Difficult to hold my tongue

[Murphy101]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Unkind.  

 

Well it is a point of fact.  The thin one forgets to eat.  The overweight one does not. The thin one tries to drink a gallon of milk per week, the overweight one drinks a gallon per day.  The thin one walks 15000 steps per day, the overweight one won't put step counter on his phone.  

These things do add up and they are why one is normal weight and one is overweight.  

 

This makes me want to cry for both of them. Because that sounds like such a tense household.  Over what? Fat? Here's so much worse in the world than some fat. Or even a lot of fat.

And you keep saying that final sentence in dozens of different ways as though that will make it true. But it just isn't.

I'll say it again, quit comparing them and quit making his weight your issue. 

There is no happy result for anyone from those two things.

If it's making you this unhappy, that kid has got to be absolutely miserable. 

[Bootsie]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am frankly shocked that anyone thinks it is normal regardless of weight.  That is a lot of calories.  

My DS could easily polish off a gallon of milk some days.  He has even been known to drink a gallon of chocolate milk in a day!  He doesn't do it every day, but it wouldn't shock me when he did.  I can't imagine it because I can't drink a few ounces of milk without gagging.  But a gallon of ice cream..... that might be another thing. 

DH had a friend who took bids from the milkmen in the area to sell milk to his family because his teen boys went through so much.  Another family we know keeps a separate refrigerator to store milk because they go through so much with their teen boys.  So, some teen boys do drink an incredible amount of milk. 

 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

 

But they are two entirely different people. I really wish you would stop comparing them all the time. It’s so unfair to your stepson. 

Your son is naturally slim. He has never had a weight problem. Your son skips meals because he’s not hungry, not because he has super amazing willpower. He walks 15,000 steps a day because he enjoys being active, not because he’s intentionally struggling to get extra exercise.

Your stepson is not your son. He’s HUNGRY. He isn’t as naturally high-energy like your son. He isn’t naturally slim. You need to stop acting as though your stepson should be living your son’s lifestyle because what comes naturally to your son would require massive effort and dedication from your stepson because those things don’t come naturally to him.

My son is hungry.  He just doesn't realize it.  I sometimes have to tell him he needs to eat because he Is cranky. 

I compare because I have them both! How can I not. 

[Sneezyone]

6 minutes ago, Mergath said:

 

That depends entirely on the person. If someone, for example, is used to drinking a case of pop every day and is looking for a less unhealthy replacement, a gallon of milk would be fantastic. 

You are not the decider of what is healthy for everyone else. Worry about yourself and leave your poor stepson the hell alone. We get it. You hate him. It's crystal clear to everyone here, and God forbid he ever stumble across this forum.

 

It is wildly, stupidly, over-the-line inappropriate. I keep hoping the mods will shut it down but, no, it keeps happening at regular intervals.

[maize]

10 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

True.  But if one IS overweight then they shouldn't be drinking a gallon of milk per day.  Full stop. 

If one's body is urgently signaling hunger all day long it is difficult and miserable to not eat/drink.

Try to imagine the hungriest you have ever felt and then imagine that that is how you feel all day every day. That may be a decent approximation of what your step son experiences.

[Mergath]

1 minute ago, jdahlquist said:

My DS could easily polish off a gallon of milk some days.  He has even been known to drink a gallon of chocolate milk in a day!  He doesn't do it every day, but it wouldn't shock me when he did.  I can't imagine it because I can't drink a few ounces of milk without gagging.  But a gallon of ice cream..... that might be another thing. 

DH had a friend who took bids from the milkmen in the area to sell milk to his family because his teen boys went through so much.  Another family we know keeps a separate refrigerator to store milk because they go through so much with their teen boys.  So, some teen boys do drink an incredible amount of milk. 

 

 

I'm breastfeeding a gigantic ten month old, and I think I could drink a gallon of milk in a day. I'm thirsty and I like milk. 

Older dd and I can finish off a gallon of milk in a couple days between the two of us. And neither of us is obese. Dd is downright thin.  

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

This makes me want to cry for both of them. Because that sounds like such a tense household.  Over what? Fat? Here's so much worse in the world than some fat. Or even a lot of fat.

And you keep saying that final sentence in dozens of different ways as though that will make it true. But it just isn't.

