Dad chops off teen's hair for getting highlights

[Katy]

This was on The Talk today.  I found it infuriating:

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5358247/Mother-says-daughters-hair-chopped-highlights.html

[Retired]

if its true and not a divorce mom getting using daughter for revenge the dad/stepmom.  It not consider abuse  but very  humiliating.  I'm a long hair women and would be devastated to have short hair unless it was saving my life (like chemo treatment) 

 

So I hope it was the girls decision although honestly it doesn't  look  any haircut a teen girl would choose so there is a case that the father did order the haircut and the step mom did the haircut.

 

I can't imagine a professional cutting a girls hair against her will  

[Tap]

Makes me wonder what was going on that the dad was punishing her for? Sounds like there is Waaayyyy more to this story.

 

 

When I was about 12 my sister was 18 and bored. We lived in a travel trailer and lived in 6 states in 6 years (not always in a trailer) so we were bored A Lot. My sister wasn't trying to cause trouble, she just didn't know better than to cut my hair without my mom's permission.  She cut my hair in an 80s feathered hair style. My sister is a big hair/makeup person so she was just having fun.  My mom was so pissed at my sister she told me she was going to 'even out the cut' and  turned around an cut my hair into a 70s pixie instead. I cried and cried. It was a year before the sides got any longer than an inch or two. I was stuck in between a battle with my mom and sister, but I'm the one who lost out. 

[Joker]

It doesn't matter at all to me what was going on between the parents. For one parent to force their daughter to cut their hair is wrong, period. It would definitely make me concerned about what else is going on and how the dad/stepmom may be making the daughter pay for things they don't like about the ex. 

 

Is there ever a good reason for something like this? I honestly can't come up with one. 

[Mary in VA]

I bet there is a lot more to the story.  I feel very badly for the daughter if she was forced to cut her hair, BUT I really think the mom made it much worse by making a Facebook page about it and blowing it all up for the whole world to know it.  She could have pursued the issue with authorities without making it a public matter. It really makes me wonder about the mom's motivations. 

 

Mary

[edelweiss]

It doesn't matter at all to me what was going on between the parents. For one parent to force their daughter to cut their hair is wrong, period. It would definitely make me concerned about what else is going on and how the dad/stepmom may be making the daughter pay for things they don't like about the ex. 

 

Is there ever a good reason for something like this? I honestly can't come up with one. 

 

 

That's where I am with this.  I read about this on another board several days ago.  I don't care what kind of drama is going on between the parents or what the girl may have done.  I can't think of any reason that chopping off a 13-year old's hair is acceptable.  

[MEmama]

 

 

I can't imagine a professional cutting a girls hair against her will

My mother used to make me go to her stylist, who insisted on giving me a pixie cut every single time. I would sob and sob but what could I do? Oh I hated it so much. The cut was so ugly and so against my wishes, and I was teased relentlessly for looking like a boy.

 

Wow, this is bringing up some bad feelings.

[Rosie_0801]

I bet there is a lot more to the story.  I feel very badly for the daughter if she was forced to cut her hair, BUT I really think the mom made it much worse by making a Facebook page about it and blowing it all up for the whole world to know it.  She could have pursued the issue with authorities without making it a public matter. It really makes me wonder about the mom's motivations. 

 

Mary

 

Pursued the issue with authorities? Authorities don't care about hair cuts.

[Jean in Newcastle]

People are using the Daily Mail as a legitimate source now? I don’t get my news from tabloids.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[JudoMom]

I bet there is a lot more to the story. I feel very badly for the daughter if she was forced to cut her hair, BUT I really think the mom made it much worse by making a Facebook page about it and blowing it all up for the whole world to know it. She could have pursued the issue with authorities without making it a public matter. It really makes me wonder about the mom's motivations.

 

Mary

I agree. The Facebook page makes me think the mom isn't innocent in this situation and the daughter got caught in the middle. It could be the Dad warned a haircut would be coming if highlights were gotten. We just don't know.

