Wedding expenses and expectations - past and present

[unsinkable]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

The pics I see of bridesmaids, they’re almost always young thin and pretty wtihcgorgeous skin and pretty smiles.

doesnt anyone have a sister or precious auntie they want to include in the wedding party who’s a little overweight, or has bad skin, or not an orthodontically perfect smile? And yet because she’s special to the bride, she’s still included.

im not a fan of picture perfect weddings. Mostly because we’re not picture perfect people. 

My relative who was partially paralyzed in a diving accident was not asked to be in a wedding bc they (wedding party) didn't want her to ruin the bridal procession bc she used aids to help her move (either a type of crutch when she didn't have to walk far or a wheelchair if she did have to walk far). All her sisters were asked and she was told the reason why she wasn't asked was that it made them (bride and groom) feel bad to see her struggle.

People can really be horrible.

 

[J-rap]

I'm of the generation when weddings were generally still pretty simple.  I was married in the 80's.  I bought my wedding dress for $100, and had a light supper following the ceremony in the church basement.  The supper was chicken salad.  A friend of ours played the accordion.  Job done!

I do love weddings, but I don't think they should ever break the bank.  My dd had a lovely wedding that cost around $3,000 for everything, but it was in another country and things there were far cheaper.  (The venue was really beautiful and only cost $500.)  Catering for 50 was about $500.  Her dress was $100.

My ds had a really lovely wedding that I'm sure cost more...  (dil's family mostly planned it, since we were flying across the country to get there and they wanted to host it.)  But even then, bride's mother did all the flowers herself.  She had planted them specially for the wedding, and we all got together at their home the day before the wedding to pick them and put them into vases.  They had one bottle of wine and one bottle of a non-alcoholic beverage at each table, so no open bar.  A friend volunteered to DJ.  They made their own programs.  The biggest expense would've been the venue and the food.

I have three children left who hope to get married someday.  They all want simple weddings.  Honestly, they'd all way rather put money into a honeymoon than a wedding!  I remember in the movie, It's a Wonderful Life, Jimmy Stewart's brother in the movie comes home to visit and then introduces his wife -- who nobody even knew about!  haha  I've always thought, "That's the way to go!  Just get married privately and make the introductions later!" 😄

[unsinkable]

14 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I'm of the generation when weddings were generally still pretty simple.  I was married in the 80's.  I bought my wedding dress for $100, and had a light supper following the ceremony in the church basement.  The supper was chicken salad.  A friend of ours played the accordion.  Job done!

I do love weddings, but I don't think they should ever break the bank.  My dd had a lovely wedding that cost around $3,000 for everything, but it was in another country and things there were far cheaper.  (The venue was really beautiful and only cost $500.)  Catering for 50 was about $500.  Her dress was $100.

My ds had a really lovely wedding that I'm sure cost more...  (dil's family mostly planned it, since we were flying across the country to get there and they wanted to host it.)  But even then, bride's mother did all the flowers herself.  She had planted them specially for the wedding, and we all got together at their home the day before the wedding to pick them and put them into vases.  They had one bottle of wine and one bottle of a non-alcoholic beverage at each table, so no open bar.  A friend volunteered to DJ.  They made their own programs.  The biggest expense would've been the venue and the food.

I have three children left who hope to get married someday.  They all want simple weddings.  Honestly, they'd all way rather put money into a honeymoon than a wedding!  I remember in the movie, It's a Wonderful Life, Jimmy Stewart's brother in the movie comes home to visit and then introduces his wife -- who nobody even knew about!  haha  I've always thought, "That's the way to go!  Just get married privately and make the introductions later!" 😄

I guess this is what my dad did with my mom.

Long after my parents died, I was told that my dad showed up with my mom at a family event (his family) and introduced his new wife, my mom! Supposedly they were all saying to each other..."she looks like she's a good girl from a nice family, what is she doing with HIM? "

She was a good girl from a nice family! SMH She was his fourth wife! 

I often wonder how he didn't have any other kids besides my brother and I and my sister who died at birth. My mom had the 3 of us in the span of 4 years. It is just baffling that he didn't father kids before us. Maybe he did but they didn't survive? My mom had a theory but I don't agree with it.

[Farrar]

I didn't closely read the responses, but I didn't see anyone post this old article, which is very worth a read on this subject:
https://www.buzzfeed.com/megkeene/heres-what-my-parents-1974-wedding-would-cost-in-2017

Part of what I took from that is that some of the things we think we cleverly went cheap on and got lots of bang for our buck back in the day simply cannot be recreated easily anymore. And I think that applies to our 80's and 90's weddings to some extent too. I mean, dh and I got married in a gorgeous rose garden. It was $75 for the venue. That's it. I just looked and it would be more than $500 now and that wouldn't include all the freedoms we had to set up chairs and do various things.

[unsinkable]

Interesting article but her style makes me roll my eyes. Throwing in some f*ucks and damns doesn't add anything to her point.

[Farrar]

10 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Interesting article but her style makes me roll my eyes. Throwing in some f*ucks and damns doesn't add anything to her point.

Ooh, I forgot about that. Um, NSFW warning, I guess.

Yeah, she was clearly trying to get attention. And she runs a small wedding business, so also clients possibly. The cost breakdown is what's interesting.

[unsinkable]

4 minutes ago, Farrar said:

Ooh, I forgot about that. Um, NSFW warning, I guess.

Yeah, she was clearly trying to get attention. And she runs a small wedding business, so also clients possibly. The cost breakdown is what's interesting.

I don't mind swearing in general but I do think there are times it is detrimental to use it. This might be one of them...Some people might not want to hand the article to mom or grandma and say, "pricing has really changed! Read this!" 

Otherewise it has a f*ck ton of interesting info.

[Tap]

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

The pics I see of bridesmaids, they’re almost always young thin and pretty wtihcgorgeous skin and pretty smiles.

doesnt anyone have a sister or precious auntie they want to include in the wedding party who’s a little overweight, or has bad skin, or not an orthodontically perfect smile? And yet because she’s special to the bride, she’s still included.

im not a fan of picture perfect weddings. Mostly because we’re not picture perfect people. 

I am sure there is some of this going on,especially in the bridzilla style weddings.

I see lots of sizes at every day weddings. At my daughters wedding we ordered two size 2 bridesmaid dresses, and the MOH was a size 16.  My daughter and most of her friends are sizes 2/4/6 but none of them blink an eye at the friend who is not as thin. 

[marbel]

4 hours ago, Bluegoat said:

 

I don't think it's that we all feel we have to conform, as you say, most of us are somewhat non-conformist.

But in general, people tae their cues on social expectations from what is around them.  When expectations become greater, that puts pressure on people

<snip>

I'm sure I'm misunderstanding, but your second sentence seems to me to contradict  your first.  I did read your whole post, and I think I get you in that, but still...

