Difficult to hold my tongue

[catz]

Amber is 100% on the right track here.  Over the years again and again from the time this DSS was a tween and crying all the time it has been suggested on this board to get him and all of you into a family counseling situation.  Has that ever happened?  The tone in those first posts about this boy was that he was manipulating his father.  I have a feeling this poor kid has a lot of baggage he is carrying every day he hasn't processed.  I do suspect something like OA could be helpful to him both emotionally and physically but he is almost an adult now and you can't force anymore.  

Really, if you are uninterested in this type of advice just cease and desist from posting about it.  

[Kassia]

9 minutes ago, Amber in SJ said:

 

So here are my recommendations. 

 

Amazing post.  Thank you so much.  I have had food issues and disordered eating since I was a child and you are spot on.

[SanDiegoMom]

I haven't read many of the replies, but I do agree with the suggestion of counseling. All I can bring is my own experience a a bulimic -- I ate to drown my feelings of low self -esteem and inadequacy and anytime I got caught eating or drinking too much my mom would make a snarky comment that just increased by feelings of self-hate. If he's not feeling that, great. Because a kid who is 100 pounds overweight is still better than one who is sneaking out to buy cakes and ice cream and pies, then throwing them up and then cutting and burning themselves and contemplating suicide. And all of the judgmental comments, the snark, the looks, all of it just contributed to self hatred. Even though I was 20 pounds underweight on the outside I felt 100 pounds overweight on the inside and just plain worthless. But talking to me, you wouldn't know. I put up a good front and hid the scars.  

If that's not happening, great. But you can't know what's going on in someone's head or any of the pain they might be hiding. 

And believe me, having the perfect older sister who could do no wrong didn't help one bit.   

[unsinkable]

47 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

then why ask us?  You obviously have it all figured out and just accuse us of projecting when we try to offer help.  

I'm not Scarlett...But maybe she has no one to turn to IRL? And she really just needed to say something, somewhere bc she really doesn't want to say it to her son? 

IDK...I feel awful for everyone involved. 

The following is Not directed to you, Dawn...

Wasn't there another thread about watching people make poor food choices recently and it being hard not to say anything? Not by Scarlett?

[Scarlett]

57 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

 

The bolded is why people think he's not happy. You're the one who said those words. I don't know what the truth is, but I do know that your confusion on this matter is something that we can't address here.

 Obviously his weight is a problem. And I don’t know when I posted that about socially but he has adjusted now quite well to living here. We all have things we have to deal with in life. But overall he does seem very happy and content. It is good that I post these things and let you guys remind me of how he was because he really is doing well 

[DawnM]

2 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

I'm not Scarlett...But maybe she has no one to turn to IRL? And she really just needed to say something, somewhere bc she really doesn't want to say it to her son? 

IDK...I feel awful for everyone involved. 

The following is Not directed to you, Dawn...

Wasn't there another thread about watching people make poor food choices recently and it being hard not to say anything? Not by Scarlett?

 

My comment was more directed at the "you are all projecting your own issues onto me" than anything else.  And she implied everything was all of a sudden perfect, so that also promoted my question.

[Tanaqui]

You posted it approximately 30 hours ago, Scarlett, in this thread. Did you forget? 

I don't know what the situation is, but I know your perception is unclear. This is something you should speak to a counselor about.

Quote

Yes I hyperfocus in an incident and it gets discussed here for long after it is over in our house.

 

Your hyperfocus around your stepson's incidents is another thing to bring up in family therapy. We cannot be your therapists.

[Scarlett]

 No I did not say everything is perfect for the kid. He obviously has a problem with his weight. I believe wait can we put on from emotional eating and then it is very difficult to break the cycle.  It is true he could be hiding that he is miserable inside but if he is then that is on him. I’m just saying that I probably can gauge his overall contentment level better than you guys can. 

Not everyone who is overweight have some deep-seated psychological reasons for being that way. I have read hundreds of times on this side about people who just have the genetics that make it difficult for them to stay a healthy weight. I did talk to my husband last night about that place in Oklahoma City for morbidly obese teens. We have not had a lot of time to look into it yet.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Tanaqui said:

You posted it approximately 30 hours ago, Scarlett, in this thread. Did you forget? 

I don't know what the situation is, but I know your perception is unclear. This is something you should speak to a counselor about.

 

Your hyperfocus around your stepson's incidents is another thing to bring up in family therapy. We cannot be your therapists.

 No one’s asking you to be my therapist. Feel free to stop posting to me. I don’t think I need a therapist. Except maybe to figure out why I keep punishing myself by posting on this board. I do try to not talk about my boys to in real life friends, and that is probably the reason I post here. Obviously I need to stop. 

[Tanaqui]

Well, you're right about that, Scarlett. You need to stop. Whatever help you need, you're not getting it here and haven't been for a while.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

You posted it approximately 30 hours ago, Scarlett, in this thread. Did you forget? 

Actually I did forget. I see i posted that after midnight.  But in that context what I was talking about was his unhappiness with being overweight. Yes he is unhappy about that. Yes he does struggle with clothes. I do think he is very unhappy about being overweight but as has been mentioned by many people here only he can fix that. My comment was that he is not overweight because he is unhappy as has been suggested strongly buy some . 

