I Don't Like My Kids

[wendyroo]

By all other measures we are doing relatively well.  Perhaps not thriving, but several notches above mere survival and I figure that is pretty good with four kids 7 and under, the older two of whom have significant mental health issues.  We have a good daily routine, they all enjoy school time, we eat a healthy diet, we manage to keep the house clean-ish, DH and I have a strong, committed marriage, etc.

 

But I have started to realize that I view the kids (especially the older two) as necessary responsibilities, not as enjoyable people.

 

I've gotten so good at following everyone's advice - don't take their behavior personally - that I think I have built a big wall between myself and the kids.  I face every morning with glum acceptance, ready to calmly "not take it personally" as they scream for hours and hit and kick me and destroy the house and, really, behave like feral animals.

 

I feel like a zookeeper, simply focused on managing my charges.  Keeping them from hurting themselves or others, offering them food and rest, preforming necessary hygiene tasks, cleaning up after their uncivilized destruction...all the while accepting that my charges will probably be fighting me tooth and nail every step of the way and I have no choice but to stoically endure because they lack the maturity/rationality/empathy/executive function for me to expect anything more.

 

I think I manage to portray a generally cheerful disposition, but it is a bland, resigned, forced cheerfulness.  I accept the children I have and feel a deep responsibility toward them and do my damnedest every single day to do right by them, but I really don't enjoy them, I don't feel maternal fondness, I don't like them.

 

I don't know what I'm asking.  Mostly I'm just trying to sort things out in my head.  Counseling isn't an option; we are already spending a small fortune on mental health care every month and we simply can't afford more.  It is also difficult because DH can't reliably care for all four of the kids safely; managing them is a balancing act, and he simply doesn't have enough day in and day out experience to not slip occasionally which can lead to catastrophic results.

 

This is just so far from what I imagined motherhood would be.   :sad:

 

Wendy

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I enjoy my kids a lot more as they get older (they are 11 and nearly 15).  When they were that little they were mostly, being blunt, a chore.  I had moments I enjoyed (seeing them be cute in a play, going through milestones, etc.), but a lot of it was cleaning up after them, feeding them, carting them around, etc.  Every time I had to go somewhere it was like having someone tell me to go while wearing a 1000 pound backpack that made a lot of weird loud noises.  It was just work and overwhelming and not fun at all most of the time.  I guess I was never one of these natural mothers who was comfortable bringing an infant (or young child) anywhere anytime and managing it without wanting to tear my hair out.

 

Neither of my kids have any major challenges.  So you have extra challenges.  Minus one of mine with colic.  The colic was so bad I basically could not leave the house until it got better.  Who would have put up with a screaming infant? 

 

So I think you are probably more normal than you think. 

Big hugs... :grouphug:

Edited October 17, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[Spryte]

Sending you big hugs. You're right in the thick of it.

 

If counseling isn't an option, can you work with DH to carve out some time just for you, away from kids? Not grocery shopping, or doing tasks, but a clear time that is just for you?

 

This will get easier as they grow, and I confess that I enjoy my kids more now that they are older, too.

Edited October 17, 2016 by Spryte

[Miss Mousie]

:grouphug:

 

I know you're walking a rough road, Wendy.  Are you familiar with Denisemomof4's posts?  I think I got the name right.  Anyway, you may find help & commiseration there.  Like you, she is a very strong parent of a really difficult kid.

 

More hugs for you.  I'm sorry it's so hard.  :grouphug:

 

[Innisfree]

 

 

 

I hear you. I'm not where you are ATM, but... I can relate. I wish I could offer some in-person help, but I'm sending virtual hugs for lack of anything better.

 

You have such a huge job. Are you really fully persuaded that homeschooling is best? If so, I wouldn't begin to argue. You know your own situation. But, really, what you are trying to do is enough to keep several people busy. Could this feeling be the indicator that you need help? What alternatives exist?

 

Edited to remove quote: didn't mean to include that.

