How do you handle boyfriends/girlfriends staying the night at your house?

[FaithManor]

That's downright Puritanical if people are going to that extreme to observe your driveway and speculate and pronounce judgment. Is it really 2017?

We once lived near a woman who climbed privacy fences to see what people had in their backyards so she could report "offenses" to the HOA. She started out the windows of her house with binoculars, and photographed people going in and out of their houses. Eventually someone called the police accusing her of stalking. They came to talk with her which took the wind out of her sails. It was weird, and creepy. It was the only time we have encountered such a thing, and hopefully that kind of thing is very rare.

[Scarlett]

These threads always end up the same.....someone says they slept in the same bed with their boyfriend without having sex, another says she lived with another man  while her husband worked out of town long term and nothing ever happened and if people want to have premarital sex they will find a way so this idea of propriety is archaic and bizarre.  And anti female.  And partriarchial.  And people who are concerned about appearances are giving in to gossipers and busybody which are apparently worse sins than fornication.  Those are always the highlights.  This thread we got the added dose of the dangers of driving tired or sick and it appeared the only solution to that problem was to sleep over at her boyfriend's house.

 

The thing is....for most people it is not realistic to stay chaste while sleeping in the same bed as someone you love and are attracted to.  And most people are not inclined to let their mate live with someone else of opposite sex while the mate is away.  Those aren't really crazy over the top standards. 

 

People who are determined to stay chaste know the slope is slippery and so they set a high stardard to make staying chaste more likely.  Also there is a concern about how things look.  We try to be a good example to those around us....younger siblings, neighbor kids who might look up to your family. 

 

Knowing that the boy's mom didn't even mention propriety as the reason the girl couldn't stay is even more reason to just give her a break.  I know the girl was embarrassed....I certainly would have been and I would have probably cried....but really it was not some personal slam to the girl.  It was just a thing that didn't go as planned.

[EmseB]

She didn't.  She called me directly and said DD was not able to drive home and could I come and get her. I did.  I found out later that BF went in another room with the mom and came out and told DD she couldn't stay.  He just said "My mom said your parents need to come and get you."

 

I just realized we had a whole internet argument based off the fact that your friend speculated that the bf/gf relationship was why she couldn't stay.  I totally assumed facts not in evidence!  But, hey, I'm always a fan of a good internet argument! :)

 

BTW, who has not been pulled aside by their parents for extending some invitation or promise to a friend that mom couldn't oblige?  I know it happened to me.  And then my mom had to be the bad guy and tell us both no.

[unsinkable]

If I had a situation like goldberry's (GB), I guess I would do the following:

 

DS comes at 1030-1100 pm and says, "GF is too tired to drive home. I said she can spend the night."

 

Immediate panic. I cannot switch from Almost Bedtime to Surprise! Sleepover! that quickly, that late at night.

 

My plan would be:

 

First choice...someone in our house drive her home. If that couldn't happen...

 

Second choice...ask her if her parents could come and get her. If she said she didn't know or hesitated, then I might call her parents. Id say, your DD is too tired to drive and no one here can drive her. Is anyone there able to come and get her? If you can't, she can stay on the couch.

 

Third choice...if no one in our family or GB's family can drive her home, she can stay on couch.

 

The thing is...the reason WHY my first choice is for GB's DD to go home doesn't matter. I shouldn't have to give a reason. I'd want her safely home but if that couldn't happen, then she could stay.

 

(Now granted, the majority of the thread was about WHY she couldn't stay, and it is all speculation bc the BF's mom didn't even say why.)

 

If the situation was:

 

DS comes in 1030-1100 and says:

 

"GF is sick, and can't drive home. I said she can spend the night."

 

My first reaction would still be immediate panic BUT I'd want her to spend the night. I'd not want her to have to face a 45 minute ride home while sick. I'd make sure her parents were fine with her staying and then try to make her as comfortable as possible.

 

There are so many threads on here where the posters encourage other posters to say NO to something. "NO is a complete sentence." I feel like in the given situation, No, she can't stay is an OK option and then things go from there.

 

There are also many threads where people emphasize that people's children are their responsibility. So if I couldn't help get GB's DD home, and I didn't want her to stay, the next appropriate option was to ask her parents to come and get her. In my situation, it wouldn't be bc I didn't care about the DD or bc I thought my DS and the GF would have sex. It would be a logistics and comfort-level thing.

 

If someone said in the given situation that I shouldn't have called her parents and tried to get her home, that calling them meant I was...rude, inhospitable, uncaring...I would feel horrible. In my mind, I'd want her to get home safely and only if that wasn't possible, then she could stay.

[Ravin]

I am a little surprised by all the emphasis on bring hospitable. What about the responsibilities of being a guest? If I go to your home, your rules apply. You want me to take off my shoes? You only drink water with dinner? Your internet turns off at 10? And, I don't invite myself over or to stay. Tired? Call home for a ride. If in invited to stay, I might, but u

I've been taught never to ask. As a guest I should graciously comply with your rules and not impose myself.

