Parents, adult children, and visits

[BarbecueMom]

If your healthy, still on speaking terms, non-elderly parent lives within driving distance, but isn't local, who visits who?

 

I have not seen my father but twice in the last four years, and he has not been here to visit since my-now 7yo was a toddler. He lives four hours away, is in his mid 50's with two teenage sons at home, vacations frequently (has a camper, a boat, and a timeshare) and has a VERY active social life. So not travel averse or anything.

 

The two times we've visited (when I was pregnant with DS3 and for my grandfather's funeral), I was so sick the entire time with whatever GI issue keeps me incapacitated most evenings. And DH was miserably achy (he's had two back surgeries). Plus, we have three little kids. Travel is really hard on us. Dad knows this.

 

I'm wondering if there's something ingrained in his family culture that adult children always travel to see their parents, not the other way around, no matter what except in an emergency. I don't know how it works with my uncle's grown kids (who live out of state), but I don't remember my grandparents ever visiting their adult kids. The adult kids always came to them.

 

I wonder if there's resentment on his end that my brother and I aren't "holding up our end" and visiting him frequently, while we're wondering why he never makes the effort to carve time out to visit us. It's not that I don't want to make the trip, I just physically can't do it.

 

Honestly, I only have time to think about it late at night like this, or I'd just ask him what's going on. I think it's on my mind lately because he mentioned at one point "maybe" coming down to see DS play baseball last weekend. I wasn't holding my breath.

 

I was just curious how other families handle this and what's the range of normal.

[maize]

My parents are not within easy driving distance but it is much easier and less expensive for two people to travel than nine so they usually come visit us.

[maize]

Have you actively invited and encouraged him to come visit?

[AnnE-girl]

My in-laws (four hours away) and my parents (1.5 hours away) both come to our house more often than we go to their homes. They know that it's easier for them to visit than for us to pack up the kids. Have you actually invited him for a specific time?

[BarbecueMom]

Have you actively invited and encouraged him to come visit?

Yes. I always let him know when the kids have events, and he always has a reason not to come. I sent him DS's baseball schedule and highlighted the weekend games. He gave me a date (last weekend) that he thought would work. Turned out to be "the big drawing at the so-and-so club", so he couldn't make it.

 

Then again, when I was a kid he told my mom he didn't want to go to my baseball games because he hated baseball. Or sitting near her. One of those was probably true, hehe.

[happypamama]

My parents are about 2-2.5 hours from us, depending on which route one takes. They are either in their RV because they like to travel and like coming to our area (we don't even see them every day if they're here; they have their own things they like to do too) or they have their small, fuel-efficient car. If we visit them, we have to take my gas guzzler, which means $$, and either we take the 2.5 hour route or we take the 2 hour route that requires tolls. Plus their house is small because it's built for a couple of retirees who travel a lot. They raised four kids and will readily agree that it makes more sense to come to us.

 

My ILs are about 3.5 hours away, and they come up here more often than we visit them. We go there once or twice a year. They tend to go visit my SIL more than she and her family visit them as well. When we lived barely two hours from my ILs, my parents lived ten minutes across town from my ILs, and we only had one or two children, so we'd go over for a weekend about as often as one set of parents would come to visit us.

 

My mom's parents lived about two hours away, and mostly, they would come to visit us. We'd go there a couple of times a year, but mostly they'd be coming to celebrate one of our birthdays or for a special event (like graduation), so they'd come to us.

[City Mouse]

Since he still has teens at home, I think the situation is a bit different that a typical empty-nester grandparent.

 

In my DHs family, my DH is only about 10 yrs older than his oldest nephew, and there is one more sibling younger than my DH. When my DHs older sibling was wanting someone to be "grandma" and do all the things they thought grandmas should do such has having the kids spend the night at grandma's house, grandma was busy being a parent to her own kids and didn't have time to be that kind of grandparent. She had her own set of games and concerts to attend, and didn't want drive the 2 hrs to attend grandson's events.

Yes, that situation did cause hard feeling with some of her children, and those grandchildren were never as close with her as the younger grandchildren, but at the time that was the best she could do.

