Grandparents and teenage kids

[Pen]

How often do your teen  dc speak to long distance grandparents (or similar relatives) on phone?

Do you have to push them to do so? 

Is there anything that can help build or maintain relationships?

Or the reverse?

I think grandma tends to be too critical and negative or worried about things that might be said, as a reason that tends to lead to avoidance of talking with her. Whereas at younger stage she tended to be more doting. 

[gardenmom5]

mil lived 900 miles away from my kids for most of their growing up lives.  I think 2ds was the only teen left when she moved in with sil.  they NEVER spoke with her, unless they happend to pick up the phone when she called.

I've no idea what the relationship was between her and favorite sil's kids.  (I know one, who when she heard mil was coming into her wedding reception venue - made haste to be elsewhere. - and at least 2 of 3 of her daughters, chose to get married elsewhere solely so mil couldn't attend their weddings.)

when they were younger, I tried keeping her updated on what they were doing - she never asked, it was all me telling.   on two separate occasions, we facilitated children spending time with her.  if I had it to do  over, I seriously wouldn't bother.  she really wasn't interested.

 

so- do your children's grandparent WANT to have a relationship with the grandchildren?   that's the first question you need to answer.   and if the children perceive her as critical of them, they won't want to spend time with her.

[sdobis]

My ds was always close to his long distance grandparents because he was raised by them for the first 4 years of his life. The bond is really strong.

With my dd it's different. They love each other and enjoy time together when that happens.  She's never been good on the phone. I don't push phone time too often. Sometimes grandma will ask to talk with her and she will. It's just a little more awkward. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Once my kids were teens, we switched from the idea that the grandparents were there to bless the children to the children were there to bless the grandparents.  (My mom is almost 94 so my parents and my in-laws were definitely elderly by the time my kids were teens.  Other families might have younger grandparents with different dynamics).  My kids know how thrilled the elderly grandparents are with the occasional phone call or snail mail note.  Occasionally I will suggest one or they will do it on their own. 

[prairiewindmomma]

We have found that FaceTiming/videoconferencing is a lot easier than just chatting. My own parents have become less engaged as we moved from childhood to teen hood.  They aren't as interested now that they are out of the cute/toy phase.  I've had to do a lot of coaching with my teens to get them to steer towards conversational topics that will engage my parents.  I'm honestly very sad for everyone. We aim for weekly conversation---I'll start and end it, and then loop through family members for a few minutes each in the middle of the convo. 

[marbel]

My kids don't talk to their grandparents much.  GPs (my inlaws) have never been all that interested in our kids.  It's because we raised them differently than my in-laws expected. My son was not on the high school football team, and my daughter was not a cheerleader.  Every now and then my daughter will email a photo she took, or my son will send an interesting article about firefighting (he is a volunteer at our tiny suburban station that rarely gets any action).  They talk on Christmas, birthdays, mother/father's day.  And that's about it. 

I understand Jean's comment about the children blessing the grandparents.  My husband and I would agree with that in theory, but it doesn't work when the GPs have made it obvious that the are not interested, or are even downright disappointed, in the grandchildren from a young age.

[Farrar]

Honestly, they don't. I prod them to text occasionally. One grandma stalks their IG social media a bit. They sometimes email.

My mother (who can be a bit all over the place, honestly) spent the last year being grouchy about the kids not being as close anymore. She was like, they don't respect me, they roll their eyes at me, whine, whine. I'm like, mom, chill out. They're young teens. They do that to EVERYONE. They do that to me. You can't take it personally. And really, they don't. They're perfectly polite to her. But it's true that she was a bit dramatic at them several times and they were like, whatever and ignored her a bit. Which, they're teenagers! Again, chill.

But she clearly made a decision to calm down about it. She bought them each tickets to go do something cool with her this winter/spring. She'll see a touring Broadway show with my Broadway geek and she's taking BalletBoy to the ballet. She's taking them both out for a nice meal just them beforehand. It means she has to come back up here to do it (she's about 4.5 hrs away). I think this is a good move on her part. 

[Momto6inIN]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Once my kids were teens, we switched from the idea that the grandparents were there to bless the children to the children were there to bless the grandparents.  (My mom is almost 94 so my parents and my in-laws were definitely elderly by the time my kids were teens.  Other families might have younger grandparents with different dynamics).  My kids know how thrilled the elderly grandparents are with the occasional phone call or snail mail note.  Occasionally I will suggest one or they will do it on their own. 

Thank you for this great reminder!!!

[Robin M]

My son (19) likes to text his uncles a couple times a week and has been talking to one uncle at least once a week.  He texts my dad (87) once every couple weeks or randomly calls him. He started doing it a few months ago on his own. He doesn't have his own cell phone so uses mine and makes sure they know its him texting or calling.   My dad is ultra busy but has bluetooth in his car, so calls to chat while driving from place to place.  

Hubby's dad calls once a week and sometimes will talk with son. Depends on his mood and energy. 