Being nonconformist means resisting the pressure their culture/society puts on them.  So if a person does what their culture/society expects of them despite it not being something they would choose, whether it's about weddings or educating children or having granite countertops in the kitchen, they are not nonconformist. Of course most people aren't nonconformist in everything.  (And nonconformity definitely depends on the culture. When I lived in Oregon, homeschooling was not particularly nonconformist.  In my corner of Pennsylvania, it's downright rebellious.) 

i guess I have a narrow view of the wedding world. I might notice some wildly-expensive over the top wedding on social media or something, but in real life I don't see it. I also don't see much of parental involvement in wedding planning.  Most couples I know who have planned/are planning weddings are in charge, not their parents. Sure, most people take their parents' wishes and wisdom into consideration, but the engaged couple are the ones driving the bus.  The weddings I've been to the last several years have been beautifully done, but they are not what I would consider lavish.

I do know a woman who is going to be an absolute witch when her daughter gets married. She didn't have any say in her own wedding, and seems to be bitter about that 20+ years later. But rather than allow her daughter to have the wedding she would like, this mom is going to finally get the chance to plan the wedding she didn't get to have.  That's a cycle that needs to be broken!

Edited January 5, 2019 by marbel

[May]

Daughter’s wedding was about $20,000. We gave a gift of $5000 and we bought her dress and veil, which was around $2000. A friend did the centerpieces for the reception as a gift. DH and I suggested ways they could save money but her hubby really wanted things a certain way. They saved money by ordering invitations online, no save the date cards, they didn’t do party favors or a welcome gift for out of town guests. Their biggest cost was food and alcohol. They had an open bar and couldn’t be talked out of it😳 Rehearsal dinner was hosted by his parents for most out of town guests, the bridal party, the pastor and organist and probably a few others. His parents also wanted an open bar. We offered to help with costs but they footed the whole bill. Overall, it was a beautiful event but as others have said, they had attended a lot of weddings before theirs and a bar had been set. They paid cash for all of it so at least there was that😊I don’t care what people spend on weddings, if they can afford it. Yes, I think this money could have been better spent but it was the choice they made.

Edited January 5, 2019 by May
Spelling

[gardenmom5]

7 hours ago, Quill said:

The bolded matches my feeling. You said this much better than I did. Within my circle with my in-laws, I already feel it will only be my committment to marching along with my oblivious own drummer that will somewhat innoculate me from feeling sub-standard with certain in-laws. For one thing, in their kids’ weddings, there was a crap ton of alcohol, and then there were busses to ferry the drunks to the hotel. I’m not doing that. There will be alcohol - we’re not teetotalers - but no “helpful” staff bringing fresh trays of shots to the dance floor all night at $200 each set. I thought that was so unnnecessary. And no busses on standby in the assumption that so many people will be drunk we must ensure their transportation safety. We all manage to ensure our driving safety at all other parties in our lives. Why someone thinks that should happen on the bride’s family’s dime is beyond me. 

dh's nephew had their reception at a niche museum that required they pay for a bar. (the museum got a cut of the drinks money). . . . . when 85% of the people there don't drink. at all.   there were some who went up to the bar just to keep the bartender company. he must have been so bored.

7 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

We kept things extremely simple.

My sister, however, had a beautiful wedding in the most beautiful way possible.
The church she had worked at in her teens volunteered their reception hall (our church a block away didn't have one)
The groom's mother was a florist and donated the arrangements
The bride's mother made all the dresses and cake.
The two sides got up a potluck together, with the groom's family providing the main meat dishes (they had a butcher shop)
Alcohol was not served

I think their expenses were kept at an absolute minimal: Preacher's fee, maybe the fabric for the dresses, cake topper, party supplies/decorations.  Even as a young teen I could very much appreciate how everything fell into place for them. 

dd's mil did an open house with entertainment in their home city so their friend's there could come meet the happy couple (fairly standard in LDS culture to do it this way. -the bridal party travels, not the guests.).    she wanted to have hawaiian fire dancers (she's dutch, but grew up in hawaii). . . dd's fil nixed that for cost.  so, she had all her little preschoolers dance - and made them all costumes.  and when she started practice - the next thing she knew, all their big sisters showed up too!   so, she was making even more costumes.   she figures the hawaiin fabrics she used cost about as much as the fire dancers would have cost.

I'm so sorry I was recovering from a kidney infection - as I hardly ate.  and the luau food she had was really good.

Edited January 5, 2019 by gardenmom5

[Faith-manor]

My parents spent about $1200-1500 in 1988 to put on my wedding - a monstrosity that I never wanted nor did dh - and invited 350. They managed to feed them a decent luncheon, provide table service, have a decorated cake, and pay for other things simply because the venue was free due to my father figure being an elder at the church, the kitchen committee agreed to work for free to do all of the food prep, service, and clean up, and mom made my dress for $175 in supplies. The dress was gorgeous and exactly what I wanted. Everything else was a nightmare for me because the entire day was too overwhelming. Also, dh's uncle was a professional photographer and took the pics for free but we had to pay for developing the film and he took 40 ROLLS OF FILM! Developed it all, and sent us the bill. It was a ridiculous amount of photos, many of which should never have been taken (like my mom carrying my dress to the dressing room). He was just too darn excited and snapped everything. It was something like $240 to develop all that.

At any rate, to do that today, it simply would not be possible on the cheap. Just the materials for my dress now would be in the neighborhood of a $1000 to purchase at the only fabric store left in the state that carries them. Many churches in our area no longer allow the use of their facilities for free so venue rental is a big deal. Zoning ordinances often prohibit "the wedding at home" due to parking and noise. My niece got a $500 fine from the city for not researching it before she held her wedding in her MIL's beautiful backyard. Oops.

I definitely still think there are ways to do a wedding with a small gathering of some kind of very, very cheap even with prices the way they are today. I also think that these options tend to not be acceptable in a lot of families for a variety of reasons.

[frogger]

I think it depends on where you live. I live where church basement or family member's beautiful lawn is still an option. I have been to multiple of those style over the past few years.

 Everyone and their sister is a photographer so you hire an amatuer (who really is good) and you pay them but it's not thousands. The nice thing about digital cameras is you don't have to pay to develop everything. I know everything adds up but I don't think it adds up to 40k. 

 

It's also ok where I live to do a potluck. 

I bucked the birthday trend and just have kid's over to play. No gifts or party favors but we may have a cake and all the kids seem happy. They love it. I'm noticing more and more low key birthday celebrators. Well, for my kids that have lots of friends. The lonely child avoids friend celebrations because well that's a different issue.

You are all making me thankful for living where I do.

Edited January 5, 2019 by frogger

[May]

1 hour ago, Arctic Mama said:

I admit fully to judging super pricy weddings when said friend or family member complains about their crazy college debt, wedding debt, and kid debt just a few years down the line.  Or their mom and dad saying they can never retire but blowing 100k on their daughter’s wedding and seeing zero irony in this dichotomy.  

 

If they can actually afford it, good on them.  But there’s a whole lot of ridiculous keeping-up-with-the-Jones and poor financial planning in this, too.  