[Scarlett]

Just now, Tanaqui said:

Well, you're right about that, Scarlett. You need to stop. Whatever help you need, you're not getting it here and haven't been for a while.

 Let me be the judge of what is a benefit to me. Some people have been very encouraging and helpful to me. Some have given me excellent links that I have followed up on.Some people have been very encouraging and helpful to me. Some have given me excellent links that I have followed up on.

[Scarlett]

51 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

But Scarlett, how can the poor guy be 100 pounds overweight and not be upset about it in the least? He sounds like a bright young man, so I’m sure the high blood pressure scares him, as well.

Let’s face it, people can hide their emotions. Look at how you say you’re able to hide your feelings from your stepson about his weight, yet you are obviously very worried and upset about it. Just because your stepson acts happy-go-lucky, it doesn’t mean he’s not secretly worried about things. And maybe he doesn’t mention his weight very often because he’s scared he won’t be able to do the things he needs to do to slim down. It can’t be easy for him to have a slim and attractive stepbrother who can eat anything he wants and never gain an ounce. You compare the two boys, even if you don’t tell them about it — do you really believe your stepson isn’t doing the same thIng without admitting it to you?

I think you should seriously consider the suggestions about looking into Overeaters Anonymous.

To be clear, of course I think he is upset about being 100 pounds overweight. But I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma. In my mind there is a big differenceTo be clear, of course I think he is upset about being 100 pounds overweight. But I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma. In my mind there is a big difference

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Actually I did forget. I see i posted that after midnight.  But in that context what I was talking about was his unhappiness with being overweight. Yes he is unhappy about that. Yes he does struggle with clothes. I do think he is very unhappy about being overweight but as has been mentioned by many people here only he can fix that. My comment was that he is not overweight because he is unhappy as has been suggested strongly buy some . 

 

Could he have originally become overweight because he WAS unhappy, and now he doesn’t know how to fix it?

I know he had some rough times when your dh and his mom split up and during the early years of your marriage. It’s not easy to bounce back after all that stress and upheaval, and he’s still only 17.

[Bootsie]

17 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Obviously we have to now tell him, meat in the freezer  ( which is not in the house btw) is off limits.  I do make menus.  I have no idea why he thought it would be OK to go get steaks from the freezer for his lunch.  I mean sure steak sounds better than tuna fish or eggs or salad......but we just can't afford that.  

Would it be helpful to have more specific menus?  For example, it does not sound like "omelette with fruit" (or something else) was on the menu for the past two lunches and that he ignored the menu and fixed something else.  It sounds as if he went looking for something to fix for lunch and did not fix one of the things that you would have found appropriate.  That may be because you did not know he was going to be home for lunch.  If schedules are not predictable for who will be home for lunch, perhaps a list of "Lunch Possibilities" that has 3 quick-to-fix lunch options.  

I wonder if he was really wanting steak and went looking for it.  Maybe he just likes it, maybe they are learning about cooking steak in culinary arts school and he was interested in trying something, maybe he wasn't seeing something else to it and just went searching.  It is interesting that he got 2 out to defrost, and not just one for one day.  

I can't speak to tuna fish because I am allergic to it (and DH says much to my kids' detriment) never have it in the house.  A salad for lunch would not fill up my teen son unless it contained a significant source of protein.  Three eggs with a plate of hash browns and some fruit would (on some days--others he would still ask for more food).  But, if he were looking in the fridge and saw "an egg" that would not look like a meal to him.  He can easily eat twice the calories I eat in a day (and is very trim).  I have to think very differently about what I need on hand for him for lunch versus what I need on hand for myself.  

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

Could he have originally become overweight because he WAS unhappy, and now he doesn’t know how to fix it?

I know he had some rough times when your dh and his mom split up and during the early years of your marriage. It’s not easy to bounce back after all that stress and upheaval, and he’s still only 17.

 Yes. This is exactly what I feel has happened. In addition, he was on some medication for a couple of years that I feel could have contributed to his weight gain. So it is rather complicated and I agree he probably is going to have a tough time with it. I just don’t think that translates to he is a deeply unhappy miserable person 

[DawnM]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

To be clear, of course I think he is upset about being 100 pounds overweight. But I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma. In my mind there is a big differenceTo be clear, of course I think he is upset about being 100 pounds overweight. But I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma. In my mind there is a big difference

 

Having to live in two households with a mother who has deep issues (which you have implied in the past) IS trauma.  

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

To be clear, of course I think he is upset about being 100 pounds overweight. But I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma. In my mind there is a big differenceTo be clear, of course I think he is upset about being 100 pounds overweight. But I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma. In my mind there is a big difference

 

But he HAS been through tremendous psychological trauma and unhappiness. That poor kid has not had an easy life. His mother sounds like a real piece of work, and even though you have done your best to provide a stable and happy home for him, his earlier heartbreaks and worries haven’t just disappeared from his mind. 

I think you’re seriously underestimating the long term impact of your stepson’s childhood and early teen years.

[Bluegoat]

15 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well, yes.  Dh talked to him today......tried to brainstorm foods to buy dss that will,satisfy the hunger he has.  I think the fact he has mostly cut out bread and sweets has him craving the milk.  The other thing that happened is that Ds took 2 steaks out of the freezer yesterday and cook one  for himself yesterday for lunch and today for lunch.  That just can't happen.  We can barely afford meat as it is so one person getting steak for lunch two days in a row is just nuts.   I think he must be/feel starving. We gotta find some food to help him feel full. 

