Have you had to give up on a significant dream of your own?

[Seeking Squirrels]

Adopting. I've always wanted to adopt, even since I was a kid myself. I even got my tubes tied after #2 in large part because we really wanted to adopt but I knew that I personally couldn't handle more than about 4 kids. We didn't want to accidentally "fill up" with bio kids and then find ourselves unable to adopt. But now DH is saying no. He has good reasons, though not necessarily ones I agree with, but it's definitely something that needs two yes's to move forward. 

 

Other minor things, but that's the only significant thing that will be harder to come back around to later. Other dreams I more consider to be put on hold. 

[Guest]

My parents set a goal of taking their kids (me and my sister) to all 50 states, and they did it. I missed Alaska, being the oldest and alll...  It is one of the best things that anyone could have done for me, as far as understanding my home and my country.  I wanted to do the same for my son.  Then I got an autoimmune thing while we were homeschooling and I could barely sit up on the couch for a couple of hours at a stretch.  No 50 state tour for you, young man.  We also had planned to spend a year in Europe as part of his education and a mid-schooling gap year.  Nope.  

 

I'm not bitter about it.   I'm just sorry it didn't happen.  We did get him to Europe with his schoolmates, and my dh and he took a lot of road trips, collecting National Parks, so he has been all over the west and I took him to New England for a field trip before I got sick, so he's not been just stuck at home, but that was all,

 

And I'm better now, but the 50 States horse has left the barn.  

 

Now my dh and I have a soft goal of gathering in National Parks.  

[Jenny in Florida]

I don't know that I would say I gave up on "dreams," but over the last few years I have definitely become aware of missed opportunities. And I'm struggling with some grief and resentment about some of that.

 

Only once I was well into middle age and entrenched in being a parent did I really understand my own academic potential and begin to grasp why I had spent so much of my life feeling bored and frustrated. Although I did finish my B.A., I was never challenged and rarely excited by the college education I got. I have always been fascinated by and attracted to stories (both fiction and non) about rigorous, Ivy League-type schools, but it always felt remote to me. It was only a few years ago that it hit me that I should have been encouraged to pursue more than I did.

 

Being a parent myself, especially a parent who has made so many choices and sacrifices in support of my kids' educations, I look back and just can't fathom the total failure of not only my parents but of the schools I attended to take more of an interest in my academic career. Everyone around me seemed to just assume that, because I was smart, I would "be fine," and I was allowed to float along without being pushed or challenged in any significant way.

 

Mind you, I loved being a mom, loved homeschooling and feel confident and secure that my work in those areas of my life has meaning. Who knows whether I would have made different choices under different circumstances and, even if I had, if either my life or my children's lives would have been "better" as a result? And I'm a lifelong autodidact. Despite my lack of impressive formal academic credentials, I often find myself being one of the more knowledgable people in a room, just because I love to read and learn.

 

For me, the things I mourn/regret are:

1. the doors that might have been open to me if I had looked more impressive on paper (had a more prestigious "brand name" on my degree), which might have saved me a decade or so of crying myself to sleep at night because I felt stuck in jobs I hated.
2. the actual experience of studying and being intellectually challenged among peers at a time in my life when it would have been possible for me to do so. 

When I let myself think about it too much, I can get really angry and sad about all of it, especially now that my kids are "done" with me and I am facing another 15 or more years of work. Without the excuse or distraction of full-time mommying, I can't hide from or ignore the limitations I'm stuck with.

 

I know several folks will rush in here with "encouragement" and platitudes about how it's never too late, etc. But, no, really, for me (largely because of financial stuff), it really, truly is too late. I've discussed elsewhere, on other threads, the fact that I am still buried under defaulted student loans, meaning I can't get access to my college transcripts, meaning that -- even if I could somehow carve out the time and energy and find the money for tuition to, say, go for my master's -- I can't apply for admission to any university-based program. 

 

Mostly, I try to focus on remembering why I made the choices I did, appreciating/giving myself credit for what I've accomplished and looking for ways to continue growing and learning in the years I have ahead. 

 

But, in my heart of hearts, in the hours when I can't sleep or when there is no "busyness" demanding my attention . . .

[Anne in CA]

It's interesting that almost no one regrets home schooling even though we all spent so much time and lost so much income doing it. I always knew I was losing the income, but I figured by self educating myself I would be in a good position to own my own business later and make back the money lost in the last 20 years of my working career. Well, those twenty years are here, I just started them, and we do own our own business which is going very well in many ways although it is too seasonal. This business would be making us wealthy in another area, but as it is it is only profitable 5 months out of the year and the rest of the time we work our selves really hard to break even. 

