How would you deal with this?

[saraha]

Say your dh makes a commitment that you specifically asked him not to make that is going to inconvenience you for several months.  A month in, he realizes why you really didn't want him to do it, but now is stuck in commitment and it would be a really jerky thing to the others who also committed to back out now. In the meantime, dh is trying very hard to minimize said inconvenience. Then today you find out that this stupid...ahem.. commitment will now mean that he will miss your children's biggest performance of the summer.

 

How do you not be bitter?  I mean, I know he is trying.  I know he made this dumb decision and now regrets it.  I know he feels bad about missing this particular event.  And yet... I still can't help feel bitter every single time it comes up.  So, how do I put my big girl pants on and just deal?

 

Thanks

[happi duck]

I personally would insist he not miss the performance. Of course, I don't know the details.

 

I would have a hard time not being bitter. I hate when dh doesn't trust me in stuff like that.

 

(Hugs)

 

.

Edited April 15, 2017 by happi duck

[Anne in CA]

You have been married a long time. He knows he should have listened. Don't be afraid to pull out this card the next time he wants to do something like this. If he's said he will pay attention next time, I'd find it easier to let go. If he's still making excuses I don't think I'd be willing to let it go. Probably the real issue here is that he should have known you weren't being a controlling jerk. As long as he can get that, you are probably just fine.

Edited April 16, 2017 by Anne in CA

[Rosie_0801]

I'd try to remember this is between him and the kids and hope they didn't care.

[Jaybee]

I would struggle with my feelings over it. But I would also try to remember that I mess up too, and hope he shows me some grace when I do. His recognizing his error would go a long way toward my being able to push through it.

[EKS]

I would just be happy that I could go.

[Garga]

If he's said he will pay attention next time, I'd find it easier to let go. If he's still making excuses I don't think I'd be willing to let it go. Probably the real issue here is that he should have known you weren't being a controlling jerk. As long as he can get that, you are probably just fine.

 

I would struggle with my feelings over it. But I would also try to remember that I mess up too, and hope he shows me some grace when I do. His recognizing his error would go a long way toward my being able to push through it.

Yes--what's his attitude about it? I get most upset at Dh when he does something that will negatively affect me and then won't admit it and gets irritated at my irritation. But if he says, "Oh no! I'm so sorry that this negatively affected you," I can get past it.

 

And it goes both ways. I've gotten irritated and defensive when I've done something that negatively affected him. If I admit I'm wrong and acknowledge I've made his life harder, he is able to accept the apology and move on.

Edited April 16, 2017 by Garga

[happi duck]

Yes, attitude makes a big difference too.

 

If DH launches into all the reasons why he thought it would work that makes me mad. I do better with a straight forward "I screwed up".

 

If you think the love language idea is helpful they also an apology version which helped me understand that sometimes DH *is* apologizing but not in the way I need to hear it, kwim?

 

There's a quiz on the love languages site.

 

More (hugs)

[almondbutterandjelly]

If it's a months-long commitment, then I would expect him to skip one time so he could go to the kids' performance.  That's not unreasonable.  People have lives.

[Seasider]

I'd try to remember this is between him and the kids and hope they didn't care.

Agree. Despite how you feel about this, you're not the one who has to explain it to the kids. They're the ones he'll have to make it up to. Might want to hold back for now to minimize their disappointment.

 

I'll say I think your dh learned a lesson here. He's not likely to forget that you were against the idea from the get go.

[saraha]

Thanks.  He totally sees that he messed up, I just need to get past it since nothing can be done about it now.  It's just sometimes, I get so aggravated, even though I know there is nothing he can do about it now.  I just want to show the grace that I  know he would extend to me if I had done something like this. 

 

I am just not very graceful :glare:

[xixstar]

I accept that we both sometimes make really poor choices. But I would absolutely re-air my frustration at this discovery and then insist he do what he needs to in order to make it up to the child. And then I would have to get over it, again.

 

Thankfully I would at least have the reassurance that dh generally does his best to make us all happy so that I don't get too stuck in being annoyed. Especially when far more often it is my choices that we manage the fallout from. I would totally understand if dh finally blew up the next time it happened and held a giant grudge - just saying if there is a pattern of these situations happening over the years.

