Prom age -- hot topic in my community

[Shellydon]

Locally, the high school as instituted a prom age range of 16-19 causing a huge uproar as apparently many girls have boyfriends that are aged 20-24.  The local venues where formal dances are held say their insurance requires a high school dance to only have high school aged participants.  Our homeschool group insurance says this as well, so I am not surprised.  Basically, an adult that is age 22 is not allowed to attend a youth event unless they are a chaperone and employed by the school.   This makes total sense to me but people are freaking out. What is the rule for age of prom attendees in your area?

[ktgrok]

Wait, what high school girl has a boyfriend who is 24?!?!

Prom is the least of the problems there. 

I suppose for the topic at hand, some kind of background check would satisfy insurance requirements? Like, for my 20 yr old to tag along on scout stuff with his younger siblings he had to fill out a leadership/adult form just like the parents do. Surely this is not a big problem for the majority of kids, right? Like, there is one girl who's older brother is taking her or something? RIGHT?! (let me believe that)

[JustEm]

This should not be an issue. It makes perfect sense not to allow non highschool age people into a  highschool event like prom

Edited February 7, 2020 by hjffkj

[historically accurate]

I'm with Ktgrok - high school jr/sr girls should not have boyfriends who are 24!

I don't have a problem with excluding "kids" old enough to legally drink from attending a high school party. 

Homeschool things in my area are grades 8-12 usually; a couple are split 7-9/10-12. Public school homecoming was high school aged only, with forms to be filed if guest is a student at another school (the forms are weird to fill out as a homeschooler, but they took my non-answers/Not Applicable for my dd to attend this year). I assume prom would be the same rules, but I haven't dealt with any schools regarding attendance age yet. 

Edited February 7, 2020 by beckyjo

[Kassia]

Our high school doesn't allow anyone over the age of 19 I think - maybe 20.  My son was dating a younger girl - they met when he was a senior and she was a freshman - and he could go to homecoming/prom the first year two years he was in college I think, but not after that.  I thought it was silly for him to go to high school dances, but kept my mouth shut. 

[katilac]

8 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Wait, what high school girl has a boyfriend who is 24?!?!

Prom is the least of the problems there. 

I suppose for the topic at hand, some kind of background check would satisfy insurance requirements? Like, for my 20 yr old to tag along on scout stuff with his younger siblings he had to fill out a leadership/adult form just like the parents do. Surely this is not a big problem for the majority of kids, right? Like, there is one girl who's older brother is taking her or something? RIGHT?! (let me believe that)

24 is pretty old, yes, but it wouldn't be unusual for a senior to be 18 or 19, and then a 20-yr-old boyfriend would be common. 

But I do think it's a common rule and one that won't be changed because it's based on insurance. There's nothing the school can do about it. The girls can go with friends or skip prom. 

[prairiewindmomma]

High school age only.

So, totally, completely grossed out by the age 24 thing. Most Romeo and Juliet consent laws have a max 3 year age difference for a reason. 

[Junie]

I don't know what the age is here (spoiler alert: my kids are homeschooled 😉 ), but I feel that if someone is mature enough to be dating someone in their twenties, they should be mature enough to realize that going to prom together may not happen.

I think that anyone old enough to buy alcohol should absolutely be prevented from going to a high school prom.

[skimomma]

I'd think it would be a problem on the other end too.  I would assume some juniors and seniors have significant others who are under 16.  Dd went to prom last year with her boyfriend, who was a senior.  She was 15.  According to these rules, she would not have been allowed?  

[ktgrok]

6 minutes ago, skimomma said:

I'd think it would be a problem on the other end too.  I would assume some juniors and seniors have significant others who are under 16.  Dd went to prom last year with her boyfriend, who was a senior.  She was 15.  According to these rules, she would not have been allowed?  

Oh, I totally missed the low end cut off!

That I agree with. I think whatever the lowest age a freshman is would be the age cut off. Or just say freshman in highschool or whatever. A junior dating a freshman is unusual but not terrible by any means. I think I went as a sophomore and my boyfriend was a junior, and I was 15. 

