Ok, help (4 year old edition)

[DawnM]

This one.....oy!

He gets into everything.   I mean everything.   He is very hard on toys, throws them all over the place, doesn't really "play" with them, and then walks away.

But that isn't the issue.   I am tackling that one by taking things and putting them up and giving away, etc.....part of it is overstimulation.

But he is now onto a clothing fixation.

He goes in, changes his clothing, puts on underwear, promptly pees in them, changes again......and then even if he doesn't pee, he changes clothing again.   I don't know what is clean and what is dirty in that room.  And it is becoming daily.   Multiple times.

The simple answer is, "keep all of his clothing up high and just give him clothing for the day."    That would be great if I had anywhere to put them (heck, I am trying to figure out where to put my own clothing at this point, our master closet is huge and useless.)

We have talked to him.   We say, "pick something to put on for the day and if you need to change, come tell us and we will help you."    It is like talking to the wind.   We have taken things away, we have tried to watch him, we have told him no, we have even offered rewards.   And, and, and.

But nope, if we have clothing in the drawers, it is time for dress up......multiple times per day.

Most of you know I am stretched way too thin right now.   With dad, a full time job, and this little guy, I am just not in the mood for people to come on and tell me I am not doing something right.   Helpful suggestions are greatly appreciated however.   

We KNOW he needs a preschool......we can't find one right now that isn't full and we are pulling our hair out.

Ok, helpful and kind (and preferably easy) suggestions?

[AmandaVT]

Does he have a dress up area with special "dress up" clothes? He can use that to change as much as he wants maybe. Doesn't have to be super special stuff, just stuff that's different and special just for him maybe?

[momto3innc]

This is only one tiny part of the issue, but can you have a specific spot he puts wet underwear/pants? Like either a laundry basket in his room or bathroom or the laundry room? Would he be able to learn (with tons of reminders at first I’m sure) to do that? Doesn’t take care of him changing all the time but trying to figure out a way to help with soiled clothes.

[HomeAgain]

Child locks on the dresser?

[rebcoola]

Can you put child proofing on the drawers or cupboards so ge can't change without one of you.

[Katy]

So I’ve gone through this stage with a few different kids. In one house I took over the laundry room shelving and in this house I took over a linen closet for more than a year with the youngest two. 

I just bought 13” foldable bins with labels from Amazon and put a simple plastic sliding door child lock out of reach. 

I’m sure we aren’t the only two either, because I think I got the laundry room idea from the Minimal Mom. Oh, and the Secret Slob was keeping all her kids underwear and pajamas in bins in her upstairs bathroom for a while.  They’d get out of the tub and get dressed for bed right there. 

[mommyoffive]

All my kids except my boys did this.  I never put a lock on anything.  It wouldn't ever been a thought. Actually my younger ones do this still.  I feel like it is an important part of preschool/k kids to dress up and play and also practice buttons and zippers.  

I think the dress up area would be a great thing to try.

[kristin0713]

I think the easiest solution is to prevent access to the clothes.  I know you said you have nowhere to put them, but some of the ideas mentioned above are good.  Lock his drawers or put them in bins in your room.  This is temporary.  A stack of bins in the corner won't be forever.  I also like the idea of a hamper or laundry basket for his dirty clothes.  

[JustEm]

This seems like a very normal part of childhood.  I've gone through this with many kids, still am with the younger ones.  I don't discourage it at all. I do emphasize that they need to help figure out what is clean and what is dirty.  We do the sniff test together in a playful way and I teach them where the stinky clothes go. The clean up is never really a power struggle because I start it with very goofy over reactions to the sniff test. 

From my experience, it doesn't take long before they connect that if they want to try all the clothes on they'll have to help put all the clothes away. That helps them transition to either keeping their clothes on or putting the clothes back when they are done with it.  But then sometimes you get dirty clothes in the drawers!

[DawnM]

He would not distinguish between clean or dirty no matter what we did.   And he doesn't see stains......huge gravy stain on a white shirt.....but I want to wear it, so it is CLEAN!   

