Can you "put on a smile"?

[happi duck]

I wasn't sure how to phrase this.  What I mean is can you, when needed, change your demeanor?  For example, I record lessons for my job.  If I'm feeling lousy I can still put on a smile and use a pleasant voice in order to get my recording done.  My late mom could be in the middle of chaos but if the phone needed to be answered she answered with a pleasant "hello?". If I'm having a panic attack dd can choose to speak calmly to me.

Is this a super power that the women in my family possess? Lol!

I thought most people can do this when needed but dh says he literally can't.  

BTW, I don't mean denying emotions or faking it through life.  I mean short term ability to respond in a way that is a little more up or light compared to how you feel. 

 

 

[regentrude]

Do it all.the.time. As soon as I start my lecture, I turn into this cheerful, energetic, smiley, encouraging person.
Even though I was seething with anger and pondering rage quitting when I walked into the classroom and see, once again, that two thirds of my students don't give a crap about their fellow humans and ignore my pleas to wear masks.

I couldn't do my job if I didn't have this ability. Most folks I know can do this. Not a rare superpower. But never needed it soo much as during the plague.

Edited January 27, 2022 by regentrude

[Jean in Newcastle]

Of course.  But the aspies I know have a harder time with it and might not be able to do it at all. 

[Arcadia]

For my side and my husband’s side of the family, we were taught from young to “put on a smile” because that’s the polite thing to do. 

[Katy]

I think in most cases women are better at this than men.  Possibly as a method of survival in abusive situations, and possibly because even when you're deeply upset about something else in life, you don't necessarily want to communicate details or anything else to children.

[Sneezyone]

I can, as a function of a toxic abuse dynamic, but largely choose not to. I value politesse a lot less than frankness and authenticity.

[marbel]

Sure, I do it all the time at work, and to a lesser degree in other situations. I have seen others do it too, including my husband. Honestly I think most people with any sort of job have to do it sometimes, though of course it's not limited to work situations. 

[Spryte]

Sure. But this:

4 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

I can, as a function of a toxic abuse dynamic, but largely choose not to. I value politesse a lot less than frankness and authenticity.

is more where I fall.

[JustEm]

I can do it but often choose not to. If I'm in a professional setting but in an awful mood I will interact with people in a friendly manner but I don't view that as faking it because I can be friendly even when I myself am not happy. 

If I'm at home or with other loved ones I let them know that I'm not in a particularly good mood so to expect me to either not be very active in Convo or just walk away to be myself if I need it.

[regentrude]

11 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

 I value politesse a lot less than frankness and authenticity.

oh absolutely - but it's not a luxury most people have if they want to remain employed 🙂

[plaidpants]

I am a very shy, reserved person who used to work a public facing informal education job.

I have a persona for that. Depending on which assignment it is, sometimes I'd drawl more or use particular stories and movements.

I have one for "family gathering" too. Or like "work, and I have to be social".

[JustEm]

My dh is really good at it but only really does at work because he's interacting with people all day and can't really wear his emotions on his sleeves in front of them.

[Sneezyone]

4 minutes ago, regentrude said:

oh absolutely - but it's not a luxury most people have if they want to remain employed 🙂

Meh...there's a line between being actively hostile and not 'smiling' and 'nodding' as a reflex. I've done pretty well navigating that line. It's not easy but it can be done. When I'm happy, people know I'm happy. When I'm not, no words need be said. LOL. I lived too may years as a doormat and refuse/d to do that at work too.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Sneezyone

[HomeAgain]

Yes.  It's called compartmentalizing our emotions over here, reacting to each scenario with the appropriate message in feeling and delivery.

Dh and I both do it just fine.  Our kids, not so much yet.  They just don't have that maturity yet.

[Jenny in Florida]

Yep, I think of it as the actor I wanted to be when I was a kid coming out when needed.

Years of working customer service jobs and doing tutoring/teaching/training have made this something I can click into on demand.

[regentrude]

3 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Meh...there's a line between being actively hostile and not 'smiling' and 'nodding' as a reflex. I've done pretty well navigating that line. It's not easy but it can be done. When I'm happy, people know I'm happy. When I'm not, no words need be said. LOL. I lived too may years as a doormat and refuse/d to do that at work too.

you had specifically said "frankness". Who gets to exercise frankness with their opinion about clients, customers, bosses etc? There's no line there - it's shut up and deliver.  

