Scarlett Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 (edited) Seriously. Who are these women/men who don't want to know. Edited to add.....to be clear I am not asking if you would ant to know so you could promptly divorce the cheater. The question is would you want to know. Edited August 12, 2016 by Scarlett Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I'm not going to be too quick to judge women who don't want to know. Maybe some of them already know. Would I want to know. Twenty years ago, I would have said absolutely, and then promptly found the best divorce lawyer around. Now, after 31 years of marriage, 5 children, I'm not so sure. I guess I would want to know, but I wouldn't be so quick to leave everything I have. If he was willing to stop, get counseling, I'd do everything I could to keep it together. I'm not about to judge other women and how they handle infidelity. Their marriage, their life, their choice. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 I'm not going to be too quick to judge women who don't want to know. Maybe some of them already know. Would I want to know. Twenty years ago, I would have said absolutely, and then promptly found the best divorce lawyer around. Now, after 31 years of marriage, 5 children, I'm not so sure. I guess I would want to know, but I wouldn't be so quick to leave everything I have. If he was willing to stop, get counseling, I'd do everything I could to keep it together. I'm not about to judge other women and how they handle infidelity. Their marriage, their life, their choice. I certainly do not believe every affair needs to lead to divorce. But you would really just not want to know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I really don't know what I would want. I think I'd want it to quietly go away... Which is kind of like not knowing, but only if it was stopping, or if it was over -- then I could recover in ignorance rather than in crisis. If it wasn't stopping, I'd want to know. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I don't know. I didn't vote, because I really don't know. At this stage of my life, I don't think I would be leaving him (60 years old, haven't worked in 19 years, outdated skills) so maybe there would be no point to knowing. I guess knowing I should check for STDs would be good, but... I still just don't know. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhanaBee Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 (edited) Without going into detail of how I know this.... I absolutely would want to know. And if I found out that someone I considered a friend knew about it and was keeping it from me......Or, even worse, encouraging this behaviour because of what s/he thought s/he knew about our marriage. That person would be cut from my life with no questions and no second chances. ETA: Once everyone has all the information, then a decision can be made about the marriage. But to leave one spouse in the dark about a very very crucial part of their lives?? Not cool at all. Especially if that spouse feels that something is wrong, yet doesn't know what it is. Scarlett, you hit it on the head in the other thread when you used the word "Dignity". Each person in a relationship should have the dignity of knowing what's going on; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Edited August 12, 2016 by OhanaBee 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I would want to know. Absolutely. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I would want to know and would be very angry if a friend or coworker of my husband knew and didn't try to tell me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I certainly do not believe every affair needs to lead to divorce. But you would really just not want to know? I said I guess I would want to know. On further thought, I'm not really sure. That's the best answer I can give. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I absolutely would want to know! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 (edited) Totally depends on the situation. Is it an on-going thing or a one-time mistake? If it was a one-time thing, what is the adulterer doing to ensure it won't ever happen again? Is there emotional entanglement or is it purely physical (say with a s*x worker)? It's hard to make a blanket statement when there are so many different potential scenarios. ETA: I've never been in this situation personally AFAIK but I am familiar with situations where people on their deathbed have confessed long-ago affairs and it just wound up hurting the widow/widower and children. That's the kind of confession that should be made to a priest/minister, not the ignorant spouse. Edited August 12, 2016 by Crimson Wife 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I can't imagine it ever happening, but I'd want to know. I'd want to know so we could deal with it, however that ended up happening. That would be a MAJOR deception, and I would not want to have that in my marriage. If it came out, we could deal with it. I'd also want to know because it would be putting me at risk for disease, as well as any potential unborn babies. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I would want to know because I have four kids and an adorable grandboy. I want to be around for a good long time to enjoy them, and won't if I contract Hep C or have a substantially increased risk of ovarian cancer from untreated std's. I tend to get busy and do not always have a pap smear every or bloodwork necessarily. So very vital information. