When a frequent guest is a picky eater

[Ginevra]

What is expected of the host (me)? DS17's gf does not like many - maybe almost no - vegetables. It's a little bit of a conundrum because I cook with lots of vegetables. I grant you, there's always pizza (except I need to make a separate just-cheese for her) or something like hamburgers, where she can just avoid side veggies. But I confess I'm a little puzzled as far as how much I'm supposed to cater to her and I feel like a bit of a jerk asking, "Do you like tomatoes?...How about green pepper? Mushrooms? Olives? Pineapples?" Apparently she doesn't like ham either. So I feel like everything I might make is frought with boobie traps.

[Ottakee]

Can she and your dad do some of the cooking when she is over? Then they can control the ingredients and you are off the hook for coming up with something she likes.

[prairiewindmomma]

Make whatever you would normally make. If she has no medical need for a special diet, she should suck it up and be polite.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Can't she just pick out or push aside what she doesn't like? I would cook "normally " but would not comment on it if she doesn't eat the vegetables that are offered.

Edited October 14, 2017 by Jean in Newcastle

[Anne]

If it were me, I would ask her what she does like to eat, and then I would make every effort to have some of that on hand.  

 

I would then do what Jean suggested - cook as I normally do and let her know that she is always welcome to help herself to the things you have on hand for her.

 

IOW, I would want to make an effort to have foods that she likes available, to show love to her by acknowledging her preferences, but I would not be willing to change my family's eating habits nor turn myself into a pretzel on a regular basis.

 

Anne

[Elizabeth86]

Most picky eaters I know are used to not liking what is served. I say make what you usually do, sometimes make picky eater food if you want to be nice. Does she complain? I agree to let her know she is welcome to help herself to something else if she doesn't like what you have.

[Guest]

Can't she just pick out or push aside what she doesn't like? I would cook "normally " but would not comment on it if she doesn't eat the vegetables that are offered.

For some things she could, but that would be hard for other things. Like, I made chicken fajitas last week (this was before I was aware of her pickiness), so I'm not sure if she just made her fajita with a preponderance of chicken and nearly nothing else or if she was suffering theough dinner, eating green peppers or onions or zucchini strips that she would rather not have done.

 

It just seems mean if, now that I know, I persist in making my very vegetable-y meals. I do want to be a gracious host, too. She wasn't a turd about it, but I only discovered it because I was asking what she likes on pizza and it turns out the answer is "cheese." So, I feel like, now that I know this, I don't want to intentionally make stuff that is full of the ingredients she doesn't claim to like.

[Catwoman]

If she was an occasional guest, I could understand going out of your way to only cook things she likes, but if you're talking about a few times a week, I think you should cook whatever you normally cook and let her deal with it. It's ridiculous to have to make separate meal accommodations for your son's girlfriend. She's not allergic; she's just picky.

 

If she's going to eat at your house on a regular basis, she might as well get used to what you cook.

 

Maybe that sounds mean, but I don't think your entire family should have to change their eating habits because your son's girlfriend is a picky eater. If she doesn't like what you're serving, she can go home to eat, or she can eat whatever parts of the meal she likes and not eat the things she doesn't like, and then she can have a snack later or something.

[Anne]

For some things she could, but that would be hard for other things. Like, I made chicken fajitas last week (this was before I was aware of her pickiness), so I'm not sure if she just made her fajita with a preponderance of chicken and nearly nothing else or if she was suffering theough dinner, eating green peppers or onions or zucchini strips that she would rather not have done.

 

It just seems mean if, now that I know, I persist in making my very vegetable-y meals. I do want to be a gracious host, too. She wasn't a turd about it, but I only discovered it because I was asking what she likes on pizza and it turns out the answer is "cheese." So, I feel like, now that I know this, I don't want to intentionally make stuff that is full of the ingredients she doesn't claim to like.

 

I appreciate your desire to be gracious, and if she was only eating with you once a month or so, that would be one thing.  But if she's eating with you once a week or so, it doesn't seem right to so drastically change your family's eating for one person.   I say, keep making your very vegetable-y meals, don't comment on her eating choices, and make sure she knows you completely understand your family's eating habits may seem weird to her and she's completely welcome to help herself to anything else she'd like and nobody will care or comment.

