S/O- homeschooling vs. fitting in with peers

[teachermom2834]

Two other threads going have touched on the theme of homeschoolers being sheltered/limited and being out of touch socially and the fallout from that. 
 

I have btdt with three adult boys who homeschooled until they moved away for college at 18 yo. I currently have a 13 yo dd who has always been homeschooled but now goes to a cottage school twice a week all day. 
 

Throughout my parenting I have had to make different calls about when to hold a hard line on technology, media, etc. versus when to allow the kids to have experiences to connect to their peers. With my oldest two I gave in more often to their need to belong and be included and I usually regretted it. With my third I was much stronger with limits on social media and technology and I don’t regret that. 

My “baby” now at 13 yo is out of touch with her peers as she doesn’t watch any YouTubers and she doesn’t have tiktok and her phone only calls and texts. She is a happy kid and gets along with others she just has no idea what tiktok dance they are all doing and she gets left out of the youth group Snapchat group etc. 
 

At this point in my life (as an experienced mom and a middle age woman who admittedly has an attitude many days) I pretty much don’t care. I care a little in that I tell her I know it is hard and it feels bad to be left out and I do have and show compassion for that. But she still isn’t getting Instagram and it isn’t even up for debate at this time. 
 

I do bend on some things (like we listen to Top 40 type radio in the car even though I hate it). I really don’t desire to make my kids totally sheltered and unable to relate to other kids. But I’m not bringing social media into her life yet and I don’t feel sorry for whatever social hurdles that puts up for her. 
 

I’m not asking for advice on all the different social media. I feel pretty aware of the good and bad of them. I’m just wondering what conclusions other people have come to. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is better to stick to my (informed and thoughtful) opinions on these things rather than to give in for social ease. I’m more confident in this approach now than when oldest was a tween.
 

Just wondering what others have found and decided on this. 

[mommyoffive]

I am seeing this with my kids right now a lot and it sucks.  I have a 15, 13, and 11 year old who are not up to date with their peers.  No mind you a lot of this has to do with Covid and how we went through life the last 18 months.  Before Covid they had a group of friends from dance and were with them 6-7 days a week.  Then Covid happened and that fell apart as we stayed home for almost the whole time.  Only started going to in person things again in July.  They lost connections with people who lived life as normal.  So now they are really on the outside looking in.  Starting from square one again, which they did when they got to this ballet school.   Now some of it is that none of my kids have phones and social media accounts.  They didn't need them before Covid and didn't need them with Covid.  I think once our life goes more back to normal, they will probably get one to have when I drop them places.  But I don't want them to become their lifelines either.  I don't think we would be in the same spot had Covid not happened.  Anyway I am feeling really sad and dumb right now and it hurts.  We are going back to in person things for their mental health and I hope that in a few months we are in a more positive, less lonely, happier place.  

[regentrude]

DH and I have always decided what our stance is for our kids, and in some aspects we were the most lenient of parents in their peer group, and in others we were the most strict.
I have early on decided to say "yes" whenever I do not have a really good reason to say "no". Our kids had more freedoms than most of their friends because, for example, I do not see a necessity for strict curfews or for telling them "no" just because their request poses an inconvenience. (Only on one occasion did I not permit DD to go on an outing, and that made a definite impression because it was a rare thing). My kids were allowed to move more freely in the neighborhood (after all, they had used public transit independently at age 10 and 12 while we lived in Germany)
OTOH, we required more academic work and school time was non-negotiable, which made them outliers among their homeschooled friends.

Our stance on tech was age dependent. We do not have a TV. When the kids were young, they were allowed to watch a movie on DVD on weekends, but nothing on weeknights, and no cartoons, no shows with commercials. OTOH, when DS was a young teen and the majority of his socializing happened through video game playing, we were very lenient about media, because we could see that this form of interacting with his friends was necessary and beneficial for him (strong introvert, aversion against any group activities, until around age 14). 

[73349]

DS (13) is the only one in his scout patrol without a phone and I think currently the only one who's homeschooled. (Others are enrolled in various public or private schools, so they don't see each other there.)

