when your house rules keep family away

[Spryte]

I'd look for a compromise, maybe offer to help pay for a hotel for the dog owner. Though I can see that might not work and wouldn't feel normal if this is a visitor who normally stays in your home.

 

I'd hope that the visitor can help find a solution because people are more important than pets. I bet your kids are feeling the loss, and that makes me sad for them.

 

Here, we don't allow serious allergens in our home. So, for us, we can't allow cats (which have landed DS in the hospital twice) but we can allow dogs, because that allergy is manageable. But we actually own dogs, so this is a no brainer. People don't travel with cats so much, so this is easier for us to enforce. We did have to curtail visits to my mom, for years. It was hard, and sad, but she understood. She eventually moved into a cat dander free home and rehomed her cat, so we can visit her again. The other grandparents did the same, or we'd not visit them either. Oh, and birds or rodents - we can't visit if there are birds or rodents, either. It is sometimes hard to have to ask friends or family if they have cats, birds or rodents, and tell them that DS can't go into their home if they do. It's more of a health issue though, than a personal preference.

 

We don't allow anything that can kill one of us, basically. :) So our house is cat, peanut, tree nut, sesame, lentil, banana, avacado, and gun free. The gun issue honestly never came up till recently, but last Halloween we had an issue with a neighbor wearing guns as part of his costume and a friend's child thought it was a toy and tried to play with it. That neighbor hasn't been invited back, I think he's not responsible enough with weapons.

 

ETA: we also have no smoking and drugs. We don't know anyone who does either, so it's never come up.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Spryte

[Janeway]

I read your title as "rules TO keep family away." LOL 

 

Seriously, unless your rules are bizarre, like my MIL's demands (I wouldn't call them rules as they were never the same) then you should just keep your own rules. Other than my MIL, I have never had a problem with anyone's "rules" when visiting. That is just simply manners.

[Janeway]

The thread about rules regarding non married couples sleeping over got me thinking about how we all have a rule or two that someone else in the family might not like or agree with.  How often do these rules keep those family members from visiting you?  Is it worth it in the end, for the people who choose not to visit?  In the bf/gf sleepover thread, would your adult child have quit coming to see you if their bf/gf couldn'tl sleep in the same room as them?

 

I'm experiencing something like this right now where DH and I have a 'no dogs in the house' rule, and a close relative (and new dog owner who is smitten with their dog and won't leave their dog with anyone else in the world) won't come visit us unless they bring sweet pooch with them.  They've asked many times and tried to coerce us in many ways which has been annoying.  They just couldn't take the 'no' the first (or tenth) time they got it.  So now... who knows when we'll see them again!  I am more limited in my schedule for visiting them, and anyway, they've come to see us about twice a year as a habit.  But now with the new darling doggie, we might not see them at all until we go to them.  FYI the dog is never left alone. She is carried in a carrier literally everywhere they go... flights, restaurants, shopping, work.

 

So, yes, I'm disappointed in how things turned out, but DH and I don't want to change our rule, and they don't want to leave their doggie.... anyone else experience this type of thing?

Also, I would not feel bad about the pet owner not being allowed to bring the dog. That is a reasonable rule. Visit with them elsewhere. I do not feel the need to have every single person visit my home. My MIL cannot follow my rules so we only see her away from our house. Used to anyway. She is on CO now. But even before CO, she was not welcome here. The rules were simple...don't beat the children, don't take the pictures off the walls or the curtains down, etc.

[meena]

I'm afraid this might be an issue for us in the future. We don't allow any alcohol in our home (not even a beer or glass of wine), for various personal reasons. We want to start hosting a regular gathering/fellowship/meal time for people in our church and community, but I'm afraid that it will turn people off that we don't wish to allow any alcohol. I'm afraid they'll think we are being legalistic, when in reality our reasons are not religious or philosophical but instead based on personal background and feelings.

 

Editing to say: I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm also afraid we'll get the reputation as the boring/uptight house where no one can kick back and relax.

Edited July 6, 2017 by meena

[JustEm]

Upon further thought I guess we do have the no smoking rule, which for me would go as far as no smoking on my property (I do not want to smell it coming into my windows or have to be stuck in a room with you right after you smoked.) But we don't have anyone in our family who smokes. I have one friend who smokes but I knew her for over a year before I found out because she does not smoke around nonsmoker's so our unsaid rule was never an issue when she came over.

[goldberry]

I have smoking family members, and they know no smoking in my house.  They go outside.  Really, if they demanded that they be allowed to smoke here or not come, it would be more about the person and lack of mutual respect than about "rules".  