I'll say it again, quit comparing them and quit making his weight your issue. 

There is no happy result for anyone from those two things.

If it's making you this unhappy, that kid has got to be absolutely miserable. 

Note:. I am not saying this to him.  I am venting here so you can all tell me how wrong I am.  There is no tension.  Yes, it bugs me that a 17 year old boy has compromised and declining health due to weight.  And it bugs me that people say his choices aren't related to that. 

[Mergath]

2 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

 

It is wildly, stupidly, over-the-line inappropriate. I keep hoping the mods will shut it down but, no, it keeps happening at regular intervals.

 

I thought when I started reading it was a zombie thread, because surely we can't be doing this again. But alas, no.

I wish a mod would go through and delete all these threads. The cruelty toward the poor stepson is staggering, when you look at it cumulatively. 

[PinkTulip]

I have 4 teenage boys who are all swimmers, very slim, like 6’ 125 pounds. We go through a minimum of 8 gallons a week, sometimes closer to 10. So in my house, a teenage boy drinking an entire gallon of milk in a day is perfectly normal. I have always loved milk, and drink probably 36 oz. of it daily myself, counting cereal and glasses of milk with meals. Everyone is different, there is not a right or wrong answer here! 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

 

It is wildly, stupidly, over-the-line inappropriate. I keep hoping the mods will shut it down but, no, it keeps happening at regular intervals.

I don't know who you think you are, but I am just a step mom venting my frustrations.  If you think I have violated some TOS please feel free to report me.   

[Bootsie]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

My son is hungry.  He just doesn't realize it.  I sometimes have to tell him he needs to eat because he Is cranky. 

IME a boy in his upper teens who is hungry, doesn't realize it, and needs his mother to tell him that he needs to eat is less normal than a teen who can drink a gallon of milk in 24 hours.  

[Catwoman]

Just now, Scarlett said:

My son is hungry.  He just doesn't realize it.  I sometimes have to tell him he needs to eat because he Is cranky. 

I compare because I have them both! How can I not. 

 

But that’s the point right there, Scarlett!  I know what it’s like to be like your son. I’m the same way. And it’s easy to stay slim when you don’t consciously feel hungry. But I have a close friend who told me that she has trouble losing weight because she thinks about what she’s going to have for breakfast when she is getting ready to go to sleep at night, and while she’s making breakfast she is already thinking about snacks and lunch, and then she’s thinking of dinner and dessert. She said she thinks about food almost all the time. And it’s awful because she feels guilty about it. She feels weak because she keeps thinking about the food and she feels guilty when she overeats or makes poor food choices.

Think about that. Think about how hard it must be for your stepson to always feel hungry, yet also feel awful about being 100 pounds overweight, and feel guilty about thinking he doesn’t have enough willpower. Your son doesn’t have those cravings. I’ll bet you don’t have them, either. And that’s why you can’t keep comparing your son and your stepson, and it’s why you can’t understand what your stepson is feeling and why losing weight is such a terrible struggle for him.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Mergath said:

 

I thought when I started reading it was a zombie thread, because surely we can't be doing this again. But alas, no.

I wish a mod would go through and delete all these threads. The cruelty toward the poor stepson is staggering, when you look at it cumulatively. 

If you think I am violating a TOS report me.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, jdahlquist said:

IME a boy in his upper teens who is hungry, doesn't realize it, and needs his mother to tell him that he needs to eat is less normal than a teen who can drink a gallon of milk in 24 hours.  

Whatever. At least he isnt on high blood pressure meds.  

 

[Mergath]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Note:. I am not saying this to him.  I am venting here so you can all tell me how wrong I am.  There is no tension.  Yes, it bugs me that a 17 year old boy has compromised and declining health due to weight.  And it bugs me that people say his choices aren't related to that. 

 

It bugs you that your perfect, wonderful bio son has to be inconvenienced by breathing the same air as your stepson. By the way, be sure to tell us a few hundred more times that he's obese, just in case anyone missed it. And if you think your stepson doesn't know you feel that way even if you don't say it out loud, you're deluding yourself. You need professional help on this one. 