 

The boyfriend invited her to crash on the couch. He is an adult. It is his home. She didn't invite herself.

 

To me, one aspect of this I find rather appalling is an adult child living at home being treated as, well, a child. It was the boyfriend, and adult member of the household, who breached the house rules by extending the invitation, not the girlfriend as guest. 

[Ravin]

I don't think she was invited by the parents. The girl probably didn't realize he was asking her without clearing it with her parents.

 

The boyfriend is an adult. I for one would not think an adult would have to clear something like an invitation, or if they did, that they would do it before extending said invitation.

[goldberry]

Later DD asked BF why she couldn't stay, and he said, "That's just my mom."  They talked about it further, and there were no special circumstances. He also mentioned, "It's probably because of my siblings."   So sorry I didn't describe every detail of every conversation.  I'm done here.

[Scarlett]

The boyfriend is an adult. I for one would not think an adult would have to clear something like an invitation, or if they did, that they would do it before extending said invitation.

 

 

True if he had his own home. . 

[unsinkable]

I did not think it was "horrible" for them to want me to come and get her. But it did affect my view of the mom in a negative way, and it sounds like many would agree with me. It was very uncaring of her toward DD, at a time when I would have thought there was caring there. As the girl she has known for almost 2 years, as the girl her son loves, and just as a mom in general toward a young person.

 

You mention you don't like overnight guests. That was NOT the case in this family, as described by the BF, they routinely have people hanging out there and/or staying over if they are there late. So obviously it was an issue specifically to her being a GF.

 

Saying this would be an obvious thing for a family that values chastity is not accurate. I would say there are quite a lot of conservative people, both on this board and IRL, that value chastity but do not equate sleeping under the same roof under specific circumstance as encouraging or endorsing sexual behavior. I have already said I would not endorse it in an "entertainment" kind of way (just for fun). But this was a different circumstance. No, it was not a clear cut emergency. It was an uncomfortable and awkward situation. The inflexibility in that situation was disturbing to me.

 

You clearly have never had the problem of getting too sleepy to drive when you "didn't plan on it". Other people (as well as statistics) are telling you it is very real. I am getting annoyed by you continuing to insist that this is either a scam or that DD is somehow incomprehensibly stupid and maybe shouldn't be driving. She has been driving this route for 2 years with no problems and utmost responsibility. In addition to her previously being sick (and no, she was not sick right then that day, she wasn't spreading disease) there were some other circumstances involved regarding how this played out. And yes, we did discuss it, but I absolutely saw how the circumstances led to what happened. We talked about how to apply this in the future. She did not deserve to be shamed and embarrassed as she was. You may not believe it and can't let go of either suspicion or judgment about it. That's fine. I'm her mom, and I know what happened. I'm not going any further trying to explain it. But part of your assessment of this situation seems to be based on the idea that this was either a scam or just DD being stupid. Either way, nothing the mom should have any sympathy for. And frankly, if that is what the other mom was thinking, after knowing my daughter for 1.5 years, then I think my negative feelings toward her are completely justified.

 

ETA, for the record, even young people just being stupid sometimes still deserve sympathy... and grace.

Are you basing your negative feelings on WHY you THINK the mom said NO? Or simply because the mom said NO?

 

Same questions for why your DD was shamed and embarrassed...was it just bc she couldn't sleep over?

 

I think it is unfortunate that the idea that your DD couldn't sleep over was bc of chastity issues was introduced to this thread IF that wasn't the reason or if the reason is unknown. It adds a layer of complication that clouds the whole situation.

[unsinkable]

Later DD asked BF why she couldn't stay, and he said, "That's just my mom." They talked about it further, and there were no special circumstances. He also mentioned, "It's probably because of my siblings." So sorry I didn't describe every detail of every conversation. I'm done here.

Oh, I was posting a reply to you and didn't know you tapped out.

 

Ignore my post above where I quoted you.

[DawnM]

True if he had his own home. . 

 

 

I find it interesting that many who would allow it (sleeping in same rooms, not just on the sofa) are using the "he is an adult" line and yet they are very firm on what that adult should do when it comes to either schooling or holding down a job or doing chores around the house.  The reason given is that it is THEIR house and THEIR rules.  

 

Why wouldn't this situation apply?  (not the too sick to drive, but the sleeping in the same room as several others....not OP).....have mentioned?

 

Anyway, I think this horse was dead several pages ago.

[regentrude]

If I had a situation like goldberry's (GB), I guess I would do the following:

DS comes at 1030-1100 pm and says, "GF is too tired to drive home. I said she can spend the night."

 

Immediate panic. I cannot switch from Almost Bedtime to Surprise! Sleepover! that quickly, that late at night.

 

 

If the situation was:

DS comes in 1030-1100 and says:

"GF is sick, and can't drive home. I said she can spend the night."

 

My first reaction would still be immediate panic

 

May I ask a question? Why is "immediate panic" your response to somebody whom you have known for over a year spending the night?

