Just smile...and be quiet, right?? :)

[BakersDozen]

When your friend whom you met back in the late 90s and who married into a multi-million dollar level of wealth family and who always said she could do this or that and not worry about costs or building a savings because of her dh's future inheritance, and now they own a business which was funded by PART of his trust fund (the business loan was 650K) and they can "work" for half the year and then travel anywhere and everywhere for the rest of the year and go to any and every attraction along the way without worrying about money, and the friend keeps saying how you need to pack up the dc still at home and do the same and why don't you go out to eat and why don't you go to the movies and how can you not shop at Trader Joe's for your very large family???

Smile, eat some chocolate (cheap chocolate, lol), and be quiet, right? Right. It is so over the top different from what we have lived these last almost-30 years, it's almost laughable. And over all these years of being friends, she still doesn't see that we are different or that our choices can't be what hers/theirs are.

OK. That is all. 🙂

 

[saraha]

Hugs 

[footballmom]

Is this a JAWM?  I’m not asking to be snarky, I am asking before giving my answer / opinion if it’s not JAWM 😊

[catz]

I personally don't think there's anything wrong pointing out those options aren't realistic for your budget.

[Katy]

I’d probably laugh and with a smile say, “We’re not in that financial situation but I’m glad you’re so comfortable it didn’t occur to you.”

I went to college with a few people who are now billionaires. We rarely get together except online. Interestingly, IME the really braggy & condescending ones are usually insecure & on the verge of divorce. ETA: there’s far more people who went back for teaching or nursing than who went into tech or medicine. The teachers & nurses are happier. 

Edited January 6, 2023 by Katy

[momto3innc]

First time or if I’m in a hurry: smile and move on.

Beyond that: “Sounds fun (or whatever adjective) but that’s not something we can afford.” 

[marbel]

In all these years your friend has not figured out that the two of you live at vastly different economic levels? 

I've been the wealthier friend (though never at the levels are you are talking about) and the poorer friend - and in all cases everyone knew what was what, and the wealthier person knew enough not to suggest things that were clearly out of the not-so-wealthy friend's financial comfort zone.  

Am I misunderstanding?  

[fraidycat]

You should...

"That's not in our budget."

Why don't you...?

"That's not in our budget."

[Guest]

I don’t really have much patience for that TBH. I would not be above responding, “because I don’t have eleventy billion dollars for that; surely you know that by now.” 
 

I really dislike when people flaunt wealth. My boss did that a lot when I first started working for him but he stopped, presumably when he realized I did not care about expensive watches or Mont Blanc pens. I never did understand what his goal was. After I turned down his offer to let me buy his wife’s old Coach purses at a bargain, he stopped. It was the last time he did it. 

[ScoutTN]

Is she just not very bright, or is she mean? Or just unbelievably self-centered? 

[Arcadia]

I have ex-classmates who behave similarly at school reunions or class gatherings. One is so oblivious and don’t care that we just treat her as talking to herself. One toned down a lot after a few ex-classmates told her how she was coming across as because she does care. Majority of my ex-schoolmates are more worried about coming across as snotty. 
I don’t have your tolerance and would have ignored this friend after a few conversations of this kind. She would be “demoted” to acquaintance level.

Edited January 6, 2023 by Arcadia
typo

[Starr]

or if you're feeling snarky, "I guess I should've married  better." I think these things with a relative of mine but have never had the perfect opportunity to make it worthwhile to say. 

[KungFuPanda]

Is her intelligence below average or is she just rude?

[TechWife]

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

Is her intelligence below average or is she just rude?

Maybe she’s smart and has autism. Maybe she can’t figure out how to fit into this family she married into but doesn’t feel like she fits in with her old friends either. Maybe she doesn’t have any idea how much it costs to shop at those stores, because she doesn’t have to know.  Maybe she just figures she can’t win because no matter what she does someone is going to judge her as “less-than” or “other.” 

[TechWife]

5 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

When your friend whom you met back in the late 90s and who married into a multi-million dollar level of wealth family and who always said she could do this or that and not worry about costs or building a savings because of her dh's future inheritance, and now they own a business which was funded by PART of his trust fund (the business loan was 650K) and they can "work" for half the year and then travel anywhere and everywhere for the rest of the year and go to any and every attraction along the way without worrying about money, and the friend keeps saying how you need to pack up the dc still at home and do the same and why don't you go out to eat and why don't you go to the movies and how can you not shop at Trader Joe's for your very large family???

