Funeral question: Does the gathering/group go to the host's home after the funeral?

[trulycrabby]

A family member passed, and a memorial service will be held at their church. There will be no grave site service or actual burial at this loction. My question is, will the funeral goers expect to gather at the host's home after the funeral service? I am the host, have no experience with these sorts of things, so now Im here asking the wise ones for advice. I'd like to know whether or not I need to organise a post-service spread with food and drink at my house? (Please say no, please say no....)
 

Btw, my former homeschool student, ds19, is doing great at university! We never think the homeschool days end, but they do.

Thanks in advance for any help-funeral etiquette is not my strong suit.

Edited December 23, 2022 by trulycrabby

[Kidlit]

My experience in the Deep South is that a meal post-burial (usually, though could be post-funeral or memorial or whatever) is customary. It is often hosted by the church associated with the death (the deceased's church or the church of a close family member).  Usually, the meal is provided by church "family" and friends in my experience.  

[Faith-manor]

Boy, I think these kinds of traditions can be rather regional as well as religiously linked. So I am just going to speak local to me, and from family culture which is Methodist.

No, the funeral party does not converge upon the host family unless a direct invitation is made. All of the contact is at the funeral/memorial service itself even if there is no graveside service. Many folks put on a luncheon or dinner afterward, but the vast majority of the time, that is held at a church, VFW Hall, Moose Lodge, or restaurant. Rarely is it in a private home.

When my father died, we did have a few out of town guests who stayed over with my mother (no hotels in my county), and so I provided an evening meal at her home.

ETA:

It used to be that a lot of funeral dinners were provided by churches. That has gotten expensive and most of the churches here have discontinued the practice of providing the meal. They expect that the family hires their kitchen committee to cater it or find an outside caterer/vendor. It is a shift from what was the norm a decade ago. But for veterans, the VFW Hall provides the meal without cost though often families make a donation to their funeral fund as a show of thanks to the volunteers.

Edited December 23, 2022 by Faith-manor

[KrissiK]

From my experience, if the funeral is at a church, the “reception” (or what ever you call it) is at the church. If it is not, then it can be at a restaurant or hall. I have been to a lot of funerals and have never gone to a person’s house before.

[Kassia]

I've seen it at the person's home or at a restaurant/hall.  I don't really understand the tradition.  If I'm grieving, I don't want to eat with a big crowd at my home or a restaurant.

 

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

Edited December 23, 2022 by Kassia

[elegantlion]

I am sorry for your loss.

My experience, midwestern US, is that if a service is held at the church, the church generally hosts the event. If the service is held at a funeral home, then someone opens their home. The idea is to make sure guests have some food and space to socialize and remember. 

When my dad passed away, we hosted at my house, but several people brought food - including a tray of sandwiches from Subway. IMO, the type of food is secondary to just having space to catch up and talk with family. 

[TexasProud]

So I have a couple of different experiences:

For most of the ones I have been to,  the church the deceased attended provides a meal, many times somewhere in the church.  The meal is for relatives. 

For my mom, since we did not hold the service at her church, a group of friends brought a meal to mom's house and all of the relatives enjoyed it there. I gave the key to one of the friends and they set up while we greeted friends at the fellowship hall. When we got to the house, they left so we could enjoy time with just the family. 

[TexasProud]

Oh, and my church has a committee just for this purpose.  And we do it, even if the funeral is at the funeral home. 

Edited December 23, 2022 by TexasProud

[kbutton]

Most instances I've seen, the church provides food. Sometimes the meal is at a person's house, but it will still be provided by others. Sometimes there is more than one church--when my grandfather died, his church provided a meal, but my parent's church also dropped off food on the regular for my parents (and other family) to nosh on and share (lots of people came for a long day, overnight, or even several days in that case).

[Faith-manor]

Also, OP, you do you! Seriously. Traditions can be so exhausting to the already grieving, or sometimes they are comforting. Do what is best for your family. If you don't want a dinner afterward, don't have one. If you want to make a direct invitation to a select group of people to eat with you at a specific venue, do that. If you want to be alone, be alone. Done worry about what other people think.

 

Edited December 23, 2022 by Faith-manor

[Kidlit]

I've always found comfort in these types of events.  However, it should be noted, in my adult life I have not lost anyone excepting the very elderly whom I was close to.

[ScoutTN]

In Dh’s family, there has been a gathering/meal for extended family and close friends after the service, usually at at a home since they are not church people. 

[ScoutTN]

3 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

I am sorry for your loss.