 

Just a thought but low fat milk may not be doing him any good here as it won't satiate him.  I's kind of like sugary water.  Full fat milk is a lot more likely to be satisfying, and the same is going to be true with other foods.  Something like fish or even beans is healthy, but it can tend to leave you hungry before long if there is no fat with it.  Meat does tend to have the advantage of being high protein and having some fat content so that it can be satisfying, maybe finding something less expensive than steak might be something to think about.

[HomeAgain]

20 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

To be clear, of course I think he is upset about being 100 pounds overweight. But I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma. In my mind there is a big differenceTo be clear, of course I think he is upset about being 100 pounds overweight. But I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma. In my mind there is a big difference

People are not fat because they want to be fat. Really think about that statement for a minute.  You are implying that your stepson wants to be fat.

There are roughly 10 main causes of obesity.  Most of them link back to medical or psychological issues.

And if you insist that a teen boy is happy and content, during his teen years when most of us go through growing pains and hormonal shifts and large periods of awkwardness, I don't think you're being honest with yourself at all.

[Tanaqui]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Actually I did forget. I see i posted that after midnight.  But in that context what I was talking about was his unhappiness with being overweight. Yes he is unhappy about that. Yes he does struggle with clothes. I do think he is very unhappy about being overweight but as has been mentioned by many people here only he can fix that. My comment was that he is not overweight because he is unhappy as has been suggested strongly buy some . 

 

You said in that comment he had social difficulties. Now you say he has lots of friends. It cannot be both ways. It doesn't matter what the context is, it cannot be both ways. Either he is struggling socially, enough so that you cannot help but worry, or he isn't. Which is it? And when you've determined which it is - why did you say it was the other way?

Quote

I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma.

 

Are you saying that he didn't suffer trauma from his somewhat chaotic homelife before he came to stay with you, nor from the upheaval of leaving his mother's home?

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

To be clear, of course I think he is upset about being 100 pounds overweight. But I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma. In my mind there is a big differenceTo be clear, of course I think he is upset about being 100 pounds overweight. But I do not think he is 100 pounds overweight because of some deep-seated psychological and happiness or trauma. In my mind there is a big difference

 

Sorry I’m responding twice to the same post, but I’m wondering why you think he is 100 pounds overweight. I’m not trying to pick on you; I’m just trying to understand your thoughts about this, because you don’t seem to think the cause is psychological or emotional.

[goldberry]

Something my DD deals with in her relationship is that she gets upset about certain things and thinks she has solved them by not acting out about it (not giving her fiance a hard time, or being overly critical, etc.)  And that is a great first step.  Like Scarlett not saying things to her stepson that she knows will upset or be destructive for him.  But it's not the end goal, and it doesn't "solve it.".

The next step is actually letting go of those feelings or resolving them or getting to the root of them (whatever is most appropriate).  Scarlett, you do seem to have some feelings that don't seem healthy to the situation.  The comparing of your two sons, and the level of agitation you feel about the weight issue and eating habits don't seem appropriate as just an "I'm just worried about his health issues" response. Sometimes it seems like you are wanting someone to tell you that your level of agitation about this is normal and healthy, but you might start to consider why many people don't think it is.  It sounds like you are doing awesome in not venting out those feelings in unhelpful ways, which is a good thing.  But the next step is maybe being willing to look at your own feelings honestly and start thinking about where they are coming from and if they are coming from a healthy place.  Because just not venting them out unhelpfully is good, but won't solve the problem alone, if the feelings are still there and still build up.  

[freesia]

Scarlett,

Deep breath.  This is a gallon of lowfat milk, not coke or slurpee.  It is healthy food.

You cannot control what your sds eats (or anyone else over like 6 months).  Please do hold your tongue. In fact, if you say anything, commending him on a healthy food choice would be the right choice.

He needs to hear positive things about his eating from you.

Teen boys often do eat a lot of food--like a medium pizza before dinner amount.  My ds13 said after dinner last week that he could still eat 2 hamburgers and a hot dog if they were available.(And he is normal weight)

Your sds does need to figure out how to eat the amount that works for his health goals. his health goals.

I guarantee you 100% that if you, as a parent figure in my life, criticized me drinking lowfat milk I would have just been like--forget this and eaten the gallon of ice cream I really wanted to eat instead.

You have got to get your emotions detached from this.  He has been to the doctor it is his choice what to do.   He needs you to just, only love him and encourage him in all ways.  He is raised.

[Corraleno]

5 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 No I did not say everything is perfect for the kid. He obviously has a problem with his weight. I believe wait can we put on from emotional eating and then it is very difficult to break the cycle.  It is true he could be hiding that he is miserable inside but if he is then that is on him. I’m just saying that I probably can gauge his overall contentment level better than you guys can. 

So if he's struggling to deal with emotional pain as a result of a chaotic and dysfunctional childhood, that's 100% his business and it's "on him" to figure it out and fix it. But his weight is totally your business, to the point that you have been obsessed with "fixing it" for years. 

Every single thread you have ever posted about this kid says the same thing: "Oh, there's absolutely nothing wrong with him medically or psychologically, he's just fat because he eats too much. My son isn't fat because he never overeats, so why won't SS just choose to stop eating so much???" 