 

I would not allow DD to sleep with a boyfriend here, even if she was an adult and not living here, just visiting.  But she knows our family values and respects them.  She wouldn't expect any differently.  If they have to sleep together in that situation, I would assume they would get a hotel.

 

The few "rules" we have are important to us and easily respected.  Therefore, if someone can't respect them, I would question whether or not THEY really valued the relationship.  Respect and value should be mutual, not one-sided.  

[Janeway]

My brother refused to come because he would want to bring several of his inlaws and sometimes, even an occassional homeless person. I told him he can bring his wife and her kids and even grandkids, but no friends of the kids, friends of him, or his inlaws. I had to start saying this when I was having a dinner where I was serving a nice meal. The total list of people invited was about 7 people. His wife's kids are all grown so were not coming, but they were welcome. He wanted to bring two homeless people he had staying with him plus a bunch of his inlaws. We are talking an additional 10 people invited about one hour prior to the meal being served. I did not even have that much space to seat everyone let alone enough food for all that. The table was already set. So he refused to come and then he called the other guests and made up some story to them and they cancelled. The only other guests were our sister and her two kids and our parents. Whatever. His choice. 

 

It is extremely rude to bring a dog to anyone's house. It is pretty much rude to even ask. 

[Seasider]

I really dislike dogs. My fil spoils his dogs, let's them sit on furniture, lick plates, etc. He had zero understanding that some people don't like dogs, don't want to be licked or smelled. So, there were several years that he didn't visit us (MIL did) because we didn't allow his dog. They now have a neighbor that watches the dog so he will visit now. Oh well, if he wants the damn dog to be more important than his grandkids, that is his choice.

Sad, isn't it?

 

We experienced this in reverse. I couldn't take my small children to my mother's house because she couldn't control and refused to kennel her ferocious spoiled lap dog (or even put it out in the yard for more than 5 minutes). This dog hated kids and was actively aggressive towards them. It was a huge roadblock in her relationship with her grandkids, compounded by the fact that she didn't like to travel on interstate roads and would not come visit at our house, where we would not have allowed that mean little creature.

 

And I do like dogs. But not that one!

[Seasider]

We are facing a grandma who wants a new dog, but will only get one if we allow it to visit. It's driving me crazy. Two of my kids have randomly been bitten by dogs and we have a cat and I don't really want a dog in my house. But more than that, it feels insensitive and a bit manipulative. I'm not sure why dog owners make this a hill to die on sometimes. Grandma sure can get a dog and have a neighbor watch it (as she did with her previous dogs). I don't want to hear about how lonely Grandma is, but how she can't get a dog b/c we won't let her bring it after 13 years of previous dog ownership where this wasn't an issue. Why am I the problem here??????

Yeah that's wrong. You are surely not the problem.

[meena]

We have the opposite dog problem. My IL's told us that if we got a dog, they'd never come to visit us. It didn't matter if the dog was well behaved, crated when they visited, etc. We actually hesitated getting a dog for a long time because of that. Now we are older and wiser, and have not one but two dogs. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I allow dogs to visit, but not people.  ;)

 

:laugh:

[rocassie]

We have only two or three deal-breaker rules.  One of those is no smoking in the house, but we did provide an ash tray and place outside with chairs for those that smoke.  The other is no pets in the house, but again we had a place outside in the shade and they could house them overnight in the garage if they wanted.  So far no issues other than a friend choosing not to stay overnight due to the pet rule, but they were more than happy to come over for a few hours.

 

When DH and I were dating both our parents had a no sleeping in the same bed rule.  For us, not a big deal to be in separate rooms/sleeping spaces for a few nights.  It doesn't harm or hurt us in any way.  I prefer to be respectful of the rules someone else has in their home even if I were to think it silly.  Only if said rule is harmful or a severe inconvenience would I choose not to stay overnight. 

[Anne in CA]

We are facing a grandma who wants a new dog, but will only get one if we allow it to visit.  It's driving me crazy.  Two of my kids have randomly been bitten by dogs and we have a cat and I don't really want a dog in my house. But more than that, it feels insensitive and a bit manipulative.  I'm not sure why dog owners make this a hill to die on sometimes.  Grandma sure can get a dog and have a neighbor watch it (as she did with her previous dogs).  I don't want to hear about how lonely Grandma is, but how she can't get a dog b/c we won't let her bring it after 13 years of previous dog ownership where this wasn't an issue. Why am I the problem here??????

That would make my blood boil. 

[Dmmetler]

True, but honestly, I would vomit if I tried to eat with a snake in the booth next to me.