Smile, eat some chocolate (cheap chocolate, lol), and be quiet, right? Right. It is so over the top different from what we have lived these last almost-30 years, it's almost laughable. And over all these years of being friends, she still doesn't see that we are different or that our choices can't be what hers/theirs are.

OK. That is all. 🙂

 

You can quietly tell her you’re happy with your life the way it is and move the conversation on to another topic. There has to be a reason you’re friends. What do you have in common? Does it seem like she wants to talk about travel?  Ask her about a recent trip she took - why did they choose that location? Had she been there before? What was her favorite part of the trip? Does she like to travel? Where is she going next? What is she looking forward to doing there? What is the most unusual food she’s eaten while traveling that she liked? What are the people like there? 

[happi duck]

Another vote for "that's not in our budget" or whatever. If you just smile then they don't actually know.  For example, Trader Joe's is really affordable for many things and maybe it's seen as something helpful and is truly a shock that you don't shop there.

People get accidentally braggy about all sorts of things that are just normal to them.

[BakersDozen]

2 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Is her intelligence below average or is she just rude?

That's actually a legit question! I would say she is average intelligence with a high level of lack of common sense. She is super, super kind, personable, etc. But she doesn't quite, even after all these years, understand that some of us need to live "small" and save because we don't have trust funds and inheritances in our future.

[BakersDozen]

I posted and had to end quickly because my friend was arriving (we'd spent part of the day together, then she went shopping for groceries - at Trader Joe's, lol - which she was bringing over so we could make dinner. So I'm sorry I didn't post more details for clarification.

I was laughing to myself as I was typing my OP because of the absurdity of the whole situation. All these years, same friend, same financial situations, and she's just as sweetly and lovingly clueless as ever. Thank goodness for those qualities, though, because she would be unbearable otherwise. Saving means nothing to her because there is no need to do so. I get that, but I also have accepted that she honestly cannot fathom having to save for retirement, medical expenses, etc. It's just not in her thinking any more than spending as she/they do is in my thinking.

So I came here to share the vibe I've been around these last few days and just kind of get it out, but not in an angry way. I know what to expect when we see her once/year, but honestly it still takes me a bit to get used to again.

I have told her that it's not in our budget, etc. But again, budgeting isn't in her mind because it doesn't have to be. So now I just let her talk and make suggestions for the places I should take my tribe, and I smile, and try not to shake my head because she is so, so enthusiastic and positive in her thinking/expressions of, well, everything. She's super funny. But definitely clueless. 🙂

[BakersDozen]

4 hours ago, Quill said:

I really dislike when people flaunt wealth

I think it would be harder for me if she flaunted her wealth. She just accepts things as so normal, it's comical (sort of) how oblivious she is to the realities families such as I have face. And she's so upbeat and optimistic about spending or doing things which require money (which I guess she can be), it's funny to hear her map out all the places we should take our kids while all I see/hear in my mind is, "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$."

[Carrie12345]

I use “it’s not in my budget” all the time. The weird thing is, it’s often with people who aren’t wealthier or have bigger incomes.  
I noticed the same with a friend who definitely did have a much bigger household income than me. Many things other people prioritized “weren’t in” her budget.

Regardless of the number of dollars in it, many people don’t seem to get that there are people who have different places they need/want it to go. It’s weird.

[TexasProud]

Maybe suggest she go on a mission trip or volunteer in a homeless shelter? 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

I think it would be harder for me if she flaunted her wealth. She just accepts things as so normal, it's comical (sort of) how oblivious she is to the realities families such as I have face. And she's so upbeat and optimistic about spending or doing things which require money (which I guess she can be), it's funny to hear her map out all the places we should take our kids while all I see/hear in my mind is, "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$."

Well, you could disabuse her of that. You’re not teenagers like in the movie “Clueless”. If she’s really so tone-deaf that it has never occurred to her that some people, including you, have less money and cannot do those things, I would say she literally needs a friend to peel off the eye mask for her. What kind of friendship can you have with a person who does not understand this basic fact?
 

I wonder what she thinks when someone gets evicted from their home or can’t afford needed health care. 

 

I had a “friend” a bit like that once, only her thing was to constantly ask why I didn’t do something on my house or buy better clothes. Literally she said to me once, “If I had a figure like yours I would buy better clothes.” And she would nag me about my house; ie., “Why do you still have an empty space here where a wine fridge is supposed to go?”  I kept telling her I couldn’t afford those things but it never seemed to sink in. I ditched her. She sucked as a “friend” and that’s not friendship to me. 
 