I don't know how to put locks on the drawers, and not sure that is the best solution anyway, he already tries to climb up the dresser and I am afraid of tipping.   And I was hoping this dresser would be GONE by now but it is a changing table so we still need it because he won't use the potty.

And this isn't "dress up" this is literally, "Oh, I haven't worn the blue PJs today, so I should wear them for 5 minutes."   

He has a hamper, we have been over that, but he throws ALL of it in there, or on the floor, there is no rhyme or reason.   I tried to explain, but I guess not very clearly, that reasoning and discussion, and talking, and showing DO NOT WORK.   We have been doing this for months on various issues.....he literally doesn't care to learn.

[prairiewindmomma]

It sounds like he’s trying to exert control over some aspect of his life. In some ways this could be a completely normal phenomena, but I would be looking at his case file and talking to his counselor just because potty training is also about control and is a trigger for a lot of kid stress in and of itself or the process could be bringing up stuff for him. 

 

 

[Harriet Vane]

A friend of mine had a child with similar behaviors. In her case the triggers were different and for her, it meant no one was getting any sleep.

For her, they had to reduce her choices.

They stripped her bedroom down to just the bed and a comfort object. Toys were kept downstairs in the living room and clothes were kept in the parents’ bedroom. This family lived in 2 apartments that they converted to be one dwelling, so there were two lockable doors at the top and bottom of the staircase that they could lock at night to restrict access to the toys, etc.

I wonder if something similar? Perhaps his clothes can be kept in your room in a locked cabinet? Like a 2-door utility cabinet?

Just musing.

[freesia]

He's three, right?  Three year olds make no sense imho. Sometimes they are mature so I expect them to make sense.  But then they revert backwards.  I don't remember clothes changing but one of mine wore all his clothes backwards on purpose.  (((hugs))) It's a lot of work. I wish I had an idea for you.

[Laurie]

8 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

And this isn't "dress up" this is literally, "Oh, I haven't worn the blue PJs today, so I should wear them for 5 minutes."   

 

I understand this because this is my life with my daughter...and she's 24!    She has high functioning autism, and your description of "talking to the wind" fits her perfectly as well.  

My dh thought I was crazy when I asked him to put a locking doorknob on the linen closet, but I won.  She not only takes clothes with abandon, but towels, too, if given the opportunity.  I used to have some wash cloths in a bathroom drawer but had to move them because she would put wet ones back into the drawer.  

The next locking doorknob is going to be on her bedroom door...to lock her OUT during the day, not to imprison her!!!    She doesn't have any interest in being in her room during the day except for throwing clothes/socks around, and sometimes shoes (so there's a quilt covering her window to hopefully protect the glass if she flings a shoe off her foot in that direction. ) 

I'll be reading the replies, too, because if there's a better way, I'm all ears.   I don't expect perfection in tidiness by any stretch of the imagination, but I also do not want to live in chaos and with a higher water bill than I already have because of a gazillion wet towels.    

Good luck, Dawn.   I'm sorry I don't have a better suggestion.  

[DawnM]

18 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

It sounds like he’s trying to exert control over some aspect of his life. In some ways this could be a completely normal phenomena, but I would be looking at his case file and talking to his counselor just because potty training is also about control and is a trigger for a lot of kid stress in and of itself or the process could be bringing up stuff for him. 

 

 

He is seeing a therapist.   

[Katy]

You need to get that dresser anchored or moved out of the room.  I usually buy a couple of yards of nylon strapping from the lace area of a fabric store and just use wall anchors and screws and washers into the wall and screws into the back of the dresser or shelves, but you can also order a kit from Amazon if you don't have time for that errand.

Honestly the easiest thing is to move it out of the room. Is there anyplace you can put it temporarily? It will probably take less than 6 weeks for him to get out of this phase.

