Difficult to hold my tongue

[unsinkable]

Be careful, Scarlett. 

In other threads, people here have told you that they felt you were abusing your son, that he needed to live with another family and that they know where you (generally) live.

With all the rage-posts here that are being directed toward you...just be careful.

 

[Scarlett]

19 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

The harsh tone of your rants about his weight specifically and overweight people's moral failings generally in the past makes it seem that you are lying to yourself about this. If you really want I'm sure someone could take the time to go back and quote your past moral judgments about these topics on earlier threads about your DSS & your friends weights.

Well I have been here a long time and my views have changed on a lot of things so sure go on and look for the worst thing I ever said.  I posted recently about my friend and her Lymes and I did just go back and rad that thread.  If you think I was morally judgmental in that thread then you and I will never agree on what is judgmental.  

I vent here bcause I want to be kind to my SS. I don't know why I can't remember how bad of an idea it is  ever vent here.  

[2squared]

If either of my teens drank that much milk in 24 hours, my dh would be ecstatic. He is always trying to get them to drink more milk. I would tease my 14yo ds, but I wouldn't be surprised or upset. Teen boys are hungry people. My brother went through that much milk as a teen. I would tease my 16yo as well, but I would question her a little about it. She doesn't eat nearly as much as her brother, primarily since she seems to not be growing much anymore. I do know she still goes through periods where she is hungry constantly, so I expect her body is still changing.

If my teen bought his own gallon of milk or other food items, I wouldn't care one bit about how fast he consumed it, but I don't manage their eating anymore.

[chiguirre]

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Thanks Cat.  I do acknowledge that obviously something is different.  But it doesn't change  the fact he needs to do something for himself. 

 

9 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I'm surprised anyone who isn't either breastfeeding or on a road trip through the desert in summer can consume a gallon of water, let alone anything else.

Anyway, I'd recommend keeping a box of UHT milk in the back of the pantry for cooking emergencies.

 

Scarlett, you've solved your own problem. Your dss does, in fact, have to do this for himself. It's a long, hard struggle to lose and maintain your weight and only he can do it. (So many of us here take his "side" because we live with this struggle too and it hits close to home to hear judginess about weight issues.)

To avoid the very annoying lack of milk which I thoroughly understand, I'd buy a liter of tetrapak milk and keep it in the pantry. If you can't find the liter, I know for sure they sell lunchbox packs (look near the juice boxes in the supermarket).

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

 

This has been said many times in your other threads, but the recommendation for counseling is not to help the young man with his weight.

He has endured family instability as a minor child and carries difficult baggage handed to him by every adult and parental figure in his life. You have explained this many times - we know how you treat him, we know you think that you are more nurturing than his mother, we know less about his dad but we do know that he is not insisting on therapy for his son. And then he also has a stepbrother to whom he is constantly compared and there are other issues with that relationship.

A qualified therapist does not serve just to fix someone's outsides so he will be socially acceptable and his stepmother will stop shaming and judging him. The therapist wouldn't care about making the young man good enough for you. The only way it would be about you would be to help him cope with you as needed, and maybe get some more tools for communicating with his many parents. The therapy would be entirely for the young man, to give him a place to discuss his past and hopefully make peace with it, process his present times, and work toward hope for the future.

Study ACE - Adverse Childhood Experiences- he probably scores rather high, and studies have shown that intervention at the beginning of young adulthood can make a lifetime difference. If you want him to have a better chance of NOT having to deal with his childhood crap all of his life, and remain at risk of health problems related to having had a horrible childhood, then acceptance, therapy, and support now, at this precise moment, are crucial to protecting his future! The world is full of people who were horribly damaged as kids and who have to process it all, be triggered by it all, internalize and suffer, fir their entire adult lives. Your child is about to join us damaged adults. It could be different for him, if he could get help for his whole picture, right now..

But you, your dh, and probably your son, should be in counseling, too. Step families do not receive the same training and support as foster or adoptive parents, but they should, when the child coming into their home has been abused and neglected. You are frustrated by the burden of this young person, you are critical of him, you begrudge anything he takes from your child whether a glass of milk or the possible sharing of a friendship, and you are ashamed of him because he is fat. Yet you feel you are the most warm, loving, and accepting adult in his life! 

