I need some encouragement

[Ravin]

I have been at my job for over a year now. I work at a location 4 hours from home. DH is in graduate school, and there is no housing near where I work. The nearest town where housing can be found is a 90 minute each way commute distance from my work site, the job has a regular M-F 8-5 schedule, so I drive up Monday morning, and drive home on Friday evening.

 

This is hard on the kids, even though I spend more actual time with them now than I did when I was in law school, because I was always studying then. They still miss me during the week.

 

I love the work, though, and am not inclined to go job hunting for something else just yet. For one thing, my prospects to do so will be better at the 3 year point, and for another, I really like the position, the work, my coworkers, etc. Everything is great about the job except it taking me so far from my kids.

 

I have written up a memo requesting that my schedule be modified to a compressed workweek, M-Th. I would still put in the same hours/effort and do the same job, but I would have Fridays off, unless I had to attend training or a meeting, etc. 

 

The worst my boss is likely to do is tell me "no." Firing me and hiring someone else would be more trouble than it's worth for her--my position was vacant for over a year before I applied and hiring new people even when someone does apply is a bureaucratic nightmare. But, there is still fear there in the back of my brain, reluctance to put myself out. I'm debating whether to wait and see how my annual eval turns out. I'm not holding my breath for a pay raise.

 

The extra day at home would be good for the kids, good for DH, who will have less running around to do and can focus on his studies, and good for me, because with more time at home I'll not feel as pressured to spend 100% of it with the kids and can spend more time on hobbies and with DH, too.

 

Should I bite the bullet and send the memo?

Edited September 16, 2016 by Ravin

[Lang Syne Boardie]

DO it. My dh is finally home after working out of state for two years. When he was able to change to a compressed week, home life was exponentially better for everyone, including him. If all you risk is a no, just ask. It's amazing how much more smoothly a family can function with just one more day of both parents at home.

[regentrude]

Yes, do it. That is how we make long distance work for our family: work like crazy for four days, take a long weekend. 

[Bluegoat]

I have been at my job for over a year now. I work at a location 4 hours from home. DH is in graduate school, and there is no housing near where I work. The nearest town where housing can be found is a 90 minute each way commute distance from my work site, the job has a regular M-F 8-5 schedule, so I drive up Monday morning, and drive home on Friday evening.

 

This is hard on the kids, even though I spend more actual time with them now than I did when I was in law school, because I was always studying then. They still miss me during the week.

 

I love the work, though, and am not inclined to go job hunting for something else just yet. For one thing, my prospects to do so will be better at the 3 year point, and for another, I really like the position, the work, my coworkers, etc. Everything is great about the job except it taking me so far from my kids.

 

I have written up a memo requesting that my schedule be modified to a compressed workweek, M-Th. I would still put in the same hours/effort and do the same job, but I would have Fridays off, unless I had to attend training or a meeting, etc. 

 

The worst my boss is likely to do is tell me "no." Firing me and hiring someone else would be more trouble than it's worth for her--my position was vacant for over a year before I applied and hiring new people even when someone does apply is a bureaucratic nightmare. But, there is still fear there in the back of my brain, reluctance to put myself out. I'm debating whether to wait and see how my annual eval turns out. I'm not holding my breath for a pay raise.

 

The extra day at home would be good for the kids, good for DH, who will have less running around to do and can focus on his studies, and good for me, because with more time at home I'll not feel as pressured to spend 100% of it with the kids and can spend more time on hobbies and with DH, too.

 

Should I bite the bullet and send the memo?

 

I can't see any downside.  If your boss is a reasonable person, and it sounds like you think she is, she will not object to discussing this with you - even if she says no, it's not at all unreasonable to explore ideas like that.  She might have a different idea as well.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Absolutely do it.  Best of luck.  I hope she says yes. 

 

 

[Miss Mousie]

Also consider asking your boss about telecommuting.  As long as you have a computer w/internet access, a printer, and a cell phone, you can work pretty much anywhere (for better or worse).  Even one day a week of working from home can go a long way toward easing the burdens on your family.

 

 

[jewellsmommy]

If you have already worked a year, how close to the eval are you? If it is going to be in the next week or two or three, then I would be inclined to wait and see what they say. Then I would make the request.

 

Is there a situation where you could quietly inquire first about the possibility? Such as asking a higher-up if this type of modification has ever been offered or granted before.

 

ETA: I would choose wording that leaves open the possibility of other solutions such as telecommuting a certain number of hours or they may have a different situation to suggest. I think employers are more motivated when a request comes across as "here is my concern, here is where I need help. I think this may solve it, but I am open to other options. WHat do you think?" Sort of like an invitation for brainstorming solutions. 

Edited September 16, 2016 by jewellsmommy

[sassenach]

It's an increasingly common request. I know a lot of people who telecommute 1-2 days a week and don't have even close to that commute.