[Moonhawk]

DD4 went through this stage. I did give up, and just cleaned up the ground of clothes at night; anything wet/dirty to the hamper and anything else that looked reasonably clean went to the closet (not folded, why bother). It lasted maybe 6 months for us. The hardest part was the wet clothes, but she would at least tell us about those because she didn't like taking them off on her own usually. 

We are now in the I-never-want-to-change-again stage and she won't get into pajamas. When I finally convince her to change, she loves the new shirt (that she hated 2 minutes ago and was crying about having to wear) and then we are back to I-will-never-wear-anything-else-again.

eta: we moved the hamper out of her room and into the bathroom because she would also take things out of the hamper if it was easily available. That's the only useful suggestion I have, so at least things deemed dirty don't make continual appearances.

Edited November 26, 2021 by Moonhawk

[Selkie]

7 minutes ago, Katy said:

You need to get that dresser anchored or moved out of the room.  I usually buy a couple of yards of nylon strapping from the lace area of a fabric store and just use wall anchors and screws and washers into the wall and screws into the back of the dresser or shelves, but you can also order a kit from Amazon if you don't have time for that errand.

Honestly the easiest thing is to move it out of the room. Is there anyplace you can put it temporarily? It will probably take less than 6 weeks for him to get out of this phase.

Agree, that dresser needs to be anchored asap if the child has access to it. You can buy anchoring kits that make it very easy.

[bluemongoose]

We anchored the dresser in a closet and then put a baby gate on the door of the closet. Can you do something like that?

[HS Mom in NC]

You're already stretched too thin, so don't think you have to do "normal stuff" the "normal way."  And don't feel bad that that's the case. You have a child with a background of abuse/neglect whose bioparent has mental health (brain) issues and is still transitioning to a new family. This isn't going to be normal, aat least for a while, and possibly never.  He's at increased risk for processing disorders, emotional issues, mental health issues, etc.  Therapy with littles is long and slow-they can't address everything all at once, so take measures to reduce stress for everyone as needed in your home.  Do what works and contributes to a more peaceful, less stressful home.

You need to what whatever it takes to not add clothing chaos to your life. He just can't have access to his clothes right now-it's not realistic. How big can a 4 year old's wardrobe be?  I would have a fairly minimalist, in season wardrobe for him made up mostly of his particular favorites (if he has some that are appropriate) and keep it in my area because you don't need the extra hassle of figuring out if clothes are clean or not or extra clean up. Out of season clothes can go in the garage, on top shelves of any closet, in underbed storage in your room, wherever, just not in your way right now.  Put his clothes anywhere he can't get to them and hand them out as you deem it necessary. What do you mean you have a huge closet that's useless?  Do you have too much stuff for yourself and/or spouse? You both may need to scale down to more minimal wardrobes during this intense season of your life. Minimal meal plans, minimal grocery shopping strategies, minimal holidays, minimal everything. 

He can have dress up items that aren't his regular clothing somewhere with an easy place to put them away like a bin of some sort? That's the only kind of dress up that won't be a drain right now. He can change into and out of them a dozen times a day,  get them dirty, lose them, throw them rumpled in the bin, destroy them, and you don't have to worry about it or wash them frequently assuming they haven't been peed in or anything that stinks. If he doesn't want to do that kind of dress up, then dress up isn't for him at this season of life.

Get rid of the dresser today.  An accident with the dresser could be very serious and isn't worth the ongoing stress worrying about it. You and everyone around you needs to respect your bandwidth and make sure anything eating it up is of the highest importance and deepest need.  At home I changed my kids on a waterproof, roll up, changing pad on a bed or the floor 75% of the time because that was the most practical and efficient way to do it.

It's good you're reducing toys to reduce over-stimulation.  Go as far as you need to with that inside your home.  Be prepared that all preschools might not be a fit for him.  It's possible one will be great for him, you never know until you try, but kids who react negatively to over-stimulation rarely find preschools calm, tranquil places. Think through what you'll do if that happens in his case. 

[bolt.]

The very easiest solution to this problem is to decide that you don't care.