Totally agree! His parents loaned him the money for tuition when he lost his ROTC scholarship because of grades. It was suppose to be paid back but his parents forgave him the debt😳 We have been friends of SIL’s family for 32 years. I knew about this only because this was before our kids started dating. We shared in each other’s trails and tribulations. When I made mention of this debt and how I thought it should be paid back before any talk of a wedding, she got very defensive of her son. She thought that I was saying her son couldn’t provide for a wife and they weren’t worried about the money. Our friendship isn’t what it use to be and I think this and a couple of else wedding things contributed to it😔

[Guest]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

I'm sure I'm misunderstanding, but your second sentence seems to me to contradict  your first.  I did read your whole post, and I think I get you in that, but still...

Being nonconformist means resisting the pressure their culture/society puts on them.  So if a person does what their culture/society expects of them despite it not being something they would choose, whether it's about weddings or educating children or having granite countertops in the kitchen, they are not nonconformist. Of course most people aren't nonconformist in everything.  (And nonconformity definitely depends on the culture. When I lived in Oregon, homeschooling was not particularly nonconformist.  In my corner of Pennsylvania, it's downright rebellious.) 

i guess I have a narrow view of the wedding world. I might notice some wildly-expensive over the top wedding on social media or something, but in real life I don't see it. I also don't see much of parental involvement in wedding planning.  Most couples I know who have planned/are planning weddings are in charge, not their parents. Sure, most people take their parents' wishes and wisdom into consideration, but the engaged couple are the ones driving the bus.  The weddings I've been to the last several years have been beautifully done, but they are not what I would consider lavish.

I do know a woman who is going to be an absolute witch when her daughter gets married. She didn't have any say in her own wedding, and seems to be bitter about that 20+ years later. But rather than allow her daughter to have the wedding she would like, this mom is going to finally get the chance to plan the wedding she didn't get to have.  That's a cycle that needs to be broken!

Well, for myself, I resist the pressure to conform, but I would be happier if it wasn’t there in the first place. 

To the second point, this is partly what I’m saying, though. A “regular” wedding can still be easily $20,000 if it is not being done budget-wise and a lot of DIY and/or foregoing accoutrements seen as “normal,” like having a chauffeured vehicle and a hair and makeup stylist. Maybe I’m unusual but I am not fronting tens of thousands of dollars. The couples I see who have little parental involvement in the planning come in two varieties: those who have been given a big budget and those who have been given no monetary help. So, yeah - the parents aren’t that involved if the wedding planner tells them, “the price points for weddings are $20-30k, $30-40k, $40-50k, or over $50k.” OR if there is no money or some version of, “we can buy your dress, but that’s all.” 

ETA: And, see, my $20,000 figures was laughably low. https://www.businessinsider.com/average-wedding-cost-in-america-most-expensive-2018-3

 

Edited January 5, 2019 by Quill

[marbel]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

Well, for myself, I resist the pressure to conform, but I would be happier if it wasn’t there in the first place. 

To the second point, this is partly what I’m saying, though. A “regular” wedding can still be easily $20,000 if it is not being done budget-wise and a lot of DIY and/or foregoing accoutrements seen as “normal,” like having a chauffeured vehicle and a hair and makeup stylist. Maybe I’m unusual but I am not fronting tens of thousands of dollars. The couples I see who have little parental involvement in the planning come in two varieties: those who have been given a big budget and those who have been given no monetary help. So, yeah - the parents aren’t that involved if the wedding planner tells them, “the price points for weddings are $20-30k, $30-40k, $40-50k, or over $50k.” OR if there is no money or some version of, “we can buy your dress, but that’s all.” 

LOL, I doubt you are that unusual.  I can think of only a handful of people I've ever known who would consider that a "regular" wedding cost $20,000.  That doesn't mean people might not decide to be a bit extravagant if they want to; I'm sure I've been to $20,000, even $50,000 weddings. But what I mean is, in my circles, that would be a splurge, a special event, and some people decide it is worth it to them. 

But "normal" is so relative. I don't consider a chauffeured vehicle to be normal. Nor hair and makeup stylists. So we are probably just talking past each other to some degree because our view of what is normal (or maybe I should say "normal for our social/family circle") is so different.  

I guess I'm also having a hard time seeing where pressure comes from. To me, a wedding is highly personal and individual. I've been to lots of different types of weddings (as I'm sure all of us have) and I can only think of one that wasn't "good" in my view as a guest. It wasn't "good" because the bride focused too much on fussy Pinterest-y details like favors and photo booths and not enough on food and non-alcoholic beverages for her guests. (There was an open bar for the first few hours which made for drunk and hungry guests very early on. As in, people sipping cocktails during the ceremony.)  

[Bluegoat]

2 hours ago, marbel said:

I'm sure I'm misunderstanding, but your second sentence seems to me to contradict  your first.  I did read your whole post, and I think I get you in that, but still...

Being nonconformist means resisting the pressure their culture/society puts on them.  So if a person does what their culture/society expects of them despite it not being something they would choose, whether it's about weddings or educating children or having granite countertops in the kitchen, they are not nonconformist. Of course most people aren't nonconformist in everything.  (And nonconformity definitely depends on the culture. When I lived in Oregon, homeschooling was not particularly nonconformist.  In my corner of Pennsylvania, it's downright rebellious.) 

i guess I have a narrow view of the wedding world. I might notice some wildly-expensive over the top wedding on social media or something, but in real life I don't see it. I also don't see much of parental involvement in wedding planning.  Most couples I know who have planned/are planning weddings are in charge, not their parents. Sure, most people take their parents' wishes and wisdom into consideration, but the engaged couple are the ones driving the bus.  The weddings I've been to the last several years have been beautifully done, but they are not what I would consider lavish.

I do know a woman who is going to be an absolute witch when her daughter gets married. She didn't have any say in her own wedding, and seems to be bitter about that 20+ years later. But rather than allow her daughter to have the wedding she would like, this mom is going to finally get the chance to plan the wedding she didn't get to have.  That's a cycle that needs to be broken!

 

I mean, most of us here - the post I was responding to mentioned being surprised that homeschooling moms would be so conformist.

I think a lot of people here really tend to think about why they are making particular choices.

But in general, a lot of people do what they see done around them.  Kids party, funeral, wedding, graduation.  Usually there is some sort of way of doing things that is seen as normal in a particular group, and most people go along with it and don't think about it much. They might think about the details, but not so much the main idea, if that makes sense.  Trends change, but it is usually over time.

My sense with weddings is the number one thing that's driven the change is the wedding industry.  It's tried quite explicitly to create certain expectations, to ramp them up and give the impression that certain things are expected. It may be that part of that is it has stepped in at a time when some of the more traditional ways communities did weddings were changing in some way, and people were looking for guidance. For example, in my area most weddings are no longer in churches, and church halls for receptions are harder to find too - so people are trying to figure out what a totally secular wedding looks like when it's not just at the courthouse.   But it's in the interest of the industry to get people to do as much as possible, and to charge as much as possible for those specialised things.

I'd say the biggest change I've seen in weddings from my parents generation to mine, apart from the move out of churches, is in home weddings/receptions seem almost non-existent now.  It was quite common in my moms generation - big wedding receptions in a hall, or small ones in a home.  Hotel weddings were unusual.  Now most are in specialised for-profit venues, or restaurants if they are small, or destination weddings if they are smaller still.  