Edited October 17, 2016 by Innisfree

[Scarlett]

By all other measures we are doing relatively well. Perhaps not thriving, but several notches above mere survival and I figure that is pretty good with four kids 7 and under, the older two of whom have significant mental health issues. We have a good daily routine, they all enjoy school time, we eat a healthy diet, we manage to keep the house clean-ish, DH and I have a strong, committed marriage, etc.

 

But I have started to realize that I view the kids (especially the older two) as necessary responsibilities, not as enjoyable people.

 

I've gotten so good at following everyone's advice - don't take their behavior personally - that I think I have built a big wall between myself and the kids. I face every morning with glum acceptance, ready to calmly "not take it personally" as they scream for hours and hit and kick me and destroy the house and, really, behave like feral animals.

 

I feel like a zookeeper, simply focused on managing my charges. Keeping them from hurting themselves or others, offering them food and rest, preforming necessary hygiene tasks, cleaning up after their uncivilized destruction...all the while accepting that my charges will probably be fighting me tooth and nail every step of the way and I have no choice but to stoically endure because they lack the maturity/rationality/empathy/executive function for me to expect anything more.

 

I think I manage to portray a generally cheerful disposition, but it is a bland, resigned, forced cheerfulness. I accept the children I have and feel a deep responsibility toward them and do my damnedest every single day to do right by them, but I really don't enjoy them, I don't feel maternal fondness, I don't like them.

 

I don't know what I'm asking. Mostly I'm just trying to sort things out in my head. Counseling isn't an option; we are already spending a small fortune on mental health care every month and we simply can't afford more. It is also difficult because DH can't reliably care for all four of the kids safely; managing them is a balancing act, and he simply doesn't have enough day in and day out experience to not slip occasionally which can lead to catastrophic results.

 

This is just so far from what I imagined motherhood would be. :sad:

 

Wendy

((((Wendy)))))))

 

You need some respite care. No one could do that day in and day out without becoming down.

[Peaceful Isle]

I didn't really enjoy my kids till they got older. Honestly, it was survival mode.

 

Please don't let guilt creep in. You are doing the best you can right now. My only advice would be to try to find some alone time for yourself. Maybe your husband could give you one evening a week, and part of a Saturday. You could get out and about, sit in a coffeee shop alone :) whatever, but you need time to breath a little.

 

Hugs to you during this time. Someday it will get better.

[OneStepAtATime]

Honey, you need relief. I know that at least with your older one he has diagnosed issues that are not going to go away (sorry, I don't know as much about your other kids). You face impossible tasks every day even with just your oldest and you are in danger of destroying your physical and mental health. You need relief. In home help or outside the home day facilities or whatever you can find. Please do not keep trying to put all of this on your own shoulders. It could end up destroying you. Huge hugs hon. I'm so sorry.

[Jaybee]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: Wendy, whenever I read your posts, I am in awe at all you do to make your lives function. I'm sorry it is so hard. But you are human, with so very much on your plate. To have to have everything on such a short rein for things to function and children to be safe has to be exhausting. It is no wonder that you do not have the reserves for warm fuzzy feelings. You are a good momma.

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  Wendy  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Hang in there. It does sound like a burnout might be a possibility.  It might be worth it to see if Peter's diagnosis would qualify him for any home aid services that could be helpful to you.  I know it's probably a long shot.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Pawz4me]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

[ktgrok]

Also, do you find yourself enjoying other things, or is life in general a slog right now, with no real happiness or joy? If so can you see your family physician without a ton of money being spent? You may be depressed (it doesn't have to look like sad/miserable...it can be dull, lack of happiness, not finding joy in things that used to bring you joy, etc.). A regular family doctor can prescribe antidepressants and usually insurance will fully cover that, versus therapy. 

[wendyroo]

I didn't really enjoy my kids till they got older. Honestly, it was survival mode.

 

Please don't let guilt creep in. You are doing the best you can right now. My only advice would be to try to find some alone time for yourself. Maybe your husband could give you one evening a week, and part of a Saturday. You could get out and about, sit in a coffeee shop alone :) whatever, but you need time to breath a little.

 

Hugs to you during this time. Someday it will get better.

