Difficult to hold my tongue

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, HomeAgain said:

Things my mother told me 20 years ago still hurt today.  I'm *still* not ready to forgive her.

If you think your glances, posture, and other body language don't give away how you still feel, you're going to find out eventually how someone else sees through what words you may or may not be saying.

I am not glancing. Or posturing. I am not home with him hardly at all. 

Again though I have been up front in my opinion. It is no secret I think he needs to lose weight, so I don’t know what anyone expects me to do now. Create some lie and try to convince him I don’t think his weight is a problem? 

[lavender's green]

4 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

Things my mother told me 20 years ago still hurt today.  I'm *still* not ready to forgive her.

If you think your glances, posture, and other body language don't give away how you still feel, you're going to find out eventually how someone else sees through what words you may or may not be saying.

This. I'm still working through some things my mom has said to me, some involving weight (I'd cry tears of joy if I could be back at that weight and maintain it. It's actually a healthy weight for my height, both then and now). I'm not huge but I still have some pregnancy weight, and it really sucks to know how she views me because of it. She made fun of my pregnant belly before.

My MIL, on the other hand, doesn't usually say things outright. It's in the little glances, body language, moral superiority, the stories about her "friends" who followed her advice and magically got better. She has an uncommon number of friends who do things that I do that she doesn't like whose lives are righted as soon as they become like her. I'm not even talking about weight here, just illustrating how people can drive a wedge in relationships without directly saying a word.

[HomeAgain]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am not glancing. Or posturing. I am not home with him hardly at all. 

Again though I have been up front in my opinion. It is no secret I think he needs to lose weight, so I don’t know what anyone expects me to do now. Create some lie and try to convince him I don’t think his weight is a problem? 

I think you need to shift your mind set.  It's like me saying "My kid is so clumsy!  I keep telling him to watch where's he's going and he just doesn't!  I've spent so much time teaching him how to look first, then move, and nothing I do works!  Ugh! I don't know what to do.  I make him work on core strength and using his muscles properly but it's like talking to a stone wall. He won't even read the material I left him on how to overcome clumsiness."
You know why it wouldn't work?  Because clumsiness wasn't the issue.  Needing glasses was.

So, yeah, I think you need to stop looking at the symptom and calling it the problem.

[HS Mom in NC]

33 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am not glancing. Or posturing. I am not home with him hardly at all. 

Again though I have been up front in my opinion. It is no secret I think he needs to lose weight, so I don’t know what anyone expects me to do now. Create some lie and try to convince him I don’t think his weight is a problem? 

No. You're being obtuse. No one said anything at all about making up a lie and convincing him of anything.  Your response is how a child or teen would respond, not how an adult would respond to what people have suggested you do. People have told you repeatedly to back off, drop it, let it go, seek counseling for yourself in reply after reply. 

 Stop worrying about his weight.  It's not your job to do anything about it. It's not your job to say anything about it.  It's not your job to react to it in any way, because it's not your extra weight, he's not your biological/adopted child,  and he's an adult now (or will be momentarily.) Don't give him aps, don't send him links, don't discuss what the doctor said, don't pay attention to what he's eating/drinking, don't talk to your husband about it.  Just stop. Stop obsessing, fixating, controlling, helping, advising, and worrying about his weight.   Fix your thoughts, words, actions, feelings on something other than SSs weight and eating habits and instead get professional advice on how to handle step-family dynamics and parenting adult children/step-children.  You need to address your own personal issues, not anyone else's.  This isn't your 10 year old. Seriously, call a licensed family therapist tomorrow for the sake of your family.  You absolutely need it.  Most blended families need help, but your issues are rooted in serious personal issues, they're not just run of the mill blended family dynamics, which means much more serious intervention needs to happen within yourself before your family dynamics can be healthy.
  
Simply buy tasty, healthy, high nutrient food for everyone in your household and what they do with food/drink is none of your business. It's not your job. It's not your job. It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.It's not your job. It's not your job.....Keep repeating until the novelty wears off and it sinks in.

[MaeFlowers]

26 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Aside...my grandma's nickname was Mae. She spelled it like you!

Jumping off your point...

Someone can't make an addict quit or change. One can only control one's own choices. It gets crazy-making when one tries. 

 

Mae is my dd's middle name and my grandmother's and great grandmother's and my other great grandmother's...lol. 

And no, you can't fix people and it is so hard to sit back and watch.  Anger is pretty common feeling for people who live with those with addiction or mental illness or just people who aren't in control of some aspect of their lives in a majorly damaging way. Telling them they shouldn't be angry can be damaging. 

[Katy]

24 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am not glancing. Or posturing. I am not home with him hardly at all. 

Again though I have been up front in my opinion. It is no secret I think he needs to lose weight, so I don’t know what anyone expects me to do now. Create some lie and try to convince him I don’t think his weight is a problem? 

 

I think what the vast majority of us hope is that you let go of your need to think about or judge his weight in any way whatsoever.  Stop thinking about what the doctor said. It's none of your business. Stop complaining when he eats too much of something that he bought. He bought it, so it's none of your business. Stop obsessing or comparing or thinking about this at all.  Instead of fixing him or parenting him think about ways you can make him feel loved. Obsess with how you can make his life better. Stop with the weight. Just stop. At the very least, stop posting about his weight or his food choices here unless and until you ALL go to family therapy to work on some healthier dynamics.  You thinking about this at all isn't healthy and its actively damaging to him, probably more damaging than eating twice as many calories as he should be.  That's true whether you understand the why or not.