To everyone else this screams an urgent need for help for the whole family, but you are still over there saying, "We are great parents so why is he still fat? Ugh!" 

 

 

 

I don't believe I have EVER described myself as warm loving and accepting..  I also don't think I have ever described myself as a great parent.  I do KNOW I have done more medical and school related things for dss than all of his other parents combined.  I have spent hours and hours researching weight issues and nutrition and yes I have researched how to talk to teens about weight . I do treat him and talk to him differently than my natural reaction would be.  I try very hard to be kind to him.  So if he has figured out I am not perfect and that I don't fully get weight issues then well good....he knows I am not perfect and yet I keep trying to do all I can for him. 

When I said how does it work getting him to counseling......he would be very suspicious if we suggested he go to counseling.....for what?  He would wonder.  That is all. I will suggest to Dh again to take him to counseling.  Remember he has only lived here two years.  Prior to that, Dh, Ds and I all did have counseling at various times.  Xw refused to take dss and by the time he was 15 Dh talked to him and he didn't want to go....didn't see a need to,.  So there is that.  

[Tanaqui]

Scarlett, you might not see it, but we're not all crazy. You do post an awful lot about how frustrated your stepson makes you, and you continually compare him in a negative way to your son. I really think you would benefit from some family therapy, and if you can't get him to go, at least your own counseling. (And no - most of the rest of us don't compare our kids. That's really not a good thing to do, and the fact that you have trouble recognizing this is a huge problem.)

With regards to this specific issue... he bought the milk himself. Complaints about how your son never gets to drink any milk because his stepbrother drinks it all first are irrelevant when your stepson bought this gallon himself for his own consumption. Your children are adults, or very nearly. Let the doctors and nutritionists guide them on diet and exercise. You should close your eyes and try not to even see how much anybody is or isn't eating.

[scholastica]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

His mom and dad are not over weight. He has an aunt who is, but she is close to 40 and was not over weight at 17.  

There is really not some sort of rehab available like so many of you keep thinking we should get him in to.  I mean really some of the suggestions are just not realistic.  

Aren’t you in Oklahoma? There’s this program. Forgive me if I remember your location wrong. There are programs like this in pretty much every major medical center city in the country. 

[elegantlion]

46 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Wait.  What you quoted above was me answering someone's question about his bio family.  Good grief.  

And I am not arguing or being angry and neither do I belive it is a character issue.  

 

By comparing his obesity with the thinness of your own son, you frame it as a character issue, that one way is inherently bad while the other is good. .. such as, step-son is obese because he eats too much (drinks all the milk, etc), but ds doesn't eat and can control it. It comes across that you think step-son just has a control issue, that he should be able to eat less, just like your son. 

You continue to post these venting threads and then get bent out of shape when people jump on you. You say you're trying to understand and become educated. Yet, people have tried to give you examples and links to understanding obesity from the perspective of a thin person, you say you've researched. Yet, every venting post about your step-son includes references to his obesity. I don't think you're being intentionally obtuse and I do think you care about your step-son. 

I live with my mother and I'm in my 50s. I've never been skinny, but I was not obese or really overweight as a kid. My mother, who I know loves me dearly, would make comments about my body structure. I inherited my dad's figure and genes, not my mother's who has perfect proportions. I look like a hobbit, my mom looks like an elf. Those comments were detrimental to my self-esteem for years. Now that I have a dead thyroid (thank you radiation treatment) and am pre-menopausal, I've gained some weight. My mom continues to make comments, little things like "oh are your feet swollen," - yes, I've been on them all day...."you look like you've lost weight," no, not really....Thing is, even when she doesn't say anything, I hear her voice in my head. I still hate my body (although I've learned to live with it) and I always will, partially because of the way my very-loving mother made me feel about it as a child. 

 

 

 

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, scholastica said:

Aren’t you in Oklahoma? There’s this program. Forgive me if I remember your location wrong. There are programs like this in pretty much every major medical center city in the country. 

Thank you.  I send that link to dh.  It is about 4 hours from us.

[Pen]

11 hours ago, Scarlett said:

When a gallon of milk is finished by a single person in 24 hours.  