It would also be stressful on the snake. They're not social animals who like being out in public. Snakes used for education need to have very limited time "on stage" and you have to juggle their feedings because it is hard on them. Our snakes each are out about 2 hours/month.

 

Having said that, snakes have shown promise as therapy animals for kids with allergies, particularly on the autism spectrum, and for teens with self-injurious behaviors and depression. But that's 'bring the snake to the person", not "take the snake with you everywhere you go.

 

I am still waiting for the first report of an emotional support tarantula.

[vonbon]

They've asked many times and tried to coerce us in many ways which has been annoying.  They just couldn't take the 'no' the first (or tenth) time they got it. 

 

This is what I don't understand about (some) people...Why can't they just hear and understand a boundary the first time?  Once someone treads all over a boundary I'm trying to establish, I just give up.  

 

And then the coercion thing.  That just pretty much causes me to wall up and say no to any further possible requests.  I avoid people like this.  Maybe not the best solution or the most adult solution, but I don't seem to be able to handle coercive types.  It's like we're never going to be able to see eye-to-eye because they can't respect boundaries.

 

It seems like some people are very "thick" in this regard.  Like it takes being extremely direct, outspoken, and bordering on what I would consider rude, just to get some people to respect the boundaries of others.  

 

What am I missing?  Someone please enlighten me, LOL!  

[Mrs.Wilson]

We had a similar situation as you.  My sister and her family were coming here, from out of state, to find property.  They would be here for a week.  My husband is not a dog person, especially chihuahuas.  For some reason he really hates them.  We agreed that they could stay with us, but could not bring their dogs.  When my bil said they won't be staying with us if he can't bring his dog (claims it's a therapy dog) I talked my husband into changing his mind.  I wish I hadn't done that.  

 

We set up some rules for them.

 

1.  The dogs (yes, they have two chihuahuas) had to stay on a leash at all times when outside.  If they needed to be off the leash we could build a pen for them.  We have free ranging ducks, geese, and chickens.  Not to mention we have cows, but I doubt the dogs would go chasing them.  The moment they got here my bil took his dog outside.  He came back in and said he let it off the leash and it didn't chase any of our animals.  The last day they were here he said the dog chased some of our chickens, "but only to get them away from where you didn't want them to be".  Ummm My chickens free range.  There isn't an inch of this property I don't want them to be.  

 

2.  The dogs are not allowed on the furniture.  Of course they didn't just let the dogs on the furniture, but would say, "They aren't on the furniture.  They are on me."  Not to mention the dogs snapping at my children, because they weren't used to small kids.  So, my kids had to away from them since they aren't kids friendly.

 

3.  No smoking in the house.  So, he smoked outside and left his cigarette butts on the ground.  

 

Not to mention me having to constantly pick up after their three teenage kids.  And, the conversation I had with my bil about how I was trying to cut out pork to see if that was the cause for some allergy problems I was having.  Then he offers to make us dinner and cooks a pork roast with no alternative protein.  I kept my mouth shut for everything except for my bil's constant cussing and dirty jokes.

 

Needless to say, when they needed a place to stay until their house was built we did not offer up our home.  Since they moved here a year ago we've only seen them twice.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Mrs.Wilson

[mamaraby]

We have the opposite dog problem. My IL's told us that if we got a dog, they'd never come to visit us. It didn't matter if the dog was well behaved, crated when they visited, etc. We actually hesitated getting a dog for a long time because of that. Now we are older and wiser, and have not one but two dogs.

Lol, pretty much the same here. My MIL lobbied hard against us getting a dog. How dare we when she visited us here once a year and thought it was just a terrible idea. Apparently our cats were bad enough, but the dog was just a bridge too far!

 

Lady, you live three states away and your son is in his 30s. In what workd do you think you get a say? Heh, she's never visited since and I can't say as I'm sad about it.

[Junie]

I relented on my no pets in the house rule after I saw how well-behaved my brother's dog is.  My brother understands that I have allergies, so he was willing to leave his dog outside.  She stays on her pillow for an hour or so until my brother takes her out for a run, and then lies back down for another hour.  I only remember twice that she got up and walked over to the living room with the rest of the family.  Her name is similar to the name of one of my daughters, and the dog misunderstood.  ;)

 

 

[Pam in CT]

If a guest ever *did* start to smoke or use illegal drugs in my house, or openly carry I suppose I would explicitly state a "rule," but it's never come up.

 

We have a pretty impairing cat allergy in the family, but no guest has ever wanted to bring a cat.

 

Our dog is *generally* good with other dogs, but occasionally the dog-chemistry is off or ours gets a bit territorial about his dish or favored toy or whatever... so we separate them and carry on.

