Ugh. Things to NEVER say!

[kitten18]

Ahhhh, I can always count on the hive.

 

I never would have known that adults are offended when others tell them they look young.

[AnnE-girl]

My mom came with me to a La Leche League meeting when ds10 was a baby. One of the other moms remarked to her that it was so nice to see another older mom there. I don't remember if my mom was even holding ds at the time. My mom was in her mid-fifties, but she doesn't look her age. And I was a baby-faced 25-year-old at the time.

[MamaBearTeacher]

A local politician's wife was going door-to-door for his campaign when I was 25 but she did not want to talk to me because she only wanted to talk to people who could vote. I did not vote for him!

[Bambam]

Do NOT ever ask a dear friend's 15 year old son about his very recent and dramatic hair cut, "Did you cut your hair yourself?"

 

Kick self. Kick self again. Boy was fine with it. Mom, not so much.

 

So glad I didn't say what I was really thinking. "Do you want me to go beat up the guy who gave you that haircut?"

[Amber in SJ]

My then 13 yo dd would often take her 2yo brother to the park a block or so from our house and almost every time some adult would ask her if that was her baby.  Seriously?  My 13yo was in no way an early developer and at that time she didn't wear makeup and had braces.  

 

I do have a funny story about this though....

One of my very good friends is a blond, blue-eyed southern woman who adopted 6 children; none of whom have the same racial background that she does. The last child was adopted in her 40s.  Fast-forward to park day and we are all standing around when a stranger brought my friend's son over to complain that he wasn't sharing his sand toys.  It went like this:

 

Stranger:  Are you the babysitter?  Or the grandma?  Your little boy isn't sharing!

 

Friend (very offended:)  I am his mother!  Why would you assume I am the babysitter or the grandma?  How dare you!

 

Stranger:  Uh.....

 

Friend:  I am not that old!  I could be his biological parent.  There are many resources for older women to have babies you know!

 

Stranger:  Uh.....

 

Friend:  You shouldn't make assumptions about things you clearly know nothing about!

 

Stranger leaves

 

Friend:  The nerve of that woman asking me if I was the grandma or babysitter!

 

Me:  She might have asked because Brandon is black and you aren't.

 

Friend:  Oh!  Do you think so?  Oh my word.

 

Amber in SJ

[greenbeanmama]

When I was a teen I often carted around my sister who was ten years younger and a preemie (so, tiny for her age, even in elementary school).  Most people around town assumed she was mine, and that our mom was her grandma.  My mom still recalls the very embarrassed bank teller who thought it was so nice she got to run errands with her grandchild that day.

 

My 91-year-old grandma lives in a senior community.  My 64-year-old mother visits her several times a week.  We became friends with a new family in town, and the dad happens to work at the senior community, so knows my grandma.  After four months, he finally realized that my mom was not my sister.  My mom has not laughed that hard in years.

[zaichiki]

Worst one was on my first day of teaching, I was in my 20s. I thought I was dressed professionally. I got asked by another teacher (who i had mwt and seen at planning meetings and such) if I had a hall pass when I was heading somewhere during my planning period. 

The *exact* same thing happened to me my first day of teaching -- in a MIDDLE SCHOOL!  I was puzzled and embarrassed.  When I thought about it later I was angry (that I was stopped from my purpose and asked for a hall pass).  A friend offered to teach me how to do makeup to make myself look older, suggested I get a different hairstyle, AND told me to go shopping for new work clothes!  Other friends told me I would appreciate the comment as I got older.

[theelfqueen]

Yeah I haven't gotten to the appreciate it point...

 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[zaichiki]

Ok - here's one that does annoy me. I have brown hair, dh has dark brown hair, and our two middle boys both have brown hair. Littlest ds is blonde and oldest dd is blonde. I can't count how many times I've been asked, in relation to either littlest ds or dd, "Where did that blonde hair come from?"  twenties so there must be blonde genes somewhere? 

Oldest ds has dark brown hair, brown eyes, and tans really easily in the summers. I have light brown hair and blue eyes and don't tan as quickly. When he was about 2 we were walking in the mall and some strange wacko lady waltzed right up to me and asked me if I was "the Swedish nanny."