 

The last time I went shopping by myself, and my husband took care of all the kids, he took the 3 year old to the bathroom and left the other three unsupervised.  He came back a few minutes later to find the 5 year old had opened the locked second story window and was trying to heft the baby out.  The 7 year old was sitting nearby, chewing on a battery while reading in his own world, completely oblivious to anything that was going on...probably even unaware that he was chewing on anything or how the battery came to be in his hand (DH had set it down after taking it out of the remote control).

 

My husband tries to help.  He tries to implement the strict safety procedures, but he gets overwhelmed by it all and starts making unsafe choices.  He is incredibly dedicated and hard-working, but multi-tasking and staying on top of things are not his forte.

 

He does try to entertain all the kids for a few hours each weekend, but that is with the understanding that I will still be nearby as a support person to step in if required or take a particularly tantrumy child off his hands if he feels himself losing his cool...he is not as inured to the screaming and tantrums as I have, by necessity, become over the years...he still takes it personally.

 

Wendy

[maize]

Things have been emotionally less draining for me as my children have gotten older-- the days of all littles were very hard.

 

With the special needs of your oldest in particular I really do think you would benefit from some respite. A friend of mine whose oldest is a boy on the autism spectrum found that the best option for the whole family was for that child to attend public school. At school he had several adults and lots of extra help to get him through the day, and she was able to run her home and homeschool her other children without the constant drain of dealing with him and his challenges.

 

Have you considered school for your oldest?

Edited October 17, 2016 by maize

[ktgrok]

Could he take just the two hard ones? And you have the two easy ones, for a few hours a week? That might allow him to keep track of them, and you'd find it a bit of a break at least. 

[bolt.]

I want you to know that where you are at *right now* -- EXACTLY as you have described it -- is a phenomenal accomplishment. Thousands of parents secretly want to know how you have managed it, because many people in your circumstances don't feel resigned and stoic... They feel like they are drowning. You have walked through the wall of panic and have, literally, as per your list, solved all the problems that daily sink many into despair.

 

I didn't want to write that quite that way, because it uses that unflattering method of building you up by emphasizing other's (unfortunately) lesser responses to similar challenges. I'm sorry if I've put down other readers. But I really just want you to know, Wendy, that you are exceptional, that you are doing exceptionally well.

 

Even though you may well be hoping and setting your sights higher -- do yourself the basic courtesy of aknowkedging the facts: what you have done so far, you have done very well. Standing where you are is a major victory.

 

It's also an excellent "base camp" (let's pretend we are climbing Everest, ok, I know it's a cliche, sorry). You can do a few things at a base camp: 1. Rest! It was hard to get here, and it's s fine place to be. If you want to live here for a while: do it! As you rest, the kids get older too, and the future becomes easier. 2. Plan: if there are things in your home-and-family management system that you want to improve, that's fine too. Regain your energy and meanwhile choose a strategy to try to reduce the most striking elements that are bothering you. Plan one thing at a time. Give every change you want to make enough time to settle in to the system before you make another one. Expect trial-and-error. 3. Return: you know this (what you are doing now) works, and will probably continue to work. It's always here as a 'safe day' that you can run with an expected-and-manageable level of effort. Base camp will not abandon you.

 

Don't be ashamed. Kids are work (some more than others) and most parents feel this way in their difficult days. It's ok to 'just keep swimming' -- in fact, it's fantastic. (Hugs!)

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:

 

it's pretty normal - sometimes you (3rd person) like your kids more than other times.   love and like are two different things, and it's easy to forget that.  

 

and . . . each kid is different, and it's pretty normal to "like" one more than another, because  . . personality.  (as long as we meet their needs and not shortchanging one to give more to a favorite. no playing favorites.)

 

are you getting some respite from your older two?  it really does take a toll.  getting a break can feed/nurture you, so you can do what you need to do for them.

 

I had to have time for myself when dudeling was younger.  I would have gone insane if I didn't. 

 

 

eta: and that's neurotypical kids!  (dudeling's not nt.)

Edited October 17, 2016 by gardenmom5

[PeterPan]

The level of problems you're talking about didn't resolve in our house till we brought in ABA.

 

Do you have insurance to pay for ABA?  