 

There's a handful of foods we don't have in the house, but if I'm the hostess I'm the one doing the shopping, KWIM?

 

 

As a general matter, I count flexibility among my most highly-valued virtues.  If I cared about the relationship I would try to find a way, as hostess.

 

 

And, conversely, as guests... we have a vegetarian among us and we all have faith-based dietary restrictions, but I wouldn't expect others to limit their diets based on ours; we'll figure out something to eat.  On long road trips we do often travel with dog (because dog is counted as part of the family), but if dog doesn't work for whatever reason we'll share a meal and stay in a Sheraton.

 

 

 

 

[Junie]

Oh, and ITA that the respect needs to go both ways.  When I was in college I visited a relative for a weekend.  She had rented a movie that she KNEW would offend me, and then tried to shame me because I wasn't spending time with her.  (I had chosen to read in another room while the movie was on.)  I turned the tables on her and told her that she was the one at fault because she purposely rented that movie, even after she knew I was coming.  She told me that if I loved her I would watch the movie with her.  I told her that if she loved me she wouldn't expect me to.  

 

She saw my point and the relationship wasn't ruined.  :)

[eternalsummer]

This is true, but in all of these cases, these are also things that would make me not want to be in a relationship with them anyway. So it wouldn't be about the house rules, it would be about who they were as a person. If they are doing something that terrible I don't want them around me ANYWHERE, not just in my house. (well, other than open carry, I think that's a safety issue not a personality issue...although I suppose someone unwilling to lock up the gun for a few hours while at my house probably WOULD have personality issues. I know tons of open carry people and none would carry as a guest if it wasn't allowed.)

 

Well this is a problem for us, because some of our beliefs are as firmly held as yours about the ones I mentioned; to us, it is truly terrible to eat factory farmed food.  As terrible as wearing a Klan uniform.  Maybe more terrible.  And yet every person we know does it; every member of our extended family.

 

So it is hard to just say, well, I won't have a relationship at all with people who are like this, because then we would be even more isolated than we are.  The compromise *is* just not allowing it in the house.

[FaithManor]

Father in law did not visit for years because we would not allow his dog in the house. It was a notorious biter that had caused two adults and a grandchild to get stiches, yet he kept pampering it and trying to insist everyone out up with it. He was invited no where for seven years when the thing bit the UPS man and he had to put it down in order to avoid a lawsuit.

[QueenCat]

My brother refused to come because he would want to bring several of his inlaws and sometimes, even an occassional homeless person. I told him he can bring his wife and her kids and even grandkids, but no friends of the kids, friends of him, or his inlaws. I had to start saying this when I was having a dinner where I was serving a nice meal. The total list of people invited was about 7 people. His wife's kids are all grown so were not coming, but they were welcome. He wanted to bring two homeless people he had staying with him plus a bunch of his inlaws. We are talking an additional 10 people invited about one hour prior to the meal being served. I did not even have that much space to seat everyone let alone enough food for all that. The table was already set. So he refused to come and then he called the other guests and made up some story to them and they cancelled. The only other guests were our sister and her two kids and our parents. Whatever. His choice. 

 

It is extremely rude to bring a dog to anyone's house. It is pretty much rude to even ask. 

 

I can see him wanting to bring the homeless people that were currently staying with him as they were a part of his current household but it would be something to touch base with you about in advance, not an hour before. Unless they literally just  moved in with him. What a kind soul he is to give a place to live while they are having a hard time. Just what Jesus would do, welcoming them into his home. But the extra inlaws and such, that don't live with him & weren't part of the initial invite, that's kind of wonky.

[Crimson Wife]

I'm generally supportive of "your house, your rules" except when the host/hostess decides to insist on feeding my gluten intolerant child food that contains gluten. :cursing:  We no longer visit those people and I have to watch them like a hawk when we are guests at the same social event.

 

Said child was diagnosed "failure to thrive" until we figured out that her body was reacting to gluten. I'm not some crazy Californian yuppie who is following a bandwagon. Believe me, I would *RATHER* be able to give her a gluten-containing diet.

[mathnerd]

How often do house rules keep a guest away? Not often enough, unfortunately. ;)

 

I so wish that my house rules will keep the rule Violators away. They throw a scene, yell at me (NPDs), storm out of my house and then, they are back again, because we are all "family" while I was hoping that they will keep their promise and stay away for good ;)

 

My house rules are that no one gives sugary food to my son without checking with me and no one does any religious preaching or evangelism to my son without checking with me. Both rules get violated by a certain violator within the first hour of them setting foot in my house. My DH wants to smile, nod and move on with our lives when they visit. I think that after years of explaining, the rule violating is their way to show me that what I want is not very important to them. So, our family is very dysfunctional and people stay away and blame me for it, I sigh a breath of relief and then, there is a phone call that they are arriving in a week to spend time with their grand child yet again. The cycle repeats infinitely.

