So...let's call this "Be The Reader's friends, please..." (asked/answered, all done, thank you!)

[TheReader]

****all done --- thanks, everyone, for the input! I really appreciate it!*****
 

 

Okay, so....

cutting out a zillion tiny details that are maybe irrelevant

Recently, while out with some friends from our fencing club, it became apparent that one of the guys (also married) was flirting with me/making comments of a mildly s-xual nature towards me. This was very likely alcohol fueled, but still made me feel uncomfortable (and once the really overt comment was made, I realized several seemingly innocent comments earlier in the evening likely weren't as innocent as I'd thought). DH was present for all of this and actually caught on to the guy's intent sooner than I did. 

Anyway, the part that I'm struggling with -- this guy comes to our same fencing club, and so I'll continue to interact with him on a pretty regular basis. We will have to fence each other, our fencing club has a weekly hang-out time that he often attends (and DH & I do as well, and are not giving that up), and just in general be around him.  Last week he avoided us/we avoided him.....but then yesterday he sent me a friend request on FB (which I denied). 

So now I'm stumped. Do I just chalk it up to "he was drunk and didn't know what he was saying/doing"  (he has always before this come across as quite a family guy)? 

Do I keep my distance (which he and probably others will likely notice)?   

Do I stay cordial and keep it at that?  If any of the folks who notice a shift in my demeanor towards him, ask, what on earth do I answer?   (I mean, can you just say, "well, when we were in NO, he was hitting on me...."?) 

Or, do I convince myself I'm overreacting, he was just kidding around, it meant nothing, just let things go back to normal...? 

 

And *who* do you guys process this kind of stuff with??? because I'd love to sit down with a friend over coffee and hash out all of the specifics of it, this is what was said, is that how you'd take it, what could I have done differently, how would you have responded when.......etc....but I don't think any of my current friends (well, the one who moved out of state) would be good for this. 

And then there's also the whole other issue of how DH responded to all of this, but I think he and I have mostly sorted that out now. But this whole thing made me realize....I need more friends. (my fencing coach is becoming a good friend, but for obvious reasons, I didn't feel she's a good choice here....). 

Thoughts????

 

Edited October 26, 2022 by TheReader

[Jean in Newcastle]

If he was hitting on you to see if you were receptive, then it seems like you've gotten the message across that you aren't.  (And if he continues then you need to come out and say it to him up front, even if it's uncomfortable for you.)  If he's honorable, then he will readjust and will honor boundaries.  If not, then I guess you will just need to avoid him.  The fact that he's avoided you too, tells me, that he might be embarrassed about how he acted and that's actually a good sign.  Hopefully he will just go back to being a fencing friend - but I would be careful not to put myself or him in a position where intentions could be misconstrued. 

Edited October 25, 2022 by Jean in Newcastle
homophones are tricky

[Scarlett]

My best friend’s first husband hit on me. I did not know how to handle it and said nothing. I convinced myself it was nothing. Then he turned out to be a massive cheater.  How I would handle it now?  I would tell his wife.  She might not believe you OR you might be the latest in a string of women he tries to cheat with. Either way I believe she has the right to know.

Secrets thrive in the dark. 

How did your Dh respond?

[vonfirmath]

Does your husband go to fencing club with you?
What was his reaction?

 

If the guy has never flirted like this before and your husband is also there at the club and I REALLY enjoyed fencing club, I'd continue to go and just see how it goes. I know clubs like these are not easy to find.

I'd be prepared to stop it in the tracks if the guy did it again. A dead standstill "STOP" that made it clear I was uninterested even in "joking" that way.

If someone asks you can just tell them "I did not like the way he was treating me" You don't need to explain more than that.

 

 

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

If he was hitting on you to see if you were receptive, then it seems like you've gotten the message across that you aren't.  (And if he continues then you need to come out and say it to him up front, even if it's uncomfortable for you.)  If he's honorable, then he will readjust and will honor boundaries.  If not, then I guess you will just need to avoid him.  The fact that he's avoided you too, tells me, that he might be embarrassed about how he acted and that's actually a good sign.  Hopefully he will just go back to being a fencing friend - but I would be careful not to put myself or him in a position where intentions could be misconstrued. 

It is already known he is not honorable….he is married and hit on a married woman. If he just made a mistake he will not deny it when she tells his wife.

Edited October 25, 2022 by Scarlett

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just now, Scarlett said:

It is already known he is not honorable….he is married and hot on a married woman. If he just made a mistake he will not deny it when she tells his wife.

While I don't disagree with you, alcohol can inhibit normal boundaries and inhibitions.  My advice doesn't change because not all men will ignore boundaries when made clear. 