 

So, after home schooling, which went very well, my next dream is to build my own business and still spend time with my family and make art, even though I'm often too tired for a lot of art. Painting is too hard after a day of restaurant work. Mostly I write. I did self publish two books this year and I never marketed them so they didn't sell much, but I can be proud that they are decent and I learned a lot by doing it. I will try to keep up with self publishing because when the right story comes to me I will have the know how to market it and a publisher won't slow me down or take most of the money. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

There is only one goal that was "taken from me" vs an active choice to change direction.  

 

From the moment I learned about the existence of the Air Force Academy, I wanted to go there.  I was a top student and athlete, and was accepted.  I had a full page article in the local paper and everything. I went.  I LOVED it.  Towards the very end of my first year, I had a routine eye exam and the results eventually led to a diagnosis of a pretty rare progressive eye disease.  The Academy would have packed my bags that very day, but my squadron officer was able to get me in to see the commandant, who agreed I could stay past recognition and to finish out the academic year.  This was a very big deal to me, so I'm glad I got to finish out the year.  But I also had to scramble to apply to another university, which, due to random chance, ended up being Rice U in Texas, a school that had never even been on my radar.  Oh, and I had to deal with the real possibility that I would go blind.  

 

It took me two years to "get over it".  I am not a person who tends toward depression, and I probably wasn't depressed during that time, but I was sure grieving.  I don't regret anything that happened afterward, I never look back and think, "gee, if only I'd been an officer in the Air Force", and yet I do still occasionally have dreams about being back at USAFA for my second year, and realizing that somehow no one had remembered that I couldn't come back, and now I'd be able to finish if I could just keep it a secret... so obviously my subconscious is still grappling on some level!  

 

My heart goes out to your daughter.  I hope she gets to achieve her dreams, but when dreams are dashed, there are other dreams out there to find.  It does take time, and there is grief, but that's also life, and it grows us and stretches us in ways we can't predict.  

[Granny_Weatherwax]

There is only one goal that was "taken from me" vs an active choice to change direction.  

 

From the moment I learned about the existence of the Air Force Academy, I wanted to go there.

<snip>

 

I grew up in the shadow of the USAFA (CSC is my hometown) and also wanted to attend. I applied but was told by family I would never make it through and shouldn't even bother trying so I withdrew my application.

 

For years, I wondered "what if.."

[MedicMom]

Just....thank you to the OP who started this and to everyone who responded. I'm having a really hard day and this is exactly what I needed.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I grew up in the shadow of the USAFA (CSC is my hometown) and also wanted to attend. I applied but was told by family I would never make it through and shouldn't even bother trying so I withdrew my application.

 

For years, I wondered "what if.."

Im so sorry people would stomp on your dreams like that. I was lucky to have a very supportive family.

[EmseB]

I would say yes, but on the other hand, I have no idea if my dream(s) would have come to fruition even if I didn't make the choices I've made to be where I am now.

 

Are there things I wish I could do but I can't because I have four kids?  Sure.  But it's also true that I dreamed of getting married and having kids.

[EmilyGF]

I think I look back through the roads at the ones I didn't take and ask "what if" sometimes. What if I took the great corporate internship that summer in college instead of going to Germany? What if I had blended career and family instead of dropping it? What if I had listened to the professor who wanted me to do research with him and then apply to grad school? What if I hadn't always looked at life as all or nothing?

 

Yet I do love my kids and generally my life. And my husband is completely open to me doing a u-turn and trying to start a career. But would I then ask "what if" I had continued in our current direction?

 

But I was always really well-rounded, juggling handfuls of incompatible dreams (opera singer? lawyer? engineer? SAH mom? - these were all in my mind at 18) so I think I knew that I would have dreams that would have to die.

 

Emily

[Ausmumof3]

As much as achieving "dreams" can be amazing and gratifying, I think there is also the negative side of most "dreams" than we may not know about until we're actually there. The benefit of having achieved a dream/goal, though, is that we have that confidence that it can be done, all the things we learned along that path, and we can go on to reach for another dream. Even if achieving one dream didn't make life "perfect" somehow, we can go on setting new goals and trying new things.

 

I was able to reach my dream of working in Norway at a wonderful job in the exact field I'd trained for. It was amazing, but after 3 years I could barely get out of bed because of anxiety. I knew I had to get out of there and do something else. I went back and got a Masters degree, and eventually landed another "dream job" in the field. It was also wonderful, but definitely had it's downsides.

 

 

I can't remember who was mentioning this, but apparently even "dream jobs" consist of doing what you love for about 10% of the time, and what isn't so great 90% of the time. I really believe this, and I think people may be expecting more out of dreams. ;)

I think this applies to homeschooling too. 10 pc amazing educational or bonding experiences and 90 pc just making sure you get out those books each day and keep plodding on.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Not exactly.  I basically just tweak my goals as I go along.  I feel good to have goals and dreams and to work towards them even if it's only in some very small way, but I try not to focus on what I haven't accomplished or will never accomplish.  There are so many possibilities that surely I can figure out a way to work within my limitations.