[scrapbookbuzz]

  I have an acquaintance who hasn't seen her own dd for two years because the only way their dd will visit is if she and her boyfriend can bring their two dogs.  My acquaintance doesn't allow dogs in their house.  So, they haven't seen their dd.  

Personally, i think this is highly selfish on her dd's part. You'll ONLY visit your own mother ONLY IF you can bring your TWO dogs? Sounds like her DD needs to GROW UP and realize the world doesn't revolve around her. Does dd make the same claim to her boss when she has to go to work? Not likely. There are such things as pet sitters and boarding facilities for pets.

 

Now to the actualy topic of this thread . . .

It's YOUR house, YOUR rules. If someone wants to visit but can't abide, for a few days, by your rules, that's really their issue. Someone mentioned it's more important to maintain the relationship than remaining steadfast in your rules. I disagree. You have your rules for a reason. A relationship is a two way street - guests can respect the rules of another's house, or just don't stay there.

 

On a grander scale, think of your country as your house. There are rules in place for a reason. What if a guest or two come to visit and then decided your country's rules aren't important? This kind of "mold" grows exponentially. Rules exist for a reason. If someone doesn't like the rules, they can leave. Or just not visit. But I think it's highly rude for anyone to expect the host to change the rules of their own house just to accomodate an occasional guest.

[Crimson Wife]

 

Now to the actualy topic of this thread . . .

It's YOUR house, YOUR rules. If someone wants to visit but can't abide, for a few days, by your rules, that's really their issue. Someone mentioned it's more important to maintain the relationship than remaining steadfast in your rules. I disagree. You have your rules for a reason. A relationship is a two way street - guests can respect the rules of another's house, or just don't stay there.

 

I agree in general but disagree when the rule is "you will eat what is served to you" and the host/hostess insists on serving food that causes health problems for the guest.

[Catwoman]

I guess we have a no smoking rule, but we don't know anyone who smokes so it's not an issue. We don't have any family members who visit who would bring pets so that hasn't been an issue either. We have a dog so I guess if someone asked, we would consider the idea but I wouldn't be thrilled about it. Ds is allergic to cats so we would have to say no on that.

 

I agree in general that the rules of the house should be respected. Someone who is visiting is a guest, even if it's family. In an ideal situation both host and guest should do what they can to compromise but it seems unreasonable to expect people to completely change a house rule (like no dogs) for someone who is visiting and who has other options (hotel, kennel the dog, get a dog sitter, etc)

 

We have had the unmarried couples issue come up in our extended family. SIL is single and lives in a very large house. She is strongly opposed to unmarried couples staying together in bedrooms in her house. We have several nieces and nephews who are living with their partners. SIL has made a stand that they cannot stay with her. One niece is getting married this fall to her long time boyfriend (who she lives with). He has relatives (including his Mom and her long time boyfriend) coming to the wedding who are in unmarried relationships and they asked SIL if they could stay at her house since it's very large. (As an aside she bought the house from her siblings when their father died, primarily in order for it to remain a "family house" where big events could be held and where she could host guests. She routinely hosts people from out-of-town, including people who are acquaintances or families of friends. So asking her if someone could stay there was not in itself an issue.) She said they could only stay at her house in separate bedrooms.

 

We share SIL's personal beliefs about sex being something that should be in a married relationship. So she asked us what our thoughts were. Both dh and I agreed that we would be fine with them staying here, and would be fine with our other family members in unmarried relationships. We felt like we would prefer to offer hospitality than to be strict about our own personal morals. And I felt like it was easy to explain that to our kids.

 

To me it is easier to compromise on something like a personal belief or moral than on something like smoking. If an unmarried couple is having sex in our house it doesn't personally impact me but if I'm breathing in smoke or my house now has dog hair all over it, that does impact me directly.

 

Personally, I think the homeowner gets to set the rules. If Cousin Bob and his fiancée invite themselves to sleep over at Aunt Mary's house and Aunt Mary has a rule that unmarried couples can't share a bedroom, Cousin Bob needs to either suck it up and abide by the rule or spend the money to stay at a hotel with his fiancée. It's not going to kill Cousin Bob and his fiancée to spend a night or two in separate bedrooms, but if they feel they can't manage it, they shouldn't be staying at Aunt Mary's house or trying to make her feel guilty about her rules.