 

10 hours ago, Arctic Mama said:

Yes, it is.  Almost as much as a double cheeseburger.  But not quite.

Milk isn’t actually very calorie dense.  It’s sugary, compared to water, and low fat milk isn’t as filling, but you can get more calories w

 

?    I plugged these into a nutrients and calories app:

1 gallon (16 cups) 1% fat milk:  1649.6 kCal

Wendy’s double burger with cheese: 809.7 kCal

 

????

Remotely possible is that my app is wrong  

Or it could be that there is a common misconception about the calories in milk relative to other foods

I did not read the whole thread, but could it be that the teen thinks he can drink a whole gallon of milk and feel quite full, yet take in fewer calories than from a double cheese burger????

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

 

By comparing his obesity with the thinness of your own son, you frame it as a character issue, that one way is inherently bad while the other is good. .. such as, step-son is obese because he eats too much (drinks all the milk, etc), but ds doesn't eat and can control it. It comes across that you think step-son just has a control issue, that he should be able to eat less, just like your son. 

You continue to post these venting threads and then get bent out of shape when people jump on you. You say you're trying to understand and become educated. Yet, people have tried to give you examples and links to understanding obesity from the perspective of a thin person, you say you've researched. Yet, every venting post about your step-son includes references to his obesity. I don't think you're being intentionally obtuse and I do think you care about your step-son. 

I live with my mother and I'm in my 50s. I've never been skinny, but I was not obese or really overweight as a kid. My mother, who I know loves me dearly, would make comments about my body structure. I inherited my dad's figure and genes, not my mother's who has perfect proportions. I look like a hobbit, my mom looks like an elf. Those comments were detrimental to my self-esteem for years. Now that I have a dead thyroid (thank you radiation treatment) and am pre-menopausal, I've gained some weight. My mom continues to make comments, little things like "oh are your feet swollen," - yes, I've been on them all day...."you look like you've lost weight," no, not really....Thing is, even when she doesn't say anything, I hear her voice in my head. I still hate my body (although I've learned to live with it) and I always will, partially because of the way my very-loving mother made me feel about it as a child. 

 

 

 

Well, I,  like many people on this board do post about the things that upset me not about the things that are going well.  

Also I NEVER said my son is thin because he has a better character!  Or control!  I said there is a connection between how much one eats and how much the other eats and their respective weights.  Maybe that is not true for everyone but it is true for dss.  I have seen him follow a plan and lose weight.  So I know he can.  But I guess it is too hard for him so he gives up.  That doesn't mean I think his character is bad.  

[Katy]

4 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

 

?    I plugged these into a nutrients and calories app:

1 gallon (16 cups) 1% fat milk:  1649.6 kCal

Wendy’s double burger with cheese: 809.7 kCal

 

????

Remotely possible is that my app is wrong  

Or it could be that there is a common misconception about the calories in milk relative to other foods

I did not read the whole thread, but could it be that the teen thinks he can drink a whole gallon of milk and feel quite full, yet take in fewer calories than from a double cheese burger????

 

But most of the time a 17 year old isn't going to get the double cheeseburger.  He's going to get the double cheeseburger, large coke, large fries, and possibly a second sandwich from the dollar menu.

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

 

?    I plugged these into a nutrients and calories app:

1 gallon (16 cups) 1% fat milk:  1649.6 kCal

Wendy’s double burger with cheese: 809.7 kCal

 

????

Remotely possible is that my app is wrong  

Or it could be that there is a common misconception about the calories in milk relative to other foods

I did not read the whole thread, but could it be that the teen thinks he can drink a whole gallon of milk and feel quite full, yet take in fewer calories than from a double cheese burger????

Also, it was 2% not 1%.  I felt it was probably more calories than some were saying, but it just isn't worth arguing over when everyone is already so down on me. He probably does think a gallon of milk is better than other options....but far be it for me to educate him on it.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

But most of the time a 17 year old isn't going to get the double cheeseburger.  He's going to get the double cheeseburger, large coke, large fries, and possibly a second sandwich from the dollar menu.

I just checked and a gallon of 2% is 1920 calories and 80 grams of fat.  