 

 

[EmilyGF]

I think this applies to homeschooling too. 10 pc amazing educational or bonding experiences and 90 pc just making sure you get out those books each day and keep plodding on.

This is timely! DH has a dream job and yet we were sitting on the couch last night so he could talk about all his frustrations and existential questions.

Emily

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Guest]

Yes, I wish I was uber-educated. I wish I had a doctorate, and I do sometimes go down that mental Road Not Taken. I wish I had a regular cohort of people who were like this, who had doctorates and sat around the table discussing erudite things. Sometimes I get a glimpse of this hanging out here.

 

Technically, that dream is not literally impossible, but the practical likelihood of it is clearly receeding.

[Crimson Wife]

It's interesting that almost no one regrets home schooling even though we all spent so much time and lost so much income doing it.

 

I know some former homeschoolers who do regret it. Mostly they're women who were blindsided by a divorce or widowhood or other major life disruption. Those who regret HSing presumably aren't hanging around this forum to share their experiences.

[Jenny in Florida]

Yes, I wish I was uber-educated. I wish I had a doctorate, and I do sometimes go down that mental Road Not Taken. I wish I had a regular cohort of people who were like this, who had doctorates and sat around the table discussing erudite things. 

 

That is one of the things I have talked about with my kids when we've discussed their educational paths, how your education may affect your social connections. Because of my personal situation and my general feeling of disconnection/going through the motions in college, I graduated with my degree and nothing else. I have no "friends from college," for example.

 

Then, my lackluster education, combined with my need to immediately support myself, led me into a series of lackluster jobs where I met other people who were more or less in the same boat.

 

I've spent a lot of my life being bored and feeling lonely and isolated.

 

My daughter actually told me a few months ago that I was right. The program she was in created bonds between the students. And, although the college she attended was not especialy selective, her story is made more interesting by the fact that she went so early. Her social circle includes people who graduated from many of the colleges parents brag about their kids attending, and she feels comfortable and accepted in that world.

[Guest]

That is one of the things I have talked about with my kids when we've discussed their educational paths, how your education may affect your social connections. Because of my personal situation and my general feeling of disconnection/going through the motions in college, I graduated with my degree and nothing else. I have no "friends from college," for example.

 

Then, my lackluster education, combined with my need to immediately support myself, led me into a series of lackluster jobs where I met other people who were more or less in the same boat.

 

I've spent a lot of my life being bored and feeling lonely and isolated.

 

My daughter actually told me a few months ago that I was right. The program she was in created bonds between the students. And, although the college she attended was not especialy selective, her story is made more interesting by the fact that she went so early. Her social circle includes people who graduated from many of the colleges parents brag about their kids attending, and she feels comfortable and accepted in that world.

Yup. I find that to be true.

 

My DD recently had tea at the home of her English professor, with some of the other students. She was telling me about how the Prof has this amazing home library, complete with historical, special books. I was thinking - this is what I wish I had had for an environment at her age. The people I knew when I was 19 were largely not about anything special. They were discussing things like the best type of perm to get in your hair and which pantyhose looked best. *rolleyes*

[Ailaena]

I know several folks will rush in here with "encouragement" and platitudes about how it's never too late, etc. But, no, really, for me (largely because of financial stuff), it really, truly is too late. I've discussed elsewhere, on other threads, the fact that I am still buried under defaulted student loans, meaning I can't get access to my college transcripts, meaning that -- even if I could somehow carve out the time and energy and find the money for tuition to, say, go for my master's -- I can't apply for admission to any university-based program.

.

I'm right there with you, except I can still get my transcripts, somehow. Which is meaningless since anyone who would look at them will also dump a credit report and run away screaming. I should give talks to kids about how to not end up like me :p

 

Just wanted to commiserate :grouphug:

[PeachyDoodle]

Building my own home.

 

Nine years ago, just after my grandmother passed away, we moved into her house. The idea was to rent there for a couple of years, then build a house on an acre of land my parents owned. Then the land wouldn't perk for septic (we spent years, and not a small amount of money, trying). DH lost his job, twice. DS was born with medical problems and ended up in the NICU. Bills piled up.

 

Finally, in 2015, we were starting to dig our way out. We were able to purchase a plot of land, and we started paying it down and putting away as much money as we could, in the hopes that we'd be able to build in the spring of 2017. Then my cousin got it in his head that he wanted the house we were renting (his grandmother's and mine). His wife was pregnant, and he and his mother threw a giant tantrum. Long story short, we had to get out, and fast. We tried to buy a house of our own, that failed (major problems turned up in the inspection). Ended up moving into the house my dad uses for his business. Now dh has been laid off again, and I'm not sure where we will end up.