[Sneezyone]

1 minute ago, Arctic Mama said:

Because you love them, and so you need to actively stop yourself and just acknowledge they are different, it’s okay, and onward.  I don’t sit there comparing all my kids to one another every time one of them meets or doesn’t meet some standard in my head.  That’s sick, and it’s not particularly hard to gently shut the mental door on thought spike that if they pop up.

 

Do you really think me or Martha or whoever else actually mentally catalogue and compare our kids?  One of the most valuable lessons I was given as soon as I had more than one was how destructive and ruinous that was to the psyches of my children. Observing and responding to each in a loving way is good,  Comparing and judging or criticizing based on what you think one lacks is very, very bad.  And avoidable.  I promise.

 

OP really should take this good advice (but she won’t if history is any guide).

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

But that’s the point right there, Scarlett!  I know what it’s like to be like your son. I’m the same way. And it’s easy to stay slim when you don’t consciously feel hungry. But I have a close friend who told me that she has trouble losing weight because she thinks about what she’s going to have for breakfast when she is getting ready to go to sleep at night, and while she’s making breakfast she is already thinking about snacks and lunch, and then she’s thinking of dinner and dessert. She said she thinks about food almost all the time. And it’s awful because she feels guilty about it. She feels weak because she keeps thinking about the food and she feels guilty when she overeats or makes poor food choices.

Think about that. Think about how hard it must be for your stepson to always feel hungry, yet also feel awful about being 100 pounds overweight, and feel guilty about thinking he doesn’t have enough willpower. Your son doesn’t have those cravings. I’ll bet you don’t have them, either. And that’s why you can’t keep comparing your son and your stepson, and it’s why you can’t understand what your stepson is feeling and why losing weight is such a terrible struggle for him.

Thanks Cat.  I do acknowledge that obviously something is different.  But it doesn't change  the fact he needs to do something for himself. 

[Rosie_0801]

I'm surprised anyone who isn't either breastfeeding or on a road trip through the desert in summer can consume a gallon of water, let alone anything else.

Anyway, I'd recommend keeping a box of UHT milk in the back of the pantry for cooking emergencies.

[maize]

Scarlett, do you think you son puts more effort into self restraint around food than your step son does?

[Murphy101]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

My son is hungry.  He just doesn't realize it.  I sometimes have to tell him he needs to eat because he Is cranky. 

I compare because I have them both! How can I not. 

 

I have more than one friend.  I don't compare them.

Some of them have husbands, I don't compare them to mine.

I have 11 children.  They are individuals and I do not compare them.  Because it doesn't matter what the coulda woulda shoulda be is, if they are or are not, they need me to love them where and how they are. Not where or how their sibling is or was at their age or how I was or their father was or the other kids we know are or whatever might be normal.

NO ONE needs that comparison at home. They do it enough in their own heads.

We don't need anyone we love and who loves us to tell us how stupid our choices are or how fat we are or what we need to do to compare better to how we should be.  We don't need it because the entire world is primed and waiting to beat us and our children's hearts and souls to crap.  For the love of God, let our family be our respite from the beatings of the world and the fickleness of life.

[Catwoman]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Note:. I am not saying this to him.  I am venting here so you can all tell me how wrong I am.  There is no tension.  Yes, it bugs me that a 17 year old boy has compromised and declining health due to weight.  And it bugs me that people say his choices aren't related to that. 

 

But if you’re having your dh talk to your stepson about the milk, clearly there is some tension. The kid has to know that you were upset about the milk. I know you’re trying to hide your feelings from him, but this has been going on for years, and it’s hard to believe you’re such a good actress that your frustration and worry aren’t obvious to him. 

I know you’re worried about his health, and rightfully so. But whatever you’re doing isn’t working. He hasn’t lost the weight. I think the suggestions for an outside counselor are on the right track. Let someone else try to help him so you can just love him and support him and be there for him when he needs to talk.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, maize said:

Scarlett, do you think you son puts more effort into self restraint around food than your step son does?

My son has to focus on eating high calorie foods to keep his weight up.  So of course he doesn't have to restrain himself.  He has to force himself to eat.   

[Tsuga]

Well I thought this thread was going to be about milk and I also share a home with big milk drinkers* and I can't really get over how much milk they drink because to me it's gross to drink milk from a cup.