DH and I went to PS and had pretty much what our peers had, but didn't fit in with them anyway. DH was basically ostracized by the other boys all the way through. It's not just a matter of parents' decisions by any means.

[teachermom2834]

1 minute ago, Carolina Wren said:

 

DH and I went to PS and had pretty much what our peers had, but didn't fit in with them anyway. DH was basically ostracized by the other boys all the way through. It's not just a matter of parents' decisions by any means.

This is what I have figured out as well. It is going to take more than Snapchat to make my dd fit in with her peers. And when I give on one thing to grease the social wheels what comes next is another thing I don’t want to do. It isn’t worth it.

Now, I do reconsider and reserve the right to change my mind about things as circumstances change. But I don’t feel pressured to “give in” on things. 

[mommyoffive]

5 minutes ago, Carolina Wren said:

DS (13) is the only one in his scout patrol without a phone and I think currently the only one who's homeschooled. (Others are enrolled in various public or private schools, so they don't see each other there.)

DH and I went to PS and had pretty much what our peers had, but didn't fit in with them anyway. DH was basically ostracized by the other boys all the way through. It's not just a matter of parents' decisions by any means.

For sure.  As I feel guilt for my kids not being in regular school and doing all the regular school things I think back to my middle and high school years and they were not great.  So there is that side of it too. 

[skimomma]

I have an always-homeschooled 18yo that just started college.  She did not have a smartphone until she was 16, never got into video games, and had limits to technology (mostly via lack of access and being busy with other things rather than screen time limits).  All of her friends went to public high school so she definitely saw all things social media even when she was not directly engaged.  She for sure does not always know what the latest everything is as far as popular culture goes but is a huge music lover (we did allow her to have a Spotify account) so has listened to all things current and past.  Time will tell if she truly feels she has missed out on things but so far she seems content and well-adjusted.  She did note upon moving into the dorms that many students are glued to their video games.  She is baffled and has zero interest.  But she found plenty of people who are interested in the things she likes to do and has gravitated towards them.  She's seems happy and well-adjusted.  If anything, she seems far less concerned with conforming than her peers.  I had concerns about homeschooling, just like I would have with any educational path, but "fitting in" was never one of them.  

[HomeAgain]

We give privileges along with responsibilities.  Oldest ds sat through several in depth classes on internet safety before we let him have the decision of having social media, because at that point he knew all the dangers.  Youngest has very strict social media settings at age 11: he can use Messenger Kids, and he can play online with one game because it's designed to form a league.  Every electronic in our house is in the open rooms only, with the exception of the 15 minutes when ds has a zoom class.

Oldest ds got a phone when we were ready to leave him places, around 12 or 13.  Youngest ds may have a phone when he learns to tie his skates, because that's the only place I'd leave him right now.  Each kid gets an email address when they can type a number of words per minute (20 with 95% accuracy), but it's tied to a parent's account until high school. 

 

There's no hard and fast rule in our house.  It's just "when you're ready", and the kids know what that means because we can lay out what we're looking for in each area.

[ScoutTN]

We kept tech, screens, and pop culture intake very, very low when they were young and loosened up as they got older. It has been fine.

Ds is less mature and is in school and so presents us with more challenges. But I am happy with most of our choices and it does not bother me to be counter-cultural. He would be a high maintenance kid no matter what! 
 

Neither of my kids has struggled to fit in with peers, but they have always had a significant group of peers who are homeschooled or who have similar parenting priorities to ours. That provides a good base from which to venture forth into more diverse groups. We have never lacked for social, extra curricular, or educational activities, so kid socializing has never been lacking. 