[catz]

I think it's weird there is outrage over this.  I can't imagine an adult over age 20 would even want to attend a high school prom.  That just makes good common sense in terms of liability.  

Prom is just way over hyped in general.  I went in high school and it was fun.  But not necessarily more fun than a bunch of other things groups of teens could do together.  It's not a birth right to attend prom.  

[MysteryJen]

Redshirting for boys is very common here- so there are a surprising amount of boys who turn 19 in the spring of senior year. If a red-shirted boy is also held back at some point, that is turning 20 before graduation. Girls are not redshirted at the same rate, so there are many girls who are 17 when they graduate.  Unintended consequences in some ways. High school age is not as easily determined as it used to be. You could just say that they have to be enrolled in a high school somewhere.

I will say that 21 is too old to go to prom. Just because they can buy alcohol (and pot here), so they should not be at a high school party. Of course, they will be at the after parties anyway.

24 is pretty old to date an 18 yo, but not really that suprising- especially if he is still in college.

[Selkie]

Here, you have to be at least a freshman and I think the upper limit is 19 or 20.

A friend of mine works in a school office and she once had to deal with a mom who was upset that her 8th grade dd was not allowed to attend prom with her 12th grade boyfriend.

[Laura Corin]

1 hour ago, beckyjo said:

I'm with Ktgrok - high school jr/sr girls should not have boyfriends who are 24!

Adults of 18 should not date adults of 24? So undergraduates and graduate students shouldn't date either, a few months after the prom?

[catz]

1 minute ago, Laura Corin said:

Adults of 18 should not date adults of 24? So undergraduates and graduate students shouldn't date either, a few months after the prom?

They can.  It doesn't seem like the best idea to me given the 18 year olds and 24 year olds I know and I certainly wouldn't encourage my 19 year old son to be dating that far out of his age range given the stage of life he is in. 

That said, they don't need to attend an event with primarily minors together.  Date all you want.  But not on the school's watch.  Makes sense to me.  

[Slache]

When I was 16 I had a 21 year old boyfriend who was completely respectful and never pushed for anything. I've known other girls in the same situation. Just because he's older doesn't make him a predator, just good men looking for good wives and willing to wait if the right one was too young.

I would not have complained if I was told he couldn't take me to prom.

[historically accurate]

13 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Adults of 18 should not date adults of 24? So undergraduates and graduate students shouldn't date either, a few months after the prom?

My senior girl is 17, so she's not an adult yet. And she is socially immature just as I was; maybe a 17/18 year old who is more mature than she is or I was could do it well. She's at a completely different life phase than a 24 year old, even one who is a student. Would I forbid her dating a 24 year old? No, but I would discuss a lot with her.

Edited to add: my 17 yo has navigated community college since her freshman year (full-time since second semester soph year), so she is routinely around older students, and her "dating pool" is something we have talked extensively about. She understands that even though she is a student just like them, she is also still in high school. She has found that she really doesn't have much in common with the older students outside of a shared class, at least not enough to start and sustain a dating relationship. 

 

Edited February 7, 2020 by beckyjo

[vonfirmath]

13 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Adults of 18 should not date adults of 24? So undergraduates and graduate students shouldn't date either, a few months after the prom?

 

When I was 18 I had a graduate student interested in me and when I became aware our conversation was more thnan "just talking" I cut him off entirely because the idea freaked me out majorly.  So yes, I'm comfortable with that.

And that is as someone who is married to someone 5 years younger than her -- but we met when he was 24.

[BusyMom5]

Here its freshmen or sophomores can go with a Jr or Sr if they are invited.   I think they can invite someone as old as 20, but that's the upper limit.  Makes sense to me- people like to complain!

[DesertBlossom]

Are the kids complaining or the parents? If it's the kids, you can ignore it. If it's the parents they need a whack upside the head.

[Katy]

I think my high school had a rule change to limit it to 20 year olds when I was a freshman.  Because some moron brought alcohol INSIDE the gym and got caught.

[Sneezyone]

The HS DD attends has plenty of after parties where overage significant others can attend. That said, DH and I married when he was 18 and I was 22. I didn't go to his prom (already had my own and he didn't want to go) but...yeah...22 years later no regerts. I think it's probably better to have eyes on these young people and plenty of supervision  than to ignore the relationships that already exist.