 

Oldest dd has red hair and very light skin.  Unlike her brother, she doesn't tan at all. Both ds and dd are full biological siblings. One summer we went to a large homeschool gathering at another mom's house where the kids were all playing in the backyard. One mom asked me if my two kids (remember the oldest tans quickly and it was summer) were the same race.  She seriously just came out and asked me that. I was so caught off guard that I just stared at her for a moment.  (Then I answered "yes" because I was so surprised I couldn't even think of a good response.)  Seriously, who SAYS stuff like that to strangers (as if it's any of your business anyway)?!

 

BTW My picture, up there in the left-hand corner, is those two kids about 12 years ago...

Edited December 2, 2016 by zaichiki

[SKL]

When I was 25, I took my 16yo brother out to eat at one of those Japanese places where you share a table with other people.  When I pulled out my wallet to pay the bill, the guy next to us said to his seatmate, "I like that, the wife pays!"  It was the first time I realized my baby brother was starting to look grown-up.  :P

[scoutingmom]

My mom was offended too when she was carded because her 18yo son was trying to buy her a beer. And here I thought people liked being thought younger. I guess I am just dense. :)

It depends how young they think you are.

 

When I was in my late 20's people thought I was a teen, and I hated it.

 

One time I was buying a gift with my credit card, and I was asked if my mom had given permission to use her card... When I said it was mine she said something about it being one of the new teen cards.

 

Another time I was walking back to work after lunch and while waiting for the light I heard a man near me muttering about teens skipping school and realizing he was talking about me...

 

No, not happy to be mistaken as a teen when you are an adult.

 

I do admit that I like that most people estimate my age now as 10 to 15 years younger than I am, but I am still considered an adult.

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

[AnnE-girl]

I almost forgot about an incident when I was working in an office in downtown Chicago. I was coming back from lunch with a coworker friend who also happens to be under five feet tall like me. As we were riding the elevator to our office, some guy going to a different floor asked if we were going to visit our mom at work. I was twenty-four and she was twenty-six at the time.

[MEmama]

When I was 22 I flew across country to plan out some details for my wedding. I was mortified when the flight attendant asked if I was old enough to be sitting in the emergency exit row--at that time it was 15. Seriously?!

[AndyJoy]

I get the "you can't be his mother/you can't be old enough to be his mother" when out with my 21 year old and always have... it annoys me constantly.

 

Worst one was on my first day of teaching, I was in my 20s. I thought I was dressed professionally. I got asked by another teacher (who i had mwt and seen at planning meetings and such) if I had a hall pass when I was heading somewhere during my planning period. I did make jokes with that teacher for a long time afterward "I would have made those department copies but no one would give me a pass to the office. / I would have brought you coffee but I'm not allowed in the teacher's lounge."

 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

Last week at church I met someone who assumed I was a new college grad. I just turned 35, and though my kids are 7 & 3, I've been married long enough to have a 12-year-old. I took it as a compliment. I'm often told I look younger, and my 63-year-old mother can easily pass for early 50s.

 

When I was 25-26 I taught junior high on a K-12 campus and parents were frequently confused about my age. Once I was asked if I was graduating or a junior! Another time a parent walked into my PE class and scanned the room for the teacher, but didn't see one and asked where the teacher was. Then I chaperoned an 8th grade graduation trip to Magic Mountain, and I could tell one of the moms was uncomfortable with my husband and me driving for some reason. I guessed she thought I was young, so I assured her I was 26, had been driving excellently for 11 years, etc. She relaxed and admitted she thought I was 21, and in CA many don't get there licenses until 18-20.

Edited December 2, 2016 by AndyJoy

[gardenmom5]

When I was 22 I flew across country to plan out some details for my wedding. I was mortified when the flight attendant asked if I was old enough to be sitting in the emergency exit row--at that time it was 15. Seriously?!

 

do they post a disclaimer like stores do with booze - that is you look younger than 30, we will ask for ID.

[brehon]

I've been taken for much younger than I actually am; been mistaken for my teen son's sister; and was routinely carded until I was 41.