Edited January 5, 2019 by Robin M

[Annie G]

When our kids were teens they didn’t talk to the grandparents on the phone other than holidays or if they happened to answer the phone. But once our moms passed away the kids realized how lonely grandpa was and how just a simple phone call made his day brighter and they stepped up. It ebbs and flows but they definitely call a whole lot more these days. 

[Momto6inIN]

My parents are (and have always been) heavily invested in my kids. They email and text and make an effort to visit every month or so. Phone calls are nonexistent, that's just not how my teens communicate. My folks are pretty realistic that teens will not be as excited about time with their grandparents as they were when they were little and spoiled, but thankfully my older kids still make an effort to be around at least a little while when they visit for a weekend. They are interested in my kids' activities and they all like to talk politics together 🙂

Relationship with DH's parents is very different. The same amount of love investment is there, but their family dynamic is just not comparable because they have about 34 grandchildren vs my parents' 7 (5 of which are mine 🙃). They are also older and have less income for travel and gifts. My kids make an effort to go with us when we visit them, but it's not as often as we see my folks (me and DH's fault, not DC's). They are also not as technologically "with it" as my parents,  so not as much texting and emailing.

I was thankful for Jean's reminder that I should be more proactive in encouraging my kids to reach out instead of receiving.

[Meriwether]

My teens rarely speak on the phone with their grandparents. We see my parents (6 hours away) about 10 times per year for at least 3 days at a time. We see my in-laws a couple of times per year. Phone conversations tend to resemble real life interactions, nice with my parents and awkward with my in-laws. So I think there needs to be some kind of happy relationship before the phone calls will be easy and fun.

[Frances]

On 1/5/2019 at 11:52 AM, Jean in Newcastle said:

Once my kids were teens, we switched from the idea that the grandparents were there to bless the children to the children were there to bless the grandparents.  (My mom is almost 94 so my parents and my in-laws were definitely elderly by the time my kids were teens.  Other families might have younger grandparents with different dynamics).  My kids know how thrilled the elderly grandparents are with the occasional phone call or snail mail note.  Occasionally I will suggest one or they will do it on their own. 

My

Edited March 6, 2019 by Frances

[Farrar]

Thinking about what Jean said... I like the idea that my kids will give back... but it's true that the dynamic is different with much younger grandparents.

One thing I'm witnessing with my mother and nephews (who are much younger, but still)... the things they want from her as a grandparent are radically different than the things she wants to do as a grandparent. It's a huge source of tension. I think this is probably a mismatch for a lot of teens and grandparents these days in general. The forms of communication that teens want to use are different than the ones grandparents expect and are fluent with. The things teens want may not be the things grandparents can give and vice versa. If there's going to be a relationship, both sides may need to recognize those things and want the relationship despite them.

[Loowit]

My kids grew up with grandparents relatively close by.  A few years ago DH's parents decided to sell their house and travel full time.  My kid were used to seeing them several times a week, almost daily at times, to now seeing them every few months.  It was a hard transition.  The original plan was that grandparents were going to skype with kids at least once a week, but that doesn't really happen.  My kids can try to call them, but grandparents are not always available by phone due to location and reception issues, so really it has been on grandparents to initiate most of the contact.

Honestly, I leave it up to them (my kids and their grandparents) to figure out.  When ILs are in town they all seem to get along just fine.  The kids spent a week with their grandparents last summer and had a wonderful time for the most part.  But my ILs are pretty good at being intentional about making time for grandkids, although it has been harder as the kids have gotten older.  My MIL is more of a baby/toddler person and struggles to understand teens, but she tries very hard even if she isn't always successful and my kids really notice this and appreciate it.

There are times that something big life event happens and I encourage them to call grandparents to let them know because I know it means a lot to the grandparents to hear about these things from the kids.  Recently MIL invited DD over to their RV (they are in town for a month) just to talk about DD's college preview and how it went.  Tomorrow MIL and DD are going to an art class together as part of DD's Christmas present.  MIL cultivated a relationships with the kids as they were growing up and it seems to be paying off in that the kids enjoy spending time with them now even as teens.

[kbutton]

My kids are close to their grandparents but are not big on talking on the phone in general--has nothing to do with grandparents themselves. They will do so from time to time, but most of their relationship is fostered by spending time together doing things they all enjoy. I have one teen and one tween, for reference. They are closer to one side than the other, but that's due to other dynamics. They are also close to their great-grandmother and were as close to their great-grandfather as was reasonable for how much they were able to be with him. 

We don't live close to any of the grandparents, but we do see them several times per year, and they are very involved when we are together. We've also vacationed together with one set more than once.

[gardenmom5]

I think the type of grandparent one is is related to the type of parent one is (and the relationship with that child.)

parents who have certain expectations of their own child - will generally have certain expectations of a grandchild.

parents who took the time to learn about their own children's likes/dislikes - is far more likely to learn about their grandchildren's like/dislikes.   those are things that can greatly affect a relationship.

i'm just started out - he's a baby - but I try to fly down to see him and play with him (and have to lecture the kids their videos of him are way too short ;p).  my own mother had many faults as a parent, but she was interested in who the grandkids were.