[Bluegoat]

1 hour ago, Arctic Mama said:

I admit fully to judging super pricy weddings when said friend or family member complains about their crazy college debt, wedding debt, and kid debt just a few years down the line.  Or their mom and dad saying they can never retire but blowing 100k on their daughter’s wedding and seeing zero irony in this dichotomy.  

 

If they can actually afford it, good on them.  But there’s a whole lot of ridiculous keeping-up-with-the-Jones and poor financial planning in this, too.  

 

Yeah, it is odd - my uncle went over $10,000 into debt for his daughter's wedding. Very nice people, and not even so concerned about keeping up in a competitive way - they just tend to be people who do what they see others doing.  Which meant a big wedding with a dance in a hotel.  I love dances, so I would do a lot to have one at my wedding, but maybe not quite that much.

[Bluegoat]

Anyway, as an aside, I didn't really see the OP asking directly about cost.  More about the actual expectations about the type of event. THat's related, but not quite the same.

 

[Guest]

32 minutes ago, marbel said:

LOL, I doubt you are that unusual.  I can think of only a handful of people I've ever known who would consider that a "regular" wedding cost $20,000.  That doesn't mean people might not decide to be a bit extravagant if they want to; I'm sure I've been to $20,000, even $50,000 weddings. But what I mean is, in my circles, that would be a splurge, a special event, and some people decide it is worth it to them. 

But "normal" is so relative. I don't consider a chauffeured vehicle to be normal. Nor hair and makeup stylists. So we are probably just talking past each other to some degree because our view of what is normal (or maybe I should say "normal for our social/family circle") is so different.  

I guess I'm also having a hard time seeing where pressure comes from. To me, a wedding is highly personal and individual. I've been to lots of different types of weddings (as I'm sure all of us have) and I can only think of one that wasn't "good" in my view as a guest. It wasn't "good" because the bride focused too much on fussy Pinterest-y details like favors and photo booths and not enough on food and non-alcoholic beverages for her guests. (There was an open bar for the first few hours which made for drunk and hungry guests very early on. As in, people sipping cocktails during the ceremony.)  

I think there will be pressure from my in-laws, to spell it out. Mainly, a couple of BIL/SILs whose kids have already had weddings; they will expect something in the same vein. I know how they think about such things. Two in particular will think something like, “Well, we paid hundreds of dollars per head for you two to come to our kids weddings; now it is your turn to reciprocate.” The one SIL literally did say, in her wine-induced lack of inhibition at her own son’s wedding, “Well, I feel sorry for you and (other niece’s mom), because it’s going to be hard to top these weddings!” I told her that fortunately, I have no intention of topping anyone’s wedding. But for the way some family members think: there you go. 

Of course, two of my kids I also have no idea what sort of family they may marry into. (My daughter has a long-term bf, so for her, I do have an idea and they are frugal.) But who know what sort of expectations my sons’ future mates might have. 

Here’s what I am calling a “normal” wedding, based on what all my nieces and nephews thusfar married have had (on my IL’s side):

Ceremony and/or reception at a “venue” and/or with rented components (chairs, tents, dance floor, lighting, linens, staff). 100-150, maybe 200 at most guests. Live music in all but one case. 4-7 attendants for bride and groom (each). Standard wedding attire, except in one case with “cowboy” theme. Catered dinner food and alcohol; cake and/or desserts (Not DIY). Flowers and other decorative elements - in some cases pro, in one or two, DIY. Professional photography. In three cases, port-a-potties rented; one was the fancy kind. In four cases, buses to bring guests to a hotel. I think all had a hair and makeup stylist. Each wedding had some other element, like a photo booth or bubble blowing or sparklers or something like that. All had take-home favors. So. That’s a “normal” wedding in my in-law family. 

Edited January 5, 2019 by Quill
Grammar boo-boo

[Familia]

Make everyone happy with an ice-cream social!

Since DH and I were completely on our own for expenses (and we tend to be frugal), we made the decision that the wedding cost less then the honeymoon.  We decided to go all out and honeymoon in Hawaii.  It was beautiful and wonderful hiking!  So, our reception had to be as inexpensive as possible but still pleasant and fun for our guests.

It was an early afternoon wedding with an ice-cream social to follow.  The venue was a college cafeteria that we decorated ourselves complete with a few rented ice-cream shop tables/chairs where we encouraged close family to seat themselves - everyone else used the cafeteria tables.  I had been in 10 weddings at that point, and did not desire to complicate matters by asking each of those girlfriends to attend to me, so each was asked to stay after the wedding for a special photo with me only.  

Anyway, we hired caterers in black tie to serve ice-cream to our guests, who were then able to chose their own simple toppings from a rose petal filled table.  It was lovely, with (taped) classical music.  From our understanding, lots of people broke up in smaller groups and went out to dine/dance after our festivities were over.  We still hear from young and old alike how much they enjoyed our simple, elegant, yummy reception.

Edited January 5, 2019 by Familia
grammar - which still may need assistance!

[Guest]

Our wedding was outdoors at a church camp, where we could have space for all the out of town guests to stay, and use the dining hall for the reception/rehearsal dinner. I did my own flowers, mostly from the craft section of a closing Woolworths. The bridesmaid dresses came from Kohl’s. My mom made my dress and the flower girl dresses. My mom made and froze lasagnas for the rehearsal dinner, and it (and the reception) was served by a Cadette Girl Scout troop, including quite a few girls that I used to babysit (they got a contribution for summer camp-and earned a party planning badge).  Setting up chairs, ushering, and other general stuff was done by a Boy Scout troop (also in exchange for a camp donation. Music was done by friends of mine-as a music major, I had a lot of them, including a pick up choir that practiced together for the first time at the rehearsal. Photos were done by my younger brother’s best friend-it was his first professional job (and the developing was done in the college darkroom, since he was a student at the time).  

[SeaConquest]

I got married in 1997. It was a very average wedding, according to every magazine article that I read at the time, and on the low end of average according to my circle of friends. We spent in the $25-30K range, paid 1/3 by my parents, 1/3 by his parents, and 1/3 by us. I have certainly been to my share of $100k+ weddings in California, so this was nothing that I would have considered elaborate in the least. We had around 125 guests, at a country club on the central coast of CA, live jazz band, catered, open bar, flowers, candles, photographer -- it was lovely, but just a typical wedding -- nothing DIY, but nothing over the top either. We were married for 5 years.

My second marriage (married in 2007) was spur of the moment in Vegas (we had been dating for 8 months), and cost less than $1000. I wore a dress from the Venice boardwalk and didn't know most of the people in our wedding party, including our best man. We will be married 12 years in August. 😉

 

[Farrar]

I really sympathize with the social pressure these days. My much younger step-sis had a lovely wedding that was not crazy by today's standards and my mother did the vast majority of the decorating and bought nearly everything super cheap to make that happen and did the flower arrangements herself (she's a wizard), but did involve a venue, catering, open bar... I'm sure it was a heck of a lot more than my wedding almost two decades before. But when I got married all my friends were still unmarried and when they did get married, they all did it on the cheap - two Vegas elopements, two more backyard level weddings... it was all very low fi. My step-sis had just spent several years attending big budget wedding after wedding. She's got a huge social circle, and she went to some doozies of weddings. Like, destination weddings and massive affairs. She felt pressure to do something worth attending, even if it was budget compared to everyone else. 