[Sneezyone]

25 minutes ago, regentrude said:

you had specifically said "frankness". Who gets to exercise frankness with their opinion about clients, customers, bosses etc? There's no line there - it's shut up and deliver.  

No, it's not. My bosses have appreciated my frankness precisely because so many are willing to tell them what they want to hear and not what they need to know. Unpleasant realities can be delivered frankly and without offense. I will say that my experience is in politics/government where shining people on is common and frankness is unexpected and, often, refreshing. I've had people ask me, directly, about my reasons for leaving a job (the boss) where I explained in abstract terms that there was nothing they could do to make me stay working for that man. The man was later fired. This is a thing. When I met with Gov. Beebe and he asked me about our project (re: misrepresentations and collusion between industry and his high-level apppointees), I related what I knew and he grinned from ear to ear (it was a GOOD day!). Seriously, the higher you go, the less honesty there is. I feel like men don't share these concerns for propriety and manners. They routinely act like jack holes with impunity at work. Doing it in less subtle ways as a woman is no different in terms of gaining respect and credibility. 

Edited January 27, 2022 by Sneezyone

[bolt.]

I can, under most of my "ordinary" adverse circumstances and moods. However there are times where I am *well* beyond that stage -- completely gripped in anger or sadness, and not even a visit from the Queen of England could help me find my dignity.

For men, as I understand things, denial and suppression of emotions can be an everyday skill that they don't even think of as a skill. Many men (and not only men, but it has been studied in men) don't notice themselves doing it, remain unaware of their emotional lives, and consider this stoicism to be an aspect of both their gender and their personality.

If this is the case men are already/often/always doing a version of 'putting on a smile'. Perhaps by the time they notice that things are off for them, things are *way* off, and past that point of being controllable by temporary fakery. Asking the question "where on the scale of emotional intensity are you" when you find that you can / can't 'put on a smile' -- could reveal the common ground. (For example, when he *can* put on a better demeanor, he already always does that, so when you are asking him is when he's already finding that he can't.)

On the other hand, they say about family violence that one way to notice that abuse is abuse (as opposed to a mental health issue with collateral damage) is when an abuser can instantly turn off the rage (ie to answer the phone or the door). That situation definitely applies to men, and would be worth exploring.

[MEmama]

Yes. I think women in particular are trained early to do this. We are expected to perform. 
 

I have never, ever seen a man fake “smileiness”. If they are mad, they seem mad. If they are ambivalent, they come off that way. A woman who appears merely neutral is labeled a bitch, the same is not true for a man. 

[Indigo Blue]

This is not my super power. Thank goodness I don’t have to be in situations where it is necessary. I don’t take things out on others, but, generally, that would be hard for me. 
 

 

[Grace Hopper]

I can put on a pleasant voice. I can use words carefully. But I have a terrible no good poker face. 

[Indigo Blue]

I used to try, though. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I can’t pretend to like someone, either. 
 

Editing to say: A person with whom I have to be careful what I say and do….well, I CAN make myself only discuss certain things, don’t disagree, don’t correct, do be boring, etc. But that’s hard, too. This may not be the sort of thing the OP is talking about, though.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[DreamerGirl]

My social face is polite and professional depending on the situation.

But my smile is reserved only for when I want to. I am not a naturally smily person. When I smile, it is because it happens.  When I feel pressured it comes out like a smirk. Not exactly friendly.

I like masking  because I don't always have to smile. But I find I smile more now and it is a genuine as it crinkles my eyes. 

[rebcoola]

Yes though I don't have to often.  DH is good at it to.

[MEmama]

Just now, DreamerGirl said:

 

I like masking  because I don't always have to smile. But I find I smile more now and it is a genuine as it crinkles my eyes. 

Masks are a godsend. I hope to always wear them. I haven’t had a man tell me to smile on demand for two years. It’s freedom. 

[plaidpants]

17 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

Yep, I think of it as the actor I wanted to be when I was a kid coming out when needed.

Years of working customer service jobs and doing tutoring/teaching/training have made this something I can click into on demand.

I never wanted to be an actor but I definitely learned a lot from the theatre kids I've worked with!

[J-rap]

Yes, I do it.  But I don't see it as not being authentic.  For example, I can be very upset about something, and then run into someone I'm genuinely happy to see so I smile.  Most of the time, just running into anyone at all, even a stranger in the elevator, makes me happy inside so I smile even when I'm otherwise feeling rotten.