[StephanieZ]

My kids, when teens and before, were very close to my mom . . . probably because SHE invested so much in their relationships. She took each one on one-on-one trips most years (every kid every year once she was retired, rotating kids when she was working FT). She also visited them at least about every 6 weeks their entire lives, even when we lived far away and that included flights with connections . . . and she was working FT. 

My dad died when they were tiny. 

The kids other grandparents (my inlaws) have close to zero relationship with them, as they invest no time or effort in having one. My college kids actually go out of their way to stop at the grandparents' house on their way to/from college regularly (2-4 times a year), and the grandparents are nice about it and eat dinner with them . . . but don't even bother to rearrange their routine (AT ALL) to see them more in the morning, etc. They're just not into family, very self-centered, so that's not surprising having known them forever. If my college kids didn't go out of their way to do this, they'd only see them every 3-5 years, when we invite them to a graduation/whatever, and they manage to take 24 hours out of their very busy (not) schedules to attend for as brief a time as they can get away with. 

Sooooo, my 2c. Teens-grandparent relationship is all on the grandparent. If they want it, they have to make it happen, which means TIME together doing enjoyable things. If major travel (my mom did Intergenerational Elderhostels -- now called RoadScholar trips -- for the vast majority of her 1-on-1 trips . . .  and she rented beach houses for the entire family when we were poorer and she was richer . . . and then gladly came along on annual beach and other trips that we paid for when we were no longer poor and she was retired. In between, when we were all fairly financially comfortable . . . she would offer to pitch in towards a house rental and pay her own flight if needed . . . essentially, over 20 years or so, it went from Mom paying for the vast majority of group vacation expenses to my husband and I paying for it all . . . just evolved in proportion to our financial circumstances.) But, one way or another, she and our kids and my husband and I (plus or minus my brother at times) spent at least a week each year somewhere fun together. 

When Mom babysat the kids or was visiting, she always made it her top priority to do fun things with them. Whether it's a day trip to a local attraction/zoo/museum/aquarium/pool or baking cookies, etc, she did whatever she could think of. She also bought thoughtful gifts (in consultation with me). 

When Mom had dementia and could no longer travel solo safely, her then-teen grandkids acted as her companion/guardian on her OWN trips to visit my brother (her son) across the country many times, and one of our then-teens (our eldest) drove her to church and brunch every week (I don't do church if I can avoid it). . . etc. As young teens, they became loving caregivers to her, because of the example she set and the relationship she built. 

When I'm a grandma, I'll do everything in my power to emulate the example my mom set. She was THE BEST grandma (and mom). 

[RootAnn]

No phone calls. In person visits and hand-written thank you notes. The "better" half of each grandparent set is dead. My mom is toxic, so I try to limit exposure. 

[Alicia64]

Pen,

My parents were highly critical towards one son and overly-accepting of the other. (Made zero sense.)

Critical grandparents are rough on kids. Personally? I would never encourage my kids to be relational with anyone who treated them poorly.

Alley

[Garga]

35 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I think the type of grandparent one is is related to the type of parent one is (and the relationship with that child.)

parents who have certain expectations of their own child - will generally have certain expectations of a grandchild.

parents who took the time to learn about their own children's likes/dislikes - is far more likely to learn about their grandchildren's like/dislikes.   those are things that can greatly affect a relationship.

i'm just started out - he's a baby - but I try to fly down to see him and play with him (and have to lecture the kids their videos of him are way too short ;p).  my own mother had many faults as a parent, but she was interested in who the grandkids were.

 

This.  The generation of people who are now grandparents are people who sent their kids out to play all day and maybe saw them after dinner when the sun went down or they were working in the 80s and their kids were latch-key kids and were left to their own devices most of the time.  They were MUCH more hands off than parents are nowadays.  My parents didn’t do half of the parenting that I do now.  I see my parents every 2 or 3 years (they live 2500 miles away), and my mom is always good-naturedly astounded at “how much you do with the boys!”  And when I think back, I guess I do do a lot with them compared to what my parents did with me.  Just because they’re grandparents now doesn’t mean they suddenly know how to relate to kids/teens.

And sometimes Grandma is a pill and the kids flat out cringe when they have to spend time with her.  

Just today, my MIL invited us all to KFC for lunch.  My DS16 got a goofy hat with a propeller on the top for Christmas. He thinks it’s hilarious to wear it out in public.  Halfway through lunch, my MIL gave him a pinched little look and said, “Are you wearing a *hat* at the table!?”  I’m like, “What the heck?!”  This is 2018 and no one in our area ever notices stuff like that.  Guys come in to fast food restaurants with baseball caps and wear them all the time.  It’s just not the culture around here to remove hats at fast food restaurants.  It was bizarre for her to mention it.  Bascially, if anyone else wore a hat she wouldn’t have even thought about it, but she *searches* for things to critize the kids about.

