How to throw a present signal to your husband

[Carol in Cal.]

Yesterday DH and I went on a rare trip to the mall.

I showed him a purse I adore.  It was at the Nordstrom Rack, so it was deeply discounted.

In my world, this would be a glorious opportunity to sneak back there and snatch up a surprise but sure to be welcome present, since my birthday is next month.

In his, I am not sure.

We will see.

[Elizabeth86]

I'm very straight forward. This man doesn't take hints.

[bethben]

I email DH Christmas and birthday ideas. He’s not good with hints either.

 

 

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[Critterfixer]

If you want him to get you that purse for your birthday, I'd tell him that he should get out there today and get that purse for your birthday because it won't be on sale forever.

Why hint if that is what you want?

[SparklyUnicorn]

I just say what I want.  Look at this!  It would be an awesome birthday present!

 

 

[Jenn in FL]

Fun topic!

 

IME, it all depends on your relationship dynamic. What did you say about said purse? Did you clutch it tightly to your heart while waxing poetically about it or simply murmur a quiet comment?  Does your dh know how to read you? If he does know how to read you, does he generally respond to hints? If he doesn't know how to read you or isn't one to plan ahead, you might consider making a more direct comment or suggestion.  Perhaps way more direct!   :lol:

 

I  :001_wub:  my dh beyond words, but if I don't verbalize my thoughts surrounded by sparklers and blazing twinkle lights, he just won't pick up whatI I am laying down.  He is Mr. Black & White and I am Mrs. A Million Shades of Gray!

 

Keep us posted!  We are now invested!

[Carol in Cal.]

I hate and despise the 'your order please' form of figuring out a good present.  To me that is just lazy.  A good present should reflect your deep and loving knowledge of the other person, derived from your relationship and observations.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I mean if anything it might be a relief.  He won't have to come up with anything. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I hate and despise the 'your order please' form of figuring out a good present.  To me that is just lazy.  A good present should reflect your deep and loving knowledge of the other person, derived from your relationship and observations.

 

Yeah, and I want to ride a sparkly unicorn. :laugh:

[Cindy in FL.]

i’d have to tell my dh point blank what I wanted and then make sure he knew the best place and time to buy it.

[marbel]

In my experience, men don't take hints well.  I always advise women to be straightforward. In the store, I would say "I would like you to get this for me for Christmas, and I can even walk away from you and you can buy it right now; it's a great price."  After the fact, I'd send him a link to the purse and say "I would like this for Christmas."

 

Even if he took the hint, I can imagine someone forgetting exactly which purse is the right one.  You would remember, because you love the purse. If I were with you, and you showed me the purse, I might not remember which one it was, especially if there were a lot of purses and/or many of them looked similar.

 

ETA: birthday, whatever  :-)

Edited November 6, 2017 by marbel

[regentrude]

Tell him. "I really like this purse, it is a great deal, would you please get me this purse for Christmas?"

[marbel]

I hate and despise the 'your order please' form of figuring out a good present.  To me that is just lazy.  A good present should reflect your deep and loving knowledge of the other person, derived from your relationship and observations.

 

I get what you are saying, but careful there. Some people are not good gift-givers. Some people have tried mightily but always fail to please for some reason.

 

I have a deep and loving knowledge of my husband, but I struggle to find gifts for him. He's just hard to buy for, and he admits it.  We send each other Amazon links periodically with gift ideas.  Neither of us feels less loved because we had to give some specific gift ideas.  

[Arcadia]

Well my birthday is also next month and we went to Nordstrom Rack near Harvey Mudd yesterday. I would have blatantly said I wanted it. They have many nice Hobo bags there which reminded me of you. My husband was amused with the number of Nordstrom Racks near Harvey Mudd.

 

My husband rarely does surprises. He knows which model no and exact color of bags and coats that I am okay with. He takes photos of those I like. The SF Nordstrom Rack (9th St) next to Trader Joe’s is nice too with 3 hours free parking.

 

ETA:

We are at UCLA on a work trip. Only Nordstrom’s nearby. The Nordstrom Racks are further away.

Edited November 6, 2017 by Arcadia

[Jenn in FL]

I get what you are saying, but careful there. Some people are not good gift-givers. Some people have tried mightily but always fail to please for some reason.

 

I have a deep and loving knowledge of my husband, but I struggle to find gifts for him. He's just hard to buy for, and he admits it.  We send each other Amazon links periodically with gift ideas.  Neither of us feels less loved because we had to give some specific gift ideas.  

