How do you handle boyfriends/girlfriends staying the night at your house?

[heartlikealion]

I have to drive 45 min. to get to most places I go (doctor's offices, shopping centers, movie theater) and there have been times I regretted driving tired (maybe I didn't feel that tired til I was nearing home). Dh had to return to work and I had to take dd to the pediatrician or something shortly after her birth. His sister was horrified because I had just given birth but dh said it wasn't a big deal because I didn't have any meds in my system. I honestly never thought about the fact that a lot of women are told not to drive for a couple weeks after birth. But I wish I hadn't driven because I was sleep deprived. When I complained to the receptionist at the ob/gyn about it being really hard for me to get to the appointment (different occasion) she was imo rude and showed no sympathy stating that other patients came from as far.

 

So in my experience, society expects you to be places nevermind if you are a mombie (mom zombie). Or whatever. When I haven't had children with me, yes, I have parked and napped in shopping center parking lots before. With kids it gets more complicated.

 

I try to listen to my body. I try to account for being alert enough to drive and take that into consideration. Like I am in no shape to drive with a migraine. I will cancel. I try to make afternoon appointments when possible because waking up early (depending on how early) and driving 45 min. is hard on me.

[unsinkable]

I don't get the whole panic either.

 

What should there really be fir you, as Mom, to do? He is 19. He can fetch a pillow and a blanket. He can clear the laundry off the counch. And as for housekeeping, she has been hanging at your house for the last 1.5 years. She already knows what kind of house keeper you are. She doesn't need tioletries, she'd brush her teeth at home the next day. You don't need to rearrange a bathroom svhedule, you need to let the poor girl pee. Something you would probably need to do even if she was leaving on her own, and I am certain you had to do while waiting on her parents. I mean this isn't a stranger, this is someone who has seen the workings of your house for over a year.

 

So now instead of just letting people go to sleep, everyone is now up and waiting at least an hour for her parents to show up. Yes I know it was a 45 minute ride, but they probably needed a few to get redressed and ready to go out at thst time of night.

As far as you not getting the whole panic:

 

That is how my brain works. Once a situation presents itself, my brain just takes off.

 

And I understand you not getting it bc I've heard it my whole life, from people who must think like you...get a pillow and a blanket, done.

 

I wish I thought like that. It seems to be the way the majority of people think, and it certainly seems to be much more acceptable than the way I think.

[unsinkable]

Nope. The person who invited her would have to do that. Presumably the 19 yo. knows where the linen closet is? And the living room couch? The ability to warn GF that so-and-so will be occupying the bathroom from 11PM to midnight, and to warn so-and-so and anyone else awake that she is asleep on the couch should also be within the capabilities of a 19 yo.

 

"She's sleeping on the couch? OK." is all you would have to contribute to the situation before going to bed.

I just answered someone else...but here is a perfect example of what I just said...

 

The message is that I am doing it wrong. That hey, the world does life "THIS WAY" and your way is a "NOPE."

[Laura Corin]

Thanks for replying. I'm not disagreeing that it can be dangerous. Just curious if everyone here preaching it (not driving while tired) actually practices it.

 

I've certainly asked Husband to drive me to work when I felt too tired.  I also cancelled an educational trip when I was home educating because I was too tired to drive safely.  We had been looking forward to it and we had to disappoint our friends, but it would have been a stupid risk.

[Murphy101]

Later DD asked BF why she couldn't stay, and he said, "That's just my mom." They talked about it further, and there were no special circumstances. He also mentioned, "It's probably because of my siblings." So sorry I didn't describe every detail of every conversation. I'm done here.

Ahhh. Oh well then.

 

Oh! I wonder if the mom was rather aggravated that the gf was sick?? I'm sorry, but I'd be saying a big no at someone coming over, much less staying over, while sick. Because I don't appreciate having to spend the next however many days or god forbid weeks dealing with all my kids catching it and being sick.

 

But my grown kids don't have children yet and don't much deal with the caretaking of the sick here, and I can see how that connection would totally pass them by.