 

Anne

[Catwoman]

For some things she could, but that would be hard for other things. Like, I made chicken fajitas last week (this was before I was aware of her pickiness), so I'm not sure if she just made her fajita with a preponderance of chicken and nearly nothing else or if she was suffering theough dinner, eating green peppers or onions or zucchini strips that she would rather not have done.

 

It just seems mean if, now that I know, I persist in making my very vegetable-y meals. I do want to be a gracious host, too. She wasn't a turd about it, but I only discovered it because I was asking what she likes on pizza and it turns out the answer is "cheese." So, I feel like, now that I know this, I don't want to intentionally make stuff that is full of the ingredients she doesn't claim to like.

How about if you make sure she knows in advance what's on the menu for dinner, so if she doesn't like it, she will know that she should go home to eat dinner that night?

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

I don't think I'd worry too much about it. Cook what you normally do, she can pick out what she doesn't like. For a special event I might be more likely to customize to her preferences too.

[KungFuPanda]

I'd just make things with components so she can cobble together starch and meat and the rest of you can eat real food.

[EKS]

How about if you make sure she knows in advance what's on the menu for dinner, so if she doesn't like it, she will know that she should go home to eat dinner that night?

 

This.  Say "We're having X for dinner tonight, and we'd love to have you join us."  It gives her the food information up front and also gives her an out that doesn't involve saying that she doesn't like the food.

[happypamama]

You are very kind.  Since it's a frequent visitor (and you are building a lot of good will by trying to accommodate her), I would try to find a compromise.  Maybe try to make the nights she's there the nights where you do more MYO meals (like putting out all the toppings for fajitas or tacos or whatever in separate dishes so everyone can pick and choose) or nights with veggies on the side, as opposed to one pot meals with veggies all mixed in?  Or add a loaf of bread to the table, because at least she can fill up on that.  Maybe she's the type whom you could tell to feel free to make a sandwich, but even as sweet as my dear MIL is, I can't imagine feeling okay doing that at her house when I was a teenager (and I spent plenty of dinners there as a teen).  If she served something I don't like (and there are a few foods but not many), I'd eat a small bite or fill up on other things.

[Twolittleboys]

Well, I have picky kids and I try to not often make foods that I know they hate and try to make it so they can leave stuff off. When younger son didn't eat meat he would make hamburger just with buns, ketchup, salad, tomato for example. Or when we have tacos etc. one kid puts on cheese, sour cream, avocado and the other just tomatoes and lettuce (and both meat luckily). Just let her pick and chose (and maybe try to avoid things like vegetable stew if you are expecting her).

[Guest]

How about if you make sure she knows in advance what's on the menu for dinner, so if she doesn't like it, she will know that she should go home to eat dinner that night?

I was tending to think of it the other way, like ask what she would like to eat, or maybe saying, out of these options, which would you like. But it does sort of bother me in that it feels like it's...overly accommodating maybe? As you said, she's not an infrequent guest; she is usually here one night out of the weekend, so this is every week I have to figure this out. It's kind of cramping my style. ðŸ˜

 

Tangentially, we once had a couple-friend and the guy was a picky eater. Like, he would proudly brag, "Seriously, I only eat like four things." For a few months, we were having dinners with them and another couple but I ended up quitting because of that man! It was too strange to host them for dinner but feel like I could only cook according to that one guy's ridiculous approved foods menu. I even told the wife candidly - "Honestly, it's no fun to have your husband over to eat because I feel like I can't creatively make a pleasing meal. It's like his pickiness dictates the menu." It was the impetus to my own openness to trying more foods (not that I was very picky, but I was more picky then.)

[sassenach]

I make what I make, but have an open kitchen. They can eat a bowl of cereal or make a sandwich if they want. No shame. But I don't build my menu around them.

[almondbutterandjelly]

Make what you normally make, but perhaps serve it in sort of a buffet style of components so each person can assemble their meal to their preference, including your picky eater.  That would be kind. 