 

We sold our land in December, so that dream is gone. We needed the money. I have come to terms with it, and maybe we will build something small once the kids grow up, but we've fought and fought for this and it just finally became clear it wasn't in the cards for us. It's disappointing.

[MaeFlowers]

Yes. I've had to give up every dream I had. Someone told my Dad once that regrets are a waste of time because you made the choice you wanted to at the time. The thing is, many times I didn't have a choice. That's what really chaps my hide.

 

Everyone once I a while I get a wild hair and think about changing things and going after a dream. Then reality kicks in and I get so depressed. I feel trapped by my life.

 

I hope my kids wait until they are at least 30 to get married. Forty even. Then they might have a chance of living their dreams.

[bethben]

Yes.  Due to my oldest son's special needs, we will never be able to travel freely as a couple when the kids are grown nor will we ever have an empty nest.  I really wanted to go on a second honeymoon when we hit our 20th anniversary, but due to the constant needs of our oldest and the lack of real 24/7 help, we couldn't figure out how to do it.  If he was a typical kid, we could send all the kids to stay with grandma and grandpa (the rest are pretty self maintaining) and go on a much needed vacation for just the two of us.  The last time dh and I had to be both away for about 4 days, it took 7 people to replace me. 

 

ETA:  On the other hand, we made a conscious choice two years ago to stop "surviving" and start living.  We took a crazy chance and moved 1000 miles to Colorado so we could live.  It's been a very good choice so far and I thank my husband weekly for choosing to take an adventure and move to where we can see mountains every day and hike to our heart's content.  I guess that was a dream of ours that did come true.

Edited January 3, 2017 by bethben

[Crimson Wife]

 

I hope my kids wait until they are at least 30 to get married. Forty even. Then they might have a chance of living their dreams.

 

Except their unrealized dream might be to have a child (or more children than they wind up with). I know many, many, MANY women who regret waiting to start a family until it was too late. That was one of the reasons I decided against spending my 20's in med school and residency. It's looking like I will wind up with fewer children than I'd originally hoped (and for that I mourn), but it is because of something that I have no control over rather than a lifestyle choice I made.

 

I guess I did choose to marry someone who happened to carry a rare mutation in the exact same gene that I'm carrying a rare mutation in, but we had no idea about that until we'd been married almost 17 years. That's horribly bad luck rather than a conscious decision to put off starting a family.

[MaeFlowers]

Except their unrealized dream might be to have a child (or more children than they wind up with). I know many, many, MANY women who regret waiting to start a family until it was too late. That was one of the reasons I decided against spending my 20's in med school and residency. It's looking like I will wind up with fewer children than I'd originally hoped (and for that I mourn), but it is because of something that I have no control over rather than a lifestyle choice I made.

 

I guess I did choose to marry someone who happened to carry a rare mutation in the exact same gene that I'm carrying a rare mutation in, but we had no idea about that until we'd been married almost 17 years. That's horribly bad luck rather than a conscious decision to put off starting a family.

True. They could lose out on the chance but probably not at 30 (due to age).

 

It's their lives. They will make their own choices. I just hope to impress on them that they shouldn't have kids until they are ready. Ready may include meeting certain goals and dreams first.

[fraidycat]

Well, I'm not sure it was a dream as much as I envisioned having a family in a stable home, with a stable support system, where I might or might not have worked outside the home. In this vision, we entertained and had game nights regularly, had a close group of friends, traveled a bit to do and see fun things near and far. The kids had a great place to have friends hang out, etc.

 

Reality: I married someone in the military. We've lived in 5 states. Our stable support system is my family - often almost 2000 miles away from our "home". I have to make new friends at each place to have local socializing. DH's work hours are abominable, and he's an introvert so "peopled out" by the time he gets home and on weekends - no entertaining/game nights. Most of our "travel" consists of moving or visiting family because we're far away. We live in smaller/temporary places (apartments) so don't have the space to create great kid hang-outs for the kids to entertain - and there's the whole 'making new friends in every city' thing for them, too.

 

Bottom line, dream or not, if I dwell too long I tend to get rather maudlin and feel guilty about all I couldn't/didn't give my kids, so I best end this now.

[G5052]

I don't focus on it, but yes, I've had to let go of many dreams. But that's sort of how life goes. 

 

I planned to be a stay-at-home mom teaching one college class a semester. I currently work full-time teaching online from home and have about 100+ students at any given time. During the summer I do contract writing and teach faculty seminars. My work can be stressful at times along with juggling family life. But we needed my income, and with DH retired, I'm now the breadwinner.