[Frances]

2 hours ago, Mergath said:

 

The higher fat content his milk has, the better. Skim milk is all empty carbs. Fat is what makes a person feel full. Contrary to popular belief, eating fat does not make you fat. Trying to encourage him to eat low fat foods is setting him up for failure.

Agreed. When my not overweight uncle became pre diabetic (diabetes runs in the family), the number one thing the doctor told him to stop doing was drinking so much skim milk everyday. Skim milk has also been linked to acne for those that our prone to it.

[hippiemamato3]

44 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I guess I am not cut out to be a step mom

 

Probably not, honestly. It takes a lot for someone to be able to love children who aren't their own apparently. The good news, for you, is that he's nearly an adult. The length of time where the child has to live with you is almost over. 

[Katy]

3 minutes ago, Frances said:

Agreed. When my not overweight uncle became pre diabetic (diabetes runs in the family), the number one thing the doctor told him to stop doing was drinking so much skim milk everyday. Skim milk has also been linked to acne for those that our prone to it.

 

This really depends on the genetics of the individual.  About 30% of diabetics have worse blood sugar control after eating saturated fat than they do eating pure sugar. There are genetic reasons for that - it has to do with the number of insulin receptors on certain classes of muscle cells. Those who have fewer insulin receptors find that the saturated fat blocks the insulin receptors, so their blood sugar rises.  Those with Native American ancestry tend to statistically have more difficulty with saturated fat than the general population. To know if that's true for any given individual they would have to test their blood glucose after every meal and snack to figure out if a lower saturated fat diet or a higher saturated fat diet would work better for them.

[sassenach]

I'm not going to read through all 5 pages, but if my ds (who does eat and drink a tremendous amount), went through a gallon of milk in 24 hours, I would TOTALLY say something. For me, it's about the cost of milk. It would be something like, "Dude, slow down on the milk! That stuff is expensive!"

 

[Tanaqui]

Scarlett already told us her stepson bought it himself. So worries about the cost of milk are beside the point - it's his money.

[hippiemamato3]

2 minutes ago, sassenach said:

I'm not going to read through all 5 pages, but if my ds (who does eat and drink a tremendous amount), went through a gallon of milk in 24 hours, I would TOTALLY say something. For me, it's about the cost of milk. It would be something like, "Dude, slow down on the milk! That stuff is expensive!"

 

 

He paid for it himself, so that's not really Scarlet's business. 

[Upennmama]

I don't understand why the posters here all think that it should be any easier for the OP to just "stop worrying" or "stop being annoyed" or "stop having feelings" about her DSS's weight, any more than it's easy for him to just "stop eating so much," KWIM? Obviously, as the adult, she should be able to control herself, and it sounds like she is, evidenced by her saying "it's hard to hold my tongue." I find it very hard to not be angry about self-destructive choices some mentally ill people in my family make. I understand why they do it, I know how they are struggling, I sympathize, but I still get really angry and have to work hard to control my tongue, too. Seems totally normal. And honestly, I am surprised at all the reactions here. If my child were battling a life-threatening disease, which obesity certainly is, I would certainly talk to him about it, and treat it as matter-of-factly and seriously as I could. No judgment or shaming, but here's what needs to happen for your health. If my child were using drugs every day, I wouldn't just sadly sympathize with how hard addiction is (and of course it is!), I would be working hard to not enable dangerous choices. Morbid obesity is a serious killer and health issue, and feeling sorry for him or talking about genetic predisposition, etc, doesn't change the fact that if he eats less he will likely lose weight. It's not fair at all, but it's just a fact. 

Question for the OP- does your DH have involvement here?  I would imagine these conversations might go better man-to-man, and perhaps bio-parent to kid. I am sure he's concerned, too, what does he think? 

[sassenach]

6 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said:

 

He paid for it himself, so that's not really Scarlet's business. 

 

Ah, the dangers of not reading the whole thread.

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

Scarlett already told us her stepson bought it himself. So worries about the cost of milk are beside the point - it's his money.

Yes that gallon he bought. It is the only gallon he has ever bought. The milk thing has been going on for a while.... I have noticed it but have tried to just put it out if my mind.  I might buy 2 gallons per week but not 7. And of the two gallons it would be nice if someone else got some of it. 

[Tsuga]

17 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said:

 

Probably not, honestly. It takes a lot for someone to be able to love children who aren't their own apparently. The good news, for you, is that he's nearly an adult. The length of time where the child has to live with you is almost over. 

Are you suggesting they kick him out at 18?

You never stop being a parent.

He does not sound like he has the maturity to move out. Our kids will likely all depend on us through college so I know from my side I have to work through expectations NOW.

More imprtantly, what it the point? Just to make Scarlett feel bad? 

What about the grandkids?

There are a lot of people on this board and in real life who spend most of their online time looking for solutions to their problems. And by that I mean, ways to turn their kids into someone else. If that makes you a bad parent then there are a lot of folks on here that should throw in the towel.

But maybe a better approach would be to focus on the shared journey of letting go of expectations with our kids.