 

I guess I don't understand why I should be upset about any of that. I joked with the bartender who carded me when I was 41 that he was my new best friend.

[Julie Smith]

Always assume one generation less then you think. So Gramma becomes mom. Mom becomes sister....

Or just ask, "Well who is this?" ... "Oh she is my daughter/grand-daughter..."

 

And never assume pregnant till you see the head. 

[Julie Smith]

Once someone said to me, "Oh, I thought you were much older than that". 

 

:huh:

 

Supposedly I look much older than, at the time 36. 

 

Edited December 2, 2016 by Julie Smith

[Wheres Toto]

I didn't mind it when people thought I was in my mid-20's when I was in my 30's.  I could pass for around 10 years younger right until I had the last two kids.  Blonde and skinny evidently looks younger than brown hair and fat.  :glare:

 

What I didn't like was when people were fishing for information about whether I was a teen mom.  Occasionally it was annoying otherwise, like when I ran into a liquor store really quick without my purse and got carded.  I just looked at them like "really?", I was over 40 and looked it.

[SKL]

I was helping my sister move - she was early 20s and I was mid 30s.  We went to buy beer for the helpers.  My sister was not carded, but I was.  I think it was the reason she was in a bad mood later.  :p  I've had other people express surprise that she isn't the older one (I am 13 years older).

 

I used to look a little young for my age, but now I think I look all of my 50 years.  Which makes me wonder how old my sister looks to others.  :P  I do have somewhat darker coloring, which is more forgiving of sun exposure etc.

Edited December 2, 2016 by SKL

[luuknam]

"How are you two related?" sounds even better.

 

For some reason that sounds more nosy/prying.

 

Worst one was on my first day of teaching, I was in my 20s. I thought I was dressed professionally. I got asked by another teacher (who i had mwt and seen at planning meetings and such) if I had a hall pass when I was heading somewhere during my planning period. I did make jokes with that teacher for a long time afterward "I would have made those department copies but no one would give me a pass to the office. / I would have brought you coffee but I'm not allowed in the teacher's lounge."

 

I needed to get some paperwork notarized at the beginning of my oldest's 2nd year of preschool, but the elementary school notary was out, so they sent me to the high school notary. Where I got asked if I was enrolled yet. I was 27 at the time, so I explained I'd graduated high school almost a decade earlier and wasn't about to repeat that experience, TYVM. Likewise, while pregnant with youngest (26yo), I once ran into the Walmart restroom to throw up, and started crying because I wasn't feeling good. So some teen girl tried to comfort me that being a teen mom wasn't the end of the world or w/e. Which, I'm sure it isn't, but not from personal experience.

 

My trans-wife is 8 years older than me, and people have guessed various possible relationships between us. When I got blood work done while pregnant with oldest, the phlebotomist assumed she was my brother (hint - if an obviously pregnant person is getting blood work/ultrasounds/etc done and is accompanied by a male person, guess it's the baby's father - a bunch of other people have guessed brother, but at least I wasn't pregnant those times). A number of people have guessed sisters, and some guessed mom, some directly, or some indirectly by guessing she was our baby's grandmother (that one did not go over well, though I thought it was funny, plus, obviously plenty of people thought I was 14-16yo, so, it's not like they thought she was old).

 

ETA: ironically, when I was 14yo, people often thought I was 16-17. I once bought rum when I was 14yo without getting carded (in NL, the age to buy liquor is 18).

Edited December 2, 2016 by luuknam

[Excelsior! Academy]

I get the "you can't be his mother/you can't be old enough to be his mother" when out with my 21 year old and always have... it annoys me constantly.

 

Worst one was on my first day of teaching, I was in my 20s. I thought I was dressed professionally. I got asked by another teacher (who i had mwt and seen at planning meetings and such) if I had a hall pass when I was heading somewhere during my planning period. I did make jokes with that teacher for a long time afterward "I would have made those department copies but no one would give me a pass to the office. / I would have brought you coffee but I'm not allowed in the teacher's lounge."