 

And yes, I'll bet with the fajitas, she did just put a bunch of chicken in there.  That's okay.  I'm sure it was tasty chicken. 

 

 

[Guest]

You are very kind. Since it's a frequent visitor (and you are building a lot of good will by trying to accommodate her), I would try to find a compromise. Maybe try to make the nights she's there the nights where you do more MYO meals (like putting out all the toppings for fajitas or tacos or whatever in separate dishes so everyone can pick and choose) or nights with veggies on the side, as opposed to one pot meals with veggies all mixed in? Or add a loaf of bread to the table, because at least she can fill up on that. Maybe she's the type whom you could tell to feel free to make a sandwich, but even as sweet as my dear MIL is, I can't imagine feeling okay doing that at her house when I was a teenager (and I spent plenty of dinners there as a teen). If she served something I don't like (and there are a few foods but not many), I'd eat a small bite or fill up on other things.

Yeah, this is what I'm thinking. I would have eaten a mayonnaise sandwich (i LOATHE mayo!) before I would have felt I could just go make myself a pb&j sandwich at my MIL's dinnertable. It's also just not something I ever allowed my kids to do and so it would most likely seem incredible to DS12 if a guest ate cereal while we all ate chicken fajitas, kwim? It's just totally out of the ordinary for our family customs.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Maybe you could ask your son to come up with suggestions.  My pickier than heck kid would be content with ramen noodles, mac and cheese, etc. etc.  So while he is a pain in a way, in a way he's also pretty easy to please.  I can make what I make and throw something easy together that he'll eat. 

[Catwoman]

I was tending to think of it the other way, like ask what she would like to eat, or maybe saying, out of these options, which would you like. But it does sort of bother me in that it feels like it's...overly accommodating maybe? As you said, she's not an infrequent guest; she is usually here one night out of the weekend, so this is every week I have to figure this out. It's kind of cramping my style. ðŸ˜

 

Tangentially, we once had a couple-friend and the guy was a picky eater. Like, he would proudly brag, "Seriously, I only eat like four things." For a few months, we were having dinners with them and another couple but I ended up quitting because of that man! It was too strange to host them for dinner but feel like I could only cook according to that one guy's ridiculous approved foods menu. I even told the wife candidly - "Honestly, it's no fun to have your husband over to eat because I feel like I can't creatively make a pleasing meal. It's like his pickiness dictates the menu." It was the impetus to my own openness to trying more foods (not that I was very picky, but I was more picky then.)

She's a 17yo kid. And she's not even your own kid. She shouldn't be dictating what you cook for dinner. If you know she loves a certain food and your family likes it too, that's great, but I don't think you need to be overly accommodating -- make sure your son lets her know in advance what you'll be having for dinner on the night she'll be at your house, and if she won't eat any of it, she can eat at her own house. I would think she would be able to find some part of the meal to eat, and you could put some dinner rolls on the table for her in case she only wants the meat but none of the vegetables.

 

Do you know what her favorite meals are? Can your son find out? Hopefully, she likes some of the same foods your family likes, and you can add some extra veggies and salads for your own family while still knowing that she will have something to eat. I don't think I'd compromise any more than that, though. You don't want to end up feeling like a short order cook in your own house.

[Guest]

Also, I also think it's important to me to not drive gf/bfs away or have them feel unwelcome. I do like for it to be our house that gf/bfs come to. And, though in this case it seems very unlikely, I do keep it in the back of my head that these people might continue to be there for a long while and could possibly be my DIL/SILs one day. So again, I make an effort to have gf/bfs feel welcome.

[Lady Florida.]

Do you know how her family handles it? I'd want to find out how she deals with it at home (and what her mom or the person who usually cooks does). You probably aren't going to do exactly the same thing but it can give you some ideas. 

 

Other than that I'd try to make things that aren't cooked all together, so she can just choose not to take what she doesn't like. I'd also talk with her about it. Be honest and say you aren't used to cooking for someone who doesn't like a lot of things (a nice way of saying picky lol), tell her you want her to enjoy meals at your home, and ask her if she has suggestions.