 

 

Beautifully stated.   :iagree:

[Artichoke]

I'd have said I'd really like the purse for my b-day and asked him purchase it then since it was at Nordstrom Rack and the stock changes quickly.   I used to hate doing this but have come to understand that dh isn't  good at hints or surprises.    He likes to buy things for me  but just doesn't think about it although he does bring me flowers and sometimes a magazine that he thinks I'll like.  

[maize]

"I would really love this as a birthday present. Hey, why don't I walk over to the next store while you get a birthday present for me." would probably be enough of a hint for many spouses. If that doesn't work, buy it yourself and ask him to wrap it for you.

 

I'm not a gift person, and really, really not a mind reader.

Edited November 6, 2017 by maize

[trulycrabby]

Buy it, wrap it, and tell him, "you got me a purse for my birthday. Thank You!"

 

That's what I have done for the past 25 or so years, and DH is always thrilled that he doesn't have to shop or think about what I might want.

Edited November 6, 2017 by trulycrabby

[Word Nerd]

Tell your adult daughter to tell her dad exactly what you want and where to get it, and then everyone pretend it was his idea all along (at least that's what worked for my mom a couple of years ago).

Edited November 6, 2017 by Word Nerd

[Artichoke]

Buy it, wrap it, and tell him, "you got me a purse for Christmas, Thank You!"

 

That's what I have done for the past 25 or so years, and DH is always thrilled that he doesn't have to shop or think about what I might want.

 

 

I can't go that far, but  have no problem with saying, " Dh, I'd like xyz for my b-day.  Is it okay with you if I pick it up? "   Usually, I buy it myself and then he has something small for me as well or a sweet card.    

[Jenn in FL]

Buy it, wrap it, and tell him, "you got me a purse for my birthday. Thank You!"

 

That's what I have done for the past 25 or so years, and DH is always thrilled that he doesn't have to shop or think about what I might want.

 

 

I have been doing this for about 28 years!  :laugh:   It works amazingly well for both of us. My sweet dh doesn't have to torture himself trying to figure out what in the world I might want and every present 'he' gives me is exactly what I was hoping for!

 

It works for us... :coolgleamA:

[maize]

I hate and despise the 'your order please' form of figuring out a good present. To me that is just lazy. A good present should reflect your deep and loving knowledge of the other person, derived from your relationship and observations.

But you are not hoping for a gift that reflects his deep and loving knowledge of you, you are hoping that he picked up on a hint you made in order to manipulate him into getting a specific gift. Being good at picking up hints has nothing to do with having a deep and loving knowledge of you. He could have been in the store with a woman he just met yesterday and if he were good at picking up hints he could have bought her the purse as a gift. Which would mean nothing other than that he is good at reading hints and was motivated to please the woman.

Edited November 6, 2017 by maize

[FriedClams]

I would have bought it and told him thank you. We're pretty easy going around here.

Edited November 6, 2017 by FriedClams

[JustEm]

Tell him exactly what you want

[regentrude]

I hate and despise the 'your order please' form of figuring out a good present.  To me that is just lazy.  A good present should reflect your deep and loving knowledge of the other person, derived from your relationship and observations.

 

Sure, but that could also come to a completely different outcome that truly reflects the spouse's deep insight but is not at all what you had in mind. I think these are two very different things.

[itsheresomewhere]

I just buy it and give it to DH to wrap.  DH unfortunately, is not that good in the gift giving department ( neither are his parents...).  I have learned this is the way to not get disappointed.

[Carol in Cal.]

Sure, but that could also come to a completely different outcome that truly reflects the spouse's deep insight but is not at all what you had in mind. I think these are two very different things.

 

But this would actually be better, because it would include that element of surprise that is necessary for the very best of presents.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I hate and despise the 'your order please' form of figuring out a good present.  To me that is just lazy.  A good present should reflect your deep and loving knowledge of the other person, derived from your relationship and observations.

 

 

Then buy the purse for yourself, let him know that you spent $x on it and therefore hope he'll pick out something small and sentimental or just a card instead of an elaborate gift.  

[Carol in Cal.]

Everyone, this is kind of a joke-ish thread.

 

If I were deeply invested in having that particular purse, I would just go buy it for myself.  I love it, and I showed it to DH.  If he did that to me, I would sneak back and get it for him, and he would love it AND be pleasantly surprised.  He doesn't love being surprised like I do.  To me, that is a big part of gift giving.  I want to surprise him with something that he doesn't even know he wants but is delighted to have.  So maybe he will get it and maybe he won't, but if he does, it will be a bit of a surprise and very welcome, and if he doesn't, I won't feel deprived either.