My DS13 put blue highlights in his hair and LOVED them.  He was ecstatic about them.  She saw them, gave a raised eyebrow and said, “So *why* are boys doing this?  Why are they dying their hair blue?”  Of course DS13 didn’t have an answer.  Kids do it because it’s fun.  But he certainly, 100% clearly understood the criticism.  He’s standing there in front of her with blue in his hair and she clearly doesn’t approve and has to ask him why boys would do such a thing.

Sometimes she says, “The kids get bored here at the house and never want to visit...” and she seems wistful.  All I know is that sorry, not sorry, you brought that on yourself by being a turd to your grandkids.  She buys them lunch and gives them a nice amount of money at Christmas and a few things like that, but it’s always at the cost of being criticized.  And yeah, they’re bored out of their minds at her house.  She picks tense little arguments with FIL whenever we visit and it’s awkward and boring to watch her pick on her husband.  

Blah.  

As far as my parents—they live far away and haven’t made any effort to form a relationship with the kids.  When we visit, it’s awesome.  They come up with all sorts of activities for the entire time we’re there.  They are AWESOME hosts.  They make it a blast to visit.  But once we leave...it’s radio silence.  They have nothing to say to the kids.  They won’t learn to text or anything because they hate technology. 

I kinda think that the generation of parents today will be very different grandparents from the generation who are grandparents now.

Edited January 6, 2019 by Garga

[WendyLady]

My teenagers rarely chat on the phone with my parents, though they occasionally text.  When we visit them or they visit us, my parents spend a lot of time interacting with my kids.  My dad makes fudge with my son.  My mom is interested in joining in with any activity - games, puzzels, shopping or college tours. Both parents love attending concerts and sports events, etc.  My mom sends cute little notes and packages for my teens a few times a year (birthdays, easter, halloween, christmas).  I feel like they know my teens and love them. My kids have reached out to them for help on school projects in their field of expertise. 

Our oldest two kids have gone to college near my parents and have spent lots of time with them there.  Eating Sunday dinner at grandma's house a couple times a month, introducing them to roommates and friends, meeting up for lunch, being rescued by grandma, etc.  I love that they have both had the opportunity to really get to know my parents.  Our dd18 is hoping to hear from that same college soon.  I care more about the time spent with my parents than their education (almost).

My dh's parents, on the other hand, have never shown much interest in my kids since they were babies, and even then, they preferred our oldest daughter and would exclude our second daughter.  They do make an effort to visit us, but do not engage with our kids and are not at all interested in going to school programs or other kid events when they are in town.  They don't try to engage them in conversation when visiting, and don't send gifts or cards or notes. They prefer tv to people or activities. They are very involved with the grandkids who live close to them.  We haven't lived close to them since oldest dd was a baby (she is 24.)  They have shown up for big life events for our older kids - weddings and college graduation.  Also, grandpa is very involved in social media and will "like" and "comment" on most of the kids posts (the kids don't always love that, though)

I know I could have done more to involve them and haven't done that, so I can't blame them for not being close to my kids.  Also, my parents are really great to spend time with, it is hard to compete, you know? 

Anyway, we just spent the best week with my parents and all of my sisters.  So much fun with cousins!  it was awesome to see the love that my parents have for ALL of their grand kids.  They really are the best. 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Alicia64 said:

Pen,

My parents were highly critical towards one son and overly-accepting of the other. (Made zero sense.)

Critical grandparents are rough on kids. Personally? I would never encourage my kids to be relational with anyone who treated them poorly.

Alley

THIS.

when the parents push their child to have a relationship with someone who treats them poorly, they are teaching their children they have to tolerate being treated poorly.  so what if it's a grandparent?

there are ways to teach our kids to have a relationship with a critical grandparent - but it is not "you have to have a relationship (re: tolerate this) with grandparent".   it's a "we are serving grandparent by sending them a card on their birthday.  talking to them, (but ending the conversation when grandparent starts being critical.  even if it's five minutes after the conversation started.) - that is teaching them boundaries, as well as how to treat people (who are difficult) with kindness - while also recognizing we don't have to tolerate being treated poorly.  (and how to handle it.)

[Frances]

1 hour ago, Garga said:

 

This.  The generation of people who are now grandparents are people who sent their kids out to play all day and maybe saw them after dinner when the sun went down or they were working in the 80s and their kids were latch-key kids and were left to their own devices most of the time.  They were MUCH more hands off than parents are nowadays.  My parents didn’t do half of the parenting that I do now.  I see my parents every 2 or 3 years (they live 2500 miles away), and my mom is always good-naturedly astounded at “how much you do with the boys!”  And when I think back, I guess I do do a lot with them compared to what my parents did with me.  Just because they’re grandparents now doesn’t mean they suddenly know how to relate to kids/teens.

And sometimes Grandma is a pill and the kids flat out cringe when they have to spend time with her.  