Maybe this is not the case for you and she has many redeeming qualities that make her worth keeping. If that is the case, you owe it to her to clear up her confusion once and for all. “Jane, not everyone has the income you have; in fact, most people don’t and I don’t. You talk about how we should all cruise Scandinavia for three weeks in the summer but I could not afford that in my dizziest daydreams. I can afford the Natural History Museum with a picnic lunch on the grounds.” 
 

FWIW, I have observed that disparities in income are among the hardest gaps to bridge between friends. You’re coming from different places and you won’t understand each other’s issues in life. 

[teachermom2834]

That is super annoying. At least she isn’t advising you how you could have all those things if you just followed a few tips. I have had people that seem to think they have it all figured out and absolutely cannot see or acknowledge that they caught a few breaks along the way. 
 

I have been in those situations and would straight up say that some exotic trip was just not in the universe of things I could ever do and also explained how smaller things like eating out were a real budget buster. 
 

I once went to a baseball game with my four kids and a friend with a single child. As we got concessions and such she eventually said “what is with all the sharing of everything?” It was such a clueless moment. She was so taken aback that I was having my kids share things like a bucket of popcorn and a bag of peanuts. I, in a million years, would have never thought of going up to the concession stand and buying FIVE popcorns for my kids and myself. Just never would have crossed my mind. She was a really nice person and I did explain but it was weird. She was smart…it didn’t seem like it needed explaining. People just have really different perspectives sometimes. 

[HomeAgain]

Well, bless her heart!  It takes a certain kind of innocence to be so oblivious to the world! 

[pinball]

9 hours ago, Quill said:

I don’t really have much patience for that TBH. I would not be above responding, “because I don’t have eleventy billion dollars for that; surely you know that by now.” 
 

I really dislike when people flaunt wealth. My boss did that a lot when I first started working for him but he stopped, presumably when he realized I did not care about expensive watches or Mont Blanc pens. I never did understand what his goal was. After I turned down his offer to let me buy his wife’s old Coach purses at a bargain, he stopped. It was the last time he did it. 

Ah, purses. Hot button

[pinball]

40 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

That is super annoying. At least she isn’t advising you how you could have all those things if you just followed a few tips. I have had people that seem to think they have it all figured out and absolutely cannot see or acknowledge that they caught a few breaks along the way. 
 

I have been in those situations and would straight up say that some exotic trip was just not in the universe of things I could ever do and also explained how smaller things like eating out were a real budget buster. 
 

I once went to a baseball game with my four kids and a friend with a single child. As we got concessions and such she eventually said “what is with all the sharing of everything?” It was such a clueless moment. She was so taken aback that I was having my kids share things like a bucket of popcorn and a bag of peanuts. I, in a million years, would have never thought of going up to the concession stand and buying FIVE popcorns for my kids and myself. Just never would have crossed my mind. She was a really nice person and I did explain but it was weird. She was smart…it didn’t seem like it needed explaining. People just have really different perspectives sometimes. 

I know adults who won’t share things like a container of popcorn or nachos bc they don’t want hands reaching into food they are going to eat

[marbel]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Well, you could disabuse her of that. You’re not teenagers like in the movie “Clueless”. If she’s really so tone-deaf that it has never occurred to her that some people, including you, have less money and cannot do those things, I would say she literally needs a friend to peel off the eye mask for her. What kind of friendship can you have with a person who does not understand this basic fact?
 

My daughter had a friend for a while (preteen) who was growing up a bit like this. She lived in a beautiful home with a pool, a playroom, just lots of rooms and space, all filled with the best things. Once a little group of friends was talking in our backyard about going to the pool (a lot of people here belong to community pools for the summer) and she literally said "why would you have to go to a pool in the summer, just swim in your own?" I remember my daughter and the other girls being dumbfounded. I mean, she was in our fenced yard; she could see the whole thing; there was no pool. And she had been to the other girls' homes - no pools there either.  She can't have really thought that everyone had a pool, but she said it. There were other indications that she was clueless but that one always stuck in my mind. Her mother was not that way, or if she was, she hid it well. The girls fell out of touch but I've often wondered what became of her and how she's doing now in her early 20s - if she is still clueless or had learned something. 