Edited February 7, 2020 by Sneezyone

[happypamama]

No idea what the rules are around here, but I have no problem with a school setting an age cap, or a lower limit.  I just might not agree with what those limits are.  I think 21 is too old because they can provide alcohol.  I personally also think below high school age is too young.  And it seems reasonable to me that they should follow state laws of consent if there are laws about how far apart in age they can be. So 19 attend with a 17yo, fine, but not with a 14yo, if state law doesn't allow for that.

 

My school let my 20 year old boyfriend attend my senior prom with me when I was 18.  They also let me attend his junior prom when I was 15, and he was 17 (and the two in between, lol).  Why would a young adult man want to attend high school prom?  To make his girlfriend happy.  (He did so under some slight protest, haha, but did because I wanted to go.)

Edited February 7, 2020 by happypamama

[HS Mom in NC]

I'm not categorically opposed to an 18 year old dating anyone else 18+.  This question is about a school being legally liable for the minors at an event they host, which is a completely different issue.  The school can set the policy because they're the ones on the line.  No one has to go to prom.  It's just a school dance for heaven's sake. No one will miss out on anything that matters if they skip it for whatever reason.

My husband and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 25.  We married when I was 20 and he was 26. When I was 18 and recently graduated from high school, I was dating someone else who was in his late 20s.  I was an adult and responsible/liable for my own actions. I didn't have an older man at school functions.  I was 18 for about 5 weeks of my senior year. I'm not temperamentally inclined to want to go to prom, so that was never an issue.

Back in 1963 my mother (18) went to her senior prom with my dad (21) who as in the navy, but on leave at the time.  He graduated at 16 and joined the navy at 17.  They got married a couple of years later.

[Sneezyone]

2 hours ago, Seasider too said:

Forgot to say, our private Christian school’s requirement is that a student's nonenrolled guest either be an alumnus of the school or complete a form signed by their church’s pastor. Not sure what the public schools do. 

I do hear that a lot of kids these days do prom but don’t actually even go to the dance for long at all. It’s all about the clothes, the pics and posts, dinner out, limo ride, after partying, watching the sun rise... Wouldn’t be surprised if some of those 20+ boyfriends are just fine waiting in the limo in the parking lot for an hour’s nap between the other events. Sad, but the world is an interesting place these days. 

 

HA! I'd have actually passed muster as an alumnus of the school, lol.

Edited February 7, 2020 by Sneezyone

[katilac]

4 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

 Like, there is one girl who's older brother is taking her or something? RIGHT?! (let me believe that)

Wait, what? The older boyfriend is way less creepy to me than someone's brother taking them to prom! Eww 😂

[Storygirl]

I actually don't know what the age rules are for our public school's prom, even though I have kids in the public school.

When I was in high school in the 80's, my school's rule was that only juniors and seniors could go. No exceptions. Dates from other schools had to pre-register with some kind of form that verified their enrollment status. There were some unhappy people, because it wasn't uncommon for juniors to date sophomores, etc., but the administration stuck with that rule.

The idea of a 24 year old going to prom is mind boggling to me.

[katilac]

4 minutes ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

Why?

Because it's your brother. You can go to prom stag, you can go to prom with friends, you can go to prom with a date, but why you would go to prom with your brother? Is that a thing in some places that I'm completely unaware of? 

[sweet2ndchance]

As someone who is married to someone 7 years younger than me, I still think it is a dumb thing to be in an uproar over. Of course, neither of us knew each other when we were high school age/young adult but I also don't categorically oppose relationships with large age gaps. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But my first husband was my high school sweetheart and he was 45 days older than me and that relationship was a train wreck almost from the beginning. Age is no guarantee of anything in my opinion. But in the current state of the world and the likelihood of lawsuits and allegations that would need to be litigated, I can see the school wanting to error on the side of caution. Like someone else said, no one has to go to prom.