 

Or heck. Who knows. Maybe the mom is going through perimenopause and the smart thing would be for her to rent a cabin in the woods when having PMS, but she can't actually do that, however she can decide to not have overnight company.

 

I don't think she really owes anyone an explaination. It's her home. She made sure the young lady was safely taken care of. So I'd let it go and call it all good. Or good enough at least.

[Pam in CT]

'Come get your kid.' is an approach I've only ever seen/recommended in the context of a child that's beyond one's control, damaged something, did something so egregious that punishment is warranted. Barring those circumstances, Dh and I would deal with it in house and discuss concerns with the other parent (if necessary) later. The scenario described doesn't rise to that level for me, and even if it did, I'd be explaining myself/my perspective to the other parent as a courtesy.

Yeah, "come get your kid" seems pretty infantilizing to me.  Whereas recognizing "I'm not in good shape to drive" seems pretty mature to me.  It's hard to imagine that response if the too-exhausted-to-drive driver were 40-something.  

 

I totally get parents not wanting their unmarried 22 year olds sharing a bedroom with a BF or GF -- my own parents made the same judgment.

 

But on the broader question of hospitality, I agree with the several pp who spoke to the think about how the interaction may feel on the other side, to a person who may become your DIL or SIL.  Warmth and hospitality does not require shared sleeping arrangements, but it does require empathy and respect.  

 

 

 

re neighbors keeping tabs on the cars in the driveway

Small town/ rural life as I have experienced it, is such that no one would have to count cars.  They'd just have to recognize the car. 

 

Suppose your neighbor's teen son were someone your teen dd was in love with and had had a few dates with, and you or your dd saw that a car belonging to another teen girl she knew spent the night.  Might there not be something go through your mind or your teen dd's mind about that?

 

:lol:

 

Huh.  Never been in that exact situation, I confess.

 

It would seem, though, that an eagle-eyed girlfriend keeping tabs on her lyin' and cheatin' so-called boyfriend's driveway is a bit different than random neighbors keeping tabs on one another's visitors' coming and going and surmising about the sleeping arrangements.  I'm pretty small town myself and I'd be hard pressed to tell you what cars my neighbors themselves drive, let alone their teen children's girlfriends' and other visitors' cars.  

[Sneezyone]

Ahhh. Oh well then.

 

Oh! I wonder if the mom was rather aggravated that the gf was sick?? I'm sorry, but I'd be saying a big no at someone coming over, much less staying over, while sick. Because I don't appreciate having to spend the next however many days or god forbid weeks dealing with all my kids catching it and being sick.

 

But my grown kids don't have children yet and don't much deal with the caretaking of the sick here, and I can see how that connection would totally pass them by.

 

Or heck. Who knows. Maybe the mom is going through perimenopause and the smart thing would be for her to rent a cabin in the woods when having PMS, but she can't actually do that, however she can decide to not have overnight company.

 

I don't think she really owes anyone an explaination. It's her home. She made sure the young lady was safely taken care of. So I'd let it go and call it all good. Or good enough at least.

The young lady was not sick. She was weak following the illness and more easily tired than she anticipated.

[Twolittleboys]

Ahhh. Oh well then.

 

Oh! I wonder if the mom was rather aggravated that the gf was sick?? I'm sorry, but I'd be saying a big no at someone coming over, much less staying over, while sick. Because I don't appreciate having to spend the next however many days or god forbid weeks dealing with all my kids catching it and being sick.

 

But my grown kids don't have children yet and don't much deal with the caretaking of the sick here, and I can see how that connection would totally pass them by.

 

Or heck. Who knows. Maybe the mom is going through perimenopause and the smart thing would be for her to rent a cabin in the woods when having PMS, but she can't actually do that, however she can decide to not have overnight company.

 

I don't think she really owes anyone an explaination. It's her home. She made sure the young lady was safely taken care of. So I'd let it go and call it all good. Or good enough at least.