[Katy]

12 minutes ago, Upennmama said:

I don't understand why the posters here all think that it should be any easier for the OP to just "stop worrying" or "stop being annoyed" or "stop having feelings" about her DSS's weight, any more than it's easy for him to just "stop eating so much," KWIM? Obviously, as the adult, she should be able to control herself, and it sounds like she is, evidenced by her saying "it's hard to hold my tongue." I find it very hard to not be angry about self-destructive choices some mentally ill people in my family make. I understand why they do it, I know how they are struggling, I sympathize, but I still get really angry and have to work hard to control my tongue, too. Seems totally normal. And honestly, I am surprised at all the reactions here. If my child were battling a life-threatening disease, which obesity certainly is, I would certainly talk to him about it, and treat it as matter-of-factly and seriously as I could. No judgment or shaming, but here's what needs to happen for your health. If my child were using drugs every day, I wouldn't just sadly sympathize with how hard addiction is (and of course it is!), I would be working hard to not enable dangerous choices. Morbid obesity is a serious killer and health issue, and feeling sorry for him or talking about genetic predisposition, etc, doesn't change the fact that if he eats less he will likely lose weight. It's not fair at all, but it's just a fact. 

Question for the OP- does your DH have involvement here?  I would imagine these conversations might go better man-to-man, and perhaps bio-parent to kid. I am sure he's concerned, too, what does he think? 

 

The difference is that this isn't her child.  And this isn't her first post about this child. It's a 17 year old stepson who she complains about and posts about every few months for years on end.  He came into her life far too late for her to parent him.  If you go back and read her old threads the problems she's continuously had with this near-adult  (who is working and in vocational school and has been making much better food choices than he used to ) are obviously not simply about his eating too much. His eating too much is an unhealthy coping behavior to avoud feeling the emotions that would come with with a myriad of other issues in his life.  But instead of focusing on or obsessing about the issues triggering his overeating, Scarlet frequently posts about the weight.  We all know his weight is a secondary problem to all the other issues the family mostly glosses over or ignores.  The weight is the thing Scarlet stresses and obsesses over. She constantly complains about the effects his weight has on her adult son.  You'd really have to go back and read all the old threads to figure out the reason we are all piling on.  Her obsession with this topic is unhealthy, no matter the effect his weight is having on him. And she insists that her obsession is good for him and refuses to acknowledge that we might be right about this, despite repeating the theme of this thread every few months for years on end.

[gingersmom]

Can we start a Go Fund Me for Scarletts step son so he can go buy as much milk as he wants?

 

 

[DawnM]

46 minutes ago, MaeFlowers said:

 

Mae is my dd's middle name and my grandmother's and great grandmother's and my other great grandmother's...lol. 

And no, you can't fix people and it is so hard to sit back and watch.  Anger is pretty common feeling for people who live with those with addiction or mental illness or just people who aren't in control of some aspect of their lives in a majorly damaging way. Telling them they shouldn't be angry can be damaging. 

 

It was my Grandmother's middle name (spelled this way) and it was going to be part of my daughter's name, but we never had a daughter.  ?

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

The difference is that this isn't her child.  And this isn't her first post about this child. It's a 17 year old stepson who she complains about and posts about every few months for years on end.  He came into her life far too late for her to parent him.  If you go back and read her old threads the problems she's continuously had with this near-adult  (who is working and in vocational school and has been making much better food choices than he used to ) are obviously not simply about his eating too much. His eating too much is an unhealthy coping behavior to avoud feeling the emotions that would come with with a myriad of other issues in his life.  But instead of focusing on or obsessing about the issues triggering his overeating, Scarlet frequently posts about the weight.  We all know his weight is a secondary problem to all the other issues the family mostly glosses over or ignores.  The weight is the thing Scarlet stresses and obsesses over. She constantly complains about the effects his weight has on her adult son.  You'd really have to go back and read all the old threads to figure out the reason we are all piling on.  Her obsession with this topic is unhealthy, no matter the effect his weight is having on him. And she insists that her obsession is good for him and refuses to acknowledge that we might be right about this, despite repeating the theme of this thread every few months for years on end.

You are very very unkind to me. 

I post a lot. About a lot of things. Not just my step son. 

I have never insisted my obsession is good for him. I have in fact barely mentioned his weight to him for well over 6 months . I do find it difficult to hold my tongue but I have been doing that. And one time I said it didn’t seem fair to me that my son can’t have cookies in the house because dss has a weight problem. Yet somehow that is brought up over and over as if I am I overly concerned about my son and cookies . 

 

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, gingersmom said:

Can we start a Go Fund Me for Scarletts step son so he can go buy as much milk as he wants?

 

 

Is that what you think would be beneficial to him?

[Scarlett]

31 minutes ago, Upennmama said:

I don't understand why the posters here all think that it should be any easier for the OP to just "stop worrying" or "stop being annoyed" or "stop having feelings" about her DSS's weight, any more than it's easy for him to just "stop eating so much," KWIM? Obviously, as the adult, she should be able to control herself, and it sounds like she is, evidenced by her saying "it's hard to hold my tongue." I find it very hard to not be angry about self-destructive choices some mentally ill people in my family make. I understand why they do it, I know how they are struggling, I sympathize, but I still get really angry and have to work hard to control my tongue, too. Seems totally normal. And honestly, I am surprised at all the reactions here. If my child were battling a life-threatening disease, which obesity certainly is, I would certainly talk to him about it, and treat it as matter-of-factly and seriously as I could. No judgment or shaming, but here's what needs to happen for your health. If my child were using drugs every day, I wouldn't just sadly sympathize with how hard addiction is (and of course it is!), I would be working hard to not enable dangerous choices. Morbid obesity is a serious killer and health issue, and feeling sorry for him or talking about genetic predisposition, etc, doesn't change the fact that if he eats less he will likely lose weight. It's not fair at all, but it's just a fact. 