[Selkie]

It’s odd that he was doing that in front of your dh. Usually, guys like that wait until the dh isn’t around.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Wow, you and your DH fence in a club together? Y’all are so cool lol 

I take these things to the Hive (and have in the past). There’s something about the level of honesty you get here and the variety of opinion? I love variety in opinions 😁

Your DH is there and you have no desire to fan that flame so I think you’re ok? Never be alone with him and be pretty cold to him. Only interact when you have to and give him the minimum if he tries to start convo. If he tries to get you alone or make a move then report back and let us come up with a master plan for you to take him down 😉

 

 

[freesia]

I actually would tell your coach if you and she are getting to be friends. Maybe she can subtly arrange things to keep you apart. 
Otherwise, I know I would just be kind of cold and stand off ish with him. If he doesn’t get the message, or does it again, I think you should tell him verbally to knock it off. 

[skimomma]

I spend a lot of time in bars because two of my family members are gig musicians.  So, despite the fact that I am probably the world's most unwelcoming of this sort of behavior, it does happen from time to time. Alcohol makes people do dumb things sometimes.  I have never had anything actually come of it.  Every time, I either distract and redirect or if I have to, I just say, "Cut it out, I'm not interested."  I usually know the person involved, so it can be awkward.  My guess is the guy is embarrassed and you will never have to deal with it again, even if you both hang out as you normally would in group settings.  I would not do anything different aside from ask your dh to stay nearby the next few times you will be in this sort of setting.  If it happens again, just tell the guy straight up that you are uncomfortable with that sort of talk and ask him to cut it out. 

   

[Grace Hopper]

4 minutes ago, freesia said:

I actually would tell your coach if you and she are getting to be friends. Maybe she can subtly arrange things to keep you apart. 
Otherwise, I know I would just be kind of cold and stand off ish with him. If he doesn’t get the message, or does it again, I think you should tell him verbally to knock it off. 

I would also say something to your coach. If you don’t want to name the guy, you could say that you had been experiencing talk that in the workplace would be deemed sexual-harassment, and you would hope that she would not allow that to prevail in your fencing club. 

[Grace Hopper]

As for dealing with the guy directly…

he says - something inappropriate 

you say - if you said those exact same words in the middle of a meeting with your boss, Or a dinner with your boss and his wife, what would  their response be?

he says - I guess I might get in trouble

you say - well it’s not OK to say things like that to me either (then walk away)

Also, unless I missed it you didn’t really have a lot to say about what your husband thinks about the whole thing. I’m sorry if it caused an argument with him thinking you were encouraging the guy. Otherwise, I’m thinking that your husband is your best confidante  and advisor on how to handle this because it really is an affront to your relationship. And if what your husband really said was, don’t sweat it, it’s just a locker room talk, ignore it? Well then maybe you have more problems then this guy in your fencing club. (Eta Sorry I did not mean that last line to sound so negative, just that you may have to really have conversation/education discussions with your husband before taking it to the gym as a united front.)

The boundaries you set today, with this guy and within your club, will benefit not only you but other women who do eventually join.

Edited October 25, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Tanaqui]

Honestly? I'm leaning towards "Air this publicly with the entire fencing club, because what if this guy is a well-known "missing stair" and you'd all be better off without him".

No whisper network, where you quietly tell the organizer and the organizer quietly keeps you apart and nobody ever knows and he's never called to account for his own actions. No "flirt babysitter" where somebody keeps him from behaving inappropriately with or without alcohol and he never has to manage his own behavior.

He was okay doing this thing in public, around your husband and everybody else, so there is no reason you shouldn't talk about it in public, around everybody.

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html

Now, I'm not saying that he's a raping rapist, like the guy in the link, who's just waiting for a chance to let go of aaaaaaall his barely-contained inhibitions.

But I *am* saying that it's reasonable for you to expect to be able to go to a social event with your husband and not be hit on by somebody who knows you're in a committed monogamous relationship. It's reasonable for you to expect, whether or not you're married, that you'll be able to go to events and not have people making comments of a "mildly s- nature" at you. It is reasonable for you to expect that if alcohol is served at an event, nobody will drink so much that they forget how to behave in public - and if they do drink so much as to make other people uncomfortable, that there will be repercussions.

It is reasonable for you to put your own comfort first.

But if you're not willing to take that step, then I'd definitely at least tell the organizer and also agree with your husband to meet with this man personally and tell him what he did, why it was inappropriate, and that he needs to not do it again - with anybody.