 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

 

 

it's supposed to be a complement that you look younger than you are.

just give a perfunctory smile.  and change the subject.   I've heard that so many times . . . . honestly - it's tiresome.  and clerks in stores ignore you because they think you're too young to be a serious shopper.  (I complained to the manager about one.)

 

Yes! Yes! Yes!!

 

 

 

 

I had my children in my early twenties, and my oldest is tall. I am told all the time "you don't look old enough to be a mom". It feels like a judgement and I don't consider that a compliment.

 

 

I get this a lot too (married at 22, had kids starting a year later). I feel like I need to explain that I wasn't a teen mom (though I don't say this). And even if I was, who cares? The "you're too young to have a high school senior!" just feels like an awkward thing to respond to.

 

People also comment that they can't believe I've had 5 kids (because I'm not fat). That irritates me too, even though they are just being nice. I want to say that 1. Having babies (even, gasp, more than 2) does not consign women to a life of obesity and 2. I did not "earn" my slimness through the discipline they might assume. I have slim-person genes. So it just feels like they are complimenting something that really has no relation to my personhood or achievements. 

 

Yes!  I was a counselor at a summer camp when I was 18 and was very rudely told to find my counselor and not to wander around.   :001_rolleyes:  

 

I was 21 when oldest dd (who is nearly 20) was born and any time someone finds out we are mother and daughter they are always surprised.  I feel badly for her, because I am sure she doesn't appreciate being told she looks similar in age to her 41 year-old momma!

 

Also, I have 9 kiddos and I get similar responses as Janie Grace, "You don't LOOK like you've had 9 kids!!"  What does someone who has 9 kids "look like" anyway?

 

 

(Bolding in quotes mine)

Edited December 2, 2016 by Excelsior! Academy

[luuknam]

Also, I have 9 kiddos and I get similar responses as Janie Grace, "You don't LOOK like you've had 9 kids!!"  What does someone who has 9 kids "look like" anyway?

 

Tired?

[scoutingmom]

 

 

And never assume pregnant till you see the head.

That can be awkward too though...

 

Now, I am a larger person, and don't get an obvious pregnancy bump. But I do get larger.

 

I was overdue with one of my kids, and at a church function. Someone asked me something like how was I doing and something like how was the baby doing (in such a way that indicated I was pregnant...). The person sitting next to me, who saw me weekly, said "I didn't know you were expecting! When are you due?" Me... "5 days ago....". Awkward pause....

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

[heartlikealion]

I have been given the children's menu when dh and I started going out.  It was, um, awkward to say the least.

 

wha??!!

 

[La Condessa]

When I was in my early twenties and working as a preschool teacher, I regularly had strangers assume I was a teen and the parents of my students assume I was around thirty. Both would be shocked when they heard I was 21 or so. Which I assume means I looked younger but acted older?

 

My mom gets mistaken for my sister all the time. When my oldest was a toddler and we lived with them, she would babysit while I worked and she loved it when people assumed she was the mom-she usually would just go along with it, and we'd laugh about it later. A few times she'd take dd with to my youngest brother's school functions, and other moms who'd had kids far apart would approach her and want to talk about the difficulties of having a middle/high schooler and a baby/toddler, and how far apart were her kids? To which she'd reply that her oldest and youngest were thirteen years apart, but actually, her oldest was a mother of five, and this was her third child's daughter.

 

The most embarrassing assumed-relationship situation I've been in was when I was working as a nanny and expecting my first, and I would frequently take the children I was nannying out to meet their dad to play at the park and get dinner with him then take them back to mom's house. I was 22 and often mistaken for a teen, the dad was in his late thirties, and there were twin 2 1/2 year olds, an 18 month old, and I was very pregnant. Every time, the whispers and stares and nasty looks at their dad made me want to hide. Or just wear a sign around my neck with "Nanny" written on it.

[Tenaj]

I remembered this thread this morning while at the pediatrician's with my 13 yods.  You can probably guess where this is going . . . .  Nurse is weighing him and looks at me and says, "Are you grandma or mom?"   

 

I get this question all the time with my 7 yodd and my 9yods but this was a first with the 13yo.  I was 38 when he was born, so, yay, could be grandma.

