Can we have a frank conversation about bikinis??

[madteaparty]

So, potato sacks for all?? Functional clothing only?

I recommend clothing police. You could issue tickets to those you deem unsufficiently covered up/flattering.

[LucyStoner]

So, is it always body shaming to think something looks unflattering on a larger person if you think it is unflattering due to their size?

It's body shaming to say that bikinis used to only be made in certain small sizes and more or less wonder why larger people think it's ok to buy and wear them. One, it's actually not true that bikinis were only made in small sizes. What was stocked in the stores of your childhood may well have been shaped by where you grew up or the sorts of stores your family chose to patronize. Two, what someone decides to wear while swimming is up to them. Perhaps you don't think it looks good but who is to say that your opinion trumps the opinion of the person wearing it?

 

Honestly, there are people larger than me who look better than me in a 2pc and there are also thin people who don't look that great in one either. It's still none of my business if it's not on my body. Personally, I think the most attractive quality in a woman wearing a bathing suit of any kind is being comfortable and confident. That can work for or against people of all sizes.

Edited July 20, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Guest]

I recommend clothing police. You could issue tickets to those you deem unsufficiently covered up/flattering.

I just think it is interesting that people who are interested in appearances are considered shallower than those who claim to not care. Because, on some level, we all care. No one dresses 100% for function.

[marbel]

I don't clothe myself to look good for others.

 

I feel better about myself when I look in the mirror and feel like I look cute. Doesn't really matter who is checking me out. I just get confidence when I feel like I meet a minimum standard (my own) of "I tried today not to look awful."

 

Yes, this. 

 

I also like to look nice to my husband.   Actually, to my kids too.  I feel better when I am dressed nicely. 

 

Otherwise, why not just walk around in pajamas and slippers all day long? 

 

[bolt.]

So, potato sacks for all?? Functional clothing only?

No, I think there is fun in playing with your look, and lots of people like decorating the world in lots of ways... I just don't like the thought of women as pubic decor, every moment, whether they like it or not.

 

Nobody expects men to be terribly well groomed and flattered by their clothing in order to 'belong in a public space'. Some are, some aren't. When retired men go to the beach with their pot bellies and bald spots, nobody thinks there needs to be a flattering swim suit, a wide brimmed hat with a bow, and maybe some suave sunglasses to try to show him at his best. His body is not considered lovely, but it isn't considers a problem that he brazenly brought his un-lovely body for swim in the trunks he's owned for 20 years. It's ok with 'the public' for him to be unlovely and not trying. But retired women with bellies and thinning hair very much feel a different set of social public pressures. They are real, but strong women swim anyways.

 

We need to be able to say, "Today is not about the spectators. I'm dressed to play (or work, or whatever)." That doesn't mean that we aren't also free to say, "Today my beauty is a statement and a gift to the world." Both abilities are healthy.

 

There are basics. Being presentable is one thing. Making sure our swimwear 'flatters' us is something else. It's an obligation based on a view that women that I don't share, so I don't embrace it.

[madteaparty]

I just think it is interesting that people who are interested in appearances are considered shallower than those who claim to not care. Because, on some level, we all care. No one dresses 100% for function.

Did I say I wear bikinis for function? No, I dislike tan lines, for one. I've never been accused of dressing for function, for another. I'm convinced the people that are so offending you think they look good. And they do! To them! Because there's no objective standard you see. Oy.

[bolt.]

I just think it is interesting that people who are interested in appearances are considered shallower than those who claim to not care. Because, on some level, we all care. No one dresses 100% for function.

I'm sorry if I'm giving that impression (or if you are experiencing it in real life). It's no fun to be on the receiving end of it, and it's simply not true.

 

It's not shallow to love beauty and to know how to walk through the world adding beauty to it. That's a wonderful thing!

 

Just like I wouldn't want every woman to be shamed on public if 'she' couldn't sing well and didn't want to learn, I don't like that flattering fashion is sometimes cast as a duty of women, or a source of shame.

 

It's not shallow to be good at fashion and enjoy it.

[madteaparty]

Yes, this.

 

I also like to look nice to my husband. Actually, to my kids too. I feel better when I am dressed nicely.

 

Otherwise, why not just walk around in pajamas and slippers all day long?

 

Well sometimes one does. I do wear slippers after hours at the office :) also, this lingerie based clothing is trendy now. (Think slip dresses). Probably husband pleasing but won't please the OP. What to do ?! :)

[Guest]

Well sometimes one does. I do wear slippers after hours at the office :) also, this lingerie based clothing is trendy now. (Think slip dresses). Probably husband pleasing but won't please the OP. What to do ?! :)

What??

[madteaparty]

What??