If it were someone I was actually upset with, I wouldn't feel like smiling and wouldn't.  Likewise, if I was going through something so terrible that my heart was breaking, I most likely wouldn't be able to smile unless my job required it.  Like if I was on live TV giving the news.

 

[Pam in CT]

Self-control / ability to put on a game face when required is powerful, and important, but I don't think it meets the exalted standard of "superpower."

Definitely agree that basic self-control / ability to put on a game face is a cultural expectation of women, and so the skill is more cultivated and common among women.

Also agree that basic self-control / ability to put on a game face is a job requirement in certain contexts -- teaching, definitely among those contexts.  Other employment contexts may not demand as much.

 

Also agree that there's a distinction between self-control / ability to put on a game face when required, vs expectation of smiley good cheer / nurturing / borderline-flirtation (like forex waitresses are culturally expected to be)

12 minutes ago, MEmama said:

...I have never, ever seen a man fake “smileiness”. If they are mad, they seem mad. If they are ambivalent, they come off that way. A woman who appears merely neutral is labeled a bitch, the same is not true for a man. 

 

I also see a distinction between self-control (which I value highly) vs "frankness" (which I *also* value highly).  The one does not preclude the other.  But to manage both simultaneously is sometimes to walk on a knife edge.

27 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

Meh...there's a line between being actively hostile and not 'smiling' and 'nodding' as a reflex. I've done pretty well navigating that line. It's not easy but it can be done. When I'm happy, people know I'm happy. When I'm not, no words need be said. LOL. I lived too may years as a doormat and refuse/d to do that at work too.

And *that* may indeed be something of a superpower, LOL.

 

But I think it goes beyond the "can you put on a smile" of the OP.

[regentrude]

14 minutes ago, DreamerGirl said:

I like masking  because I don't always have to smile. 

I find it so much more effort to project that I am smiling when I am wearing a mask. After a few hours, my face muscles hurts, because I have to exaggerate my smiling so that it shows above the mask.

[Pam in CT]

re the freedom enabled by masks

12 minutes ago, MEmama said:

Masks are a godsend. I hope to always wear them. I haven’t had a man tell me to smile on demand for two years. It’s freedom. 

Yeah, it's actually made me rethink what hijab accomplishes. 

And also made me think about all the inchoate swirling behind the fury *against* people who *freely choose* to put on masks.  What all is up with that?  Y'all have some sort of RIGHT to see other people's faces if they CHOOSE to mask up? What's up with that?

[Sneezyone]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I find it so much more effort to project that I am smiling when I am wearing a mask. After a few hours, my face muscles hurts, because I have to exaggerate my smiling so that it shows above the mask.

I feel like you might need this encouragement...https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjuxp_v2NL1AhXQq3IEHShIA9EQyCl6BAgGEAM&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DL0MK7qz13bU&usg=AOvVaw2GU7qIKyHsYPwWqChJfNiu

[annandatje]

Yes, it is a necessary skill for my work and, to much lesser degree, personal relationships.

[Sneezyone]

8 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

Self-control / ability to put on a game face when required is powerful, and important, but I don't think it meets the exalted standard of "superpower."

Definitely agree that basic self-control / ability to put on a game face is a cultural expectation of women, and so the skill is more cultivated and common among women.

Also agree that basic self-control / ability to put on a game face is a job requirement in certain contexts -- teaching, definitely among those contexts.  Other employment contexts may not demand as much.

 

Also agree that there's a distinction between self-control / ability to put on a game face when required, vs expectation of smiley good cheer / nurturing / borderline-flirtation (like forex waitresses are culturally expected to be)

 

I also see a distinction between self-control (which I value highly) vs "frankness" (which I *also* value highly).  The one does not preclude the other.  But to manage both simultaneously is sometimes to walk on a knife edge.

And *that* may indeed be something of a superpower, LOL.

 

But I think it goes beyond the "can you put on a smile" of the OP.

It is hard. I acknowledge it goes against a lifetime of conditioning. It's also doable. We don't have to perform 'niceness' for the benefit of others. Just the statements I've made in this thread, absent any curse words or attacks, would be considered hostile and unacceptable to a lot of people.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Sneezyone

[regentrude]

nm. No time to debate. Gotta go smile for three hours at my customers

Edited January 27, 2022 by regentrude

[Jean in Newcastle]

I see it as being professional.  I can be professional in personal relationships as well as in a work setting.  This doesn't mean necessarily hiding my inner most thoughts or emotions but I don't feel the need to let those all hang out at all times either..  There is a time and place for sharing those thoughts and emotions. 