 

Because of DH's health, we've never been able to travel like I had hoped. Everything has revolved around his medical issues through nearly all of our homeschooling years.

 

Now DH is home with significant health problems and early dementia. Not what we had hoped for his retirement years.

 

Ultimately I learned to live life to the fullest NOW, and to not focus on the rest. I'm a big believer in mindfulness and do yoga every day. Our western attitudes are too pie-in-the-sky IMHO. One has to learn to cope with reality.

 

I don't know how long I'll work, and homeschooling comes to a conclusion in June.

 

I have a wide circle of local friends and enjoy my physical activities and quilting. That certainly will continue. I may join a local quilting guilt after DD graduates, but I can't see much else changing.

 

At some point I'd like to get an RV and travel during the summers, but that's an unrealistic dream at this point so I don't dwell on it.

Edited January 3, 2017 by G5052

[Desert Strawberry]

This is timely! DH has a dream job and yet we were sitting on the couch last night so he could talk about all his frustrations and existential questions.

Emily

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

Twice in the past year, D has gotten the exact position he has wanted for years ( the second one more than the first). I keep saying, "this is what you wanted". The reality of his position is hitting him so hard. He's happy here, and excited about his work, but also, it's haaaarrrdd. So yeah, not perfect by any means. 

[maize]

I think the overarching lesson is: life is hard and not predictable and it isn't possible to have/be/do every good thing.

 

Which doesn't mean we shouldn't dream and strive :)

[wintermom]

I think the overarching lesson is: life is hard and not predictable and it isn't possible to have/be/do every good thing.

 

Which doesn't mean we shouldn't dream and strive :)

 

:iagree:   I think it's the sign of a fertile and confident brain to be able to keep making goals and keep striving toward something interesting. How long we stick with something isn't as important as simply taking that first step toward it. The first step is always the hardest. 

[EmilyGF]

Twice in the past year, D has gotten the exact position he has wanted for years ( the second one more than the first). I keep saying, "this is what you wanted". The reality of his position is hitting him so hard. He's happy here, and excited about his work, but also, it's haaaarrrdd. So yeah, not perfect by any means. 

This is sort of what is going on - he's achieved exactly what he wanted and now he has that feeling of not wanting to be a member of any club un-picky enough to take him! The feeling that "this was such a big dream and I got it and, well, huh."

 

Emily

[Tina]

I always wanted to have 4 kids. After we found out last year that our third child's hearing loss was genetic and any future bio children had a 1 in 4 risk of the same thing happening, I knew that it would be irresponsible to try for any more bio kids. Now we haven't done anything permanent to rule that out but I'm turning 40 this month so I don't think it's likely we'll have any surprises.

 

It's been hard on me emotionally, but we are open to the possibility of adding to our family via adoption down the road. We'll just have to see what God calls us to do.

Don't count on no surprises.  I was pregnant at 40 and 42.  When I had my last one I knew no one pregnant at that age.  Now I can count a dozen folks that had that last one at 42!

[Storygirl]

I'm thankful for this thread. DD14 is wavering about giving up on pursuing her talent. I'm worried that she may regret it down the line (she won't be able to pick it back up again in the same way in the future if she gives it up now). But I'm influenced by my own regrets, because I didn't end up pursuing my own special talent. I know I have to let her make her own decisions, but I also know that it's possible to close doors and then wish they had remained open.

 

As far as homeschooling goes... I have a lot of regrets. We are no longer homeschooling, so I had to give up that dream, which was painful. And when we were homeschooling, it was extremely hard (multiple LDs) and was nothing like I thought or hoped it would be. So the actuality of homeschooling was nothing like the dream of homeschooling.

 

Because of the LDs, hindsight is tricky (things didn't go well with homeschooling, but they might have been worse if they had been enrolled in school), but if I had to do it all over again, it would have been better for me (personally) not to homeschool at all

[gaillardia]

yes

[LMD]

I feel similarly to Jenny in Florida - though I suspect that I'm nowhere near as smart (potentially or otherwise!)

My main response to reading WTM was anger. Fierce, 'I was robbed' anger.

My education was just fine, lacklustre, I remember almost nothing from my school years. I was never pushed or challenged or counselled, I just coasted at the top of most of my classes. I never learned self discipline or to do anything well.

 

So I'm left with the crippling fear that actually I'm a giant fraud...

 

To be fair, most of my school years were shadowed by a traumatising home life so I don't know that I could have handled a better education anyway.

Edited January 3, 2017 by LMD

[Teacher Mom]

As a mom, i don't regret homeschooling. As a person, I do regret it very much. For over twenty years, I have helped either my husband or my daughter become a success and they are successful! However, I wonder how successful I would be if I had used all that time and energy on myself or had a family that supported my dreams as I have supported theirs. 