My experience, midwestern US, is that if a service is held at the church, the church generally hosts the event. If the service is held at a funeral home, then someone opens their home. The idea is to make sure guests have some food and space to socialize and remember. 

When my dad passed away, we hosted at my house, but several people brought food - including a tray of sandwiches from Subway. IMO, the type of food is secondary to just having space to catch up and talk with family. 

This, exactly.

[happi duck]

Sorry for your loss

I've only seen the house thing in movies.

The funerals I've planned have all gone to a restaurant.  There are restaurants around here that specialize in funeral lunches.

If the service will end at lunchtime then I'd consider ordering in sandwiches and beverages to the church.

You do not have to host at your house.

[regentrude]

12 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I've seen it at the person's home or at a restaurant/hall.  I don't really understand the tradition.  If I'm grieving, I don't want to eat with a big crowd at my home or a restaurant.

 

For many bereaved, it helps them to not be alone right after the funeral and to have the deceased's friends there, talking about the person, and sharing memories. 

My mother would have liked to have a gathering after dad's funeral and was very sad that Covid robbed her of this opportunity to celebrate his memory with the funeral guests .

Edited December 23, 2022 by regentrude

[elegantlion]

3 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I've seen it at the person's home or at a restaurant/hall.  I don't really understand the tradition.  If I'm grieving, I don't want to eat with a big crowd at my home or a restaurant.

 

My mom has a large family, my dad had a large extended family. For us, there were several years where we got together only for funerals (too many in close proximity for a while). Some people traveled far or were staying overnight in hotels.  The get togethers were just to make sure people - mostly family or close friends - had time to sort of mourn/commemorate together. 

When my ex-dh died, we all had dinner out the night before and then a get together at his house afterward  - hosted by his girlfriend. For us, it was also a time of dividing up some of his material goods. Since his family all lived hours away, it was their only chance to pick out things like photos, etc. None of this was contensious, thankfully.  

 

[fraidycat]

Where I am from, it's usually not in a home, but in a rented hall or other large location. It's also not really a meal, but sandwiches and dessert squares, coffee  & juice. Just a light lunch where people can gather, snack, reminisce, and offer condolences.

ETA: I'm sorry for your loss.

Edited December 23, 2022 by fraidycat

[pinball]

22 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Boy, I think these kinds of traditions can be rather regional as well as religiously linked. So I am just going to speak local to me, and from family culture which is Methodist.

No, the funeral party does not converge upon the host family unless a direct invitation is made. All of the contact is at the funeral/memorial service itself even if there is no graveside service. Many folks put on a luncheon or dinner afterward, but the vast majority of the time, that is held at a church, VFW Hall, Moose Lodge, or restaurant. Rarely is it in a private home.

When my father died, we did have a few out of town guests who stayed over with my mother (no hotels in my county), and so I provided an evening meal at her home.

ETA:

It used to be that a lot of funeral dinners were provided by churches. That has gotten expensive and most of the churches here have discontinued the practice of providing the meal. They expect that the family hires their kitchen committee to cater it or find an outside caterer/vendor. It is a shit from what was the norm a decade ago. But for veterans, the VFW Hall provides the meal without cost though often families make a donation to their funeral fund as a show of thanks to the volunteers.

That’s quite a typo but perhaps it’s not

[pinball]

31 minutes ago, trulycrabby said:

A family member passed, and a memorial service will be held at their church. There will be no grave site service or actual burial at this loction. My question is, will the funeral goers expect to gather at the host's home after the funeral service? I am the host, have no experience with these sorts of things, so now Im here asking the wise ones for advice. I'd like to know whether or not I need to organise a post-service spread with food and drink at my house? (Please say no, please say no....)
 

Btw, my former homeschool student, ds19, is doing great at university! We never think the homeschool days end, but they do.

Thanks in advance for any help-funeral etiquette is not my strong suit.

IME, it depends upon the financial means of the family.

Those with less money usually would have a gathering at home, and serve all the food that had been dropped off once friends and family heard about the death. This was usually supplemented with other food and beverages to round out the offering.

those with more money might have something catered at a restaurant or hotel.

[KrissiK]

20 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I've seen it at the person's home or at a restaurant/hall.  I don't really understand the tradition.  If I'm grieving, I don't want to eat with a big crowd at my home or a restaurant.

 

It was helpful for us when my dad died to be with others who loved him, too. We live in the same town both my parents grew up in, so lifetime friends gathered, and newer friends and local relatives. We also got to see relatives who flew in from out of state. Since the church hosted, my mom and I were able to relax and visit without feeling like we needed to make sure everyone was taken care of. 