[Catwoman]

Also, I also think it's important to me to not drive gf/bfs away or have them feel unwelcome. I do like for it to be our house that gf/bfs come to. And, though in this case it seems very unlikely, I do keep it in the back of my head that these people might continue to be there for a long while and could possibly be my DIL/SILs one day. So again, I make an effort to have gf/bfs feel welcome.

The thing is, she's not unwelcome. You're inviting her for dinner. You're not having only a vegetable stir fry when you know she doesn't eat vegetables. You're having a balanced meal that your whole family can enjoy, and she can pick and choose as she pleases.

[Guest]

She's a 17yo kid. And she's not even your own kid. She shouldn't be dictating what you cook for dinner. If you know she loves a certain food and your family likes it too, that's great, but I don't think you need to be overly accommodating -- make sure your son lets her know in advance what you'll be having for dinner on the night she'll be at your house, and if she won't eat any of it, she can eat at her own house. I would think she would be able to find some part of the meal to eat, and you could put some dinner rolls on the table for her in case she only wants the meat but none of the vegetables.

 

[bDo you know what her favorite meals are? Can your son find out? Hopefully, she likes some of the same foods your family likes, and you can add some extra veggies and salads for your own family while still knowing that she will have something to eat.[/b] I don't think I'd compromise any more than that, though. You don't want to end up feeling like a short order cook in your own house.

This is what I'm going to do. I'll have DS find out what she likes and beyond that, I'll have a fail-safe option or two, like bread or rolls.

[bolt.]

I think I'd try to make my, from among my normal meals, things that are "separable" (with the unwanted parts easy to push to the side of the plate) or "assemblable" (where people choose from various options). I'd also stick to mainstream flavours (avoiding things like curry), and always have bread on the table.

 

I'd also make an effort to communicate to her that I don't mind what she eats and doesn't eat. Like, "Oh, dear, don't be shy. It's just fine for you to only eat the ingredients that appeal to you. What you can do is make a little pile of what you're not going to eat on the edge of you plate. Don't worry at all!" It's important that you seem to pay no attention, even if you are paying a lot of attention.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like she's still coming over despite the fajitas.  So I'm going to assume that she didn't find the peppers so off-putting.  I wouldn't like it if someone served me foods that were inedible to me (like overly spicy or something) but it sounds like she does know how to compensate if there are veggies that she doesn't like mixed in. 

 

I would feel weird if any host were to grill me on what I wanted to eat at every meal - I would feel like it was putting a spotlight on me and my food choices. 

 

The Make-your-own (or assemble your own) ideas are good.  Another idea is the meat, potatoes and two sides type of meal.  Then she can put chicken on her plate and potatoes if she wants and can leave off the salad or veggies.  I would make sure that you have at least half a pizza to be just cheese since you asked and that is a fairly easy thing to accommodate. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would also be appalled if someone told me that it was fine to push the veggies to the side, especially if I'm already doing it.  Again - spotlight. 

[teachermom2834]

I tend to let guests know that I dont want anyone eating something they don't like just to be polite. I would probably make regular meals (as long as there is a meat and/or starch and not just veggies). I'd make the chicken fajitas, throw in a little extra chicken, and let her know she is free to pick out the chicken if that is what she wants. Then I would set it up for people to serve themselves and I would pretend not to notice what she eats. I would probably make most meals things that are casual, serve yourself, and I would make no mention of what is being eaten. But I would not go out of my way to make special meals.

 

I was a picky eater at that age and it would have made me more uncomfortable to be continually asked if I would eat particular things.

 

I also want the gfs to feel welcome at my home. Food is not going to be a sticking point to me. I'd rather save that little bit of capital for curfews, or nixing road trips or whatever things are more important to me. I'll die on some hills but I will be a sweetie about a picky eater.

 

(That said, I totally expect my kids to eat whatever their girlfriends' mothers serve them. Lol)

[displace]

Also, don't assume she doesn't or does like X based on pizza topping preferences. I'm not saying she isn't picky, but some people like plain pizza.