You insist that it's a choice, not psychological or medical, but then refuse to accept that his "choice" may be to just accept that he's overweight for now. It drives you crazy that you can't find a way to force him into making the choice that you want him to make.

If you are repulsed by the idea of obesity, then do whatever it takes to make sure that your body is not obese. What your adult SS does with his body is not your choice and none of your business. How much you love him or care about him is irrelevant: it's. not. your. body. You really need to just let go of your obsession with this poor kid's weight, for both of your sakes.

[Ausmumof3]

On 7/4/2018 at 3:00 PM, Scarlett said:

You think I don't know I love my own son?  I was 35 when he was born....I endured a mostly bad 16 year marriage before he was born and my son has been the joy of my life.  

I do care deeply for my step son.  I am good to him. I do a lot for him. I advocated HARD for him to come  live with us because I thought it was the best place for him.  The weight issue is HARD for me.  I DONTunderstand it.  From a far I can get it......some people have a hard time....but when I am living it and seeing the amount of food and drink he puts away and the weight he needs to lose and the high blood pressure that scares me.....I go weeks, months at a time just pushing it out of my mind, but sometimes I am just confronted by the absurdity of something like a gallon of milk in a day and I come here to vent.  

So shoot me. 

Love my own son

care deeply for my step son.

The language is different.

as a separate suggestion buy only whole milk it's more satisfying and if you can get unhomogenised in your budget even more so.  When milk is homogenised bodies tend not to recognise the fat content and can easily consume too much.  

[Scarlett]

48 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

So if he's struggling to deal with emotional pain as a result of a chaotic and dysfunctional childhood, that's 100% his business and it's "on him" to figure it out and fix it. But his weight is totally your business, to the point that you have been obsessed with "fixing it" for years. No, I am not obsessed.  I started a thread about his high blood pressure last December and another one this week.  

Every single thread you have ever posted about this kid says the same thing: "Oh, there's absolutely nothing wrong with him medically or psychologically, he's just fat because he eats too much. My son isn't fat because he never overeats, so why won't SS just choose to stop eating so much???" Not True.  I posted a thread about him not long ago where I was very upset that at his mom's house he had been removed from his bedroom and now has to sleep on the sofa and his step sister sleeps on the blow next to the sofa.  

You insist that it's a choice, not psychological or medical, but then refuse to accept that his "choice" may be to just accept that he's overweight for now. It drives you crazy that you can't find a way to force him into making the choice that you want him to make.  Again you are wrong.  I certainly accept his choice to be overweight.  I can still be annoyed by it, and worried about it and also annoyed that a gallon of milk was drank in a day (and yes I am aware he bought this particular gallon of milk)

If you are repulsed by the idea of obesity, then do whatever it takes to make sure that your body is not obese. What your adult SS does with his body is not your choice and none of your business. How much you love him or care about him is irrelevant: it's. not. your. body. You really need to just let go of your obsession with this poor kid's weight, for both of your sakes. I do make sure I am not obese.  For the record he is not an adult and what he does is somewhat my business.  And again, I am not obsessed.  You however, might be.

Read the sentence of mine you bolded again.  I said if he is HIDING how he feels that is on him.  The HIDING part.  I did not say anything close to what you are attributing to me above.

 

[Scarlett]

 

1 minute ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Love my own son

care deeply for my step son.

The language is different.

as a separate suggestion buy only whole milk it's more satisfying and if you can get unhomogenised in your budget even more so.  When milk is homogenised bodies tend not to recognise the fat content and can easily consume too much.  

Yes different language, different relationships, different feelings.  I doubt seriously he loves me as much as his mom.

I only buy whole milk.  

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, freesia said:

Scarlett,

Deep breath.  This is a gallon of lowfat milk, not coke or slurpee.  It is healthy food.

You cannot control what your sds eats (or anyone else over like 6 months).  Please do hold your tongue. In fact, if you say anything, commending him on a healthy food choice would be the right choice.

He needs to hear positive things about his eating from you.

Teen boys often do eat a lot of food--like a medium pizza before dinner amount.  My ds13 said after dinner last week that he could still eat 2 hamburgers and a hot dog if they were available.(And he is normal weight)

Your sds does need to figure out how to eat the amount that works for his health goals. his health goals.

I guarantee you 100% that if you, as a parent figure in my life, criticized me drinking lowfat milk I would have just been like--forget this and eaten the gallon of ice cream I really wanted to eat instead.

You have got to get your emotions detached from this.  He has been to the doctor it is his choice what to do.   He needs you to just, only love him and encourage him in all ways.  He is raised.

Well, from a practical stand point he just can't drink all the milk in the house.  There are other people who live here and expect there to be milk there at least part of the time.  (and yes I am aware that he bought this particular gallon of milk--but it is not the first gallon of milk that has disappeared quickly....this was just the time I made the stupid decision to post about it.  ?

As to the bolded I don't even know what to say about that.  I didn't say anything to him, but dh did ask him if he drank it all and he said yes....and dh asked him if he thought he should be drinking a gallon of milk in a day....and he said no.  And then dh said, 'you have said you want to lose weight and I see you are making good choices like cutting out bread....but a gallon of milk in a day can't be the substitute for that.  What foods can we buy for you that will be a good trade off for you giving up bread and sweets? '

So if a person would hear that conversation from a concerned, loving, helpful parent and then go sabotage their diet with a gallon of ice cream.....I don't know.  I guess they don't want help? 