 

Also we were eligible for a small amount of funding from the county board of developmental disabilities.  It can be used to pay for respite care, therapies (including alternative), etc.  

 

But mainly ABA.  When we brought in ABA, my stress went down.

[wendyroo]

Also, do you find yourself enjoying other things, or is life in general a slog right now, with no real happiness or joy? If so can you see your family physician without a ton of money being spent? You may be depressed (it doesn't have to look like sad/miserable...it can be dull, lack of happiness, not finding joy in things that used to bring you joy, etc.). A regular family doctor can prescribe antidepressants and usually insurance will fully cover that, versus therapy. 

 

I discussed that with my GP a couple months ago, but in the end we decided it was very high levels of stress, not depression.  I'm sleeping pretty well and delighting in the simple pleasures of parenting a fairly easy baby.  I'm enjoying the change of season and looking forward to the holidays.  I feel grateful for small pleasures like a few minutes to myself sitting on the front porch or DH and I ordering a pizza and watching a movie after the kids are in bed.

 

I am sad, about the way things have turned out, about lost dreams and missed opportunities, but I don't think I'm depressed.

 

Wendy

[gardenmom5]

I want you to know that where you are at *right now* -- EXACTLY as you have described it -- is a phenomenal accomplishment. Thousands of parents secretly want to know how you have managed it, because many people in your circumstances don't feel resigned and stoic... They feel like they are drowning. You have walked through the wall of panic and have, literally, as per your list, solved all the problems that daily sink many into despair.

 

I didn't want to write that quite that way, because it uses that unflattering method of building you up by emphasizing other's (unfortunately) lesser responses to similar challenges. I'm sorry if I've put down other readers. But I really just want you to know, Wendy, that you are exceptional, that you are doing exceptionally well.

 

Even though you may well be hoping and setting your sights higher -- do yourself the basic courtesy of aknowkedging the facts: what you have done so far, you have done very well. Standing where you are is a major victory.

 

It's also an excellent "base camp" (let's pretend we are climbing Everest, ok, I know it's a cliche, sorry). You can do a few things at a base camp: 1. Rest! It was hard to get here, and it's s fine place to be. If you want to live here for a while: do it! As you rest, the kids get older too, and the future becomes easier. 2. Plan: if there are things in your home-and-family management system that you want to improve, that's fine too. Regain your energy and meanwhile choose a strategy to try to reduce the most striking elements that are bothering you. Plan one thing at a time. Give every change you want to make enough time to settle in to the system before you make another one. Expect trial-and-error. 3. Return: you know this (what you are doing now) works, and will probably continue to work. It's always here as a 'safe day' that you can run with an expected-and-manageable level of effort. Base camp will not abandon you.

 

Don't be ashamed. Kids are work (some more than others) and most parents feel this way in their difficult days. It's ok to 'just keep swimming' -- in fact, it's fantastic. (Hugs!)

 

 

you know. . . I'd been on the fence about sharing . . .

my friend has a profoundly brain damaged child, and he also has multiple physical handicaps. . . she helped a friend of hers with her adhd son for a week.  afterwards - she said she'd take her own child because he was easier . . . (he is immobile, among other things.  where she put him was where he stayed.)

 

sometimes . .. . we do need to hear that.  I did need to hear she thought dudeling was a challenge, because she knows what a challenging child is.

 

[Farrar]

I enjoy my kids a lot more as they get older (they are 11 and nearly 15).  When they were that little they were mostly, being blunt, a chore.  I had moments I enjoyed (seeing them be cute in a play, going through milestones, etc.), but a lot of it was cleaning up after them, feeding them, carting them around, etc.  Every time I had to go somewhere it was like having someone tell me to go while wearing a 1000 pound backpack that made a lot of weird loud noises.  It was just work and overwhelming and not fun at all most of the time.  I guess I was never one of these natural mothers who was comfortable bringing an infant (or young child) anywhere anytime and managing it without wanting to tear my hair out.

 

Neither of my kids have any major challenges.  So you have extra challenges.  Minus one of mine with colic.  The colic was so bad I basically could not leave the house until it got better.  Who would have put up with a screaming infant? 