 

If you're staying for free at someone's home, you have to abide by their rules, whether you like them or not.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Catwoman

[zoobie]

I so wish that my house rules will keep the rule Violators away. They throw a scene, yell at me (NPDs), storm out of my house and then, they are back again, because we are all "family" while I was hoping that they will keep their promise and stay away for good ;)

 

My house rules are that no one gives sugary food to my son without checking with me and no one does any religious preaching or evangelism to my son without checking with me. Both rules get violated by a certain violator within the first hour of them setting foot in my house. My DH wants to smile, nod and move on with our lives when they visit. I think that after years of explaining, the rule violating is their way to show me that what I want is not very important to them. So, our family is very dysfunctional and people stay away and blame me for it, I sigh a breath of relief and then, there is a phone call that they are arriving in a week to spend time with their grand child yet again. The cycle repeats infinitely.

I think you need some new rules.

 

Edited: I mean you need stricter rules to protect yourself. They sound awful. I'm sorry if it sounded otherwise. :grouphug:

Edited July 6, 2017 by zoobie

[UmMusa]

If you want a dog free house I don't understand why you aren't allowed that in your own home.  Someone who actually wants a relationship with you with respect that.

 

If they don't respect that, I feel like the relationship isn't that important to them.   

That is exactly the message I'm taking away from their stance on the dog.

[kitten18]

Well this is a problem for us, because some of our beliefs are as firmly held as yours about the ones I mentioned; to us, it is truly terrible to eat factory farmed food. As terrible as wearing a Klan uniform. Maybe more terrible. And yet every person we know does it; every member of our extended family.

 

So it is hard to just say, well, I won't have a relationship at all with people who are like this, because then we would be even more isolated than we are. The compromise *is* just not allowing it in the house.

Do you have a new user name?

[UmMusa]

You and your DH are correct.  The people with the dog are allowed to bring it into restaurants and into grocery stores?   Where do they live that animals are allowed in grocery stores?  They need help. 

Doggie is usually in a backpack or handbag carrier.  They got their doctor to make a letter saying that the dog helps them with anxiety, I think.  Like someone else said, very few people are willing to challenge them.

[UmMusa]

We are facing a grandma who wants a new dog, but will only get one if we allow it to visit.  It's driving me crazy.  Two of my kids have randomly been bitten by dogs and we have a cat and I don't really want a dog in my house. But more than that, it feels insensitive and a bit manipulative.  I'm not sure why dog owners make this a hill to die on sometimes.  Grandma sure can get a dog and have a neighbor watch it (as she did with her previous dogs).  I don't want to hear about how lonely Grandma is, but how she can't get a dog b/c we won't let her bring it after 13 years of previous dog ownership where this wasn't an issue. Why am I the problem here??????

Same!  they've NEVER owned a dog.  But now that they do, boy, everyone better love her as much as they do!  

[UmMusa]

 I am greatly bothered by this new dog trend. The dogs are everywhere. last flight I was on had two.  Just have to claim emotional need, and have a doctor sign off.  http://emotionalsupportanimals.org/2010/10/07/how-do-i-get-my-dog-certified-as-an-emotional-support-dog/

Ok, these relatives took their dog on a flight to L.A. and she had to poop.  So they put a pad on the ground for her, she pooped, and then they put the soiled pad into the garbage bin in the bathroom  :huh:  :scared:  :scared:

No. Just no.  

[eternalsummer]

Do you have a new user name?

I do.

[J-rap]

Personally, i think this is highly selfish on her dd's part. You'll ONLY visit your own mother ONLY IF you can bring your TWO dogs? Sounds like her DD needs to GROW UP and realize the world doesn't revolve around her. Does dd make the same claim to her boss when she has to go to work? Not likely. There are such things as pet sitters and boarding facilities for pets.

 

 

 

Yes, it absolutely is extremely selfish and childish.  My gut reaction would be to say "okay, see you when you grow up, then!"  

 

But my own child.  Would I really want to be estranged from her over dogs?  I'd tell her how I felt in clear terms.  But would also tell her that if this is the only way I could see her, I'd allow it.  I don't think I'd do that with anyone else.  I would hope that I'd still have some impact on her by being unselfish and loving.  Maybe she had some deep problems that were the root of her selfishness.  Who knows.  I would still want to be involved.

 

I suppose I'd still insist on the dogs staying in the kitchen, at least.  

 

(And of course if there were a severe allergy problem with dogs in the house, then it wouldn't happen.)

[Cindy in FL.]