[BakersDozen]

I paid $1500 for my wedding (which is about $1400 more than I wish I had spent). Fake flowers, finger foods from grocery deli, minimal decorations. Only thing I don't regret spending money on was the $100 wedding cake....mmmmmmmm...

My dc will get a check upon their engagement in the amount of $1000. That is their gift and they can spend as they wish. My mil did this w/her dd and it worked great.

 

[Sneezyone]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

Well, for myself, I resist the pressure to conform, but I would be happier if it wasn’t there in the first place. 

To the second point, this is partly what I’m saying, though. A “regular” wedding can still be easily $20,000 if it is not being done budget-wise and a lot of DIY and/or foregoing accoutrements seen as “normal,” like having a chauffeured vehicle and a hair and makeup stylist. Maybe I’m unusual but I am not fronting tens of thousands of dollars. The couples I see who have little parental involvement in the planning come in two varieties: those who have been given a big budget and those who have been given no monetary help. So, yeah - the parents aren’t that involved if the wedding planner tells them, “the price points for weddings are $20-30k, $30-40k, $40-50k, or over $50k.” OR if there is no money or some version of, “we can buy your dress, but that’s all.” 

ETA: And, see, my $20,000 figures was laughably low. https://www.businessinsider.com/average-wedding-cost-in-america-most-expensive-2018-3

 

Yeah, 20K is s bargain wedding in Seattle. It’s also about what my 2004 anniversary weekend would cost in today’s dollars. We DIYd a lot too. No hair, makeup or car.

Edited January 5, 2019 by Sneezyone

[Sneezyone]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

I think there will be pressure from my in-laws, to spell it out. Mainly, a couple of BIL/SILs whose kids have already had weddings; they will expect something in the same vein. I know how they think about such things. Two in particular will think something like, “Well, we paid hundreds of dollars per head for you two to come to our kids weddings; now it is your turn to reciprocate.” The one SIL literally did say, in her wine-induced lack of inhibition at her own son’s wedding, “Well, I feel sorry for you and (other niece’s mom), because it’s going to be hard to top these weddings!” I told her that fortunately, I have no intention of topping anyone’s wedding. But for the way some family members think: there you go. 

Of course, two of my kids I also have no idea what sort of family they may marry into. (My daughter has a long-term bf, so for her, I do have an idea and they are frugal.) But who know what sort of expectations my sons’ future mates might have. 

Here’s what I am calling a “normal” wedding, based on what all my nieces and nephews thusfar married have had (on my IL’s side):

Ceremony and/or reception at a “venue” and/or with rented components (chairs, tents, dance floor, lighting, linens, staff). 100-150, maybe 200 at most guests. Live music in all but one case. 4-7 attendants for bride and groom (each). Standard wedding attire, except in one case with “cowboy” theme. Catered dinner food and alcohol; cake and/or desserts (Not DIY). Flowers and other decorative elements - in some cases pro, in one or two, DIY. Professional photography. In three cases, port-a-potties rented; one was the fancy kind. In four cases, buses to bring guests to a hotel. I think all had a hair and makeup stylist. Each wedding had some other element, like a photo booth or bubble blowing or sparklers or something like that. All had take-home favors. So. That’s a “normal” wedding in my in-law family. 

 

I do not understand this, at all. Every wedding I’ve known or attended in the last 20 years was planned and/or dictated by the bride and groom who, as a couple, determined size and scope using either their own budget or one they’d been given by parents. This is like saying my parents, great aunts and uncles will determine the guest list, theme and/or vibe. Huh??

[marbel]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

I think there will be pressure from my in-laws, to spell it out. Mainly, a couple of BIL/SILs whose kids have already had weddings; they will expect something in the same vein. I know how they think about such things. Two in particular will think something like, “Well, we paid hundreds of dollars per head for you two to come to our kids weddings; now it is your turn to reciprocate.” The one SIL literally did say, in her wine-induced lack of inhibition at her own son’s wedding, “Well, I feel sorry for you and (other niece’s mom), because it’s going to be hard to top these weddings!” I told her that fortunately, I have no intention of topping anyone’s wedding. But for the way some family members think: there you go. 

<snip>

Yeah, I can't relate to that at all.  Part of it may be that I have a small family; between my husband and me there are 3 siblings and 6 nieces/nephews, all of whom are grown and married, having had all different kinds of weddings, some of which I was invited to, some not.  (Like, a quickie, get-married-before-he's-deployed ceremony with only parents and siblings present.)

I'm sorry your relatives are like that. I see better what you mean about pressure.  Easy for me to say "who cares what they think" when they are not my family.  

Edited January 6, 2019 by marbel

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, Bluegoat said:

 

I mean, most of us here - the post I was responding to mentioned being surprised that homeschooling moms would be so conformist.

I think a lot of people here really tend to think about why they are making particular choices.

But in general, a lot of people do what they see done around them.  Kids party, funeral, wedding, graduation.  Usually there is some sort of way of doing things that is seen as normal in a particular group, and most people go along with it and don't think about it much. They might think about the details, but not so much the main idea, if that makes sense.  Trends change, but it is usually over time.

My sense with weddings is the number one thing that's driven the change is the wedding industry.  It's tried quite explicitly to create certain expectations, to ramp them up and give the impression that certain things are expected. It may be that part of that is it has stepped in at a time when some of the more traditional ways communities did weddings were changing in some way, and people were looking for guidance. For example, in my area most weddings are no longer in churches, and church halls for receptions are harder to find too - so people are trying to figure out what a totally secular wedding looks like when it's not just at the courthouse.   But it's in the interest of the industry to get people to do as much as possible, and to charge as much as possible for those specialised things.

I'd say the biggest change I've seen in weddings from my parents generation to mine, apart from the move out of churches, is in home weddings/receptions seem almost non-existent now.  It was quite common in my moms generation - big wedding receptions in a hall, or small ones in a home.  Hotel weddings were unusual.  Now most are in specialised for-profit venues, or restaurants if they are small, or destination weddings if they are smaller still.  

this. girls consult all the wedding magazines for ideas (which are all "advertisements" for "things".)

we are social with a man who organizes bridal fairs.   as in - he is the one who rents the space that pulls them together so brides and vendors will meet in one place. along with the wedding planner - who has relationships with all the vendors for different items.   he does these shows all over the US and canada. (a friend's dd was complaining about how many cross country trips she had to make one years.  after she answered how many that was - he told her he makes that many in an average month.  I guess if you consider how many people want to get married in hawaii - it would make sense how often he is there on business.)

  they used to host a christmas eve open house at their home - which was always catered by a different caterer who was a vendor at their bridal fair.  when they realized they didn't have to live here and pay our col prices - they moved somewhere cheaper (and closer to their adult children.)