Question for the OP- does your DH have involvement here?  I would imagine these conversations might go better man-to-man, and perhaps bio-parent to kid. I am sure he's concerned, too, what does he think? 

History my dear. Posters who don’t like me and or are triggered by weight discussions. 

My dh thinks his son needs to lose weight. Like me he mostly holds his tongue but also like me he isn’t perfect . 

[HS Mom in NC]

46 minutes ago, Upennmama said:

I don't understand why the posters here all think that it should be any easier for the OP to just "stop worrying" or "stop being annoyed" or "stop having feelings" about her DSS's weight, any more than it's easy for him to just "stop eating so much," KWIM? Obviously, as the adult, she should be able to control herself, and it sounds like she is, evidenced by her saying "it's hard to hold my tongue." I find it very hard to not be angry about self-destructive choices some mentally ill people in my family make. I understand why they do it, I know how they are struggling, I sympathize, but I still get really angry and have to work hard to control my tongue, too. Seems totally normal. And honestly, I am surprised at all the reactions here. If my child were battling a life-threatening disease, which obesity certainly is, I would certainly talk to him about it, and treat it as matter-of-factly and seriously as I could. No judgment or shaming, but here's what needs to happen for your health. If my child were using drugs every day, I wouldn't just sadly sympathize with how hard addiction is (and of course it is!), I would be working hard to not enable dangerous choices. Morbid obesity is a serious killer and health issue, and feeling sorry for him or talking about genetic predisposition, etc, doesn't change the fact that if he eats less he will likely lose weight. It's not fair at all, but it's just a fact. 

Question for the OP- does your DH have involvement here?  I would imagine these conversations might go better man-to-man, and perhaps bio-parent to kid. I am sure he's concerned, too, what does he think? 

Adults learn to spend energy on things they can control. It's part of the emotional maturation process. Adults who haven't developed this skill need to seek out professional help in learning it. It isn't easy and it doesn't happen overnight,no one at any point in this thread claimed it was,  but the first step is acknowledging the boundary that it's not step-mom or even dad's job to police a 17 year old's eating/drinking choices.  Then the next step is consciously working on controlling how step-mom and dad think about the situation. The next step is step-mom and dad taking actions in line with the new thinking, which is backing off and not babysitting adults.

She hasn't enabled in any way.  He bought the milk himself.  People are encouraging her to buy healthy, high nutrient food for the household, so if he decides to eat better, it's readily available.  If he were a drug addict, counselors would tell the parents that the addict will seek out help when they decide to internally, not because someone is pressuring them to externally. 

Yes, it's bad for your health to be overweight and will eventually kill you, but let's not be overly dramatic.  Obese people live very long lives.  My 75 year old MIL has been morbidly obese (she must weigh at least 350 lbs. and she's about 5'8" tall )for 65 years now. My 46 year old SIL has been morbidly obese (250-320 lbs. in her adult years and she's 5'5" tall) for 40 years now.  They may have medical issues that need managing (diabetes, high blood pressure) but they're still alive and functioning independently, so don't give it more of a sense of urgency that is real.  SS will mature and as he matures he may be ready to make a change and seek out help himself.  No one can do that for another adult.  He's practically an adult, it's time he was treated like one. Whether he chooses to make a change in the future is up to him.  Trying to apply external influence to make that happen is fruitless and counterproductive.

[TechWife]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

You are very very unkind to me. 

I post a lot. About a lot of things. Not just my step son. 

I have never insisted my obsession is good for him. I have in fact barely mentioned his weight to him for well over 6 months . I do find it difficult to hold my tongue but I have been doing that. And one time I said it didn’t seem fair to me that my son can’t have cookies in the house because dss has a weight problem. Yet somehow that is brought up over and over as if I am I overly concerned about my son and cookies . 

 

 

For me, I find the fact that you  “find it difficult to hold your tongue” is an indicator that you aren’t viewing this in a healthy way. A healthy person (physical, emotional, spiritual) knows when and where his or her responsibilities begin and end. When we find ourselves in uncomfortable situations, we are able to realize what we can and can’t do based upon our responsibility for the person and situation concerned. Based upon that realization, we move forward with actions, when appropriate. When actions aren’t appropriate, we move along with our lives. I truly believe that if you accepted the fact that you can’t control your SS, you wouldn’t have a hard time “holding your tongue.” I think if you understand your role, you might find yourself frustrated, sad or angry about his situation, but you would be able to realize that your emotions are your responsibility. You can choose to dwell in the anger, frustration or sadness or you can choose to manage your emotions and learn healthy ways of dealing with them that focus on you,  not him. If you feel your emotions are out of your control, then I do think you need some counseling to work through them and to learn some emotional control skills. I know I’ve already mentioned this, but the book “Boundaries” was truly life changing for me. I think it would be a great resource for you as you go through your life. 