 

I understand panic as a response to a  late night rap on the door, to a stranger suddenly approaching you, to something that triggers a traumatic memory - but why does the possibility of an overnight guest whom you know well trigger panic? That seems a very strong response to something benign.

Edited July 5, 2017 by regentrude

[Seasider]

The boyfriend invited her to crash on the couch. He is an adult. It is his home. She didn't invite herself.

 

To me, one aspect of this I find rather appalling is an adult child living at home being treated as, well, a child. It was the boyfriend, and adult member of the household, who breached the house rules by extending the invitation, not the girlfriend as guest.

This is the part that has me curious, too. Not so much him having the adult freedom to ask her to sleep on the couch (not debating that aspect, just not focusing on it), but the freedom to drive her home himself. If these young people are adults and talking marriage, they need to be able to exercise their own problem solving skills. How do we really allow our children to mature if we never allow them to make mature, independent choices?

 

We also have no idea how well the young man presented the case to his mom. It may have come off like a very casual, "well, she just doesn't feel like driving home," not, "she feels very unsafe to drive." We just don't know. So maybe I am willing to cut the mom slack on the sleepover. But as for not allowing the son to drive, even if it meant his paying for gas, that's treating him like a child.

 

OP, for the record, my sons' gfs are welcome to stay here when the occasion seems necessary (late night, long drive, bad weather, that sort of thing). I am very happy to provide them hospitality under those circumstances, they either share a room with dd or sleep in the study. It is not a frequent event and I have never felt like the circumstances are contrived. I have, however, found myself profusely apologizing for my less than stellar housekeeping skills.

[Lady Florida.]

I know it can be, but I don't think it's a crisis, no. I have driven sleepy. Heck, when my oldest was a colicky baby, everything I did was sleepy. Are we really assuming that all adults who are tired must not drive?

 

It is a crisis. Have you read any of the links provided?

[unsinkable]

May I ask a question? Why is "immediate panic" your response to somebody whom you have known for over a year spending the night?

 

I understand panic as a response to a late night rap on the door, to a stranger suddenly approaching you, to something that triggers a traumatic memory - but why does the possibility of an overnight guest whom you know well trigger panic? That seems a very strong response to something benign.

Because I would be almost asleep at that point and I'd have to change gears pretty quickly.

 

I'm a very unorganized person in a very small house. I'd have to find bedding, perhaps shift people around in their beds, find toiletries for the GF, find night clothes for the GF.

 

I'd also have to rearrange the bathroom schedule THAT NIGHT bc 1 person does his major bathroom stuff...skin care, shaving, showering, etc after 1100 pm bc everyone else is out of the way. So he doesn't need to rush or get out of the bathroom, etc...That might not be able to happen if we have a guest.

 

So yeah...I'd panic. All those things I'd have to do for an unexpected, unplanned for guest would immediately pop into my mind. And once I started doing all that...I'd be wide awake, and I'd miss my moment of falling asleep. I'd be up until 2 or 3 am at that point.

 

So panic is a good word...can I organize everything I need for this guest in a timely manner, and once I do, will I be able to fall asleep any time soon?....that'd make me panic.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

May I ask a question? Why is "immediate panic" your response to somebody whom you have known for over a year spending the night?

 

I understand panic as a response to a  late night rap on the door, to a stranger suddenly approaching you, to something that triggers a traumatic memory - but why does the possibility of an overnight guest whom you know well trigger panic? That seems a very strong response to something benign.

 

I noticed several posters implying that a single unexpected guest is a major event.  I have to admit it is a head scratcher for me.

[regentrude]

Because I would be almost asleep at that point and I'd have to change gears pretty quickly.

 

I'm a very unorganized person in a very small house. I'd have to find bedding, perhaps shift people around in their beds, find toiletries for the GF, find night clothes for the GF.

 

I'd also have to rearrange the bathroom schedule THAT NIGHT bc 1 person does his major bathroom stuff...skin care, shaving, showering, etc after 1100 pm bc everyone else is out of the way. So he doesn't need to rush or get out of the bathroom, etc...That might not be able to happen if we have a guest.

 

So yeah...I'd panic. All those things I'd have to do for an unexpected, unplanned for guest would immediately pop into my mind. And once I started doing all that...I'd be wide awake, and I'd miss my moment of falling asleep. I'd be up until 2 or 3 am at that point.

 

So panic is a good word...can I organize everything I need for this guest in a timely manner, and once I do, will I be able to fall asleep any time soon?....that'd make me panic.

 

Thanks for taking the time to explain. That helps me understand where you are coming from.

 

[Scarlett]

Because I would be almost asleep at that point and I'd have to change gears pretty quickly.

 

I'm a very unorganized person in a very small house. I'd have to find bedding, perhaps shift people around in their beds, find toiletries for the GF, find night clothes for the GF.

 

I'd also have to rearrange the bathroom schedule THAT NIGHT bc 1 person does his major bathroom stuff...skin care, shaving, showering, etc after 1100 pm bc everyone else is out of the way. So he doesn't need to rush or get out of the bathroom, etc...That might not be able to happen if we have a guest.