[Arcadia]

My in-laws expect their children to visit them but they did pop by many times unannounced when we were staying in the same country because ours is a condo and MIL likes to use the sauna in the condo's clubhouse.

 

When we relocated to the states, they would hint that my husband should pay for their airfare and take leave to bring them to the tourist spots. The good thing is they didn't expect me and our kids to tag along so my husband can drive them daily from dawn to dusk while I relax with our kids at home. We are financially comfortable but not to the extent of affording $6k for their travel expenses yearly so they have visited us three times in 12 years.

 

My side of the family, both paternal and maternal, loves being out of the house. They happily visit their kids and grandkids even if they have to pay their own airfare or train fare. My elderly aunts don't drive and they don't want to trouble their kids to come pick them up so they would sometimes pay for cab but mostly take public transport if possible. My parents have flown here and visited many times to help us out with babysitting as my older boy avoids noise and my younger loves to be noisy. They won't take airfare money from my husband.

 

I do have a paternal aunt who has an abusive late husband (dad's brother) and no savings. Her kids give her money and she use some of it on public transport to visit her grandkids. Now her kids (in their 50s) come and drive her as her rheumatism is worse making public transport less convenient.

[heartlikealion]

define non-elderly ;)

 

When my parents were in better health they used to travel. MIL and FIL aren't into traveling, but they have come on a few occasions. Like they insisted on coming when the kids were born. Mostly dh and I do the traveling (few hours by car). For major holidays we go to their homes, but it is also more practical because dh's sister and her family meet up there.

 

I have a feeling that your dad is choosing what he does based on what interests him. Maybe events don't interest him (like the baseball, sounds like that maybe never interested him). You know he likes camping. Would he be interested in a camping get together? Something like that?

[HSMWB]

When we lived on the other side of the world from parents - they both did what they could to come visit us, and when ever we were able to come home we visited both.

 

When we lived a 24 hr. car ride, or several hour plane ride away - the in-laws might have came a few more times to visit, but they were retired and could take more vacations.  I would spend long summers back home with my parents and the kids and we would go see in-laws multiple times.

 

We now live 1 hour from in-laws and 2 1/2 hour car ride from parents - they both come and visit us mainly for special things that the kids are doing or a special celebration at our house.  My husband commutes for work to same city in-laws live in, so they sometimes meet for lunch, and if we are in the city for a homeschool fieldtrip or something we will invite them along sometimes.  I get the feeling they wish we would visit them more often, but, well we are busy as well and can only do what we can do. 

As far as my parents - our kids love going to the city they live in, and we do make a point to visit and spend a couple of weeks in the summer so that they can get bonding time with cousins as well.  But generally if we go visit them, I feel like we need to spend the night and it is logistically difficult to get multiple days with no commitments back home.  And generally this means Daddy can't come since he has work.  But if there is something special going on we will make the trip for one day.

Edited June 8, 2017 by HSMWB

[Sherry in OH]

We live nine hours from my parents.  We visit once a year, they visit us once or twice a year.  

 

We are one and a half hours from MIL.  She prefers that we visit her, although over the past couple of years she has come to some of the children's events.  She never comes just to visit.  

 

 

[Carrie12345]

I've never had family that lived in a 4-hour range, so I can't compare directly.

 

I grew up with grandparents about an hour away, and we visited often.  Most often, we went to their houses, but it wasn't unheard of for them to come to ours, especially for birthday celebrations.

 

My mom and stepdad (and two sisters and two nieces) live about 12 hours away.  They all come north more often than we go south, for lots of reasons.  The rest of our extended family is up here, so they visit multiple people. It's cheaper for the two of them than the 7 of us. They have more flexibility in their schedules. And I hate where they live!

 

Even 12 hours away, we probably see them at least once a year.  There may have been a year or two that we've missed, but there have been other years when we've met up 3 or 4 times, plus an extra visit from a sister or two.  