 

In the nurse's defense, I realized pretty quickly that she was new in the office and a bit flustered trying to remember the procedures so I'll give her a pass.  I did want to give her some advice about which questions to ask first though - LOL!

[HS Mom in NC]

I've always thought it was weird when people try to guess about an unstated relationship in an attempt to make conversation. I never understood the need for external confirmation on things like that.  I just never really cared how two people were related to each other even if they looked like they might be.  If someone didn't feel the need to identify the relationship as in, "This is my mother." then I assumed it wasn't relevant. 

I completely understand when people ask for reason.  When you're getting medical treatment, it matters if it's the parent or the grandparent.  If someone is considering international adoption has questions and sees someone who likely adopted internationally it makes perfect sense for them to ask.

So it always surprises me when people do it.  My youngest is a Korean adoptee and I'm not Asian, so it seems pretty obvious to me what the possible relationships between us are: adoptive parent, nanny/sitter, parent with neighbor kid, extended relative.  What's weird to me is that people need to know. I'm perfectly content with not knowing in other people's situations.  I don't need someone to tell me my guess was right, so I often wonder what it is inside a person that compels them to ask a perfect stranger the answer.  

For example, when youngest was a baby I was out shopping at a clothing store.  As I was standing in line a woman I don't know asked me, "Is she adopted?" I smiled and said enthusiastically, "Yes." Then she asked, "Did you adopt her because you can't have kids of your own?" I thought Lady, I'm not inviting you into my doctor's office because it's none of your business how my reproductive organs and other health issues affect my approach to family building but I said cheerfully, "I have biological children too." She continued, "Did you adopt her because your other kids are boys and you wanted a girl?" I thought Are you on some weird game show where if you correctly guess things about total strangers you will some sort of prize? But I said pleasantly, "My older kids are both girls too." Whatever it is inside that person that causes her to keep probing just isn't inside of me.  If I were curious about something with a stranger I would just wonder about all the possibilities, not ask.
 

[Amber in SJ]

Well, if we are talking about all the nutty things people say....

 

My children all had platinum blond hair and blue eyes.  I have light brown curly hair and blue eyes, my hair was blond as a child but never as blond as my kids, and Dh has flaming red hair and blue eyes.

 

One day in the grocery store a little old lady stopped me to tell me what pretty hair my toddler had.  She asked me if my husband had that hair.  I replied that, no he has red hair.  She looked at me with narrowed eyes and said, "Maybe someone else is the daddy...."

 

What?  

 

I stood there with my mouth open.  I had nothing to say, I was so shocked.

 

Amber in SJ

[TCB]

Saying , "Are you two sisters?" has no downside. 

 

Unless you're the daughter out with your mom - then you feel like you must look really old! 

 

ETA - Several others have already said this lol!

Edited December 5, 2016 by tcb

[Lilaclady]

 

 

One day in the grocery store a little old lady stopped me to tell me what pretty hair my toddler had. She asked me if my husband had that hair. I replied that, no he has red hair. She looked at me with narrowed eyes and said, "Maybe someone else is the daddy...."

 

What?

 

I stood there with my mouth open. I had nothing to say, I was so shocked.

 

Amber in SJ

Oh my word!!!!! That is so crazy.

[Melissa in Australia]

DD16, twins 5 and I were sitting on a bus, a old lady hops on and says to us " how lovely, 3 generations" . Dd was horrified 

[SKL]

Speaking of cross racial adoption, once I was in the checkout at drug mart with my two daughters.  They are indigenious Central American with the coloring of Mowgli [in the cartoon]; I am of European descent aka white.  The checkout lady said, "I'll bet they look like their dad."  To which I responded, "I wouldn't know."  LOL.  She figured it out a bit late, felt embarrassed and then tried to make it up by gushing about how wonderful adoption is.

[SKL]

My kids' nanny was thought to be the grandma and I was thought to be the nanny at times.  :P

[Tohru]

Depends on my mood. I either laugh about it or it makes me sad that some one honestly sees me like that.

 

My very petite mother went trick or treating, no one batted an eye, people just gave her candy.