[Guest]

I'm here and I regret it.

 

Like all things, there are good and bad. It's not as if I didn't enjoy it a lot of the time, and I still think there are advantages to home ed. I mean, I'm still doing it - only three or so years to go, so may as well make it to the end!

 

It's just that the disadvantages to me, personally, outweigh the good.

 

However, who knows ? Sending the kids to school and working may have resulted in all kinds of unforeseen outcomes, not all of them good.

 

In any case, it is what it is. I don't waste a lot of time on the feelings of regret, that's for sure. And I don't feel like a more mainstream dream was taken from me. I was just an idiot who gave it up willingly, lol

This is how I think about hsing, too.

[fraidycat]

I feel similarly to Jenny in Florida - though I suspect that I'm nowhere near as smart (potentially or otherwise!)

My main response to reading WTM was anger. Fierce, 'I was robbed' anger.

My education was just fine, lacklustre, I remember almost nothing from my school years. I was never pushed or challenged or counselled, I just coasted at the top of most of my classes. I never learned self discipline or to do anything well.

 

So I'm left with the crippling fear that actually I'm a giant fraud...

 

To be fair, most of my school years were shadowed by a traumatising home life so I don't know that I could have handled a better education anyway.

Aside from the home life (mine was/is rather idyllic) this pretty much sums up my educational experience as well. I got awards for being "best all round student" year after year for high marks and extra-curricular participation. But man, I didn't EARN them. It was sickeningly easy. I was not challenged, nor did I actually learn life skills such as perseverance through frustration (luckily, my stubborn disposition kicks in where past experience lacks) or study skills. I too, feel like a fraud.

 

TWTM didn't so much anger me as the viscerally violent rage that Bubbles up in me when my kids get a %^#$ing "participation" trophy. I'd like to stab the trophy giver through the eyeball with the damn thing. Make them EARN IT!

[lauraw4321]

Yes. I even posted here because I gave up the dream of being a foreign service officer.  Instead I'll watch my SIL be one. I've been jealous of her for the past 8 years. I'm not jealous now. I made peace with it, but it was very difficult for me. I was very upset for awhile.  I have new dreams.  It took awhile, but I'm moving forward.

[Crimson Wife]

True. They could lose out on the chance but probably not at 30 (due to age).

 

A woman's fertility starts to decline at age 28. All 3 of my dad's sisters experienced either primary or secondary infertility in their early 30's and none had as many bio kids as they'd originally hoped for.

[marbel]

A woman's fertility starts to decline at age 28. All 3 of my dad's sisters experienced either primary or secondary infertility in their early 30's and none had as many bio kids as they'd originally hoped for.

 

Yes.  Still, individuals can and do have kids naturally later in life.  It can be a gamble.

 

I married late in life and had my kids at 41 and 42.  It's not a strategy I recommend though it has worked out pretty well for me.  Lately I've discovered that I am ready for the empty nest before my kids are ready to leave it, so that's a negative.  

 

(I did not set out to have kids in my 40's.  It just took me a long time to find the right husband to father those kids.)

[heartlikealion]

My parents set a goal of taking their kids (me and my sister) to all 50 states, and they did it. I missed Alaska, being the oldest and alll...  It is one of the best things that anyone could have done for me, as far as understanding my home and my country.  I wanted to do the same for my son.  Then I got an autoimmune thing while we were homeschooling and I could barely sit up on the couch for a couple of hours at a stretch.  No 50 state tour for you, young man.  We also had planned to spend a year in Europe as part of his education and a mid-schooling gap year.  Nope.  

 

I'm not bitter about it.   I'm just sorry it didn't happen.  We did get him to Europe with his schoolmates, and my dh and he took a lot of road trips, collecting National Parks, so he has been all over the west and I took him to New England for a field trip before I got sick, so he's not been just stuck at home, but that was all,

 

And I'm better now, but the 50 States horse has left the barn.  

 

Now my dh and I have a soft goal of gathering in National Parks.  

 

Do you remember all 49 you went to? My parents did some traveling with us that I don't even remember (like the Grand Canyon) because of our age gaps.

 

I think what you have done is a lot and that honestly 50 sounds like it would be hard even without the obstacles you described.

[heartlikealion]

A woman's fertility starts to decline at age 28. All 3 of my dad's sisters experienced either primary or secondary infertility in their early 30's and none had as many bio kids as they'd originally hoped for.

 

I don't know how much genetics plays a role, but if you don't chart it might help give you a clearer picture of your own fertility. I'm sure there are other factors that could potentially affect the fertility as well like environment.