[winterbaby]

Does he have a second family? I ask because you mention that he has "sons" (not that you have brothers) and that he can't stand your mom. If so, it may sadly be the case that he's just not that into you and your kids as the product of his first marriage. This is something I live with... my dad's identity as a dad is tied up with his new family to the point his stepchildren are treated better and it's like I'm the stepchild. It's painful but there may not be a lot you can do about it.

[purpleowl]

My parents are about a six-hour drive away. We visit them and they visit us. Sometimes it seems like we've visited them several times in a row, and sometimes it's the other way around. We just kind of do what works. 

 

It probably ends up with us going there slightly more often, but that's largely because we time our trips so we can see my sister and her family as well. They live in MD, we're in FL, and my parents are in GA. It's far easier for us to see each other if we meet at our parents' house!

[EMS83]

I'm not sure about the "not local, but within easy driving distance."  Growing up, the kids mostly went to the parents.  BUT for me and my parents, that was hundreds of miles, so only a couple times each year we saw my grandparents.  The more local families usually went to the grandparents, but sometimes on my mom's side, the grandparents would go visit the families.  My dad's parents were farmers and rarely left the farm.  My parents simply moved to our town when they retired.

[Beth S]

From my perspective, it just looks like both you and your Dad have difficulties with travel.

I would just accept that, and use Facetime & Skype to keep in touch.

[lavender's green]

My grandma lived across the street from us and never, ever came to visit without being invited, but was the first person to get super-huffy if she felt you weren't dropping by often enough. She was the same with all her 10 kids, she just considered it the child's/grandchild's duty to come visit her regularly, but would never reciprocate. It wasn't that she couldn't get out or didn't enjoy visiting, because she often visited her siblings, friends, and in-laws without an invitation or even a call beforehand. She was actually quite a social butterfly always dropping in on people, just never her own kids. I assume it was an old family tradition handed down to her. It drove everyone batty, mainly because of her complaining. However, she always came when invited, and went to as many grandchild events as her health could handle.

 

My DH's parents never call, yet act hurt and wistful if they feel it's been too long since he's last called. He has a terrible memory and with him everything that's out of sight is out of mind, so if I don't remind him and he doesn't have something important to report, it usually just doesn't happen. They all know this about him. It's one of his lifelong absent-minded professor-type traits. They do come to visit us from 800 miles away, though. I just mention the phone call thing because it reminds me of my grandma. Some family cultures just have a strong belief that the adult child is the one who has to put their foot forward, never the parent. I sometimes wonder if it's some sort of test of love. In which case DH is only passing the test by copying off my paper!

[BarbecueMom]

Does he have a second family? I ask because you mention that he has "sons" (not that you have brothers) and that he can't stand your mom. If so, it may sadly be the case that he's just not that into you and your kids as the product of his first marriage. This is something I live with... my dad's identity as a dad is tied up with his new family to the point his stepchildren are treated better and it's like I'm the stepchild. It's painful but there may not be a lot you can do about it.

Yes, he married when he was 40, adopted his wife's son, and they have another child together. My parents never married. Never really dated either, just managed to have two kids together, eight years apart. It's complicated.

 

He had a lot of trouble going from the "one weekend a month" dad to the "every single night" dad. It was a big change for him, one that didn't go as well as he expected. He doesn't do "kid stuff" well at all. I'm sure he's more invested in his current household, and should be.

[BarbecueMom]

define non-elderly ;)

 

When my parents were in better health they used to travel. MIL and FIL aren't into traveling, but they have come on a few occasions. Like they insisted on coming when the kids were born. Mostly dh and I do the traveling (few hours by car). For major holidays we go to their homes, but it is also more practical because dh's sister and her family meet up there.

 

I have a feeling that your dad is choosing what he does based on what interests him. Maybe events don't interest him (like the baseball, sounds like that maybe never interested him). You know he likes camping. Would he be interested in a camping get together? Something like that?

Non-elderly, meaning in his early-mid 50's, still working, still with kids at home. Decent health.

 

We can't do camping, but I'm not sure if he enjoys camping or not. He's been trying to sell his camper for a couple years.