I was responding to the PJ comment :) slips=PJs. Is that ok with you?

[Pam in CT]

re choosing vs feeling/being pressured to dress a certain way

No, I think there is fun in playing with your look, and lots of people like decorating the world in lots of ways... I just don't like the thought of women as pubic decor, every moment, whether they like it or not.

Nobody expects men to be terribly well groomed and flattered by their clothing in order to 'belong in a public space'. Some are, some aren't. When retired men go to the beach with their pot bellies and bald spots, nobody thinks there needs to be a flattering swim suit, a wide brimmed hat with a bow, and maybe some suave sunglasses to try to show him at his best. His body is not considered lovely, but it isn't considers a problem that he brazenly brought his un-lovely body for swim in the trunks he's owned for 20 years. It's ok with 'the public' for him to be unlovely and not trying. But retired women with bellies and thinning hair very much feel a different set of social public pressures. They are real, but strong women swim anyways.
...

 

That difference, between choice and (subtle, social, but: still) coercion is the distinction that matters to me as well.

 

 

As you wish....

 

[LucyStoner]

I just think it is interesting that people who are interested in appearances are considered shallower than those who claim to not care. Because, on some level, we all care. No one dresses 100% for function.

I agree that most people care about their clothing. What they care about though may well vary from what you care about. My primary concern is, on most days (to the tune of 90 plus percent), function and comfort. If it wasn't I wouldn't live in jeans and a hoodie. I'm vain about some things and don't pretend not to be but unless I am going out somewhere special, I dress for ease, washability and the ability to get dirty without incurring tricky laundry jobs or dry cleaning bills. Oh, and the ability to play ball with my family without flashing the world my skivvies (which I have done when I agreed to play catch with my sons while wearing a dress because I'm an idiot.)

 

I am not pretending however when I say I don't really care what you or anyone else wears. Well except for my kids. I care if they wear socks and underwear and clean clothing and that they look event appropriate.

 

It is not shallow to like clothes, dress up or take a lot of interest in one's style and wardrobe. I have close friends who are fashion plates and exceedingly cool and beautifully attired people in carefully constructed outfits they curate with the eye of a museum director (one actually is a museum director, lol). One of the most facinating, intellectually curious people I know uses the second bedroom in her apartment entirely for her massively gorgeous collection of vintage clothing which she's assembled over 15 plus years of extensive traveling. From which she wears fabulous outfits every single day, no matter the occasion. I love her and think she looks amazing. I love seeing whatever she is wearing, it's a lot of fun. I also know that I don't judge her because this is a priority for her and that conversely she's not judging me for my converse, hoodie of the day collection and jeans. Repeat: I don't think it is shallow to care A LOT about clothing.

 

What I do find shallow is to judge other people for what they wear or allocate time/mental energy to criticizing people who are "too whatever" (tall, short, thin, fat, old, etcetera) to wear what they apparently like well enough to choose it for themselves.

 

You wanted a frank conversation. People are giving you what you asked for. Don't be surprised by the variations in opinion or that not everyone agrees with you that fat women shouldn't don bikinis.

Edited July 20, 2016 by LucyStoner

[Garga]

We go to the pool about once a week in the summer.

 

I wear an elbow length rash guard and swim shorts. I am not comfortable in anything less. To me, it's the same as being out in my underwear. I wouldn't go anywhere else in my undies and just can't bring myself to be in my undies at the pool.

 

I know I'm not the norm. I mean, obviously I'm not the norm, since 99% of the people at the pool are much more uncovered than I am. I don't mind that they are out in their undies, but I can't bring myself to do it.

 

I sit there at the pool observing everyone and thinking deep thoughts. I think about social conventions and constructions. Why are undies bad to wander around town in, but bikinis are ok?

 

I wonder about attraction. It's difficult not to think about what makes us physically attracted to each other when surrounded by people in basically their underwear. How much of what we do is based on trying to be attractive to each other? Do we do it consiously? Are we unaware of it? Sometimes aware and sometimes not? Rich people seem to be more consious of it than non-rich, what with spending boatloads of money on creams and surgeries and $500 haircuts.

 

I wonder what's wrong with me that I am the lone woman at the pool who can't bring herself to strip down to her underwear in public when everyone else seems completely comfortable with it.

 

I watch the young people try to be cool, all standing there in their undies. I noticed a group of teenaged girls who were at the pool talking through the chainlink fence to a group of boys who were passing by on their bikes. Did the girls feel strange standing there in their bikinis while the fully dressed guys stared at them. They were all busy pretending to be so cool and calm about it, but really I found it to be a study in social mores and how they'd never go anywhere else in underwear and be comfortable, but at the pool everything was fine. (Then again, when I was in school, there was a year or two where it was popular for girls to wear men's boxer shorts as shorts. My mom wouldn't let me and I used to wish so badly that I could wear men's underwear to school.)