[Sneezyone]

24 minutes ago, regentrude said:

nm. No time to debate. Gotta go smile for three hours at my customers

I'm sorry. TBH, I would have no issue in your circumstance saying, in class, that I thought it a selfish choice to continue to expose you to COVID. I wouldn't harp on it but I would say it from the gut and mean every word. Students will make of hat what they will. Then again...disagreement isn't a big deal to me.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Tap]

Sure. I can switch back and forth between various parts of my personality pretty easy. The hardest switch is going from work done on the right side of the brain to the left side. I work in pharmacy and I struggle most when going from typing prescriptions (very very detailed work) to working the front counter and helping patients ( very personality driven/ less detailed). 
 

I can switch from being yelled at by one person and then turn around and be sweet/bubbly with the next…..way easier than detailed mindset to bubbly. Lol

[Jean in Newcastle]

Oh, and I can pleasantly and politely tell someone off. 

[MEmama]

18 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

re the freedom enabled by masks

Yeah, it's actually made me rethink what hijab accomplishes. 

And also made me think about all the inchoate swirling behind the fury *against* people who *freely choose* to put on masks.  What all is up with that?  Y'all have some sort of RIGHT to see other people's faces if they CHOOSE to mask up? What's up with that?

This experience with masking has, for the first time, allowed me to start to understand women who declare that wearing a hijab or similar *by true choice* is empowering, that by freeing themselves from the male gaze they become truly free to be themselves. It has been difficult for me to get past my western ideas about such thoughts, but I’m beginning to understand. Of course, it must be a woman’s true choice, and idk how often that’s the case. 

[Melissa Louise]

Oh yes, this is a skill I have mastered. For good and bad. 

[plaidpants]

11 minutes ago, MEmama said:

This experience with masking has, for the first time, allowed me to start to understand women who declare that wearing a hijab or similar *by true choice* is empowering, that by freeing themselves from the male gaze they become truly free to be themselves. It has been difficult for me to get past my western ideas about such thoughts, but I’m beginning to understand. Of course, it must be a woman’s true choice, and idk how often that’s the case. 

I've been shifting the way I dress and thinking about covering my hair lately, and this is something that's contributed to it. Not even just the male gaze, but the societal gaze, if you will. I am more than my hair and eyeliner and bra size and skinny jeans versus skirts. To me it's a declaration that I am a people and you will be required to see me as such.

[73349]

I can put on being peaceful--but not a good facsimile of happiness, not that I'd be keen to try--to a reasonable degree.

[Pam in CT]

27 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

I'm sorry. TBH, I would have no issue in your circumstance saying, in class, that I thought it a selfish choice to continue to expose you to COVID. I wouldn't harp on it but I would say it from the gut and mean every word. Students will make of hat what they will. Then again...disagreement isn't a big deal to me.

and I've "known" you long enough to know, by the bolded you mean something along the lines of: "I don't get rattled by disagreement" or "I don't take [someone disagreeing with my expressed opinion] personally."

And to my mind, that capacity/equanimity is pretty rare. And does come close to being a superpower.

But it's not the same as "slapping on a smile."

[Sneezyone]

1 minute ago, Pam in CT said:

and I've "known" you long enough to know, by the bolded you mean something along the lines of: "I don't get rattled by disagreement" or "I don't take [someone disagreeing with my expressed opinion] personally."

And to my mind, that capacity/equanimity is pretty rare. And does come close to being a superpower.

But it's not the same as "slapping on a smile."

True that! I'm still not slapping on a smile if a decision is made that I disagree with tho. I might suck it up and move on but I'm not gonna sing its praises. 

[BlsdMama]

In a heartbeat.

[happi duck]

3 hours ago, happi duck said:

I wasn't sure how to phrase this.  What I mean is can you, when needed, change your demeanor?  For example, I record lessons for my job.  If I'm feeling lousy I can still put on a smile and use a pleasant voice in order to get my recording done.  My late mom could be in the middle of chaos but if the phone needed to be answered she answered with a pleasant "hello?". If I'm having a panic attack dd can choose to speak calmly to me.

Is this a super power that the women in my family possess? Lol!

I thought most people can do this when needed but dh says he literally can't.  

BTW, I don't mean denying emotions or faking it through life.  I mean short term ability to respond in a way that is a little more up or light compared to how you feel. 