[Katy]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Also, it was 2% not 1%.  I felt it was probably more calories than some were saying, but it just isn't worth arguing over when everyone is already so down on me. He probably does think a gallon of milk is better than other options....but far be it for me to educate him on it.

 

1952 calories in 1 gallon of 2% milk.  He has the math skills to figure out the calories himself.

[Pen]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Also, it was 2% not 1%.  I felt it was probably more calories than some were saying, but it just isn't worth arguing over when everyone is already so down on me. He probably does think a gallon of milk is better than other options....but far be it for me to educate him on it.

 

 

1952 kCal then

 

Maybe he could use an app to help himself decide what to eat and drink 

[Bootsie]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I am letting Dh focus on his own son.  I came here to vent because I did indeed bite my tongue and said nothing to dss. He was not even home when I noticed it so he absolutely isn't feeling any judgment from me.  

Although you said nothing to your stepson about this, I would be surprised if this does not impact the family dynamics in some way.  From your posts it appears you noticed an empty gallon of milk in the trash and asked your son about it.  He told you that stepson bought it the evening before.  He must have either told you that he had not had any to drink or you must have asked him that to conclude that stepson drank the entire gallon.  

Although you do not plan to say something to your stepson, you have asked your husband to.  Now he is in a position to say, "Step mom found an empty gallon of milk in trash can; she asked son about it; he said that you bought it and drank it within 24 hours..."  While you are not saying anything directly, I can't imagine he does not feel like there is a lot of talk about him and his drinking milk between his stepmother and stepbrother.  I would be concerned about what type of dynamic that is setting up between the two boys.  

[elegantlion]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Well, I,  like many people on this board do post about the things that upset me not about the things that are going well.  

Also I NEVER said my son is thin because he has a better character!  Or control!  I said there is a connection between how much one eats and how much the other eats and their respective weights.  Maybe that is not true for everyone but it is true for dss.  I have seen him follow a plan and lose weight.  So I know he can.  But I guess it is too hard for him so he gives up.  That doesn't mean I think his character is bad.  

 

I said it comes across as if...I believe you are not saying these things to his face. As I'm sure you know, part of interpersonal communication is the way other people perceive what we say. 

[Pen]

Looks like our apps are giving slightly different figures—Katy and mine identical, Scarlett’s similar. And it may differ from different dairy’s as well. 

[Mergath]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Also, it was 2% not 1%.  I felt it was probably more calories than some were saying, but it just isn't worth arguing over when everyone is already so down on me. He probably does think a gallon of milk is better than other options....but far be it for me to educate him on it.

 

The higher fat content his milk has, the better. Skim milk is all empty carbs. Fat is what makes a person feel full. Contrary to popular belief, eating fat does not make you fat. Trying to encourage him to eat low fat foods is setting him up for failure.

[Pen]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Also, it was 2% not 1%.  I felt it was probably more calories than some were saying, but it just isn't worth arguing over when everyone is already so down on me. He probably does think a gallon of milk is better than other options....but far be it for me to educate him on it.

 

I have been enjoying keto type diet based on the Mercola book Fat for Fuel and found a keto cookbook where so far all the meals have been excellent. Plus the app to really know what is going on helps a lot. 

Maybe mention something like that to your dh?

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Mergath said:

 

The higher fat content his milk has, the better. Skim milk is all empty carbs. Fat is what makes a person feel full. Contrary to popular belief, eating fat does not make you fat. Trying to encourage him to eat low fat foods is setting him up for failure.

I didn't encourage him to buy 2%.  I buy Whole milk.  I have never encouraged him to eat low fat foods.  

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Pen said:

Looks like our apps are giving slightly different figures—Katy and mine identical, Scarlett’s similar. And it may differ from different dairy’s as well. 

Yes I just looked at the carton.  120 calories per serving. 

[unsinkable]

Information page for Family & Friends for Overeaters Anonymous

https://oa.org/newcomers/for-family-and-friends/

I don't know if this applies to your son. But I do know in my years of AlAnon, it helped me learn how to recognize what I could and could not control. So maybe this can help you see that? 