[PrincessMommy]

Thanks.  He totally sees that he messed up, I just need to get past it since nothing can be done about it now.  It's just sometimes, I get so aggravated, even though I know there is nothing he can do about it now.  I just want to show the grace that I  know he would extend to me if I had done something like this. 

 

I am just not very graceful :glare:

 

do you have someone  else you can grouse about it with.  Sometimes just talking through it (complaining) helps me tremendously.   Do you have someone else who can be your sounding board?

[Catwoman]

If it's that inconvenient for your family, I think he should back out of the commitment. He can give a brief notice so a replacement can be found.

 

I wouldn't have him skip such an important family event -- he wouldn't be able to fulfill the commitment if he had the flu, so taking a day off for a big performance should be fine, too. And honestly, if it's not fine, I would have him quit on the spot.

 

Family comes first.

[Harriet Vane]

He's repentant, so that's a good thing.

 

For your own heart, I'm not sure what to tell you other than pray and remind yourself of all the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place. Sometimes it takes time.  :grouphug:

 

And for the big performance--Can you record it? Then make a big deal of snuggling on the couch as a family to watch it together. If that's not possible, then he can write a special little note that day and give them flowers or take them out for ice cream to hear all about it. Not in an agonized, guilty way. Just celebrating their accomplishment and so eager to hear all about it. 

[Miss Peregrine]

I've learned for me it's better to just bite my tongue. Him missing something very important will eat at him and that's satisfaction enough, lol. JK, kind of.

[Guest]

If he dies tomorrow, the group will go on without him. No one is that important. I would tell him to put his kids first and get someone to stand in for him the one time he needs to miss.

 

I would be bitter.

Edited April 16, 2017 by Moxie

[MaeFlowers]

nm

Edited April 16, 2017 by MaeFlowers

[DesertBlossom]

Thanks. He totally sees that he messed up, I just need to get past it since nothing can be done about it now. It's just sometimes, I get so aggravated, even though I know there is nothing he can do about it now. I just want to show the grace that I know he would extend to me if I had done something like this.

 

I am just not very graceful :glare:

If it was you had made such a big blunder, realized your mistake and felt badly about it, how would you want him to treat you?

[QueenCat]

Honestly, my husband would, at this point, give this group notice that he will not be there on "X" date due to his child's performance. It is really okay to do that within a long term commitment. If he didn't, we'd have issues between us.

[justasque]

Is this a work thing?  Because, ultimately, working *is* putting a priority on the kids, even if it means missing one of their events.  If that's the case, make sure your kids know that.

 

If it's more like a golf league, then perhaps a sub could be found.  Presumably the other participants are at a similar stage of life and will understand the juggling necessary.  If it's the day of the big final tournament, then perhaps he can forfeit, letting the other players know well in advance.  If the other people he is dealing with are good people, they will be graceful towards him about it.  If not, he might want to reconsider hanging out with them.

 

If it's a charity thing, then again, I'd help him see if there's a way to juggle.

 

This is *his* problem, not yours.  *His* relationship with the kids.   So I'm repeating Rosie's wise (as usual) advice - "I'd try to remember this is between him and the kids..."  And I'd also remember that taking one's commitments seriously is a good quality to have.

[Word Nerd]

Thanks. He totally sees that he messed up, I just need to get past it since nothing can be done about it now. It's just sometimes, I get so aggravated, even though I know there is nothing he can do about it now. I just want to show the grace that I know he would extend to me if I had done something like this.

 

I am just not very graceful :glare:

You seem to have much more grace than others would in the same situation. I'm not my DH's boss or his mother; I don't demand or make my husband do anything, and I wouldn't want him giving me orders either. I think the important thing is not to let your totally understandable feelings result in passive-aggressive or other negative actions on your part, and that isn't easy. Rosie is spot on that ultimately this is between him and the kids, and it's up to him to make it right.

[QueenCat]

You seem to have much more grace than others would in the same situation. I'm not my DH's boss or his mother; I don't demand or make my husband do anything, and I wouldn't want him giving me orders either. I think the important thing is not to let your totally understandable feelings result in passive-aggressive or other negative actions on your part, and that isn't easy. Rosie is spot on that ultimately this is between him and the kids, and it's up to him to make it right.