Thankfully dss did not go eat a gallon of ice cream.  He did eat a steak for lunch though....lol....maybe that was his 'up yours!' response to his dad.  Shrug.

[Scarlett]

20 hours ago, jdahlquist said:

Would it help to have a certain part of the refrigerator, freezer, and pantry as "these are fine to fix for yourself" and another that is "these are reserved for planned meal preparation"?  I wonder if he went looking for the steaks or if they were just the first thing he saw and grabbed them. Were there other obvious lunch choices that he could easily see and easily prepare?  

Or, would it be possible, as a family, to come up with a weekly menu which lays out specific meals and snacks for each day?  It sounds as if the boys are old enough and independent enough to be fixing some food on their own, so would it be possible to include them in this rather than imposing a meal plan on them.  It might be done in a way that is more about planning as a family to make sure that shopping is done efficiently and so that anyone who is home first can get started on a meal rather than about the food needs of any one particular person in the family.  

 

Yes dh and I talked about it and will tell them both 'hey these are lunch items and these are items for planned meals.'   There were lunch things to eat.  None as yummy as steak I guess. ?

One thing that is changing is that dss is gone about 4-5 nights per week working and he eats at work (a restaurant) about 5.  And ds is never here much either.  

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, Amber in SJ said:

Ok.  Please hear this in the gentlest tone possible.  I have not read the entire thread because I only got to the 4th page before I couldn't read anymore.  

First of all (((hugs))) to you, Scarlett.  It is so difficult to watch someone close to you struggle with addiction and feel helpless in the face of it.  Clearly, that is what you are dealing with here.  If he has been checked by the doctor and there don't seem to be any underlying physical causes to his being 100 lbs overweight at 17 then you are looking at addiction.  It isn't a character flaw, it isn't a deficiency, it is a disease.  

Food addiction is a tricky thing because unlike drug addiction, alcohol addiction or porn addiction you can't go cold turkey.  You have to keep the addictive substance in your life.

A person's relationship to food is highly individual.  Your naturally thin son, who sometimes forgets to eat, has a casual relationship with food.  Food, to him is fuel, and sometimes he forgets to refuel.  Your step-son, clearly has a different relationship to food.  You say he has not been in a stable home for most of his childhood?  Unfortunately, it sounds like he has been in a home that was chaotic and he didn't feel safe & loved.  Every person wants to feel safe and loved.  Guess where he turned for comfort?  Where he turned to feel love?  You got it.  Food.  It may sound like I am exaggerating to someone who doesn't have this relationship to food, but there have been studies that show eating can release the same "happy hormones" in our brains as hugs from parents or even sex.  Your step-son wasn't getting the unconditional love he needed from any of his parental figures, but he was getting it from food.  It was always there.  It didn't care what else was going on.  It consistently made him feel good.  If he felt a little bad later about eating so much?  Oh well.  You are asking him to give up or change what has always given him comfort and security.  This is the kind of thing that counseling is for.  Getting to the root of addiction and finding healthier ways to meet the emotional needs of the child (who is almost no longer a child.)

You say you were in a marriage previously that was mostly bad for years.  Why didn't you leave sooner?  Because the issue was complicated, right?  You had to decide for yourself when it was time to break away from those unhealthy/ dangerous habits and go forward.  It is the same for your step-son.  No one else could make you change.  No one on the outside, no matter how concerned they were for you, could force you to end the relationship.  No one else has the right to judge you for your choices in that relationship.  It is the same for your step-son.  

So here are my recommendations.  They are free so you can take them for what it is worth.

1.  His weight is not your business.  You can't bully, shame, cajole, mother, smother or educate someone out of an addiction.  All you can do is love him.  Not a single comment to him or to Dh for that matter, if Dh is going to pass on your concerns to Dss about his weight or his eating habits.  It is so hard.  You will feel like your tongue has holes in it from biting it.  

2.  Give him a soft place to land.  He needs to replace years of conditioning that food is his only comfort & security.  There will be good days and bad days in the process.  Your job is not to fix him, or change him; your job is to love him.

3.  Go to counseling.  Please.  Find some place that will work with him individually and with all of you as a family.  You need a shared language about this issue.  You need some direction in neutrality. I know you think that he doesn't know that you are so irritated by the issue of overeating, but believe me, he does.  Counseling will help you, as a family, know how to support Dss in breaking the food addiction.  

4.  Continue to do the great job you have started in getting him medical help.  This is going to be a lifetime journey of retraining deeply entrenched neural pathways and finding what works best for him physically & emotionally.  Continue to help him find health professionals who really listen to him and support him.  Be behind him 100% if you come across a medical health professional who is dismissive or unwilling to treat the issue as a whole rather than eat less/ exercise more.  

For the milk issue:  I would buy a gallon/ kid each week.  One for each of them.  That gives your son the 2 big glasses/ day you want him to have, and your dss can choose to drink his all in one day and buy more or make it last.  For cooking?   What I do if I think the kids are going to go through the milk before I get to cooking with it is measure out whatever I need & put it in a mason jar or other container that says "Don't touch!"