[Tanaqui]

To be clear, I only say you should confront him with your husband because your husband also heard these comments. If it was some random other person, I'd say to go with that person.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not having heard the interactions or seen them, just throwing out another perspective just to think about.  I definitely think that sexual innuendo, double entendre's, outright flirting are wrong and should be shut down hard.  But some people (and I am one of them even as a conservative Christian) have no problems with male/female friendships which can include some totally platonic teasing which is absolutely different from flirting. 

But set the boundaries that feel right for YOU. 

Btw- I wear a ring on a necklace around my neck.  It means a lot to me but it was given to me by a male friend who is not my husband.  Someone asked me about the ring a few months ago and I absentmindedly answered that it was given to me by a man from camp.  The person who asked me about it (in front of my husband) flipped out.  My husband just laughed.  We are both totally comfortable in our marriage and know that we set our own boundaries even for emotional affairs.  (And if you are wondering, I am the Camp Director and the ring was symbolic of the work we are doing at camp.  It has a ministry connotation for me and is not me playing the field.) 

[Scarlett]

I see I am the only one to suggest telling the wife.  If my husband hit on a woman I would want to know.  Wives have the right to knowledge that can affect their decision making ability.  And all of my friends know this about me.  

[TheReader]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

I would also say something to your coach. If you don’t want to name the guy, you could say that you had been experiencing talk that in the workplace would be deemed sexual-harassment, and you would hope that she would not allow that to prevail in your fencing club. 

oh, the fencing coaches would absolutely shut this down if it happened at the club or at a club sanctioned event or anything like that. All of them, not just the female coach. 

I really don't think this is this guy's normal MO although, of course, I could be wrong. 

 

 

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I see I am the only one to suggest telling the wife.  If my husband hit on a woman I would want to know.  Wives have the right to knowledge that can affect their decision making ability.  And all of my friends know this about me.  

I have honestly never even met his wife, so while I do see your point, I have no idea how on earth to even go about that, should I want to. He comes and fences at our club, but his wife has never come.  I suppose I might meet her if we go to a tournament at his club, although not sure.  I'd feel very weird seeking her out just to say "so, when we were all out of town, this happened...." when she's probably never even heard of me. 

[Corraleno]

I would let it go, unless it happens again. If it happens again, I would be very direct: "Your comments are inappropriate. I gave you the benefit of the doubt the first time, but since you've done it again it appears to be intentional, and I'm telling you to stop."

I would absolutely not drag the coach or any other club members into it, that will only cause a lot of drama and headaches for the coach and staff. We had an incident in the small club in our previous state where two guys who had been friends got into an argument and each of them complained to the coach and to other members. The coach and some members refused to take sides, which pissed both men off, and some members did take sides, which caused all kinds of drama and bad feelings. Ultimately both of the guys ended up leaving the club, and one of them took both of his kids with him, and his wife had been one of the most involved volunteers at competitions and fund-raisers, so the coach/owner not only lost revenue but lost important help. All because these two guys couldn't keep their business out of the club. 

Edited October 25, 2022 by Corraleno
typos

[skimomma]

7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I see I am the only one to suggest telling the wife.  If my husband hit on a woman I would want to know.  Wives have the right to knowledge that can affect their decision making ability.  And all of my friends know this about me.  

I'll bite.  If this sort of behavior was coming from a husband of a woman I actually know, then I might consider sharing that with her.  Otherwise, nope.  Why should the OP have to be doubly traumatized from the incident itself and then again by stirring up trouble in a marriage of people she has no relationship with?  Chances are good this is just how the guy is.  He sometimes has a few too many and says stupid stuff to other women.  It might not even be actual interest in the OP but rather "macho talk" or whatever dumb things that gets into drunk guys' heads.  I'd bet the wife already knows this.  I am certainly *not* defending the behavior but it is not like he made a pass at the OP or is stalking her or has continued to harass her.  He said some stupid stuff, the OP did not reciprocate, and it is (hopefully) over.  

[TheReader]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

My best friend’s first husband hit on me. I did not know how to handle it and said nothing. I convinced myself it was nothing. Then he turned out to be a massive cheater.  How I would handle it now?  I would tell his wife.  She might not believe you OR you might be the latest in a string of women he tries to cheat with. Either way I believe she has the right to know.

Secrets thrive in the dark. 

How did your Dh respond?

see below/above for the thing about telling his wife - I've never met her, so that would be weird. 

Dh....so, the thing that happened was this: 

We were in New Orleans for a tournament. After the tournament, everyone from our club went out to dinner together. Then after dinner, all the grown-ups without kids present all went out to various piano bars, etc. together. In the course of the evening, a couple of comments were made that could have been innocent, or not. Then at the piano bar, we're all singing along to songs together (the whole group) (I was the only female) and at one point, the guy points at me in the course of the song.  I, being clueless, point back at him, thinking we're just goofing off.  Apparently he was not just goofing off. 