I went with my now ex-husband to prom my senior year. I know prom was in the spring of my senior year but so is my birthday. I was either 17 or just turned 18 and my now ex-husband was 18. The whole event was underwhelming in my opinion. If you really just want a special night with your boyfriend or girlfriend who is outside of the school's specified age limit, just have a special night, all dressed up, and get some pictures done or get a photographer friend to take some pictures. 

I do think the lower limit is a bit weird. I know lots of girls who made it their mission in their teenage life to go to prom all 4 years of high school and many of them succeeded. I don't see why they are excluding the freshman class and probably a large percentage of the sophomore class. I'm sure they have their reasons though.

I don't see why it would be creepy to have your brother, especially an older brother, chaperone his sister to her prom. I think it sounds really sweet. Maybe I missed the part in the prom handbook that says that you have to dance with whoever brought you (though having a dance with your brother ought not be weird but I know it could be perceived that way) or that you had to be in a romantic relationship with the person. I knew lots of people who went to the prom together just as friends, no romantic relationship involved at all.

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

Wait, what? The older boyfriend is way less creepy to me than someone's brother taking them to prom! Eww 😂

I don't know....I think I saw some sappy post on facebook about it or something once...maybe I made it up, lol. Maybe like, she's sworn off going because her date bailed on her and dumped her for some other girl, and all her friends are going but she won't and then regrets it but her brother offers to take her? Something? LOL, I never had an older brother and always wanted one so maybe I'm being insane. 

[katilac]

27 minutes ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

Because you like your brother and he enjoys proms and either you go to a school where he isn’t eligible to buy his own ticket, or he and you go to a school where you get a discount if you buy 2 tickets?

How is that different from going with a platonic friend?

 

I stand firm that an older brother who enjoys proms so much that he wants to go with his sister is creepier than an older boyfriend who wants to go with his girlfriend. There are other dances he could attend, so . . . what? He really likes sporting a rented tux and boutonniere? If he's not older but rather not eligible to buy a ticket, then he's your younger brother and, again, hard pass and he should wait for his own prom. If you are both upperclassmen and get a discount for buying two tickets, that is not going to prom together. 

How is it different from going with a platonic friend? For starters, friends don't always stay friends, but we all hope that brothers stay brothers. In the states, it's impossible to argue that proms don't have a romantic aura, even if tons of kids go stag or with friends. Reference:  promposals, friends to lovers trope, swiping your v-card on prom night trope, dramatic transformation trope, as seen in John Hughes movies, Disney movies, every teen tv show ever, Seventeen magazine, Pinterest, etc. 

If someone can't dredge up a platonic friend, going to prom with their brother is really not going to help that situation. 

[katilac]

Of course, I am now hoping that you did not go to prom with your brother. 

[katilac]

4 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I don't know....I think I saw some sappy post on facebook about it or something once...maybe I made it up, lol. Maybe like, she's sworn off going because her date bailed on her and dumped her for some other girl, and all her friends are going but she won't and then regrets it but her brother offers to take her? Something? LOL, I never had an older brother and always wanted one so maybe I'm being insane. 

I'm willing to concede that there may be certain very limited exceptions to my otherwise firm 'don't bring your sibling to prom' rule, but it has to be a very good backstory. 

 

[katilac]

1 hour ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

Because you like your brother and he enjoys proms and either you go to a school where he isn’t eligible to buy his own ticket, or he and you go to a school where you get a discount if you buy 2 tickets?

I mean, I like my brother and my brother enjoys eating out, but I'm not taking him to dinner on Valentine's Day, even if we get a discount 😂

[ktgrok]

Ok, found this! 

 

[Tap]

Here, if the date is one year out of high school (technically less that one year since prom is before graduation), they can go, but only with permission from the principal.  Except in extremely rare circumstances, this would prevent any traditional student over 21 attending. (Life skills programs may have different rules). Actually, it is common here that taking a date from another school, also requires this. The student must be in good standing at their school, to attend another high school's prom.  I think it is reasonable. There is no reason that the high school student has to take a date. Presumably, the person can go with a group of friends instead, so they don't miss out on the prom if that is important to them. 

[Shellydon]

6 hours ago, skimomma said:

I'd think it would be a problem on the other end too.  I would assume some juniors and seniors have significant others who are under 16.  Dd went to prom last year with her boyfriend, who was a senior.  She was 15.  According to these rules, she would not have been allowed?  