The way I understood it the daugher wasn't sick any longer, just run down from being sick. The same has happened to me before (the feeling run down, not the whole boyfriend scenario): I had the chickenpox as an adult and went back to work after a week or two (don't remember). I definitely was no longer contagious or anything. Still, by the end of the day I was completely exhausted. A couple of years ago I had bronchitis. Even after I had recovered from being sick, I still felt exhausted if I just had to run to the store.

 

And of course the mother doesn't owe an explanation and can invite (or not) whoever she wants.Still, there are many things we are allowed to (or not obliged to) but we do not do them (or do them as the case may be) for various reasons: common decency, tradition, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings.

[Murphy101]

Thanks for replying. I'm not disagreeing that it can be dangerous. Just curious if everyone here preaching it (not driving while tired) actually practices it.

I do. In fact, I'm downright witchy about it. Because people can't seem to grasp that someone could actually be that tired, they can't for themselves and they can't for other people.

 

But *I* have been that tired and judged as just lazy or stupid or a silly woman because I wouldn't load my van up and take kids wherever anyways. "Oh just have a cup of coffee!" Does NOT work like that. I have never in my life been as "drunk" as I was when I was trying to function while that tired.

[Murphy101]

The way I understood it the daugher wasn't sick any longer, just run down from being sick. The same has happened to me before (the feeling run down, not the whole boyfriend scenario): I had the chickenpox as an adult and went back to work after a week or two (don't remember). I definitely was no longer contagious or anything. Still, by the end of the day I was completely exhausted. A couple of years ago I had bronchitis. Even after I had recovered from being sick, I still felt exhausted if I just had to run to the store.

 

And of course the mother doesn't owe an explanation and can invite (or not) whoever she wants.Still, there are many things we are allowed to (or not obliged to) but we do not do them (or do them as the case may be) for various reasons: common decency, tradition, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings.

I get that, but I can also imagine how she might still seem too sick to be company, especially in a household with children. Whether she really was sick or not might have been hard to convince a mom.

[Sneezyone]

Yeah, "come get your kid" seems pretty infantilizing to me. Whereas recognizing "I'm not in good shape to drive" seems pretty mature to me. It's hard to imagine that response if the too-exhausted-to-drive driver were 40-something.

 

I totally get parents not wanting their unmarried 22 year olds sharing a bedroom with a BF or GF -- my own parents made the same judgment.

 

But on the broader question of hospitality, I agree with the several pp who spoke to the think about how the interaction may feel on the other side, to a person who may become your DIL or SIL. Warmth and hospitality does not require shared sleeping arrangements, but it does require empathy and respect.

 

 

 

re neighbors keeping tabs on the cars in the driveway

 

:lol:

 

Huh. Never been in that exact situation, I confess.

 

It would seem, though, that an eagle-eyed girlfriend keeping tabs on her lyin' and cheatin' so-called boyfriend's driveway is a bit different than random neighbors keeping tabs on one another's visitors' coming and going and surmising about the sleeping arrangements. I'm pretty small town myself and I'd be hard pressed to tell you what cars my neighbors themselves drive, let alone their teen children's girlfriends' and other visitors' cars.

I think that's what bothered me most about it, the fact that the adult decision maker didn't make her issues, whatever they were, clear to either the girl who's been in a relationship with her son for almost two years or the parent that she called to pick her up. At the same time, I may also be biased by things Goldberry has said before about this particular relationship. I've secretly hoped the young lady will wise up and run like hell. Edited July 5, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Ravin]

Hmm.  I generally think adult kids living at home should be treated like adults, as far as coming and going.  (Though if they are sharing a room or something, that factors in as late nights affect others.)

 

But I would actually not consider it appropriate for them to just invite someone, as if it was their own place, unless we had some arrangement or asked if it was ok.

 

I'm not crazy about overnight guests that aren't family or people I know well. It pretty much means I won't be comfortable in the house that night. 

 

There is a reason I don't live with roommates any more.

 

This is where the part where it is relevant that the boyfriend said he thought it would be okay because friends have crashed on their couch before with some regularity.