 

So I think you are probably more normal than you think. 

 

Big hugs... :grouphug:

 

I hit like on a lot of the posts talking about what a great job you're doing, Wendy, and what a good mentality you've got about it in many ways and how important it is to find yourself some respite care.

 

But I really wanted to emphasize and agree with what Sparkly said above. Your kids are still really young. I think a lot of people idealize the early years. We have this image of parenting the young ones as being "wondertime" and the most special time and so forth. But for many parents, the special times are later... they're the tween or the teen or the young adult years, when the kids are old enough to be interesting in their own right, to have developed opinions and interests and accomplishments, not to mention some self-control and respect for others around them. And having kids who aren't NT means your delay in getting there might be longer. But I still think keeping that in mind is a helpful mentality. You don't have to like them now, but it's not a permanent state of things. Everyone's kids are their masterpieces... but you're listening to the greatest band ever's garage years. Or reading Shakespeare's kindergarten scribblings. They'll release the grammy worthy album, the beautiful works of literature down the road. 

[Guest]

Wendy,

 

By all accounts I've seen here, you bring a remarkable level of calm and caring to the table in parenting your special kids (and the other kids). It will be a while before you're a ways past the storm. Even with neurotypical kids, this is not an easy phase of life you're in.

 

I have always enjoyed my kids much more when they got older.

[Guest]

The early years suck and can feel like they drag on forever. I secretly cringe every time a mom tells me how brief they are, because it's really not helpful at the moment to hear I should be enjoying them more than I do! I totally get the resigned zookeeper feeling and my kids are neurotypical! It's busy and overwhelming and we have good, bad, and awful days here too - I just try to aim for more good and less awful, but it depends on so many factors.

 

Are you sleeping enough? Can you hire some respite care or use a day program or school a few days a week or for the oldest kiddo? If your husband is incapable of helping sufficiently to alleviate some of the strain then there is no shame in trying to find another way to get that break.

 

I do have times when I enjoy my kids, even at this young and intense age, but it's mostly work and effort without a lot of payoff. That's pretty typical and something many moms don't talk about frankly for fear of hearing they're awful unloving mothers who shouldn't have had ________ number of kids to begin with, but it's true. For me I have to work on finding joy *in* the hard, and that's a work in progress!

[TranquilMind]

Please don't be so hard on yourself.  You have four kids under the age of 7.  That is really, really hard!    I think moms with fewer kids have days where they just go through the motions and kind of feel like they hate everybody.  Then other days, the love they feel comes back. 

 

Everybody has bad days. 

 

You need a break from the kids.  Hope you are able to get one. 

[TranquilMind]

The early years suck and can feel like they drag on forever. I secretly cringe every time a mom tells me how brief they are, because it's really not helpful at the moment to hear I should be enjoying them more than I do! I totally get the resigned zookeeper feeling and my kids are neurotypical! It's busy and overwhelming and we have good, bad, and awful days here too - I just try to aim for more good and less awful, but it depends on so many factors.

 

Are you sleeping enough? Can you hire some respite care or use a day program or school a few days a week or for the oldest kiddo? If your husband is incapable of helping sufficiently to alleviate some of the strain then there is no shame in trying to find another way to get that break.

 

I do have times when I enjoy my kids, even at this young and intense age, but it's mostly work and effort without a lot of payoff. That's pretty typical and something many moms don't talk about frankly for fear of hearing they're awful unloving mothers who shouldn't have had ________ number of kids to begin with, but it's true. For me I have to work on finding joy *in* the hard, and that's a work in progress!

I had to laugh when I read the bolded.  Yes!  We all feel like this. 

 

We can't believe how hard it is when they are little and we just can't take it anymore, and then when they are grown, we realize how brief it really was! 

Everybody has a bad day or a few bad days.  It's ok and the kids still love you.  If you are feeding them and caring for them and doing your best, that's all you can do sometimes. 

[MedicMom]

I have three--6, 4 and 18 months. DS6 is much like you described--high functioning ASD, fights tooth and nail every step of the way, is often violent towards me and other kids. I can't leave him with babysitters. We qualified for some respite care through the state,but the group our county uses is terribly disorganized, and the three times I had respite scheduled they never showed up. We now don't qualify for any services at all. What did I wind up doing?