[trulycrabby]

Thanks for all your help! We are in the south, Methodist congregation, and I turned down the offer for a family meal. I just didn't want any surprises or 100 people showing up at my house with nothing to feed them. 
 

Reading about the various customs has been fascinating! 
 

Funny how some things stick. I haven't had a homeschooling thought since graduation but this site was the first I thought to ask!

[Faith-manor]

3 minutes ago, pinball said:

That’s quite a typo but perhaps it’s not

I fixed it. Typing on kindle is a pain.

[KrissiK]

9 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

Where I am from, it's usually not in a home, but in a rented hall or other large location. It's also not really a meal, but sandwiches and dessert squares, coffee  & juice. Just a light lunch where people can gather, snack, reminisce, and offer condolences.

ETA: I'm sorry for your loss.

Depending on the time of day, it doesn’t have to be a meal. I was recently at a 2:00 funeral and they served coffee and desserts.

[QueenCat]

On my side of the family, it's at the church. Close family will gather at either the deceased's home or another family after everything. 

Most of dh's family does not go to church. Close family and out of town guests (mostly close family and close friends) will gather at the deceased's home or another family member's, depending on whether there are still people living in the home. 

[trulycrabby]

After reading the various replies, I have decided to ask the pastor's wife-she will know the specific customs for this group of people. 
 

BTW I have new respect for ministers' wives,' the one I have been dealing with is an absolute gem. 

Edited December 23, 2022 by trulycrabby

[TechWife]

23 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Oh, and my church has a committee just for this purpose.  And we do it, even if the funeral is at the funeral home. 

Same here. Also true with my mom’s church. They will do it wherever you want it. They set up, provide a hostess if you want one, then a few women return to do the clean up. For my dad’s funeral, it was at the funeral home between the funeral and burial (burial was at the national cemetery an hour away and we had a scheduled time slot, so we used the wait time for a meal). For my mom, we had it at the family home after we returned from the burial (same cemetery, just a different schedule). 

I’ve been to these in different locations, as others have mentioned. Some meals are open to everyone, some are for family only. Do not feel obligated to host. In each case, the minister extended the invitation to the appropriate group at the end of the service.

These are really nice for family and friends who don’t often get to see each other. People who travel for funerals are making unplanned trips, often with limited time, so they are often the only time they have to greet each other and have a very brief visit. For both of my parents, it was amazing as we saw family friends from the neighborhood we had moved away from decades prior - both the adults (our parents friends) and the kids (our friends) came out. I could say more about how special that was, but it would be way off topic. 

[freesia]

Mid-Atlantic experience here (NY, PA, DC, VA). The family had catered finger food at the church. After my grandfather’s funeral in VA, one couple did show up at the house even after the catered meal. We offered them pizza lol. 

[gardenmom5]

it varies.  I've seen the meal afterwards be large and include wider friends, and also only for immediate family.  That can be at someone's home, at the church, or in a private room in a restaurant.   It's not obligatory, but is often helpful for the family members in processing their emotions and being able to share with family.

usually when it's been someone who is part of a religious community, other congregation members will provide food.  Either as a potluck, or more coordinated.  it can still be dropped off at the house before the family meal, or at the church with other people setting it up.  The idea is the family doesn't have to do "work" when they need to be able to visit with each other and process their loss.

hope that made sense.

 

[TechWife]

22 minutes ago, trulycrabby said:

Thanks for all your help! We are in the south, Methodist congregation, and I turned down the offer for a family meal. I just didn't want any surprises or 100 people showing up at my house with nothing to feed them. 
 

Reading about the various customs has been fascinating! 
 

Funny how some things stick. I haven't had a homeschooling thought since graduation but this site was the first I thought to ask!

No one will think a thing if you call back and say you’ve reconsidered the meal, BTW. You decide who comes and where it is, so it can be as small as for your immediate family, IME. If it helps to have someone cook for you, then let them. 

[Kidlit]

I also wanted to add that in my circles (& I can only assume it's true regionally), it is also customary for close friends to bring finger foods (sandwich trays, fruit and veggie trays, etc) to the appropriate home between the death and funeral.  This is to afford the family the space and time to be together and grieve without thinking about meals, etc.