 

The mom taking the girl wig shopping rubbed me the wrong way, too.

[JudoMom]

Pursued the issue with authorities? Authorities don't care about hair cuts.

Except the dad and stepmom are on leave from the fire department because of the child abuse allegations, aka, the haircut.

[Scarlett]

My mother used to make me go to her stylist, who insisted on giving me a pixie cut every single time. I would sob and sob but what could I do? Oh I hated it so much. The cut was so ugly and so against my wishes, and I was teased relentlessly for looking like a boy.

 

Wow, this is bringing up some bad feelings.

So sorry.....

 

When I was 7 I had long hair.....my mom took me to a hair college....I know there is a better term but it escapes me....and they cut my hair into almost a pixie. Short shag. I was devastated. I cried and cried. My mom did not show me how upset she was. She said, it will grow. Only as an adult did I learn how furious and upset she was. ,

 

Hey it is probably why I have long hair at age 52!

[happi duck]

The solution to reversing highlights is not chopping them off.

[Joker]

For anyone wondering, it's not just a Daily Mail story. I actually saw it on my local news today as it happened in a neighboring state. A quick Google search brings up many sources. 

[happi duck]

So sorry.....

 

When I was 7 I had long hair.....my mom took me to a hair college....I know there is a better term but it escapes me....and they cut my hair into almost a pixie. Short shag. I was devastated. I cried and cried. My mom did not show me how upset she was. She said, it will grow. Only as an adult did I learn how furious and upset she was. ,

 

Hey it is probably why I have long hair at age 52!

Same!

 

Shag cut and tears at seven and long hair ever since!

Edited February 8, 2018 by happi duck

[Retired]

My mother used to make me go to her stylist, who insisted on giving me a pixie cut every single time. I would sob and sob but what could I do? Oh I hated it so much. The cut was so ugly and so against my wishes, and I was teased relentlessly for looking like a boy.

 

Wow, this is bringing up some bad feelings.

 

Your mom was a piece or work I'm so sorry.  She a naracisitic control person.  I can't imagine a professional gving a haircut to someoon crying unless its a toddler.  My youngest son hated haircuts and after a few disaster at salon.  I started cutting at home.

 

Just sorry.   I chose a short cut one time in 4th grade and then cried I hated it.

 

Hugs!! those childhood triggers. I've got a few of my own

[Annie G]

It's sad when parents divorce and then the kids get caught in the middle.  Divorce is hard enough on kids- it makes me so mad when parents make it worse by using kids to get back at the ex. I have no proof that this is the case here, but it's common enough to be a likely scenario. 

[Scarlett]

It's sad when parents divorce and then the kids get caught in the middle. Divorce is hard enough on kids- it makes me so mad when parents make it worse by using kids to get back at the ex. I have no proof that this is the case here, but it's common enough to be a likely scenario.

Good lord don't I know it. My dh's xw has made things very difficult and so many things Dh just had to take. Thankfully there were no daughters of their marriage...I think it would have been worse.

[Selkie]

Same!

 

Shag cut and tears at seven and long hair ever since!

Same here! My mom made me get my hair cut short as a kid and it looked awful, but she loved it. I look back at pictures and wonder what in the world she was thinking.

[Ravin]

Wow. That's right up there with my sister forcing her teenager to cut her hair short and bleach it to "treat" lice. (She shaved her own head and her son's...so it wasn't that she was picking on her, but there are better ways to treat lice!). That teenager no longer lives with my sister--she graduated early and when mom and little brother moved out into their own apartment, chose to stay with my other sister and her husband and daughter.

 

At a minimum, the father's actions were spiteful. The mother's could well be as well. No doubt the girl is stuck in the middle.

[SKL]

LOL I too had a horrible cut from a beauty college.  :P  I didn't get mad - I actually tried to like it - but my mom's disappointment was thinly veiled.  :P

 

I too have long hair now.  Hmmm.....