The things that really matter here are (1) That things with urine on them need to be washed within a reasonable amount of time, and (2) He looks mostly presentable most of the time, particularly when he is actually being seen by an outsider.

He doesn't need to be neatly dressed at all times. There can be not-unclean clothes stored on the floor of his room -- within reason.

With that in mind, I think you can put the issue of how often he changes out of your mind. Like don't even notice what he is wearing or when he put it on. It's not worth your attention. Instead focus on asking him to change when he is visibly dirty or smelly (and following him to collect the legit dirty laundry into a hamper or the washer), and trying to get him to put anything with urine on it in a specific place.

When you are ready to do laundry, do a load of all of the legit-dirty stuff, plus some of the floor-dwelling not-unclean items. Shove the rest of the not-unlcean items back in the drawers. He doesn't need it to be neat and tidy... so, just tell yourself that it's not your stuff and it doesn't matter how he keeps it.

On the bright side, he's occupying himself really well with this 'hobby' (which also develops life skills)... it's not exactly a big problem unless you let it drive you nuts on principle.

This way you are doing less work, but still controlling for actual dirty clothes in a low-effort way. That can be good enough.

[Clarita]

My kids have free reign over their clothes. My son will wear the same outful 365 days of the year my daughter changes no less than 4 times a day. My daughter has to put her clothes in the hamper after she is done wearing them. My son has to put his in there after 3 days of wear. Then I just do the laundry once a week and make them put away their clothes. At 3.5 and 5 they sort and put away by themselves and I hang things up (note I did not say fold that is not a requirement because then I don't think they could do it). 

This is a bit laundry intensive (especially for my girl). It curbed her putting on different outfits because to wear that outfit she wore for 2 sec again she has to wait for me to do laundry. I've made her wear her brother's clothes (which she has no say over because he gets to choose). 

Reading some past posts you can totally get rid of the changing table if you want. When my little girl regressed and started potty-ing not in the potty, I pull her diaper off in the bathroom have her help me dump the poo and she would get a rinse off in the bath. She got a choice of cold shower or wait until the water warmed up. Yes accidents was inconvienient but it was inconvienient for her too so she started going in the potty again. I would say you have to have thick skin for this exercise because the first few times may be a lot of unhappiness and screaming.

 

[Ausmumof3]

Please secure the dresser.  I pulled a bookshelf over as a child and only the bed position saved me from being pinned. 

[SKL]

Can you keep his clothes in a common area of the house for now?  Someplace where you will see pretty quickly if he does this trick.

And the getting rid of too much stuff is also an idea here.  If he only has a couple pairs of shorts then he has to use pajamas or just undies after he changes a couple times.

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, bluemongoose said:

We anchored the dresser in a closet and then put a baby gate on the door of the closet. Can you do something like that?

The dresser he is currently using is too large for his closet, but maybe we can come up with something.   He can climb over baby gates though.....

[Junie]

As others have said, you need to secure the dresser or get rid of it.

Also, I would give up on potty training for now.  It sounds like he's not ready.  This will (hopefully) solve the problem of the stinky clothes.  You have a lot going on right now and potty training is not helping.  And the holiday season is just really not a good time to add more to what you have to manage.

[lmrich]

Could you store some of his clothes in suitcases in your closet? Don't let him know, of course. I would secure the dresser or move it out altogether and only let him have a basket of very limited clothes. He can sort them with and adult every evening and take them to the washer. As my dh's grandmother would tell me, "this too shall pass"

[Katy]

If the dresser is too big for the closet I’d look for a baby proof lock for the closet door and put all the clothes inside. 

[ktgrok]

I'd just plan on having him put his clothes on the floor - will he put them in a pile in a particular area? Like "throw them in that corner" type thing? Then you go through them and if they are visibly dirty put them in the hamper. otherwise, they go back in his clean laundry basket. I wouldn't bother to fold or put in the dresser right now. Just have a basket of clean laundry, and a hamper (idfferent style) for dirty. 