 

[Shellydon]

I have a friend with 4 teenaged boys that drink 14 gallons a week.  If you are worried about calories, switch to 1% or 2%.  Milk is better than soda....

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

1952 calories in 1 gallon of 2% milk.  He has the math skills to figure out the calories himself.

Right.  I didn't tell him how many calories there were in it.  I was just responding to someone else who was discussing it.  

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I have been enjoying keto type diet based on the Mercola book Fat for Fuel and found a keto cookbook where so far all the meals have been excellent. Plus the app to really know what is going on helps a lot. 

Maybe mention something like that to your dh?

Yes until about 6 months ago I did show dss a lot of various tools and apps and programs and so he knows about a lot of things he could try and that we would pay for.  He says he doesn't need it. So we have been just leaving him alone.  

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, Shellydon said:

I have a friend with 4 teenaged boys that drink 14 gallons a week.  If you are worried about calories, switch to 1% or 2%.  Milk is better than soda....

Well, being better than soda is no great thing.  I won't be buying 14 gallons of milk a week....or even 7!

[Mergath]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well, being better than soda is no great thing.  I won't be buying 14 gallons of milk a week....or even 7!

 

That's the kind of attitude that isn't going to be helpful at all for your ss. When you feel hungry all the time, choosing a food that's better, even if it isn't perfect, IS great. And can be really difficult.

[Upennmama]

I haven’t read any other postings on this situation, but I understand where you’re coming from, Scarlet. Anytime we watch someone making self destructive decisions, it’s really frustrating, even when it’s not our problem. In your DSS case, I agree that it’s binge eating behavior, and I’m surprised so many people think that’s good for him. I am pretty seriously overweight and I know that controlling myself is harder than it may be for thin people, but that doesn’t change the fact that I need to exercise self control if I want to be healthier. I hope you can find a way through a hard situation, especially as a step mom. 

[Terabith]

Statistically, the percentage of people who lose more than 20 pounds and keep it off for more than 3 years without surgery is 3%.  From a mathematical standpoint, it is basically impossible to lose weight and keep it off for an extended period.  When people gain the weight back, they almost always gain back more than they lost.  Doctors love to tell people to lose weight, but the science says that it only works 3% of the time.  

[Tsuga]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I  Have just tried to help him.  I really don't feel like I am trying to control him.  

The way you are framing help is controlling his eating and weight.

That is his battle. The more you do to "help" (influence, teach, direct, limit) the more I bet he will resist.

Your husband is right. Be there when he is ready. Otherwise the help you can give is love and acceptance without strings.

[MaeFlowers]

18 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Information page for Family & Friends for Overeaters Anonymous

https://oa.org/newcomers/for-family-and-friends/

I don't know if this applies to your son. But I do know in my years of AlAnon, it helped me learn how to recognize what I could and could not control. So maybe this can help you see that? 

 

 

I was thinking this, too. 

Scarlett has every right to her emotions. Watching someone struggle and make poor choices is frustrating. Not being able to help someone you love is frustrating. Even when you know it isn't their fault.

My advice. It's okay for you to be upset right now. You're watching someone you love struggle. You just have to own it and work through it. When you want to say something, vent to someone safe. Write a letter and burn it. Just get it out.  And though you shouldn't take it out on him, it is okay to say you are frustrated but you are trying to understand and work through your own emotions. It's healthy for you and will help your dss in the long run. When you suppress it and pretend like everything is okay, it still comes out. They will know.

 

 

[DawnM]

Scarlett,

  I struggle with my weight.  But if someone is sitting there calculating all my intake, talking to me a lot about various diets, it would make ME feel bad about ME.  And yes, I would have that 3rd slice of chocolate cake if I am that upset.

My guess is that even though you are "holding your tongue" he knows very well how you feel about it.  The many, many threads you have started about him and his weight and/or his food issues indicate that you think about it a lot, and I am positive he knows.  

You have also indicated that the skinny people should be able to have exactly what they want to eat when they want it and no one should have to suffer to help him.   And people have equated that to keeping alcohol in the house and drinking it in front of him if he were an alcoholic.  You have not accepted that, but I will say it AGAIN.  I have a VERY hard time watching people eat lasagna, breadsticks, and chocolate cake and ice cream while I have a salad with grilled chicken and a piece of fruit.  Seriously.  