[Guinevere]

My MIL bent over backwards trying to make food I liked, and it wasnt good for our relationship. I didn't want her to do that, and she took offense when I still didn't like it. In this set up, it is very hard for the picky person to be polite, because they are being watched and it is very hard to refuse good made just for you.

 

I was a picky eater when I was younger, but I couldn't articulate that some foods made me feel poorly. It turns out that I have a fairly sensitive stomach, and can tolerate different things on different days. I just need to be allowed to eat what I eat, and manage on my own. Sometimes, I'm quite happy to eat just rice or a roll because that's all I want. I think people who tolerate a broader range of foods sometimes think that those of us who don't are unhappy or are missing something. I'm not unhappy at all. I'll gladly eat and enjoy what I'd like, and I'm quite able to handle my hunger at different times.

 

So, I'd suggest you just add a plain carb as a side, and don't worry a bit if that's all she eats. I would have been much happier if mil had done that.

[Kassia]

I'm a very picky eater and I wouldn't want or expect others to change their meals for me.  I'm used to it and just deal with it.  OTOH, I do understand wanting to please her and make her feel welcome (I would feel the same way).  

[mumto2]

My whole family is considered picky by some standards but compared to some friends we are easy. ;) It sounds to me like she handled the fajitas just fine and may very well of enjoyed them hugely. My Ds ate fajitas I made last night and happily picked most of the veggies out and added loads of cheese. He loves fajitas but likes them his own way. I would let her stumble her way through whatever you normally make and not worry too much if she is happy doing it. Don't comment or call attention too her choices beyond noticing if there is something you could do easily to make her more comfortable. Perhaps set some salad aside etc. if she doesn't like dressing. I wouldn't worry, if she keeps coming she is happy with the situation.

 

The most I would do is ask her if there is something you can keep on hand in case you have a meal that she can't find something she likes. Bread goes quickly in our house so I could never guarantee a sandwich so I am thinking more along the lines of a can of soup or a frozen meal. Emergency food just for her that she can feel free to put in the microwave when needed. Believe me she doesn't want the attention.

 

Eta..my dc's both have "emergency" food that they eat if all else fails vin the house. I would tell her I was just adding her favorite to the stash.

Edited October 14, 2017 by mumto2

[Guest]

Also, don't assume she doesn't or does like X based on pizza topping preferences. I'm not saying she isn't picky, but some people like plain pizza.

I'm not making a leap; she admitted she is "kinda picky." And then I asked her mom about it when she came to pick her up and mom said yeah, she pretty much doesn't like any vegetables; she's picky. And then mom said the daughter is actually a less choosy eater than she herself is. Heh.

[Carrie12345]

Also, don't assume she doesn't or does like X based on pizza topping preferences. I'm not saying she isn't picky, but some people like plain pizza.

 

Yeah, I don't know how the conversation went down, but I always say "plain" when someone asks me about pizza.  I don't like vegetable texture on my pizza.  There are plenty of other things I do like on it, but it's just easier and cheaper, if ordering out/delivery to stick with plain.

 

I had/have picky eaters, and I myself only like a limited number of vegetables.  People don't go out of their way for us and we don't ask or expect them to.  Haven't starved to death or felt unwelcome yet!

[amy g.]

When I was that picky girlfriend, Dh took over. He made sure that he packed a few things I would eat before we went to his mom's house.

 

Then he told her that when I came over, he would either cook and clean the kitchen or he would take me out to eat.

 

That took all of the pressure off of MIL and off of me.

[Guest]

Please don't do this. That is not seeming to pay no attention, it is seeming to pay way too much attention. Who cares if she puts her veggies in a little pile or pushes them around and spreads them out to make it look like she ate some? Say nothing.

Yeah, I agree with this. I generally don't look at or comment on what guests eat. That's why I'm not sure how she fixed her fajita.

[Frances]

I think it's great that you want her to feel welcome and comfortable, but as a former picky eater, I would encourage you to keep cooking your healthy meals with lots of veggies and let her eat whatever she wants and not say anything. It was social pressure (rarely overt except sometimes with my husband's family for which I'm forever grateful) that slowly got me to try more and more foods and now I will eat just about anything. And my diet is way, way healthier.