 

I sent him to school. Best decision I ever made. I was homeschooled, I wanted to homeschool, but in the end I have to raise the children I have, not the children I had thought I would have.

 

::hugs:: I get it.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Wendy,

 

By all accounts I've seen here, you bring a remarkable level of calm and caring to the table in parenting your special kids (and the other kids). It will be a while before you're a ways past the storm. Even with neurotypical kids, this is not an easy phase of life you're in.

 

I have always enjoyed my kids much more when they got older.

 

I second this.  I don't know you personally Wendy, but your posts always make me think you are an extremely attentive parent.  I have no doubt that you are very hard on yourself and demand a lot of yourself.  That's a lot of pressure. 

[Peaceful Isle]

Wow, you are a strong woman,.

Another thought, is there any classes you could sign the older two kids up for? Maybe a sport or art class or anything. I know rec centers have activities really cheap.

I know it's money, but it's also your sanity. â¤ï¸

I do understand the husband thing. My dh used to be that way when my kids were 2,4 and 6. He has gotten so much better about watching and safety. Maybe it will just take time. Some guys just aren't wired that way at first. They need to be trained. Lol

[MedicMom]

Wow, you are a strong woman,.

Another thought, is there any classes you could sign the older two kids up for? Maybe a sport or art class or anything. I know rec centers have activities really cheap.

I know it's money, but it's also your sanity. â¤ï¸

I do understand the husband thing. My dh used to be that way when my kids were 2,4 and 6. He has gotten so much better about watching and safety. Maybe it will just take time. Some guys just aren't wired that way at first. They need to be trained. Lol

If they are anything like mine, they can't be in outside classes due to their behaviors. Anything I put DS6 in, I have to stay right with him. Since I also work full time and have two other kids, I just really don't have time for that. So DS6 doesn't do much except school.

[luuknam]

Wrt liking the kids more, starting doing one-on-one night has been helpful for that for us, where it's one parent with one kid, doing something enjoyable. I don't know which of your kids that might work with or not at this point in time.

[Ailaena]

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I just want to tell you how much I admire you for your honesty.

[Valley Girl]

First, Wendy, you are absolutely amazing to have created the home environment you describe in the face of such major challenges.

 

Everybody tells you (general you) not to take the behavior personally. And it's not personal. The problem is that it FEELS damn personal to have your beloved child screaming terrible things at you, kicking you, etc. Even when it's not the child's fault and you logically know that. It hurts to mourn the loss of dreams and plans.

 

I think detaching a bit emotionally is sometimes an act of simple self-preservation that enables a parent to continue doing the necessary (and loving) things special needs kids require. It doesn't mean you don't love them with every fiber of your being or that you aren't a good mom.

 

It sounds to me that you have no real break from the responsibility, though. That's going to wear anybody down after awhile. If there's no one who can help you with some kind of respite care (and it sounds as though your DH really tries), is it worth reconsidering sending the two oldest to school for YOUR health? Some little bit of time to maybe recapture one or two of those lost dreams? Obviously I don't know what the schools are like where you live or how much better the kids do at home vs. traditional school with accommodations. But it sounds like you could really use some assistance with the never-ending demands and vigilance required. Eventually, the well just runs dry.

 

I'm speaking as the parent of an intense special needs kid. Just so you know I have a little real-life experience with the subject.

 

 

[ktgrok]

And honestly, my child is not quite as difficult as yours, but yes, there are LOTS of times I don't like him. Sometimes I can't stand him. But then there are these flashes where I do. And they happen more often as he ages. He's 17 now and I have a feeling he and I will like each other a lot some day. not yet. 

[Crimson Wife]

 

With the special needs of your oldest in particular I really do think you would benefit from some respite. A friend of mine whose oldest is a boy on the autism spectrum found that the best option for the whole family was for that child to attend public school. At school he had several adults and lots of extra help to get him through the day, and she was able to run her home and homeschool her other children without the constant drain of dealing with him and his challenges.