 

Ah. It's late. I need to go.

 

But I do get philosophical and turn into a mini-sociologist at the pool. Sitting there all covered up with mostly naking people around me. ;)

[hornblower]

 

 

Otherwise, why not just walk around in pajamas and slippers all day long? 

 

 

 

Well sometimes one does. I do wear slippers after hours at the office :) also, this lingerie based clothing is trendy now. (Think slip dresses).

 

One of my main criteria for clothing is that I need to be able to sleep comfortably in it.  It must move with me, not bind, let me do impulse yoga, get on the floor with the dogs, ninja kick for fun and zumba around the house but also let me just crash into bed if I want to nap or just read a bit. 

 

So yeah, I live in various versions of lululemon yoga & athletiwear gear, and tanks and stretchy things and comfy soft things. I often wear (clean) versions of that to bed so I can just roll out, put on shoes and walk out the door. (Which if you have old, sick or incontinent dogs, you sometimes do several times a night.... )  

 

[hornblower]

 

But I do get philosophical and turn into a mini-sociologist at the pool. Sitting there all covered up with mostly naking people around me. ;)

I wonder what you'd have made of my German friend who came with me to the beach. When we arrived, she pulled off all her clothes and put on her bikini.

 

She just didn't have time to change before leaving the house and she thought absolutely nothing of just stripping right there LOL. 

[SKL]

I think this is one of those things where people will say they don't judge / have biases, but in reality they do - even if subconsciously.

 

Today I saw a woman of ample age and size wearing a very short, loose "romper" at the library (I noticed because she was bending over and ....)  My first thought was, "that was an unfortunate fashion choice."  My second was how the hive would have discussed it on a thread like this.  No, of course she was not there to decorate my world, but truthfully, I don't think anyone here would have seen that and not had some sort of reaction.

 

Some people I know react to unfortunate summer garments by feeling glad someone else is more controversial / more free-spirited than they are.  Most women feel somewhat self-conscious in swimwear because it's rare for us to show that much skin outside of the house.  I could see being more relaxed about it if you swim regularly or live in a place where clothes tend to be relatively skimpy.

Edited July 20, 2016 by SKL

[Garga]

I wonder what you'd have made of my German friend who came with me to the beach. When we arrived, she pulled off all her clothes and put on her bikini.

 

She just didn't have time to change before leaving the house and she thought absolutely nothing of just stripping right there LOL.

Oh, I'd be fascinated! She would exactly fit into the things I think about. European people don't think anything of that. Americans do. I wonder why?

 

I wish we could all really wear what we really want to wear. I mean, really, really. Because I would totally wear capes and red boots with tall heels. And I'd wear a tiara every day. And lots and lots of makeup with big cat eye eyeliner.

 

And I'm so sick of hair getting in my eyes or trying to arrange it but having it not do what I want, so I'd shave my head.

 

And I guess I *could* wear all that and be bald, but it wouldn't be at all socially accepted.

 

Which brings me back to: why? Why are some things acceptable and some aren't? People are fascinating.

[LucyStoner]

Move here and you will see that it's socially acceptable to shave your head Garga. Acceptable varies even within the same country. Yu could probably find people with capes and boots and tiaras too.

 

I've shaved my head a number of times and am fixing to *nearly* shave it pretty soon. nearly because I think I'm going to leave myself some longer bits on top. I was supposed to get a hair cut this week but couldn't decide and chickened out. When I got home, I was like um when I saw my husband's clippers. Waiting until I feel like cleaning up the bathroom of my way too long hair.

[MaryMak07]

I am heavy set for sure. I wear a tanking w/skirt bottoms. This is what I feel comfortable in. I've been much slimmer but still preferred this type of swimsuit.

 

I do not understand why this is even a discussion. If someone small, medium, large or 3xl wants to wear a bikini why would that matter at all to anyone else? I couldn't care less what anyone else wears (as long as they wear something;)

[purplejackmama]

I don't mind things that are "unflattering" to my "current figure" -- I don't go swimming to show off. I go swimming to swim or play with children. If it wasn't nessisary to wear something, I probably wouldn't! Not because I'm so pretty and I want everyone to know it.

 

Just simply for this reason: I am NOT a public decorative object. I don't have any obligation to make other people's visual experience more positive. I'm not art. I'm not for public-pleasing just because I go into public. Whether or not my figure is nice to look at, and whether or not my suit makes it nicer (flattering) or less appealing (unflattering) is just totally irrelevant to me.