On the other hand, the closest friend of my life was much wealthier than I. We met at work; I worked in customer service; she was an engineer. We were great friends and roommates and the $$ differences between us never caused a problem. She had grown up in a fairly well-off family (I didn't) but she understood financial differences and never made me feel uncomfortable.  Unfortunately, she died in her 30s so I don't know if we would have remained friends throughout our lives, but I have no reason to think we wouldn't have.

Edited January 6, 2023 by marbel

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, marbel said:

she literally said "why would you have to go to a pool in the summer, just swim in your own?" I remember my daughter and the other girls being dumbfounded.

Did anyone say, “Because we don’t *have* our own pools, dumba$$”? 😂 Probably not, but it would have been fun to observe her face; that would likely tell you if she really, truly thought there was some magical way everyone had their own pool and were merely deciding to swim in the community pool.

[pinball]

6 minutes ago, Quill said:

Did anyone say, “Because we don’t *have* our own pools, dumba$$”? 😂 Probably not, but it would have been fun to observe her face; that would likely tell you if she really, truly thought there was some magical way everyone had their own pool and were merely deciding to swim in the community pool.

Most preteens don’t call their friends dumb@$$

this is pretty harsh

[teachermom2834]

1 hour ago, pinball said:

I know adults who won’t share things like a container of popcorn or nachos bc they don’t want hands reaching into food they are going to eat

I understand this. I wouldn’t ask someone why they didn’t want to share. But most adults do recognize the realities of a family with a bunch of kids. This lady didn’t. If she was grossed out by the germ thing she just didn’t need to ask why we were sharing. I wasn’t asking her to share with my kids. 

[marbel]

23 minutes ago, Quill said:

Did anyone say, “Because we don’t *have* our own pools, dumba$$”? 😂 Probably not, but it would have been fun to observe her face; that would likely tell you if she really, truly thought there was some magical way everyone had their own pool and were merely deciding to swim in the community pool.

Actually, I was pondering this in the shower just now and my memory became clearer. No, the girls did not respond that way. 🤣 

One of the girls was excitedly talking about going to Wolf Lodge indoor water park resort which was something very special for her family to do, like a stretch financially - and pool girl asked why anyone would go there in the summer, when they could swim in their own pool. Her family went there every winter. 

Maybe her reasoning was that if people wanted to swim in the summer, they would/could put in a pool as her family had. 🤷‍♂️ But again that requires an assumption that everyone can afford Wolf Lodge every winter, and everyone can afford a pool. I wouldn't expect a preteen to fully understand nuances of family finances, but certainly by then they should understand the there is a wide range of financial flexibility in the world, even among their own social circle? 

Anyway, didn't mean to derail with my story! 

[Clemsondana]

The Trader Joes thing is funny - in our area, TJs has gone from being frequented by hipster singles and crunchy moms to being where little old ladies shop because many items are cheaper there than in chain grocery stores.  Some are convenience foods that might be skipped if on a very tight budget (bagged salad, for instance), but others, like butter and eggs, are staples.  They might be cheaper at Aldi, to be fair, but if your normal shopping is at Kroger or another similar chain then TJs is often the budget-friendly store.  

It's hard to believe that, after repeatedly being told that travel isn't in the budget, it hasn't sunk in.  But, people can have big blind spots.  It's also easy to forget how expensive it is when there are more people to account for.  Even my parents, when talking about an inexpensive restaurant, forget that for us (2 teens) it would cost at least double that price just because there are twice as many people and nobody gets a senior discount.  🙂  

And, how people spend their money can be surprising so without knowing exact finances it's hard to know what somebody can afford.  As a simple example, when we go to the beach we split the cost of a house with my parents.  We usually eat at home and go out once as a group and usually spouse and I have a date night.  We rarely do a 'big attraction' like a dinner theater or show - the big event is usually my sibling and dad taking the kids to play putt putt one day.  In other words, it's fairly inexpensive, other than renting the house.  We know other people whose finances are much tighter than ours who do multiple expensive shows and eat out every meal.  I don't know how other families finances work, obviously, but not suggesting something on the assumption that they couldn't afford it would be wrong. 