 

In his family of origin you get a list and you buy from the list.  You show your love by getting exactly what the other person wanted. 

 

This mismatch of gift-giving ideologies, LOL, has been an ongoing 'thing' that we have joked about a lot over the 30 years we have been married.

 

I could tell you stories...

 

 

 

 

[regentrude]

But this would actually be better, because it would include that element of surprise that is necessary for the very best of presents.

 

OK so BUY yourself the purse and see what he comes up with.

I fail to understand how giving a strong hint and having him act on it retains surprise.

[Carol in Cal.]

Does your husband usually give you gifts that make your heart sing?

 

If he does, then no worries, he's on the case.

 

If he doesn't, tell him what you want.

He's gotten pretty good at this over the years.

Except for the throwing knives, which struck me so funny that they worked great as a gag gift, even though that was not the intention.  (But seriously, that was 11 months ago, and I really need to either return them or try them out.  I guess.)

And I have gotten a lot better at not feeling like a stupid clerk if I just get him what he sent me the link to.

[Sarah CB]

I hate and despise the 'your order please' form of figuring out a good present.  To me that is just lazy.  A good present should reflect your deep and loving knowledge of the other person, derived from your relationship and observations.

 

Well, I can't wait to hear if he buys you the purse or not.

[Word Nerd]

I hate and despise the 'your order please' form of figuring out a good present.  To me that is just lazy.  A good present should reflect your deep and loving knowledge of the other person, derived from your relationship and observations.

 

Then buy it for yourself and let him buy you something that reflects his deep and loving knowledge of you.

[Carol in Cal.]

OK so BUY yourself the purse and see what he comes up with.

I fail to understand how giving a strong hint and having him act on it retains surprise.

Really?   Huh.

 

It's a surprise if I don't know it's coming.

 

It's a fantastic surprise if he finds a purse in that same color and stylist but a little bigger so it can hold a 13 inch Ipad, the only feature that I mentioned to him as missing in this one.

 

Either way, it's a surprise compared with me sending him a link and him dutifully getting me 'just what I wanted'.

[BarbecueMom]

I am a horrible gift recipient who dreads every gift giving occasion, so I'd just buy the purse or put it on my mental wish list. I'd honestly be a little disappointed if DH went back and got it for me, because until I actually purchased it myself, I'd still be weighing the pros and cons in my head. Fortunately, he gets it, because he's the same way!

 

Gift giving is like a waiter bringing your meal before you've completely decided what to order.

[Lady Marmalade]

The present signal to my husband comes in the form of my DD.  I take DD shopping to the stores DH is most likely to want to go to and I point things out to her.  

 

Then, when it's time for DH to do some shopping, he takes DD and she does a fabulous job steering him to the exact things I want.  

 

Win-Win for all because he thinks he's done a bang-up job shopping for me, and I'm not stuck with something I don't really like or want.  

[Jenn in FL]

I love this lighthearted banter...

 

But this would actually be better, because it would include that element of surprise that is necessary for the very best of presents.

 

I guess the element of surprise desired depends upon the recipient!  :laugh:  You are braver than I am...lol!

 

In my case:

 

Many years ago my amazing dh came home from a six month military deployment with a PURPLE alligator purse. Note: I have nothing at all against either the color purple or alligators, but the combination...   :svengo: it simply defies description.  That was also the deployment that yielded a gold necklace with my name spelled out in hieroglyphics.  :crying:  

 

Or the amazingly butter soft brown leather coat he thoughtfully picked up in Chicago at Marshall Fields in their boutique department that came complete with HUGE FLUFFY FUR non-removable collar...however, we live in FLORIDA and I would have been prepared for the Antarctic Circle.   :lol:

 

My dh and I now play a fun version of "What Did I Give You For Birthday/Anniversary/Christmas This Year?" and we laugh. Oh how we laugh... :party:

[HomeAgain]

If I see something that fantastic, I'd buy it myself.  I love dh, and he's well decent at picking out gifts.  And if he wasn't, if he was as bad as I am, I don't care. :lol: He could get me a paper bag and I'd still like it because it's from his thoughts. 

[DawnM]

Well, I would have had to grab the purse, take it up to the register, and say, "Look what you are getting me for my birthday!"
 

 

I am not joking.  He rarely gets it.