 

Edited to add that I just read about the conversation with her mom and it sounds like there's a good chance she's not getting much exposure to things she thinks she doesn't like at home. Your regular yummy, healthy dinners with lots of veggies might just be the thing that opens her up to a much healthier and broader diet.

Edited October 14, 2017 by Frances

[Peaceseeker]

I think you are very nice to want to somewhat accommodate her, but I wouldn't over think it. For once a week I would alternately have a make your own pizza night and make your own taco night or something. Then your family can pile on the veggies while she eats meat and cheese. That is an easy night anyways. I am lazy so I might even make every time she came over make your own pizza night 😉

 

As long as your not making veggie fajitas or vegetable soup or salad only dinners I am sure she can find something she likes though, honestly.

[happypamama]

 

The most I would do is ask her if there is something you can keep on hand in case you have a meal that she can't find something she likes. Bread goes quickly in our house so I could never guarantee a sandwich so I am thinking more along the lines of a can of soup or a frozen meal. Emergency food just for her that she can feel free to put in the microwave when needed. Believe me she doesn't want the attention.

 

Eta..my dc's both have "emergency" food that they eat if all else fails vin the house. I would tell her I was just adding her favorite to the stash.

Okay, I think that's incredibly sweet.  I still don't know that I would have done it at my MIL's house as a teenager, but it would have meant a ton to me that she was treating me like a third kid and keeping a stash for me just like she would for her other two kids.

 

I'd probably ask her if there are things she does like, and then say, "You eat what you want, and don't worry about offending anyone."  And then leave it at that.  You've let her know that you're understanding about her pickiness but you won't be drawing attention to it continually.

[Catwoman]

Yeah, I agree with this. I generally don't look at or comment on what guests eat. That's why I'm not sure how she fixed her fajita.

Yes, and if people fix their own plates, there's no need for her to push vegetables aside or to try to make it look like she's eating things she doesn't like. It's embarrassing to have someone hand you a plate filled with food and you realize that there's only one thing on the plate you like. I'm sure this girl doesn't want to seem rude by not eating what you cook, and that's what it would feel like if you loaded up her plate for her instead of letting her serve herself. She'd spend the whole meal trying to figure out how to disguise the fact that she was leaving most of the food on her plate.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's cool of you to care.  For sure.  I bet she would not like to think you are worried about it.  I've been on both sides (maybe you have too).  It's awkward all around.  My MIL has always made such a fuss over me when I come and at first this was hard to take, but after awhile I realized she just really wants to do it.  So I just tell her.  Took a long time though.  I REALLY don't want to be a pain, but she REALLY wants to please me.  I'm not super picky, but the big thing is onions.  I can't eat them.  They are SUPER common.  So you can imagine. 

 

 

[Guest]

Yes, and if people fix their own plates, there's no need for her to push vegetables aside or to try to make it look like she's eating things she doesn't like. It's embarrassing to have someone hand you a plate filled with food and you realize that there's only one thing on the plate you like. I'm sure this girl doesn't want to seem rude by not eating what you cook, and that's what it would feel like if you loaded up her plate for her instead of letting her serve herself. She'd spend the whole meal trying to figure out how to disguise the fact that she was leaving most of the food on her plate.

Yeah, fortunately, we always serve dinner from the kitchen, buffet-style. I never, ever plate meals for others and we don't pass around food at the dining table. So, that is one good thing.

[Elizabeth86]

Also, I also think it's important to me to not drive gf/bfs away or have them feel unwelcome. I do like for it to be our house that gf/bfs come to. And, though in this case it seems very unlikely, I do keep it in the back of my head that these people might continue to be there for a long while and could possibly be my DIL/SILs one day. So again, I make an effort to have gf/bfs feel welcome.

That's a wonderful attitude! I'm sure you'll be a great mil. Mental note for the future.