However, reading this, I'm a little depressed.

Scarlett... when teens and kids are morbidly obese from a medical standpoint, it's really not about choices, it's about a whole lot of other stuff. Some medical, some psychological. A lot of people eat from stress. Or starve themselves from stress. He is a child. From an executive functioning standpoint, he is really not in a position to overcome what many highly motivated, well-resourced and extremely strong and talented adults cannot overcome (think Oprah, other celebs who are clearly strong, intelligent, and motivated who need surgery to reset their appetites and use professional trainers and cooks to stay even near a normal weight).

If your kid is overeating, keep healthy food in the house, tons of fruits and vegetables, and arrange lots of fun activities that aren't around food. But you must realize that at 17 he is in an incredibly hard situation. He is burdened with all the bad habits and parental choices from years past but doesn't have the adult executive functioning to get past the psychological causes for overeating, or health reasons he's so prone to gain. And then the executive functioning just isn't there.

You're not being fair to the kid. Yeah, a gallon of milk is expensive, but let it go unless you need to make it clear that he should save milk for others (which is fair enough). Let his weight go. That's his burden. Provide healthy food and healthy activities and show love. It has to be his journey.

*For the record, since apparently this is an issue in the thread, all slim, as in <50th percentile for weight for their height.

[Mergath]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

My son has to focus on eating high calorie foods to keep his weight up.  So of course he doesn't have to restrain himself.  He has to force himself to eat.   

 

So your son's sluggish appetite is a medical problem against which he struggles valiantly, while your stepson's overactive appetite is because he's a lazy fatass who eats too much.

And you don't see any hypocrisy in feeling that way. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Murphy101 said:

 

I have more than one friend.  I don't compare them.

Some of them have husbands, I don't compare them to mine.

I have 11 children.  They are individuals and I do not compare them.  Because it doesn't matter what the coulda woulda shoulda be is, if they are or are not, they need me to love them where and how they are. Not where or how their sibling is or was at their age or how I was or their father was or the other kids we know are or whatever might be normal.

NO ONE needs that comparison at home. They do it enough in their own heads.

We don't need anyone we love and who loves us to tell us how stupid our choices are or how fat we are or what we need to do to compare better to how we should be.  We don't need it because the entire world is primed and waiting to beat us and our children's hearts and souls to crap.  For the love of God, let our family be our respite from the beatings of the world and the fickleness of life.

When you get one to raise you didnt birth or raise let me know how you handle it.  It isn't easy.  Contrary to a few haters opinion, I dont hate him....I care for him.  I hate to see him on HBP meds since age 16.  I hate to see him suffer socially.   I hate to see him struggle with his clothes.   It I don't hate him.  I want what is best for him.   So if I am just suppose to accept this situation......well I guess I will, but I struggle with it.  

[Bootsie]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

My son has to focus on eating high calorie foods to keep his weight up.  So of course he doesn't have to restrain himself.  He has to force himself to eat.   

Maybe I am reading more into your posts than I should but it appears that if one teen eats more than he should, it is seen as a lack of self-control and abnormal and a measure of his character.  However, if another teen eats less than he should (without your reminder) it is not an indication of his level of self-control and is not considered abnormal or a measure of his character.  

[Catwoman]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Thanks Cat.  I do acknowledge that obviously something is different.  But it doesn't change  the fact he needs to do something for himself. 

 

I agree. But read what you wrote. HE has to do something for HIMSELF. You can’t do it for him. You can’t force him to make healthy choices. You have provided him with resources and information. You stock the house with healthy foods. Beyond that, there’s not much you can do. He’s not a little kid who’s always at home with you so you can regulate what he eats, so unfortunately, you’re stuck in a helpless position. I know it’s hard to see him so unhealthy, but really, at this point there is nothing you can do about it. He has to make his own choices.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Mergath said:

 

So your son's sluggish appetite is a medical problem against which he struggles valiantly, while your stepson's overactive appetite is because he's a lazy fatass who eats too much.

And you don't see any hypocrisy in feeling that way. 

Please note Mergath, I never called my SS lazy. I never called him a fatass.  And also my son doesn't have an medical problem.  At all. So stop button pushing. 

[Murphy101]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Whatever. At least he isnt on high blood pressure meds.  