But, it sounds like this friends is just oblivious.  It's kind of weird.  We've been so conscious to teach our kids to not assume that everybody can afford what we can, and, for that matter, to know that there are people who don't think twice about buying things that we don't.  When my kid went to driving school, where most kids took their own lunch, kid was amazed that there were kids who had uber eats deliver their Taco Bell lunches.  $20 for Taco Bell once you include delivery!  It does sound like, if this is a close friend, it's worth maybe trying to have a conversation that points out the financial reality of most people's lives.  While we know people who shop anywhere along the Aldi, TJs, Kroger, and Whole Foods continuum based on their finances, we don't know anybody who doesn't save for retirement.  Maybe start there?  Or when she mentions a trip say 'Tickets would be more than we make in a month/as much as our mortgage' or something like that.  Maybe 'not in the budget' isn't concrete enough.  

I do think that, for people of varying finances in our circles, nobody is wealthy enough that they don't think about budget at all.  There's a difference between not worrying over the exact cost of butter and not caring how much anything costs.  If my monthly budget is $10K and yours is $5K and friend 3's is $20K, we may shop at different places but we all understand the concept of 'can only spend X amount this month'.  Not worrying about it at all is a different thing, and maybe it is possible to lose sight of how few people live like that.  

 

[sassenach]

My friendships are very direct. I would simply say, “hey friend, my dh doesn’t have a trust fund, so when you wonder out loud why we don’t travel more, I have a very hard time understanding what part of the equation you aren’t getting. I love you- you are kind and fun, and I want to spend time with you. But I need you to grow in your awareness of your privilege.”

I don’t have a ton of friends, but my friendships are high quality because I could never smile and nod. 

[BakersDozen]

22 hours ago, Quill said:

What kind of friendship can you have with a person who does not understand this basic fact?

Fortunately, we only see each other once/year and so I have to just get through, with a lot of smiles and a bit of eye-rolling, her 100% oblivious yet super sweet view of things. Were we every day friends and I had to interact with her more than I do, I would not be smiling or laughing. 😉

[Guest]

3 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

Fortunately, we only see each other once/year and so I have to just get through, with a lot of smiles and a bit of eye-rolling, her 100% oblivious yet super sweet view of things. Were we every day friends and I had to interact with her more than I do, I would not be smiling or laughing. 😉

Okay, that makes some sense to me, as I have friends I see infrequently and there are topics (esp. political ones) that I know we see differently and so I don’t delve in/take the bait if she says something I disagree with.
 

However! I do wonder why you would just smile and wave about this basic truth. You have different economic means and priorities. Why should she continue to be merrily oblivious to the realities that 99% of the population must face? It seems to me that a long-time friend is perhaps the *best* person to give her a reality check. You don’t have to be mean about, but why not be honest? 

[KrissiK]

On 1/5/2023 at 8:21 PM, KungFuPanda said:

Is her intelligence below average or is she just rude?

That’s what I was thinking. I have several friends who are wealthy and they are extremely sensitive to the fact that they are in a different income bracket than some of the rest of us. 

[Lady Florida.]

I'm curious. Did she come from money? If not she should truly know that not everyone can live like she does. Did you know each other before she got married? I don't have any advice. I was just wondering if she's always been like this or if time spent around all this money affected her ability to see the real world others live in. 

[TechWife]

On 1/6/2023 at 7:18 AM, pinball said:

I know adults who won’t share things like a container of popcorn or nachos bc they don’t want hands reaching into food they are going to eat

 I have a friend with several kids who brings zip lock type bags to things like this so she can divvy up the large popcorn and everyone has their own bag - she said it eliminates conflict. There are tons of ways to work around this. But, if someone doesn’t have a lot of kids or wasn’t raised in a big family, the common sense of sharing to save on expenses or reduce waste isn’t something that’s on their radar - and that’s okay. 

[katilac]

On 1/6/2023 at 5:35 AM, teachermom2834 said:

As we got concessions and such she eventually said “what is with all the sharing of everything?” It was such a clueless moment. She was so taken aback that I was having my kids share things like a bucket of popcorn and a bag of peanuts. I, in a million years, would have never thought of going up to the concession stand and buying FIVE popcorns for my kids and myself. Just never would have crossed my mind. 

My kids are grown and I'm working more now, so there's more money in the coffer. It would still never occur to me to not share things at the concession stand, lol. 

It makes me nuts to see people buy multiples of everything and then throw half of it away. I see people do it in restaurants as well, which is just jaw-droppingly expensive. Like 5 people in a family do not all need to order an appetizer, adult entrée, and dessert. And leave half or more on the table to be tossed.