 

My mom had me as a surprise baby when she was 41. They had wanted three kids originally, but were no longer trying. I was the third.

[Desert Strawberry]

This is sort of what is going on - he's achieved exactly what he wanted and now he has that feeling of not wanting to be a member of any club un-picky enough to take him! The feeling that "this was such a big dream and I got it and, well, huh."

 

Emily

Yes. D is facing his first big project. He's completely freaking out because they expect him to know stuff that he doesn't know. He's learning and figuring it all out, but he's all, "OMG!! I'm not a consultant anymore! I have to sign off on things and take responsibility! I don't wanna be a big boy!" after complaining for literally ever that he has no power and he would do so much better if HE was the one making decisions. So it's decision time. And it's scary. 

[Guest]

Do you remember all 49 you went to? My parents did some traveling with us that I don't even remember (like the Grand Canyon) because of our age gaps.

 

I think what you have done is a lot and that honestly 50 sounds like it would be hard even without the obstacles you described.

 

We did OK, and thank you for the commendation.  Sometimes I lose track of all we did.  But we did a LOT!  One of my fondest memories was when we were doing the early American History in our homeschool and I got so FRUSTRATED because I kept trying to describe the early American establishments, until one day, I called my dh and said I was taking ds on a field trip--to Boston.  We had a blast.  And it made history come alive and it was always his favorite subject after that.  We did the Gold Rush tour the next year.  

 

I do remember a lot about the 49 states.  Specific things about all but Delaware!  :0). We travelled through many of them multiple times, partly due to routing and partly due to being able to mooch off relatives and friends.  The one region we had no relatives was the Deep South, and that was a unique trip for a lot of reasons.

 

The thing I remember most of all is more in the aggregate:  this is a big and diverse and beautiful country, both in geography and populace. I think it has helped me to understand a lot more about what it means to have both State and Federal governments; about seeing beauty where it would be easy to overlook it (North Dakota, anyone?--but when you learn to see and appreciate differences, even North Dakota).  And the same is true for the people.  People live in ways I could not imagine living...yet there they are, and happy and in many ways, more likely better off than I--or certainly worse off than I.  But they live.  

 

I gained a lot of respect for those who braved the unknown, who came back from terrible oppression, who navigated the Mississippi.  When you fly, it is hard to see what Lewis and Clark dealt with.  But when you camp in it...you wonder at HOW they did it.  It gave me a view into the aspirations of adventurous people.  

 

It made me love this country and its people...even the ones I don't agree with or understand.  

 

And at a more personal level, you get into a lot of adventures and discussions and fights and silly games with people you spend that much time with in a car and a tent.  So yeah, I remember the warm rains in Michigan, the twisting, barf-producing (for my sister) coastal roads of Oregon, the first time I picked my breakfast from a tree in California, the discussion with a grocery checker in southern Alabama where I wasn't sure we were both speaking English, but we were both smiling, the small one-room schoolhouse in Massachusetts where I sat at a desk students sat at 250 years ago, the home of Louisa May Alcott and of John Adams, the tuna cannery in Astoria, picking corn and cooking it by the side of the highway in Iowa, seeing the farm my mother grew up in in Texas and the farm she was born on in Pennsylvania,    the house my dad designed for his parents.  My mom found every free tour on the planet and invented a few of her own, and we just had a blast.  My dad sang his head off, tunelessly, in the front seat and scared us all to death with his erratic driving while he looked at the scenery.  I never knew my mom was afraid of heights until we were on the edge of the Grand Canyon and she was 10' behind us.  

 

And the travel with my parents across the country--and the one year we stayed within our state's borders (Colorado)--are among the happiest of my memories, not just in my childhood, but of my life.  I learned about and learned to love my family and my country, and to respect the beauty and kaleidoscopic richness of both.

[....]

Yep, I literally threw my grad school applications/recommendation letters in the trash at the hospital after my oldest daughter was born.  I cried when I threw it all in the garbage.  

 

I called and cancelled my invitation to go through the FBI's application process when I found out I was pregnant with my second.  At this point, I lost all hope for any kind of career.

 

After 8 years, I don't regret homeschooling.  I actually regret NOT homeschooling from the very beginning (my oldest went to ps for K and 1st).     

[Carrie12345]

I don't usually look at things so much as "giving up on", but as changing course.  

 

I'm coming very close to giving up on becoming a therapist or social worker.  I know how I could make it happen, but I also know what I would have to give up in order to do so, and I'm not okay with that.  I do have other ideas to fill that hole.  The odds are very low (though not 0) that I'm ever going to do foster care as I had imagined.  My current reasons are very solid, but it still hurts my heart a little bit.  I still don't know if I'm ever going to get my little homestead, and the idea of starting one past 40 is getting a bit daunting, but it is on the table.  If it ever happens, there are yet more things I'll have to reevaluate and probably change up.