 

So yeah...I'd panic. All those things I'd have to do for an unexpected, unplanned for guest would immediately pop into my mind. And once I started doing all that...I'd be wide awake, and I'd miss my moment of falling asleep. I'd be up until 2 or 3 am at that point.

 

So panic is a good word...can I organize everything I need for this guest in a timely manner, and once I do, will I be able to fall asleep any time soon?....that'd make me panic.

 

 

Yes.  This would explain my feelings too.

[Riverland]

I've read most, but probably not all of the posts. The driving tired part has me intrigued. Seriously, have all of you who are stressing the harm in this (and I don't disagree about that) never driven tired before? Being 45 minutes from your destination, do you actually stop and get a hotel or pull over and nap in your car? I'm am actually curious if this is what you do every time you are driving and start to feel tired - especially when you're within 45 minutes of your destination.

[regentrude]

 Seriously, have all of you who are stressing the harm in this (and I don't disagree about that) never driven tired before? Being 45 minutes from your destination, do you actually stop and get a hotel or pull over and nap in your car? I'm am actually curious if this is what you do every time you are driving and start to feel tired - especially when you're within 45 minutes of your destination.

 

My DS has pulled over at an exit 20 minutes from home. And immediately fell asleep for a couple hours.

You can crash in the last five miles.

 

I cannot drive tired. I make sure to avoid it by either switching with another driver as soon as I notice, or not driving at all after an overseas trip etc. (spend night, or get a ride)

Edited July 5, 2017 by regentrude

[Riverland]

My DS has pulled over at an exit 20 minutes from home. And immediately fell asleep for a couple hours.

You can crash in the last five miles.

 

I cannot drive tired. I make sure to avoid it by either switching with another driver as soon as I notice, or not driving at all after an overseas trip etc.

 

Thanks for replying. I'm not disagreeing that it can be dangerous. Just curious if everyone here preaching it (not driving while tired) actually practices it.

[Tangerine]

I think this is an interesting intersection of the real vs. perceived risk topic.  How dangerous is it to drive tired? (Very)  How dangerous is it to sleep in your car at a rest stop. (Probably not very). But to be honest, I probably perceive them in reverse.  Brains are weird.

[FaithManor]

I've read most, but probably not all of the posts. The driving tired part has me intrigued. Seriously, have all of you who are stressing the harm in this (and I don't disagree about that) never driven tired before? Being 45 minutes from your destination, do you actually stop and get a hotel or pull over and nap in your car? I'm am actually curious if this is what you do every time you are driving and start to feel tired - especially when you're within 45 minutes of your destination.

I try to plan well enough to NOT be in that position.

 

If drowsy, I pull off the road, get coffee, get out of the car and walk around in the fresh air, and guzzle the caffeine. If I feel refreshed after that, then I drive on and get home. If not, I take a nap in a parking lot or rest area.

 

My son and I were nearly killed by someone who was screwing around on her phone while driving. We were left permanently injured, ds especially so. I have swerved more than once for people crossing the center line which is common with tired drivers. My nephew ended up in the hospital when hit by a driver who had fallen asleep at the wheel.

 

Anyone's right to "push" to get home for their own inconvenience does not trump anyone else's right to continue living. 

 

Being tired and sleepy is more impaired than being under the influence. I wish they put those drivers that survive the accidents they cause in jail along with the drunk drivers. Certainly licenses should be suspended for a good long while at the very, very minimum. But where injury or death has occurred, these drivers should go to prison, same as the drunks.

 

So ya. I have very strong feelings on the subject. I would imagine that anyone who has survived a potentially lethal car crash would likely feel the same. It's bad enough out there on our congested roads when people are alert, awake, and ready to react to others' mistakes. It gets exponentially worse between the sleepy drivers and the drinking drivers.

[zoobie]

May I ask a question? Why is "immediate panic" your response to somebody whom you have known for over a year spending the night?

 

I understand panic as a response to a late night rap on the door, to a stranger suddenly approaching you, to something that triggers a traumatic memory - but why does the possibility of an overnight guest whom you know well trigger panic? That seems a very strong response to something benign.

Especially in a household that accommodates overnight guests frequently, per the BF's words, I can't imagine that this panics the mother. It was the particular person, not the abstract overnight guest.

[marbel]

I noticed several posters implying that a single unexpected guest is a major event.  I have to admit it is a head scratcher for me.

 

My house isn't well set up for unexpected guests - well, guests at all, really.  We don't have extra bedrooms, though we do have a couch. We have 1.5 baths; for a family of 4 that's OK but one family member has some health issues that cause that person to spend more time in the bathroom than is optimal for sharing.  I don't always have decent food around to offer.  I don't always have the most uncluttered house. 