[Tsuga]

40 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

 

1952 kCal then

 

Maybe he could use an app to help himself decide what to eat and drink 

 

He has to love himself first.

There is also.a good chance he views milk.as a health food and is using it to stave off other eating without understanding how snack calories work.

I really think that with respect to weight, Scarlett is going to make 0 progress. Never seen it happen even with a bio parent. Ever. "Well my mom nagged me my whole life about losing weight but one day she talked about calories in milk and blammo, I changed my attitude."

Not gonna happen.

Focus on love and not food. Everything else falls into place.

[Scarlett]

12 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Scarlett,

  I struggle with my weight.  But if someone is sitting there calculating all my intake, talking to me a lot about various diets, it would make ME feel bad about ME.  And yes, I would have that 3rd slice of chocolate cake if I am that upset.

My guess is that even though you are "holding your tongue" he knows very well how you feel about it.  The many, many threads you have started about him and his weight and/or his food issues indicate that you think about it a lot, and I am positive he knows.  

You have also indicated that the skinny people should be able to have exactly what they want to eat when they want it and no one should have to suffer to help him.   And people have equated that to keeping alcohol in the house and drinking it in front of him if he were an alcoholic.  You have not accepted that, but I will say it AGAIN.  I have a VERY hard time watching people eat lasagna, breadsticks, and chocolate cake and ice cream while I have a salad with grilled chicken and a piece of fruit.  Seriously.  

I am not sitting here calculating his intake, nor do I sit around talking about various diets.  Yes after the doctor explained to him he is morbidly obese and how dangerous it is to his health we had discussions about how he could go about that.  Did you think we should have left the doctors office and never discussed it at all with him?  We haven't discussed his weight for months and months.  I think he is still trying but since I don't ask him about it I am not sure.  I try very had to not notice what he eats.  

As far as us suffering to help him?  Are you saying I should stop buying milk now?  I don't buy cookies and chips or soda or junk food....so now he doesn't have that to eat he drinks a lot of milk.  So I don't know how far I am suppose to go to help him when obviously as others have said he will not lose weight based upon anything I do anyway.

[Pen]

13 minutes ago, Tsuga said:

 

He has to love himself first.

There is also.a good chance he views milk.as a health food and is using it to stave off other eating without understanding how snack calories work.

I really think that with respect to weight, Scarlett is going to make 0 progress. Never seen it happen even with a bio parent. Ever. "Well my mom nagged me my whole life about losing weight but one day she talked about calories in milk and blammo, I changed my attitude."

Not gonna happen.

Focus on love and not food. Everything else falls into place.

 

So true!!!!!!

[Tanaqui]

Quote

Well, I,  like many people on this board do post about the things that upset me not about the things that are going well.   

 

Sure, but you seem to be upset by your stepson an awful lot more than any of us - including yourself! - are upset by our bio kids.

Quote

Also I NEVER said my son is thin because he has a better character!  Or control!

 

You didn't use those exact words, no. So why do you think so many of us think you feel that way?

The thing is, we can't be your therapist. We're kinda crap at that, and I think many of us are sick of you trying to use this board as a substitute for counseling. You should really bring up your problems with a professional, somebody who can help you. It's pretty clear from the fact that you make the same posts again and again that we can't.

Quote

As far as us suffering to help him?  Are you saying I should stop buying milk now?  I don't buy cookies and chips or soda or junk food....so now he doesn't have that to eat he drinks a lot of milk.  So I don't know how far I am suppose to go to help him when obviously as others have said he will not lose weight based upon anything I do anyway.

 

You should go to a nutritionist for advice on your family diet. You should encourage your stepson to see a therapist who deals with weight issues. YOU are not qualified to help him with that, by simple virtue of the fact that you're too close to the situation.

[Pen]

37 minutes ago, Mergath said:

 

That's the kind of attitude that isn't going to be helpful at all for your ss. When you feel hungry all the time, choosing a food that's better, even if it isn't perfect, IS great. And can be really difficult.

 

Sometimes feeling hungry all the time can come from not having nutrients that you need. Or for emotional lack reasons. So filling the actual deficit may be what is needed. 

