first place.  Assuming whatever my sister did to lose custody didn't land her in prison for years, she'd be here trying to take over those kids, and they would probably be trying to go to her also.)

[DawnM]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

You know these people, I don't.  However, the good side of my heart (tiny as it is) wants to believe that those family members who aren't completely unfit did consider the child's best interests and did believe that your son would be better off having a clean break from that family's "care."

I had an uncle whose daughter became available for adoption for good reasons.  My mom wanted to adopt.  (Cousin was around my age.)  My dad said no, because if we did that, their mother would be at our house all the time, creating continued problems for all of us, especially for my cousin.  My cousin ended up in a good, safe, happy home, and we had a good cousin relationship as kids.

I understand that it seems sad that nobody local showed up for court.  But it might have been them wanting to not complicate a good thing for the child.  Had they shown up, your adoption might have been harder, taken longer to get closure, etc.  Birth mom would probably have been all over those who attended, making things harder for all involved.  As for the "nice enough" granny, didn't you say she lives with the child's evil father?  How could they even have occasional weekend visits?  It's also likely that they were legally advised that they don't have any actual rights, as is the case in many if not most states.

(Personally I don't know if I could have stayed away.  Imagining my nieces in that situation, well, I don't know ...  it's impossible to imagine in the first place.  Assuming whatever my sister did to lose custody didn't land her in prison for years, she'd be here trying to take over those kids, and they would probably be trying to go to her also.)

They were given the information to come and claim.   I don't believe they didn't come because they thought I was a better option, I hadn't even spoken to them yet, but they may have been given. directives that they couldn't have a child anyway, but honestly, I don't know.   I would still have shown up.

Yes, it made it easier for me that they didn't, but that doesn't change the fact that they didn't even try.  Not even a little bit.

And they let bio mom over all the time anyway!   Even though they say they won't.   

I blocked her from my phone, that doesn't block her from coming through on my computer, but at least it won't pop up on my phone anymore.

And more posts talking crap about me this morning by bio-mom.   UGH.  

[prairiewindmomma]

I think the fact that grandma does not maintain boundaries with bio mom means grandma gets cut off from photos too. It’s not ideal, but they aren’t behaving ideally. 
 

I would also gradually reduce written contact….fewer details, more time in between, in the hopes that interest drops off if you choose not to cut off written contact entirely. But I would feel ok doing that also.

[Spryte]

With the info here, I would stop sending photos altogether right now. It’s not safe. And BGM won’t help to keep things safe, so she’s part of the problem.

I *might* — after some time passes, if things are peaceful again in a few years — send an occasional (every few years, if that) card to BGM with a short note about how well A is doing. I *might* — someday — enclose a hard copy of a pic, but never a digital pic. Then again, I would probably give it a few years before even doing that much. And, really, I’d not do it often, and would slowly just stop.

We have open adoptions, and I highly value openness, but threats and the kinds of comments and contact you are describing would not work for my family. BGM is facilitating that behavior, and even triggering it by sharing photos. I would put a stop to that however I could.

It’s in A’s best interest to have a safe childhood with a family that’s not stressed and looking over their shoulders all the time.

ETA: I’d also do whatever I could to remove my child’s accessible online presence, so there’s no backdoor to pictures and stalking behavior.

Edited June 15, 2023 by Spryte

[catz]

I would just cut them off and not give it another moment's thought.  I like Spryte's line of thinking.  Maybe a holiday card in a few years if things remain calm.  

I would not waste emotional energy subscribing malice to the grandparents and over thinking that end of it.  It sounds like these people definitely don't have the emotional toolbox to safely and adequately parent a young child.  Looks like they didn't do so great on their own.  There may be generational traumas, mental illness, financial issues, emotional immaturity, substances, etc at play.  Some people just have no reserve - emotional, physical, financial.   Karma was clearly working for your sweet boy when he landed in your safe arms.  But A may want to meet when he is older and maybe someone out there will be in an emotional place at some point where a reciprocol relationship may be possible if healing happens.

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

They were given the information to come and claim.   I don't believe they didn't come because they thought I was a better option, I hadn't even spoken to them yet, but they may have been given. directives that they couldn't have a child anyway, but honestly, I don't know.   I would still have shown up.