 

 

[maize]

17 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

History my dear. Posters who don’t like me and or are triggered by weight discussions. 

My dh thinks his son needs to lose weight. Like me he mostly holds his tongue but also like me he isn’t perfect . 

 

This needs to not be a mostly thing. The lad is almost an adult, both you and his dad need to let go of your need for him to lose weight. Now. Completely. Not only don't say stuff to him--ever--but stop thinking about it.

I know that won't be easy, but for the sake of your relationship with him, of having love between you be pure and unimpeded, it is what needs to happen.

If it doesn't you may end up like my 90 year old grandma who still harps on my 70 year old aunt about her weight. It doesn't matter if grandma "holds her tongue" for a couple of months or years or decades--the minute she brings the issue back up all that long history comes tumbling back down to wreak havoc on the relationship all over again.

Can you imagine an entire lifetime like that--on either end?

Let this go. If he asks you for help in some way, give it willingly. Otherwise--it is his life and his burden to bear; you can't take it from him and trying to help him fix it is only going to make things worse.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, TechWife said:

 

For me, I find the fact that you  “find it difficult to hold your tongue” is an indicator that you aren’t viewing this in a healthy way. A healthy person (physical, emotional, spiritual) knows when and where his or her responsibilities begin and end. When we find ourselves in uncomfortable situations, we are able to realize what we can and can’t do based upon our responsibility for the person and situation concerned. Based upon that realization, we move forward with actions, when appropriate. When actions aren’t appropriate, we move along with our lives. I truly believe that if you accepted the fact that you can’t control your SS, you wouldn’t have a hard time “holding your tongue.” I think if you understand your role, you might find yourself frustrated, sad or angry about his situation, but you would be able to realize that your emotions are your responsibility. You can choose to dwell in the anger, frustration or sadness or you can choose to manage your emotions and learn healthy ways of dealing with them that focus on you,  not him. If you feel your emotions are out of your control, then I do think you need some counseling to work through them and to learn some emotional control skills. I know I’ve already mentioned this, but the book “Boundaries” was truly life changing for me. I think it would be a great resource for you as you go through your life. 

 

 

I don’t think my emotions are out of my control. I foolishly vented here because I didn’t want to say anything to dss. 

[TechWife]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I don’t think my emotions are out of my control. I foolishly vented here because I didn’t want to say anything to dss. 

Then why do you find yourself in a scenario where you have to hold your tongue? You can choose to let go of the desire to control other people’s actions, you really can. When you do, you won’t need to hold your tongue because either it won’t occur to you to say something inappropriate, or you will recognize that feeling of frustration or anger that is causing you to want to speak out inappropriately  and deal with your emotion instead of focusing on your stepson. Either way, you will not continue in the mode of needing to hold your tongue, you will move on. Boundaries, seriously good book. 

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, TechWife said:

Then why do you find yourself in a scenario where you have to hold your tongue? You can choose to let go of the desire to control other people’s actions, you really can. When you do, you won’t need to hold your tongue because either it won’t occur to you to say something inappropriate, or you will recognize that feeling of frustration or anger that is causing you to want to speak out inappropriately  and deal with your emotion instead of focusing on your stepson. Either way, you will not continue in the mode of needing to hold your tongue, you will move on. Boundaries, seriously good book. 

 I did deal  with my emotions . I just shouldn’t have posted because it gets drug out and over analyzed. 

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, TechWife said:

Then why do you find yourself in a scenario where you have to hold your tongue? You can choose to let go of the desire to control other people’s actions, you really can. When you do, you won’t need to hold your tongue because either it won’t occur to you to say something inappropriate, or you will recognize that feeling of frustration or anger that is causing you to want to speak out inappropriately  and deal with your emotion instead of focusing on your stepson. Either way, you will not continue in the mode of needing to hold your tongue, you will move on. Boundaries, seriously good book. 

And I can be annoyed that the milk disappears in a day without it being about controlling anyone Yes yes he bought this one and only gallon . All the gallons I have been buying for months are disappearing very quickly and i reacted when it happened in 24 hours. 

[Scarlett]

21 minutes ago, maize said:

 

This needs to not be a mostly thing. The lad is almost an adult, both you and his dad need to let go of your need for him to lose weight. Now. Completely. Not only don't say stuff to him--ever--but stop thinking about it.

I know that won't be easy, but for the sake of your relationship with him, of having love between you be pure and unimpeded, it is what needs to happen.

If it doesn't you may end up like my 90 year old grandma who still harps on my 70 year old aunt about her weight. It doesn't matter if grandma "holds her tongue" for a couple of months or years or decades--the minute she brings the issue back up all that long history comes tumbling back down to wreak havoc on the relationship all over again.

Can you imagine an entire lifetime like that--on either end?

Let this go. If he asks you for help in some way, give it willingly. Otherwise--it is his life and his burden to bear; you can't take it from him and trying to help him fix it is only going to make things worse.

Some say let it go and others say get him help no matter the cost. 