Edited October 14, 2017 by Elizabeth86

[Guest]

It's cool of you to care. For sure. I bet she would not like to think you are worried about it. I've been on both sides (maybe you have too). It's awkward all around. My MIL has always made such a fuss over me when I come and at first this was hard to take, but after awhile I realized she just really wants to do it. So I just tell her. Took a long time though. I REALLY don't want to be a pain, but she REALLY wants to please me. I'm not super picky, but the big thing is onions. I can't eat them. They are SUPER common. So you can imagine.

Yes, I have been on both sides of it. I have mentioned this before on these boards, but this was the main reason I quit being vegetarian after a fairly short time in my twenties. I had no issue when I was making my own food; I didn't miss bacon or shrimp or whatever people always thought would be such a loss. But eating socially was too much pressure, whether my hosts/companions knew or didn't. If they learned I was veg and had only hot dogs or something, they were horrified they had not accommodated me. If they knew and made me special food, I was embarrassed they went to extra effort just to accommodate me.

[hornblower]

Yeah, fortunately, we always serve dinner from the kitchen, buffet-style. I never, ever plate meals for others and we don't pass around food at the dining table. So, that is one good thing.

 

I'd say just keep doing that and don't worry too much. 

 

For the pizza evening, do it as 'make your own pizza' and have smaller personal pizzas. Everyone picks their own toppings, shoves them in the oven, enjoys some salad and breadsticks while the pizzas bake. 

[mmasc]

I’m going to agree with going about your usual, with side things that would be ok, even if it’s just a roll. I’m going to give my opinion as the gf who was picky when I was dating my now DH. I always felt uncomfortable when my (now) MIL went out of the way for me at meals. I was vegetarian then, and it was just so awkward for me to have something extra done. Nice of her, sure, but I’d prefer it to not have been done. In your chicken fajitas example, I would have MUCH rather quietly eaten a tortilla with butter with NOBODY commenting at all. So I say make your usual, and make no comments at all about it. I agree with PP that if she’s picky, she’s quite used to not enjoying every meal served. :)

[mmasc]

Yes, I have been on both sides of it. I have mentioned this before on these boards, but this was the main reason I quit being vegetarian after a fairly short time in my twenties. I had no issue when I was making my own food; I didn't miss bacon or shrimp or whatever people always thought would be such a loss. But eating socially was too much pressure, whether my hosts/companions knew or didn't. If they learned I was veg and had only hot dogs or something, they were horrified they had not accommodated me. If they knew and made me special food, I was embarrassed they went to extra effort just to accommodate me.

Yes! That’s exactly what I was trying to say in my post. Seems we had similar experiences in that. ;)

[Alice]

I was a very picky eater as a kid and teenager. I just preferred my host to not make a big deal of it. If I didn’t like something I would say “No thank you†and just not eat it. I never knew what to do if they asked me what I liked because I didn’t want them to change what they were doing to accomodate me but I also didn’t want to eat stuff I didn’t like. I think the best thing you can do is to make what you would normally make, adapt as able (if you can have one cheese pizza do it...that’s fairly easy), and not make a big thing of it if she doesn’t eat whatever you all are having. 

 

It reminds me of the time I went home with my college boyfriend to visit his family. His Mom (unknown to me) asked him what I liked to eat. The only thing he told her was “lemonâ€. We had lemon-flavored everything that weekend. Lemon muffins, lemon chicken, lemon bread, asparagus with lemon zest, lemon-citrus dressing. I thought it was so weird (although tasty). It wasn’t until later that I found out why everything was lemon and then many years later when I was older that I thought about how that poor woman must have been desperately trying to figure out what to feed me. 

Edited October 14, 2017 by Alice

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yes, I have been on both sides of it. I have mentioned this before on these boards, but this was the main reason I quit being vegetarian after a fairly short time in my twenties. I had no issue when I was making my own food; I didn't miss bacon or shrimp or whatever people always thought would be such a loss. But eating socially was too much pressure, whether my hosts/companions knew or didn't. If they learned I was veg and had only hot dogs or something, they were horrified they had not accommodated me. If they knew and made me special food, I was embarrassed they went to extra effort just to accommodate me.

 

Food has become ridiculously complicated!