[Tohru]

Speaking of cross racial adoption, once I was in the checkout at drug mart with my two daughters.  They are indigenious Central American with the coloring of Mowgli [in the cartoon]; I am of European descent aka white.  The checkout lady said, "I'll bet they look like their dad."  To which I responded, "I wouldn't know."  LOL.  She figured it out a bit late, felt embarrassed and then tried to make it up by gushing about how wonderful adoption is.

 

My assumption of an adopted child is that they are always the biological child unless I'm blatantly told otherwise, regardless of how they look. This ignorance has trickled down to my own children - probably because we know Caucasian parents that have biological children with much, much darker skin. It isn't as uncommon as you'd think.

 

[SKL]

My assumption of an adopted child is that they are always the biological child unless I'm blatantly told otherwise, regardless of how they look. This ignorance has trickled down to my own children - probably because we know Caucasian parents that have biological children with much, much darker skin. It isn't as uncommon as you'd think.

 

 

It's one thing to make an assumption, however far-fetched; it's another to make a comment about it.

[December]

Ok - here's one that does annoy me. I have brown hair, dh has dark brown hair, and our two middle boys both have brown hair. Littlest ds is blonde and oldest dd is blonde. I can't count how many times I've been asked, in relation to either littlest ds or dd, "Where did that blonde hair come from?" Depending on who is asking, I've actually said, "From the mail man!" Dh has made funny jokes about how often he works out of town. 

 

But, seriously, I always wonder what prompts people to ask? Do they want a long diatribe about how I was blonde when I was a little kid and my sister was actually blonde until she hit her twenties so there must be blonde genes somewhere? 

 

 

I get that same question and I just say, "I had blond hair when I was a kid."  It never occurred to me that it was an offensive question or one that required a long explanation. 

[Guest]

Agreeing that it's best not to guess at relationships with random strangers.

 

My youngest child has blue eyes, but the rest of us do not. Presumably, DH and I carry blue as recessive, since his father and my mother both had blue eyes. One time at a restaurant, the server said towards DS (but to us, the parents), "Where did you get those blue eyes?! Your mom and dad do not have blue eyes!" I was thinking, "There are a staggering number of possible reasons why this would be, not all of them flattering." He could be adopted, he could have a different mother or father, he could be an unrelated child we're babysitting...or he could just be turning up genetics hidden behind the more dominant genes.

 

Really just better to say nothing.

[Guest]

Ok - here's one that does annoy me. I have brown hair, dh has dark brown hair, and our two middle boys both have brown hair. Littlest ds is blonde and oldest dd is blonde. I can't count how many times I've been asked, in relation to either littlest ds or dd, "Where did that blonde hair come from?" Depending on who is asking, I've actually said, "From the mail man!" Dh has made funny jokes about how often he works out of town.

 

But, seriously, I always wonder what prompts people to ask? Do they want a long diatribe about how I was blonde when I was a little kid and my sister was actually blonde until she hit her twenties so there must be blonde genes somewhere?

You look like a blonde in your avatar, assuming that is a photo of you.

 

And both DH and I had blonde hair as children. A lot of people find this surprising and it's funny to me, because I find it utterly unsurprising. Lots of white people with medium or even dark brown hair are blonde as children.

 

On an tangential note, I still think of DS17 as "blonde," though people meeting him now do not call him blonde at all. His hair was blonde until just a few years ago, so in my head, he is blonde. :)

[YaelAldrich]

Stuck my foot in my mouth over Yom Kippur this year. 

 

I went to a new synagogue this year with friends.  An older-looking (easily in her late 50s) woman came in with two tow-headed children that looked 5 and 8ish and looked nothing like her.  Our kids were getting antsy and so I gathered them to take them outside and asked the lady if I could take hers too so she could concentrate on the service.  We played outside for a bit and then came back.  The lady was outside taking a break and I told her that her grandchildren behaved so nicely while out and about.  She shook her head and told me that they weren't her grandchildren, but were her children through surrogacy.  Not only that, her husband was the biological father.  I almost died from the foot in my mouth.  I apologized and restated that her children were very well behaved.

 

Never, never make assumptions.