[gardenmom5]

Just now, Kidlit said:

I also wanted to add that in my circles (& I can only assume it's true regionally), it is also customary for close friends to bring finger foods (sandwich trays, fruit and veggie trays, etc) to the appropriate home between the death and funeral.  This is to afford the family the space and time to be together and grieve without thinking about meals, etc.

not just finger food .. .

we once brought a chocolate cheese cake to a large (nine kids) family who had lost their 20something son.  There were some outside adults who were helping to run interference/answering the door/etc..  The adult put the cheesecake aside to make sure mom and dad actually got some. .  .

[fraidycat]

16 minutes ago, Kidlit said:

I also wanted to add that in my circles (& I can only assume it's true regionally), it is also customary for close friends to bring finger foods (sandwich trays, fruit and veggie trays, etc) to the appropriate home between the death and funeral.  This is to afford the family the space and time to be together and grieve without thinking about meals, etc.

This happens here, too. Meat and cheese trays, fruit, veggie trays, buns/rolls, chips, drinks, casseroles, pots of chili, and restaurant gift cards are common.

My mom takes paper plates, disposable cutlery, paper towel or napkins, and an extra pack of toilet paper to families who are grieving and (in non-Covid times) usually have lots of extra people in the house between the death and the funeral, eating all the food.

Edited December 23, 2022 by fraidycat

[Lecka]

I think it is up to preferences.

I have seen meals hosted at church.  They may or may not be more for family members vs church members and friends.

There may or may not be a separate family meal.  

There may or may not be a family meal after the church reception.

There a lot of practicalities here…. 1) is anyone staying with you?  If some out-of-town relatives are staying with you, it will be very natural for there to be a family meal at your home.  If not — it is not natural/expected, but you could if you wanted to

2) do the family members know the church members and/or local attendees — if this is a “hometown/home church” and family members coming into town know all these people — it is natural to have a meal at church.  If — for example, there is a prominent couple in my church right now, who moved here after their children were adults, and their adult children live in different towns than where they grew up.  If one of this couple died — the church would have a meal if the surviving person wanted to (and it would default be expected), but it might be held separately from a family gathering, since no one from church would know the adult children and it would probably be awkward for them.
 

If you don’t plan anything — anyone else is free to invite people to meet somewhere.  This is totally fine I think.  If there are people coming into town — they can make their own plans to a great extent, if there are blank spaces in the schedule.  I think this can work out great, often some people know each other better and maybe the larger group isn’t as connected.  

[Lecka]

There might be a liaison at the church you can ask?  I think if someone was going to offer to do it — maybe you would have heard by now.  But you can definitely ask what is usual at the church.  
 

This is really rough with Covid!!!!!!!  I think it has changed and there are people who used to organize/attend “indoor things with food” who just do not anymore.  

Edited December 23, 2022 by Lecka

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Mid-Atlantic, Methodist congregation that all my grandparents attended.  The small country church put on a funeral dinner after the funeral, usually held in the church basement. Cold cuts, salads, cookies mostly.

My aunt’s husband converted to Catholicism in midlife.  He died fairly young of cancer and had a Catholic service. His wife did not convert and afterward we all kind of hung out in the church basement unsure what to do as we were used to a church dinner. Eventually my great aunt had pizza delivered, but it was kind of awkward.  No one had thought to ask about this church’s traditions.

Edited December 23, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[Lecka]

This is also a rough time of year with people at church having holiday plans, and lots of illness going around.

I don’t think my own church could muster nearly as many people would take a food item and attend a memorial — as would definitely, 100% do this at another time.  

[Bootsie]

IME this is very regional.  In the area I am from it is not customary to have a "reception" after a funeral or burial.  When someone dies people take food to the grieving family's house.  One of the first "tasks" when someone dies is to clean out the refrigerator so that there is room for all of the inflow.  It is assumed that family will be congregating at the house over the next week or so and will want comfort food.  Everything from casseroles to soups to finger sandwiches to pound cakes and cookies are brought--the attitude is that some people who are grieving will want savory food and some people will want sweets, some will be hungry and others want, children may be hungry while adults are busy, so having a variety of items that can be grabbed at any time is important.  This may be done at the deceased person's home, an adult child or sibling's home, or some other family member.  Somehow, in a small town everyone knows the family and which house is the "gathering" place.  Depending upon the time of day of the funeral, the church may provide a meal at the church for the family members.

It was very foreign to me when a member of DH's family died in another state and we went; no one had brought food to the house.  We went to the funeral and burial and then about 20 family members went to a restaurant.  