 

If I like the feel (and the look) of something, I'll wear it. Also, if it's cheap, available, and functional -- I'll probably wear that too.

 

Women choose bikinis over tankinis and one-pieces for the same reason that when you choose undergarments you generally choose a bra and panties, not panties and an undershirt, and not a bodysuit. The body moves well in a small two-piece that fits well: no stretching, no flapping. Easy peasy.

I would love to have one iota of your self confidence!! I'm impressed.

[LucyStoner]

I think this is one of those things where people will say they don't judge / have biases, but in reality they do - even if subconsciously.

 

 

I don't think this is true. I will tell you I have preferences and biases (also known as likes and dislikes when it comes to clothes and outward appearance) but I can also say, perhaps because I used to care too much, that it is possible for people to let it go. If it wasn't you wouldn't see monks walking around in goldenrod robes. When I was a child, my mother wore things I thought were embarrassing. She didn't look like anyone else's mother. She was WAY tall, very large and pretty much lived in Birkenstock style sandals (which revealed toe fungus), impossibly large pants and these huge ponchos. I literally shuddered about this. Often she topped all that off with a cowboy hat. One day though, I realized that she looked like herself and would never look better trying to wear other clothing. Honestly, working with and around homeless people also helped me let go. I had to look past the oddness caused by homelessness or sometimes mental illness to see the person and not the 1400 scrunchies or long 1980s women's wool coats on men. This does not mean I am better than anyone else. But it does mean I can say, better than anyone else can, what I care about. Thinking other people could look better if they conformed to my preferences is not one of those things. A world with people all dressed like I like to look on a day to day basis wouldseem post apocalyptic. A bunch of efficiency minded little hoodie addicts. And my friend with the 2nd bedroom to closet conversion would feel and look downright miserable. That would suck.

[maize]

This conversation has reminded me of public swimming pools in France when I was a kid. Women middle aged and up were frequently topless, young women almost never were.

 

I used to speculate that the younger women felt more attractive in a top and the older women didn't care.

[edelweiss]

I have to admit that I admire women who are willing to put on a bathing suit (of any type) with a less than perfect body. That is just not something that I can do. Now that I am over 40, I don't plan to ever wear a bathing suit in public again. Way too embarassing and uncomfortable for me.

[luuknam]

this begs the question - why are men showing their bellies?  

 

If men can wander around with "i'm 8.5 months pregnant with twins" bellies, we can bare ours

 

Sure you can, but most people I know have rolled their eyes at the 8.5 months pregnant with twins male bellies too.

[Bluegoat]

I think that for all but a few, it is a little disingenuous to just poo-poo the idea that clothes can be flattering or unflattering, and that most people try and wear clothes, and hairstyles, that are at least somewhat flattering.  And we do this in part for ourselves but also in relation to wider perceptions about what is flattering - we and our own tastes don't exist in a vacuum.

 

And I would also say that body weight and type can make a difference between what is flattering or unflattering, or sometimes even appropriate.  Just as an example, my youngish cousin was really annoyed that she was told at her job not to wear a particular type of clothing, and felt that it was ignored on thinner young women.  Which may have well been true, but her weight was actually a factor in her clothes looking unprofessional - like they didn't really fit and showed too much.  A slender frame can be more forgiving about some things.

 

In the case of bathing suits in particular though, to some extent I think it is true to say they are pretty much all really revealing, and perhaps it makes sense that we just accept that as part of swimming and the beach - it is all out there so why fight it? (Personally, I am quite happy for people to go topless at the beach if they like, too, but that isn't really the custom here.) I think fashion also plays a significant part, and it may just be a matter of right now two-pieces are the trend.  Even in street clothes, the fashionable silhouette has been quite body-hugging for a while, and that may be why we are seeing the same thing with bathing suits.

 

 

Edited July 20, 2016 by Bluegoat

[mamakelly]

I can relate to the uncomfortable in a bikini issue. In my 20's and early 30's I wouldn't have been caught dead in a bikini. It's funny, because I was slim and it would have looked great, lol. Now that I'm 40, I don't care. I wear my Athleta bikini and I rock it for my age. I wish I hadn't cared so much when I was younger.

[Bluegoat]

Oh, I'd be fascinated! She would exactly fit into the things I think about. European people don't think anything of that. Americans do. I wonder why?

 

I wish we could all really wear what we really want to wear. I mean, really, really. Because I would totally wear capes and red boots with tall heels. And I'd wear a tiara every day. And lots and lots of makeup with big cat eye eyeliner.

 

And I'm so sick of hair getting in my eyes or trying to arrange it but having it not do what I want, so I'd shave my head.