[kristin0713]

My kids didn't have their own devices until 15 and 13.  Prior to that, I set up a shared family iPhone for them to communicate with friends but did not allow social media (still don't).  As DS (13) got into engineering type things and video editing and started his own business, we realized that his technology needs were legitimate and got him an iPad Pro.  He doesn't use it for communication really but watches and learns a lot from YouTube.  DD 15 has an iPhone now and primarily uses it to text and FaceTime.  It has definitely become a necessity for her and honestly it is frustrating for both of us now when she has a friend without a phone.  Because then I have to be the go-between with the mom and I don't want that role anymore.  But, social media, NO.  DD has asked about ig and tiktok and it was a hard no from me.  I haven't noticed her being left out at all regarding that though. 

[Momto6inIN]

One of the things that convinced me to try hs'ing after being a staunch "hs'ing makes kids weird" absolutist was seeing my friend's kids turn out so beautifully. They were awkward at times, especially in the middle school years, and frequently fit in better with adults than with their peers. But then I saw them turn into delightful adults with various interests and an ability to truly converse that their peers did NOT have.

So ... I figure if my own kids don't fit into TikTok/YouTube culture, well ... that's not a bug, it's a feature 😉

[Faith-manor]

We didn't really run with homeschool crowds, and the kids had 4H which and PS kids, private school kids, and home schoolers as well as some foreign exchange students. So within those groups, not much was really all about fitting into an exact mold. They also had equestrian lessons which again was a different kind of learning and regimen, and as teens did a lot of farm sitting. They occasionally worked in my dad's business when help was needed and they were free, one was a DNR volunteer, one was in a chess club, two sang in choir, all had music or art lessons at one point or another, and we traveled a lot. So I think the reason they did not have issues fitting in was because their experiences were pretty broad. We were very possibly the most "liberal" family around so if anything made them stand out, it was getting to read Harry Potter in elementary age range, free ranging/hiking without a parent, not having internet, music, books, etc. so tightly controlled, and they began DE younger than anyone they knew which brought them into the sphere of influence of professors and adult college students when most parents would not have considered allowing that. But, dh and I had a lot of broader,  different experiences as high schoolers that we thought were very beneficial to us even if it meant we didn't fit the mold. It was probably inevitable that we didn't worry about that aspect with our kids and figured they would find their tribe in adulthood which they all have done. Youth group at church was weird. They would sometimes attend, but the kids were pretty obnoxious and cliquish which they thought was pretty immature, and the youth pastor was immature for his age as well. But they had friends for sure, they just weren't formed through school. They were through 4H, and National Association of Rocketry/TARC, music performance groups, or through the riding stable.

[teachermom2834]

3 minutes ago, Momto6inIN said:

One of the things that convinced me to try hs'ing after being a staunch "hs'ing makes kids weird" absolutist was seeing my friend's kids turn out so beautifully. They were awkward at times, especially in the middle school years, and frequently fit in better with adults than with their peers. But then I saw them turn into delightful adults with various interests and an ability to truly converse that their peers did NOT have.

So ... I figure if my own kids don't fit into TikTok/YouTube culture, well ... that's not a bug, it's a feature 😉

Agreed! I have even told my dd that she might be an awkward kid but she’s going to be a fantastic adult. 
 

The three grown ones have done great and not hurt by the things they missed. So I’m comfortable with my choices. But seems some parents do have some regret about it.

Edited September 21, 2021 by teachermom2834

[Lecka]

I have a 12yo dd.  She is allowed on YouTube with supervision.  She is allowed to text with supervision.

She shows she does not have maturity to be unsupervised.

Other social media things are non-issues because she is not in that place socially.  It is kids more mature than her who are doing more mature usages of social media.  She is not among a mature group (by self-selection, because she is not mature so why would she be in a mature group?).

It’s fine.  
 

In our case — I would have to be trying to get her into this stuff if I cared that she wasn’t doing it!  If that makes sense.  
 

A year ago she was wanting a phone and now she is not — because she is not in a mature group where everything is on a phone.  But that is because of how she is, not that we aren’t allowing it.  But that is the situation we have right now.

Edit:  also she thinks Tik-Tok is stupid and will have nothing to do with it.  She thinks all the dances are stupid.  The bathroom vandalism thing is going on around here, and she thinks it is stupid.  