Or put the clean clothes in a basket on top of your dresser - just don't "get around" to putting them away so he doesn't realize they are missing. Sounds like he will only put them on cause he sees them. Out of sight, out of mind may be the best approach. PUt a new outfit or two in the dresser each day, and leave the rest in the laundry basket on your dresser, on top of the dryer, whatever. 

[Guest]

I was also thinking what if he had his own dress-up clothes? I don’t know if that would help at all. 

[Laurie]

4 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

I don't know how to put locks on the drawers, and not sure that is the best solution anyway, he already tries to climb up the dresser and I am afraid of tipping.   And I was hoping this dresser would be GONE by now but it is a changing table so we still need it because he won't use the potty.

 

If this is used as a changing table, isn't it wider than it is tall?   When is he trying to climb up...when he needs a change?  Could you put a stepstool next to it so he won't try to pull out the drawers and climb up that way, if that's what he's doing?   I'm not saying you couldn't secure it to the wall, but I'm also not sure how he would tip over a wide/low dresser as opposed to a tall chest of drawers?   

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

I tried to explain, but I guess not very clearly, that reasoning and discussion, and talking, and showing DO NOT WORK.   We have been doing this for months on various issues.....he literally doesn't care to learn.

He is a stubborn little bugger. The Explosive Child: Greene, Ross: 9780063092464: Amazon.com: Books This book helped me. There are the same advice as other parenting books I've read but the examples showed more of a progression of cooperation as oppose to if I just "connect with the child" and say the right thing the child will miraculously be compliant. 

Having two stubborn children (one who is "explosive" and one who is not), what I can say is he does care to learn (just not exactly what you teach him). He wants to learn how to get what he wants. He either is now getting what he wants doing what he is doing now or he isn't and he is seeking all the wrong ways to try and find the way that is going to work. So the simple thing is to figure out what he wants and figure out a way that gets him that but doesn't drive you nuts. 

For example clothes (because that is so much easier than figuring out potty), he wants to be able to change clothes as he sees fit. That could be just he has to put them in the hamper after each wear and it becomes dirty. He has more than one pile worn but not dirty and dirty. Whatever you think you can tolerate but still gives him the ability to change. If he doesn't do that give a consequence that seems natural. If he has two piles anything not in the not dirty or dirty pile directly goes into the dirty pile. With stubborn 4 year olds less reasoning and discussion is better just tell him, let him mess up and give the consequence.  (To ease the mommy guilt of being such a drill sargeant, when you aren't busy giving out consequences give lots of snuggles and loves , which I know you are already doing.)

[Rosie_0801]

3 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

You're already stretched too thin, so don't think you have to do "normal stuff" the "normal way."  And don't feel bad that that's the case. You have a child with a background of abuse/neglect whose bioparent has mental health (brain) issues and is still transitioning to a new family. This isn't going to be normal, aat least for a while, and possibly never.  He's at increased risk for processing disorders, emotional issues, mental health issues, etc.  Therapy with littles is long and slow-they can't address everything all at once, so take measures to reduce stress for everyone as needed in your home.  Do what works and contributes to a more peaceful, less stressful home.

So much this ^

Normal usually isn't the cure for abnormal. It's a lifestyle of keeping mole hills from turning into mountains, wondering how flat ground just became a mountain and how to avoid dying on it so you can sneak around and excavate it from behind.

[DawnM]

I don't think the dresser is wider than it is tall.

It is like this:

[DeainUSA]

Are you sure instead of not wanting to learn, he might not understand?  He sounds like my son when he was that age, and looking back, he was stubborn, explosive, a whole host of things, but he also didn't get it and he couldn't.  Be from cognitive impairment or his need to focus on coping, he wasn't capable.  

Can you get bins that slide under your bed to keep the clothes in?  A chest that stores clothes?  The garage?  Basement?  

Until he can or is willing to learn, minimalism sounds like the right track for sure.

I'm sorry things are so rough.