 

And I guess I *could* wear all that and be bald, but it wouldn't be at all socially accepted.

 

Which brings me back to: why? Why are some things acceptable and some aren't? People are fascinating.

 

And what is really interesting to me is that while many Europeans will be quite happy with public nudity in some setttings compared to North Americans, they are likely to be very unfavorable about it in other situations, and want more formality than we would.  It's not uncommon here for example to see men jogging in the city center with no shirts on, which would not be considered properly dressed in some places that are happy with nude beaches.

 

I think that to some extend in North America, we are more inclined to think that rules about acceptable clothing are, because they have an arbitrary element, a restriction on our freedom somehow.  In reality I'm not sure that it really works out to be the case, I think it almost goes underground.

Edited July 20, 2016 by Bluegoat

[Joules]

Oh, I'd be fascinated! She would exactly fit into the things I think about. European people don't think anything of that. Americans do. I wonder why?

 

I wish we could all really wear what we really want to wear. I mean, really, really. Because I would totally wear capes and red boots with tall heels. And I'd wear a tiara every day. And lots and lots of makeup with big cat eye eyeliner.

 

And I'm so sick of hair getting in my eyes or trying to arrange it but having it not do what I want, so I'd shave my head.

 

And I guess I *could* wear all that and be bald, but it wouldn't be at all socially accepted.

 

Which brings me back to: why? Why are some things acceptable and some aren't? People are fascinating.

 

I've always been fascinated by this, too.  I'm in the southern U.S. and people can be super judgey, but I never quite got it.  So a girl goes to the beach one day and wears a swimsuit and that night she goes to a party where her dress is criticized for being too short and too tight and her character is impugned.  But I'm thinking (since a very young age), but there was more showing earlier today and the swimsuit was tighter than the dress.  I wondered why on earth does location or event make a difference? "Appropriateness" of clothing is such an odd concept.

 

I do try to conform, mostly not to embarrass my mother back then or dh now.  It's hard though when it's strictly academic, and you don't see the appropriateness that others do.  (I loved the "social conventions" answer for Sheldon on BBT, because that's exactly what I had to learn.)  I often wish there were just Garanimals for grown-ups.

 

I simply don't care what other people wear.  My favorite places are ones where the dress is so diverse that no one will care what I am wearing either.

[regentrude]

I wonder about attraction. It's difficult not to think about what makes us physically attracted to each other when surrounded by people in basically their underwear. How much of what we do is based on trying to be attractive to each other? Do we do it consiously? Are we unaware of it? Sometimes aware and sometimes not? Rich people seem to be more consious of it than non-rich, what with spending boatloads of money on creams and surgeries and $500 haircuts.

 

I wonder what's wrong with me that I am the lone woman at the pool who can't bring herself to strip down to her underwear in public when everyone else seems completely comfortable with it.

 

I watch the young people try to be cool, all standing there in their undies. I noticed a group of teenaged girls who were at the pool talking through the chainlink fence to a group of boys who were passing by on their bikes. Did the girls feel strange standing there in their bikinis while the fully dressed guys stared at them. They were all busy pretending to be so cool and calm about it, but really I found it to be a study in social mores and how they'd never go anywhere else in underwear and be comfortable, but at the pool everything was fine.

...

 

But I do get philosophical and turn into a mini-sociologist at the pool. Sitting there all covered up with mostly naking people around me. ;)

 

My home town in Germany has city run nude pools. People don't wear anything (if they choose to; you can also choose to wear swim wear or be fully clothed, or just a bikini bottom.)

Social mores dictate that, at the public pool, you don't stare at other nude people, you don't touch other nude people, and you mind your own business. It is a very healthy atmosphere. Getting nude at the pool has nothing to do with wanting to be attractive; it is just practical. While it makes sense to wear little clothing for swimming rather than to be fully clothed (hence: bikinis), it makes even more sense to wear nothing. Wet swim wear has no redeeming features.

The odd hangups about human nudity are a strange social construct that you could explore in your musings :)

Edited July 20, 2016 by regentrude

[madteaparty]

My home town in Germany has city run nude pools. People don't wear anything (if they choose to; you can also choose to wear swim wear or be fully clothed, or just a bikini bottom.)

Social mores dictate that, at the public pool, you don't stare at other nude people, you don't touch other nude people, and you mind your own business. It is a very healthy atmosphere. Getting nude at the pool has nothing to do with wanting to be attractive; it is just practical. While it makes sense to wear little clothing for swimming rather than to be fully clothed (hence: bikinis), it makes even more sense to wear nothing. Wet swim wear has no redeeming features.