So, DH at that point was pretty upset with me, for encouraging this flirting that I as of yet did not realize was happening. Up to that point, I just thought "group of friends, all being goofy, hanging out, etc."   

As we left that place and walked to the next place, we passed a person wearing a skin tight red body suit. Guy says "Oooh, Reader, you should get an outfit like that!"  which was the overt comment I mentioned. So, not down right "hey, let's go back to my place" or anything like that, but a definite vibe of "I'm completely envisioning you in that right now..." which made me uncomfortable. So I replied, "ummm, I think you should tell *your wife* to get an outfit like that if you like it, and I will let *my husband* pick out what he wants to see *me* in....."   Dude followed up with, "Oh, sure; Reader's Husband, what color do you pick?? Blue...? Purple?" (still with a very "but I'm totally envisioning her in it either way" kind of vibe). DH ignored him and did not respond.

I kept my distance the rest of the night, realized that the earlier "could have been innocent or not" comments probably weren't, pondered the fact that the dude I thought was an upstanding family man, wasn't, but the dude I thought was a massive drunk and not someone I'd want to be around while he is drinking turned out to be a bigger gentleman than the so-called family guy, and isn't it fascinating what alcohol shows you about people.

DH and I sorted out the whole thing about him being annoyed with *me* for this guys behavior, (I mean, he also was/is mad at the guy, more than at me, but the song bit annoyed him with me as well as the dude), and all of that is fine now. 

And I thought ignoring the guy was good, but then got the Facebook friend request from him yesterday, so now I'm wondering.....

[Tanaqui]

Corraleno, are you suggesting that one member harassing at least one other member is the same as two members "having an argument"?

[TheReader]

2 hours ago, vonfirmath said:

Does your husband go to fencing club with you?
What was his reaction?

 

If the guy has never flirted like this before and your husband is also there at the club and I REALLY enjoyed fencing club, I'd continue to go and just see how it goes. I know clubs like these are not easy to find.

I'd be prepared to stop it in the tracks if the guy did it again. A dead standstill "STOP" that made it clear I was uninterested even in "joking" that way.

If someone asks you can just tell them "I did not like the way he was treating me" You don't need to explain more than that.

 

 

Oh, yes, we fence together; I'm not ever at the club w/o DH, and I mean, we're pretty obviously a pair. And this guy is not always there. And I'm not looking for a new club. 

I can't imagine that, in the absence of alcohol, bars, New Orleans, etc. it will ever happen again.  I just am not sure how to relax and be cordial to him again. We used to, at the weekly social thing, sit with him, chat about vacations we've taken, talk about our kids, trips we want to take, etc.  I cannot picture talking to him like that anymore, and am just not sure if he will call me out on it at some point -- "hey, you never sit with me anymore? what's up?"   (ummm, dude, you made me wildly uncomfortable, remember...?) 

I am definitely in the camp of -- this really doesn't need to be dragged out in public/cause drama. Not unless it repeats or something. Which I doubt. 

[Corraleno]

2 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

Corraleno, are you suggesting that one member harassing at least one other member is the same as two members "having an argument"?

I think someone making a drunken comment that another person would look good in a red jumpsuit, while both parties are out socializing in bars, has absolutely nothing to do with the fencing coach and it's wrong to drag her into it.

[TheReader]

2 hours ago, Selkie said:

It’s odd that he was doing that in front of your dh. Usually, guys like that wait until the dh isn’t around.

This guy is....hmmm....the kind of guy who's pretty boasty, if that makes sense. So it actually does fit with his personality that he'd do this as a sort of flex or something, trying to get to my DH (which he definitely did). 

2 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Wow, you and your DH fence in a club together? Y’all are so cool lol 

I take these things to the Hive (and have in the past). There’s something about the level of honesty you get here and the variety of opinion? I love variety in opinions 😁

Your DH is there and you have no desire to fan that flame so I think you’re ok? Never be alone with him and be pretty cold to him. Only interact when you have to and give him the minimum if he tries to start convo. If he tries to get you alone or make a move then report back and let us come up with a master plan for you to take him down 😉

 

 

Ha! Yes we do. It's a lot of fun; I highly recommend it. 

I like your advice, and appreciate the back-up in case it happens again 😉

1 hour ago, skimomma said:

I spend a lot of time in bars because two of my family members are gig musicians.  So, despite the fact that I am probably the world's most unwelcoming of this sort of behavior, it does happen from time to time. Alcohol makes people do dumb things sometimes.  I have never had anything actually come of it.  Every time, I either distract and redirect or if I have to, I just say, "Cut it out, I'm not interested."  I usually know the person involved, so it can be awkward.  My guess is the guy is embarrassed and you will never have to deal with it again, even if you both hang out as you normally would in group settings.  I would not do anything different aside from ask your dh to stay nearby the next few times you will be in this sort of setting.  If it happens again, just tell the guy straight up that you are uncomfortable with that sort of talk and ask him to cut it out. 