Edited September 21, 2021 by Lecka

[Melissa Louise]

Honestly, I don't think homeschooling matters. Some kids fit in with peers and some don't. Homeschooled dd2 went to school in 8th grade and did not take long at all to find her tribe, make friends, become au fait with dominant social cultures. 

Dd1 has always struggled. She can't intuit the hidden curriculum. Homeschooling gave her more learning opportunities without overwhelm, but for her, it's a life long neuroatypical thing. 

I work in a school and there are kids who have always been schooled and who don't fit in. As well as kids who are on top of it all from Day 1. 

Edited September 21, 2021 by Melissa Louise

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Honestly, I don't think homeschooling matters. Some kids fit in with peers and some don't.

This. DD went to public school for five years and never fit in. The 5th grade year was a horrible experience socially.
She found her peers when she started dual enrollment classes at the university; her great group of friends were all 5-7 years older than she was. She didn't find same age peers until she moved away to university. So clearly, the homeschooling was not the problem.

[fairfarmhand]

27 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Honestly, I don't think homeschooling matters. Some kids fit in with peers and some don't. Homeschooled dd2 went to school in 8th grade and did not take long at all to find her tribe, make friends, become au fait with dominant social cultures. 

Dd1 has always struggled. She can't intuit the hidden curriculum. Homeschooling gave her more learning opportunities without overwhelm, but for her, it's a life long neuroatypical thing. 

I work in a school and there are kids who have always been schooled and who don't fit in. As well as kids who are on top of it all from Day 1. 

This is it. 

[Melissa Louise]

I will say, though, I didn't 'shelter' my dd from the culture of her schooled friends. We incorporated at lot of mainstream things into our non-mainstream home. So I guess although homeschool doesn't matter much, the degree of sheltering might. 

[Carrie12345]

I’m somewhere in the middle. Currently only having boys who are minors helps, I think.

My boys do not have TikTok, Instagram, or Snapchat. 14yo is currently asking for FB, and I figure it might be time for that one.

However, both boys are on all the video games and YouTube. They “FaceTime” friends, which typically means pointing the camera at the ceiling and chatting while they’re doing other things. I find it weird.

On certain platforms (our VR games, for example) they have to play on mute because I don’t want them conversing with strangers that way.

Ive always been nervous when transitioning “kids” to unrestricted social media but, based on how I’ve seen my social justice warriors clap back at creeps on FB, I think our gradual progressions have gone well thus far.

[Shoeless]

2 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

At this point in my life (as an experienced mom and a middle age woman who admittedly has an attitude many days) I pretty much don’t care. I care a little in that I tell her I know it is hard and it feels bad to be left out and I do have and show compassion for that. But she still isn’t getting Instagram and it isn’t even up for debate at this time. 
 

I do bend on some things (like we listen to Top 40 type radio in the car even though I hate it). I really don’t desire to make my kids totally sheltered and unable to relate to other kids. But I’m not bringing social media into her life yet and I don’t feel sorry for whatever social hurdles that puts up for her. 
 

I’m not asking for advice on all the different social media. I feel pretty aware of the good and bad of them. I’m just wondering what conclusions other people have come to. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is better to stick to my (informed and thoughtful) opinions on these things rather than to give in for social ease. I’m more confident in this approach now than when oldest was a tween.

This is our current stance.  My son is 13 and does not have social media. There's good stuff that comes with SM, but a heck of a lot of bad stuff, too, and at 13, he does not have the emotional maturity to filter out the bad stuff. Heck, many days I wonder if *I* have the maturity to filter out all the bad stuff! 

I have known so many kids that don't fit in with the dominant culture.  Some of them have done brilliantly and become secure, fascinating young adults with satisfying friendships. They use SM sparingly because they're busy with so many other things.  Others turned out insecure and kind of fretful that they don't "fit in".  They have SM, too.  I think it comes down, (to some extent), to how the parents frame their experience. Is being an outlier a positive? Or is it seen as a problem in need of a solution? 