[Upennmama]

I totally disagree with these posters saying that it's a sign of something wrong with you to care about this. No, of course don't harangue or judge him, but the simple feeling of frustration when a person makes self-destructive choices is normal and human. I have a mother with a serious mental illness, and she does financially crazy things all the time which hurt her. They don't hurt me, but it makes me nuts when she tells me about spending thousands on ________ dumb thing. I work hard not to respond, or to be constructive, but the feeling is fine because she is someone I love, and she's hurting herself. I'm not judging her on whether she homeschools or not, or how she dresses, or something that's just personal preference. Likewise (and I say this as a very overweight person), being overweight is socially, financially, and physically difficult, burdensome, uncomfortable, and unhealthy. Watching your kid eat himself to death is akin to watching your kid use serious drugs or text and drive. I bet no one would be telling you to "let go of your desire to control others choices" if you cared about that stuff.

It is destructive and it's sad that the DSS is struggling and making some bad choices for his health. Being annoyed is normal, not a sign of needing counselling.  

[chiguirre]

38 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

History my dear. Posters who don’t like me and or are triggered by weight discussions. 

 

This is a board made up of mainly middle-aged moms. Any sort of fat-shaming is going to bring out the virtual pitchforks and (less obviously) lots of hurt feelings since so many of us struggle with our weight. Maybe a trigger warning would be a good idea?

[katilac]

I think Scarlett has some harmful ideas about weight and weight loss, and I've told her so on past threads. However, I also think she does care deeply for her stepson and that she has done quite a lot of advocating on his behalf over the years, in many different ways. Also, let's not lose sight of the fact that she posted here so she wouldn't  say something to her stepson. I don't think it's realistic to say it shouldn't even occur to her to say something. We've had endless threads on how hard it is to parent young adults, know when to intervene and when to step aside, and so on.  

Somebody on the boards has a great signature, something like, 'I was converted to Christ when someone yelled at me on the street, said no one, ever' and I think the sentiment applies here. Do those of you who are screaming at Scarlett that she is a horrible person who hates her stepson really think you are helping? Do you think she is going to say, oh wow, I am  a horrible person, thanks for pointing that out, I'm going to do everything you say! Of course not, and you know it. 

Scarlett does have trouble letting go of old beliefs and patterns of behavior, maybe more so than many of us, but it is a struggle for everyone. Does she post the same questions and concerns again and again? Yes, she does, but no one has to participate in her threads.  People have said "you don't listen to us" but there is disagreement in every thread on what she should do. And some of her behaviors and decisions have changed.  

When I was young and arrogant, my job involved public health education, and a wiser person taught me to value results over being right: Always ask yourself, am I trying to make a point, or am I trying to make a difference? 

If you post in a thread and tell someone that they are hateful and wrong and will never change, you are trying to make a point. I guarantee you are not making a difference. 

[Tanaqui]

Quote

I totally disagree with these posters saying that it's a sign of something wrong with you to care about this.

 

You're lacking several years and dozens of threads worth of context that the rest of us have.

[Frances]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Many people here told me to keep trigger foods out of the house. I did resist that at first but gave in. So we don’t have junk at all. I guess that is why he has been drinking so much milk . 

Of course he knows how I feel because I have told him. But not currently. I just let him be. 

I think it’s great you’re keeping all trigger foods out of the house. I’d try buying Fairlife milk instead of regular milk. It has much more protein and fewer carbs and simple sugars, so much better for someone trying to lose weight. And I’m guessing he would actually drink less of it because it wouldn’t worsen the carb cravings and is more filling.

[katilac]

1 minute ago, Tanaqui said:

 

You're lacking several years and dozens of threads worth of context that the rest of us have.

 

I don't lack that context, I don't agree with Scarlett's viewpoints on weight loss, but I don't think it's wrong of her to care about it or struggle with how to deal with it. 

[elegantlion]

49 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

History my dear. Posters who don’t like me and or are triggered by weight discussions. 

My dh thinks his son needs to lose weight. Like me he mostly holds his tongue but also like me he isn’t perfect . 

 

And history does have a habit of repeating itself. It not that posters don't like you - I have nothing against you personally, we've walked in several of the same paths in our lifetimes - or triggered by weight discussions - I don't like my body, yet I'm not triggered by discussing weight. 

Some of us are frustrated because as said above, it appears to be an obsession. You have previously posted about not understanding obesity and have since done research. But you still compare to your son. As the mother of an only child, we cannot base the standard off our perception of having raised one child. Perhaps this is where some of the divide comes in. My son is pretty cool, I adore him, but I have to say he was an easy child to raise. If I compared him as a teen to another teen, it wouldn't have been fair to the either of them. Each child is their own person with quirks, baggage, and great things about them. 

Teenage boys eat a lot. He drank a gallon of milk in a day. Would he have chosen soda six months ago? In the scheme of life, it's not outside the realm of normal for a teenage boy. Choices from here? 1. he must buy his own milk more often because of budget or 2. you buy him more milk because of the way you do groceries, or 3. I'm buying this milk for the household, and I'm buying this milk for you or you're welcome to keep your milk here in the fridge. Then, end of discussion. No comments on obesity or nutrition, just commentary on milk and teenage boy consumption. 

 

 

[maize]

19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Some say let it go and others say get him help no matter the cost. 

 

At this stage, any lasting change will only come if it is driven by his desire, not yours.

I doubt that any parent of an obese 17 year old has ever been able to fix the the obesity problem based on the parent's motivation.

I'm not saying it isn't a problem. I'm not saying it is wrong that you care about his health.

But it truly is his problem not yours. You can support him if and when he wants your help and support.