 

Have you considered school for your oldest?

 

Yes, this x1000. I felt guilty at first when I put my SN child in Early Intervention preschool at age 2 1/4. However, she has done well in the classroom and it enabled me to continue HSing my older kids and have a break from dealing with her challenges 24/7.

 

[scholastica]

Agreeing with everyone that you need respite care. It's also okay to grieve the dream in light of the reality. It doesn't sound like you don't like your kids, it sounds like the reality is sinking in and you really have to let go of the dream and grieve it. Your reality is really hard and it's not fair. It's okay to feel that. It doesn't mean that you don't like your kids, although I understand the feeling of the wall between you.

 

Please see about getting some respite care, and possibly enrolling the older ones in a safe school.

[EmseB]

I think, personally, it's okay not to like people who treat us poorly, even if it is our own family.

 

You have figured out a way to love them and look out for their very best interests.  The love is important.

 

I think that even if your DH cannot be in charge of them on his own, he should be your staunch advocate for getting some help.  I agree with a PP who said that school, or perhaps leaning on the school district for more aides or help should be on the table at this point.

[NikiSC]

You are an inspiration to many.

It's okay to change course, seek outside help, and grieve.

Sending many hugs to you!

[mommyoffive]

Sending a million hugs.  I think all moms struggle with liking their kids all the time.  I think that is normal.

 

 

Would putting the kids in school be better?  For you?  For the family?

 

Can you do any respite care so you can get a break?

 

Can the kids get into any sports or something so you have some down time?  I spend a pretty penny on putting the kids in stuff, because of this. 

 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

Maybe watching the kids is a 2 person job while you're away taking a break?

[wendyroo]

Thank you, everyone.  I think today was just a culmination of a a hard, perfect-storm of a week.  

 

We celebrated the baby's first birthday which drove home to me how much of her babyhood I have missed while simply trying to keep her safe from her siblings.

 

My parents visited for the birthday and gushed on and on about how delightful little kids are...just innocent little angels spreading affection and goodwill.

 

My in-laws also came for the party and said they didn't know how we could stand to live here with the kids constantly screaming and that they would have smacked them upside the head long ago.

 

Lastly, we took the kids to a fall festival, and by our standards it was a rousing success, but it was hard not to compare ourselves to all the other families there that seemed so carefree, so peaceful, so happy.

 

To answer a question that came up a few times,

DH and I have considered so often putting one or more of the kids in school, but we have never reached a point that we thought it was the best choice.  My 5 year old has life-threatening food allergies, so it would simply not be safe for him to be in a school setting - otherwise he is the first that we would ship off to the public school...we have honestly looked into if there were boarding schools for kindergartners because he is such a difficult child (he has a preliminary diagnosis of ODD). 

 

Putting my 3 year old in preschool would be simple, but I dread having to load everybody into the car twice a day.  Getting out of the house is stressful enough.  Add to that having to leave at a certain time and knowing that if I can't "convince" the 5 year old to stay buckled in the car then I have to choose between driving unsafely or leaving the 3 year old stranded at school wondering why I'm not coming to get him when all the other moms have come and gone...I can't afford to put myself in that position.

 

It probably does make sense on some level to put my oldest in school, but he really, really doesn't want to go and I understand why.  We tried putting him in preschool and it was a disaster.  He does short days camps every summer and even being with the other kids for a couple hours is more than he can tolerate.  He currently is in two gym classes a week and he struggles every minute trying to figure out what he is supposed to be doing, how to over come his anxiety, how to relate to the other kids, etc.  He is so incredibly gifted, and I would feel horrible putting him in a school setting where he felt overwhelmed mentally, alone or even bullied emotionally and unchallenged academically.  Right now our school time at home is a very positive experience for him and he gets to retreat and recharge during the rest of the day with hours of reading and playing legos.  We're not ready to take that from him.

 

Thank you again for all your support.

Wendy

[Anne]

I like the idea of finding two people to watch your kids - maybe get your dh an assistant?  I think getting some kind of regular re-charging time would help tremendously.

 

Add me to the list of those who respect and admire the incredibly difficult job you are doing!!!