[katilac]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

Agreed! I have even told my dd that she might be an awkward kid but she’s going to be a fantastic adult. 

She might be fantastic but also awkward as an adult, and there's nothing wrong with that. 

[teachermom2834]

5 minutes ago, katilac said:

She might be fantastic but also awkward as an adult, and there's nothing wrong with that. 

Oh definitely! Awkwardness is a strong genetic trait. 🙂

[Indigo Blue]

My homeschooled son was/is not the status quo. He wanted to be homeschooled, and he was. But it totally didn’t cause him to be awkward or “weird”, even though he is introverted and learned at home by himself. He quickly adjusted to community college, then quickly adjusted to his university. He adjusted, but he did not conform. He marched to the beat of his own drum and acted more like a responsible 30 year old than a partying college kid. He did exactly what he wanted and made no apologies to anyone for not doing as they thought a college boy should. He’s never had a Facebook page. He never went to a football game or a party. He never has liked those things.  He’s always been an old soul. He’s happy. He’s ethical. He’s funny. He has a fantastic personality and is so easy to be around. He had friends in college of similar mindset. Very studious and serious about just getting their degree and graduating. He’s unusual, and I have so much respect for him. I wouldn’t change a thing. 

I don’t know how things would have been for him had he gone through PS. I do know he would not have been happy. Everyone is SO different.

My older son went through ps. He enjoyed high school and college, and was the more typical college kid. He’s also a great guy. Very upstanding, will speak his truth. He’s very loyal to family and has had the same close group of friends since first grade. He was more into Facebook and such. He gets along great with his younger brother. I have immense respect for him, as well.

[Amy Gen]

My oldest had 1.5 years in private school, .5 years in public school, and was homeschooled the rest of the time until she started college. She is so unique, she never would have fit into any peer aged social group. She is 27 now and her friends are in their 50s-70s. Her roommate is older than I am, but they are super compatible. 

My 15 year old has never been to school, and she is the queen bee of her friend group. Even my friends tell me that she is who they dreamt of being when they were teenagers with her brand name clothes and unshakable confidence. I have no idea how she always knows what is “on trend”. She doesn’t have any social media. I said that I would consider Instagram for her 15th birthday. She said, “Oh, I don’t care about that!” She just has it factor, even though she has never been to school. 
 

She just had a “ctottagecore” picnic for her birthday. I didn’t even know what that was. She lent her friends clothes that were in keeping with the theme so they could take pictures to post on their Instas. Oh, and the party couldn’t start until 5:00 pm because that is golden hour and you need the right light for the photos. I have no idea how she knows what all of the other kids will get excited about, but she does. 
 

My 11 year old is a little more of a non conformist, but she is also the most popular kid in her friend group. When she gets her hair cut a certain way, every other girl gets the same hair cut the following week. Whatever she decides is cool, they all think is cool. She is just a natural leader. 
 

I think it comes down to personality because my oldest who spent more time in school than any of my kids will never be like her peers, but my youngest girls are much more socially confident than their friends who go to private and public schools. A kid is going to be who a kid is going to be. 

 

[Dmmetler]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

This. DD went to public school for five years and never fit in. The 5th grade year was a horrible experience socially.
She found her peers when she started dual enrollment classes at the university; her great group of friends were all 5-7 years older than she was. She didn't find same age peers until she moved away to university. So clearly, the homeschooling was not the problem.

This was also the experience here. A handful of interest based friends while homeschooling, mostly non-homeschoolers, many of whom were much older, connected mostly with non-tradifional adult students as a DE student starting at age 12, and is now finding close to age peers as a full time BS/MAT student at 16, at a rather nerdy LAC-and is commenting on just how much easier it is to make friends when you're doing things with them daily. 

 

I think that the right high school might have been awesome, but given the lack of the right high school, homeschooling was a pretty good fit.

[BlsdMama]

My college freshman just got Instagram... it was to get to know her future roommate better. She decided not to have it in high school and even wore a paper on social media and its influence on teens. 
 