The odd hangups about human nudity are a strange social construct that you could explore in your musings :)

There's a nude beach on Martha's Vineyard ;) but not on federal land, perish the thought. The only way it exists is because it's on Indian lands...

[Danestress]

I think I never wore a two piece suit until I was in my 30s. Possibly 40s. Once I did, I realized the advantages. They tend to have better shelf support. One can buy a top piece that gives true support for running and jumping. They are easier to use the bathroom in. They tend to trap less sand in the ocean and are easier to flush out.

 

I prefer a skirted bottom. I don't like the tankini tops so much as far as cmfort, though I appreciate the modestly.

Edited July 20, 2016 by Danestress

[SKL]

Last weekend, I went to a waterpark, and I was so worried about sunburn that I not only wore a suit with above-average coverage, but also a shirt (with 3/4 sleeves) and a hat, even when I went in the wave pool / on the water slides.  Screw sunburn.  Although my kids might have cringed at my look, I am too old to care.

 

So I personally cannot imagine going mostly naked to a beach - in fact, I was looking enviously at some burquini-clad women I saw last weekend.  I'm glad other light-skinned people seem to have the sun issue under control.

 

Many years ago, I was in Rio and there was a heavy middle-aged French woman who kept letting her bikini top fall down as she flirted with another tourist.  What really shocked me was that she was there with her 11yo son, who was seeing all this and apparently not for the first time.  (Her husband was traveling with them also.)  It was an education for sure.  :p

Edited July 20, 2016 by SKL

[Catherine]

I have so much body shame that I've never been able to muster a bikini, even when I was young and not bad looking, body-wise.  I can still hear my mother mocking and shaming women at the beach over their "ugly" bodies in bikinis.  That kind of corrosive meanness is so poisonous.  Please, if you even have these thoughts yourself, anyone, don't say it in front of your daughters. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

And what is really interesting to me is that while many Europeans will be quite happy with public nudity in some setttings compared to North Americans, they are likely to be very unfavorable about it in other situations, and want more formality than we would.  It's not uncommon here for example to see men jogging in the city center with no shirts on, which would not be considered properly dressed in some places that are happy with nude beaches.

 

I think that to some extend in North America, we are more inclined to think that rules about acceptable clothing are, because they have an arbitrary element, a restriction on our freedom somehow.  In reality I'm not sure that it really works out to be the case, I think it almost goes underground.

 

What kind of more formality?  I've heard this sentiment more than once, but nobody can ever give me any examples. 

[Joules]

I have so much body shame that I've never been able to muster a bikini, even when I was young and not bad looking, body-wise.  I can still hear my mother mocking and shaming women at the beach over their "ugly" bodies in bikinis.  That kind of corrosive meanness is so poisonous.  Please, if you even have these thoughts yourself, anyone, don't say it in front of your daughters. 

 

I "liked" this for the sentiment, not what happened to you.  This can't be said often enough.  When you talk about other people, it affects the people you are with.  I have relatives that do this, and I never want to be with them.  If they are talking about other people like that around me, what are they saying when I'm not around?  

[SparklyUnicorn]

I "liked" this for the sentiment, not what happened to you.  This can't be said often enough.  When you talk about other people, it affects the people you are with.  I have relatives that do this, and I never want to be with them.  If they are talking about other people like that around me, what are they saying when I'm not around?  

 

Yeah I don't like when people do stuff like this and I don't put up with it. 

 

My mother once had a friend who never shut up about mocking overweight people.  What was especially ironic about this was she herself was overweight!  Very overweight!  Makes no freaking sense.

[marbel]

One of my main criteria for clothing is that I need to be able to sleep comfortably in it.  It must move with me, not bind, let me do impulse yoga, get on the floor with the dogs, ninja kick for fun and zumba around the house but also let me just crash into bed if I want to nap or just read a bit. 

 

So yeah, I live in various versions of lululemon yoga & athletiwear gear, and tanks and stretchy things and comfy soft things. I often wear (clean) versions of that to bed so I can just roll out, put on shoes and walk out the door. (Which if you have old, sick or incontinent dogs, you sometimes do several times a night.... )  

 

 

Sure.  Comfortable, functional clothing is important.  I could sleep in much of my clothing.  I don't, but I could.  But there is comfortable clothing that also looks nice. When I'm working around the house, I wear loose knit pants and a t-shirt - could be pajamas. But when I go out, I wear something just as comfortable but a little better-fitting and nicer looking.  Just because I like to look a little nicer when I'm out and about. 