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ananda Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I answered no. I would want my husband to tell me. (Preferably before hand). I don't want anyone else to tell me. I don't know what good it does anyone for them to get involved in my marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I answered no. I would want my husband to tell me. (Preferably before hand). I don't want anyone else to tell me. I don't know what good it does anyone for them to get involved in my marriage. Well, in the case of diseases, it could save your life, or the life of an unborn child. STDs are not just something that happened in the 70s, and several are becoming very resistant to antibiotics and can be difficult to treat. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Hell yes I'd want to know. I mean, it might make me miserable, but the alternative risks my physical health, the health of any babies conceived. we may or may not divorce, but I'd have the right to make that call AFTER knowing that information. And the right to protect myself from disease. As well as emotionally protect myself from someone that isn't trustworthy. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Right now, I would not want to know. At all. And I've been around the block on this one, so I'm not exactly clueless or naive. This is where I am right now, I would not want to know. Would that change at a different stage in my life, possibly. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Well, in the case of diseases, it could save your life, or the life of an unborn child. STDs are not just something that happened in the 70s, and several are becoming very resistant to antibiotics and can be difficult to treat. This. Antibiotic resistent syphillis is getting more common and is one scary little devil! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I voted yes, but if he had an affair years ago, and it was completely over, and wasn't a pattern, and didn't happen again, I don't think I'd want to know. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I voted yes, but if he had an affair years ago, and it was completely over, and wasn't a pattern, and didn't happen again, I don't think I'd want to know. That's the only case I can think of...say if I'm 60,and a friend suddenly learns that my husband cheated on me once, while drunk, 20 years earlier, but never did again and never saw that person again, and had gotten himself tested and was clean, etc etc. But somehow I don't think that is usually the case. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 (edited) I voted yes, I'd want to know. But I think that's no longer true. I think I'd have wanted to know before we were 20 years in with 4 kids. Now, I guess I don't see the point. Possible STD's is not good enough reason. For me. ETA: I changed my vote. Also, not wanting to know doesn't mean I wouldn't be mad if I found out friends knew about it said nothing. I think that's probably irrational, but it is what it is. I'd be really mad that DH hadn't been discrete enough. Edited August 13, 2016 by 8circles 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Absolutely want to know. Yes, it would be marriage ending. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I really don't know what I would want. I think I'd want it to quietly go away... Which is kind of like not knowing, but only if it was stopping, or if it was over -- then I could recover in ignorance rather than in crisis. If it wasn't stopping, I'd want to know. :iagree: If it happened in the past and was not going to happen again or if it had just happened and was OVER then no, I wouldn't want to know. I'm happy right now and I can not manage a divorce, we have to many children relying on us. I would hate it but I would have to stay and that would make everyone miserable (but at least we'd have a home and food). So no, I don't want to know. If it were ongoing and likely to cause DH to leave then you bet I want to know, I would need to find homes for the extra kids (including niece, nephew, my older daughter, plus our 2 kids and myself, 1 dog, 3 cats, and a bird). I'm really lucky though, I've gotten old, cranky, and fat over the years but DH still comes home and tells me how much he loves me, every day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 I voted yes, I'd want to know. But I think that's no longer true. I think I'd have wanted to know before we were 20 years in with 4 kids. Now, I guess I don't see the point. Possible STD's is not good enough reason. For me. ETA: I changed my vote. Also, not wanting to know doesn't mean I wouldn't be mad if I found out friends knew about it said nothing. I think that's probably irrational, but it is what it is. I'd be really mad that DH hadn't been discrete enough. I will say that to me the point is I don't want to be married to a person who is so fundamentally dishonest with me. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnE-girl Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I would want to know. I'm not positive it would be marriage ending, but I would at least want the ability to make the choice with all the information. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I will say that to me the point is I don't want to be married to a person who is so fundamentally dishonest with me. This. I do think its possible to recover from an affair. But if DH had cheated and never told me, I would consider that lying by omission. And that's just dishonest and icky especially if years or decades go by without him telling. I feel very strongly about openness and honesty in marriage and I don't know how one could have a healthy marriage while one partner conceals that kind of secret. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Yes, I would want to know. We have been together for 21 years and have 4 children. Him having sex with someone else would mean I have absolutely no idea who he is and my life is a total sham. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ananda Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I can fathom the possibility of my husband deciding to have an affair. I can imagine him not telling me that he wanted to have an affair, for fear I would object or lose respect for him or something. I can not imagine him getting an STD. He is very cautious and risk adverse. I understand that STDs are a very really concern for people who generally have affairs. But in my own marriage, with my own husband--so not on the radar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I will say that to me the point is I don't want to be married to a person who is so fundamentally dishonest with me. Well, I wouldn't want to either. But I'm assuming that my marriage would be like my marriage is now, in reality, with the addition of DH having an affair that I don't know about. Then I'd probably stay in the marriage to finish raising my kids - because our marriage seems fine & there would be no point in causing trauma of a divorce. But it would be harder to stay & keep my marriage fine if I knew about the affair. I don't know if that makes sense. If we had a bad/unhappy marriage from my POV then I might feel differently. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Too many variables. Is it purely physical or an 'affair of the heart'? Is it private or publicly known and discussed? Would I ever find out about it? I'm one of those who believe that affairs are 100% wrong and who wouldn't support a friend engaging in an affair, so my answer is a little counter-intuitive. But I think what defines loyalty can change over time - right now it's more about the family unit. The reality is that information comes out though, and once it was out I probably would not turn a blind eye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I honestly don't know. Depending on the circumstances, I have a lot of empathy for the rather not know crowd. People are complicated, relationships even more so. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 As painful as it would be, I would definitely want to know. Anyone who is dishonest about fidelity is likely to be dishonest about other important things as well, so I wouldn't want to be kept in the dark. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I can't even conceive of it. It's just so beyond my idea of my relationship with dh that I don't even know how to answer. I can't imagine him doing it. Or what I would do if I knew. It's so weird. FTR, it's not that I think dh couldn't completely mess up something. I'd sure as heck want to know if he was drinking again, for example. I just can't imagine this particular thing so I don't know how to answer. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Yes, I would want to know. Until one is in that situation, one can never truly know how one would respond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I can't even conceive of it. It's just so beyond my idea of my relationship with dh that I don't even know how to answer. I can't imagine him doing it. Or what I would do if I knew. It's so weird. FTR, it's not that I think dh couldn't completely mess up something. I'd sure as heck want to know if he was drinking again, for example. I just can't imagine this particular thing so I don't know how to answer. I think this is an awesome thing. Why would you want that to be one of the realm of possibilities considered? I would imagine those who do have it in their catalogue of possible experiences spend a good amount of time trying to forget in order to live like normal people. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I can't even conceive of it. It's just so beyond my idea of my relationship with dh that I don't even know how to answer. I can't imagine him doing it. Or what I would do if I knew. It's so weird. FTR, it's not that I think dh couldn't completely mess up something. I'd sure as heck want to know if he was drinking again, for example. I just can't imagine this particular thing so I don't know how to answer. I'm in that boat, mainly because my husband is SO drama averse, and the idea of taking on another women sounds like nothing but drama to him. He always says the LAST thing he needs in his life is another woman. And the kind that are willing to sleep with a married man are NOT the drama free kind! That said, we guard our marriage to some degree. We keep some unspoken boundaries, because we know how these things can happen. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TCB Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Yes, I would want to know. We have been together for 21 years and have 4 children. Him having sex with someone else would mean I have absolutely no idea who he is and my life is a total sham. You hit the nail on the head! Exactly how I felt. I want to know. For me personally, I would not want to be in a marriage with that kind of secret, however, I completely think it is a personal decision and would not judge how anyone handles this at all. I, naively, never thought it would happen to me and was completely blindsided. It would have been worse if it had taken me longer to find out, and would have been really terrible if a friend knew and didn't tell me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Ok: is there anything unethical about not rushing? Can I sit on this news for a few days (just to get used to it, and try to figure out a reasonable delivery method)? Or is that selfish, and she should be told ASAP? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 Ok: is there anything unethical about not rushing? Can I sit on this news for a few days (just to get used to it, and try to figure out a reasonable delivery method)? Or is that selfish, and she should be told ASAP? (((Bolt)))). It is a 3 year affair. A day or two to get your thoughts in order is reasonable. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 If others know I would want to - I wouldn't want to be the only one ignorant. If he had the decency to do it entirely secretly and safely then if he told me it would only be to make himself feel better. If you want to confess talk to a priest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I answered no. I would want my husband to tell me. (Preferably before hand). I don't want anyone else to tell me. I don't know what good it does anyone for them to get involved in my marriage. Um, "hey, we should have an open marriage, and if you're jealous then you're not self-actualized or w/e enough" is not exactly a fun thing for your spouse to tell you. Wrt the OP, I'd want to know, for STDs, etc, and because I don't want to be the last person to know. I'd hate to be the last person to know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I think this is an awesome thing. Why would you want that to be one of the realm of possibilities considered? I would imagine those who do have it in their catalogue of possible experiences spend a good amount of time trying to forget in order to live like normal people. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just unbelievably naive. I assume people who have it in their catalog of potentials don't dwell on it any more than I dwell on some of the things I do think could maybe possibly go wrong with my marriage, but which I don't think actually will. If that makes sense. I know, obviously, some people do worry about it a lot - either out of paranoia or for good reasons. I'm in that boat, mainly because my husband is SO drama averse, and the idea of taking on another women sounds like nothing but drama to him. He always says the LAST thing he needs in his life is another woman. And the kind that are willing to sleep with a married man are NOT the drama free kind! That said, we guard our marriage to some degree. We keep some unspoken boundaries, because we know how these things can happen. Yeah, that's true for us too. Dh once said something like, "Why do people have affairs? It just seems like so much WORK." I'm pretty sure, among other reasons, that it's in the "ain't nobody got time for that" category for him. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Right now, I would not want to know. At all. And I've been around the block on this one, so I'm not exactly clueless or naive. Yeah but...I think you always know. Even if you don't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Would I want to know, probably. Would I want someone outside my marriage to tell me, probably not. I suppose that doesn't sound very rational .... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 It wouldn't matter to me either way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 (edited) Would I want to know, probably. Would I want someone outside my marriage to tell me, probably not. I suppose that doesn't sound very rational .... Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. You'd rather your partner inform you than have random friends, family or strangers knowing and telling your private business. Edited August 13, 2016 by Audrey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Um, "hey, we should have an open marriage, and if you're jealous then you're not self-actualized or w/e enough" is not exactly a fun thing for your spouse to tell you. I think it's more like having him come to you and being honest that he's been considering cheating, or he's met somebody, or whatever. You know, "hey honey, if you think you're going to cheat, come home and let's talk about this and see if we can fix things before they go somewhere we don't want and I have to leave you in a fit of hurt rage." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luuknam Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I think it's more like having him come to you and being honest that he's been considering cheating, or he's met somebody, or whatever. You know, "hey honey, if you think you're going to cheat, come home and let's talk about this and see if we can fix things before they go somewhere we don't want and I have to leave you in a fit of hurt rage." Oh. Yeah, I can definitely get on board with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmaluv+2more Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 #1: Are those of you saying you wouldn't want to know saying this due to a desire to preserve your way of life? So you can continue staying home with your kids and/or homeschooling, retaining financial status, etc while still assuming your marriage is hunky dory? Or are you simply trying to protect your own emotions? I'm really trying to wrap my head around a woman not wanting to know that her husband was unfaithful, untrustworthy, deceitful, etc. I'm not judging, just extremely surprised at how many say they aren't sure they'd want to be told. #2: Those of you saying it's beyond your realm of thinking because you just can't imagine it happening to you...I'm sure LOTS of women once thought this only to discover they were oh so very wrong (I'm one of them). #3: I would absolutely, definitely, without a doubt want to know. Finding out later doesn't hurt any less. For me, knowing would have prevented a lot of the heart ache I went through when trying to save our marriage (I had NO idea until after the divorce and just could not figure out what had changed in him and in our marriage. I never imagined us getting divorced and I never, ever, ever imagined him cheating). #4: If family or friends knew I would expect them to tell me or forever live with the consequences of my future mistrust. I would never withhold that kind of information from someone I cared about(or even from someone I didn't). 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 (edited) dp Edited August 13, 2016 by madteaparty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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