 

I'm very content in my perspective that closed doors make us look at windows more carefully, iykwim.  

[wintermom]

I don't usually look at things so much as "giving up on", but as changing course.  

 

 

 

I like that!  The book, "Carry on, Mr. Bowditch" is wonderful for providing an example of how one can accomplish much (and much more than the original dream) by changing course and carrying on despite huge obstacles. My dc and I love that book.

[AHASRADA]

I don't have any personal goals that I wanted to accomplish that I didn't, as in education, kids, travel, etc. I wanted to visit Europe, get my BA, get married, work for a little while, have kids and stay home with them. I accomplished all of that by the age of 23. I had no particular goals for my child-rearing years other than, well, child-rearing, lol. I expected when they were grown I would either get a part-time job doing something fun and/or volunteer.

 

So, I have no personal regrets. What I do have is a feeling that I was robbed of the middle-class life I grew up in and expected to replicate as an adult. We were well on our way when the economy tanked 10 years ago, and we have been at status quo ever since. At this point in our lives, I expected us to have a good sized house 1/2 paid off, fairly new cars, a higher income, basically, the stability that my parents had at our age. After being homeowners for several years early in our marriage, we have been renting for the past 10, and are just now finally in a position to buy a house. A house that is the exact same size as the house we sold 10 years ago but 20% more expensive, with the same salary. I should be thrilled to finally have our own house again, but I can't help mourning the bigger kitchen, more bedrooms, extra space I expected to have by now, while worrying about tight finances.

 

Then I feel guilty for feeling cheated, because I know the vast majority of us are in the same boat, and so many are so much worse off, having no home or income at all, etc. Not to mention those in other countries who have lost their homes to wars, famine... I try to be humble and grateful everyday. But, I do still resent it.

 

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[mom of 2 boys]

I gave up on my dream of running my own design business. It's actually pretty depressing for me to think about, but I'll share it with you. I knew for awhile that I really wanted to stay home and raise my children, and the idea of homeschooling them was there very early on as well (before they were born.) At the same time, I was interested in working independently and talented in design, so I created a goal for myself that I would become a freelance graphic designer/marketing professional and work from home while being a mom. I figured that if things grew, I could start to expand out and hire people. Fast forward a few years and I was actually on track with my ideas. By the time I got married and had my first child I was freelancing, and I managed to get myself a steady stream of contract work from a company that was located almost an hour south of me. I was starting to get smaller gigs here and there in addition to that, and things were looking good. A little while later though, my son was diagnosed with autism, and his needs and therapy took over my life. I tried putting him in daycare part time, but they were unable to meet his needs in a way that I felt comfortable with, so I quit and devoted myself to him. I had another child, and he also has autism - so I don't see myself having time to run a business any time soon. Not to mention, I have absolutely no clue what is going on in graphic design and marketing these days. By the time I get around to it, whatever I knew as standard will be obsolete. The only reason I would ever consider re-educating myself in this area is because my husband has since decided to change engineering disciplines and is now working in software engineering. It turns out that he is very talented, and we could consider working together in web development or something along those lines in the future (I design, he programs.) 

[scrapper4life]

Significant dream, no. Small ones...what I would call "bucket list" things or goals...yes. My dreams are being lived out each day. Wife, mom and faithful church worker pretty make up my dream :) Simple, yet very fulfilling to me. But there are things that I said I always wanted to do that I continue to put off. Actually at the end of last year, I sat down with my hubby and told him that I wanted to take on a new adventure of some sort. We need a little extra income so I knew I had to tackle something that would be income-producing. So learning to play the piano was out because that would cost us money. But, I have always wanted to be one of those ladies with a table full of pretties at a craft show or home party. I know, I'm am odd. Most people run like the wind when you mention anything related to sales. But, nonetheless, it is something I have always wanted to do. So I set my mind to find something that fit for our family. I knew it would be a tough sell (no pun intended) to my dh, because most of those things require so much investment of both time and money. Yet, in another homeschool group I found out about something I could do all online and add in the events as I wanted and the start up wasn't much. I showed it to dh and to my complete surprise, he said, "Go for it!" Like, with enthusiasm and everything! So I took it as a sign to make this the year I cross off that "little dream" from my bucket list. I have no idea where it will go, but for me it's more that I am doing it. No longer will I say, "I always wanted to do that. Maybe someday..." That is what has me so excited! The DOING part :)

 

I also like what someone else said about changing course. That has happened often and I appreciate her perspective. Best wishes to you!

Edited January 21, 2017 by scrapper4life

[SamanthaCarter]

Everything but kids and a happy marriage, so there's that still.

 

 

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