 

But back to bikinis.  A few years ago I saw an article about the "fatkini" - a (supposedly) revolutionary new swimsuit style for large women.  I clicked through the photos - the pictures looked like the two-piece suits women like my mom wore in the 50's and 60's.  The stops were structured, the bottoms high-waisted and the leg openings modest.  A friend of mine has one.  She is a big girl - tall, and overweight (by her own measure) - and she is beautiful.  Her husband posted a photo of her on the beach wearing that suit and she looked like a million bucks.  Could she have worn a string bikini?  Sure. Would she be deserving of shame and mockery if she had?  Of course not.  But honestly, to me she looked better than even the most gorgeous (slender) woman could ever look in a tiny bikini that reveals everything. 

Edited July 20, 2016 by marbel

[ebrindam]

I just think it is interesting that people who are interested in appearances are considered shallower than those who claim to not care. Because, on some level, we all care. No one dresses 100% for function.

 

Eh I dress for comfort. Period. If people don't like how I look...whatever....I don't dress for anyone else. 

[Guest]

Yeah I don't like when people do stuff like this and I don't put up with it.

 

My mother once had a friend who never shut up about mocking overweight people. What was especially ironic about this was she herself was overweight! Very overweight! Makes no freaking sense.

Strangely, I have witnessed this more often that Ms. Perfect Bod mocking overweight people.

 

I will say, my mother had very much of a thought pattern of concealing anything that did not fit with White American standards of beauty. She even (still) places obvious value on having a natural coloring combination that is "prettier"; i.e., she thinks blue eyes are the best, folowed by eyes that are so dark you can't distinguish the pupil. But muddled-up grey/bown - nothing special about that.

 

I even remember her commenting to me about another woman who was trying on wedding gowns when I was picking out my own. I can't even bear to type it because it was terrible. But the gist was, "If I had that feature, there is no WAY I would wear a wedding gown that showed that feature." I'm not even talking about something considered by the general population to be very ugly; it was just something my mother finds not pretty. It ruins the memory for me. I remember nothing else about picking out my gown; just my mother's crass disdain for another woman she didn't consider pretty.

[chiguirre]

I love those fatkinis although I had no idea that was their name. Thanks Marbel! I always wear a rash guard because I love the beach and don't want to burn on day 1 and ruin my vacation. Those fatkini tops make the best swim bras and I love high waisted bottoms. I have horrible stretch marks and I don't like them showing if my rash guard rides up when I'm sitting down. They also look very pulled together and pretty.

[Crimson Wife]

I wonder what you'd have made of my German friend who came with me to the beach. When we arrived, she pulled off all her clothes and put on her bikini.

 

She just didn't have time to change before leaving the house and she thought absolutely nothing of just stripping right there LOL. 

 

Europeans have a VERY different set of s*xual norms, probably because their society has been so secular for so long. They are fine with all sorts of behavior that I (and many other Christians) consider immoral.

[Lady Florida.]

There's a nude beach on Martha's Vineyard ;) but not on federal land, perish the thought. The only way it exists is because it's on Indian lands...

 

There's an unofficial nude beach near me. You have to go pretty far to one of the north crossovers to be at the nude area, but it's been a well known secret for years. This was "my" beach as a teen, but I only went to the nude section once when my friends and I were curious. We had no intentions of disrobing, we just wanted to sight-see. :D

 

http://placesaroundflorida.com/Cape_Canaveral_Florida/Canaveral_National_Seashore/

 

Bolding below is mine

 

Playalinda Beach is probably the best known of the three for several reasons. First is has thirteen numbered parking lots, second the shore north of Parking Lot #13 has for years been an informal nudist beach. For the record, nudity is illegal in Brevard County but the National Seashore administration won't spend money out of its own budget to enforce a local county ordinance, so enforcement is spotty and infrequent. The third reason it's so well known is that the space shuttle launch facility is clearly visible from the approach to Parking Lot #1. The John F. Kennedy Space Center is at the southern end of the barrier island occupied by the Canaveral National Seashore; this means that access to the seashore is often restricted during launch-related activities at the space center.

[TravelingChris]

We have our own pool and I own three bathing suits- two one peice ones and one tankini with skirted bottom.  I don't care who buys a bikini but I won't buy one.  I don't think I have ever had one but am not sure. I burn and wanted to be as covered up as possible.  I would have loved rash guards as a youngster.  As it is, our pool is almost always in the shade so I am fine with what I have now.  

 

 

 

SOmeone asked how is Europe more formal than US outside of swimming?  Athletic shoes and athletic clothing were not seen in business areas or formal tourist areas (art museums, etc).  

[SparklyUnicorn]

Strangely, I have witnessed this more often that Ms. Perfect Bod mocking overweight people.

 

I will say, my mother had very much of a thought pattern of concealing anything that did not fit with White American standards of beauty. She even (still) places obvious value on having a natural coloring combination that is "prettier"; i.e., she thinks blue eyes are the best, folowed by eyes that are so dark you can't distinguish the pupil. But muddled-up grey/bown - nothing special about that.