[Guest]

It is a crisis. Have you read any of the links provided?

Respectfully, I am not involved in this thread anymore. I don't think we are all talking about the same things when we say, "driving tired." So I don't wish to discuss it any further.

[Murphy101]

Because I would be almost asleep at that point and I'd have to change gears pretty quickly.

 

I'm a very unorganized person in a very small house. I'd have to find bedding, perhaps shift people around in their beds, find toiletries for the GF, find night clothes for the GF.

 

I'd also have to rearrange the bathroom schedule THAT NIGHT bc 1 person does his major bathroom stuff...skin care, shaving, showering, etc after 1100 pm bc everyone else is out of the way. So he doesn't need to rush or get out of the bathroom, etc...That might not be able to happen if we have a guest.

 

So yeah...I'd panic. All those things I'd have to do for an unexpected, unplanned for guest would immediately pop into my mind. And once I started doing all that...I'd be wide awake, and I'd miss my moment of falling asleep. I'd be up until 2 or 3 am at that point.

 

So panic is a good word...can I organize everything I need for this guest in a timely manner, and once I do, will I be able to fall asleep any time soon?....that'd make me panic.

Ummm. I don't do any of that. I don't have a bathroom schedule. I might feel a bit self conscious that the house wasn't in order or I didn't look presentable, but oh well.

 

Someone is staying over?

Great.

There is the bathroom.

There is the kitchen.

There is where you can sleep.

There is the linen closet.

 

Glad to have you. Knock on any door if you need someone to find something for you. See you in the morning.

 

I felt like I needed to post this to the college hostess thread too. I never get hostess fatigue. Apparently because I'm a suck hostess.😊

[Pam in CT]

Hostessing is definitely easier when the standards are slacker, lol.

[unsinkable]

Ummm. I don't do any of that. I don't have a bathroom schedule. I might feel a bit self conscious that the house wasn't in order or I didn't look presentable, but oh well.

 

Someone is staying over?

Great.

There is the bathroom.

There is the kitchen.

There is where you can sleep.

There is the linen closet.

 

Glad to have you. Knock on any door if you need someone to find something for you. See you in the morning.

 

I felt like I needed to post this to the college hostess thread too. I never get hostess fatigue. Apparently because I'm a suck hostess.😊

I would never say you are a "suck hostess." The very act of you having me sleep over would touching and sweet to me. The general you, not only you, Murphy.

 

Other people in the thread told me I was doing "it" wrong. In this case, it's an unexpected houseguest. But like I said, I've heard my whole life a variation of "I don't get you."

[unsinkable]

Respectfully, I am not involved in this thread anymore. I don't think we are all talking about the same things when we say, "driving tired." So I don't wish to discuss it any further.

I'm sorry people piled on you, Quill.

[38carrots]

Thanks for replying. I'm not disagreeing that it can be dangerous. Just curious if everyone here preaching it (not driving while tired) actually practices it.

 

Absolutely. There's tired, when you are just well, tired. But there's also tired when your eyes are closing and you can't keep them open without substantial effort. This is the tired when you would fall asleep the moment you close your eyes.

 

I do drive when regular tired. I don't drive when very tired. I stopped in a hotel 1hour away from home, after an 8 hour road trip, because despite of my hopes, I just knew I couldn't do it.

 

At another time DH texted me to encourage I take a break and stay in a hotel if necessary when I was 2 hours from home (after a long trip) but I felt I could do it. It is fine line. As long as we can recognize the signs that our bodies give us and respect them. If someone says they don't feel safe driving due to being tired, they are making a wise and safe choice.

[38carrots]

Respectfully, I am not involved in this thread anymore. I don't think we are all talking about the same things when we say, "driving tired." So I don't wish to discuss it any further.

 

When Goldberry's DD said she was too tired to drive, she meant that other type of tired, the one that you are not talking about.

[Guest]

When Goldberry's DD said she was too tired to drive, she meant that other type of tired, the one that you are not talking about.

How can any of us know what kind of tired? We can't. That's why there's no point in my discussing it any further. Good night.