 

I think what irritates me a little is that just visiting isn't enough of a reason. He doesn't have to come see a baseball game if he doesn't want to. FIL has been to several of his girlfriend's kid's games this season but never his grandson's, and he's local. I'm not concerned about that. I just roll my eyes at phone calls that list all the trips he's taken, the timeshare he bought, the parties they had on their boat, the concerts they've attended, followed by, "I'd really love to come down and visit you and the boys, but who has the time?"

Edited June 8, 2017 by BarbecueMom

[SparklyUnicorn]

My dad is the one who always visits because if we visited it would be too much driving in one day OR we'd have to stay in a hotel.  He lives in a very small apartment. 

 

Don't know about your family's culture, but this was true of my grandparents.  They never ever never visited.  You HAD to visit them.  They were just like that for some reason.  My dad isn't like that though because if he were he'd never see his grand children.  It's just completely impractical for us to visit. 

 

 

[BarbecueMom]

My dad is the one who always visits because if we visited it would be too much driving in one day OR we'd have to stay in a hotel. He lives in a very small apartment.

 

Don't know about your family's culture, but this was true of my grandparents. They never ever never visited. You HAD to visit them. They were just like that for some reason. My dad isn't like that though because if he were he'd never see his grand children. It's just completely impractical for us to visit.

I don't know why I never considered the family culture thing before this weekend, but it fits. And, for a while, most of the grandchildren on that side of the family were, um, "illegitimate" (my dad is the middle child of seven stereotypical preacher's kids). I don't think my dad's parents were going to step in all their kids' messy lives or get involved with grandchildren and the other parent that they may not end up having a relationship with. I guess that pattern stuck.

 

Although, I have an incredibly boring normal stable home life. But out of 13 adult grandchildren, I am the only one with kids of my own. I think my cousins have been scared by the antics of our parents at our age.

[Wheres Toto]

I think my in-laws and my dad at least are in the "elderly" category.  

 

We are about 2 1/2 hours away from in-laws.  Until a couple years ago, in-laws would still occasionally come up and visit our house, for example when we had our annual swim/birthday party for the kids.  But our house is very small so even one extra person makes a big difference.  I know at least MIL used to go visit dh in North Carolina when he lived down there.   Dh and the kids go down to visit them about once a month/once every other month.  Dh and his mom talk every week.  

 

My dad lives about an hour away from us.  We see him a few times a year, pretty much on the usual holidays - Christmas, his Birthday in April, Father's Day, our swim/birthday party in August.    They always come to our house because they have cats and birds and ds and I are allergic.  Occasionally we'll meet at a restaurant.  Both of them are less mobile these days so I'm not sure how long they'll be able to come over.  We don't have any real stairs (one step up to deck) and everything is on one level, which is probably why it's been able to continue this long.

 

My mother lives about 10 minutes away, and about 2 minutes from where the kids do TKD.  We usually would go to her house, but we've started to make a switch to her coming here since it's just her now.  Dh likes to cook and this way she doesn't feel she has to jump up and do the dishes the second dinner is over.   :001_rolleyes:   We have a very nice, quiet property so she likes to come and sit outside weather permitting.  As part of her Mother's Day gift, I told her we'd start going to lunch every week.  We usually go at least once a month, but we're starting this new tradition today.

[vonfirmath]

If your healthy, still on speaking terms, non-elderly parent lives within driving distance, but isn't local, who visits who?

 

My parents live two days away (though they are moving closer (same state) next summer; They just bought the property. YAY!)  They almost exclusively come to visit us -- they are in state so often that my kids have never seen their house in SC. At this point, they are not going to.  Though this summer we are both travelling to Ohio to have a joint vacation there.

 

DH's parents live 1.5 days away.  We seem to take turns seeing each other. Sometimes they come here (They are coming to Dallas in October and we are joining them there).  Sometimes we go there (We were there August 2016 last)

 

Growing up, we almost exclusively travelled to visit my grandparents.  I can remember my mom's parents came to see us twice. And I know my dad's dad came down once to help him set up the garage office, etc in their new house (But I do not remember this trip at all)

 

In my husband's family, growing up, his father was orphaned when he was 4 years old. (FIL's dad died in a car-pedestrian accident). They had the mother living next door to them when DH was very little (<4 years old) but then she died.