 

For example, I am sitting in the family room.  The couch where any guest would sleep is covered in clean laundry ready to be folded and put away.  The floor is covered in papers that have accumulated and which I need to deal with (file, recycle, whatever).  The papers are in the way of people walking through the room, and some are of a personal nature so I wouldn't want random people perusing them.   (Not that anyone would make a point of going through papers but it is very easy for something to catch the eye and before people realize it, they know the results of my latest pap smear. Or whatever.  :-) )

 

At 12:30pm on a Wednesday that's not a problem. But if it was late in the evening and I was going to go to bed and deal with laundry and papers tomorrow, but then suddenly there was a guest needing a place to crash, it would necessitate some quick work on my part to get that room ready.  It wouldn't be impossible, nor would it take long, but there would be a few minutes of "ack" and bustling around making the room ready, all the while trying not to make the guest feel like an intruder. 

 

Bravo to those who are always ready with a neat place to put an unexpected overnight guest.  

[EmseB]

I noticed several posters implying that a single unexpected guest is a major event.  I have to admit it is a head scratcher for me.

 

If it's a teen that needs a couch and a blanket, we have no plans for the next day, I have no other stressors on my plate, then no big whoop. Stay over, fend for yourself, don't mind the laundry piles I have all over the place. In most cases. I can think of a couple reasons I'd have to say no, or have other concerns.

 

But I have a large house with many bathrooms and don't have any space concerns, nor do I care if someone gets offended by my lack of housekeeping (mostly).

 

I'm willing to put myself in someone else's shoes and say that my experience or expectations are not universal. It's really not that hard to imagine that someone might be uncomfortable with a spur-of-the-moment overnight guest. Some people I know don't "do" sleepovers at all of any kind.

 

I have learned over the years that hospitality produces a lot of anxiety in some people. I try to be sensitive to this when making plans with my kids and not presuming too much. What's no big deal to me might be a very big deal to someone else, for whatever reason.

[EmseB]

Especially in a household that accommodates overnight guests frequently, per the BF's words, I can't imagine that this panics the mother. It was the particular person, not the abstract overnight guest.

 

Or it could have been the particular day, a particular event they had to get up early for, a particular set of circumstances that made the mom say, "I just can't tonight, can we call her parents, please?"

 

After reading the post again, I still can't figure out why anyone wants to malign that mom and assume it's some kind of chastity thing, even after reading all the follow up posts about it.

 

One day last week my car wouldn't start. I had to get a jump start and go and get a new battery ($$$). Later that evening, I found ants in the garbage. When I went to get something to clean the garbage can I found that under our kitchen sink was flooded and had a leaky pipe. I was at my max. I was ready to cry. If I had a teen come to me at 10:30 at night when I was likely getting ready for bed and tell me they were going to let a friend crash at our place, I would have said, "Oh, please, not tonight. I just can't deal with another thing tonight." That would have been my immediate gut response, right or wrong.  I would hate to think that after the other kid's parents came to pick him up that two other moms in question would gossip about the event and assume I was acting in bad faith and disliked the friend. I would feel sick about that, too.

Edited July 5, 2017 by EmseB

[Tap]

I've read most, but probably not all of the posts. The driving tired part has me intrigued. Seriously, have all of you who are stressing the harm in this (and I don't disagree about that) never driven tired before? Being 45 minutes from your destination, do you actually stop and get a hotel or pull over and nap in your car? I'm am actually curious if this is what you do every time you are driving and start to feel tired - especially when you're within 45 minutes of your destination.

I have pulled over and slept, 5 minutes from my home. LOL

 

I started a new medicine that week and was increasing the dose every couple of days.  I drove my daughter to school one morning which is about 10 minutes from my house. We had to sit in the drop off line for 5 minutes or so and then I drove straight back home. I was awake when we left and not overly sleepy. Cold car, leather interior continued waking me up on the way to school, but heated seats and warm heated air on the way back changed that.  On the way back, I was falling asleep. My natural blinks were lasting wayyyy too long, and I really felt that I was dangerous to drive.   I pulled over in a parking lot and slept for about 15 minutes.  I woke up and drove home.  It was just enough to clear some sleep chemicals from my brain and clear my head, but there is no way I would have continued driving that tired.  It came on suddenly and was overwhelming. My guess it that it was the medicine hitting my system and was the tipping point between awake and asleep in 15 minutes.  I stopped the medicine that day. 

[Renthead Mommy]

I don't get the whole panic either.

 

What should there really be fir you, as Mom, to do? He is 19. He can fetch a pillow and a blanket. He can clear the laundry off the counch. And as for housekeeping, she has been hanging at your house for the last 1.5 years. She already knows what kind of house keeper you are. She doesn't need tioletries, she'd brush her teeth at home the next day. You don't need to rearrange a bathroom svhedule, you need to let the poor girl pee. Something you would probably need to do even if she was leaving on her own, and I am certain you had to do while waiting on her parents. I mean this isn't a stranger, this is someone who has seen the workings of your house for over a year.

 

So now instead of just letting people go to sleep, everyone is now up and waiting at least an hour for her parents to show up. Yes I know it was a 45 minute ride, but they probably needed a few to get redressed and ready to go out at thst time of night.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I've read most, but probably not all of the posts. The driving tired part has me intrigued. Seriously, have all of you who are stressing the harm in this (and I don't disagree about that) never driven tired before? Being 45 minutes from your destination, do you actually stop and get a hotel or pull over and nap in your car? I'm am actually curious if this is what you do every time you are driving and start to feel tired - especially when you're within 45 minutes of your destination.