 

 

While we joke in our house that hangry (angry due to hunger) is a very real thing, why do you not get pissed that your bio son is being a pita cranky pants because he can't get his act together and just eat right?  Why is his eating habits not a moral/intelligence issue even though it affects his health (not keeping weight) and relationships (crankiness is not helpful to relationship building usually)?

Why do you not have to bite your tongue over reminding him yet again to eat so he isn't cranky and can gain/keep weight?

 

[maize]

10 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

My son has to focus on eating high calorie foods to keep his weight up.  So of course he doesn't have to restrain himself.  He has to force himself to eat.   

 

So...what do you think your son is doing wrong to not have a normal appetite for food?

Do you spend a lot of time analyzing his behavior to pinpoint his bad choices that are leading to this health problem?

It is certainly not normal for a teenage boy to have to force himself to eat; it must be his fault that his appetite is off so badly.

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, jdahlquist said:

Maybe I am reading more into your posts than I should but it appears that if one teen eats more than he should, it is seen as a lack of self-control and abnormal and a measure of his character.  However, if another teen eats less than he should (without your reminder) it is not an indication of his level of self-control and is not considered abnormal or a measure of his character.  

You are reading more than you should into my posts.  I never said my step sons weight is some measure of his character.  My son isn't medically fragile.  Or anorexic.  He might forget to eat and get crabby and I say hey have a sandwich.  

[Mergath]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Please note Mergath, I never called my SS lazy. I never called him a fatass.  And also my son doesn't have an medical problem.  At all. So stop button pushing. 

 

Really? You know all your other posts on this same topic still exist, right? 

And yeah, struggling to maintain weight to the extent that your mom loses her sh*t when someone drinks all the milk is most certainly a medical problem.

[maize]

I don't think you hate your step son. 

I think you genuinely care.

But you also judge him; constantly. And you don't understand the complexities of obesity.

You really do need to stop judging. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

While we joke in our house that hangry (angry due to hunger) is a very real thing, why do you not get pissed that your bio son is being a pita cranky pants because he can't get his act together and just eat right?  Why is his eating habits not a moral/intelligence issue even though it affects his health (not keeping weight) and relationships (crankiness is not helpful to relationship building usually)?

Why do you not have to bite your tongue over reminding him yet again to eat so he isn't cranky and can gain/keep weight?

 

I don't bite my tongue.  I say, 'grow up son and remember to eat for God's sake so that you don't cause misery for those around you.' . I get very pissed that a 18 year old can't remember to eat.  But I am not allowed, apparently, to get pissed at the 17 year old who over eats himself into a state where his health is in serious danger.  

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Only one milk drinker in my house and a gallon rarely lasts more than 24 hours.

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Mergath said:

 

Really? You know all your other posts on this same topic still exist, right? 

And yeah, struggling to maintain weight to the extent that your mom loses her sh*t when someone drinks all the milk is most certainly a medical problem.

Yes.  I am aware my posts exist.  I am aware I have never called him lazy or fatass.   

And I have no idea what you mean by me losing my shit.  I have said nothing to anyone except an anonymous message board and a sentence to my Dh. You are very dramatic.  

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, maize said:

I don't think you hate your step son. 

I think you genuinely care.

But you also judge him; constantly. And you don't understand the complexities of obesity.

You really do need to stop judging. 

I would like to.  I really would.  I have just nver dealt with this and find it very difficult.  

[Murphy101]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I don't bite my tongue.  I say, 'grow up son and remember to eat for God's sake so that you don't cause misery for those around you.' . I get very pissed that a 18 year old can't remember to eat.  But I am not allowed, apparently, to get pissed at the 17 year old who over eats himself into a state where his health is in serious danger.  

 

Well to be fair, I would say you aren't allowed to get pissed at either one of them.

What's the point of it?  It certainly isn't helpful to either kids or your household in general.

[Tsuga]

14 minutes ago, maize said:

 

It is certainly not normal for a teenage boy to have to force himself to eat; it must be his fault that his appetite is off so badly.

 

I see where you are going with that but the idea that her son could be at fault isn't going to even come close to entering Scarlett's mind. The sense of unfairness is never going to hit her. It's clear as day to many of you but I honestly don't think she's capable of seeing that her stepson is also a child who just needs the same total acceptance that her son has, because she is unable to see how utterly in love with her own son she is.