   

Okay, this is helpful too. I really can't imagine it happening again, just due to the setting and all. 

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

As for dealing with the guy directly…

he says - something inappropriate 

you say - if you said those exact same words in the middle of a meeting with your boss, Or a dinner with your boss and his wife, what would  their response be?

he says - I guess I might get in trouble

you say - well it’s not OK to say things like that to me either (then walk away)

Also, unless I missed it you didn’t really have a lot to say about what your husband thinks about the whole thing. I’m sorry if it caused an argument with him thinking you were encouraging the guy. Otherwise, I’m thinking that your husband is your best confidante  and advisor on how to handle this because it really is an affront to your relationship. And if what your husband really said was, don’t sweat it, it’s just a locker room talk, ignore it? Well then maybe you have more problems then this guy in your fencing club. (Eta Sorry I did not mean that last line to sound so negative, just that you may have to really have conversation/education discussions with your husband before taking it to the gym as a united front.)

The boundaries you set today, with this guy and within your club, will benefit not only you but other women who do eventually join.

this is helpful as well. I appreciate the scripted replies, just in case. 

I added the stuff about my dh upthread. He is of the opinion we just ignore the guy, but in talking through the....emotions? feelings? ick-ness? of the event, he'd really rather I not keep bringing it up, so, you guys. 

[TheReader]

1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

Honestly? I'm leaning towards "Air this publicly with the entire fencing club, because what if this guy is a well-known "missing stair" and you'd all be better off without him".

No whisper network, where you quietly tell the organizer and the organizer quietly keeps you apart and nobody ever knows and he's never called to account for his own actions. No "flirt babysitter" where somebody keeps him from behaving inappropriately with or without alcohol and he never has to manage his own behavior.

He was okay doing this thing in public, around your husband and everybody else, so there is no reason you shouldn't talk about it in public, around everybody.

http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html

Now, I'm not saying that he's a raping rapist, like the guy in the link, who's just waiting for a chance to let go of aaaaaaall his barely-contained inhibitions.

But I *am* saying that it's reasonable for you to expect to be able to go to a social event with your husband and not be hit on by somebody who knows you're in a committed monogamous relationship. It's reasonable for you to expect, whether or not you're married, that you'll be able to go to events and not have people making comments of a "mildly s- nature" at you. It is reasonable for you to expect that if alcohol is served at an event, nobody will drink so much that they forget how to behave in public - and if they do drink so much as to make other people uncomfortable, that there will be repercussions.

It is reasonable for you to put your own comfort first.

But if you're not willing to take that step, then I'd definitely at least tell the organizer and also agree with your husband to meet with this man personally and tell him what he did, why it was inappropriate, and that he needs to not do it again - with anybody.

I'd love if you would read the follow-up I posted later on/up thread and see if you still think this all applies. Your response makes me wonder if I'm mislabeling what happened, or misrepresenting it, or overreacting b/c of my DH's reaction, or......anyway, now that I've described it, I'd love to hear your take again, whether it changes or not. 

[Grace Hopper]

12 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I think someone making a drunken comment that another person would look good in a red jumpsuit, while both parties are out socializing in bars, has absolutely nothing to do with the fencing coach and it's wrong to drag her into it.

Reader’s full description does kind of cast a different light on the scenario. I was under the impression his inappropriate comments came at the club or during club/sport sanctioned events. At the point this happened, it was just… party time. 
 

If the guy were to continue his advances at the club, then I might eventually want to tell the club staff. 
 

I don’t think the guy sending you a friend request is a good sign, though. If he were truly embarrassed about statements made while inebriated, he’d not likely be reaching out on a social media platform which could open the door to him being called out in “public.” So have your sound byte/nip it in the bud statement ready to go next time you see him. 

[Tanaqui]

24 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I think someone making a drunken comment that another person would look good in a red jumpsuit, while both parties are out socializing in bars, has absolutely nothing to do with the fencing coach and it's wrong to drag her into it.

Neither you nor I had seen that clarification when you posted, and I hadn't seen it when I replied.

It does sound less outre the way she's written it than I pictured - but it's still not okay, and for all we know he's the sort of person who escalates - starts out small, sees what he can get away with, and keeps pushing.

If nothing else, she still really has to tell him what he did, that it's not okay, and that it can't happen again.