 

 

Quoting myself to emphasize my "BTW".  I really mean very short term because you *choose* too.  Like being on an angry phone call while in line but saying hello nicely to the person working the Starbucks drive thru.

Maybe the choosing is to be helpful like my dd being calm when I panic or maybe choosing in order to do your job well like when I record my lessons.  Or like my mom choosing to not subject someone random caller to the chaos.

Also, the "lol" after the mention of superpower means that I'm kidding and in no way think that.  I'm just trying to suss out how common being able to "put on a smile" (not literally) or "game face" (as a pp put it) is.

Thanks for all the replies!

[BlsdMama]

I'm altering my previous answer due to my day and upon remembering two previous scenarios in which I was remarkably impolite.

So, in absolutely every area and every circumstance save:

1. Under steroid use and I have a "funny" story about that.... oops.
2. And when it comes to dealing with DS17 these days - I lack humor when it comes to him.

Edited January 27, 2022 by BlsdMama

[wathe]

3 hours ago, MEmama said:

Masks are a godsend. I hope to always wear them. I haven’t had a man tell me to smile on demand for two years. It’s freedom. 

 

2 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

re the freedom enabled by masks

Yeah, it's actually made me rethink what hijab accomplishes. 

And also made me think about all the inchoate swirling behind the fury *against* people who *freely choose* to put on masks.  What all is up with that?  Y'all have some sort of RIGHT to see other people's faces if they CHOOSE to mask up? What's up with that?

 

2 hours ago, MEmama said:

This experience with masking has, for the first time, allowed me to start to understand women who declare that wearing a hijab or similar *by true choice* is empowering, that by freeing themselves from the male gaze they become truly free to be themselves. It has been difficult for me to get past my western ideas about such thoughts, but I’m beginning to understand. Of course, it must be a woman’s true choice, and idk how often that’s the case. 

Yes to all of this.

I've been wearing a scrub cap (plus masks and eye-protection) for 2 years at work now.   All that shows of my face and head are my eyes.  There is a noticeable shift in comments from patients - many fewer sexist micro aggressions (there are still loads of them, of course, but fewer based on our appearance)

This came to top of mind last week, after I worked a vaccine clinic without a scrub cap.  The only difference in my appearance is that my hair was showing, and I was wearing a clinic t-shirt instead of a scrub shirt.  And I suffered 6 separate sexist micro-aggressions within 2 hours.  Ranging from "I was hoping you were going to ask me to take off all my clothes" (when asked to expose his upper arm to receive his vaccine), to an incredulous "you're a doctor?" (tone is everything), to being called "honey", "dear", and "sweetie", and being directed to a male colleague (who has nothing to do with clinic admin, and knows nothing more about it than I do) by clinic staff when I had an administrative question and I asked to speak with the clinic administrator because "he's a doctor".

Amazingly, the scrub cap makes a lot of this disappear.  It's like magic.

ETA: All by male patients (except the clinic staff), within +/- 10 years of my  own age, who should know better.  No dementia, not intoxicated, no good reasons.

Edited January 27, 2022 by wathe

[TechWife]

3 hours ago, Sneezyone said:

I can, as a function of a toxic abuse dynamic, but largely choose not to. I value politesse a lot less than frankness and authenticity.

Outside of that dynamic, frankness & authenticity can coexist with a pleasant & sincere demeanor. That dynamic, though, changes everything. Many hugs to you. 

[TechWife]

3 hours ago, Sneezyone said:

No, it's not. My bosses have appreciated my frankness precisely because so many are willing to tell them what they want to hear and not what they need to know. Unpleasant realities can be delivered frankly and without offense. I will say that my experience is in politics/government where shining people on is common and frankness is unexpected and, often, refreshing. I've had people ask me, directly, about my reasons for leaving a job (the boss) where I explained in abstract terms that there was nothing they could do to make me stay working for that man. The man was later fired. This is a thing. When I met with Gov. Beebe and he asked me about our project (re: misrepresentations and collusion between industry and his high-level apppointees), I related what I knew and he grinned from ear to ear (it was a GOOD day!). Seriously, the higher you go, the less honesty there is. I feel like men don't share these concerns for propriety and manners. They routinely act like jack holes with impunity at work. Doing it in less subtle ways as a woman is no different in terms of gaining respect and credibility. 

I’ve found that the higher you go, the more honesty there is, but the people are incredibly skilled communicators and can deliver information and opinions in a classy way. That’s businesses though & not politics. That’s an environment without comparison, I think. I couldn’t deal with it.