12 minutes ago, Mergath said:

 

Really? You know all your other posts on this same topic still exist, right? 

And yeah, struggling to maintain weight to the extent that your mom loses her sh*t when someone drinks all the milk is most certainly a medical problem.

 

To be fair, it's not really about the milk, is it? It's about the fact that she has a kid in her house whose habits are foreign to her and uncontrollable. I know how hard it is now, as a stepparent, to deal with that issue. Because with your own kids you're like "oh yeah that's how they are" but with stepkids you have to work SUPER HARD to see their little foibles in the same way; it certainly never helps that your partner's ex is likely not highly regarded by your partner.

But yeah, you have to do that Scarlett. My challenge to you is to bust your butt to see this kid as a victim of his mom's parenting, his dad's parenting, and your difficulty understanding him, and approach it 100% from that angle. A 17 year old does not want to binge eat. They don't. That is coming from a really sad place. 

In addition, food scarcity makes people binge eat more than food plenty does, so... if you really care, seriously, LET IT GO.

[maize]

I don't think you need to be obese yourself in order to research the medical science related to obesity. 

You do need to let go of the idea that your step son could just decide to start eating the way your son does and bingo he would lose weight.

Go to Google scholar and start reading. 

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, maize said:

 

So...what do you think your son is doing wrong to not have a normal appetite for food?

Do you spend a lot of time analyzing his behavior to pinpoint his bad choices that are leading to this health problem?

It is certainly not normal for a teenage boy to have to force himself to eat; it must be his fault that his appetite is off so badly.

I think his appetite is normal except when he gets busy and forgets to eat.  If that is a problem and abnormal it has very small consequences.  

[Tsuga]

1 minute ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Well to be fair, I would say you aren't allowed to get pissed at either one of them.

What's the point of it?  It certainly isn't helpful to either kids or your household in general.

You aren't allowed to feel anger towards others in your household?

Pass the Prozac and weed folks, I'm done, lol.

Perhaps you meant something different... clarification would probably help.

[TechWife]

25 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Whatever. At least he isnt on high blood pressure meds.  

 

Let me tell you something - my husband is extremely healthy. He runs upwards of 30 miles each week. Every Saturday he runs a 1/2 marathon. He is not overweight. He takes both blood pressure medicine and cholesterol medicine because both his blood pressure and cholesterol are high. It is genetic His mother died at the age of 63. His older brothers have already died - one just a few days short of his 50th birthday, the other at the age of 60. My husband is 50, almost 51 and is already older than one of his brothers will ever be. So, stop judging people on whether or not they take medication. When choosing between medication and death, the decision is fairly straightforward. Also, please don't say your stepson is on medication because he is overweight, because the truth is, you have no idea whether or not that is true.

[Murphy101]

Just now, Tsuga said:

You aren't allowed to feel anger towards others in your household?

Pass the Prozac and weed folks, I'm done, lol.

Perhaps you meant something different... clarification would probably help.

 

Out of context.  I said I didn't think she should get mad because one eats or because one forgets.  Because I see no point to that.

And because yeah, our kids will give us plenty of other crap to get pissed about.  Unfortunately.  Best to conserve our anger energy for bigger issues.

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Tsuga said:

 

I see where you are going with but the idea that her son could be at fault isn't going to even come close to entering Scarlett's mind. The sense of unfairness is never going to hit her. It's clear as day to many of you but I honestly don't think she's capable of seeing that her stepson is also a child who just needs the same total acceptance that her son has, because she is unable to see how utterly in love with her own son she is.

 

To be fair, it's not really about the milk, is it? It's about the fact that she has a kid in her house whose habits are foreign to her and uncontrollable. I know how hard it is now, as a stepparent, to deal with that issue. Because with your own kids you're like "oh yeah that's how they are" but with stepkids you have to work SUPER HARD to see their little foibles in the same way; it certainly never helps that your partner's ex is likely not highly regarded in the situation.

But yeah, you have to do that Scarlett. My challenge to you is to bust your butt to see this kid as a victim of his mom's parenting, his dad's parenting, and your difficulty understanding him, and approach it 100% from that angle. A 17 year old does not want to binge eat. They don't. That is coming from a really sad place. 