 

In my response, I said that dh and I would have issues if he didn't find a way to be at our child's performance. I should clarify that I wouldn't demand it but I would be very hurt if he chose this other commitment over our child. Exceptions made if it truly impacts his job/career, as our family depends on his income.

[Alice]

I would let myself feel upset. I would vent to a friend of mine. I have one friend in particular who I go out regularly with. This is exactly the kind of thing that is great to tell her. She will agree with me about how annoying it is and how she would feel bitter. I get it off my chest and feel validated and then I would feel less of a need to make sure dh knew how upset I was.

 

I wouldn't have a problem letting dh know I was upset, but it sounds like he realizes he made a mistake and feels bad. In that scenerio I wouldn't act happy but I would also try not to snipe at him or be passive-agressive about it. I would try really hard not to play the "I told you why such and such was a bad idea" card. 

 

 

[zoobie]

I'd be hacked off too. Ultimately the performance issue is betwern DH and the kids, but there's a whole lot that isn't. His doing whatever it is shifted a large burden onto you. In addition, if there are hurt feelings, you'll be the one dealing with it. I also think there's joy in sitting with your spouse and enjoying the performance of your kids. You'll miss that look what we did together moment, and you'll carry the entire burden of preparing them, dealing with nerves, etc. And the anger in not being heard, which I personally take as disrespect for my feelings and needs. I'm entirely bitter over something I can never resolve, so I don't know what to tell you. I hope he hears you next time.

 

If the performance is only one time, hopefully he can get someone to cover whatever mysterious thing he's doing for that one event. :grouphug:

[Lecka]

My husband missed a performance earlier this year. In my opinion he could have come.

 

I was prepared to be upset.

 

But my child honestly didn't care!

 

When I saw my child didn't care, I didn't mind anymore.

 

I also noticed -- my husband does make an effort to build a relationship with this child. This missed performance is not indicative of their relationship or how much my husband cares.

 

So -- I think my husband should have and could have come, but he didn't, because he didn't feel he could leave work at the last minute (because of something coming up he honestly felt would fall through and cause difficulties if he left).

 

It would have been so much different if my child cared.

 

I also do feel like my husband "made it up" by doing extra stuff with this child the next weekend, which I wanted, and my husband did it.

 

So I think if your kids might not care, it isn't so bad.

 

I also think -- if he honestly can't go, I wonder if he can see a practice. Or if they can do their parts for him at home. There are still ways it can be special for him to see their part.

 

I think it is fine for you to speak plainly to him, but try your best to be positive to the kids. Keep in mind he can be involved and supportive of the performance in other ways. If he does that then he is not just blowing them off or not thinking they are important. He is being involved and supportive but in another way.

 

Edit: I think the main thing he has done is to blow you off.

 

It is unknown how much it will hurt or not hurt your kids.

 

I think the most graceful thing is to keep in mind he has his own punishment now of missing the performance.

 

But I would not like to be blown off, I hope your husband is thinking about making decisions differently in the future.

 

My husband has changed on this since we first married. He realizes it is better when he takes me into consideration.

 

Even if he makes a different decision, consideration goes a very long way.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Lecka

[goldberry]

 it sounds like he realizes he made a mistake and feels bad. In that scenerio I wouldn't act happy but I would also try not to snipe at him or be passive-agressive about it. I would try really hard not to play the "I told you why such and such was a bad idea" card. 

 

This.  After 31 years, I've been on both sides of this kind of scenario. More than once.  

[regentrude]

He did it and is now regretting it, knows that you were right, and admitted to it. That's it. He will know better next time.

 

Whether a man is a good and loving father is not measured by whether he attends a kids' performance or not. It is nice if he can make it, but would not be a hill to die on for me, because the kids would know that dad loves and appreciates them even if he cannot attend their event. Such is life. They can learn (and I think it is healthy for them to do so) that the universe does not revolve around them and that a parent being unable to attend does not mean they are not loved. Fathers can build wonderful relationships with their children without attending recitals or ball games.