[Renthead Mommy]

Respectfully, I am not involved in this thread anymore. I don't think we are all talking about the same things when we say, "driving tired." So I don't wish to discuss it any further.

 

 

You keep saying you're out, but you keep coming back still trying to convince everyone that you aren't wrong.  

 

Maybe that should tell you something about this idea you seem to have.  Or your need to be right about this. 

[Audrey]

She didn't.  She called me directly and said DD was not able to drive home and could I come and get her. I did.  I found out later that BF went in another room with the mom and came out and told DD she couldn't stay.  He just said "My mom said your parents need to come and get you."

 

 

That's pretty crummy, IMO.  I feel sorry for your dd, and also for her boyfriend.

[Audrey]

I noticed several posters implying that a single unexpected guest is a major event.  I have to admit it is a head scratcher for me.

 

 

For me, too.   But, I don't care about the implied appearances of such a thing, and at the very worst, I can make up the sofa for someone.  I've never had an unexpected guest who expected hotel-level service.  To the last one, they're all just glad to be there and have a place to sleep safely for the night. 

[Audrey]

As far as you not getting the whole panic:

 

That is how my brain works. Once a situation presents itself, my brain just takes off.

 

And I understand you not getting it bc I've heard it my whole life, from people who must think like you...get a pillow and a blanket, done.

 

I wish I thought like that. It seems to be the way the majority of people think, and it certainly seems to be much more acceptable than the way I think.

 

I get it.  It sets you off.  That's just the way it is for you.  I have things that set me off.  I have OCD and the list of things that make me spiral are long.  Oh so long.  So I do get it. 

 

I also get that it's necessary to try to figure out what the majority of people would do or think in certain situations.  I do that a lot, so that I can have that information for when those situations arise.  I do my best to adopt the "normal" ways people do things (or don't do things), not because I want to do "normal" or be thought of as "normal."  If left to my own, all things would only be my way -- the way that makes me happy and calm and ordered with no extraneousness.  But, I live with people who don't think like me, and I know I've hurt them with "my way" in the past -- something I don't wish to keep repeating.  I feel like I have to be the one to cave to expectations because I know my issues are my own issues, not theirs.  It's really hard.  Sometimes I freaking hate the crap out of it and wish I'd never agreed to this whole marriage thing.  But, when I'm having a good day, I know they're worth it.  Still, it's hard.  And, no one understands how hard. Every. Single. Day.

 

So... :grouphug:  because you're not as alone as you think.

[EmseB]

You keep saying you're out, but you keep coming back still trying to convince everyone that you aren't wrong.

 

Maybe that should tell you something about this idea you seem to have. Or your need to be right about this.

On the other hand, I find it extremely interesting when a group of people in an internet discussion decide one person's opinion and pov is wrong, wrong, wrong and won't stop telling them how wrong they are. There's something of a mob mentality at play, even on a small scale.

[Scarlett]

On the other hand, I find it extremely interesting when a group of people in an internet discussion decide one person's opinion and pov is wrong, wrong, wrong and won't stop telling them how wrong they are. There's something of a mob mentality at play, even on a small scale.

No kidding. I am sorry too Quill that you got beat up on.

Edited July 6, 2017 by Scarlett

[Tangerine]

Do I just not understand how debate works?  Someone had a minority opinion, argued that opinion to the best of her ability.  Continued to do so through opposition.  Then (seemingly) decided she was done debating.  The discussion continued.  Unless people are going ad hominem or something, isn't this how this works?  Wouldn't all discussion just die if people didn't go back and forth on the topic expressing their opinions?

[Fawnmoscato]

This is quite a topic! I slept over at boyfriends houses all the time, and my husband and I spend the night with family several times a year. Even as a married couple, there is no sex going on. The most surprising thing about this thread, to me, is the implication that spending the night means sex. I think the act of sleeping next to a significant other is often of more importance than sex. To be honest, it's much easier for a couple to find a place have sex than it would be to just simply sleep next to each other.