Edited October 25, 2022 by Tanaqui

[skimomma]

9 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

I don’t think the guy sending you a friend request is a good sign, though. If he were truly embarrassed about statements made while inebriated, he’d not likely be reaching out on a social media platform which could open the door to him being called out in “public.” So have your sound byte/nip it in the bud statement ready to go next time you see him. 

Yeah.  That part bothers me too.  I would not like that.  There is a *slight* possibility that he was trying to connect to apologize but I certainly would not accept that friend request!

Edited October 25, 2022 by skimomma

[Jaybee]

If any comments come again, I'd make a clear and concise response that deals with it head on. I don't like innuendos, etc. So as hard as it is to do so sometimes, I'd do the previous poster's "cut it out" with a direct look. Or "Stop it with the comments." A short statement that makes my intent clear. I once had a boss that did something that made me uncomfortable. I hesitated a few minutes about how to handle it. Then I clearly and directly said, "I don't like _____." He was so embarrassed and apologized, and "I didn't mean ____." And I said, "I know you didn't, but I want you to know I didn't like it." And we dropped it and that was that. He was kind of an old school type guy who didn't realize how patronizing he could come across. I like to think that he has never done that kind of thing again--stopping himself and realizing he could get himself in major trouble if he weren't careful. It was a kindness, actually.

[Carol in Cal.]

I’d shut him down if he ever does it again.  Definitely not accept a friend request on facebook.

How I would shut him down:

I might say, “Enough.  I’m happily married, and I intend to stay that way.”

Or

”Oh grow up.  Don’t talk to me like this, ever.”

 

[TheReader]

10 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Reader’s full description does kind of cast a different light on the scenario. I was under the impression his inappropriate comments came at the club or during club/sport sanctioned events. At the point this happened, it was just… party time. 
 

If the guy were to continue his advances at the club, then I might eventually want to tell the club staff. 
 

I don’t think the guy sending you a friend request is a good sign, though. If he were truly embarrassed about statements made while inebriated, he’d not likely be reaching out on a social media platform which could open the door to him being called out in “public.” So have your sound byte/nip it in the bud statement ready to go next time you see him. 

Oh, gosh, no. I did not mean to imply or give the impression it had happened at the club or at a sanctioned event. Had it done so, yea, that would fall under Safe Sport, and I'd go to the coaches w/o hesitation. 

No, this was all during socializing time, in New Orleans, etc. and really the culmination of all the various comments throughout the evening were probably what made the red jumpsuit comment so uncomfortable (it had started off with a reference to Aerosmith/"Love in an Elevator" when we all got in an elevator together, then a comment asking whether I was a morning person or not, with a wink/nod sort of comment after that suggested he was really asking whether I was up for certain activities in the mornings, or not, then trying to walk with me as we walked place to place, between me/my husband (or dropping back to walk with me if my husband pulled ahead), then the piano bar, then the red jumpsuit comment....so, all together, it was...uncomfortable.  But I didn't meant to misrepresent. 

[Rosie_0801]

I'd be pissed with dh for giving Creeper permission to keep creeping, which he did by not shutting him down over his colour choice.

I'd avoid Creeper until he was unavoidable, then if he or anyone else called me on it I'd put a 'just smelled something bad' face and say I didn't like him any more because he was hitting on me.

[Wheres Toto]

Honestly, given the details provided, I would just let it go at this point.  It was inappropriate but I don't think it hit the point of propositioning you.  I'd ignore his friend request, not be overly friendly at the club, make sure dh was always there with me, and shut down hard anything that even hints at flirting.  

But other than that, stop dwelling on it and let it go.  

[LMD]

I would never be alone with him, nor would I go anywhere where he was drinking.

I wouldn't have buddy buddy chats with him at the club anymore. He blurred those lines, continued it (with the fb request) he needs a clear and cold boundary.

If he 'calls you on it' (on what? Having boundaries?) I'd have a couple of lines ready. "If you want buddies to chat to, my husband is over there." "I'm not interested in friends who think alcohol allows them to treat me like you did." "We aren't friends, we were friendly until you disrespected me and my marriage." I wouldn't get into the weeds with explanations, I would just make it extremely clear that you are not a soft target. 

[Ausmumof3]

I’d keep going to the fencing club but avoid going out for drinks at bars etc afterwards. The guy sounds creepy.

[73349]

I would avoid him any time alcohol is part of socializing in the future, and if he or anybody else asked about it, I'd tell them simply that he's a creep when he's been drinking. (I wouldn't take any other steps right now.)

Edited October 25, 2022 by 73349

[Catwoman]

50 minutes ago, Wheres Toto said:

Honestly, given the details provided, I would just let it go at this point.  It was inappropriate but I don't think it hit the point of propositioning you.  I'd ignore his friend request, not be overly friendly at the club, make sure dh was always there with me, and shut down hard anything that even hints at flirting.  