Edited December 6, 2016 by YaelAldrich

[Ravin]

Except for if one of the "sisters" thinks the other "sister" is butt ugly. Then it has a down side. 

 

I suggest not doing that, either. LOL

 

 

Well...I have sisters who are identical twins, and one of them in high school called the other one ugly (and she wasn't talking about behavior, but looks). So YMMV.

 

I do have another sister who gets mistaken for her daughter's sister all. the. time. But, that is because she looks preternaturally young. Like, she's almost 40 but looks in her early 20's. And her daughter is in her early 20's.

 

I often get, "You don't look old enough to have a teenager!" and so on. The vibe for a guy is a bit different than for a woman; usually with a woman they're outright trying to compliment you. With guys they apparently think you're lying about your age. I sometimes just say it's the second puberty that makes me look so young (which is somewhat true). When I was younger people tended to think I looked older than I was--going all the way back to my late teens, people thought I was 30. Now, apparently they still think I'm around 30. 

[Ravin]

Well, if we are talking about all the nutty things people say....

 

My children all had platinum blond hair and blue eyes.  I have light brown curly hair and blue eyes, my hair was blond as a child but never as blond as my kids, and Dh has flaming red hair and blue eyes.

 

One day in the grocery store a little old lady stopped me to tell me what pretty hair my toddler had.  She asked me if my husband had that hair.  I replied that, no he has red hair.  She looked at me with narrowed eyes and said, "Maybe someone else is the daddy...."

 

What?  

 

I stood there with my mouth open.  I had nothing to say, I was so shocked.

 

Amber in SJ

 

 "Maybe someone doesn't understand genetics."

Edited December 6, 2016 by Ravin

[Ravin]

Once someone said to me, "Oh, I thought you were much older than that". 

 

:huh:

 

Supposedly I look much older than, at the time 36. 

 

 

From this picture, I would hazard a guess of "somewhere between 18 and 40."

[SquirrellyMama]

I had my two daycare kids at the library along with 2 of my own kids one day. My dc kids were preschool age at the time, I was 38ish. Someone came up and asked if I was the grandmother. I was so shocked, I think I said no, I was the dc provider and walked away. She came back up later and tried to explain saying that she knew one set of their grandparents, but had never met the other one so assumed I was the other grandmother. I just kept thinking, "if you don't know who I am then ask if I'm their aunt, not the grandmother!"

 

I think I just mumbled something and walked off again. 

 

This next story isn't about being mistaken for being too old or too young , just a foot in the mouth story. My dh has a stutter, which, for the most part is controlled. There are times when the stuttering is worse, especially in uncomfortable situations. He's an introvert, so lots of people make him uncomfortable. We were at a church conference with a lot of people we didn't know. This couple came up and we started talking, and the husband told my husband about a great program to help with stuttering. We just looked at them shocked, and turn around and walked away. The other couple looked a bit shocked also. Not sure if it was because we just turned around, or if the wife was shocked that her husband had said that. Maybe he was shocked that he had said it out loud. We didn't see them again.

 

Kelly

[Scarlett]

Ok - here's one that does annoy me. I have brown hair, dh has dark brown hair, and our two middle boys both have brown hair. Littlest ds is blonde and oldest dd is blonde. I can't count how many times I've been asked, in relation to either littlest ds or dd, "Where did that blonde hair come from?" Depending on who is asking, I've actually said, "From the mail man!" Dh has made funny jokes about how often he works out of town.

 

But, seriously, I always wonder what prompts people to ask? Do they want a long diatribe about how I was blonde when I was a little kid and my sister was actually blonde until she hit her twenties so there must be blonde genes somewhere?

It is just something to talk about. I don't think any harm is meant.

[SquirrellyMama]

Ok - here's one that does annoy me. I have brown hair, dh has dark brown hair, and our two middle boys both have brown hair. Littlest ds is blonde and oldest dd is blonde. I can't count how many times I've been asked, in relation to either littlest ds or dd, "Where did that blonde hair come from?" Depending on who is asking, I've actually said, "From the mail man!" Dh has made funny jokes about how often he works out of town. 