 

where we are - there are "homes" that can be rented out as a reception venue.   they're big, they have the tables, you don't have to move sofas, etc.   some friends did have their eldest dd's reception in their home - and they paid to have their grand piano moved to a rec room in the basement - and then back to the living room afterwards.

[Shoeless]

1st wedding: Dad and overbearing stepmother insisted that the only way to be officially and appropriately wedded was via big, fancy, New York country club wedding. I was very young and very under their thumb and agreed to all sorts of things I never should have.  The wedding cost between $20,000 and $25,000 by my estimation, about 22 years ago.  I paid $5,000 of that, and overbearing stepmother still sniffed that things weren't fancy enough and everything was Simply.Wrong.Because.Reasons.  There was a lot of drama and I'm too embarrassed to admit to some of what I was coerced into.  It was a belittling experience.

2nd wedding: I briefly discussed getting remarried with my dad, half-siblings, and stepmother.  DH and I had been living together and had DS by then, and all of the financial/insurance hold-ups to marriage had been resolved, (don't ask; not up for discussion).  I didn't want a big wedding but thought it would be nice to have everyone come over and then go out to dinner.  The extended family tried to turn everything into a 3 ring circus again, insisting that what I wanted was not possible, couldn't be done, would bring shame to the family (???), and then proceeded to treat it all like a joke and said they'd show up wearing grass skirts and Hawaiian shirts if I insisted on having a "backyard" wedding. 

So they got disinvited, and DH and I got married in our living room by Reverand Kevin from Rev-On-the-Run, and then we went out for a really nice dinner with our son.  I don't remember the cost, but including our dinner, it could not have been more than $300.    

Edited January 6, 2019 by MissLemon

[Shoeless]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

Ceremony and/or reception at a “venue” and/or with rented components (chairs, tents, dance floor, lighting, linens, staff). 100-150, maybe 200 at most guests. Live music in all but one case. 4-7 attendants for bride and groom (each). Standard wedding attire, except in one case with “cowboy” theme. Catered dinner food and alcohol; cake and/or desserts (Not DIY). Flowers and other decorative elements - in some cases pro, in one or two, DIY. Professional photography. In three cases, port-a-potties rented; one was the fancy kind. In four cases, buses to bring guests to a hotel. I think all had a hair and makeup stylist. Each wedding had some other element, like a photo booth or bubble blowing or sparklers or something like that. All had take-home favors. So. That’s a “normal” wedding in my in-law family. 

 

 

 

 

This is what my family considers "normal", too.  Cocktail hour and hor d'ouevres, catered, sit down dinner, professionally made cake, formal photographs, professional flower arrangements, multiple bridesmaids, expensive hotel or country club venue. 

I just got an invite to a cousin's wedding.  Fancy D.C. area venue and the hotel rooms start at $225 a night.  After adding up all the costs to go to this, it would be over $2,000 for us to go.  No thanks!  And this isn't even the wedding!  It's just the stateside reception because the couple is marrying in another country.     

[SquirrellyMama]

Married 20 years ago...

My dress was from a shop that was going out of business so it was half off. I think around $250. We didn't decorate the church since it was Christmas time. The church already had up a tree and poinsettias. We also didn't decorate the church hall where we had the reception. The church was $100.

My MIL cooked our food. We had beef sandwiches and salads. We just did sheet cakes plus a small round cake for our topper.

My college roommate made my bouquet from silk poinsettias. 

I just did my hair like I always wore it. I did my own make-up.

Our photographer was a newspaper photographer hoping to get into weddings, so he did ours pretty cheaply. They were good, but definitely not what you see today. I prefered our $300 for what we received than the $$$$ paid for exquisite photos.

Kelly

 

[frogger]

I think it is important to remember there is a wide variety of circles both geographic, monetarily, and socially represented here.

 

I have hurt people's feelings over bucking the trend when it came to holidays. Over time I was blessed by winning people over to my side but that doesn't always happen and I understand that. We now do not do any adult Christmas gifts for extended family. It is a waste of money. I did gift my MIL plane tickets one year so she could meet us on an island she grew up going to and share that with grandkids. I think at that point they realized it wasn't because we were stingy and didn't care about them but hated wasting money on obligatory junk. 

Honestly, the only reason I had a wedding at all was because of family. I would have been happy to avoid the whole parents together at one location that haven't spoken to each other for over a decade situation so the very fact I had a ceremony was for others. I didn't care about it honestly which probably made somethings easier for me I suppose.

I'm not really sure that a wedding should only be for the individuals. A marriage affects and changes family dynamics. A divorce also affects more than the couple involved. At the same time I don't see it as a way to get free food and drink and have all the fancy trappings so the relatives saying you have to top anything would tick me off because that doesn't seem healthy or IMHO importent in any way but I also understand trying to keep the peace.

I'd probably still rebel and act politely to them but just do what I wanted. 

Edited January 6, 2019 by frogger
But I realize that's easier said than done. :(

[Jenny in Florida]

Well, I got married almost a quarter of a century ago, so the specific figures won't be meaningful. However, we did a lot of frugal and DIY stuff, in part because we had no help from family.

I designed our invitations and orders of service and got permission to print them after work hours on the office laser printer.

We had our ceremony at our then-church, but we used a small small rotunda that was used as a meeting room, rather than the sanctuary (which was was more space than we needed for our small wedding, anyway). 

I had been a founding member of the church's choir, so the group and the directors provided all of the ceremony music as their gift to us.

I made my bouquet, one for my attendant and the ones we used to decorate the sanctuary with fake flowers. We bought simple boutonnieres for my husband and his best man from the same florist.

My dress was from my favorite designer, but was $300 from the bridesmaid collection.

We had the reception at our apartment, which was walking distance from the church. We had just moved in and didn't have a ton of stuff yet. We rented a few tables and some chairs and tablecloths. 

My husband had worked part-time for a local florist a few years before, setting up the store's stereo and computer systems, so the owner gave us a great deal on renting large potted ivy plants. We tied a bow around each one and used them as centerpieces on the tables.

For food, we did a dessert buffet, much of which I made. I made our cake, which happened mostly because I couldn't find a reliable baker in town who could/would make a wedding cake that met my dietary restrictions. But it was definitely a bonus that it also saved a ton of money. We also put out a big fruit tray with various dips and bought a platter of cookies from a cafe where we sometimes hung out with friends. 

My husband made tapes of music we loved to play during the reception.

All in all, we spent right about $3,000, which included a brief honeymoon of two or three nights in Atlantic City. 

I have two regrets/things I would do differently if I were to do it over:

• I would hire a photographer or at least recruit a reasonably competent friend to take photos. We went with the then-trendy idea of handing out disposable cameras to guests, and we ended up with not one single decent photo. When we got them developed and realized how dire the situation was, we decided we would get gussied up in our wedding attire and go get some photos taken at one of those cheapy mall studios "once we caught our breath." However, as it turned out, I was pregnant within a month of the wedding and didn't have a prayer of fitting back into that dress. So, that was the end of that.
• I would hire a couple of folks to be in the venue (even if it was our apartment) to set up the food tables, to replenish during the party and then to clean up after. As it was, I ended up rushing into the apartment five minutes ahead of our guests and going directly to the kitchen to frantically start pulling the pre-prepped food out of the fridge, snagging off plastic wrap and arranging the food on the tables. When my choir friends figured out what I was doing, they all rushed in to help, of course, but it was awkward and stressful. Then, when we were ready to head out (in the limo we rented for a discounted rate because we got married in the evening on a slow day and needed it only for a one-way trip), my poor mother-in-law got stuck with cleaning up. Again, friends stayed to help, but I still wish we hadn't left her to deal with the mess.