I hope things get better,

Amber in SJ

 

Thanks for your very kind and thoughtful post Amber.  I will say that I don't feel things are bad.  I was annoyed over the milk but really it is just a blip in the world of parenting teens.  I also get annoyed when they don't do their chores which I posted about a few weeks back.  

As for the gallon of milk for each boy.....I will ask dh what he thinks.....It feels to me like having a gallon of milk on hand for him is sabotaging him because obviously he loves it and wants to drink a lot of it.  Because dss is saying he does want to lose weight.  He is making good choices which we do praise him for.  He came in from work a few weeks back to tell me he had passed on a brownie and had a chicken salad instead....and then when he finished the salad he had a small piece of brownie (like an inch square) and it was the worst brownie he ever had.  We all laughed and I said I hate it when I waste my calories on something gross.  

[Scarlett]

37 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

I really don't know how to describe the dynamic that goes on here, Scarlett, when you post. It's very disproportionate to what you actually say. 

I do wonder if there are cultural issues at play in why you get this extreme backlash. When really, if someone in my IRL circle said 'I'm so frustrated with dss. He knows it's not good for his weight, but he just drinks litres of milk every day anyway', the most likely response would be 'yeah, so annoying.' Maybe with a side dose of 'what can you do/' and another of pragmatic ways to solve the problem of the milk being gone.

I am always very surprised that a board full of women like to play the evil stepmom trope. 

I am glad you found some good info. 

People who are saying 'stop posting!' are betraying a deep discomfort of their own around these issues, I think. The solution is NOT for you to stop posting. The solution is for people to exercise control over which threads they read and respond to. They can also use the ignore button, which is very helpful when feeling triggered.

 

 

Yes it is quite puzzling.  Sometimes it gets to me....other times I just 'meh whatever.'.  

I went to lunch with my friend today and told her about the gallon of milk and the steak.  She about fell over on both counts and then recounted a couple of similar things she had been frustrated and annoyed with by her own boys (who are now both launched) in regards to food.  This is my friend who is really sick and obesity is one of her issues and yet I can talk openly to her about my concerns and she is totally on board with hoping he will get control of his weight while he is still young because it gets more difficult as we get older.  

And she has a 24 year old that is struggling mightily with his weight and she does not take the path of 'it is none of her business.'  She continues to advise and encourage him.  

So yeah, the world is full of different people handing things differently....I guess this board is not full of people like me.

[freesia]

Actually, your dh seemed to handle it fine. I meant what you were verbalizing to us--kind if appalled that anyone would do that at all-/that there was something wrong with it or something.  That's the attitude I was speaking to (and so you know I hear you--I know you were venting to us--but you did ask us to ask you to hold your tongue.  )

i forgot to say that, in our house, dh does have his own designated milk and I'd that is labeled for him ( bc of his allergies it is harder to get food he can eat, so we need to guard against it all being eaten. I have also been known to label packets of raisins and  cookies for each child so my slow eaters don't lose out on food we can't afford to eat with abandon. i absolutely think your ds should have his own labeled milk so he can have the milk he needs. 

[marbel]

2 hours ago, StellaM said:

 

I really don't know how to describe the dynamic that goes on here, Scarlett, when you post. It's very disproportionate to what you actually say. 

<snipped for brevity>

People who are saying 'stop posting!' are betraying a deep discomfort of their own around these issues, I think. The solution is NOT for you to stop posting. The solution is for people to exercise control over which threads they read and respond to. They can also use the ignore button, which is very helpful when feeling triggered.

Right on StellaM.  People are seriously telling her to stop posting?  (I have been out all day and haven't been able to keep up with every post.)   Do some people feel obligated to read and post on every thread or something?

Scarlett does seem to be a popular target for piling on, picking apart posts looking for inconsistencies, etc.  Maybe she is just braver than some of us (me) and posts even when she knows there's a good chance people will go on the offensive with her. 

@Scarlett I'm glad you are gleaning something  helpful here.

[Ausmumof3]

38 minutes ago, StellaM said:

 

Bu....it's OK for the language and the feeling to be different!

Parents of bio kids have favourites. Why on earth would a blended family be different ?

It's one thing if Scarlett is saying to dss 'Hey, I care for you but I love your brother'! It's another thing to use the language that reflects her feelings here.

It is normal. It is normal with our bio kids to fluctuate in how much love we actually feel or how connected we are or even how much we happen to like them! It's normal.

People are finding pathologies where none exist.

This boy has a MUM and a Dad. This is where the bulk of his acceptance and feelings of love and belonging should come from.

I think it's normal and honest for her to feel that way.  I also think it's impossible for her step son not to be aware of that on some level.  And that may be affecting him.  

Ive been the step child briefly so I've walked the walk.  Often the step child might even be cared for better than the child but the underlying feelings still come through some way.

im not suggesting Scarlett is some kind of evil step mum I just think that relationship is incredibly complicated no matter what and to assume it's not having an impact on him psychologically at some level.  It did on me and I was only on the situation for 12 months.  

[PeachyDoodle]

I haven't read all the responses because I've seen this movie before. So I stopped after two pages.

But as someone who has suffered her entire life with binge eating disorder (seriously, since age 5), I have to say: Please. Stop.

You are not helping your stepson. You just aren't. You need to deal with your own hangups with his eating disorder. You will only make things worse. You seriously have to come to a point that you can view his weight/body/eating/etc. without ANY EMOTION AT ALL. Get some counseling if you need it. At least take some deep breaths and practice letting this go.