[mathnerd]

Keep your life simple for now until you figure something out. Move all his clothes out of his room for now. Give him clothes that he needs to wear every single time. Purchase a bunch of used halloween costumes with accessories from the thrift store and store it in a special "dress up" area and he can use those to change in and out of. 

[Drama Llama]

Parenting kids who have lived with extended trauma and neglect can be so hard.  I know for my son, in some ways, his develop stopped when he stopped being parented, and then restarted when he came to us.  So, I was parenting a kid who was chronologically 8/9, cognitively far older, and emotionally 4/5.  You're in a similar situation with a kid with the motor skills of a 4 year old (can climb over the gate, can put on and take off clothing lightning fast), but the emotional development of a much younger kid (likes to fill and dump things, very short attention span, limited ideation which leads to limited play).  It's a challenging combo.  It's easy to think he should be doing things because he's 4, but there are these pieces that are so much younger, and the drive to make up for the missed developmental experiences is strong. 

My youngest (not my adopted kid, his physical disabilities would have prevented what you described) was my impulsive, wild preschooler.  One thing that helped was keeping him very close.  We lived in a small house, and DH worked nights and slept days, so we had a pretty clear rule that the kids didn't go upstairs where the bedrooms were.  I had a pretty tall baby gate on the stairs, and while I am sure my 4 year old could have scaled it, it was slowed him down just enough that I could prevent that.  I wonder about putting a hook an eye lock on his door, rather than figuring out a way to lock up the clothes in his room, and basically restricting him to whatever room you're in.  Then give him things, like dress up clothes and a reasonable quantity of toys, that he can use to meet his needs in that space. 

The other thing that helped a lot was a ton of exercise, and sensory input.  I know your little guy is getting some therapies.  Is an OT part of your team?   

[itsheresomewhere]

Not sure if this would work for you but this did work for a friend’s adopted child who wanted some control as much as he could at 5 ( but was more like a 3 year old developmentally)

.   
She colored coded the clothes with paint markers in the tag for different days.  She made a large poster and hung it up.  Then she put a sticker dot of that color in the drawers and in the large drawers used color coded bins to separate the days.  So on Monday the clothes with the orange tag could be worn, Tuesday green dot clothes could be worn, etc. He needed that bit of clothes and this cut his multiple loads of laundry a day habit down.  He needed the visual of the color system to help him.  Otherwise, he would wear a drawer full of outfits a day.  

[happi duck]

If it were me: I'd reduce the wardrobe to one load of laundry.  I'd also make sure it could all go in the dyer.  Every couple days I would just wash and dry everything.  I would leave the clean stuff in the laundry basket in his room.

For emergency, I'd keep underwear and an outfit hidden somewhere.

 

[katilac]

On 11/26/2021 at 5:30 PM, Laurie said:

If this is used as a changing table, isn't it wider than it is tall?   When is he trying to climb up...when he needs a change?  Could you put a stepstool next to it so he won't try to pull out the drawers and climb up that way, if that's what he's doing?   I'm not saying you couldn't secure it to the wall, but I'm also not sure how he would tip over a wide/low dresser as opposed to a tall chest of drawers?   

Any dresser (any piece of furniture) can tip over. If two dressers are otherwise built the same, the wide/low dress will be less likely to tip over than the taller version, that's all. 

If you look at this CR test, you'll see that two of the dressers that fail the 50 lb test are wider than they are tall, and a third is just a bit taller. Anchoring to the wall is the best way to prevent tip-overs. 

[DawnM]

On 11/26/2021 at 10:26 PM, Baseballandhockey said:

Parenting kids who have lived with extended trauma and neglect can be so hard.  I know for my son, in some ways, his develop stopped when he stopped being parented, and then restarted when he came to us.  So, I was parenting a kid who was chronologically 8/9, cognitively far older, and emotionally 4/5.  You're in a similar situation with a kid with the motor skills of a 4 year old (can climb over the gate, can put on and take off clothing lightning fast), but the emotional development of a much younger kid (likes to fill and dump things, very short attention span, limited ideation which leads to limited play).  It's a challenging combo.  It's easy to think he should be doing things because he's 4, but there are these pieces that are so much younger, and the drive to make up for the missed developmental experiences is strong. 