[Tanaqui]

(She shaved her own head and her son's...so it wasn't that she was picking on her, but there are better ways to treat lice!)

 

There aren't, actually, but I'd still try something less drastic first.

 

[Farrar]

I can't believe anyone thinks this was totally cool to do to a kid.

 

I'm not sure what the legal issues are if any (because I'm also a little dubious that any actual abuse laws could be violated by this - maybe something in a divorce agreement, but even that I doubt), but this is abysmal parenting. Even if mom and dad couldn't work it out, it's not the girl's fault that mom allowed her to do a totally safe thing that he didn't like. From the length of the hair, we're talking about a two year minimum consequence, I'd estimate. In what world is this decent parenting?

 

I'm horrified that so many posters apparently had mothers who did this to them as teens. My mother made me get a couple of haircuts as a young child that I wasn't really on board with. I don't think I'd do that to a six year old barring health or safety issues, but I can at least see that. I can't imagine thinking it's okay parenting to force a particular hairstyle on a teenager. That's just asking for a child to resent you later. Even if you somehow manage to make it happen, you're potentially ruining your relationship for decades, your future ability to see your grandchildren, your tie to the person who you hope will help care for you in old age. Maybe it'll all be fine... but a haircut is really worth that sort of risk? I mean, this girl may never forgive that dad. If that had been me, I would have held that grudge well into adulthood if I'd ever even considered letting it go.

[2_girls_mommy]

So honestly, if my dd did something I flat out said no to, I would think making her get them cut off might be reasonable. Hair isn't permanent.  We have a rule here to not pierce your ears until 12. It might be outdated, but it's our rule. I would have child take the earrings out and let grow in more than likely if she deliberately disobeyed me and got someone to take her to get them pierced before then.  I can see that it might be similar to that, except that it was her mother taking her. If dh took mine I wouldn't make her take them out. But I would be angry at him for doing something I wasn't on board with. In a divorce, things get crazy. But I don't think it's abuse to make a kid cut their hair. Men have made their boys cut long hair forever. 

[SKL]

Hmm, I agree it's only hair, but that does look really short.  Could be emotional abuse if the mom's side of the story is true.  As was said above, there is surely another side and I guess the authorities will have to figure it out.

 

I know of at least one mom who uses haircuts as punishment.  I don't really relate to that style of discipline.

[Wabi Sabi]

My first thought: 

How on earth did they even find a stylist willing to do the haircut? I'm imagining a girl having to physically be forced to go to a salon, and sitting there bawling as her hair is chopped off (and not done very skillfully, judging from the photos.) I do not necessarily love my teen's hair, and often wish he would cut/style it differently, but there is absolutely no way that any of the stylists we have ever seen would have even been willing to participate in such a thing. If my kid was sitting there, crying, and as the parent I was clearly being a jacka$$ about insisting upon it, I think any of the stylists/barbers we know would politely excuse themselves from the situation. 

[2_girls_mommy]

Well, I will admit I didn't read the article or look at the pictures. I was just thinking about a kid disobeying and what I might think was reasonable. :) 

[JudoMom]

I can't believe anyone thinks this was totally cool to do to a kid.

 

I'm not sure what the legal issues are if any (because I'm also a little dubious that any actual abuse laws could be violated by this - maybe something in a divorce agreement, but even that I doubt), but this is abysmal parenting. Even if mom and dad couldn't work it out, it's not the girl's fault that mom allowed her to do a totally safe thing that he didn't like. From the length of the hair, we're talking about a two year minimum consequence, I'd estimate. In what world is this decent parenting?