 

I have napped within 30 minutes.  When you start getting drowsy to the point your eyes are closing, you are a danger and need to be off the road.

 

ETA: there is a difference between being tired and actually being sleepy/drowsy.

Edited July 5, 2017 by ChocolateReignRemix

[Tangerine]

A sudden overnight guest would be difficult for me too. I can't really give great reasons that couldn't be easily overcome beyond "I'm weird and twitchy," or "I have issues with spontaneity." I'd still DO it, but I'd feel weird. Can't help that part.

[Scarlett]

The difference for me, though, is that Goldberry's daughter recognized that she was "too tired to drive" (something a *mature adult* would do, btw, so kudos to goldberry's daughter!) That's what all this has hinged on for me. Sure we've all driven when we're tired. But being "too tired to drive" is more to me than saying, "oh, that was a long shift tonight. I'm tried." She was exhausted. She'd been sick.

I'm a Christian. I live across the street from my pastor. That girl would have been spending the night in my little 1150 sqft house. She'd have been in the guest room or if it was occupied, my son would have slept on the couch and she'd have been in his room. And you know what? If my pastor heard about it, he would have told me good job for looking out for her. Period.

Which is fine and good. But it would not be the only way to handle it. The boys mom opted to call Goldberry and ask her to come pick up her daughter

[EmseB]

The difference for me, though, is that Goldberry's daughter recognized that she was "too tired to drive" (something a *mature adult* would do, btw, so kudos to goldberry's daughter!) That's what all this has hinged on for me. Sure we've all driven when we're tired. But being "too tired to drive" is more to me than saying, "oh, that was a long shift tonight. I'm tried." She was exhausted. She'd been sick.

I'm a Christian. I live across the street from my pastor. That girl would have been spending the night in my little 1150 sqft house. She'd have been in the guest room or if it was occupied, my son would have slept on the couch and she'd have been in his room. And you know what? If my pastor heard about it, he would have told me good job for looking out for her. Period.

 

 

I think it's really awesome that you are able to do something like that in that situation.

 

The part that I don't get is maligning another woman for making a different choice that also got the gf home safely. Instead of doing what you did, she had the gf call her parents.

 

I think it's good to be empathetic to all parties involved.  It sucks that the gf got too tired to drive.  Good on her for recognizing it. It sucks that the bf's mom was in a position that she felt she couldn't host an overnight guest.  Good on her for making sure the girl got home safely and not just kicking her out to drive home anyway.  It sucks that goldberry had to drive 1.5 hours late at night.  Good on her for doing it anyway.

[Sneezyone]

'Come get your kid.' is an approach I've only ever seen/recommended in the context of a child that's beyond one's control, damaged something, did something so egregious that punishment is warranted. Barring those circumstances, Dh and I would deal with it in house and discuss concerns with the other parent (if necessary) later. The scenario described doesn't rise to that level for me, and even if it did, I'd be explaining myself/my perspective to the other parent as a courtesy.

Edited July 5, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Ravin]

True if he had his own home. . 

 

See, this is where I think there is another fundamental set of cultural assumptions at work. An adult child living with parents is not homeless. They are living with their parents by mutual agreement and arrangement. I cannot even fathom not giving a child in that situation the same respect we gave DH's younger brother, who lived with us from his early 20's until last year. 

[Ravin]

Because I would be almost asleep at that point and I'd have to change gears pretty quickly.

 

I'm a very unorganized person in a very small house. I'd have to find bedding, perhaps shift people around in their beds, find toiletries for the GF, find night clothes for the GF.

 

I'd also have to rearrange the bathroom schedule THAT NIGHT bc 1 person does his major bathroom stuff...skin care, shaving, showering, etc after 1100 pm bc everyone else is out of the way. So he doesn't need to rush or get out of the bathroom, etc...That might not be able to happen if we have a guest.

 

So yeah...I'd panic. All those things I'd have to do for an unexpected, unplanned for guest would immediately pop into my mind. And once I started doing all that...I'd be wide awake, and I'd miss my moment of falling asleep. I'd be up until 2 or 3 am at that point.

 

So panic is a good word...can I organize everything I need for this guest in a timely manner, and once I do, will I be able to fall asleep any time soon?....that'd make me panic.

 

Nope. The person who invited her would have to do that. Presumably the 19 yo. knows where the linen closet is? And the living room couch? The ability to warn GF that so-and-so will be occupying the bathroom from 11PM to midnight, and to warn so-and-so and anyone else awake that she is asleep on the couch should also be within the capabilities of a 19 yo.

 

"She's sleeping on the couch? OK." is all you would have to contribute to the situation before going to bed.

[Bluegoat]

I'm really, really marveling at this idea that the neighbors are counting cars and surmising who's sleeping in what beds or couches in what rooms.