 

His mother's father died (heart attack) the day she found out she was pregnant with my DH.  Grandma travelled around the country, spending time (2 weeks-3 weeks at a time) with all her grandchildren in turn. And the grandchildren travelled back to D.C. for large parts of the summer to spend time with grandma and the cousins.  I don't think any other trips happened.

Edited June 8, 2017 by vonfirmath

[LostSurprise]

People and cultures vary, sometimes even within a couple. 

 

My mother loves to visit and doesn't mind spending the night. My father, even when he was healthy, hates visiting and hates my mother leaving him at home. He just doesn't like being out of his comfort zone. After a decade or so they came to a point where my mother would come up herself, for one night, for a special occasion and he realized he was okay visiting and staying in a hotel once or twice a year. We spend more time at the hotel pool than he spends in our home. His mother is one of the 'you must visit me, I'm the grandmother' type. I love her dearly but it's hard to get her to leave her home and be driven across town for occasions like Christmas. She doesn't feel comfortable. 

 

DH's parents visited often before his mother became ill. They liked to drive and were very spur of the moment (but always calling to ask permission first). 

 

 

Both sets of parents live 2.5-3 hours away and we visit them far more (every 1-2 months) then they visit us. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't know why I never considered the family culture thing before this weekend, but it fits. And, for a while, most of the grandchildren on that side of the family were, um, "illegitimate" (my dad is the middle child of seven stereotypical preacher's kids). I don't think my dad's parents were going to step in all their kids' messy lives or get involved with grandchildren and the other parent that they may not end up having a relationship with. I guess that pattern stuck.

 

Although, I have an incredibly boring normal stable home life. But out of 13 adult grandchildren, I am the only one with kids of my own. I think my cousins have been scared by the antics of our parents at our age.

 

I will say it's not super awesome.  My dad visits too much sometimes.  He's alone and really doesn't have many hobbies or ppl in his life.  I feel bad to complain about this, but when he is here it's kinda like having another kid to pick up after.  I mostly bite my tongue because he is pretty much the only family I have and the kids are happy when he visits. 

 

I also wonder if maybe your dad doesn't want to be a guest and likes doing his own thing.  My dad comes here and behaves as if he is alone with no consideration of the rest of us.  When I've called him out on that he seems to think he is justified because that is what he is used to.  Drives me batty.  :glare:

[Χά�ων]

My parents are not old enough to be in the elderly category but their health puts them there.

 

They live just over an hour away and do not visit. They will come get DS but that is about it. I can not drive that far anymore. Inlaws are closer, but do not come visit.

 

The reason given is our house has 4 steps to the main level, the front does not have hand rails. All of them seem to view walking the few steps to the entrance with hand rails as just too much trouble. Due to weird zoning laws we cannot add handrails to the front.

 

One set of parents took the steps as a personal afront, the other just use it as justification for not visiting and to whine about us not spending every spare minute at their house.

 

 

Both sets of parents are retired. We have multiple children with major health issues that require frequent medical appointments. We are also in the midst of a vital major home improvement project that we have to work on daily. We literaly cannot go for a short visit. A 2 hour visit is not what kills it, it is the 1-2 hours driving on top of that that makes it just not feasible.

[BarbecueMom]

I will say it's not super awesome. My dad visits too much sometimes. He's alone and really doesn't have many hobbies or ppl in his life. I feel bad to complain about this, but when he is here it's kinda like having another kid to pick up after. I mostly bite my tongue because he is pretty much the only family I have and the kids are happy when he visits.

 

I also wonder if maybe your dad doesn't want to be a guest and likes doing his own thing. My dad comes here and behaves as if he is alone with no consideration of the rest of us. When I've called him out on that he seems to think he is justified because that is what he is used to. Drives me batty. :glare:

LOL, your dad sounds like my mom. Right after your last visit thread with the dietary issues, my mom calls with the whole "I have to change my whole diet per the doctor, I'm going to starve, nothing will ever taste good again!" Blah blah blah. On one hand, I never hear from my dad, on the other, I'm telling my mom that I don't need to personally approve everything she eats!