Other than that, not much I would do differently. We were very happy with the quirky and very personalized vibe we created and proud of ourselves for creating exactly the wedding we wanted at a price we could afford.

[umsami]

I helped a coworker with a DIY wedding.  I went to Costco and bought 6 of their roses bouquets and we used those for flowers.  

Her cake was made by a member of her church and there was a church potluck too.

Her dress was on sale at David's Bridal for $150.

On the other side, I went to my best friends wedding.  She's Indian (Hindu) and married an Indian Catholic guy.  They had double everything.  Double receptions.... plus the henna night.  Easily 600 people invited to the Hindu ceremony/reception....maybe only 100 for the Catholic one.    It was upwards of $100k.  

 

Very different weddings.  Both lovely.  Both had loved ones and friends who only wanted the couple to be happy. 

 

[WendyLady]

We were married very young, exactly 25 years ago tomorrow!  My mom made my dress (she is a fabulous dress maker, worked in a custom dress shop, etc.  But I never even tried on dresses, just bought a pattern...) We did silk flowers.  A friend made the cake.  Another friend of my dad's did the photos (terrible, the number one reason we are willing to pay for wedding photos for our kids). The reception was at my parents' house (they did live in a beautiful, large historic home). And we prepared all the food - finger foods and appetizers, not a sit down meal.  We invited family and large church congregation.  I don't know how much it cost, but I'm sure it was under $500.  

My two oldest daughters have gotten married over the last couple of years.  We have diy'd both weddings, and I have planned around $5000 for each.  We do have a large-ish family, though as a military family, we don't have friends in any one place, so we didn't plan for a huge crowd.  We ordered flowers from Sams Club online and my sister (a florist by profession) did the bouquets and table centerpieces. Another one of my sisters is a baker and she planned and organized the food (crepe bar and finger foods for one, sandwiches and finger foods for the other).  One wedding, we baked cupcakes and ordered a small pretty cake to cut. The other wedding was several small cakes in different flavors, ordered from a bakery.  Both weddings were in LDS Temples.

The reception for both weddings was held outside at my parents lovely little farm, with fruit picking as a possible activity for guests.  But even doing all of the work ourselves, and not serving a sit down dinner, the costs just add up.  Food is not free, table and chair rentals are not free, plus speakers and microphone, etc. I ordered cheaper table cloths online and reused at second wedding (pro-tip - wash the table cloths before using, it helps get the wrinkles out and makes ironing so much easier).  We did different table squares for the different weddings.  Serving trays and cute things and give aways, etc also add up. 

I am a great seamstress and sewed prom dresses for my girls, I'm not as good at sewing as my mom, and I wanted my girls to still like me at the wedding, so we bought dresses for each girl. My mom and I did do some of the alterations, saving around $250 each.  We also made veils. ❤️ I spent hours hand beading one of the veils!!  We bought bridesmaid dresses for any of the girls, the guys wore basic suits and bought those themselves, though we bought ties and socks.  

The girls and their bridesmaids had their nails done, but did their own hair and makeup.  

We asked the girls to hire their own photographers, and we paid for half.  We did not pay for honeymoons 😉 

We had some travel costs for the wedding itself and for wedding dress shopping, along with hotel costs and dining out costs before and after the weddings with the kids and with visiting families.  

It doesn't feel like we did anything over the top extravagant, but the costs just added up.  We could have definitely cut costs with buying clearance dresses or previously worn or Chinese knock offs or re-wearing older sister's dress (dh's suggestion.)  We could have cut costs by doing all of the photography ourselves (the photos seemed to be the most important part for my girls, though, with pre-wedding, wedding, reception, etc photos...).  We could have baked just cupcakes and offered no other food, having the reception at our local church house using the sound system and chairs and tables at the church.  We could have just done the bride bouquet and no other flowers, or bought silk flowers on Craigslist.... So, yes, we could have spent less, but it felt like a wonderful celebration of the couples and love and family. Nothing over the top, but I hope they both still felt special on their special day.

I just saw photos of a dear friend's daughter's wedding in Hawaii.  The food costs alone!!!  Yikes! Hoping we have a few more years until our next one!

[frogger]

Happy Anniversary Wendy!

[ktgrok]

I bought a dress off of eBay for about $300. I made my own veil (very easy) and bought my shoes at payless. I did pay for someone to do my hair and make up because I'm just not good at that, and we got married overseas, just the two of us, so no friends to ask to do it. I had a bouquet made with thistle and DH had a matching bout inner but that was our only flower expense. We did pay for a videographer and photographer because our family and friends were not there and we want dto share it with them when we got back. Our wedding dinner was just a regular dinner at the small pub/restaurant in our hotel and when they heard it was our wedding day they gave us free wine 🙂

We held a very casual reception at our home when we got back and I made all the food myself. We'd gotten married in Scotland so I went with that theme, making big pans of cottage pie, homemade oatmeal bread, and potato leek soup. We also had some small mushroom tarts and sausage pasties I'd made and frozen ahead of time and reheated. DH made a cake in the shape of the Loch Ness Monster. 

[QueenCat]

8 hours ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

I am consistently amazed at the wedding industry.  My partner at work has a restaurant and catering business on the side, and does a lot of weddings.  The stories he tells me are mind boggling. There’s a local barn venue that charges $2000 just to use the venue. They offer absolutely nothing but the venue with seating, and will empty garbage cans.  Nothing, not even heat or help with decorating.  Plus you cannot DIY food there. They have a small list of approved caterers(my partner is one) to bring in. The food must be served by the caterer, no leaving it buffet style.  It amazes me that people will pay $2000 for...nothing.  But they are booked years in advance.m

A coworker worked 80 hours a week for three years, putting off her wedding(they were living together) until she had saved $48,000 for her dream wedding.  She definitely had a gorgeous wedding; I was jealous.  After a year of marriage, she was openly having an affair with another coworker(affairs are rampant where I work and it’s all open and ridiculous).  Apparently expensive weddings don’t necessarily lead to happy marriages.

 

That's sad for the groom. Just note that cheap weddings don't necessarily lead to happy marriages either... I see no correlation in real life even though there are "internet" stories that try to say that expensive weddings correlate with shorter marriages... 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, SquirrellyMama said:

Married 20 years ago...

My dress was from a shop that was going out of business so it was half off. I think around $250. We didn't decorate the church since it was Christmas time. The church already had up a tree and poinsettias. We also didn't decorate the church hall where we had the reception. The church was $100.

My MIL cooked our food. We had beef sandwiches and salads. We just did sheet cakes plus a small round cake for our topper.

My college roommate made my bouquet from silk poinsettias. 