Here one school has a rule of must be a junior and age 16, the other has a cut off of sophomore and age 15

[katilac]

1 hour ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

You're making an assumption that he has a sister and not a brother.  I could totally see two brothers, or two sisters going and enjoying themselves.  

I am the one arguing that one should have to be in high school to go to the prom, or maybe be in high school or have graduated within the past 12 months, and that that's a limit that's more respectful of students with disabilities who are often in high school until 21.  So, I was responding specifically to the idea that taking your brother is gross.  I can think of a recent example of one of my students who has a disability and thus doesn't attend their zoned school, bringing a twin, who attends a different school, to prom as a way for them to get to know the twin's classmates and have fun together before they're separated when ones goes off to college. 

Bolding by me: I was responding to the post that said hopefully the older guy was a brother, so yes, specifically addressing brother and sister going together. And yes, I think it's weird in general. I do agree that two brothers or two sisters or even a sister and a brother could both go to the same prom (because they're both upperclassmen at the same school) and have fun. I wouldn't call that going to prom together, just happenstance. 

If a kid has certain disabilities or special needs, that's maybe an exception. As I said, there are always exceptions, but I'm good with a general rule of not going to prom with your brother, lol. 

2 hours ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

But Valentines Day is all about dating and romance.  In my experience, prom is about having fun with your high school friend.  Once upon a time it was about something different, and there are still kids who go as couples, but the majority of kids aren't, at least not at the high school I taught at. 

The very existence of the word 'promposal' would seem to verify that an aura of dating and romance still encircles prom night. 

[Farrar]

I'm not saying that 18/19 year olds should not be allowed to date people in their early 20's. On the other hand, I do find that when one party is still at home, still completely dependant on parents, and the other party is independent, that's skeevy. Either way, I think having a cut off is reasonable. And it's insurance, so, hey, no one even needs to argue.

The low end cut off would bug me a bit more. Some juniors are 16 and if they were dating a 15 yo sophomore, that seems beyond fine to me, and totally prom-appropriate.

[Shellydon]

Too add-- prom is held either in a country club or hotel ballroom venue. Both venues have bars in the lobby. I think this is part of the issue, however if they held the prom in the gym then only seniors could attend due to size

[LucyStoner]

I have no idea.   I do recall that:

*when I attended a senior prom I was 16 and a junior at a different school.  My date was 18 and a senior at the school.  There was one girl in his friend group that we had dinner with and her date was in college so I assumed like 19-21 but he looked really old to me and I thought it was a bit sketch but he didn’t do anything inappropriate or obtain underaged kids anything illicit for us to have.  In hindsight, he could have easily been a guy who just had visible hairloss at 20.  it happens.  But to 16 year old me, dude was old.  His date was 18 though so I don’t think it would be an issue.  
 

*Because my husband owned a tuxedo, when he was home from college in his small town his freshman and sophomore years, sometimes a friend from high school would ask him to take one of their friends to the dance if she didn’t have a date.  Where he lived, every tine having a date to prom was a big deal and people didn’t really go stag or in groups.  I’m pretty sure he wasn’t more than 19 at his last one though. 
 

Most of the proms here aren’t at the high school- they are in venues that host a wide array of events.  I don’t think those event venues have insurance carriers that don’t cover adults.  

Edited February 8, 2020 by LucyStoner

[HS Mom in NC]

14 hours ago, Farrar said:

 On the other hand, I do find that when one party is still at home, still completely dependant on parents, and the other party is independent, that's skeevy.

That was our situation, and no, it wasn't skeevy.

[Pen]

15 hours ago, Farrar said:

I'm not saying that 18/19 year olds should not be allowed to date people in their early 20's. On the other hand, I do find that when one party is still at home, still completely dependant on parents, and the other party is independent, that's skeevy.

 

Times have sure changed!  Used to be normal / common that man was on his own working and female was still at parental home.  

We are in a rural area now where it still probably is more common for age difference and marriages sooner after high school.

 

 

[Farrar]

5 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

That was our situation, and no, it wasn't skeevy.