 

I'm horrified that so many posters apparently had mothers who did this to them as teens. My mother made me get a couple of haircuts as a young child that I wasn't really on board with. I don't think I'd do that to a six year old barring health or safety issues, but I can at least see that. I can't imagine thinking it's okay parenting to force a particular hairstyle on a teenager. That's just asking for a child to resent you later. Even if you somehow manage to make it happen, you're potentially ruining your relationship for decades, your future ability to see your grandchildren, your tie to the person who you hope will help care for you in old age. Maybe it'll all be fine... but a haircut is really worth that sort of risk? I mean, this girl may never forgive that dad. If that had been me, I would have held that grudge well into adulthood if I'd ever even considered letting it go.

FTR, I don't think this was a totally cool thing to do to a kid. I just have a feeling the kid was caught in the middle and I'm not impressed by the mother's actions after the fact any more than I'm impressed with the father's willingness to have the daughter's hair cut off. Edited February 8, 2018 by JudoMom

[Farrar]

Okay, so the mom allows the girl to get the highlights she wants even though she knows dad is against it - maybe even in part because she knows dad is against it.

 

Dad chops all the hair off to humiliate the girl and retaliate.

 

In what way could mom's actions be equally bad as dad's? I really don't see it. I mean, if she allowed her kid to get the highlights knowing it would needle him. Yeah, not cool. But also, nowhere near as bad. Like, not even in the same ballpark.

 

ETA: Also, mom's actions didn't affect dad directly. She allowed the kid to do something (and I think allowed is pretty fair from the kid's grin) - worst case scenario that she even hoped might annoy dad. Dad's actions were directed at the KID to punish and humiliate the kid. So different.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Farrar

[JudoMom]

Okay, so the mom allows the girl to get the highlights she wants even though she knows dad is against it - maybe even in part because she knows dad is against it.

 

Dad chops all the hair off to humiliate the girl and retaliate.

 

In what way could mom's actions be equally bad as dad's? I really don't see it. I mean, if she allowed her kid to get the highlights knowing it would needle him. Yeah, not cool. But also, nowhere near as bad. Like, not even in the same ballpark.

It's the throwing it all over Facebook that says to me there are deep issues on both the parent's parts. It feels to me like she is exploiting her daughter to get back at her ex.

[Farrar]

It's the throwing it all over Facebook that says to me there are deep issues on both the parent's parts. It feels to me like she is exploiting her daughter to get back at her ex.

 

Agreed on that. Though I don't know for sure. I mean, now the kid likely wants out of visitation and maybe they together agreed to do this. I sure as heck would have as a teen after this. In any case... still not as bad.

[Stibalfamily]

There are cute short pixie cuts for girls. This is a boys haircut. It's like her Dad was trying to make a statement. There are other ways they could have dealt with this, like, I don't know, dye it back to the original color. 

 

I think her mom putting this all over the internet, may in the end, be just as damaging. 

[amy g.]

There are cute short pixie cuts for girls. This is a boys haircut. It's like her Dad was trying to make a statement. There are other ways they could have dealt with this, like, I don't know, dye it back to the original color.

 

I think her mom putting this all over the internet, may in the end, be just as damaging.

And her hair was so pretty in the before picture. Who would do this to a child?

[Farrar]

The bolded is the assumption I am not making.  I can certainly see how that CAN be the case.  But my experience with crazy divorce and custody cases has me less than convinced that "dad chopping off all the hair to humiliate the girl and retaliate" is the actual reason for the hair cut. 

 

But what other reason is there for the haircut? Either he was trying to humiliate the girl because she did something he didn't like. Or he was trying to humiliate the mom because she let the girl do something he didn't like. Why else would he have forcibly cut her hair? I genuinely see no other reasons.

 

I mean, I know some people have floated that the mom did it and is lying to get at him... I mean... let's just all assume for the sake of argument it's not quite that level of nuts.

[Catwoman]

The bolded is the assumption I am not making. I can certainly see how that CAN be the case. But my experience with crazy divorce and custody cases has me less than convinced that "dad chopping off all the hair to humiliate the girl and retaliate" is the actual reason for the hair cut.