Sometimes feeling hungry may be (it is now thought) driven by the microbiome within...  In fact, if fecal transplant were done from some one slim that might have a huge impact. 

 

[DawnM]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am not sitting here calculating his intake, nor do I sit around talking about various diets.  Yes after the doctor explained to him he is morbidly obese and how dangerous it is to his health we had discussions about how he could go about that.  Did you think we should have left the doctors office and never discussed it at all with him?  We haven't discussed his weight for months and months.  I think he is still trying but since I don't ask him about it I am not sure.  I try very had to not notice what he eats.  

As far as us suffering to help him?  Are you saying I should stop buying milk now?  I don't buy cookies and chips or soda or junk food....so now he doesn't have that to eat he drinks a lot of milk.  So I don't know how far I am suppose to go to help him when obviously as others have said he will not lose weight based upon anything I do anyway.

 

You have said in the past that you would continue to buy stuff and allow the others, without a weight issue, to eat as they wish, and you would not change your buying habits.  And you have said before that you do buy things that are not diet friendly.  And you used the word suffering in the past.  If this stupid search feature worked better, I would link it, but I will google and see if I can find it.

And I said nothing about the doctor, but I am focusing on you and your attitude towards him.  You have started threads after threads after threads about him and his food and his weight, I am sure he knows what you think.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

5 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Sure, but you seem to be upset by your stepson an awful lot more than any of us - including yourself! - are upset by our bio kids.

 

You didn't use those exact words, no. So why do you think so many of us think you feel that way?

The thing is, we can't be your therapist. We're kinda crap at that, and I think many of us are sick of you trying to use this board as a substitute for counseling. You should really bring up your problems with a professional, somebody who can help you. It's pretty clear from the fact that you make the same posts again and again that we can't.

 

You should go to a nutritionist for advice on your family diet. You should encourage your stepson to see a therapist who deals with weight issues. YOU are not qualified to help him with that, by simple virtue of the fact that you're too close to the situation.

 

Exactly. We can't do the warm fuzzy thing over this, Scarlett, because when you do it, you are tripping the trigger of every person who ever had a crappy childhood or a weight or health or family issue, and that's a lot of people. You do need help but we are never going to be all that helpful, as evidenced by the fact that we've not been able to be helpful yet. I wish we could help. There are a few other situations running, at the moment, that we are also failing to help, in spite of a hundred people all saying the same thing over an extended period of time...giant groups of people who don't know us IRL can support each other in lots of ways and even real ways, but there are significant limitations, too. You need people who are really there and who have the skills to genuinely help.

[Tsuga]

21 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

.  So I don't know how far I am suppose to go to help him when obviously as others have said he will not lose weight based upon anything I do anyway.

The way you are using the word "help" here is synonymous with "fix" or more charitably "heal". 

Stop trying to fix. Stop trying to heal. Just love. That is it. You will both be so much happier.

Another poster mentioned Al Anon for overeaters anonymous. Another option would just be counseling for you so you can work through this with a less judgmental crowd. I am definitely a fixer and my mom is a healer. Both of those imply action on an object to change it. And they are easily confused with love. 

Especially when it's hard to work up the feelings it is easy to find something to "help" with.

But that is objectifying. It is not love. You don't have to help or fix or heal here. Your job is to love him.

And as needed keep a pantry box for baking supplies with a polite note, "baking supplies, do not use for snacks, thanks!"

[BusyMom5]

I don't think you are a terrible person.  It's hard to see someone you care about not making healthy choices.  Thst said, I'm not sure there is a solution unless he wants it.  

 

There is a girl I went to hs with on my FB feed.  She is very obese.  Her DH is tiny, he clearly has a high metabolism.   All their kids are chunky, and now they even have a m adopted child.  She routinely put up pics of their meals.   They are high fat, high carbs, and the one that really gets me is the portion size.   The Bsby IS beING Given About The Same Portion Size THAT I Eat.   She serves her kids, same ages as mine, very large portions of food.  It's clear she was not taught portion size and she is not teaching her kids proper portion size.  I will never say anything,  she's an old friend i don't really know snymore, but if it was a family member it would be hard to stay quiet.   I know I started eating too much (nrising twuns, so I needed it at first) and afterwards I had to work to loose the weight.  I still have to watch portion size!  