But other than that, stop dwelling on it and let it go.  

I agree. I probably wouldn't have given the whole thing a second thought, to be honest. Your dh was there the entire time. It's not like the guy got you alone somewhere and made a pass at you. He was probably just drunk and thinking he was being entertaining, and it's highly unlikely he meant anything by it (because if he did, he would have waited to say anything to you until your dh wasn't around.)

I'm not saying his behavior was right; he sounds like an immature idiot. I'm just saying I wouldn't let it bother me unless he says anything more in the future.

If you want to be annoyed with someone, get annoyed with your dh for not shutting the guy down himself. If he was upset about what the guy was saying to you, he should have said something to the guy.

[JustEm]

I'd likely just chalk it up to him testing the waters while drunk and not worry about it unless he continued. if it continued I'd very bluntly say in front of whoever was around that comments like those aren't appropriate and to please stop. 

I do have 2 close friends other than dh that I could talk to this about. But I'd also talk to dh about it.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, skimomma said:

I'll bite.  If this sort of behavior was coming from a husband of a woman I actually know, then I might consider sharing that with her.  Otherwise, nope.  Why should the OP have to be doubly traumatized from the incident itself and then again by stirring up trouble in a marriage of people she has no relationship with?  Chances are good this is just how the guy is.  He sometimes has a few too many and says stupid stuff to other women.  It might not even be actual interest in the OP but rather "macho talk" or whatever dumb things that gets into drunk guys' heads.  I'd bet the wife already knows this.  I am certainly *not* defending the behavior but it is not like he made a pass at the OP or is stalking her or has continued to harass her.  He said some stupid stuff, the OP did not reciprocate, and it is (hopefully) over.  

With her added details I might not tell the wife either.  However the bolded gets to me because a person telling about bad behavior isn’t the one stirring up trouble.  HE is the one causing trouble and his wife may or may not know about it.

So are you saying you would not want to know?

[TheReader]

34 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I agree. I probably wouldn't have given the whole thing a second thought, to be honest. Your dh was there the entire time. It's not like the guy got you alone somewhere and made a pass at you. He was probably just drunk and thinking he was being entertaining, and it's highly unlikely he meant anything by it (because if he did, he would have waited to say anything to you until your dh wasn't around.)

I'm not saying his behavior was right; he sounds like an immature idiot. I'm just saying I wouldn't let it bother me unless he says anything more in the future.

If you want to be annoyed with someone, get annoyed with your dh for not shutting the guy down himself. If he was upset about what the guy was saying to you, he should have said something to the guy.

re: the first part, it was more the cumulation of all the things just creeped me out. 

re: the last/bolded, I did, and we discussed it sufficiently, and he knows better now 🙂 

[Katy]

So my answer would depend on where in the country you live.  If you're in the South or the southern Midwest, I'd be more inclined to pretend it didn't happen until he does something like that again, when I would publicly say something like, "Be good" or "Dream on," depending on how annoyed I was.  If you live on the coasts, New England, or the Pacific NW I'd be far more likely to say something like, "Fu*% off!"

 

ETA:  I'm not sure I would have to say anything though, because DH would have got in his face about it before I noticed unless he thought the guy was a complete tool and his behavior was amusing.

Edited October 26, 2022 by Katy

[Katy]

Oh yeah, and in this particular instance there is no one better to talk to about it than DH. 

And bragging guys sometimes succeed with women by pure virtue of constantly hitting on large numbers of women, but they are ALWAYS a disappointment.  If they were confident or capable they would have no need to brag about anything. So my attitude towards this guy would likely be sad rather than creepy.  But YMMV.

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, TheReader said:

re: the first part, it was more the cumulation of all the things just creeped me out. 

re: the last/bolded, I did, and we discussed it sufficiently, and he knows better now 🙂 

I definitely won't discount your feeling that it was creepy -- it's easy for me to say it was no big deal, but I wasn't there and some people give off a creepy vibe even when they're not actually saying anything that's all that bad. It's something about the look in their eyes or their tone that sets off the red flags. 

I'm glad you talked it over with your dh. In the end, it's how the two of you feel about it that matters -- and you also need to feel confident that your dh will be proactive if he sees the guy approach you again (even if it's just to walk over and stand next to you, to make sure the guy doesn't get any ideas.) Realistically though, it's most likely that everything will be fine unless the guy gets drunk again at another event, because when he's sober, he's probably a lot more careful about what he says.

[TravelingChris]

It is one thing to say something when drunk.  However, following up with a facebook request is really dumb.