I don't see why this would have to be a problem. Surely people can go without alcohol for one evening meal a week or whatever the schedule is. It ought to be a non issue, and you ought to feel completely comfortable with a no alcohol policy. Give it a try and hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised!

 

I'm afraid this might be an issue for us in the future. We don't allow any alcohol in our home (not even a beer or glass of wine), for various personal reasons. We want to start hosting a regular gathering/fellowship/meal time for people in our church and community, but I'm afraid that it will turn people off that we don't wish to allow any alcohol. I'm afraid they'll think we are being legalistic, when in reality our reasons are not religious or philosophical but instead based on personal background and feelings.

 

Editing to say: I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm also afraid we'll get the reputation as the boring/uptight house where no one can kick back and relax.

[heartlikealion]

The dog rule bothered my in-laws. They would instead drive to see us and head back right away as to not leave the dog alone long. And technically there was someone that could check on the dog (their daughter or a friend). It was a bit of an issue. I said maybe the dog could stay in the mostly enclosed carport (there were holes in the brick design on one side but otherwise it had been closed off like a garage) but dh said that the dog always came indoors and that wouldn't work. They do not have a pet now (dog passed away) and I think it's ironic that dh got a cat for our home and expected his parents to let us bring our cat. I said that was not fair. His mom was very accommodating about it in the end (initially acting like what? you want to bring the cat?), but since then we've got a food and water dispenser and hope to never bring her with us again. It's a real hassle and the cat gets super agitated and refuses to cooperate to get in the carrier.

 

Personally I think that pet owners should not expect others to welcome their animals. Dh didn't understand that my parents wouldn't want the cat inside their home, even in the carrier. That's why I said I didn't like to make stops with the cat. I didn't' want to have to leave the car running long and I couldn't take her inside.

 

We have a no smoking rule here and guests smoke outside. Ideally further from the door so it doesn't waft in. This has been a prickly topic as well because the smoke clings to everything. Family doesn't visit often though. We recently ran into an issue where we wanted to visit family for the 4th but the only family member's home with room is a home where the whole house smells like smoke. I don't think they realize how strong the smoke smell is. They try to smoke outdoors, but the smoke has taken over the home. We didn't say anything, but I can barely breathe in there and have two young children, one with asthma so that was a deal breaker.

 

Your home, your rules.

[BigMamaBird]

 

 

The few "rules" we have are important to us and easily respected.  Therefore, if someone can't respect them, I would question whether or not THEY really valued the relationship.  Respect and value should be mutual, not one-sided.  

 

This exactly!!

 

I don't know why it falls on the OP to be the bad guy cutting off the relationship.  It's her home and her rules.  If the visitor can't stand to follow the rules then it's the visitor who is deciding to cut off the relationship, not OP.

[kitten18]

I do.

Ok, I always feel lost when people change their name and avatar.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Edited to delete misunderstanding along with identifying info...sorry, zoobie...

Edited July 7, 2017 by Tibbie Dunbar

[eternalsummer]

Ok, I always feel lost when people change their name and avatar.

 

Me too, and it is not something I'd do lightly.

[zoobie]

I had a similar rule for one child when he was little, only it was red dyes and HFCS instead of sugar. I couldn't get the Sunday school teachers to respect that, so he didn't go to Sunday school. Those items genuinely harmed him, so it was my job to keep him safe. He was voluntarily self policing on this front within a few more years, so then I let natural consequences run their course when he slipped up. 15 years later, he seems to have outgrown it.

 

Also, we left a controlling, fundamentalist type xian denomination. For the first few years, I had to watchdog the relatives because they thought it was their Xian duty to warn us all that we were going to hell for changing churches. I had some hope that the drama would run its course and the family could be normal again (which DID happen), but in the meantime we had some rules about not talking to our little children about it. We didn't want them to be confused, or to wonder if God was mad at them.

 

Do you have a problem with these rules?

I meant she needed stricter rules! Like try to hurt my kid and you are disinvited from my home.

[HS Mom in NC]

It's not part of my family culture to stay with relatives on a visit. We helpfully give the name of nearby hotels.  Everyone gets their own accommodations and transportation or they don't visit.  I wouldn't even consider the possibility of staying with someone on a visit.  I'm going to Maine to see a cousin on my dad's side.  I rented a car, booked hotel rooms, and I'll meet up with her either at her house or at another venue (beach or restaurant) but I have absolutely no expectation of staying with her and would politely refuse the offer if she made it.