Yes, it made it easier for me that they didn't, but that doesn't change the fact that they didn't even try.  Not even a little bit.

And they let bio mom over all the time anyway!   Even though they say they won't.   

I blocked her from my phone, that doesn't block her from coming through on my computer, but at least it won't pop up on my phone anymore.

And more posts talking crap about me this morning by bio-mom.   UGH.  

Do you think you could document things effectively with keeping your monitoring activities down to maybe just one day a week? Pick a morning, snap whatever screen shots you need, then schedule other activities to get your mind off of anything unpleasant you uncovered. Seems like daily (or several times daily) checks would just be angst-producing. 

[DawnM]

7 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

Do you think you could document things effectively with keeping your monitoring activities down to maybe just one day a week? Pick a morning, snap whatever screen shots you need, then schedule other activities to get your mind off of anything unpleasant you uncovered. Seems like daily (or several times daily) checks would just be angst-producing. 

Yeah, I don't check every day, but when something like this happens, I check more often.   Then it dies down a bit and I don't check for a long stretch.

[Starr]

I don’t see how a hard copy photo is any better than digital. You just take a picture of it if you want to put it online. Dawn I’m sorry these stressors have continued. 

[Emba]

Contact with my children’s bio parents was always explicitly predicated on them recognizing that I was the parent now, and honoring that. They did okay at first, then overstepped a bit, then overstepped in a way that went way off the deep end, and now we have no contact. So from my experience, if at this point both north mother and paternal gm are so disrespectful of you as the child’s parent, it will only get worse. Way worse, especially of birth mom is openly saying she ways the child back with her. 
 

It’s hard because one of mine, at least, has really strong feelings of attachment to her birth family, and wants to know how things are going for them, and is deeply curious about her half-siblings. But after the latest “gave an inch/took 10 miles “ incident, I’m done with it. And the first time a photo ended up on Facebook after I said no photos on Facebook, I should have stopped sharing photos.

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, Emba said:

Contact with my children’s bio parents was always explicitly predicated on them recognizing that I was the parent now, and honoring that. They did okay at first, then overstepped a bit, then overstepped in a way that went way off the deep end, and now we have no contact. So from my experience, if at this point both north mother and paternal gm are so disrespectful of you as the child’s parent, it will only get worse. Way worse, especially of birth mom is openly saying she ways the child back with her. 
 

It’s hard because one of mine, at least, has really strong feelings of attachment to her birth family, and wants to know how things are going for them, and is deeply curious about her half-siblings. But after the latest “gave an inch/took 10 miles “ incident, I’m done with it. And the first time a photo ended up on Facebook after I said no photos on Facebook, I should have stopped sharing photos.

UGH!   This is what I fear.

[DawnM]

Well, she tried to call me today (bio mom).   She does NOT get it.   It says specifically she is not to contact any of us.   She has done it a few times.   She called on his birthday in Nov asking to speak to him~!   I told her no and she cussed me out.   I hung up.   I do not want to speak to her EVER.   Even when things were going better, she was nasty and constantly telling A on the phone that he needs to beat us up, or run away from us, or whatever.   

[Faith-manor]

11 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Well, she tried to call me today (bio mom).   She does NOT get it.   It says specifically she is not to contact any of us.   She has done it a few times.   She called on his birthday in Nov asking to speak to him~!   I told her no and she cussed me out.   I hung up.   I do not want to speak to her EVER.   Even when things were going better, she was nasty and constantly telling A on the phone that he needs to beat us up, or run away from us, or whatever.   

I am so sorry, Dawn!!! Hugs. Is there a restraining order? Can she be be arrested for this? Oh my goodness. She is such a dangerous mind.

[BusyMom5]

34 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Well, she tried to call me today (bio mom).   She does NOT get it.   It says specifically she is not to contact any of us.   She has done it a few times.   She called on his birthday in Nov asking to speak to him~!   I told her no and she cussed me out.   I hung up.   I do not want to speak to her EVER.   Even when things were going better, she was nasty and constantly telling A on the phone that he needs to beat us up, or run away from us, or whatever.   

Yes, no contact for any of them. It's not healthy for HER to keep this tie either.   