Whatever the reason, though, making the girl cut her hair was a childish, cruel, and petty thing to do.

 

If the father was so incredibly upset about the highlights, he could have insisted that the girl color her hair to cover the highlights. I would still think that was ridiculous, but forcing her to get a short haircut went way beyond a reasonable punishment.

[Sandwalker]

The bolded is the assumption I am not making. I can certainly see how that CAN be the case. But my experience with crazy divorce and custody cases has me less than convinced that "dad chopping off all the hair to humiliate the girl and retaliate" is the actual reason for the hair cut.

No he likely wanted to punish his ex-wife through the teenager, and the stepmother didn't stop him. Hair is a huge thing to women, getting it cut off forcefully is horrible--almost like losing a body part.

 

"Hair and beauty is a multibillion-dollar industry, and the average woman spends approximately $50,000 on her hair over her lifetime and almost two hours a week washing and styling her hair. This is not just because many of us believe that appearances are important, but also because our hair represents our personality, thoughts and beliefs.

 

For centuries, women have been able to play different roles by changing different hairstyles, and from their stories, we can see that hair contributes greatly to women’s self-esteem, actions and motives."https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5567365

[Soror]

It's just hair. Dad is an a**hole.

 

I don't care if the Mom went behind the dad's back, that is on the Mom, not the daughter.

 

What a control freak move, way to lose your relationship with your kid BUT if you want to be right more than you want to have a relationship, have at it.

 

I don't care for Mom's response but if the daughter was cool with it, then that is their choice.

 

 

[JudoMom]

Agreed on that. Though I don't know for sure. I mean, now the kid likely wants out of visitation and maybe they together agreed to do this. I sure as heck would have as a teen after this. In any case... still not as bad.

We'll have to agree to disagree on the last sentence :). It would be nice if one of her parents was capable of acting like a responsible adult, though.

[Catwoman]

Why assume the dad "made" the kid cut the hair? What if the kid told dad she hated it and WANTED it cut, but then mom got mad, so kid told mom dad made her so that she wouldn't get in trouble?

 

What if dad is mad but asked her if she wanted them cut out and she said ok because she didn't want to get in trouble.

 

Why assume that mom's post that "dad did this" is what actually happened?

 

I mean, this is not a false missile alert in Hawaii. There's not a lot of objective evidence here. This is mom's social media posts. It kind of reminds me of an episode of Orville with up votes and down votes.

The girl had beautiful hair and she looked very happy in the “before†picture.

 

I can’t imagine any teen girl intentionally getting the haircut in the “after†picture.

[Farrar]

I mean, it's the Daily Mail - there's no way to verify any of it. But that also means there's no way to have any kind of discussion if we assume every aspect of the story is not just one sided but an outright purposeful lie in other to retaliate against the other side.

 

The kid looks happy with the highlights, upset with the short cut. It's not a typical girl's short pixie cut, but more of a boyish style. I think it's occam's razor here, folks.

[Farrar]

The girl had beautiful hair and she looked very happy in the “before†picture.

 

I can’t imagine any teen girl intentionally getting the haircut in the “after†picture.

 

I know a teen girl with a haircut not unlike the one in the second photo. But she's okay with having a more masculine presentation and transitioned from another short cut. She never had a look anything like the girly first cut, that's for sure.

[creekland]

I'm so glad I don't give a hoot about hair.

 

To me, this is a "what not to do lesson in parenting" for my lads.

 

As parents, at some point we need to realize our kids are not pawns nor mini versions of us.  They are themselves with their own desires, etc.  We still guide them through their lives for a few more years, but we shouldn't micromanage.

 

I doubt that gal will have good memories of her dad, and pending the whole story, perhaps not many of mom either.  That will all depend upon how much she feels used in the middle vs how much mom's story is correct.

 

As one who was caught in the middle of a divorce as a youngster (from age 11 on), I really feel for that gal.  I can imagine the various scenarios that are going on.  I don't have much of a relationship with my dad any longer FWIW.  I haven't since I moved out for college.