Just today, my MIL invited us all to KFC for lunch.  My DS16 got a goofy hat with a propeller on the top for Christmas. He thinks it’s hilarious to wear it out in public.  Halfway through lunch, my MIL gave him a pinched little look and said, “Are you wearing a *hat* at the table!?”  I’m like, “What the heck?!”  This is 2018 and no one in our area ever notices stuff like that.  Guys come in to fast food restaurants with baseball caps and wear them all the time.  It’s just not the culture around here to remove hats at fast food restaurants.  It was bizarre for her to mention it.  Bascially, if anyone else wore a hat she wouldn’t have even thought about it, but she *searches* for things to critize the kids about.

My DS13 put blue highlights in his hair and LOVED them.  He was ecstatic about them.  She saw them, gave a raised eyebrow and said, “So *why* are boys doing this?  Why are they dying their hair blue?”  Of course DS13 didn’t have an answer.  Kids do it because it’s fun.  But he certainly, 100% clearly understood the criticism.  He’s standing there in front of her with blue in his hair and she clearly doesn’t approve and has to ask him why boys would do such a thing.

Sometimes she says, “The kids get bored here at the house and never want to visit...” and she seems wistful.  All I know is that sorry, not sorry, you brought that on yourself by being a turd to your grandkids.  She buys them lunch and gives them a nice amount of money at Christmas and a few things like that, but it’s always at the cost of being criticized.  And yeah, they’re bored out of their minds at her house.  She picks tense little arguments with FIL whenever we visit and it’s awkward and boring to watch her pick on her husband.  

Blah.  

As far as my parents—they live far away and haven’t made any effort to form a relationship with the kids.  When we visit, it’s awesome.  They come up with all sorts of activities for the entire time we’re there.  They are AWESOME hosts.  They make it a blast to visit.  But once we leave...it’s radio silence.  They have nothing to say to the kids.  They won’t learn to text or anything because they hate technology. 

I kinda think that the generation of parents today will be very different grandparents from the generation who are grandparents now.

Neither my parents nor my husband’s parents were anything like you describe this generation of grandparents. It’s one of the reasons why I’m so puzzled by my MILs apparent lack of interest in our son, one of only two grandchildren. She’s exteremely self-focused, so perhaps that is why. Had my FIL not died so young, I do think things would be different.

[Scarlett]

My son was very very close to his grandparents,...my parents...went young.  By the time he was 12 he pulled away.  He felt they were critical of him., they have an ok relationship now.  But I think it could be better if they were less judge of his every move.  

As far as his other grandmother....I make him call her a few times a year.  She talks like 2 min and then has to go.  She has little interest.  But I want to be sure I do my part.  

[Garga]

1 hour ago, Frances said:

Neither my parents nor my husband’s parents were anything like you describe this generation of grandparents. It’s one of the reasons why I’m so puzzled by my MILs apparent lack of interest in our son, one of only two grandchildren. She’s exteremely self-focused, so perhaps that is why. Had my FIL not died so young, I do think things would be different.

 

I had all four grandparents until I was in my 20s.  I had three until I was in my 40s.  I’m down to one. They all lived in the west coast and I on the east coast.

Out of all 4 of them, one grandmother sent me birthday and Christmas presents and talked to me on the phone for about 2 minutes a few times a year until I hit my mid teens.  The others completely ignored me.  As a child, I was very sad about this.    

All I know is that I’m going to be an awesome grandparent.  I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.  *I* will do it.  I won’t expect my kids to do it, my DILs to do it, or my grandkids to do it.  I don’t understand why grandparents drop the ball so badly.  Maybe when I’m older I’ll suddenly understand, but at 46, I don’t get it AT ALL.  

[Scarlett]

35 minutes ago, Garga said:

 

I had all four grandparents until I was in my 20s.  I had three until I was in my 40s.  I’m down to one. They all lived in the west coast and I on the east coast.

Out of all 4 of them, one grandmother sent me birthday and Christmas presents and talked to me on the phone for about 2 minutes a few times a year until I hit my mid teens.  The others completely ignored me.  As a child, I was very sad about this.    

All I know is that I’m going to be an awesome grandparent.  I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.  *I* will do it.  I won’t expect my kids to do it, my DILs to do it, or my grandkids to do it.  I don’t understand why grandparents drop the ball so badly.  Maybe when I’m older I’ll suddenly understand, but at 46, I don’t get it AT ALL.  

Many times the grandparents realize they have zero control or influence over grandkids  and they quickly lose interest.  That is the case with my xMIL.  With my parents....I think they failed to realize how things change as kids get older.  

Edited January 6, 2019 by Scarlett

[J-rap]

We're lucky in that we live close enough (a few hours away) that we've seen grandparents often throughout the years.  In fact, we probably end up staying with my parents for at least a month spread out through the year, yearly, and they've often come out to visit us and watch our kids in various performances and events.  As a result, my kids are (and were as teens) very close to their grandparents.  But, they (my kids) were never too good at calling.  We just weren't a family that talked a lot on the phone like that, I suppose because we all saw each other so often.  I think if we had lived further away, we maybe would have done family Skype chats.  I think that would be nice, and would be a good way for kids to talk to grandparents without feeling awkward since the whole family would be in on it and they could actually see each other.