[freesia]

I’m on team no contact. I might have a photo album that I put together with pics that I would have sent. Then if A ever did want to contact his bio grandmother when he’s of age, she could see them then. 

[Spryte]

Document, document, document.

And no contact.

BGM set this off by sharing that photo. She can’t be trusted either.

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

I am so sorry, Dawn!!! Hugs. Is there a restraining order? Can she be be arrested for this? Oh my goodness. She is such a dangerous mind.

I don't know what to do to make it stop. I have spoken to the police twice, but with her being homeless and in another state, there isn't much they can do. I called the police in the state where she lives but they said they can't do much either since they can't find homeless people to serve them papers anyway and unless she is actively trying to kidnap him or hurt us, they won't do much.

[DawnM]

And the message she left?

"I got a photo of A and I can tell he is in HELL!   I will be getting a lawyer and getting him back.   I can't log in to the site with the photos so you need to call me back and give me the log in info.   You are abusing him Dawn and I am coming to get him."

Then she thought she hung up but she didn't.  She was talking to her homeless boyfriend and said, "That F-ing B*tch has my kid and I am going to F-ing get him from her, she is F-ing abusing him and that B*tch better watch out."   Then she asked for a pipe to smoke something.

There was more but you get the general idea.

This is what she does, over and over and over.   

#HATE

[DawnM]

41 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Document, document, document.

And no contact.

BGM set this off by sharing that photo. She can’t be trusted either.

Yes, I messaged her yesterday and got no response so I messaged today and let her know that I have been harassed via phone and on FB because of the photo she shared so I am going to go ahead and remove myself from anyone associated with her.   

And then I blocked her.

But bio mom continues to post more stuff today after calling me.

 

[Spryte]

What a nightmare.

Keep records.

I’m so sorry. 

[freesia]

Dawn, I am so glad A is with you. The whole situation is so tragic. I’m glad he’s in a good safe place. 

[-----]

44 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Yes, I messaged her yesterday and got no response so I messaged today and let her know that I have been harassed via phone and on FB because of the photo she shared so I am going to go ahead and remove myself from anyone associated with her.   

And then I blocked her.

But bio mom continues to post more stuff today after calling me.

 

It sounds like bio mom is a drug addict and the grandmother is an enabler.  And what that probably means to you is that there is NO reasoning with them.  The sooner you go completely dark and ghost them totally, the sooner they'll move on to their next victim.   

Think of them as bears.  When we lived in the woods with many bears, they would periodically pass through looking for food.  If they found even ONE tiny scrap of food, they would return for months (years??) looking for more food.  But if they never found even the tiniest scrap, they eventually dropped our house off their food routes and we would never see them again.  They had moved on to other houses where they were finding food scraps.

As long as you keep interacting with them, they'll keep coming around.  I suppose it's good to know what they're up to for safety's sake.  But maybe there's a way to do that that can spare you the emotional upheaval??  I don't know. 

[Scarlett]

Dawn I am so sorry.  What a nightmare.  So thankful for the distance between CA and NC. 

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

And the message she left?

"I got a photo of A and I can tell he is in HELL!   I will be getting a lawyer and getting him back.   I can't log in to the site with the photos so you need to call me back and give me the log in info.   You are abusing him Dawn and I am coming to get him."

Then she thought she hung up but she didn't.  She was talking to her homeless boyfriend and said, "That F-ing B*tch has my kid and I am going to F-ing get him from her, she is F-ing abusing him and that B*tch better watch out."   Then she asked for a pipe to smoke something.

There was more but you get the general idea.

This is what she does, over and over and over.   

#HATE

This is restraining order worthy, imo. IANAL but in my mind, a restraining order, while not always helpful in actual restraining, seems like a solid step in the “documentation” direction. I dunno, mostly grasping at straws because I hate you’re in this situation. 
 

Can you change your phone number?

So when you look at other people’s sm accounts, you may then begin showing up in their “recommended for you” items that pop up. Are your sm accounts locked down to prevent that, specifically? Because her thinking you’re seeing her fb posts may be inspiring her to continue ranting on fb. 
 

Anyway, I’m sorry you’re still dealing with this. You’ve earned a stretch of easy, wish you could just get it. 

[Lecka]

I would quit sharing any information now, and quit all contact.