[38carrots]

How can any of us know what kind of tired? We can't. That's why there's no point in my discussing it any further. Good night.

 

We actually know very well what kind of tired it was. It was the kind of tired that Goldberry's DD felt she couldn't drive safely. That's really the only thing that is needed to know about the situation.

[Guest]

Do I just not understand how debate works? Someone had a minority opinion, argued that opinion to the best of her ability. Continued to do so through opposition. Then (seemingly) decided she was done debating. The discussion continued. Unless people are going ad hominem or something, isn't this how this works? Wouldn't all discussion just die if people didn't go back and forth on the topic expressing their opinions?

It has become clear to me that nothing else I say is going to help clarify my POV. Actually, that was true pages ago. There are a few posters who are continuing to quote me, as if they want to debate it further, but don't appear to be interested in actually understanding. One member here quoted me only to then PM me to never reply to her again. So, obviously I am torquing a nerve for a few people and saying more about how I see Goldberry's scenario is not going to help one jot, since what I have already said has upset her and others. Since I don't enjoy making enemies, I am trying to just leave this discussion alone. Except people keep quoting me and simply telling someone I did not wish to discuss it further apparently did not work, since that got me a flaming PM and put on ignore, purportedly.

 

I have no issue debating differing opinions. That's a-okay with me and I enjoy the mental exercise. But this thread isn't that anymore, at least not for me; maybe it's the waxing moon.

[unsinkable]

We actually know very well what kind of tired it was. It was the kind of tired that Goldberry's DD felt she couldn't drive safely. That's really the only thing that is needed to know about the situation.

GB said her DD and BF were out and about. BF dropped DD at her car. DD started driving home, and instead of driving straight home, went to 7-11 to get an energy drink bc she needed it to drive home. Her BF followed her to the 7-11, to see what was up bc he thought she was going home. He invited her to sleep over at his house. And they (presumedly) each drove their own cars from 7-11 to his house.

 

So we could also say it was the kind of tired that DD initially thought would be OK to drive with after an energy drink. And it was only after talking with BF that the kind of tired wasn't the kind of tired an energy drink would solve.

[Riverland]

Quill, I truly appreciate your willingness to stick to your POV. It can certainly be hard to stick your neck out on these boards! And I do agree with almost everything you've said.

[Tangerine]

It has become clear to me that nothing else I say is going to help clarify my POV. Actually, that was true pages ago. There are a few posters who are continuing to quote me, as if they want to debate it further, but don't appear to be interested in actually understanding. One member here quoted me only to then PM me to never reply to her again. So, obviously I am torquing a nerve for a few people and saying more about how I see Goldberry's scenario is not going to help one jot, since what I have already said has upset her and others. Since I don't enjoy making enemies, I am trying to just leave this discussion alone. Except people keep quoting me and simply telling someone I did not wish to discuss it further apparently did not work, since that got me a flaming PM and put on ignore, purportedly.

 

I have no issue debating differing opinions. That's a-okay with me and I enjoy the mental exercise. But this thread isn't that anymore, at least not for me; maybe it's the waxing moon.

 

 

Eep.  That's intense.  My favorite feature of Facebook is "Turn off notifications for this post." I don't get notifications when I'm quoted, so I can happily just be in the dark.  I tried out the Tapatalk thing, but it was too much with the likey likey and the quotey quotey.

[unsinkable]

I get it. It sets you off. That's just the way it is for you. I have things that set me off. I have OCD and the list of things that make me spiral are long. Oh so long. So I do get it.

 

I also get that it's necessary to try to figure out what the majority of people would do or think in certain situations. I do that a lot, so that I can have that information for when those situations arise. I do my best to adopt the "normal" ways people do things (or don't do things), not because I want to do "normal" or be thought of as "normal." If left to my own, all things would only be my way -- the way that makes me happy and calm and ordered with no extraneousness. But, I live with people who don't think like me, and I know I've hurt them with "my way" in the past -- something I don't wish to keep repeating. I feel like I have to be the one to cave to expectations because I know my issues are my own issues, not theirs. It's really hard. Sometimes I freaking hate the crap out of it and wish I'd never agreed to this whole marriage thing. But, when I'm having a good day, I know they're worth it. Still, it's hard. And, no one understands how hard. Every. Single. Day.