[HS Mom in NC]

12 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Really? It is normal? 

I have 3 older brothers.  All of them were normal weight until middle age.  All of them could easily drink a gallon of milk a day in their teens/early 20s. My mother had to limit them to 2 glasses day or 1 glass and 1 bowl of cereal due to tight finances.  You haven't heard mothers of teens go on about how much teen males can consume in one meal? An entire chicken.  An entire large pizza.  An entire casserole.  I think it's really weird that someone with a teenage son is surprised to hear this about teen boys. 

To be completely honest, and for the sake of your family, I think you need some professional counseling about handling family dynamics.  You seem to post a lot about things that seem very obsessive and unrealistic and you seem to want people here to tell you you're right.  If you honestly wanted feedback, you wouldn't argue with people who disagree with you, you would just hear them out and then decide one way or the other for yourself instead of repeating how surprised you are to hear it or arguing with them about it. 

[Tsuga]

27 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Sure, but you seem to be upset by your stepson an awful lot more than any of us - including yourself! - are upset by our bio kids.

 

 

I really don't think that is true. Scarlett has a strong writing personality and comes across like this in all threads and I am the same. People make me feel things.

I get way more upset about my bio kids than she is about her stepson though I have learned to let go of more and more.

There is a stepparent element to it but frankly...well no I won't be frank because people will flip the freak out but I will just say there are huge parts of the Internet in which parents rank on their kids about behaviors that, while uncommon, are not inherently harmful. And it KILLS me. Fatness, repetition, literal thinking, constant motion, big tantrums... Or even opposition and stubbornness.

I give in. You all are right, I can't fix or heal that. I need to love them. And I think Scarlett is on that same journey now. Some kids are easier than others but that doesn't make them better.

[unsinkable]

1 hour ago, MaeFlowers said:

 

I was thinking this, too. 

Scarlett has every right to her emotions. Watching someone struggle and make poor choices is frustrating. Not being able to help someone you love is frustrating. Even when you know it isn't their fault.

My advice. It's okay for you to be upset right now. You're watching someone you love struggle. You just have to own it and work through it. When you want to say something, vent to someone safe. Write a letter and burn it. Just get it out.  And though you shouldn't take it out on him, it is okay to say you are frustrated but you are trying to understand and work through your own emotions. It's healthy for you and will help your dss in the long run. When you suppress it and pretend like everything is okay, it still comes out. They will know.

 

 

Aside...my grandma's nickname was Mae. She spelled it like you!

Jumping off your point...

Someone can't make an addict quit or change. One can only control one's own choices. It gets crazy-making when one tries to control someone else.

[Scarlett]

31 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

You have said in the past that you would continue to buy stuff and allow the others, without a weight issue, to eat as they wish, and you would not change your buying habits.  And you have said before that you do buy things that are not diet friendly.  And you used the word suffering in the past.  If this stupid search feature worked better, I would link it, but I will google and see if I can find it.

And I said nothing about the doctor, but I am focusing on you and your attitude towards him.  You have started threads after threads after threads about him and his food and his weight, I am sure he knows what you think.

Many people here told me to keep trigger foods out of the house. I did resist that at first but gave in. So we don’t have junk at all. I guess that is why he has been drinking so much milk . 

Of course he knows how I feel because I have told him. But not currently. I just let him be. 

[Scarlett]

I guess I am not cut out to be a step mom

[HomeAgain]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Many people here told me to keep trigger foods out of the house. I did resist that at first but gave in. So we don’t have junk at all. I guess that is why he has been drinking so much milk . 

Of course he knows how I feel because I have told him. But not currently. I just let him be. 

Things my mother told me 20 years ago still hurt today.  I'm *still* not ready to forgive her.

If you think your glances, posture, and other body language don't give away how you still feel, you're going to find out eventually how someone else sees through what words you may or may not be saying.

[Tsuga]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I guess I am not cut out to be a step mom

Nobody is, it's super hard. That's okay. You can change because you love your kids.