I will say that my parents always, always reached out to my kids.  Even after they were grown up and on their own, my dad would call them and arrange lunch together or whatever.  He was persistent and loving and it paid off.  

 

[Kate in Arabia]

11 hours ago, Pen said:

How often do your teen  dc speak to long distance grandparents (or similar relatives) on phone?

Do you have to push them to do so? 

Is there anything that can help build or maintain relationships?

Or the reverse?

I think grandma tends to be too critical and negative or worried about things that might be said, as a reason that tends to lead to avoidance of talking with her. Whereas at younger stage she tended to be more doting. 

 

As others have said, it will depend in large part on the grandparent.  When we moved overseas 15 yrs ago we established a routine of once a week video group chats with my parents and brother, which we have pretty much stuck to all these years.  My parents (and brother) are super invested in my kids, what they're interested in, into, etc. etc. with no judgments (maybe teasing lol).  My kids look forward to our weekly chats, which generally last a couple of hours with them cycling in and out during, although generally they stay in the room even if not actively participating. 

With my in-laws, the cultural dynamic is different in that the younger is expected to make the effort in deference to the elder, which as you can imagine does not always happen naturally.  We do encourage them to call, etc., but it's more of an effort.. it's actually easier I believe if there is a set routine, at least that's been my experience. 

Edited to add:

Now that I'm thinking about it more, this once-a-week thing was something my mom started when my brother and I first moved away, respectively, for university.. weekly Sunday chats... of course back then (pre-internet 😳) it was a phone call..

Edited January 6, 2019 by Kate in Arabia

[Carrie12345]

We have a history of unhealth boundaries that probably influences us. (Example: when certain kids were very little, they'd call my in laws in the middle of the night, many nights, and my in laws would entertain those calls for HOURS and not tell us.)

My parents live 12 hours away and have since my eldest was 2. My kids don't speak to them on the phone except holiday FaceTime and maybe birthday calls.  But we get together about once a year on average, and everyone has a great time. You would never know that it's a long distance relationship with very infrequent contact.

[DawnM]

My mother makes it difficult.  She wants to preach to my kids every chance she gets, and tries to get info that is personal so she can then tell me something that I am doing wrong.  I have not encouraged my kids to keep in touch.  We visit some, and now that they are too old to travel, they have to rely on us contacting them (we live on opposite coasts.)

I have a very strained relationship, one that many of you would probably say is toxic and I should cut out completely, but I don't want to cut off my dad, and mom is 89 and in horrible health, so.....

[MEmama]

DS willingly talks on the phone with one set of grandparents (my in laws). He will good naturedly roll his eyes at the endless talking at about football (which DS knows nothing about) or the weather, but he does so without complaint. We only see them once a year or so and there are definitely issues, but they have always, always taken an interest in at least some aspect of DS's life (sports, mainly. Not academics). It has paid off for sure.

My parents are completely disinterested. Once a year my dad ask about what classes he is taking so he can brag him up to his academia friends, but they aren't remotely interested in his sporting achievements or everyday life. Most years my mom will will have a pity party and whine about she doesn't know her only grandchild, how her friends celebrate every holiday and birthday with their grandkids and meet them for coffee or whatever...blah blah blah. She makes ZERO attempt at knowing him and ignores every attempt I make (I used to send lengthy detailed emails, lots of photos etc).  They are plenty computer savvy so it's not a tech disparity; it's a total disinterest. Of course it is my fault that this is so. 

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Garga said:

 

I had all four grandparents until I was in my 20s.  I had three until I was in my 40s.  I’m down to one. They all lived in the west coast and I on the east coast.

Out of all 4 of them, one grandmother sent me birthday and Christmas presents and talked to me on the phone for about 2 minutes a few times a year until I hit my mid teens.  The others completely ignored me.  As a child, I was very sad about this.    

All I know is that I’m going to be an awesome grandparent.  I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.  *I* will do it.  I won’t expect my kids to do it, my DILs to do it, or my grandkids to do it.  I don’t understand why grandparents drop the ball so badly.  Maybe when I’m older I’ll suddenly understand, but at 46, I don’t get it AT ALL.  

I share your passion. I hope I am an awesome Grandma. (And - get this! - I think my “grandmother name” is going to be Grandma! Despite all the KiKis and MiMis and GiGis and DiDis out there nowadays, I think I’ll just go with a classic grandmother name!) 

One noticeable thing with my mother, which I find unfortunate, is she clearly adores *little* kids but she has no interest at all in bigger kids/teens/young adults. This was observably true when I was no longer a cute little kid and I see it with the grands and great-grands now as well. She likes kids who are fascinated by a spinning top toy but isn’t interested in kids who play complex video games. I think at the heart of it is she wants the adoration that comes when little kids think the magic is happening because of her. She isn’t interested in hearing about *their* experiences or ways of experiencing the world. 