 

 

While we have fairly old kids (14-22) and have always had a fairly open house with frequent visitors, we were only recently faced with the OP situation quite recently, over Memorial Day weekend.  Our eldest (22, recently graduated from college, lives in New York) came up Friday evening with her boyfriend (also lives in New York, separate apartment).  They took the train out, I picked them up at the station, they had Friday dinner with us, then stayed over, so they could borrow one of our cars for the rest of the long weekend. 

 

So, from the neighbors' perspective, no strange cars in the driveway at all, though a visiting boyfriend did stay over.

 

Whereas, last weekend, my brother came by, left his (small) car in the driveway and took my husband's (larger) car because he needed to haul a bunch of furniture... so from the neighbors' perspective, an out-of-state car in the driveway, though in fact there was no visitor.

 

And last night, my son's (male) friend drove over and they stayed up binge-watching LOTR.  So from the neighbors' perspective, a strange car, though no BF or GF.  

 

And on and on.  Do neighbors really know who is staying over every time there's a non-family car in the driveway?  What family member they're visiting?  What their relationship is?  Let alone what the sleeping arrangements are?

 

I'm quite fond of my neighbors, and have kept an eye on their house when they've been away (as they have ours); but I truly can't imagine keeping tabs on the cars in their driveway when they're home, let alone speculating on what bed or couch their visitors are sleeping in.  Do people really do that?

 

Well, I mentioned above, people in my cousin's village know who goes where, when.  I don't think it's even conscious, they just know everyone, what they drive, their habits.  My dad's village is bigger, but similar - people know what's going on with people.

 

A number of years ago I had a flat tire about half way into the city, and a farmer came down the hill to give me a hand.  I didn't know him from Adam, we'd never met, but he mentioned that he'd noticed my car was late going in that day!

[Ravin]

I noticed several posters implying that a single unexpected guest is a major event.  I have to admit it is a head scratcher for me.

 

I agree. I've lost track of how many times I've gone downstairs in the morning and found someone asleep on our couch. Most often one of GF's sons, but at times a friend of BIL when he lived with us (at least once a female platonic friend of BIL), or GF's sister, etc.

 

The 13 yo is expected to run it by parents before inviting someone to spend the night, but not the adults. Adults, if possible, are expected to do others the courtesy of letting them know about the guest and, if it's not an emergency, clearing it to make sure there's not a conflict with others' plans (especially sleep schedules), but an emergency as described by the OP? Not a problem.

[Ravin]

I've read most, but probably not all of the posts. The driving tired part has me intrigued. Seriously, have all of you who are stressing the harm in this (and I don't disagree about that) never driven tired before? Being 45 minutes from your destination, do you actually stop and get a hotel or pull over and nap in your car? I'm am actually curious if this is what you do every time you are driving and start to feel tired - especially when you're within 45 minutes of your destination.

 

Yes. On my Monday morning drive to work probably at least once a month I will pull over and nap because I'm flagging despite a large thermos of coffee and ensuring I got six-seven hours of sleep before making the drive (four hours, and I have to arrive by 8AM). No one has ever had a problem with this, even if I'm a few minutes late for work.

[Pen]

I'm really, really marveling at this idea that the neighbors are counting cars and surmising who's sleeping in what beds or couches in what rooms.

 

....

I'm quite fond of my neighbors, and have kept an eye on their house when they've been away (as they have ours); but I truly can't imagine keeping tabs on the cars in their driveway when they're home, let alone speculating on what bed or couch their visitors are sleeping in.  Do people really do that?

 

Small town/ rural life as I have experienced it, is such that no one would have to count cars.  They'd just have to recognize the car. 

 

Suppose your neighbor's teen son were someone your teen dd was in love with and had had a few dates with, and you or your dd saw that a car belonging to another teen girl she knew spent the night.  Might there not be something go through your mind or your teen dd's mind about that?

[marbel]

<snip>

 

I'm willing to put myself in someone else's shoes and say that my experience or expectations are not universal. It's really not that hard to imagine that someone might be uncomfortable with a spur-of-the-moment overnight guest. Some people I know don't "do" sleepovers at all of any kind.

 

I have learned over the years that hospitality produces a lot of anxiety in some people. I try to be sensitive to this when making plans with my kids and not presuming too much. What's no big deal to me might be a very big deal to someone else, for whatever reason.

 

Say what?  

 

That's a rare skill these days.

 

On the other hand, if everyone could do that, this place would be so dull.  

 

:lol:

[Bluegoat]

See, this is where I think there is another fundamental set of cultural assumptions at work. An adult child living with parents is not homeless. They are living with their parents by mutual agreement and arrangement. I cannot even fathom not giving a child in that situation the same respect we gave DH's younger brother, who lived with us from his early 20's until last year. 

 

Hmm.  I generally think adult kids living at home should be treated like adults, as far as coming and going.  (Though if they are sharing a room or something, that factors in as late nights affect others.)

 

But I would actually not consider it appropriate for them to just invite someone, as if it was their own place, unless we had some arrangement or asked if it was ok.