There's an inherent power imbalance there. I'm not saying it can't ever work out... but it's not something I'm ever going to think is okay in the moment. It's like a boss and a subordinate or a teacher and a student. And just like those sometimes work out, I'm sure 18 yo high school student and grown up of just a few years older who is working and living independently can too... but it also doesn't mean I think it's a good idea for anyone.

[HS Mom in NC]

3 hours ago, Farrar said:

There's an inherent power imbalance there. I'm not saying it can't ever work out... but it's not something I'm ever going to think is okay in the moment. It's like a boss and a subordinate or a teacher and a student. And just like those sometimes work out, I'm sure 18 yo high school student and grown up of just a few years older who is working and living independently can too... but it also doesn't mean I think it's a good idea for anyone.

You're overstating the amount of power involved. College students and working young adults living at home are just as free to walk away from that relationship as those living on their own are. It's not at all like an employee/employer relationship.  I think you're uncomfortable with things that aren't within your personal cultural norm and looking for a reason to moralize your personal preferences as a general principle. 

[LucyStoner]

Half your age plus seven works for me.   By the metric, 19 and 24 is ok, 18 or under and 24 is not ok for me.  When I find myself skeeved by an age difference, sometimes it’s the immaturity of the older person that gives me pause.  When was just 22, anyone under 18 seemed just waaaaaay too young. 

[Farrar]

36 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

You're overstating the amount of power involved. College students and working young adults living at home are just as free to walk away from that relationship as those living on their own are. It's not at all like an employee/employer relationship.  I think you're uncomfortable with things that aren't within your personal cultural norm and looking for a reason to moralize your personal preferences as a general principle. 

Nope. And independent doesn’t mean dependent college student in a dorm. That’s not an independent adult. That’s a dependent young adult whose primary residence is still at home. Which is why i specified independent adults. Power imbalances that start a relationship are definitely problematic. Can they be overcome? Yes. But they are still a problem. And way too often, the imbalance is in favor of men.

[Tap]

19 hours ago, Farrar said:

I'm not saying that 18/19 year olds should not be allowed to date people in their early 20's. On the other hand, I do find that when one party is still at home, still completely dependant on parents, and the other party is independent, that's skeevy. Either way, I think having a cut off is reasonable. And it's insurance, so, hey, no one even needs to argue.

The low end cut off would bug me a bit more. Some juniors are 16 and if they were dating a 15 yo sophomore, that seems beyond fine to me, and totally prom-appropriate.

Where someone resides has very, very little to do with emotional maturity. We live in an HCOL area. Living at home vs. living on your own doesn't always have much to do with emotional maturity. Sometimes living at home is a mature decision (to save money, support the family, or as a temporary residence). Some people are kicked out or leave home as a teenager. That doesn't mean they are emotionally mature. 

I have a friend who kicked her 2 girls out of the house at 18/19, but paid for their apartment and expenses. She sold the large family home they were raised in, and bought a 1 bedroom condo instead.  She didn't want to do home maintenance but also didn't want to buy more than she would need in a few years. They were not emotionally mature in any way, and got their first jobs after they moved out.

[catz]

I commented as someone whose spouse as 8 years older.  Though we were older when we met and I was 29 when I married.  Adults can date whoever they want.  I don’t think they need to be at a school sponsored event.  Adults have the luxury of having many places to go out.  Prom was meant as a more formal event for teens. As someone on the board of a couple teen centered groups and there is liability involved with having adults in the mix.  Your boyfriend may be fine and your relationship may be wonderful but schools and adult chaperones have no way to know that.  This one school dance is not a birthright.  
 

I personally was not in a place to date anywhere near that far out of my age range or station in life prior to like 23+/post college with a professional career when I was adulting in all the ways and had my head on pretty straight.  I suspect my own kids will be similar given the trajectory.  But like many things in life ymmv.  

[rebcoola]

I did date someone who was 22 when I was 17.  I also met DH who is 8yrs older than me when I was 19.  But I still think having an age limit on prom is fine.  It is a high school event.  Our Home school prom is not just for seniors.  Has an age range 13 & 8th grade to 19 and no more than 1 year since graduation.