[Lecka]

So this is another thing — sometimes churches hold funerals for someone with a distant connection and nobody at church knows who they are, and then — the church does not provide food.  Unless someone does have a connection and organizes food.  But it’s not done in the same way — like, there isn’t going to be a meal train for somebody who nobody knows and just happens to be having their funeral .

I think these are often catered.  

Edit:  otoh someone will sponsor/organize the food… the choir, a Sunday School class, someone who volunteers for hospitality (whatever it is called)….  

Edited December 23, 2022 by Lecka

[MercyA]

My church almost always provides a meal after the funeral service, at the church, for anyone who wishes to stay. The kitchen ladies (including me) organize, cook, serve, and clean up the meal. It is our pleasure and privilege to do it. You can definitely ask the church if this is something they customarily provide--just say you've had more time to think about it and weren't sure what your options were.

Sometimes the bereaved will have close family members come to their home after the service and meal, but this is entirely up to them.

It's so good to see you here again, although I wish it were under happier circumstances. I'm very sorry for your loss. This truly is the best place for great advice. ❤️

Edited December 23, 2022 by MercyA

[trulycrabby]

1 minute ago, MercyA said:

My church almost always provides a meal after the funeral service, at the church, for anyone who wishes to stay. The kitchen ladies (including me) organize, cook, serve, and clean up the meal. You can definitely ask the church if this is something they customarily provide--just say you've had more time to think about it and wasn't sure what your options were.

Sometimes the bereaved will have close family members come to their home after the service and meal, but this is entirely up to them.

It's so good to see you here again, although I wish it were under happier circumstances. I'm very sorry for your loss. This truly is the best place for great advice. ❤️

Its nice to "see" you again too! I have decided to ask the pastor's wife-it's the best way to get it right.

Thanks again for all the help! As always, you are all generous with your wisdom!

[Lecka]

Asking the pastor’s wife is a great idea!

[Emba]

Around here (Texas), what usually happens is that the service is held at a church, and then afterwards the family and perhaps friends who have traveled (but not every mourner at the funeral) attend a meal hosted by the church. The bereaved are not expected to provide anything. Afterwards, leftovers from the meal May be taken to the home of the bereaved.

 Now, one time, I saw a funeral given not in a church but in the home of the widow, and afterwards there was a meal given for all mourners, some of which was provided by the widow but some of which was brought by others. This was unusual, and the choice of the widow, definitely not something everyone expected.

[Lecka]

I think I have attended churches where — almost everyone having a funeral is a church member. 
 

But sometimes there is a funeral for someone that is not connected with the church but the family wants a church funeral and not a funeral home.  I think that is different and less common.  

Edited December 23, 2022 by Lecka

[maize]

I've never gone to anyone's home after a funeral.

When a funeral is at a church, I've often seen a "family meal" held at the church (provided by church volunteers) either after the funeral or, if the burial is local and immediately follows the funeral, after the burial. This is typically for extended family and maybe a few specially invited friends. I think that kind of thing varies by region/denomination though.

[Rachel]

My church always hosts a meal for the family. Family doesn’t  do anything other than show up. Often times a very close group of immediate family or super close friends will then go to the house after the funeral.  There is usually food there that other close, but not as close friends have brought. 
 

I’ve lost 2/3 of my grandfathers, it was the same in two different states. One was the week before Christmas in a town of maybe 300 last year. 
 

One of my grandmothers passed back in March, her church has maybe 20 people on a good day. Those church ladies put out so much food for the 40 or so family members I don’t know where it came from. The town is tiny, there isn’t a grocery nearby, I felt very loved.  

 

[Rachel]

Also, I’m very sorry for your loss. Whatever you decide, do what makes you comfortable.

[Laura Corin]

I'm sorry for your loss.

That's how we did it for my mum. For my two uncles' funerals my cousins booked part of a restaurant, however.

Eta - UK experience 

Edited December 23, 2022 by Laura Corin

[Bambam]

I've seen it a variety of ways. 

In smaller towns in the south, the church hosts a funeral meal for the family (organized and food provided by the church members, family just comes, eat, says, "Thank you", and leaves - church family cleans up. Usually leftovers are sent home with the family too).  Sometime the family is small and asks for the meal to be delivered to their house.

In bigger towns,  they often seem to head to a local restaurant (last one was Spring Creek Bar-b-que) and everyone buys their own meal but everyone sits together - often there is a room reserved (not sure who does the room reservation). I suspect someone buys the immediate family's meal, but I'm iffy on that. 

Sometimes the timing is such that a meal just doesn't work.