Worrying about how much milk he drinks...right now, isn't your job. 

I'm a bit conflicted in saying this because if this child were severely anorexic or suicidal I would be jumping on the "do absolutely anything you can to help them" bandwagon--those conditions are urgent and acute and the person afflicted, no matter their age, usually doesn't have fully functioning mental faculties in the moment.

Obesity as an illness doesn't function the same way.

You've done right by this kid in getting him to a doctor and running tests. If he wants more professional help and you are able to get him that then that will be excellent. 

Beyond that--love him and yes let go of your worry over his weight. It is not your burden. You aren't equipped to lift it.

[Tsuga]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

 

The difference is that this isn't her child.  

I know you have issues with your stepmom but your attitude towards stepfamilies is, frankly, disgusting and hate filled.

You were hurt, I get it.

But some people.were hurt by foster parents--are foster families not real families either? My mom is passive aggressive and has issues, is she not a real mom?

Your dismissal of non traditional families is just another iteration of your stepmom's hate. Please get help.

[Sneezyone]

3 minutes ago, Tsuga said:

I know you have issues with your stepmom but your attitude towards stepfamilies is, frankly, disgusting and hate filled.

You were hurt, I get it.

But some people.were hurt by foster parents--are foster families not real families either? My mom is passive aggressive and has issues, is she not a real mom?

Your dismissal of non traditional families is just another iteration of your stepmom's hate. Please get help.

 

Actually, she’s previously said that this isn’t her child, it’s her husband’s son. She’s gone out of her way to point that out on numerous occasions. One is just her son. The other is her stepson, not her son.

[Tsuga]

@Scarlett when a teen buys snacks it is not the same as adults buying food.

We buy food for the household. They buy food for themselves.

He did not buy milk to help out (that is not what teens should have to do in normal circumstances). He did it to take control of his eating. You should know that and stop arguing that you buy all this milk. Of course you do. You're a parent. The fact that you buy all the food is a given.

Our kids buy some of their own snacks... That does not translate into family food. It is their own.

They will buy for their own families someday. Until then, the Ramen, the chips, the Gatorade, the Pocky sticks (yes we teach nutrition, but they are kids)... That's something they get to keep. But not in their rooms because of ants.

[Tsuga]

1 minute ago, Sneezyone said:

 

Actually, she’s previously said that this isn’t her child, it’s her husband’s son. She’s gone out of her way to point that out on numerous occasions. One is just her son. The other is her stepson, not her son.

Speaking of context--she has distinguished between them but no she has not said it in that way, "he's not my kid." She has acknowledged that she doesn't have full control over the situation and wasn't involved in all the choices that got him to this point. I do think that there is an important distinction there. I have way less influence over my stepkids but I will also fight for them.

And Katy has repeatedly in several threads reiterated that stepfamilies are not families. It's not just hurtful and cruel (though it is absolutely those things), it is unhelpful. 

I wonder what the desired outcome is. It is not changed behavior because only love can motivate that. Not fear or self-hatred.

Which is something a lot of people on this thread could do to recognize.

[bzymom]

 

A gallon of milk for a teen boy?  Not surprising to me.  When I had 3 teen boys I was buying 5 gallons each time I stopped at the store.  In the context of a young man needing to lose weight, a gallon of milk a day is not a great choice for him to make.   Not a great choice for anybody needing to lose weight to reach a healthy weight.  But the milk is not the issue.

Contempt for your stepson and what you perceive as his failure to control his eating and his weight radiates in your statements.   He needs help getting to better health.  He is not open to that at this moment. 

So my sincere advice to you is to seek some counseling for yourself so you can live more harmoniously with this young man.   Whether you ever speak of weight or food or milk or exercise or any of it in his presence again or not, he is already well aware of your feelings.  And likely ashamed.  Maybe embarrassed.  Possibly angry.  And you have agreed you cannot control it.  But you also cannot let it go.   Please consider counseling.  

 

[Sneezyone]

4 minutes ago, Tsuga said:

Speaking of context--she has distinguished between them but no she has not said it in that way, "he's not my kid." She has acknowledged that she doesn't have full control over the situation and wasn't involved in all the choices that got him to this point. I do think that there is an important distinction there. I have way less influence over my stepkids but I will also fight for them.

And Katy has repeatedly in several threads reiterated that stepfamilies are not families. It's not just hurtful and cruel (though it is absolutely those things), it is unhelpful. 

I wonder what the desired outcome is. It is not changed behavior because only love can motivate that. Not fear or self-hatred.

Which is something a lot of people on this thread could do to recognize.

 

For me, I desire to see this family in therapy but that’ll never happen because this is all the boy’s fault so I sit back and watch the slow-motion train wreck and hope for the best. Y’all are wasting your breath.

[katilac]

 

4 minutes ago, Tsuga said:

Speaking of context--she has distinguished between them but no she has not said it in that way, "he's not my kid." She has acknowledged that she doesn't have full control over the situation and wasn't involved in all the choices that got him to this point. I do think that there is an important distinction there. I have way less influence over my stepkids but I will also fight for them.

 

 

 

Right. I think it's disingenuous to act like it does not matter at all if he is her son or her stepson. Of course it matters. He has a bio mom who is involved in his life, Scarlett did not replace her. Should she stop comparing the two boys? Of course she should, but there's nothing wrong with saying my son and my stepson. He is, indeed, her stepson. 