 

I'm not crazy about overnight guests that aren't family or people I know well. It pretty much means I won't be comfortable in the house that night. 

 

There is a reason I don't live with roommates any more.

[Pen]

I grew up in a place like you describe and there is a wonderful sense of community and neighbors looking out for each other. But, there is also a lot of gossip and speculation. And as far as I know, those are not considered Christian values. I would think that Christians living in these types of places would be trying to teach their children not to engage in such behavior, but it would seem difficult to model and do if one was also stressing out about appearances and what others might think instead of focusing on reality.

 

 

Yes.

 

I grew up in impersonal cities and suburbs, not  a place like this, so it is hard for me to learn and grasp what is expected.

 

In this area some of the most conservative of the Christians -- such as Eastern Orthodox, and Mennonite -- have other ways of doing things which do get explained so that people understand a little of what is going on, more or less.

 

I'm glad that I encountered this thread so that I can try to ask some of the "old timers" I have gotten to know well before the time comes to need the info.  

[Pen]

Well, I mentioned above, people in my cousin's village know who goes where, when.  I don't think it's even conscious, they just know everyone, what they drive, their habits.  My dad's village is bigger, but similar - people know what's going on with people.

 

 

 

Yep!

[Harriet Vane]

I've read most, but probably not all of the posts. The driving tired part has me intrigued. Seriously, have all of you who are stressing the harm in this (and I don't disagree about that) never driven tired before? Being 45 minutes from your destination, do you actually stop and get a hotel or pull over and nap in your car? I'm am actually curious if this is what you do every time you are driving and start to feel tired - especially when you're within 45 minutes of your destination.

 

We are not talking about feeling a little tired.

 

Yes, I do pull over to sleep when I am foggy and it is an effort to keep my eyes open. Once I pulled over because my head literally bobbed with the effort of keeping awake. That incident made me really scared--I was so tired I was hardly able to hold myself awake. It does not matter how close you are to home at that point; you must pull over.

 

My cousin died (mentioned in an earlier post) when I was in my twenties, and that has stayed with me over the years. I was definitely thinking of her the night I described above.

 

I have found that, on a long car trip (when I am the lone driver for 6+ hours of driving), if I am proactive about taking 1-2 really short catnaps (10-15 minutes) followed by a brisk walk, I am in great shape for the whole day's driving. No caffeine needed. In that case, I don't wait for extreme fatigue. I just plan for when the catnap will occur and make it happen.

[teachermom2834]

A sudden overnight guest would be difficult for me too. I can't really give great reasons that couldn't be easily overcome beyond "I'm weird and twitchy," or "I have issues with spontaneity." I'd still DO it, but I'd feel weird. Can't help that part.

This! Having kids is honestly one big inconvenience for me at least. Lol. Even if I felt annoyed or twitchy or whatever I would get over it and pull it together. It is the lesser evil in my opinion.

 

Ds had a male friend ask to crash the other night to avoid long late drive home. I told ds to take care of him and I went to bed with hardly more than "hey, how are ya? I'm going to bed." He was gone before I woke up.

 

I would be nicer to a potential DIL though.

[Seasider]

Well this old custom just might have made the whole thing a nonissue.

 

http://family.jrank.org/pages/186/Bundling.html

 

(jk y'all. trying to keep it light.)

[BlsdMama]

Having an 18yo and 22yo makes me wonder how others handle this situation.

 

My deal with my kids for college is that I will pay living expenses if they live at home, they pay their tuition.  I hope they both live at home until they finish college so that they can graduate with less debt, but the choice is up to them. 

 

Due to young adults living at home becoming more and more common, I wonder how other families handle teenage (post high school)/early 20's couples and sleeping over. 

 

 

Potential banishment.

 

 

Um, no, never.  We do not advocate a physical relationship before marriage.  Ever.  In no circumstance would I *ever* put my stamp of approval or even remotely let them consider that I might overlook it, even NOT in my house.

[zoobie]

Potential banishment.

 

 

Um, no, never. We do not advocate a physical relationship before marriage. Ever. In no circumstance would I *ever* put my stamp of approval or even remotely let them consider that I might overlook it, even NOT in my house.

Banishment? What does that mean?

 

I think I must be mixing you up with another poster whose daughter was recently married and welcomed a baby and was not banished from the home.

[brehon]

I've read most, but probably not all of the posts. The driving tired part has me intrigued. Seriously, have all of you who are stressing the harm in this (and I don't disagree about that) never driven tired before? Being 45 minutes from your destination, do you actually stop and get a hotel or pull over and nap in your car? I'm am actually curious if this is what you do every time you are driving and start to feel tired - especially when you're within 45 minutes of your destination.

I have not driven home from my work (various EMS stations) after my shift ended if I felt too tired. None of the stations in my system is more than 45 minutes away from my house and most are under 20 minutes. I crash in a recliner or on the couch for a couple of hours. All of my colleagues are encouraged to do the same. It would be a tragedy to my family and friends if I killed myself if a wreck. It would be unforgivable if I injured or killed innocent people while driving