DD (now 25) got FB when age was in her 20s, but isn’ta heavy user. DS is 22. He has FB and doesn’t use it but does use IG on occasion and SnapChat a lot as a messenger system. DD19 uses Insta sparingly and Snapchat sparingly. None of them are very heavy consumers. 
 

DS16 shows impulsivity and screen issues. We don’t allow a lot for him because he doesn’t seem to do anything with moderation? It’sa work in progress. 
 

DD15 is pretty mature and savvy. If she asked, we’d allow limited social media (not on phone app) but she hasn’t asked. All of her friends are homeschooled so it’s not unusual and they use messenger to chat. 

[SlowRiver]

I feeling is that overall, the kids who avoid a lot of these things are better off, and actually happier, though not necessarily at the time. Like a pp said, they often seem to develop more real, lasting interests.

And there are some real risks with social media and gaming, gaming addiction is not a small thing and almost impossible to predict. I suspect 50 years from now allowing the types of deliberately addictive gaming we do not for kids will be seen as similar to allowing them to smoke.

That being said, I try to compromise with these things. They watch more youtube than I'd like and I particularly have to keep an eye on my middle daughter.

[ScoutTN]

4 hours ago, MissLemon said:

This is our current stance.  My son is 13 and does not have social media. There's good stuff that comes with SM, but a heck of a lot of bad stuff, too, and at 13, he does not have the emotional maturity to filter out the bad stuff. Heck, many days I wonder if *I* have the maturity to filter out all the bad stuff! 

I have known so many kids that don't fit in with the dominant culture.  Some of them have done brilliantly and become secure, fascinating young adults with satisfying friendships. They use SM sparingly because they're busy with so many other things.  Others turned out insecure and kind of fretful that they don't "fit in".  They have SM, too.  I think it comes down, (to some extent), to how the parents frame their experience. Is being an outlier a positive? Or is it seen as a problem in need of a solution? 

Fitting in with the dominant culture is absolutely not a goal for us!
 

On the other hand, we don’t want to be so separate that we have no way to communicate. We do know people whose teen kids have never been to a movie, listened to the radio, eaten fast food, etc. 

[Wheres Toto]

My kids would have been super depressed during Covid without their online friends.   Both are introverts, but the past year and a half has been rough even for them.   

Ds (16) does various challenge games with a group of friends.  They started with D&D then moved on to a different role-play type game, now they do mash-up contests so he's been learning about editing music and videos.  He doesn't have any traditional social media websites and no phone of his own, we just have a house cell phone that he'll use to listen to music.

Dd (14) has Facebook (to share art with her grandma), Insta (to share art with her friends) and mainly talks to her friends on Discord. She doesn't have a phone either but has an Ipad and an Ipod that she can use to talk when home.  She just got the iPad for her birthday after requesting something better than an old Kindle Fire to do her art. 

Both kids have friends from around the world, some we've met IRL, but most we haven't.  They talk so we've heard voices and can tell they are definitely a bunch of kids (small house, I can literally hear everything said even if they are in their bedrooms).  It's been an important social outlet for them while homeschooling, but especially during the past year. 

My kids would have always been the weird ones regardless of how they were schooled.  It's a description they wear with honor.   They are confident, opinionated, and willing to stand up to bullies and support their friends.  

Edited September 22, 2021 by Wheres Toto

[Porridge]

4 hours ago, katilac said:

She might be fantastic but also awkward as an adult, and there's nothing wrong with that. 

My mom told me when I was in high school that I’d probably always feel lonely. I agree- some people just don’t fit well in dominant culture. I can see that being the case for both of my DC

Edited September 22, 2021 by Porridge

[Carrie12345]

7 hours ago, Wheres Toto said:

Both kids have friends from around the world, some we've met IRL, but most we haven't.  They talk so we've heard voices and can tell they are definitely a bunch of kids (small house, I can literally hear everything said even if they are in their bedrooms).  It's been an important social outlet for them while homeschooling, but especially during the past year

One of the adaptations Dh and I have had to make during this time is checking to see if there are any “kids in our house” before having semi-private conversations! Especially with my 10yo who will “host” and then leave his devices lying around on, so his friends don’t get kicked off. Sigh.