In addition, food scarcity makes people binge eat more than food plenty does, so... if you really care, seriously, LET IT GO.

You think I don't know I love my own son?  I was 35 when he was born....I endured a mostly bad 16 year marriage before he was born and my son has been the joy of my life.  

I do care deeply for my step son.  I am good to him. I do a lot for him. I advocated HARD for him to come  live with us because I thought it was the best place for him.  The weight issue is HARD for me.  I DONTunderstand it.  From a far I can get it......some people have a hard time....but when I am living it and seeing the amount of food and drink he puts away and the weight he needs to lose and the high blood pressure that scares me.....I go weeks, months at a time just pushing it out of my mind, but sometimes I am just confronted by the absurdity of something like a gallon of milk in a day and I come here to vent.  

So shoot me. 

[laundrycrisis]

42 minutes ago, maize said:

If one's body is urgently signaling hunger all day long it is difficult and miserable to not eat/drink.

Try to imagine the hungriest you have ever felt and then imagine that that is how you feel all day every day. That may be a decent approximation of what your step son experiences.

Urgent hunger for food that isn’t needed really sucks. It’s hard to ignore, very distracting,and shadows everything. I would love to be able to just turn it off. 

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, TechWife said:

Let me tell you something - my husband is extremely healthy. He runs upwards of 30 miles each week. Every Saturday he runs a 1/2 marathon. He is not overweight. He takes both blood pressure medicine and cholesterol medicine because both his blood pressure and cholesterol are high. It is genetic His mother died at the age of 63. His older brothers have already died - one just a few days short of his 50th birthday, the other at the age of 60. My husband is 50, almost 51 and is already older than one of his brothers will ever be. So, stop judging people on whether or not they take medication. When choosing between medication and death, the decision is fairly straightforward. Also, please don't say your stepson is on medication because he is overweight, because the truth is, you have no idea whether or not that is true.

I have more of an idea than you do since the doctor said that is the reason.  

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, StellaM said:

I find it super annoying when anyone uses all the milk without telling me in a timely manner so I can pick up more (UHT is dreadful stuff and I won't drink it).

Do you buy lite milk, Scarlett ? We accidentally bought full fat the other week and it was like drinking cream. Skim instead ?

You could always put some in a jug labelled DON'T DRINK -COOKING!!! 

Really it is just a side annoyance. I am sure everyone with teen boys finds missing ingredients when it comes time to cook. 

[maize]

17 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I would like to.  I really would.  I have just nver dealt with this and find it very difficult.  

It is difficult to understand things that are outside our experience. Acknowledging that is a good first step.

You don't understand. Based on your experience you can't understand. Therefor you need to let go of all your assumptions because they are coming from a place of ignorance.

I know something of how this feels. You may know from other posts on these boards that I am married to someone who struggles with chronic mental illness. My personal experience of life and moods gives me no reference point for dealing with this; I'm laid back and cheerful by nature 99% of the time. It feels to me like a person should be able to just choose to not be anxious or grouchy or depressed--such unhelpful moods! Can't they see life is good? Just decide to smile.

Obviously my experience is not in any way relevant to that of a person experiencing clinical depression. So...I can't rely on my experience. I read and study and try as best I can to understand what it is that my Dh is experiencing and what I can or can't do to support him. Mostly that has meant helping him access professional help and just continuing to love him.

I think you can do these things for your step son.

[Tsuga]

3 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Out of context.  I said I didn't think she should get mad because one eats or because one forgets.  Because I see no point to that.

And because yeah, our kids will give us plenty of other crap to get pissed about.  Unfortunately.  Best to conserve our anger energy for bigger issues.

Re: Context: Your post was very short so I didn't include the subject of her anger, however I don't think that's important.

Food is important to her (obviously) as is weight. Scarlett is associating being 100 lbs overweight at 17, which is indeed a problem, with an important health issue. I think she's conflating his everyday eating with the reason he eats in the first place, but to her this is a big issue.

We all have hang-ups. Anyway, I accept the anger... I don't accept the faux concern trolling when it's not about his health, it's about control and cultural association and family bonds.