skimomma Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 (edited) Thanks everyone! Edited August 6, 2018 by skimomma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 This sounds impossibly complicated to me. I'm not sure this is this the right thing to do, and look forward to seeing other responses, but this is my inclination. Postpone your party, citing too many conflicts. Nicely decline the invitation to the other party, citing a conflict for that night. If asked, I would tell people from the team that I did not know about the other party. I wouldn't do it in a nasty way, but matter-of-factly something like "no, we didn't know about the other party; if we had, we would not have scheduled ours for the next day." Next soccer event, reach out to the new girl's mom to show there are no hard feelings. I don't mean that I think you should bring up the party, but just talk to her. Your daughter should do the same with the teammate. It can be so hard not to be awkward in those situations, but it's a good skill for her to learn. Honestly I have no idea if this advice is good or not. I feel for you because I could picture my daughter in a similar awkward situation! ETA: At least if dd was not invited, her accurate plea of ignorance would be believed. She can honestly say that her invitation arrived late, after her own party invitations had gone out. People can make of that what they will. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I would just have DD text and or tell the rest of the team that she didn't know about the other party, it's not a big deal to anyone because she is older and no one would assume she'd be included. Especially if she is openly friendly to this other girl the next time they are all together, and maybe even says something to that effect in front of the others with a big apologetic smile on her face. Then I'd follow DD's lead. Does she want to cancel it or not? Does she want to go to the other party or not? She's old enough to decide this herself. If parents are interested, the daughters will share that your DD wasn't invited because they weren't as close. Those who aren't interested will have forgotten about this already. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 The whole thing is a bummer. We deal with team friends and school friends and it can be tricky. The team has (finally-after a couple of years of mean girl 13 yo behavior) evolved into everyone knows everything, even if not everyone is invited. In your shoes, I would tell dd that she should just go ahead and tell everyone that she didn't know about the party. She totally understands not being invited and still really likes the new girl. And then she should back that up with action at practice/games etc. DD should just have her party anyway-even if it ends up to be only non-team friends. Stuff like this is awkward for everyone-hitting it head-on moves the drama out of the way quickly. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 Just have your dd be honest. She was not invited to a party and hence didn't know about it, so she planned her own party and invited all the team. Had she known about the party she would have planned differently. Keep the party for when it is and who ever shows up shows up. I guess unless a lot of her non-team friends can't attend either. Then I'd likely reschedule it. This is only complicated because you are worried about being honest, which you shouldn't have to be. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 If she would have had her party without team friends if she had known, I would go ahead with the party and assume it will be mostly non-team friends. I agree with PP, I would send a text or however the team communicates, with something like "Hi, I didn't realize that x was having a party the day before mine. I completely understand if you guys don't want to do two sleepovers in a row but I'm going to go ahead with my party for those who can come. I'd still love to celebrate with the rest of you, so maybe we can get together when I return from X in a couple weeks." or something. And definitely act friendly when they see each other. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom@shiloh Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 10 minutes ago, Where's Toto? said: If she would have had her party without team friends if she had known, I would go ahead with the party and assume it will be mostly non-team friends. I agree with PP, I would send a text or however the team communicates, with something like "Hi, I didn't realize that x was having a party the day before mine. I completely understand if you guys don't want to do two sleepovers in a row but I'm going to go ahead with my party for those who can come. I'd still love to celebrate with the rest of you, so maybe we can get together when I return from X in a couple weeks." or something. And definitely act friendly when they see each other. Agreeing with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 7 minutes ago, Where's Toto? said: If she would have had her party without team friends if she had known, I would go ahead with the party and assume it will be mostly non-team friends. I agree with PP, I would send a text or however the team communicates, with something like "Hi, I didn't realize that x was having a party the day before mine. I completely understand if you guys don't want to do two sleepovers in a row but I'm going to go ahead with my party for those who can come. I'd still love to celebrate with the rest of you, so maybe we can get together when I return from X in a couple weeks." or something. And definitely act friendly when they see each other. I love this - way better than what I said. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 This is an easy one: you don't go to her party and you welcome anyone who comes to yours. If they feel "shunned" by this, that's on them and would be a very strange reaction under the circumstances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 It does not sound complicated to me. Your DD has other plans for the day before the sleepover, no hard feelings at all. Some of the teammates will go to one party, some to both. You will have less food to buy, yay! Whenever someone sends you an email saying 2 sleepovers in 2 days would be too much, respond that you understand, sorry, you did not know about the other one when you set the date. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 2 hours ago, hjffkj said: Just have your dd be honest. She was not invited to a party and hence didn't know about it, so she planned her own party and invited all the team. Had she known about the party she would have planned differently. Keep the party for when it is and who ever shows up shows up. I guess unless a lot of her non-team friends can't attend either. Then I'd likely reschedule it. This is only complicated because you are worried about being honest, which you shouldn't have to be. I agree with this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I'd try not to create drama out of it. Things happen. Maybe your dd would like to go to other girl's party afterall, and that's fine! Who cares if it's a pity invitation! ? It probably has more to do with the fact that neither girl knew each other, not that there are negative feelings. (My kids accepted a few pity party invites over the years and it turned out fine. :)) Are there still enough girls coming to your dd's party to make it fun? Then go ahead with it! No biggie. In our experience, we'd contact a core group of friends ahead of time to make sure the party date works out with them. If it does, we send out invites and whoever else can make it great. If not, that's fine too. Next year you can do something like that. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 This doesn't sound like drama. Youngest kid inviting oldest kids seems like a potential social misstep. When your dd invited youngest girl then it was realized that it was okay and they sent an invite. Iiwm, I'd advise dd to attend for the evening and not sleep over if it's too much combined with her own party. I would not tell people "I understand if it's too much" just let things happen! Even if you knew about the other party it sounds like it needed to be that day anyway. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I know you said your dd is going away for two weeks, but I would still postpone the party, citing the truth - that you didn't know about the other party and would not have scheduled them back to back. You can still do a party 2 weeks after the birthday. It is not a great option, but it still preserves the party for your dd and avoids the issue of not having the people she wants at the party. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I think there's a huge potential to make this a lot more drama-tastic than it is. The easiest thing is probably just to reschedule your party. If asked, say that you'd planned it long before you heard about another party but it was no big deal to reschedule. Accidents happen, scheduling conflicts happen, it's nobody's fault - even if it is. Be friendly and cheerful to this other mom and kid at all times. If you act like it's a simple misunderstanding that could have happened to anybody, nobody will think you did this on purpose... especially not if they all know you and your kid very well and know that you don't generally do things like that. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monica_in_Switzerland Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I think the other poor girl was probably just trying to keep her party simple by inviting those she'd already befriended. I think your dd should swallow her pride, take no offense, and attend the party. No offense was intended. Then, reschedule her own party even if it means a two week wait. Sorry, what a mess! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tranquility7 Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I would put on my most genuinely cheerful and friendly self, call the other mom and say something like, "I'm so sorry! We didn't know about your party and really didn't mean to create an awkward situation for your DD. She really does not need to invite my DD, my DD totally understands and honestly is not upset. It is no big deal, and we are just going to reschedule our party for after DD returns from out of town. That way we are just spreading out the fun! Plus we wouldn't want anyone to have to choose which party they can attend, and this way hopefully both parties will have great turnouts. You all have a great time celebrating!" Better yet, if DD is comfortable with it, have your DD call, and say all of that to the new girl. The new girl still might feel bad for not inviting her, but DD needs to just cheerfully tell her it is no big deal and that she doesn't always invite everyone either, it just happened to work out well to do that this year. Then reschedule DD's party, and make sure DD stays friendly and cheerful with the new girl so the new girl doesn't feel like she did anything wrong (which she didn't, of course). And then when rescheduling, just have DD cheerfully say that she didn't mean to schedule her party for the same weekend as the new girl, and so she is rescheduling for later so hopefully both parties will have great turnouts. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted July 24, 2018 Author Share Posted July 24, 2018 (edited) Thanks! Edited August 6, 2018 by skimomma 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 Instead of framing it as “she wasn’t invited” just go with “we were not aware of another party” or “we didn’t realize.” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 25, 2018 Share Posted July 25, 2018 Sounds like you have a good plan. But I'm really not sure about having your daughter "suck it up and go." It's not even necessarily the matter of it being a pity invite. Your daughter is having her own party the next day! And everyone knows this. It would not be weird at for her to decline for that reason alone - she's got things to do. And if she and the new girl are going to feel awkward, neither of them will have a good time, and it may make a future close friendship more difficult. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted July 31, 2018 Author Share Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) Thanks! Edited August 6, 2018 by skimomma 3 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Hugs to you and your daughter. What a mess. I hope she can enjoy her dinner. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Your DD sounds like a gem. She didn't deserve any of this. I'm sorry it worked out this way. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamonlyone Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Wow—way to take the high road. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful team leader. I hope the family/few friends party is really fun! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Your DD took the mature route. Good for her! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) Tell your dd all the WTM aunties are proud of her! ? Edited July 31, 2018 by FuzzyCatz 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 (edited) I would re-schedule DD's party after DD is back from her out of trip. Everyone will be in a much better frame of mind and the party won't be tainted with disappointment or anger or conflict; start over again. DD can gracefully bow out of other sleepover by enthusiastically gushing "happy birthday" to new girl and saying she is oh-so-sorry she can't attend but she has a previously-scheduled engagement that night that she absolutely cannot miss. Edited July 31, 2018 by Reefgazer 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Your dd is acting incredibly mature and honorable. I think it is good you guys got a heads up about the new girl and her thin skin. This is why dd2 only has a few non team friends over for her birthday. It is everyone or no one for team events to avoid similar scenarios. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 your dd wins the gracious award. good for her. I hope things can work out with the other girl over time, for the new girl's sake. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted August 1, 2018 Share Posted August 1, 2018 You guys are way, WAY nicer than I am. New girl is upset with your dd bc that's easier than admitting everyone would rather go to your dd's party, and that she probably put herself in a bad light by excluding two people from the team. I'm sorry it worked out this way for your dd. I hope she decides to reschedule her party and has a wonderful time! Oh, and yes, she needs a heads-up that new girl is upset with her. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted August 1, 2018 Share Posted August 1, 2018 Congrats Mom — you have raised a thoughtful and gracious daughter there! I hope she enjoys her birthday! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted August 1, 2018 Share Posted August 1, 2018 Way to go, DD! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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