You say you want to help. I believe you. May I make a suggestion? If you aren't familiar with the science of metabolism, by all means educate yourself, as others have suggested. But try also educating yourself on binge eating. Look into the research by Cindy Bulik at the University of North Carolina. Better yet, read something by Geneen Roth. Her work is less clinical and more therapeutic, and written directly to the person suffering from compulsive eating. As someone in recovery herself, she speaks eloquently and candidly about the types of things that people who struggle with eating go through. If nothing else, perhaps it will give you insight into the things happening inside your stepson's mind. As a teen (and a boy), he may be even less cognizant of his thoughts and feelings than a middle-aged woman (and there are bound to be some differences, of course) but perhaps understanding the kind of grief and guilt and pain that accompany this disease will give you more tools for compassionately helping him to discover his own path to healing.

I promise you he isn't self-sabotaging to annoy you. He isn't even doing it because he wants to. It's a compulsion that he would give anything to break, and one that he can't find his way out of.

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I think it's normal and honest for her to feel that way.  I also think it's impossible for her step son not to be aware of that on some level.  And that may be affecting him.  

Ive been the step child briefly so I've walked the walk.  Often the step child might even be cared for better than the child but the underlying feelings still come through some way.

im not suggesting Scarlett is some kind of evil step mum I just think that relationship is incredibly complicated no matter what and to assume it's not having an impact on him psychologically at some level.  It did on me and I was only on the situation for 12 months.  

I think if you were to ask dss if I love him as much as ds he would laugh and say, 'why no.'  And I don't think it has harmed him.  I mean, my step dad loves me, he is good to me, I am in his daily life more than his bio daughter....but I would never DREAM to think he loves me as much as her.  

[DawnM]

Just now, Scarlett said:

I think if you were to ask dss if I love him as much as ds he would laugh and say, 'why no.'  And I don't think it has harmed him.  I mean, my step dad loves me, he is good to me, I am in his daily life more than his bio daughter....but I would never DREAM to think he loves me as much as her.  

 

Wow.  That is just really, really unfortunate.  The fact that you think that is normal and laugh worthy speaks volumes.  It really does.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

I haven't read all the responses because I've seen this movie before. So I stopped after two pages.

But as someone who has suffered her entire life with binge eating disorder (seriously, since age 5), I have to say: Please. Stop.

You are not helping your stepson. You just aren't. You need to deal with your own hangups with his eating disorder. You will only make things worse. You seriously have to come to a point that you can view his weight/body/eating/etc. without ANY EMOTION AT ALL. Get some counseling if you need it. At least take some deep breaths and practice letting this go.

You say you want to help. I believe you. May I make a suggestion? If you aren't familiar with the science of metabolism, by all means educate yourself, as others have suggested. But try also educating yourself on binge eating. Look into the research by Cindy Bulik at the University of North Carolina. Better yet, read something by Geneen Roth. Her work is less clinical and more therapeutic, and written directly to the person suffering from compulsive eating. As someone in recovery herself, she speaks eloquently and candidly about the types of things that people who struggle with eating go through. If nothing else, perhaps it will give you insight into the things happening inside your stepson's mind. As a teen (and a boy), he may be even less cognizant of his thoughts and feelings than a middle-aged woman (and there are bound to be some differences, of course) but perhaps understanding the kind of grief and guilt and pain that accompany this disease will give you more tools for compassionately helping him to discover his own path to healing.

I promise you he isn't self-sabotaging to annoy you. He isn't even doing it because he wants to. It's a compulsion that he would give anything to break, and one that he can't find his way out of.

Right.  I don't think he does anything to annoy me.  And yet I can still be annoyed when a gallon of milk disappears. 

[PeachyDoodle]

Just now, Scarlett said:

Right.  I don't think he does anything to annoy me.  And yet I can still be annoyed when a gallon of milk disappears. 

If that's what you took from my post, I feel very very sorry for your stepson.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, DawnM said:

 

Wow.  That is just really, really unfortunate.  The fact that you think that is normal and laugh worthy speaks volumes.  It really does.

That a mom would love a bio son more than a step son she got when he was 9?  The fact you think it is so unfortunate speaks volumes to me.  We are realists in this family.  I am good to him, but he has a mom. She loves him I imagine more than her step kids.

[Scarlett]

Just now, PeachyDoodle said:

If that's what you took from my post, I feel very very sorry for your stepson.

What the heck? You feel sorry for him because I know he does nothing to annoy me?  

[PeachyDoodle]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

What the heck? You feel sorry for him because I know he does nothing to annoy me?  

No. I feel sorry for him because you completely ignored my attempts to help you understand what HE is going through. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, PeachyDoodle said:

No. I feel sorry for him because you completely ignored my attempts to help you understand what HE is going through. 

I didn't ignore it.  I read it.  I guess since I didn't respond to you about it you think I ignored it and therefore you feel sorry for my stepson?  No VERYVERY sorry. 

Sigh.  Thank you for the info on how he MIGHT be feeling.  I have read a lot , but I have also had discussions with him about it.  He is pretty open with me about his feelings.  So I understand as much as I think is possible.  

[StephanieZ]

((((hugs))))

It is really, really, really hard loving a young adult who is making bad choices.