 

I even remember her commenting to me about another woman who was trying on wedding gowns when I was picking out my own. I can't even bear to type it because it was terrible. But the gist was, "If I had that feature, there is no WAY I would wear a wedding gown that showed that feature." I'm not even talking about something considered by the general population to be very ugly; it was just something my mother finds not pretty. It ruins the memory for me. I remember nothing else about picking out my gown; just my mother's crass disdain for another woman she didn't consider pretty.

 

Ugh...that sounds delightful.  :glare:

 

[Desert Strawberry]

I am not seeing this here. The overwhelming majority of ladies, even young ladies and older girls, are fully dressed at the pools. Swim dresses are popular. I bought a skirted one piece, and it's revealing by comparison. Everyone else is in actual clothes -tank top, leggings, shorts, tee shirts, cover-ups in the wading pools. Size and shape don't seem to be a factor.

 

I have seen the occasional bikini but always on very thin ladies and young girls.

 

Maybe our powerful sun encourages people to cover up more?

 

Edit: To be clear, I have always worn bikinis and have two right now. I am not finding them practical with 3little nonswimmers to hold on to. I'm having a bit of a body image issue just now as well.

I would love to find a two piece that is solid and sturdy and has decent coverage. I have not seen that. Tankinis, monokinis, very flimsy bikinis, and swim dresses are the things I find.

Edited July 20, 2016 by Desert Strawberry

[Guest]

There's an unofficial nude beach near me. You have to go pretty far to one of the north crossovers to be at the nude area, but it's been a well known secret for years. This was "my" beach as a teen, but I only went to the nude section once when my friends and I were curious. We had no intentions of disrobing, we just wanted to sight-see. :D

 

http://placesaroundflorida.com/Cape_Canaveral_Florida/Canaveral_National_Seashore/

 

Bolding below is mine

 

Playalinda Beach is probably the best known of the three for several reasons. First is has thirteen numbered parking lots, second the shore north of Parking Lot #13 has for years been an informal nudist beach. For the record, nudity is illegal in Brevard County but the National Seashore administration won't spend money out of its own budget to enforce a local county ordinance, so enforcement is spotty and infrequent. The third reason it's so well known is that the space shuttle launch facility is clearly visible from the approach to Parking Lot #1. The John F. Kennedy Space Center is at the southern end of the barrier island occupied by the Canaveral National Seashore; this means that access to the seashore is often restricted during launch-related activities at the space center.

I seriously have always thought I would like to go to one. I just think it would be enjoyable to sit there with my top off (if I wish) and be like, "Yeah. I'm sunnin' The Girls. Have a nice day."

[marbel]

FWIW, I don't like the term "fatkini."  I think "two-piece" works fine.  :-)

 

My MIL is very critical of appearance. She is thin, but I think she is also afraid of getting fat.  Something to do with her mother's untimely death (though my husband says his grandmother was not fat).   She makes a lot of nasty comments about fat people.  Since I am overweight, I can't help but take them personally.  My husband finally said something to her one day, about how she talks about people's weight so much.  She denied it, but I think she knew.  She has slowed down a little, but not much. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hornblower]

Europeans have a VERY different set of s*xual norms, probably because their society has been so secular for so long. They are fine with all sorts of behavior that I (and many other Christians) consider immoral.

 

 

well, I think one clear difference is distinguishing between nudity and sexuality. 

[abcmommy]

I burn and my mom died of malignant melanoma.   I do not want to let it all hang out so my ideal suit would be a chlorine proof bra, a skirted bottom, and a rash guard.  Bc I look nicest in V necks I would like the rash guard to have a V neck or a zipper.

 

My dd wears bikinis.  She is 11 and they are usually hand me downs.  

 

I have quit shaving my legs.  I imagine this is as shocking to some people as fat girls in bikinis.  

[goldberry]

Long torso, so tankinis for me for comfort and bathroom usage.

 

I am not ashamed of my figure.  I like to look nice, and feel like I look nicer in a suit that highlights my best features (bust) rather than showing off my worst features (round and mushy middle section).  I don't like the implication these days that if I don't like my tummy I'm ashamed of my body.  I like other parts of my body and like my body over all. 

 

Yes, men show their giant "pregnant" bellies all the time.  That doesn't mean I like to see it. 

 

I agree with Moxie, something being flattering or not flattering doesn't equal body shaming.  I think there are ways for all sizes to look nice.  That doesn't mean the same thing looks nice on all sizes.  Looking nice is all about highlighting your best features.  We all have different ones.