[Garga]

I've already bought 3 of my Christmas presents and handed them to DH to hide them from me and then wrap them and put under the tree.  

 

​Too many years where I got nuthin' for Christmas--nuthin'!  I took matters into my own hands.  No, it's not the same as him thinking of me while he's buying me something, but I don't care.  I hated the feeling of sitting there on Christmas morning and being the only person without a package to open.  So, now I get packages.  

 

I'm also ok with directly telling him what to get me, but if I'm already standing there, then I just buy it for myself.  If it's something that I'd need to order online, then I'll tell him I want him and ask him to order it for me.  But standing there at Nordstrom and holding the purse in my hand?  Yeah, I'd hand it to him right there and say, "For my birthday!  Cash register is that way!  I'll meet you in the food court!"

Edited November 6, 2017 by Garga

[Guest]

Yup. Blunt, preferably with links to the exact item.

Yup. I’ve totally done that. DH is not a hint-getter. If it isn’t a train coming right down the track, he doesn’t see it.

[Guest]

Well, I would have had to grab the purse, take it up to the register, and say, "Look what you are getting me for my birthday!"

 

 

I am not joking. He rarely gets it.

Right?

 

Over the summer, a friend’s husband threw her a surprise 50th birthday party! With catered food and out-of-state guests and a band and a fireworks show and her name spelled out in foil balloons! It was amazing. Not just because it was a fantastic party, but because he figured all that stuff out! The guy! i was like, “This would not occur to my DH in a million years!†I would be amazed if I got even a surprise *cake* and if he thought to invite my parents and my best friend, I would collapse from shock.

[Peaceseeker]

I have pretty much given up on my husband getting me something that I like (aside from jewelry- which he is fabulous at picking out but we can rarely afford these days). I think one year he got me a book on cats. Often he gets things he thinks are cool but I could care less about.

 

So now I just get what I want during the year and tell him not to worry about it. I pick out my own birthday and Christmas presents. For our anniversary, we usually go out. For my birthday, I say "look what you got me for my birthday". For Christmas, I usually pick out at least one thing for him to wrap and say it's from him and the kids. When they get older we may just stop exchanging gifts altogether with each other. He can get what he likes through the year and I can get what I like. I hate getting things I don't want or need as I am trying to be more minimalist in my life.

 

I think gift giving is just not my love language. I don't really care about getting presents (I don't mind giving them though). He doesn't seem to care much either so maybe we are just well matched in this area? I prefer acts of service. I can buy my own stuff but I love help with cleaning the bathroom or washing the dishes.

[Kassia]

My DH is a very thoughtful gift-giver when he has an idea, but otherwise he doesn't come up with anything and that's fine with me.  I buy my own gifts and wrap them for Christmas.  I wrap them early and, by Christmas, I've forgotten most of the stuff I've wrapped so I am still surprised!  :)

 

He's so wonderful to me all year - I don't care if I buy my own gifts. 

[Lady Florida.]

I tell him. He doesn't take signals or hints and told me so when we first started dating. At least he let me know right from the start so I wouldn't have unrealistic expectations. :)

[Ausmumof3]

I'm having a hard time imagining a handbag that could reflect a deep and loving intimate knowledge of who I am as a human being but hey! Different strokes.

Maybe one with a quote from a favourite book and a library card pocket and a section for dog treats ... Hmmm

[Liz CA]

I hate and despise the 'your order please' form of figuring out a good present.  To me that is just lazy.  A good present should reflect your deep and loving knowledge of the other person, derived from your relationship and observations.

 

:lol: Many men don't get it. Dh prefers a simple but clear list (emailed with links is very good :)) so nothing can go wrong. Now if you were talking to a woman, you would perhaps have a better chance of seeing that purse on your birthday or Christmas. But I don't know your man...let us know.

[Liz CA]

Maybe one with a quote from a favourite book and a library card pocket and a section for dog treats ... Hmmm

 

YES!  :lol:

 

[Lanny]

I prefer that when my wife wants something, like you want that Purse, that she tells me that's what she wants.    My theory is that if one can give someone what that person wants and will use and will enjoy, that's the best kind of gift to give them.  

 

ETA: Tell him ASAP and go back and buy it ASAP.

Edited November 6, 2017 by Lanny

[Night Elf]

Giving hints can sometimes go over someone's head which means hurt feelings for the person wanting the item. Why play that game? Simply show and tell. THIS is what I'd like. Then it's up to him to get it or not.