When I go into someone else's home for a visit I follow their rules.  If it's food only at the table, fine- I eat at the table. If there's a dietary restriction, the food I bring follows the dietary restriction.  If shoes come off at the entryway, then I take my shoes off at the entryway.  If no one is allowed upstairs in the work at home office and bedrooms, we stay downstairs and keep the kids downstairs.  If it's no dogs (I don't have dogs) I wouldn't being a dog to their house.   

I only take issue with the jerk who hosted a homeschool get together and didn't tell anyone she only allows whole, organic, no sugar foods in her house (not due to medical issues for any of her children.) Then, when everyone brought things that they had no idea violated her rules, she told them they couldn't put them out for others to eat in her home.  If she had simply told people about her rule before the event where everyone was supposed to bring snacks, we could've decided to comply and go to the event or to opt out of the event entirely.

[eternalsummer]

And I just realized, we have experienced this sort of in reverse in the last few weeks.  My mom, it turns out, has a hard rule of what she says in her house goes, even when it comes to our interactions with our kids.  It was never an issue - we've lived with her for months at a time in the past - but now that it has come up and her rule is clear, we can't/won't go over there.

 

A place where I am not allowed to give an instruction to my children and have it followed (instead of another adult saying, "Oh, don't tell her to do that, I'll do it instead," or something similar, and not backing down when I insist that the instruction be followed by the child) is not a safe place for us or our kids.

 

She will continue to visit us at our house, though, as the issue is null here.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I meant she needed stricter rules! Like try to hurt my kid and you are disinvited from my home.

Oh, sorry! I thought you meant t'other direction!

[catz]

I only take issue with the jerk who hosted a homeschool get together and didn't tell anyone she only allows whole, organic, no sugar foods in her house (not due to medical issues for any of her children.) Then, when everyone brought things that they had no idea violated her rules, she told them they couldn't put them out for others to eat in her home.  If she had simply told people about her rule before the event where everyone was supposed to bring snacks, we could've decided to comply and go to the event or to opt out of the event entirely.

 

LOL - that is nuts.  If you're going to have a potluck, you don't get to dictate what other people bring.  The only possible exception is a severe nut allergy or something like that.  Although, if there are severe allergies involved where cross contamination could be an issue, I wouldn't trust other people to know how to do this correctly.  The closest you could do is ask people to bring something savory over sweet or have a theme of some sort that might comply.  People like that shouldn't be in charge of potlucks.

 

I do not get the obsession with taking dogs everywhere.  Tap rooms are big here right now and people bring dogs in all the time.  I'm quite sure it's illegal and it's not like they're super well behaved either.  My DH is allergic to many and after not living with dogs for many years, I do like them but in very small doses. 

 

I have a BIL and him and his family bring their dog to EVERY family event.  It's a small, yappy, unfriendly dog that is not great with kids.  I don't volunteer to host every any more because I have 3 cats, 1 being elderly and touchy and it would not work to have a dog here ever.  I don't understand why you can't leave a dog for 4-8 hours.  They both work full time and their last high schooler attends high school 45 minutes from their house so the dog definitely knows how to be alone. 

 

Our cats are DEFINITELY family members and we dote on them all day every day.  I can't imagine asking someone else to accommodate them. 

[heartlikealion]

Ds has allergic reactions around some dogs. I definitely like to know in advance to expect a pet and I don't always think to ask if a pet will be coming along. I want to know in advance so I can give him some Claritin. One time my SIL invited ds to the beach with her family and their dogs and she wanted to pick him up immediately (we knew he had issues with one of her dogs) and I had to remind her and/or dh that Clartin doesn't work that fast. lol

[Tangerine]

The TSA Instagram page just posted a picture of a service duck.

[QueenCat]

Personally, I think the homeowner gets to set the rules. If Cousin Bob and his fiancée invite themselves to sleep over at Aunt Mary's house and Aunt Mary has a rule that unmarried couples can't share a bedroom, Cousin Bob needs to either suck it up and abide by the rule or spend the money to stay at a hotel with his fiancée. It's not going to kill Cousin Bob and his fiancée to spend a night or two in separate bedrooms, but if they feel they can't manage it, they shouldn't be staying at Aunt Mary's house or trying to make her feel guilty about her rules.

 

If you're staying for free at someone's home, you have to abide by their rules, whether you like them or not.

 

For the most part, I agree...... but if a couple has been living together for years, as a couple, then as a hostess, I can't imagine suggesting that they sleep apart at my house. Regardless of my belief system. For me, our rules center more around things that would truly harm someone in the home, rather than imposing our values on them. If you smoke, here's an ashtray, go out on the deck to smoke. That kind of stuff.. But you are right, it's up to the host to determine the parameters for their guests. How they go about it reflects on who they are. How the guest reacts is on the guest.