Edited April 17, 2017 by regentrude

[lovinmyboys]

Well, this has been a big issue in my marriage and it is something I have changed my opinion on. Dh misses a lot of our kids things. He isn't home a lot. Some of it is non negotiable for work. Some of it is non negotiable now because he made commitments. Anyway, it used to really bother me. Over time though, I have realized that he is still a good dad and has a good relationship with our kids. Our kids love him and are close to him. He is there enough that they aren't bothered when he misses things.

 

I think it is a relatively new parenting trend that parents are at all the kids things. While I do think kids should be a priority, the world goes on. It needs people to volunteer, work, help others, etc.

 

One of my friends asked her son to pick her up from the airport (they have a good relationship). He said he couldn't because his daughter had gymnastics practice that day. Both parents go to practice every time. He can't pick his mom up from the airport because he has to watch his daughter practice. This happens all the time with people in my life. My circle of friends/family is very much like this. They can't help anyone out or do anything really if they have a child. I think for awhile it skewed my perspective and I thought parents had to never miss anything of their child's to show their love. That just isn't the case. Kids can learn that adults have more to their lives than just being parents.

 

I used to really be apologetic to my kids when Dh missed things. Now, I am just matter of fact. Dad can't be there so let's take lots of pictures and tell him about it when he gets home.

[TravelingChris]

My dh missed a lot of things in my kid's lives. I missed some too usually because of health reasons.  For most of our kid's things, it was due to my dh's work. Occasionally it was because of some other commitment he had- like he had to go to Boy Scout training to be a Boy Scout assistant leader so he couldn't go see something or sometimes one of his other responsibilities kept him away.   The kids are all grown now and all still love to do activities with their father and with me and with both of us.  None complain about how he missed stuff.  

[kbutton]

If this kind of stuff happens a lot, I would wonder about adult ADHD or something like that. If that's a possibility, this becomes a whole 'nother discussion. 

 

If not, then I would want to know that my DH would take me seriously the next time a big commitment comes up, particularly if it's a "recreational" commitment. I would want to establish some kind of agreed upon protocol for deciding these things, including commitments that I wanted to do that took up time. Maybe it means we both wait x amount of time before responding so that we can see if we're still excited after looking at the calendar and what will be juggled due to the new commitment.

 

As for missing the kids' performance, I would keep it between them and him. My DH has an uncoventional work schedule, and while he can request time off, he has to know about the event months in advance. Often the performance or game or whatever is not published that far in advance. The kids understand this, and it's not a big deal. We try to video things, and we do try to be sure he can see a practice or something if that works out.

[justasque]

My dh missed a lot of things in my kid's lives. I missed some too usually because of health reasons.  For most of our kid's things, it was due to my dh's work. Occasionally it was because of some other commitment he had- like he had to go to Boy Scout training to be a Boy Scout assistant leader so he couldn't go see something or sometimes one of his other responsibilities kept him away.   The kids are all grown now and all still love to do activities with their father and with me and with both of us.  None complain about how he missed stuff.  

 

I think it's normal for parents to miss now and again.  Sometimes we even have to divide our attention.  It doesn't get easier - one year the big Recital was on the same weekend as another dc's college graduation.  Over the years, for big performances or events, we've invited the local grandparents to come along.  One benefit of this is that if one person can't attend (such as dad), then there are several others so that there is still a good level of attention and appreciation for the child.   And this particularly pays off on "divide and conquer" days.  

 

OP, if your kids are still fairly small, and you have local relatives or close friends, you might start casually inviting them to these events (if they are the type who would be likely to attend now and again), so that there is less pressure on dad (and you!)  in cases where you just can't make the juggling work so that both of you can attend.   

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'd be bitter until I stopped being bitter.  Eventually the feeling will fade.  Hopefully he'll be more considerate next time.

 

[saraha]

Thanks for validating my feelings everyone.  I was feeling like such a jerk because he really did learn a lesson and is sorry that this turned out the way it did, and I was/am still trying not to be snarky/passive aggressive about it.  I appreciate everyone's responses so much.  It is so nice to be able to come to the hive when you can't turn to people IRL.

[Guest]

I say something like "I need you to sit there and listen to me right now because I'm so aggrivated I could scream." And then I get it off my chest, and from then on I can roll with just about anything.