 

You can propose a trial period.

I have been at my job for over a year now.

 

 I'm debating whether to wait and see how my annual eval turns out. I'm not holding my breath for a pay raise.

 

When is your annual evaluation?  What form does it take -- is it just a written report, or is there a discussion with your supervisor?  If the latter, and it is coming up soon, I'd hold off on the memo, and bring it up in this discussion.  This way, it comes after lots of talk about all the good things you've done, and if your boss maybe feels a bit guilty about not being able to give you a raise, she can feel good about giving you something you do want, and everyone is happy all around, and it doesn't feel like a negotiation with her giving in on this.

Edited September 16, 2016 by GGardner

[Pen]

How long away is the annual evaluation?

[madteaparty]

I'm going to PM you

[SparklyUnicorn]

I do understand your worry.  It sounds to me like you have some leverage here though.  It must be hard to find someone willing to work in a place that is so out in the middle of nowhere. 

[maize]

How long away is the annual evaluation?

This is what I want to know.

 

If it's a month or two until the eval, I'd wait.

 

If it's six months I'd go ahead and ask now.

[maize]

They're certainly not going to fire you for asking!

[Reefgazer]

I doubt you'll be fired for asking, even if it were a more hard-core environment, so I'd ask.  Just be mindful that asking may put you on a slower track for advancement, and if that risk is OK to you, go for it.

[Ravin]

The annual eval is whenever my boss gets around to it. It should have been done last month, but she's been busy wrangling with budget stuff and hasn't gotten to it.

[prairiewindmomma]

I'd wait for your eval and then ask for either compressed schedule or telecommute unless there is a specific need such as training for you to be in the office.

 

At the two year point, the window for employment elsewhere begins to crack open, at the 3-5 year point it is even wider.

[Ravin]

Well, telecommute would not be able to be more than 2 days/week, because we have hearings in court on Tu/Wed/Th. Also, I would rather not deal with the drive on Tuesday mornings more than I already do, because it's better to be awake and alert in court rather than exhausted from getting up early and driving. I may alter the memo to suggest that as an alternative, or I may discuss it witht he boss over the phone before sending in the memo and change the memo to whatever the boss thinks would work best if she will go for it.

[ashfern]

I did this at my last job (before kids). You could always ask for a trial period of 1-2 months and then meet with boss after the trial period to discuss if it's working for all parties.

[Anne in CA]

I say what harm is there in trying? Particularly since you think they won't let you go for asking.

[Pen]

Well, telecommute would not be able to be more than 2 days/week, because we have hearings in court on Tu/Wed/Th. Also, I would rather not deal with the drive on Tuesday mornings more than I already do, because it's better to be awake and alert in court rather than exhausted from getting up early and driving. I may alter the memo to suggest that as an alternative, or I may discuss it witht he boss over the phone before sending in the memo and change the memo to whatever the boss thinks would work best if she will go for it.

 

 

I think the 4 day week might be not only good for you, but maybe also good for "clients" who would then perhaps be able to meet with you early or late on the days you were there, perhaps meaning they would not need to miss work or other obligations to meet during regular office hours.

 

I don't know exactly what you are doing, so don't know if this is relevant, but at least in some legal work where there is court, extended hours on some days could be a great boon to the served population.

 

Could you perhaps drive in relatively late on Mondays so as to have the morning with your kids? Then have late office hours on Monday PM and be able to sleep there to be ready for Tuesday court? Extended office hours on Tuesday and Wednesday after court and then drive home after court on Thursdays--with maybe some telecommute on Fridays if necessary?

 

Since the date of review seems to be uncertain, and since you think getting fired is unlikely, I'd go ahead and broach the subject with your boss now, perhaps suggesting a trial run of the arrangement.

[J-rap]

I would do it.  Best of luck to you!

[Rachel]

It doesn't hurt to ask. I feel like flexibility in schedule is becoming more and more common.

 

Are you currently commuting 90 minutes each direction daily? Then also driving 4 hours on Monday mornings and Friday nights? That's a lot of driving! Are you able to maintain this long term or are you just trying to keep it up until your husband finishes graduate school?

[Guest]

Look at these exclamation marks:

 

Yes! It won't happen if you don't ask!

 

 

You totally already know what to do!

[elegantlion]

Yes, ask, but since you are so close to evaluation and your boss is putting it off already, I'd wait until then. I think it'd better to ask when a boss is not already distracted by a project that is putting off normal tasks. 

[kewb]

I would wait until the eval to ask.  This way you can make any ammendments to the proposal based on feedback received at the eval.  It shows your boss you were listening to what they had to say and incorporated the companies needs into your proposal for a compressed work week.