[KidsHappen]

Following up with the FB request feels much more aggressive than what happened previous to that. My concern would be stalking. I would at this point just let things be and avoid contact with him. If he says or does anything else inappropriate I would make a clearly worded statement that you are not interested and wish to have no further contact with him and then (very important) don't. Keep track of any further contact he tries to initiate in case you do need to file for a restraining order. I don't think that there is a high likelyhood of this actually being a problem but best to be alert to the possibility.

[katilac]

6 hours ago, TheReader said:

Oh, yes, we fence together; I'm not ever at the club w/o DH, and I mean, we're pretty obviously a pair. And this guy is not always there. And I'm not looking for a new club. 

I can't imagine that, in the absence of alcohol, bars, New Orleans, etc. it will ever happen again.  I just am not sure how to relax and be cordial to him again. We used to, at the weekly social thing, sit with him, chat about vacations we've taken, talk about our kids, trips we want to take, etc.  I cannot picture talking to him like that anymore, and am just not sure if he will call me out on it at some point -- "hey, you never sit with me anymore? what's up?"   (ummm, dude, you made me wildly uncomfortable, remember...?) 

I am definitely in the camp of -- this really doesn't need to be dragged out in public/cause drama. Not unless it repeats or something. Which I doubt. 

Why can't you just talk to him and tell him it made you uncomfortable? You did a good job setting your boundaries at the time, but there's no reason you can't follow up with something like: Can we talk for a minute? When we were in NOLA, you said thus and so, and I wanted to let you know that it really made me uncomfortable. 

And he may react with a genuine apology and a promise to sin no more, in which case you've saved a friendly relationship that sounds like it's been pretty positive before this. Or he may react like a defensive jerk, in which case he will know exactly why you don't sit next to him anymore. 

The overall interaction is not something that would likely bother me at all, but you are not me, and it is perfectly fine to tell him it made you uncomfortable and that you don't like that type of remark. Give him the benefit of assuming that he did not intend to bother you, and give him the knowledge to know not to do so in future. 

You know him, you generally get along with him, so just talk to him. 

[SKL]

When I've been hit on by married guys, I generally say "you're married" or "I thought you were married."  If I was also married, I'd say "I'm happily married, thank you."  Or in a case where time has passed since he made his comments, just make a point to mention your dear husband and kids doing stuff together & make reference to him doing stuff with his family.  I think that should make it clear enough that you don't appreciate his advances, without having to awkwardly say so.  Though, if he's too dense, you might have to eventually say it outright.

Hopefully he will stop acting stupid and you can both just pretend nothing ever happened.  I'd keep him at arm's length in any social situations.  If he acts appropriately in fencing class, there's no need to change anything.  If he acts inappropriately in fencing class, after you've been clear that you aren't interested, I think you'd be justified in telling the teacher and getting him kicked out.

[Eos]

13 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

At the point this happened, it was just… party time. 

This doesn't sit with me.  Because:

12 hours ago, TheReader said:

the culmination of all the various comments throughout the evening were probably what made the red jumpsuit comment so uncomfortable (it had started off with a reference to Aerosmith/"Love in an Elevator" when we all got in an elevator together, then a comment asking whether I was a morning person or not, with a wink/nod sort of comment after that suggested he was really asking whether I was up for certain activities in the mornings, or not, then trying to walk with me as we walked place to place, between me/my husband (or dropping back to walk with me if my husband pulled ahead), then the piano bar, then the red jumpsuit comment

Yuck.  Agree with your feelings that he is a creep and was seeing how far he could go, culminating in a friend request.  Tell him in front of your dh and a few other folks at the club, casually yet clearly, that you didn't take his friend request because you didn't like the way he acted when you were all out drinking together.  

[JustEm]

I read your additional info about what the guy did and I'll add this... We have a group of friends, who if comments like that were made wouldn't be seen as anything flirtatious. But no one person would get all those comments targeted at them. It'd be a comment to someone but really meant for the whole group to jest about. And it wouldn't just be women getting those comments made to them.

But outside of the select group of friends any of those comments would have been seen as flirtatious and wouldn't have sat well with me or dh. And we'd be distancing ourselves from that person other than being kind. And if they were ever to question what the change was about I'd have no problem saying I felt they crossed a line while drunk and were disrespectful to me, my dh, and my marriage.

[Teaching3bears]

What you described does not exactly sound like flirting to me.  It is more like rude, demeaning, harassing behaviour and would be inappropriate whether you were married or not.  Women should not be spoken to like that by a drunk imbecile whether married or not.   I would stay away from this man and maybe warn other women at the club about him.  Maybe eventually he will be shunned at social events and stop attending.