 

Am I understanding that even if you collect and document this information, nothing will be done with it?  
 

I think if a little time passes, I think I would wonder if there is a need to keep track of this, if nothing will be done with it.  
 

I might be missing something here for the need to continue to document.  Like — maybe there’s no need.  Like — if there’s no prevention coming from it, and then — she’s some random woman if she ever shows up, she has no claim to this child.  You could just call the police then.  
 

But I don’t know?  If it is helping with safety I think it’s worth doing, but if it’s actually not — I would question if it’s necessary.  

 

Edit:  I am appalled at the voice mail, I think it is to the point of “cut everything off with everyone associated with her.”  I don’t think it’s fair but I think that it’s at that point.  But it’s that way because of other people’s actions, not on your side.  
 

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this!!!!!!!

Edited June 17, 2023 by Lecka

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, Lecka said:

I would quit sharing any information now, and quit all contact.

 

Am I understanding that even if you collect and document this information, nothing will be done with it?  
 

I think if a little time passes, I think I would wonder if there is a need to keep track of this, if nothing will be done with it.  
 

I might be missing something here for the need to continue to document.  Like — maybe there’s no need.  Like — if there’s no prevention coming from it, and then — she’s some random woman if she ever shows up, she has no claim to this child.  You could just call the police then.  
 

But I don’t know?  If it is helping with safety I think it’s worth doing, but if it’s actually not — I would question if it’s necessary.  

 

Edit:  I am appalled at the voice mail, I think it is to the point of “cut everything off with everyone associated with her.”  I don’t think it’s fair but I think that it’s at that point.  But it’s that way because of other people’s actions, not on your side.  
 

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this!!!!!!!

Yes it is actually essential to document it. Because if the mentally ill woman actually harms anyone that paper trail is necessary for any investigations. 

[Halftime Hope]

@DawnM Does the niece know you're here? I'm DMing you some critical information, but in my opinion this is a defcon 2 situation.

This is cut-all-ties situation already. The birthmother is already at obsession level. It's incredible the goals people can set and accomplish for themselves when they become obsessed, particularly if the obsession is fueled by mental illness and/or substances. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lecka]

I was not thinking of it that way.  
 

I hope it’s not dangerous, but it sounds like it is very possible.  I was not thinking of it that way, though.  
 

Edit:  then I do think it’s necessary to keep documenting.  It’s a different situation than I was thinking it might be.  

Edited June 17, 2023 by Lecka

[bolt.]

I'm maybe going against the general spirit of things here, so I want to start by saying that this is a very hard situation, and you shouldn't be put through it. It's a good time to cut off the grandmother, and it's important to document whatever happens.

And, on the other hand...

I'm kinda wondering what harm a low-income drug-addicted bio-mom in another city can really do?

Can she really "get a lawyer"? Not without a few thousand dollars and the ability to convince a professional that she will be a reliable client, and that she has a legal case to be made. So, no.

Can she really "come for you"? Not without some form of transportation, and information about your physical address and stomping grounds -- which are a lot of obstacles for a homeless drug addict. And if she does? And she finds you? And she shouts at you? Then she will be nearby you disturbing the peace, and you can get away and/or get help from the usual authorities. Being shouted at is no fun, but neither is this way that you seem to be on edge about the potential that she might do that. You really don't need to be on edge about something that wouldn't actually be that bad if it happened.

Given that: What harm is there in her rallying her social network to soothe her feelings? Why shouldn't she have a lovely online community that says, "That's so horrible that a stranger has your child and is abusing them, and there's nothing you can do!" -- She has a terrible life, and has lost a child. Surely she can be permitted to build herself some face-saving heart-soothing illusions?

Do you really need to monitor her behaviour? Maybe you're correct and there is some value in the monitoring. But, even so, do you need to take it personally and feel threatened when she blows some steam and tells her 'lost child' story again? The threat isn't real. It's just a damaged woman spouting text. Maybe you can give her permission to live out her narrative online, while you live out your narrative in real life?

So, I'd recommend not monitoring her social media, and not receiving her calls -- if at all possible. If that's not possible, I'd get some buffer-people involved -- to listen to voicemails and check up on her socials for you. And if that's not possible, at least try to detach a little. She can't hurt you. Even when she's expressing that she wishes she could: she can't.