[wintermom]

I'd ask, but in person not in a memo. I'd also ask about a compressed work week with alternative Fridays off. That seems to be an option that many people do in our area. Not as good as every Friday for you, but would probably look better to your employer. 

 

I don't quite understand the paragraph about needing the extra day at home so you could do personal hobbies, though. Sounds like something you can do while away from dh and dc. That sounds selfish to me, and probably would to your family, too.

[Ravin]

I doubt you'll be fired for asking, even if it were a more hard-core environment, so I'd ask.  Just be mindful that asking may put you on a slower track for advancement, and if that risk is OK to you, go for it.

 

It is a small public defender's office. There is no track for advancement to speak of. The only higher position is Director, and frankly I wouldn't want her job for love or money (too much political wrangling, too many headaches)! There is a pay range scale within which I could get a raise at some point, however.

[Ravin]

I'd ask, but in person not in a memo. I'd also ask about a compressed work week with alternative Fridays off. That seems to be an option that many people do in our area. Not as good as every Friday for you, but would probably look better to your employer. 

 

I don't quite understand the paragraph about needing the extra day at home so you could do personal hobbies, though. Sounds like something you can do while away from dh and dc. That sounds selfish to me, and probably would to your family, too.

 

My worksite is remote. It is nowhere near where my friends or organized hobby-related activities are. I can't spend time with friends or go to SCA events on work nights. Much of my hobby I include the kids, but they aren't always interested and I'm not going to force them to participate, and sometimes I like to do things that are adult-only activities.

[wintermom]

My worksite is remote. It is nowhere near where my friends or organized hobby-related activities are. I can't spend time with friends or go to SCA events on work nights. Much of my hobby I include the kids, but they aren't always interested and I'm not going to force them to participate, and sometimes I like to do things that are adult-only activities.

 

I guess on a range of priorities for your time while physically at home, were it me I would place my dh and dc ahead of personal hobbies. You are free to do what you like.  You could potentially find hobbies and new friends at your remote location. Your family can only see you while you are at home in the flesh.

Edited September 17, 2016 by wintermom

[heartlikealion]

Oh my goodness, how are you functioning? I mean I drove 3-4 hrs to visit family a couple of times and that was pretty crappy lol. I can't imagine doing that on a regular basis. Seriously, how do you get adequate rest? You must leave around 4am to get to work by 8. And then on Friday night I would just crash! If you are really able to do this I can totally see how having an extra day off would help. If it was me I would have to drive Sun. evening, not Monday mornings.

 

I like the alternative idea of asking for every other Friday off, but I don't know if I would shoot for that as the goal or trial run. Definitely an idea worth mentioning, though. I know people that do/have done that schedule.

 

Do your kids have hobbies? Are you involved with theirs? Maybe set yours aside (or change how often you are involved) to focus on something that interests them. Not sure if this is applicable. Just thinking about the limited time you have with them. I would be very upset with my dh if he was gone 5 days a week and came home and then "ran off" to engage in some hobby/see friends.

[AK_Mom4]

Definitely ask now - don't wait for the annual eval.  IMO I would prefer discussing those things outside of the stress  of having to do someone's eval as well.

 

I would suggest a trial period.  Set up an official meeting up front with them after 4 weeks and 8 weeks specifically to talk about whether the schedules is working for well for everyone.  

 

I suspect that if you can be available for questions via phone on Friday in case of a real crisis, then changing to a 4-10 schedule due to your commute is going to not be an issue.

[Alicia64]

I'd ask now.

 

Alley

[Ravin]

Well, the memo is written. I spelled out the schedule, which is not 4-10's because I couldn't handle the commute on top of that. Instead it's a 9.5, 2 /10.5's, and a 9.5 on a regular work week, 10, 11.5, and 9.5 on a week with a Monday holiday, and regular work hours on Thanksgiving week and any week with a Friday holiday observance. I'm putting the memo in the mail today.

[Pegasus]

I really think something like this should be discussed first in person and then followed up with a written proposal/memo. Since it went in the mail today, I'd be sure to discuss it at work tomorrow.  I don't think getting a piece of paper should be the first they hear of the request.  Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

[Ravin]

I really think something like this should be discussed first in person and then followed up with a written proposal/memo. Since it went in the mail today, I'd be sure to discuss it at work tomorrow.  I don't think getting a piece of paper should be the first they hear of the request.  Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

 

My boss's office is a 3 hour drive from my office. She will no doubt call me when she gets the memo, and we will discuss it. If I call her, I put her on the spot. By sending paper, she can deal with it at a time that works well in her schedule and have time to think it over and consider it. My coworker, who has worked for her for 11 years, agrees this is the best way to do it since the are no upcoming opportunities for a face to face.