 

I think there's some awkwardness at being a guest. I do think he's very extroverted and very much enjoys an "adult life" with friends and fun. FIL is the same way. If there's ever a conflict between family and their social circles, the social circle comes first. I will say that FIL did the widowed/divorced solo parent thing, so he's sort of paid his dues. Dad did willingly pay child support, so maybe that's something. I don't know. I've got to go "pay my dues" right now before the kids tear up the basement and/or each other with stick wands.

[Caroline]

My parents are elderly. They are approaching 80., and live in a retirement community in Florida I would say about every two months they are either visiting one of their daughters, on a cruise, on a driving trip to visit someone else, or just on a vacation. I am the closest kid, and I am 600 miles from them. They now take two days to drive here so they can avoid ATL traffic at rush hour. My younger sister and older sister are more than 1000 miles from them. I would say my parents drive to visit each of them at least once a year. About every other year, my parents visit my uncle in Colorado. Now, they do buy a new car every couple of years to make sure they have reliable transportation. (They also have a second car that my dad keeps well maintained for his grandkids to drive when they visit.)

 

Did I answer the question? I really do have the best parents in the entire world. I truly believe that. And I think it's because my parents had great parents. Now my great grandparents all either lived with my parents when they were growing up, or just down the street. Even though we are spread apart, my family culture is to have a close family. While I was typing this, I got text messages from both my parents and my sisters. We are in constant communication. I know that would drive some people batty, and it does me, too, sometimes. Hence the do not disturb mode on my phone. But they understand that I need my down time and respect that.

[Bambam]

My parents rarely came to see us. Because, you know, they couldn't leave the dogs with anyone else. 

I think they came twice in a 5-6 year period. And they stayed for dinner. That's it. Because, you know, they had to get home to check on the dogs. We lived in Houston, they lived in mid-Georgia once. It was a long drive just for a dinner. 

 

But that was just my parents. They traveled a lot when they were younger (Dad was in the service), and they were tired of it and really just wanted to stay home. And there were the dogs that they couldn't leave (do I sound still just a little ticked off about the dogs? Maybe because my mom made my firstborn several baby blankets but gave them to the dogs because they liked them. She finally gave us one and probably only because my sister guilted her into it.)

 

So, we always went to see my parents. When they moved to the Midwest, I would either fly or drive with two small kiddos to try to have some sort of a relationship with them. My dh had to work, so he only came a couple of times. We typically only went once a year. Both my parents are dead now, and I'm glad I made the effort while they were alive even though it wasn't always easy. 

 

But, older people lots of time don't like to leave the comfort of their own home. I get that. I hope if/when I have grandchildren, I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone and travel to see them on a regular basis. Because taking long road trips or plane rides with littles can be done, but it is not always fun!

 

 

[MysteryJen]

I think this just depend on the personalities and cultures involved. My mom and dmil are local, but we see dmil much, much more. She is 81 and still on her own, driving well, so she comes to the things of our lives. Swim meets (she has seen some amazing things), tennis tournaments, recitals, etc. Because of her efforts, the kids love to include her and they have great relationships. My mother, otoh, has been invited, but never comes. She complains that we don't come and see her and expects us to come to her. I know she drives all over for her friends, but swim meets are too far away. It used to bother me, but now, it just is the way it is. Relationships take effort on both sides. My kids would do anything for dmil, as she has demonstrated real love and interest in their lives.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

LOL, your dad sounds like my mom. Right after your last visit thread with the dietary issues, my mom calls with the whole "I have to change my whole diet per the doctor, I'm going to starve, nothing will ever taste good again!" Blah blah blah. On one hand, I never hear from my dad, on the other, I'm telling my mom that I don't need to personally approve everything she eats!

 

I think there's some awkwardness at being a guest. I do think he's very extroverted and very much enjoys an "adult life" with friends and fun. FIL is the same way. If there's ever a conflict between family and their social circles, the social circle comes first. I will say that FIL did the widowed/divorced solo parent thing, so he's sort of paid his dues. Dad did willingly pay child support, so maybe that's something. I don't know. I've got to go "pay my dues" right now before the kids tear up the basement and/or each other with stick wands.