[Retired]

http://fox4kc.com/2018/02/06/mom-says-teens-hair-was-chopped-off-as-punishment-2-firefighters-under-investigation/

 

A local news source says video is being investigated. They tried to contact the mom with no response

 

A professional hairdresser not the one doing the cut comment that it looked like a bad cut and a 3rd party was involved in this "who ever cut the hair" was at fault also.  

Edited February 8, 2018 by Cafelattee

[JudoMom]

I mean, it's the Daily Mail - there's no way to verify any of it. But that also means there's no way to have any kind of discussion if we assume every aspect of the story is not just one sided but an outright purposeful lie in other to retaliate against the other side.

 

The kid looks happy with the highlights, upset with the short cut. It's not a typical girl's short pixie cut, but more of a boyish style. I think it's occam's razor here, folks.

The Facebook page is Team Kelsey, and there's a link on there to a GoFundMe, if you want to check out the original Facebook.

 

Interestingly enough, it sounds like the daughter lived with Dad and stepmom and that's where her school is. I assumed she lived with her mom and the haircut happened on a weekend visit. Not saying the living situation makes the haircut more acceptable, it's still horrible parenting, but my assumption was wrong on the living situation.

[Katy]

I clicked through the first 5 stories I found when I googled this story, and the Daily Mail's was the most extensive, which is why I included it as the link.  The story is going viral, and was covered by CBS today.  Tomorrow it will probably be on Good Morning America & Today.

 

And to answer the question as to whether forcing a haircut is abusive or not, in most states a punishment meant to humiliate or cause psychological damage is undeniably abusive.  A father disliking a teen girl getting highlights (thinking it is too mature or attractive for a young teen) and then forcing her to cut it off because he's not ready to deal with her growing up is undeniably abusive.   It's simply less permanent than starving a child to keep them looking young.

[TechWife]

Pursued the issue with authorities? Authorities don't care about hair cuts.

 

It could be considered battery, which is harmful contact without a person's consent. The key would be if the "harmful" threshold was met, I think. Hair is a big deal to many people. In my state, for a foster parent to get a child's haircut, they have to have the consent of the birth parent, obtained through a social worker. In some cases, it is an automatic "yes" from the birth parent,  in other cases, the birth parents say "no" and use that to maintain some amount of control over the situation and/or the child. 

[Renthead Mommy]

I haven't had time to read all the posts, so this may be a repeat, but I read it as Mom did highlights, Mom took daughter "home".  Mom got daughter back next weekend and her hair was cut off. 

 

That says to me dad has primary custody.  Not saying what dad did is right, but I am betting Mom went and did it after dad already said no and primary parent. 

[amy g.]

I clicked through the first 5 stories I found when I googled this story, and the Daily Mail's was the most extensive, which is why I included it as the link. The story is going viral, and was covered by CBS today. Tomorrow it will probably be on Good Morning America & Today.

 

And to answer the question as to whether forcing a haircut is abusive or not, in most states a punishment meant to humiliate or cause psychological damage is undeniably abusive. A father disliking a teen girl getting highlights (thinking it is too mature or attractive for a young teen) and then forcing her to cut it off because he's not ready to deal with her growing up is undeniably abusive. It's simply less permanent than starving a child to keep them looking young.

Quoted for truth.

[Tanaqui]

So honestly, if my dd did something I flat out said no to, I would think making her get them cut off might be reasonable. Hair isn't permanent

 

You're right, it's not. That's why overreacting like this is so unreasonable. It's just hair. If the highlights are really a big issue, go back to the salon and get the hair redyed in the natural color. (But even that's more effort than I'm willing to put into this. It's just hair.)

 

[itsheresomewhere]

Another article says the dad was arrested for domestic violence 5 months ago. And they cut her hair because of lice.

 

Either way you look at it I call it- how to ruin the relationship with your child.