This last Christmas, my mom (finally) quit giving gifts to my kids and the other grandkids. She said she can’t do it anymore. I was fine with this change because I don’t enjoy it and my mom is very frugal and her gifts often miss once the kids are not little anymore. But here’s what did hurt my feelings: I found out that she *did* give gifts to *some* kids, just not her actual, literal grandkids. She made gifts for her “adopted” grandkids from church. Because = adoration. She wants to give gifts to little kids, especially little GIRLS, because the kinds of gifts she herself likes are only enjoyable to little kids, especially little GIRLS. It hurts my heart. She doesn’t want to bother finding out what a 14 and 19 year old grandSON might like and applying her creativity to turn those things out. She just decided she would do gifts for the set of little girls she’s not related to so they will marvel at nice Miss X, who gave them these sweet things even though she isn’t really their grandmother. 

When I’m a grandma, I hope I will not be like that. Maybe we can form a Grandmother’s Club, Garga, and we can check-and-balance one another and make sure we’re being the kind of grandmas we want to be. 

[marbel]

11 hours ago, Garga said:

 

I had all four grandparents until I was in my 20s.  I had three until I was in my 40s.  I’m down to one. They all lived in the west coast and I on the east coast.

Out of all 4 of them, one grandmother sent me birthday and Christmas presents and talked to me on the phone for about 2 minutes a few times a year until I hit my mid teens.  The others completely ignored me.  As a child, I was very sad about this.    

All I know is that I’m going to be an awesome grandparent.  I will do whatever it takes to make that happen.  *I* will do it.  I won’t expect my kids to do it, my DILs to do it, or my grandkids to do it.  I don’t understand why grandparents drop the ball so badly.  Maybe when I’m older I’ll suddenly understand, but at 46, I don’t get it AT ALL.  

My mother was an awesome grandma. I have 6 nieces and nephews who are much older than my kids.  I watched my mom "grandparent" them. She was always interested in what they had to say, she got on the floor and played with them, she read to them endlessly if they wanted it.  She went to all the sporting events she could. She did like baseball, and she and one of my nephews had a bond over that.  She enjoyed nature walks with them in our semi-rural neighborhood (empty lots right next door, full of various plants and critters).  

She was old and unwell by the the time my kids were born, and their memories are hazy. But even then, she got on the  floor (needed help getting up!) to play trains, ooh'd and ahh'd over lego creations and artwork. 

All the kids miss my mom, obviously the older ones more than my kids. (My kids were 3 and 4 when she died, so their memories are vague, based more on stories than their own memories.)  My nieces and nephews will occasionally post something about her on facebook, when something prompts a memory. 

Funny thing is, my mom was so much older than my inlaws (she was 40 when I was born, and I was old when my kids were born, whereas my inlaws were in their 20s when my husband was born, and he is younger than me).  But she was much more fun.  Sometimes (I know this is evil so no one has to chastise me for it) I feel like the wrong grandma died. But, uh, she would be 103 this year so... a bit unrealistic!  Still, I wish my kids had had more time with her.

Anyway, I have a fabulous grandma role model! 

Edited January 6, 2019 by marbel

[Garga]

5 hours ago, Quill said:

I share your passion. I hope I am an awesome Grandma. (And - get this! - I think my “grandmother name” is going to be Grandma! Despite all the KiKis and MiMis and GiGis and DiDis out there nowadays, I think I’ll just go with a classic grandmother name!) 

One noticeable thing with my mother, which I find unfortunate, is she clearly adores *little* kids but she has no interest at all in bigger kids/teens/young adults. This was observably true when I was no longer a cute little kid and I see it with the grands and great-grands now as well. She likes kids who are fascinated by a spinning top toy but isn’t interested in kids who play complex video games. I think at the heart of it is she wants the adoration that comes when little kids think the magic is happening because of her. She isn’t interested in hearing about *their* experiences or ways of experiencing the world. 

This last Christmas, my mom (finally) quit giving gifts to my kids and the other grandkids. She said she can’t do it anymore. I was fine with this change because I don’t enjoy it and my mom is very frugal and her gifts often miss once the kids are not little anymore. But here’s what did hurt my feelings: I found out that she *did* give gifts to *some* kids, just not her actual, literal grandkids. She made gifts for her “adopted” grandkids from church. Because = adoration. She wants to give gifts to little kids, especially little GIRLS, because the kinds of gifts she herself likes are only enjoyable to little kids, especially little GIRLS. It hurts my heart. She doesn’t want to bother finding out what a 14 and 19 year old grandSON might like and applying her creativity to turn those things out. She just decided she would do gifts for the set of little girls she’s not related to so they will marvel at nice Miss X, who gave them these sweet things even though she isn’t really their grandmother. 