[Pen]

28 minutes ago, maize said:

 

At this stage, any lasting change will only come if it is driven by his desire, not yours.

I doubt that any parent of an obese 17 year old has ever been able to fix the the obesity problem based on the parent's motivation.

I'm not saying it isn't a problem. I'm not saying it is wrong that you care about his health.

But it truly is his problem not yours. You can support him if and when he wants your help and support.

Worrying about how much milk he drinks...right now, isn't your job. 

I'm a bit conflicted in saying this because if this child were severely anorexic or suicidal I would be jumping on the "do absolutely anything you can to help them" bandwagon--those conditions are urgent and acute and the person afflicted, no matter their age, usually doesn't have fully functioning mental faculties in the moment.

Obesity as an illness doesn't function the same way.

You've done right by this kid in getting him to a doctor and running tests. If he wants more professional help and you are able to get him that then that will be excellent. 

Beyond that--love him and yes let go of your worry over his weight. It is not your burden. You aren't equipped to lift it.

 

I agree with the content of what you wrote. 

But I don’t think this thread was seeking ways to fix things so much as just being a vent. 

It should perhaps have said it was just to vent in the title. 

This is not directed at you Maize, but some of those on here who are upset could themselves refrain from posting just as they want op to refrain from involvement in her ss food / obesity issues   

As threads get marked “hot” and grow to many pages long I think it sucks in more and more people to read and post sort of like an enticing food item might draw eaters...or ants. I know I kept myself out for a while and then at a certain point, I bit...

 

[Pawz4me]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Some say let it go and others say get him help no matter the cost. 

The two things are not necessarily contradictory, although he does have to want the help.

[Guest]

I’m sure the conversation has gone far away from this point by now, but I do think that is an extraordinarily large amount of (any beverage besides water) for anyone to drink in a day unless they are some sort of technical athlete and thus require several thousand calories per day. My husband and kids are milk drinkers; in my mind, I have always thought they drink a lot of milk, which in our household means I buy (when all are home) five gallons per week. So four family members, including two grown men can polish off five gallons per week. And that seems to me like a lot of milk. It’s like $17 a week just for milk, not including the half gallon of lactose-free milk I get for myself.

I would have a problem with it just because it’s a problem to buy and store any more milk than that per week. I would not “solve” this problem by just buying ten gallons of milk a week. And if he drinks the milk compulsively until it is gone, buying more milk helps nothing. 

[Pen]

6 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m sure the conversation has gone far away from this point by now, but I do think that is an extraordinarily large amount of (any beverage besides water) for anyone to drink in a day unless they are some sort of technical athlete and thus require several thousand calories per day. My husband and kids are milk drinkers; in my mind, I have always thought they drink a lot of milk, which in our household means I buy (when all are home) five gallons per week. So four family members, including two grown men can polish off five gallons per week. And that seems to me like a lot of milk. It’s like $17 a week just for milk, not including the half gallon of lactose-free milk I get for myself.

I would have a problem with it just because it’s a problem to buy and store any more milk than that per week. I would not “solve” this problem by just buying ten gallons of milk a week. And if he drinks the milk compulsively until it is gone, buying more milk helps nothing. 

 

The large amount of just fluid is I think why some people asked about diabetes. 

And that really can be suddenly life threatening. A neighbor child went into diabetic coma a few years ago. And recently a relative of ours was in a car accident caused by a person who had blood sugar going out of whack. Even if not over the diabetes line, apparently out of control blood sugar can cause change in thinking...which in turn might cause issues with eating sensibly similar to the driving sensibly impairment. 

 

As well, apparently, according to my uncle who is a veterinarian some dogs (such as Labs) don’t have a gene that allows them to feel full. They might just keep eating what ever is there. We had this with one of our dogs. And maybe some people have it too.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

The large amount of just fluid is I think why some people asked about diabetes. 

And that really can be suddenly life threatening. A neighbor child went into diabetic coma a few years ago. And recently a relative of ours was in a car accident caused by a person who had blood sugar going out of whack. Even if not over the diabetes line, apparently out of control blood sugar can cause change in thinking...which in turn might cause issues with eating sensibly similar to the driving sensibly impairment. 

 

As well, apparently, according to my uncle who is a veterinarian some dogs (such as Labs) don’t have a gene that allows them to feel full. They might just keep eating what ever is there. We had this with one of our dogs. And maybe some people have it too.

I think any person (or even a dog) who is so significantly obese as Scarlet’s dss has hormones totally out of whack. So they keep getting a signal to eat/drink more and they keep obeying that signal - this is why I say I do not feel the solution is to make sure there are always more gallons of milk ready to go. 

I think an interesting thing about the US (and maybe/probably other developed nations with drastically climbing obesity rates) is that culturally, we act as though nobody should ever experience hunger. I know this was not always the case; my grandparent’s did not think this way and neither does my MIL. But current US culture strives to thwart any possibility that someone might experience hunger. We treat it like it’s an awful emergency. Even the possibility that we may find ourselves on the road or in an activity is enough to make many (most?) people pack up snacks and beverages or plan around buying food somewhere. 

I recently read not all of, but some of the book The Obesity Code and, while I readily admit there are things in that book I don’t like and I disagree with, the part I appreciate is that he recognizes that feeling hungry does not mean one must eat.