Edited June 17, 2023 by bolt.

[Kassia]

@DawnMjust wanted to say how sorry I am.  What a horrifying situation.  😞 

[Janeway]

Report the photo to FB and stop posting photos. Maybe it does not matter much at 4 yrs old, but A will grow up and find out about those photos and there will be emotional reactions. It is not a good thing. The child has a right to privacy.

 

FYI, not to scare you, but I do know someone who was involved in adoption and when her child became an adult, a birth relative had apparently located her, maybe using the photos, not sure, and came in to the adult child's life to cause problems and caused a lot of emotional pain to everyone involved. There is clearly no respect for you as A's parent or for A. Just sending photos.

Edited June 17, 2023 by Janeway

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, Janeway said:

Report the photo to FB and stop posting photos. Maybe it does not matter much at 4 yrs old, but A will grow up and find out about those photos and there will be emotional reactions. It is not a good thing. The child has a right to privacy.

 

FYI, not to scare you, but I do know someone who was involved in adoption and when her child became an adult, a birth relative had apparently located her, maybe using the photos, not sure, and came in to the adult child's life to cause problems and caused a lot of emotional pain to everyone involved. There is clearly no respect for you as A's parent or for A. Just sending photos.

I did not post the photo, it was shared with grandma via text.   SHE posted it on HER page.   I tried to report it but the only way to report that someone has a pic of your child is to fill out a form and have it notarized and upload it to FB.   

Oh, I am already scared.   She is threatening will not stop.   It has been 3.5 years.   It isn't going to change.   She is crazy.

Edited June 18, 2023 by DawnM

[DawnM]

Never mind, I am not defending myself or validating anything that says "poor her"

Edited June 18, 2023 by DawnM

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, Halftime Hope said:

@DawnM Does the niece know you're here? I'm DMing you some critical information, but in my opinion this is a defcon 2 situation.

This is cut-all-ties situation already. The birthmother is already at obsession level. It's incredible the goals people can set and accomplish for themselves when they become obsessed, particularly if the obsession is fueled by mental illness and/or substances. 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait, what niece?  There is a birth mother, a birth father, and a birth grandmother.

[ScoutTN]

I would go no-contact immediately. Definitely block all of them on your phone and sm accts. I might even delete the accts altogether. And change phone numbers. 

Definitely document. 
 

I am so glad that A is with you! Focus on him and not the crazies. Enjoy your little boy! 

 

[DawnM]

4 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

I would go no-contact immediately. Definitely block all of them on your phone and sm accts. I might even delete the accts altogether. And change phone numbers. 

Definitely document. 
 

I am so glad that A is with you! Focus on him and not the crazies. Enjoy your little boy! 

 

Delete my FB account?   I hope not to do that.   I grew up overseas and I keep in touch with everyone through FB.   I wonder if changing my name on there would. help though.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If there is a way to document with the court the birth mother’s violations of the agreement, I would do it. Not because they would necessarily do anything about it directly, but if she did try to petition the court for custody then there is already a record of her violations. 

[Janeway]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

I did not post the photo, it was shared with grandma via text.   SHE posted it on HER page.   I tried to report it but the only way to report that someone has a pic of your child is to fill out a form and have it notarized and upload it to FB.   

Oh, I am already scared.   She is threatening will not stop.   It has been 3.5 years.   It isn't going to change.   She is crazy.

That is what I meant. Don't give her any more photos. I did not think you posted it. 

[Katy]

I know Dawn knows this, but foster adoption isn't like other adoption.  It is permanent and bio parents cannot appeal once adoption is finalized. There's no way to get an attorney and get him back. Showing up there to kidnap him will land her in prison.

I do understand the fear though. I'd likely ask an attorney about putting your next house in a family corporation or  trust that is named for something she couldn't guess. That would not only stop her from finding your address easily, it might also protect any kids who want to continue to live in the house after one or both of you dies.

I'd definitely change your name on all social media, but only after blocking everyone connected with them. And change your number, even though it's a huge hassle.

[Drama Llama]

8 minutes ago, Katy said:

foster adoption isn't like other adoption.  It is permanent and bio parents cannot appeal once adoption is finalized.

This is true in other kinds of adoption as well.