I googled calories in milk . . . Looks like 1450 calories in a gallon of nonfat milk and 2380 in a gallon of full fat milk, so whatever version of low fat milk it is, it's got at least 1450 calories and maybe 2000 or so. Yoikes. I'd be pulling my hair out if I were you. I totally feel your pain. 

People do stupid stuff. I do stupid stuff all the time, and I'm sure my dh and even my kids have to bite their tongues regularly around me. I know the stupid stuff I do. I still do it. Telling me how stupid it is ain't gonna' change it. I might make better choices another day. Maybe not. By the time I stop doing one stupid thing, I'll likely pick up a new stupid thing. 

BUT . . . we looooove our kids and we want everything to be perfect for them, and we've spent the first decades of their lives protecting them from all that could harm them and helping them learn to make good choices.

And then . . . we have to watch them do stupid, stupid, stupid things. It makes me craaaaaaazy. 

I think what's saving me from ruining my relationships with my young adult kids is being really, really, really busy. Really, really busy, lol. 

I just have to force myself, day after day, to STFU. 

(((((hugs)))))

You don't have to buy more milk. You can buy some "fancy" "just for coffee" milk if you could convince him not to drink it. Maybe hide your coffee milk in a "carrot juice" bottle in the back of the fridge, lol. 

If you drink at all, have a glass of wine. Or two. And congratulate yourself for keeping your lips zipped. 

Adulting is hard. Parenting young adults is WAY harder. IME.

 

[Bootsie]

47 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes dh and I talked about it and will tell them both 'hey these are lunch items and these are items for planned meals.'   There were lunch things to eat.  None as yummy as steak I guess. ?

One thing that is changing is that dss is gone about 4-5 nights per week working and he eats at work (a restaurant) about 5.  And ds is never here much either.  

I grew up in a household where lunch was rather light and dinner was a big meal (in terms of the number of calories, the expense of the food eaten, and the complexity of preparation).  At times I have needed to flip that thinking into a larger meal earlier in the day, especially if my kids were away from home the majority of the evenings in a week or going through a huge growth spurt.  Especially my teen son appreciates a large meal earlier in the day; if he waits to consumer a larger meal in the evening he is ravenous all day long.  I also found that what I thought of as traditional "lunch foods" had to be consumed in such large quantities for my son, that it was often more expensive for him to eat them than what at first blush appeared to be a more expensive "dinner" meal.  

If you traditionally eat a heavier meal in the evening than at lunch, could you consider rearranging that and see if it addresses some of the concerns?

[itsheresomewhere]

42 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes it is quite puzzling.  Sometimes it gets to me....other times I just 'meh whatever.'.  

I went to lunch with my friend today and told her about the gallon of milk and the steak.  She about fell over on both counts and then recounted a couple of similar things she had been frustrated and annoyed with by her own boys (who are now both launched) in regards to food.  This is my friend who is really sick and obesity is one of her issues and yet I can talk openly to her about my concerns and she is totally on board with hoping he will get control of his weight while he is still young because it gets more difficult as we get older.  

And she has a 24 year old that is struggling mightily with his weight and she does not take the path of 'it is none of her business.'  She continues to advise and encourage him.  

So yeah, the world is full of different people handing things differently....I guess this board is not full of people like me.

And how is that working for her? Probably not as well as she thinks.  And not someone I would take advice from. 

I don’t know if you have ever watched any of the weight loss shows on the 600+lb but one thing that is always ordered no matter what is counseling.  I know you are not seeing it but what would a few sessions hurt.  Maybe he might come out with some really good coping skills for how to deal with stress  and not emotional eating as he gets older and really submerges to the work field.  

[PeachyDoodle]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I didn't ignore it.  I read it.  I guess since I didn't respond to you about it you think I ignored it and therefore you feel sorry for my stepson?  No VERYVERY sorry. 

Sigh.  Thank you for the info on how he MIGHT be feeling.  I have read a lot , but I have also had discussions with him about it.  He is pretty open with me about his feelings.  So I understand as much as I think is possible.  

I'd be willing to bet he doesn't even fully understand it. And I'd be shocked if he actually told his stepmother his deepest-seeded fears and pain. But hey, I could be wrong.

Just in case you're the one who's wrong, though, I'd still suggest the above resources.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

And how is that working for her? Probably not as well as she thinks.  And not someone I would take advice from. 

I don’t know if you have ever watched any of the weight loss shows on the 600+lb but one thing that is always ordered no matter what is counseling.  I know you are not seeing it but what would a few sessions hurt.  Maybe he might come out with some really good coping skills for how to deal with stress  and not emotional eating as he gets older and really submerged to the work field.  

I will say this...her talking to her son about his weight may or may not do any good.  But the one thing he can never say is that she didn't care or that she ignored a health crisis he was facing.  That is what dh and I agree on and want....for dss to know we see he is struggling and we will do whatever we can to help.

[itsheresomewhere]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I will say this...her talking to her son about his weight may or may not do any good.  But the one thing he can never say is that she didn't care or that she ignored a health crisis he was facing.  That is what dh and I agree on and want....for dss to know we see he is struggling and we will do whatever we can to help.

There is a difference in being caring, sympathetic ear and a “helpful we do this because we care” person.  The best are the sympathetic ear who cares but doesn’t nag/undermine.  The worst are the we did this because we care about you and don’t see they are doing more harm than good.