My youngest (not my adopted kid, his physical disabilities would have prevented what you described) was my impulsive, wild preschooler.  One thing that helped was keeping him very close.  We lived in a small house, and DH worked nights and slept days, so we had a pretty clear rule that the kids didn't go upstairs where the bedrooms were.  I had a pretty tall baby gate on the stairs, and while I am sure my 4 year old could have scaled it, it was slowed him down just enough that I could prevent that.  I wonder about putting a hook an eye lock on his door, rather than figuring out a way to lock up the clothes in his room, and basically restricting him to whatever room you're in.  Then give him things, like dress up clothes and a reasonable quantity of toys, that he can use to meet his needs in that space. 

The other thing that helped a lot was a ton of exercise, and sensory input.  I know your little guy is getting some therapies.  Is an OT part of your team?   

No, they said he didn't qualify at this point.   He will be evaluated for some other things but it is takin 5 months or so to get in.

[fairfarmhand]

On 11/26/2021 at 9:26 PM, Baseballandhockey said:

Parenting kids who have lived with extended trauma and neglect can be so hard.  I know for my son, in some ways, his develop stopped when he stopped being parented, and then restarted when he came to us.  So, I was parenting a kid who was chronologically 8/9, cognitively far older, and emotionally 4/5.  You're in a similar situation with a kid with the motor skills of a 4 year old (can climb over the gate, can put on and take off clothing lightning fast), but the emotional development of a much younger kid (likes to fill and dump things, very short attention span, limited ideation which leads to limited play).  It's a challenging combo.  It's easy to think he should be doing things because he's 4, but there are these pieces that are so much younger, and the drive to make up for the missed developmental experiences is strong. 

 

I'm so glad you chimed in. I had thought this, but not having adopted a child, wondered if I was not thinking correctly. 

[HS Mom in NC]

Please take this post not as discouragement, but as a way to relieve you of any unnecessary guilt that might be creeping its into your heart and mind by way of unrealistic cultural expectations. You matter, your sanity matters, and your sanity is a big contributor to your child's and you father's well-being. 

I'd encourage you to make all current and future parenting/child decisions in light of the fact that your dad will decline. Eldercare is less predictable than childcare because elders can have severe, sudden, rapid declines like a stroke, or slow, steady declines like arthritis and general aging issues. Tomorrow's needs could be dramatically different than today's with little to no notice. Whatever parenting/child decisions you make should work as well as possible for either elder decline scenario.  No, you can't predict anything and you can't plan for every eventuality,  but most declines fit under those two general categories. So, to sum up, do everything you can to get and maintain for yourself as much bandwidth as possible because things are on the horizon that will eat up more of it.

I did adoption transition (aka The Year of Hell) and I did eldercare of both types-just not at the same time.  (Yes, as discussed upthread, children in transition revert to much younger developmental stages, many at newborn stage where trust has to be rebuilt from the ground up-BTDT.) They were incredibly demanding. I'd do it all again and recommend it to others, but I won't sugar coat it.  Fortunately, we were able to divide eldercare between several competent family members in different measure until the last couple of months when we had to call in professionals at a facility, but the drain was incredible throughout. So I worry about you, OP. 

Never ever apologize or feel guilty if you have to say no to or ask for help for things you would've handled on your own in a different way if you didn't have these two things on your plate at the same time. And don't second guess yourself after you weigh things and make a decision.  If you contentiously thought through the information and options you had at the time, and picked a valid option under the circumstances, you did the right thing. I had to keep reminding my mother that she was faced with no ideal options when caring for her mother-sometimes the choices are between crappy choice A and crappy choice B. Equal kinda OK pros with equal significant cons.  This ain't no Hallmark movie, this ain't no sitcom; this is real life.