With the 14yo and his friends, all of us moms have been doing double checks because some of our kids are beginning to sound like men, and it’s a bit freaky!

[BlsdMama]

14 hours ago, Momto6inIN said:

One of the things that convinced me to try hs'ing after being a staunch "hs'ing makes kids weird" absolutist was seeing my friend's kids turn out so beautifully. They were awkward at times, especially in the middle school years, and frequently fit in better with adults than with their peers. But then I saw them turn into delightful adults with various interests and an ability to truly converse that their peers did NOT have.

So ... I figure if my own kids don't fit into TikTok/YouTube culture, well ... that's not a bug, it's a feature 😉

Yes! I often joke in the reason we homeschool, but the truth is, that’sa large part of it. I was pretty socially adept, fit in, daring, and made some truly awful decisions because I felt an internal pressure to stand out. I cannot even fathom the damage I’d have done if I’d been given technology and/or a social media platform. 
I feel as though kids are being set up for failure... FB “first day” photos plastered my FB this past month and I enjoy seeing everyone’s families, but I admit I was surprised at the number of kids who wanted to be “You Tubers” and influencers. 

[Wheres Toto]

56 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

One of the adaptations Dh and I have had to make during this time is checking to see if there are any “kids in our house” before having semi-private conversations! Especially with my 10yo who will “host” and then leave his devices lying around on, so his friends don’t get kicked off. Sigh.

With the 14yo and his friends, all of us moms have been doing double checks because some of our kids are beginning to sound like men, and it’s a bit freaky!

Definitely!   The other day I was in dd's room emptying some drawers and gave her some of my old sports-type bras since they are all she wears and they would likely fit her.   She picked up one, look at it, and said she didn't think it would fit.   I made some comment along the lines that "I may not be the shortest in the family (dd is still shorter than me by about 1/2 inch and its a constant teasing thing that she's going to be taller than me and I'll be the shortest), but I definitely have the smallest boobs (definitely true)".   Then I hear giggling from her iPad.  

[kristin0713]

9 hours ago, Wheres Toto said:

My kids would have been super depressed during Covid without their online friends.   Both are introverts, but the past year and a half has been rough even for them.   

Yeah, covid has just been horrible for us.  Every social outlet we had was wrecked.  That is when I started allowing my kids to play video games and watch YouTube.  I was/am SO thankful that DD could connect with friends through FaceTime.  Finally, some normalcy is coming back for us now.  Our weekly fine arts program is running in person and they are back at youth group.  But the technology was definitely a lifeline for us for awhile. 

[Farrar]

I agree that it's not so much homeschooling as it is the kid - and I would say, the total approach to parenting. I do know kids who are out of touch with peer culture in part because they're homeschooled, but it's only because homeschooling is going hand in hand with very strict limits on never watching any TV, rarely watching any films, no Youtube or social media of any kind, no popular music or radio. It's more putting those things all together that creates a kid who has little in common with peers.

For my kids, we were relatively relaxed on screens and their use in some ways when they were little, but nothing like it is for young kids today. Like, when my boys were in kindergarten and first grade, I was out of step with most of the parents I knew (including the school parents) because I allowed half an hour of TV in the morning and an hour of TV or little kid video games play in the evening and had Leapsters (remember those!?) that they could use in the car on long trips. The other kids we knew mostly got a movie on the weekends sometimes and rarely anything else. 

We don't really have specific limits now. My kids really fit in with their peers in some ways and not in others. But the not in others mostly don't have to do with homeschooling. The biggest thing that I see that my kids don't understand about their peers are things to do with school - like about what type of work school requires and the ways that it's easier and harder, which keep surprising them when they hear from their friends, who are mostly in school at this point.