I just did my hair like I always wore it. I did my own make-up.

Our photographer was a newspaper photographer hoping to get into weddings, so he did ours pretty cheaply. They were good, but definitely not what you see today. I prefered our $300 for what we received than the $$$$ paid for exquisite photos.

Kelly

 

You look lovely! And the flowers are so pretty!

[WendyLady]

1 hour ago, frogger said:

Happy Anniversary Wendy!

Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️ 

[DesertBlossom]

A friend of mine does flowers-- she's really talented and I think she charges a LOT!  But she made a comment about how she won't do Mormon weddings because Mormons are cheap. (She's also Mormon). She should charge whatever she wants and can still find clients for, but I have to roll my eyes a bit that she thinks everyone should be willing to shell out big bucks for wedding flowers and everything that goes along with it. (Heaven forbid a bride pick a wedding feature that was soooo last year's trend.)  I do think there's an expectation for weddings to be bigger and better and more creative than the last one. 

I picked out my wedding dress from a wedding outlet. I walked into this dress shop by myself, picked out my dress for $150 and was perfectly pleased with it. 

[J-rap]

I will say that in the midst of the bigger, more expensive wedding trends, I've also seen a turnaround.  My dd was in an outdoor wedding last summer with a picnic style reception.  Some family friends had a pot-luck reception.  My sister had a small wedding in my parents' backyard.  I'm glad that at least people can do things their own way and not be pressured to spend more than they're able, or do more than they want!

[J-rap]

On 1/5/2019 at 1:43 AM, LMD said:

The thing that is annoying me lately re weddings is how The Perfect Venue is so important, who cares about making your guests travel hours and hours, book hotels, lose an entire weekend or more. Or, many people just won't be able to make it, exclude most of your support system but hey the photos are pretty! Or, the venue is perfect but expensive so slash that guest list- again, exclude most of your support system!

We had ours at our church, local to 90% of our family and friends. The reception was held a few blocks away, we had a lunch time buffet so that we could afford all our guests.

I agree!  I have a relative who put off their wedding for two years so they could have the perfect venue in a distant state.  It's so baffling to me!

[DawnM]

My wedding and reception was $5000.  That included the dress, the church, a full catered luncheon, a cake, and paying the people officiating.  There were 200 guests.  Most of the $$ was spent on photography and food.  In hindsight, I could have made it even less......but that was fine.  

I have all boys.  Not sure what will happen as we Arne't there yet, but my friend has 3 kids (2 girls and a boy) and she gave each $10K for a wedding to spend as they liked, even the boy.   That seems generous/reasonable to me.  

And I am FINE with eloping or a small civil ceremony.  My parents would not approval AT ALL.....they believe taht it must be at a church in front of God (somehow God isn't anywhere but church, but whatever!) and it must be performed by a minister or it isn't spiritually valid......again.....whatever....but I did as they wanted for myself.  They can't travel anymore and may not even be around by the time my kids get married (mom is 89 and dad is 85 and neither is in good health.)

 

[DawnM]

Oh, and a friend's daughter got married recently.  50 people, rented the chapel on a Monday evening (1/4 the cost of regular rentals!) of a holiday weekend.  There was a greenhouse out back.  They borrowed a dress, wore suits instead of tuxes, used the greenhouse for flowers, had a small catered dinner (no alcohol) and the entire thing was under $2,000.  The photos are stunning and they look like they had an expensive wedding.  

[lmrich]

The sweets were all homemade. 

My MIL made the cake and froze the layers. My dh's cousin's new husband decorated the cake; his mother owned a bakery so he knew how to do it. (He did it so last minute that he missed the ceremony!)

My mom and I made all the cookies and lot of the finger foods. 

Our bouquets were calla lillies - super easy. We did have wedding flowers at the church - two sprays. 

We drove off in dh's little car which was completely full as he was moving to our new apartment 5 hours away and starting grad school the following week - which we paid for on my teacher's salary. We had a two night honeymoon. 

[ktgrok]

I'll encourage simplicity for my kids, and focusing on maybe ONE main thing you spend more on. For me that was a video/photographer because no friends/family where there. For them that may be something else. 

I'm also a HUGE fan of just doing it at a non meal time, to avoid the big food costs. Rather than a potluck dinner (which not everyone is comfortable with for such an event), do a tea reception with nice teas and cookies/scones and that could be an early afternoon thing, with a champagne punch. Or for something later/more elegant, a champagne and dessert buffett. Candy, cookies, cakes, etc with maybe a chocolate fountain or whatever - I've seen pictures of it done very well. 

[lavender's green]

My parents regretted a lot of things about their wedding. Just about everything was done by relatives, but rather shabbily. Too many corners were cut, to the point that it still stings today. Their dream was to give me a really nice wedding. My tastes tend toward the simple, so I think we met in the middle and pulled off a nice affair without breaking the bank. 

I remember my dress was $800, ten years ago. The Justice of Peace had a reasonable fee. No idea about the venue and they in-house catering they required, but that was important to my parents and they were paying, so it worked out. Same with the photographer. I'm sure the venue, catering, wine/beer, and photographer were by far the most expensive parts.

I don't remember the cost of the cakes (different flavors, one per table, you could get up and help yourself to whichever flavor), but I remember thinking it was reasonable. But they were not decorated in a super fancy way. Just elegantly-textured frosting and a flower or two on top. I remember the baker commenting that I was going to be a happy bride because I was focusing on the marriage and not the little details of the wedding.

I balked at the cost of the flowers. I didn't like the arrangements they were coming up with, and couldn't stomach whatever the price was. Mom suggested silk flowers. I'm sorry, guys, I hate silk flowers. I bought some pretty fans and gussied them up with ribbons, and that's what we carried. In hindsight I wish we had bought some flowers from the farmer's market or something, although that would have added to my stress levels, so I dunno...

I also balked at the cost of a veil. I wound up buying a fascinator from Etsy, for maybe $30. It was a really pretty focal point to our pictures. If I were doing it again I might try to make my own veil, or trim one with a fine crochet border, but I wasn't crafty at the time.

My female relatives got their hair done. I had short style at the time, and didn't want anything to compete with the fascinator. But I did get my makeup done. I'm very happy with those decisions.

For my kids I plan to write a check and they can use that however they want. It could cover all of a simpler wedding, or go toward the costs if they want more expensive options, or the honeymoon, house down payment, whatever.

[teachermom2834]

My tastes are simple and frugal but I don’t expect those of my children to necessarily be. My only dd is the baby of the family so we’ll likely be through this with 3 boys first. We don’t have a lot but I really hope we can do our part up to expectations. I suspect we’ll pay for a rehearsal dinner as much as I would be comfortable with for an entire wedding 🙁 we won’t go into debt or do anything we really can’t afford but I am mentally preparing to pay more than we would like so our future daughters in law and family don’t start out with hard feelings. 

No clue what we’ll actually be able to do when the time comes but I fully intend to do as much as we can even though it isn’t necessarily my values to have the picture perfect event. I intend to give what we can as a gift with no strings attached and keep my opinions to myself. Though I reserve the right to vent here about it.