[wintermom]

My boss's office is a 3 hour drive from my office. She will no doubt call me when she gets the memo, and we will discuss it. If I call her, I put her on the spot. By sending paper, she can deal with it at a time that works well in her schedule and have time to think it over and consider it. My coworker, who has worked for her for 11 years, agrees this is the best way to do it since the are no upcoming opportunities for a face to face.

 

I don't quite understand how a phone call would be putting her on the spot any more that talking in person? At least with a phone call, she can hide her facial expression. You can communicate a lot more by speaking to her than in a memo. 

[OneStepAtATime]

I don't quite understand how a phone call would be putting her on the spot any more that talking in person? At least with a phone call, she can hide her facial expression. You can communicate a lot more by speaking to her than in a memo.

Actually I think the point was that a memo/email would give the boss the chance to read and mull it over when it is convenient for her before talking directly with Ravin as opposed to springing it on her with a phone call when she is super busy and even normal duties are being pushed to the side.

 

An in person meeting would also be impractical because of the distance but would also possibly catch her off guard and create a problem with the boss's very busy schedule.

 

And since a long term employee also agreed the email was the better way to go, along with the other considerations Ravin was contemplating I agree that the email seems like the best course of action in this situation.

[OneStepAtATime]

I'd ask, but in person not in a memo. I'd also ask about a compressed work week with alternative Fridays off. That seems to be an option that many people do in our area. Not as good as every Friday for you, but would probably look better to your employer. 

 

I don't quite understand the paragraph about needing the extra day at home so you could do personal hobbies, though. Sounds like something you can do while away from dh and dc. That sounds selfish to me, and probably would to your family, too.

 

 

I guess on a range of priorities for your time while physically at home, were it me I would place my dh and dc ahead of personal hobbies. You are free to do what you like.  You could potentially find hobbies and new friends at your remote location. Your family can only see you while you are at home in the flesh.

 

Actually, Ravin spends MORE time with the family now than was even possible before this job came along.  Although the separation is hard on them, there is more family time now than there was before.  Ravin, with this potential new schedule, would then have even more time to spend with family but would also have a chance to continue with certain personal interests that had to go by the wayside recently.  Honestly, I think it is a healthy thing to have something that is not directly tied to everything family, especially if that something is near and dear to one's heart and has been a part of one's life for a long time (such as SCA is to Ravin).  

 

Family is important but I don't expect DH to only have interests/hobbies that we can all participate in nor does he expect that of me or our kids.  My DH travels a ton.  All the time.  When he comes home, yes he spends time with family, but he also loves doing some things that the kids and I have no interest in.  Those things are important to him and he needs them for his own mental health. One hobby in particular he has had since his teens.  I would not expect him to never do things that matter to him just because the kids and I are not interested, nor would I ever force him to drop those interests just to please me.  That seems selfish.

 

I have things I enjoy doing, too, that DH has no interest in.  And the kids are at an age where they don't, either.  I would not force my kids or DH to participate in things they have no interest in, nor would they force me to quit things that mattered to me.  Balance is the key word here.  As long as a personal interest is not taking up all of a parent/spouse's time I think those can be healthy things.  My taking a bit of time to personal interests/hobbies that matter to me is not a negative for the family.  It is a positive.  I feel better about me and can be more "with" my family when I also feel supported in my personal interests and hobbies.  Same with the kids.  I want them to pursue things that matter to them, even if DH and I don't choose those things for ourselves.  I will support their interests, even if those are not my interests.   We are individuals.  I find it important to support that individuality even as we also operate as a family.

 

I think Ravin is just trying to find a way to have balance: More time with family AND be able to pursue personal interests that matter.

[Soror]

Good luck to you Ravin, I hope it works out.

 

I have things I enjoy doing, too, that DH has no interest in.  And the kids are at an age where they don't, either.  I would not force my kids or DH to participate in things they have no interest in, nor would they force me to quit things that mattered to me.  Balance is the key word here.  As long as a personal interest is not taking up all of a parent/spouse's time 

AMEN. Motherhood is not martyrdom. It is not healthy to live entirely for our family and have nothing for our own selves, it doesn't make for a very good wife, mom or marriage.

Edited September 22, 2016 by soror

[Ravin]

To give an update, I spoke with my boss on the phone yesterday. She asked me to send her a .pdf of the pertinent pages from the policy manual. Apparently quoting it in the memo wasn't enough. Whatever, I sent it to her. Hopefully she won't mull over it too long.

 

We just put an offer in on a house. The house will be great, except it adds 45 min. to my commute each way each week. I'm not thrilled about that, but there was nothing suitable significantly closer to where I work (home prices get higher the further from the desert heat one goes, it seems).

[Amira]

Thanks for the update. I hope things work out.

[OneStepAtATime]

Thanks for the update Ravin. Hope it all goes well.