 

Anne

[mommyoffive]

Well that was awful of your inlaws to say. 

 

 

Can you get any respite care at all? 

[maize]

Brainstorming ideas:

 

If preschool would be good for the three year old, could you pay someone to drive him?

 

How about a mother's helper at home. There are several possibilities depending on what would be most helpful to you: cleaning, prepping dinner, playing with the littles?

 

I know funds get stretched in a large family, but bringing in some outside help has been a real sanity saver for me. I have kids with a multitude of diagnoses including ADHD, ODD, and anxiety, and the potential for others (possible autism spectrum) still out there. I have a husband with chronic mental health struggles. There is No Way for me to do everything that needs doing. I do have one in public school and one in preschool this year, and I have household cleaning help twice a week. I'm pulling money out of my personal Roth IRA to make it happen--that won't last forever, but I need help now.

Edited October 17, 2016 by maize

[maize]

Oh, and many, many hugs. From the posts I've read from you over the years I know for a fact that you are doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances.

[Ali in OR]

I'll echo one more time that respite care can make a world of difference. In our state, I believe that autism would qualify your oldest for services from Developmental Disabilities in the county health department. There are also state programs (my dd was in one for medically-invloved kids, but I think there is one for more behavioral issues rather than medical issues) that can provide a huge amount of help. I think I was getting 4 hours of respite care a month from the county when dd got into the state program that provided way more hours than we could use. They also have lists of potential providers but you have to screen them and technically they work for you, not the state. We have a lot of aides in our life skills classrooms i the public schools who know this type of kid well and like to pick up extra pay by providing respite care. They get paid around $15 an hour by the state.

[Innisfree]

Wendy, I am in awe of what you are managing to do. Your reasons for not putting any of the kids in school make perfect sense. All I can say, then, is that I hope you can find some real help and respite.

 

We went through years of similar difficulties with car rides and oppositional behavior. It has gotten much, much better with time and some maturity. I hope that happens for you too, though I can remember feeling like that distant hope was no help at all.

 

I wish I could offer more than an internet hug, but I think you are doing a fantastic job.

[wendyroo]

Well that was awful of your inlaws to say. 

 

It was kind of awful, but also really, really true.

 

This house often sounds like a horrible Hollywood portrayal of an insane asylum.  Just constant screaming, wailing, bellowing in anguish and frustration.

 

My parents took my 5 year old for a couple days last month and they said that during some of his hours-long screaming jags they ended up sitting with him outside.  Not because that would stop the screaming, but just because it didn't grate on the nerves quite as much if it wasn't echoing off the walls.

 

My mom said she worried that someone would call the police about all the screaming.  I laughed and laughed because that is no longer anything I worry about.  I have fantasies about the police showing up - "Ma'am, you are not fit to parent this child."  "I agree completely, Officer, here he is, good luck."  Okay, so that isn't exactly how it would happen, but I still dream about how quiet the house would be after they "rescued" him from my care.

 

Wendy

[maize]

It was kind of awful, but also really, really true.

 

This house often sounds like a horrible Hollywood portrayal of an insane asylum. Just constant screaming, wailing, bellowing in anguish and frustration.

 

My parents took my 5 year old for a couple days last month and they said that during some of his hours-long screaming jags they ended up sitting with him outside. Not because that would stop the screaming, but just because it didn't grate on the nerves quite as much if it wasn't echoing off the walls.

 

My mom said she worried that someone would call the police about all the screaming. I laughed and laughed because that is no longer anything I worry about. I have fantasies about the police showing up - "Ma'am, you are not fit to parent this child." "I agree completely, Officer, here he is, good luck." Okay, so that isn't exactly how it would happen, but I still dream about how quiet the house would be after they "rescued" him from my care.

 

Wendy

The screeming really grates on my husband. I'm trying to train him to wear hearing protection gear.

 

I don't react the way he does; my brain is exceptionally good at tuning stuff out I guess.

 

I admit to having fantasized about boarding school for the four year old!

[Mimm]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

It sounds like you are dealing with some incredibly challenging kiddos. Find a way to take care of you, as much as you are able.