 

Last time he visited he said to me, "I get a sense I'm overstaying my welcome."  It's only taken him 10+ years to notice.  LOL  I told him it wasn't so much he was overstaying his welcome, but I was brutally honest about him being a crappy guest.  He agreed.  He didn't really change after that, but he agreed.  So I dunno what to do with that. I don't want to deal with his food stuff, and I don't want to clean up after him.  Those are the two things.  I'm willing to compromise on some of that, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable.  Like one night he overcooked rice in a pan so it was stuck on there.  You know that stuff is like cement.  So while I think he should wash his own damn dishes at the very least he could have put some water in the pain so as to not make it hell for me to clean.  So I told him that too.  He even said he thought about it, but doesn't know why he didn't do it. Good grief. 

 

fun times...

[goldberry]

We have had healthy parents both 4 hours and 13 hours away.  In both cases it was *mostly* us visiting them, but with occasional visits from them (once a year at least).  

 

Now that parents are older, both sets are 13 hours away.  The healthy ones still come here on occasion.  One has dementia so we go there more often.

 

Your case would annoy me.

[lauraw4321]

It was always my family culture for kids to visit parents. Occasionally my grandparents would come for a specific kid-event, but otherwise we were always the one visiting them. I think this was because it was expected that the grandparents host (i.e. you stay there, they provide all of the meals for everyone). It would be seen as rude for grandparents to stay with their adult kids and have adult kids host them. Older generation always pays. That's just my family, though, so YMMV.

[Heather in OK]

I'm three hours from my Mom.  She comes here for Thanksgiving.  We go there over New Years to celebrate Christmas with her.  We used to go visit her over Mother's Day but the last several years I've been on-call.  When the kids were younger and we did birthday parties, she came for each of their birthdays.  She adopted a 13yo a couple years ago.  Visits are stressful.  Those two visits are enough for me and my family.  :blink:

My ILs moved to FL last Spring.  We've seen them once since their move when we went to FL for vacation.  I really wish we could see them more often.  I miss them being six miles away.   :crying:  MIL is late 70s and FIL is early 80s but they are very healthy but the travel expenses are too much for them to visit on their fixed income.  

[Guest]

My parents are not within easy driving distance but it is much easier and less expensive for two people to travel than nine so they usually come visit us.

Yes, we flat out told my family a few years ago we wouldn't be visiting anymore except for me and one kid on a companion ticket for things like funerals, we just cannot afford it at our stage of life and with so many bodies.

 

People started flying to visit us a lot more than before we laid that out. The expectation was clearly that we should do the travel before we refused.

[matrips]

My parents and our family have done both. My dad was almost 80 was my triplets were born. For the first couple years, they came to visit us every couple months by train, since we did not travel with the little ones back then. They usually preferred a hotel to staying with us. Too noisy at our small house I think! :)

When the kids were about 3, we used to visit them about every month (150 miles or so), and they would come down once or twice a year. Then it was all us traveling to see them as they got older.

 

Similar with in laws though MIL now lives 1400 miles away and is 87. She visits us once a year and we visit every summer. When we were closer (less than 500 miles) and she was younger, she visited more and so did we.

[ksr5377]

We are three hours away, one way, from my family.  In the past 6 months my parents have been here 3 times and we have been there 5 times.  We do travel to them more than they do to us, mainly because that's where the rest of my family is so all big family events are there.  For example, one of our trips was specifically for my nieces First Communion and another one for a close cousins baby shower. I got to see my parents on those visits but there wasn't a lot of downtime with just our family to visit. Thankfully my parents are now empty nesters so my whole family has a bed to sleep in at their house.  Before that, when we would sleep in a hotel, my parents would help to pay for it.  As time goes on and they are getting older (they are early 60's now) I expect to be doing the majority, if not all, of the visits.  

[heartlikealion]

Non-elderly, meaning in his early-mid 50's, still working, still with kids at home. Decent health.

 

We can't do camping, but I'm not sure if he enjoys camping or not. He's been trying to sell his camper for a couple years.