[pinball]

10 hours ago, WTM said:

My mom told me when I was in high school that I’d probably always feel lonely. I agree- some people just don’t fit well in dominant culture. I can see that being the case for both of my DC

I have a friend who was so popular in high school and she told me (as an adult) that it was one of the loneliest times of her life.

[Ann.without.an.e]

I've known awkward homeschoolers and awkward private-schoolers and awkward public schoolers. 

I've known social butteries and super socially in tune homeschoolers, private schoolers, and public schoolers.

But really, who cares 🤣  Are they kind?  Do they function well in life?  Do they have the skills necessary to succeed?  A lot of this is chalked up to personality. I think being in the public school setting for so many years can force personalities to fit into molds and be uniformed. It doesn't allow for as much diversity in thought and action and expression.

My dd (not socially awkward at all) is dating a guy who comes across a little quirky and potentially socially awkward and he was always public schooled and she was always homeschooled. 

 

Edited September 22, 2021 by Ann.without.an.e

[elegantlion]

Ds would not have fit in at public school. I didn't, hated the experience of high school and we have similar personalities. DS became an adult with his self-esteem intact - something I didn't have. He's always fit in with older people, most of his friends are older. 
 

Because we were a tech family, we were pretty liberal with computers & the internet. He now does computer programming for fun, was a RA in college and is still working with one of his professors post graduation. There is a clear thread between his interests at age 10 and now. Ironically, he doesn't do regular social media, is very keen on privacy - one of the reasons he's not on social media. He's also the kid who wanted me to paypal some guy in Sweden for a video game in alpha way back in 2000 something. I can't even remember how he found out about it - but it was Minecraft when it was in alpha. 

I think there is a difference between tech & social media for purposes - not just as a time suck. Finding that balance for your own child and household can be challenging. 

 

[Shoeless]

17 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

Fitting in with the dominant culture is absolutely not a goal for us!
 

On the other hand, we don’t want to be so separate that we have no way to communicate. We do know people whose teen kids have never been to a movie, listened to the radio, eaten fast food, etc. 

My kid is out of sync with music, movies, etc because he just isn't into those things yet.  The movies he likes are animated, not the action movies that the teen groups like. He doesn't care yet about pop music. Isn't into fashion. He has some meetups via Zoom that he likes, but he declined the offer when I asked if he wanted more. 

I assume that eventually he will care about those things, but right now I would have to force him to listen to pop music or watch action movies, just so he could "fit in". But that isn't really "fitting in", if I am forcing it. 

[Wheres Toto]

My kids don't watch any of the big popular movies.  They aren't into superhero movies or car movies or action movies or spy movies.  Or any movies really.  I can't even think of the last movie they watched.  

They do know some popular music but mainly from me playing it in the car, or ds from his mash-up groups. 

They've never really fit in well.  Not into the superhero action movies, not into sports, don't follow any teams.   When they were little it made buying certain types of gifts hard because it seemed they only came in superhero characters and sports.  

[theelfqueen]

I've always said my kids aren't weird because they're homeschooled... they're homeschooled because they're weird. 

My youngest is currently at a local high school for a robotics meeting- it's their spirit week and today was beach day, so he dug out an Aloha shirt to wear. He attended public school K-5. It was a terrible fit. He is fine with peers of his choosing - he plays D&D with a close knit group (met through the library, some homeschooled, some public schooled). A variety of other curricular and extracurricular activities with peers. Also a volunteer at the WWII museum with mostly retired adults. This kid has made consistently good online decisions. Discord is life. 

My middle kid was in public school from K-8. It was a dangerous place for that kid, and did a lot of damage. Kid thinks there were definite positives to homeschooling and definite negatives (especially as it is not possible in kid's eyes that decisions we made as parents could possibly right or good). This kid made consistently questionable decisions online and required different monitoring. 

They are more than 4 years apart in age so I didn't feel I need to have consistent rules for them. 

There is a place where fitting in is good and a place where it is negative conformity and peer pressure to dangerous acts. We had to make decisions based on that. 

Edited September 23, 2021 by theelfqueen