When I’m a grandma, I hope I will not be like that. Maybe we can form a Grandmother’s Club, Garga, and we can check-and-balance one another and make sure we’re being the kind of grandmas we want to be. 

 

Sometimes we are uncannily alike, Quill.  I was just thinking in the past couple of months (a friend of mine just became the first grandma in my social circle) that I'd like to be called Grandmother or Grandma or Grandmommy--something with the word "grand" in it.  I do not like the Mom-Mom or Gi-Gi thing that other people do.  I seem to recall that that sprung up when people felt that they weren't old enough to be called "grand...".  So they made a cutesy name because, "I don't want to be an *old* Grandma!  I'll be GiGi."  It came across to me as very selfish.  The grandparent was more concerned with looking young than taking on the role of a grandparent in the child's life.  I could be wrong, but that's how it struck me.

If it's still a thing to play video games online with people in the future when my grandkids are teens, and if they like those games, then I'm going to figure out how to play World of Warcraft (or whatever) long enough to spend some time on there playing with my grandkids.  And whatever Instagram thing of the future is out there, I'll get on there and text to them on it (making sure NOT to put periods on the ends of my texts  🙂  )

I'll meet them where they are.  Even if they like nasty outdoor sports (I hate being outside.)  But I'll go and cheer for them.  

 

 

3 hours ago, marbel said:

My mother was an awesome grandma. I have 6 nieces and nephews who are much older than my kids.  I watched my mom "grandparent" them. She was always interested in what they had to say, she got on the floor and played with them, she read to them endlessly if they wanted it.  She went to all the sporting events she could. She did like baseball, and she and one of my nephews had a bond over that.  She enjoyed nature walks with them in our semi-rural neighborhood (empty lots right next door, full of various plants and critters).  

She was old and unwell by the the time my kids were born, and their memories are hazy. But even then, she got on the  floor (needed help getting up!) to play trains, ooh'd and ahh'd over lego creations and artwork. 

All the kids miss my mom, obviously the older ones more than my kids. (My kids were 3 and 4 when she died, so their memories are vague, based more on stories than their own memories.)  My nieces and nephews will occasionally post something about her on facebook, when something prompts a memory. 

Funny thing is, my mom was so much older than my inlaws (she was 40 when I was born, and I was old when my kids were born, whereas my inlaws were in their 20s when my husband was born, and he is younger than me).  But she was much more fun.  Sometimes (I know this is evil so no one has to chastise me for it) I feel like the wrong grandma died. But, uh, she would be 103 this year so... a bit unrealistic!  Still, I wish my kids had had more time with her.

Anyway, I have a fabulous grandma role model! 

 

Yes, she did it right!!!  I think if my mother lived closer, she'd have done it right too.

36 minutes ago, Margaret in CO said:

My mom died before any of her grand children were born, but my dad had a good relationship with my kids, though he lived a long ways away. He and my ds were close--Daddy told him war stories. And my stepmom adored my kids, but by the teen years, both of them were pretty creaky. My dad was SO proud of my Navy girl, and gave her his naval sword. 

 

Your parents did it right, too.  Your MIL was craaazy.  

[katilac]

On 1/5/2019 at 2:12 PM, Seasider too said:

Same philosophy. However, the amount of time our young adults pour out to their elders is directly proportionate to the level of interest those elders expressed in them when they were little.  

 

I think this tends to be very true. I also think it's very awkward for teens to reach out to people they aren't very close to - heck, I feel super awkward calling family that I don't see often, lol. I'm paranoid that they'll have no idea who I am on the phone, lol. 

On 1/5/2019 at 6:35 PM, gardenmom5 said:

parents who took the time to learn about their own children's likes/dislikes - is far more likely to learn about their grandchildren's like/dislikes.   those are things that can greatly affect a relationship.

 

Yes and no. My mom doesn't necessarily think of some things, but she's a champ when I point out that they would like her to be somewhere or take an interest in something. 

7 hours ago, Garga said:

I'll meet them where they are.   

 

Yes!! That is my plan. I do think that it's on the grandparents to try and create the relationship that they want. I get that it's hard long-distance, but it's certainly easier for the adult than it is for the child. And I personally really despise it when people only take an interest when the kids are older and 'more interesting.' They often find out that, at the same moment they find the kids more interesting, the kids find them less interesting. If you want them to be excited to see you when they are in college or working, you first have to pony up some time talking about superheroes or exclaiming over their drawings. 

This can't be quoted to often, and applies to grandparents as well as parents: 

Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.

CATHERINE M. WALLACE

[Scarlett]

On 1/5/2019 at 2:12 PM, Seasider too said:

 

Same philosophy. However, the amount of time our young adults pour out to their elders is directly proportionate to the level of interest those elders expressed in them when they were little. 

It’s not about being related, it's about relationship. 

 

My parents did a lot for my ds when he was little.  He was close to them and spent a lot of time with them.  Somewhere around age 10 ds began to feel differently.  I don’t really understand it and maybe it has to do with the break up of his FOO.