 

So... :grouphug: because you're not as alone as you think.

I appreciate the hug. You've given me some stuff to think about.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

On the other hand, I find it extremely interesting when a group of people in an internet discussion decide one person's opinion and pov is wrong, wrong, wrong and won't stop telling them how wrong they are. There's something of a mob mentality at play, even on a small scale.

 

When someone takes a position that justifies dismisses a legitimately dangerous action (driving while tired is totally okay!), then you can generally expect to see a lot of push back.

[Julie Smith]

Thanks for replying. I'm not disagreeing that it can be dangerous. Just curious if everyone here preaching it (not driving while tired) actually practices it.

I never drive tired.

 

The way I make this easy for myself is, I rarely drive.

[Pen]

,,,

re neighbors keeping tabs on the cars in the driveway

 

:lol:

 

Huh.  Never been in that exact situation, I confess.

 

It would seem, though, that an eagle-eyed girlfriend keeping tabs on her lyin' and cheatin' so-called boyfriend's driveway is a bit different than random neighbors keeping tabs on one another's visitors' coming and going and surmising about the sleeping arrangements.  I'm pretty small town myself and I'd be hard pressed to tell you what cars my neighbors themselves drive, let alone their teen children's girlfriends' and other visitors' cars.  

 

 

 

 

"Random neighbors" as a concept already suggests a different world.

[DawnM]

It has become clear to me that nothing else I say is going to help clarify my POV. Actually, that was true pages ago. There are a few posters who are continuing to quote me, as if they want to debate it further, but don't appear to be interested in actually understanding. One member here quoted me only to then PM me to never reply to her again. So, obviously I am torquing a nerve for a few people and saying more about how I see Goldberry's scenario is not going to help one jot, since what I have already said has upset her and others. Since I don't enjoy making enemies, I am trying to just leave this discussion alone. Except people keep quoting me and simply telling someone I did not wish to discuss it further apparently did not work, since that got me a flaming PM and put on ignore, purportedly.

 

I have no issue debating differing opinions. That's a-okay with me and I enjoy the mental exercise. But this thread isn't that anymore, at least not for me; maybe it's the waxing moon.

 

:scared:  :eek:

 

I am sorry Quill.  You can still quote me and reply to me.  

[J-rap]

Hmmm.. without reading all of the responses or thinking through all the details...

 

I would not allow my upper teen/lower 20's child to have a sleepover with their boyfriend or girlfriend/SO just for fun.  This is because my understanding within my faith is that it's in our best interest for sexual relations to wait until a couple is committed to be together for life.  This is not a silly legality, but a belief that sex is something very special that draws a couple together over the years in a very intimate and unique way.  So, I want to encourage that in my children.  (Of course, that doesn't mean that premarital sex will necessarily result in a bad marriage!)

 

However, if the SO lives out of town, or came to our house and ended up sick or too tired, or any number of reasons, I'd be happy to have them stay overnight, in different rooms.  (Assuming honesty, but in the case of not really knowing, then at least giving them the benefit of the doubt.  I'm not completely dumb of course, but that's the chance I take!)

 

If a couple is engaged, I'd still rather they sleep in separate rooms (more due to societal standards I think), but I'd probably let them decide.

 

If my mid 20's + child was in a serious relationship and I respected it, I'd encourage them to sleep in separate rooms and discuss it with them, but would not absolutely forbid it.  

[TravelingChris]

The only way that boyfriends or girlfriends would be sleeping over is if they lived far away from our house and visiting would necessitate staying over in our town. We have only had that experience once and the girl stayed overnight in my one daughter;s room that had an extra bed in it. Nowadays we have a guest room so if my youngest had a boyfriend who needed to stay over, he would sleep there.

[emzhengjiu]

Locked at the request of the OP.