 

But, seriously, I always wonder what prompts people to ask? Do they want a long diatribe about how I was blonde when I was a little kid and my sister was actually blonde until she hit her twenties so there must be blonde genes somewhere? 

 

I think it depends on how the question is asked. I did ask someone at our church once who had two red heads, but both parents had dark, almost black, hair. I didn't say it in an accusatory tone.  I just find hair color really interesting. I usually assume there must be a great grandfather, uncle, or grandmother that had that hair color. I love it when they talk about some distant relative that had the hair color and only a select few people end up with it. I only asked if I knew what both parents looked like. 

 

I don't ask anymore, because I realized they probably get asked a lot. And, if they've had it said in an accusatory tone they might not see a difference in asking out of genuine curiosity.

 

ETA: I think I'm curious about hair color because I have seriously boring hair. 

 

Kelly

Edited December 6, 2016 by SquirrellyMama

[Scarlett]

I've always thought it was weird when people try to guess about an unstated relationship in an attempt to make conversation. I never understood the need for external confirmation on things like that. I just never really cared how two people were related to each other even if they looked like they might be. If someone didn't feel the need to identify the relationship as in, "This is my mother." then I assumed it wasn't relevant.

 

I completely understand when people ask for reason. When you're getting medical treatment, it matters if it's the parent or the grandparent. If someone is considering international adoption has questions and sees someone who likely adopted internationally it makes perfect sense for them to ask.

 

So it always surprises me when people do it. My youngest is a Korean adoptee and I'm not Asian, so it seems pretty obvious to me what the possible relationships between us are: adoptive parent, nanny/sitter, parent with neighbor kid, extended relative. What's weird to me is that people need to know. I'm perfectly content with not knowing in other people's situations. I don't need someone to tell me my guess was right, so I often wonder what it is inside a person that compels them to ask a perfect stranger the answer.

 

For example, when youngest was a baby I was out shopping at a clothing store. As I was standing in line a woman I don't know asked me, "Is she adopted?" I smiled and said enthusiastically, "Yes." Then she asked, "Did you adopt her because you can't have kids of your own?" I thought Lady, I'm not inviting you into my doctor's office because it's none of your business how my reproductive organs and other health issues affect my approach to family building but I said cheerfully, "I have biological children too." She continued, "Did you adopt her because your other kids are boys and you wanted a girl?" I thought Are you on some weird game show where if you correctly guess things about total strangers you will some sort of prize? But I said pleasantly, "My older kids are both girls too." Whatever it is inside that person that causes her to keep probing just isn't inside of me. If I were curious about something with a stranger I would just wonder about all the possibilities, not ask.

 

I admit I have that curiosity factor. I ask more questions than you would but that lady went too far.

[vonbon]

I'm one of those people who say awkward or dumb things on a fairly regular basis, I think..  It's like I'm missing a gene or some filter or something that would make me THINK through all of what I say/ask before it comes out of my mouth.  Or I say it with a tone that somehow doesn't truly communicate things in the way that I mean to.

 

And then, I'm introverted, so I replay conversations and worry about how other people took what I said.  Sometimes I think people completely (like 180 degrees difference) misunderstand what I'm trying to say! 

 

Also have a dry sense of humor so that is, yet again, another opportunity for misunderstanding to occur--

[SKL]

I too am fascinated by genetics.  I am also surprised at how many people don't understand genetics at all.

 

I think that being in the adoption community has helped me to be a bit more sensible about what not to say.  Also being a single mom, which generates various assumptions, especially in people who don't know what my kids look like.  Oh, and I'm an older mom too (40 years older than my kids).  I could go on with all the things people ASSume based on what they see.  Basically don't assume unless there is some reason you need to.  :)  But I know, it's human nature.

 

I would also note that just because people look like they could be related, just because they are legally related, that doesn't mean there wasn't something else going on, which they would not want to discuss.  Like kid 4 out of 6 having a different biological father.  Or the youngest kid actually being the result of oldest kid's teen pregnancy.

 

Finally, there are some kinds of information that are the rightful property of the child, not the parents and whoever might be chatting with the parents.