 

I think what irritates me a little is that just visiting isn't enough of a reason. He doesn't have to come see a baseball game if he doesn't want to. FIL has been to several of his girlfriend's kid's games this season but never his grandson's, and he's local. I'm not concerned about that. I just roll my eyes at phone calls that list all the trips he's taken, the timeshare he bought, the parties they had on their boat, the concerts they've attended, followed by, "I'd really love to come down and visit you and the boys, but who has the time?"

 

I might be a little lost here. It's your dad that you want to visit, right? But FIL is local? And neither are coming to your son's games?

 

I can understand the frustration that just visiting isn't enough of a reason. I think some people are just like that. Especially if they drive a long distance (one time my in-laws came to visit us and then wanted to go to another town another hour away to hit up some tamale place and go to a museum with us. Wasn't my idea of fun but to each their own). Well, is there anything you can think of to make it more appealing? No, you shouldn't have to. But it sounds like it would help. A trip to (insert place your son and he would like. Is there an exhibit or particular store). Eating out at (insert place he doesn't get to go normally but enjoys). So maybe baseball and camping aren't really his thing. What about bowling or laser tag or a game of chess or checkers? Something at the theater? I don't know. If he has to be entertained then I wouldn't blame you if you didn't go out of your way. But if you think it's important it might not hurt to run some ideas by him. He might be clueless about what there is to do where you live.

[Pam in CT]

We go there and they also come here.  Until quite recently when my father's health deteriorated, they probably came to us more often; now it's the other way around.  But we've lived within driving distance.  During the nearly 20 years when my brother lived in Asia, he came to the US once a year -- during that whole time, they only went to him twice, even after he had a family (so it was much more expensive for them, than my parents).  

 

As people age, it seems they very often are more comfortable sleeping in their own beds.  I get that.

[Zinnia]

We live 1.5/2 hours from my parents (depends on traffic) and 6 from my inlaws.

 

My parents come to our house about once or twice a year. We go over about 16 times a year.

 

My inlaws have visited us 3 times in the last 7 years, though they visit their daughters more (2 live in one town, and they go up for 2 weeks every Christmas for the last 35 years). We visit them about 3 times a year.

[2_girls_mommy]

My mom and step dad are within 4 hrs. When my kids were younger like two toddlers they still had a teenager at home. They came here for bday parties often and sometimes for the occasional holiday. I went there for most holidays that we weren't going to dh's family. 

 

Now they are older and my step dad cannot travel at all and requires care and supervision. It has kept my mom from being close to my kids, but she isn't the super maternal type anyway. So I don't know if things would be super different otherwise. But she can't get care for her dh to come visit often or long. She still does about once a year for a day for a bday party or special kid event. But she comes for the day and has to get home, so is only here for a few hours.  Sometimes we meet halfway and have an adventure for the day in the summer or on school breaks. I go all the way to her house quite often for a weekend. I would say on average we did it every other month this school year tbh. I can get away with the kids without dh quite often, and he went for holidays. 

[Murphy101]

Many years ago my in laws said, "You see the people you want to see when you want to see them."

 

They live 20-30 minutes away, we see them approx 4 times a year. Less if we don't go to them. They travel all over the nation and internationally just to play golf or sight see or visit other family members, so I guess they just don't care to see their only child or his family much.

 

I find this anywhere from sad to bizarre to infuriating depending on how much I think it is hurting my dh's feelings. My kids don't know any different for the most part, but my teens and older? They are old enough to feel the lack of desire to bother visiting is now mutual. My in laws home is within 5 minutes of my colleges boys travel to/from college. Not once have they stopped in to visit, though I have told them they probably should. I think it's sad, but there's not much I can do about it beyond encouraging my kids to be open should my in laws ever decide to be more welcoming bc my in laws have exactly the relationship they have not bothered to cultivate with their son and grandchildren.

[QueenCat]

When my parents were still physically able, they came often. It was a 10-12 hour drive. Mom flew in 2-3 times a year. And they drove together about twice a year. Dad was working at the time so he couldn't come as often as her.